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(Washington Times)   If you want to give your students a writing assignment, almost anything would be better than having them write a suicide note, including how and why you're killing yourself   (washingtontimes.com) divider line 81
    More: Dumbass, private schools  
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3991 clicks; posted to Main » on 13 Jun 2013 at 10:32 PM (43 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-06-13 08:40:28 PM
This is the sort of writing assignment that only a childless teacher would assign. There are many fantastic teachers that dont have kids of their own but occasionally they will do something boneheaded like this and be surprised at the reaction.
 
2013-06-13 08:40:43 PM
Yeah, that isn't a great idea, but not worthy of GOP Butthurtism over it.

Seriously, do the wingnuts need outrage just to exist any more??
 
2013-06-13 09:03:12 PM

bronyaur1: Yeah, that isn't a great idea, but not worthy of GOP Butthurtism over it.

Seriously, do the wingnuts need outrage just to exist any more??


Uh, it's not a political link and we're not in the Politics tab. Makes me wonder if the butthurt is coming from you.
 
2013-06-13 09:19:09 PM
Is this better or worse than making the kids watch "Saw" in math class?


Sensei Can You See: bronyaur1: Yeah, that isn't a great idea, but not worthy of GOP Butthurtism over it.

Seriously, do the wingnuts need outrage just to exist any more??

Uh, it's not a political link and we're not in the Politics tab. Makes me wonder if the butthurt is coming from you.


It's the Moonie Times. I'm kinda shocked they didn't manage to shoehorn a political element into the story.
 
2013-06-13 09:21:01 PM

Sensei Can You See: bronyaur1: Yeah, that isn't a great idea, but not worthy of GOP Butthurtism over it.

Seriously, do the wingnuts need outrage just to exist any more??

Uh, it's not a political link and we're not in the Politics tab. Makes me wonder if the butthurt is coming from you.


Yeah, this is an example of getting your teaching credentials from a number you found on a matchbook cover the night you did the dirty with a midget that looked like John McCains prostate.

\\Why, yes I have been drinking.  Why do you ask?
 
2013-06-13 09:32:41 PM

fusillade762: Is this better or worse than making the kids watch "Saw" in math class?


Sensei Can You See: bronyaur1: Yeah, that isn't a great idea, but not worthy of GOP Butthurtism over it.

Seriously, do the wingnuts need outrage just to exist any more??

Uh, it's not a political link and we're not in the Politics tab. Makes me wonder if the butthurt is coming from you.

It's the Moonie Times. I'm kinda shocked they didn't manage to shoehorn a political element into the story.


Does this make you feel better?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/12/york-prep-suicide-notes-ass ig nment_n_3429956.html?ir=New+York
 
2013-06-13 09:48:26 PM
It's actually a good writing assignment for some classes.

Like most things in life, timing is key. I'm guessing this wasn't a creative writing 201 university class.
 
2013-06-13 10:13:18 PM

doglover: Like most things in life, timing is key. I'm guessing this wasn't a creative writing 201 university class.


Even just context. "Hey, here's a workbook. Note how it says, quite clearly on the front, 'THIS IS NOT A REAL SUICIDE NOTE, THIS IS FOR A CLASS PROJECT. LOOK, IT WAS SIGNED BY MY TEACHER.'"
 
2013-06-13 10:39:01 PM
As a college level exercise, sure, I guess that can get your thinking and trying to express your deep personal thoughts in a concrete manner.  However, as a high school assignment, I just don't think this is a good idea.  High school can be tough enough for some students without forcing them to confront sucide and write about it in a personal terms. At the end of the assignment you don't want the bullied, or friendless, or other marginalized individuals  potentially rationalizing sucide as a valid choice once they have written it out. I don't think it was done with bad intentions, but certainly all the consequences of such an assignment probably were not contemplated.
 
2013-06-13 10:40:49 PM
Great way to smoke out the crazies who are plotting mass shootings.
 
2013-06-13 10:42:34 PM
If I was to off myself cocaine and viagra overdose while banging 2 or more whores.
 
2013-06-13 10:43:50 PM
"The homework at York Prep in the Upper West Side required students to write goodbye notes from the perspective of a character who kills herself in the best-selling book"

*yawn*
 
2013-06-13 10:46:43 PM
Students of the Upper West Side private facility, some as young as age 14, were required to write the goodbye letter as an offshoot lesson plan from the best-selling book and movie, "The Secret Life of Bees," The New York Post reported. The main character in that book killed herself. 

The Washington Times spoiled the book I was reading. Goodbye cruel world!
 
2013-06-13 10:50:15 PM

Oldiron_79: If I was to off myself cocaine and viagra overdose while banging 2 or more whores.


Terse, efficient and conveys your deepest thoughts effectively. You get an A-minus for your suicide note, Oldiron_79.
 
2013-06-13 10:52:04 PM
We pay a lot of money to send our kids to the school.

How much is tea in China these days?
 
2013-06-13 10:52:32 PM
imageshack.us
 
2013-06-13 10:52:46 PM
Seems like a great idea.  Find out what bothers the kids the most and read the letters for anyone standing out if you know what to look for.  Could be therapeutic too to put down the things that are bothering you to paper.
 
2013-06-13 10:52:58 PM
Sometimes you got to give them that little nudge, you know?
Hint hint, wink wink, know what I mean?
 
2013-06-13 10:54:48 PM
Big deal.  We had to write an essay about what it would be like to stone our own Mother to death after reading The Lottery.  It didn't affect me any

/eye twitch
 
2013-06-13 10:56:31 PM
OMFG, if I was a parent I would totally freak out.  He or She needs help stat. (the teacher)
 
2013-06-13 10:57:57 PM
Well, I for one would prefer my child's suicide note to have a bit more depth to it than a drunken tweet.
 
2013-06-13 11:00:16 PM
If I were to kill myself I belive I would first climb to the top of a tall building and perch on the ledge. I would then get drunk. Then swallow some sleeping pills. Then I would cut my wrists from wrist to forearm. Then I would shoot myself in the head pushing my body off the top of the building to the concrete bellow.

I mean you want to get it right the first time. Nothing worse then coming to and finding out you even farked up suicide.
 
2013-06-13 11:00:41 PM

Daedalus27: As a college level exercise, sure, I guess that can get your thinking and trying to express your deep personal thoughts in a concrete manner.  However, as a high school assignment, I just don't think this is a good idea.  High school can be tough enough for some students without forcing them to confront sucide and write about it in a personal terms. At the end of the assignment you don't want the bullied, or friendless, or other marginalized individuals  potentially rationalizing sucide as a valid choice once they have written it out. I don't think it was done with bad intentions, but certainly all the consequences of such an assignment probably were not contemplated.


This is one of NYC's elite private high schools.  It's supposed to weed out the weak and defective so they don't waste space in the Ivy League or Wall Street.
 
2013-06-13 11:00:56 PM

Torrent of Rubbish: Oldiron_79: If I was to off myself cocaine and viagra overdose while banging 2 or more whores.

Terse, efficient and conveys your deepest thoughts effectively. You get an A-minus for your suicide note, Oldiron_79.


Well if this plan is an A minus plan what is the A plus plan?
 
2013-06-13 11:03:41 PM
I am shocked that a school has students write stuff.

How will they pass the standardized tests?
 
2013-06-13 11:06:05 PM
A teacher in high school gave us the writing assignment: How Do You Want To Be Remembered?  I answered "They found Great Janitor's bullet ridden body on his throne of skulls.  He was thwarted by the heroes in his attempt to conquer the world.  The U.N. is currently unsure of how to deal with the hundreds of Great Janitor clones murdering their way across the U.S.A."

Turns out the entire assignment was How Do You Want to Be Remembered by Your Graduating Class?"  I said the answer is still the same.
 
2013-06-13 11:09:34 PM

Oldiron_79: Torrent of Rubbish: Oldiron_79: If I was to off myself cocaine and viagra overdose while banging 2 or more whores.

Terse, efficient and conveys your deepest thoughts effectively. You get an A-minus for your suicide note, Oldiron_79.

Well if this plan is an A minus plan what is the A plus plan?


Herbal supplements. You don't want to support big pharma when offing yourself.
 
2013-06-13 11:11:10 PM

Great Janitor: A teacher in high school gave us the writing assignment: How Do You Want To Be Remembered?  I answered "They found Great Janitor's bullet ridden body on his throne of skulls.  He was thwarted by the heroes in his attempt to conquer the world.  The U.N. is currently unsure of how to deal with the hundreds of Great Janitor clones murdering their way across the U.S.A."

Turns out the entire assignment was How Do You Want to Be Remembered by Your Graduating Class?"  I said the answer is still the same.


LOL
 
2013-06-13 11:12:56 PM

Oldiron_79: Well if this plan is an A minus plan what is the A plus plan?


... follow through
 
2013-06-13 11:14:13 PM
Not so fast. Nothing is sadder than a poorly written suicide note.
 
2013-06-13 11:15:18 PM

Nina_Hartley's_Ass: "The homework at York Prep in the Upper West Side required students to write goodbye notes from the perspective of a character who kills herself in the best-selling book"

*yawn*


Yeah - I had a feeling there was more to it than the headline suggested.
 
2013-06-13 11:15:40 PM
Bacon T. Good, Mrs. Walrus, 5th period

My English teacher sucks hardcore.  Mrs. Walrus can barely spell, and she drinks whiskey in class.  She is super stupid, picks her nose and eats the boogers right in front of us.  Once I saw her jilling off in front of some boys in class, right before blowing them one at a time.  I wonder if her husband the principal knows she got AIDS from that that heroin addict?  It bums me out what a whore she is.  We get idiotic assignments like this one.  I think I'll kill myself with a paper cut.
 
2013-06-13 11:17:23 PM
So well this happened. Not that smart but well.
We had to write an epitaph for our gravestone in 10th grade I think it was.
 
2013-06-13 11:23:09 PM
Real creative writing would be to write the suicide note, go into hiding from everyone you know on the same day, and leave clues around pointing to foul play at the hands of the teacher who gave the assignment.

/ Even more fun if your friends were in on it to frame to teacher.
 
2013-06-13 11:24:28 PM
Respond by writing:

"What is the value of this assignment with respect to knowledge of the English Language?"

Authorities hate it when their authority is questioned.
 
2013-06-13 11:25:02 PM
the Big Fun 90's revival starting?

imgix.8tracks.com
 
2013-06-13 11:28:45 PM
remember, kids, point up at the back at the roof of your mouth otherwise you risk the bullet just spinning around your skull and out the other side or right through your optic nerves so you'd be blind. how horrible would that be? to try and be dead and instead just be blind so you can't see enough to do it right. lulz. loser.

t3.gstatic.com
 
2013-06-13 11:28:50 PM

tinfoil-hat maggie: So well this happened. Not that smart but well.
We had to write an epitaph for our gravestone in 10th grade I think it was.


We had to do that as well, about the same grade. Catholic school for you too? Was a writing assignment in my English Lit. class. Instructor was a former college prof. (married and I think she was trying to have kids, so wanted less stress). She was a Chaucer expert too.

Funny how well I still remember some teachers. I thought the assignment sucked though. As a teen it was impossible to consider my own mortality outside of the typical self obsessed teen bullshiat where you just want to die over something lame.

I'm sure I have notebook somewhere full of self written emo poetry. My god the horror.
 
2013-06-13 11:32:10 PM

Nina_Hartley's_Ass: "The homework at York Prep in the Upper West Side required students to write goodbye notes from the perspective of a character who kills herself in the best-selling book"

*yawn*


Troll headline was a troll headline.

I think 14 is a little too young but would have been fine for upper classmen. Hate to blame the victim (the Teacher in this case) but she should have know better the prep school parents would complain about making their snowflakes think about an unpleasant subject.
 
2013-06-13 11:38:26 PM
Goodbye my friend, it's hard to die,
when all the birds are singing in the sky,
Now that the spring is in the air.
Pretty girls are everywhere.
When you see them I'll be there.
We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.
But the hills that we climbed
were just seasons out of time.
 
2013-06-13 11:40:25 PM

theotherles: Respond by writing:

"What is the value of this assignment with respect to knowledge of the English Language?"

Authorities hate it when their authority is questioned.


Their answer would probably be: "I don't know.  This is a literature class, not a grammar/structure class."
 
2013-06-13 11:43:49 PM

Lady Indica: tinfoil-hat maggie: So well this happened. Not that smart but well.
We had to write an epitaph for our gravestone in 10th grade I think it was.

We had to do that as well, about the same grade. Catholic school for you too? Was a writing assignment in my English Lit. class. Instructor was a former college prof. (married and I think she was trying to have kids, so wanted less stress). She was a Chaucer expert too.

Funny how well I still remember some teachers. I thought the assignment sucked though. As a teen it was impossible to consider my own mortality outside of the typical self obsessed teen bullshiat where you just want to die over something lame.

I'm sure I have notebook somewhere full of self written emo poetry. My god the horror.


No Catholic school for me just public but the English teacher was married to the coach that taught PE, and she ended up having an affair with the principal so...well Drama : )
 
2013-06-13 11:44:08 PM
What if the assignment was to write a piece for the Washington Times?

Talk about damaging a child's psyche.
 
2013-06-13 11:45:15 PM

theotherles: Respond by writing:

"What is the value of this assignment with respect to knowledge of the English Language?"

Authorities hate it when their authority is questioned.


"Ask your father. He paid for it."
 
2013-06-13 11:47:13 PM

Great Janitor: A teacher in high school gave us the writing assignment: How Do You Want To Be Remembered?  I answered "They found Great Janitor's bullet ridden body on his throne of skulls.  He was thwarted by the heroes in his attempt to conquer the world.  The U.N. is currently unsure of how to deal with the hundreds of Great Janitor clones murdering their way across the U.S.A."

Turns out the entire assignment was How Do You Want to Be Remembered by Your Graduating Class?"  I said the answer is still the same.


Welcome to my favorites, Janitor on a throne of skulls!

i1211.photobucket.com
 
2013-06-13 11:49:19 PM
xx/xx/20xx
Dear IRS and other creditors,

Please accept this suicide note in lieu of payment.  I have most definitely killed myself to of which my rich uncle in Nigeria has given my proper remains burial in that which are not most identifiable.  If of which I have rebate coming please place it near the tent of my long lost twin who as a freak of nature has the exact same dna and fingerprints as I had but is not me by certain, and is living in and around the area of national park xxxxxxxxxxx.

Yours posthumously,
eventhelosers
 
2013-06-13 11:50:22 PM
Hey Teacher! Leave them kids alone!
 
2013-06-13 11:54:23 PM
it is a great idea, and a good way for kids to bring some shiat to the surface.


how ridiculous that a little creative writing is such a big farking deal
 
2013-06-13 11:55:04 PM

The Flexecutioner: theotherles: Respond by writing:

"What is the value of this assignment with respect to knowledge of the English Language?"

Authorities hate it when their authority is questioned.

Their answer would probably be: "I don't know.  This is a literature class, not a grammar/structure class."


And a point off for incorrectly capitalizing the word language.
 
2013-06-14 12:01:13 AM

numbone: Not so fast. Nothing is sadder than a poorly written suicide note.


Are you kidding? How great would it be to get an "F" on your suicide note? You could sell it to a comedy club for like $100,000 and they'd hang it on the wall.
 
2013-06-14 12:02:29 AM
I had to write my obituary for my Literary Genre class my senior year of high school. It was really lame, and I said something corny about my then-boyfriend. Geez, I'm cringing just thinking about it.
 
2013-06-14 12:03:10 AM

theotherles: Respond by writing:

"What is the value of this assignment with respect to knowledge of the English Language?"

Authorities hate it when their authority is questioned.


And they can't help but translate that hatred into giving you an A+!!
 
2013-06-14 12:09:00 AM
"So then I knew something was up when they shut the doors and the 'Rains of Castemere' started playing....and it was just horrible. I mean seriously....Dumbledore and now like 70% of the Stark family...wtf world???" The End. Because other generations had "who shot JR?" and i have to deal with this shiat.
 
2013-06-14 12:17:11 AM
"Dear NRA, thanks for making it easy for me to purchase a gun without any mandated checks into my prior transgressions or mental health problems, for the intent of killing myself (and possibly some others before that.) I'm not entirely sure if I would have been able to carry through with it, seeing as I don't know any criminals and am not familiar with how to acquire weed, let alone buy a gun on the black market."
 
2013-06-14 12:27:18 AM
Did most of them show up with suicide vest?

/'cause they should have
//Even Americans should hate America at this point
 
2013-06-14 12:28:17 AM

howdoibegin: "Dear NRA, thanks for making it easy for me to purchase a gun without any mandated checks into my prior transgressions or mental health problems, for the intent of killing myself (and possibly some others before that.) I'm not entirely sure if I would have been able to carry through with it, seeing as I don't know any criminals and am not familiar with how to acquire weed, let alone buy a gun on the black market."


You are cute because you are dumb.  Also, you exemplify the counter-gun argument stereotype so well that I really have nothing to add to this.  Furthermore, we should get together and insert things into one and other.
 
2013-06-14 12:40:58 AM
Hello World,

Today, my teacher asked me to write a suicide note. This is that note.
He asked within it to detail how and why I will be killing myself.

My teacher must be prescient of mind. I have already planned for my final destination many years ago. It involves a semi-automatic, I believe it's either called a Glock or a AK-47, pulsating bullets in my skull.
That this particular teacher has asked me to do this exercise exists the most delicious irony.
He is the one who dies first.

No, he did not touch me, and neither was I abused in any way - physical, verbal or otherwise - by him.
If there's anything he is guilty of and requires the solution of death, it is because he is in his 40s and sports a ponytail. On his balding head.
He is neither a musician, or a practioner of an alternative lfiestyle. He is the equivalent of someone old suddenly getting tattoos, or sparkly ear-rings.
They, and he, for the decency of the human race, deserve death. The only regret I have is that, after I off Old Dude, Mr. Ponytail-On-A-Balding-Head, I will commit suicide and cannot correct other outrageousnesses that proliferate in our society, such as ugly chicks with make-up (why bother?!) or guys who need to go to the gym in 26 mins (you know who they are). I will also never know I a fared in this essay task. I hope I will get an A. I deserve an A.

Goodbye World,
Fark You!
 
2013-06-14 12:45:18 AM
drupal.org
 
2013-06-14 12:46:02 AM

relaxitsjustme: Big deal.  We had to write an essay about what it would be like to stone our own Mother to death after reading The Lottery.  It didn't affect me any

/eye twitch


You do not want to know about the essay we had to write after reading Oedipus the King.

/shudder
 
2013-06-14 12:49:44 AM
Dear teacher, I'm going to eat my pop tart into a shape that vaguely resembles a gun in the hope that the school security guard will shoot me 25 times in the head with his AK-47 assault .88 Magnum revolver so I can get away from the stupidity that is zero tolerance. Please do me the favor of having the school board stand in front of me.
 
2013-06-14 12:50:18 AM

GungFu: Hello World,

Today, my teacher asked me to write a suicide note. This is that note.
He asked within it to detail how and why I will be killing myself.

My teacher must be prescient of mind. I have already planned for my final destination many years ago. It involves a semi-automatic, I believe it's either called a Glock or a AK-47, pulsating bullets in my skull.
That this particular teacher has asked me to do this exercise exists the most delicious irony.
He is the one who dies first.

No, he did not touch me, and neither was I abused in any way - physical, verbal or otherwise - by him.
If there's anything he is guilty of and requires the solution of death, it is because he is in his 40s and sports a ponytail. On his balding head.
He is neither a musician, or a practioner of an alternative lfiestyle. He is the equivalent of someone old suddenly getting tattoos, or sparkly ear-rings.
They, and he, for the decency of the human race, deserve death. The only regret I have is that, after I off Old Dude, Mr. Ponytail-On-A-Balding-Head, I will commit suicide and cannot correct other outrageousnesses that proliferate in our society, such as ugly chicks with make-up (why bother?!) or guys who need to go to the gym in 26 mins (you know who they are). I will also never know I a fared in this essay task. I hope I will get an A. I deserve an A.

Goodbye World,
Fark You!


Not bad, I give it an 85. 

- 10 points for going too cliche,
-10 for going too long, (you stomped the humor out a bit)
+5 for doing better than I ever could.

All in all, bravo sir
 
2013-06-14 01:01:15 AM
i39.tinypic.com
 
2013-06-14 01:01:17 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SudyHvtAPMY

No one has mentioned Bruce's Cry For Help from Kids In The Hall yet?
 
2013-06-14 01:03:49 AM

Yogimus: howdoibegin: "Dear NRA, thanks for making it easy for me to purchase a gun without any mandated checks into my prior transgressions or mental health problems, for the intent of killing myself (and possibly some others before that.) I'm not entirely sure if I would have been able to carry through with it, seeing as I don't know any criminals and am not familiar with how to acquire weed, let alone buy a gun on the black market."

You are cute because you are dumb.  Also, you exemplify the counter-gun argument stereotype so well that I really have nothing to add to this.  Furthermore, we should get together and insert things into one and other.


Yes, this. The Brady law has required a background check since 1994.
 
2013-06-14 01:11:53 AM

davynelson: it is a great idea, and a good way for kids to bring some shiat to the surface.


how ridiculous that a little creative writing is such a big farking deal


This. It's supposed to be a high-tone prep school. They should be doing college material. This isn't some random suburban public school.

Also, reading the notes could give teachers a chance to alert administration if their students are actually suicidal. I bet an exercise like this, with the right supervision, could save lives.

/I know it wasn't "write your own suicide note", but if it was, I don't have a problem with that, necessarily.
 
2013-06-14 01:19:41 AM

mccallcl: davynelson: it is a great idea, and a good way for kids to bring some shiat to the surface.


how ridiculous that a little creative writing is such a big farking deal

This. It's supposed to be a high-tone prep school. They should be doing college material. This isn't some random suburban public school.

Also, reading the notes could give teachers a chance to alert administration if their students are actually suicidal. I bet an exercise like this, with the right supervision, could save lives.

/I know it wasn't "write your own suicide note", but if it was, I don't have a problem with that, necessarily.


Or it could wrongly label some very creative but introverted student as a suicide risk, causing all kinds of stress for all involved. Do you really think the average teacher is qualified to decide that?
 
2013-06-14 01:54:49 AM

antron: [i39.tinypic.com image 638x224]


... never fails to crack me up
 
2013-06-14 01:57:20 AM
My suicide note:

Dear world,

I am dying of cancer, so I am going to end my life by my own terms.  If my plan worked out, I've already detonated my explosive belt and taken out at least two Kardashians or one Justin Bieber.  The following pages will explain how my hero's shrine and monument is to look, complete with measurements and construction materials.

Your hero,
Great Janitor
 
2013-06-14 02:19:35 AM

Great Janitor: My suicide note:

Dear world,

I am dying of cancer, so I am going to end my life by my own terms.  If my plan worked out, I've already detonated my explosive belt and taken out at least two Kardashians or one Justin Bieber.  The following pages will explain how my hero's shrine and monument is to look, complete with measurements and construction materials.

Your hero,
Great Janitor


Dammit man, no monument for you! You missed Snookie!
 
2013-06-14 04:04:45 AM
All are promised death
Took, not given, is my end
Have yours as you care
 
2013-06-14 04:23:27 AM
"We thought this was such an outrageous assignment for a 14-year-old to get. We pay a lot of money to send our kids to the school."

Yeah, because it would have been OK at public school.
 
2013-06-14 09:24:02 AM

Oldiron_79: Torrent of Rubbish: Oldiron_79: If I was to off myself cocaine and viagra overdose while banging 2 or more whores.

Terse, efficient and conveys your deepest thoughts effectively. You get an A-minus for your suicide note, Oldiron_79.

Well if this plan is an A minus plan what is the A plus plan?


I think you got points off for the missing comma, failure to use the subjunctive mood, and the sentence fragment ending...
 
2013-06-14 09:29:29 AM
Who did the teacher want to  murder and the leave a suicide note with the body?
 
2013-06-14 09:42:02 AM
Dear world,

By now you will have already discovered all seven proprietors of recently-cited but not shut-down puppy mills burned alive.  If you are curious as to how come they never moved from the cages in which they were found, I used a simple two-part cocktail of quick-dissolve pseudoephedrine to ensure their complete awareness by the time the fire reached them and injections of veterinary anaesthetic to their limbs. This should have the effect of preventing their feeling pain until it is much too late.

The animals have been moved by an army of only slightly misled volunteers to area no-kill shelters and to local general-aviation airports, where several older gentleman pilots are waiting to move them to states where there is a rescue demand for the breed. I regret that I had to promise my volunteers community-service hours or course credit, please make it up to them as best you can. The contents of my bank accounts, including the money left to me by my late husband, have already been routed to the ASPCA and my life-insurance policy names them as a beneficiary, with a stipulation that the worst-off regional and county shelters are to be helped first. I have carefully arranged to have a police officer related to the proprietors of Puppy Mill #4 discover me at the scene and trust, given his history of substance abuse and poor judgement, as well as his complicity in the torture of animals (see Appendix B,) that he will shoot me, thus enabling the full amount of the policy to be paid for the good of the animals. If not, I'm certain that the coroner's report will find 'heart failure' as my cause of death.

Also, in the event PETA should attempt to exploit my demise for any purpose, or even to mention it, my confederates will release various compromising documents onto the Internet. I have detailed accounts, with evidence, of the malfeasance of no less than twenty-one and at least fifty-five bankers, CEOs, Congressmen and, curiously enough, several entertainment personalities. You will treat my demise as the final act of psychotic performance art and philanthropy it was intended to be, or else you will all burn. For every million dollars subsequently donated by any of these un-named entities to low-cost spay-neuter or Trap-Neuter-Release programs, my confederates will burn one document, proceeding in a random order of my own devising.

Please take especial care of the thirty-seventh puppy from Mill #2. He is the miniature pinscher mix with the brown eyes, on whom I have placed a red collar. In the event that an innocent police officer should witness my death, I would like him or her to be offered this particular puppy to help with any PTSD, as he seems to have real therapy dog potential and should stay about that size. Also, if anyone else feels bad about the whole affair, I've left a modest fund for the lifetime veterinary care of the therapy animal of their choice.

I really wish it didn't have to end this way, but what part of 'crazy cat lady' did you guys not get?

-Spidey


/not that I've thought about it or anything.
 
2013-06-14 09:55:18 AM

quickdraw: This is the sort of writing assignment that only a childless stupid teacher would assign.


FTFY.

/I don't even *like* kids and I wouldn't be this stupid
 
2013-06-14 11:36:09 AM
Dear Penthouse,

   I never thought this could happen to me ...
 
2013-06-14 11:54:16 AM
I can think of thirteen reasons why this was not appropriate.
 
2013-06-14 12:02:09 PM
God forbid we teach student a useful skill that they can use later in life.
 
2013-06-14 12:31:17 PM
Suicide notes are for attention whores. If you had something to say to somebody at your death then you just didn't have the courage to say it to them while you were alive.
 
2013-06-14 12:53:51 PM

SpiderQueenDemon: Dear world,

By now you will have already discovered all seven proprietors of recently-cited but not shut-down puppy mills burned alive.  If you are curious as to how come they never moved from the cages in which they were found, I used a simple two-part cocktail of quick-dissolve pseudoephedrine to ensure their complete awareness by the time the fire reached them and injections of veterinary anaesthetic to their limbs. This should have the effect of preventing their feeling pain until it is much too late.

The animals have been moved by an army of only slightly misled volunteers to area no-kill shelters and to local general-aviation airports, where several older gentleman pilots are waiting to move them to states where there is a rescue demand for the breed. I regret that I had to promise my volunteers community-service hours or course credit, please make it up to them as best you can. The contents of my bank accounts, including the money left to me by my late husband, have already been routed to the ASPCA and my life-insurance policy names them as a beneficiary, with a stipulation that the worst-off regional and county shelters are to be helped first. I have carefully arranged to have a police officer related to the proprietors of Puppy Mill #4 discover me at the scene and trust, given his history of substance abuse and poor judgement, as well as his complicity in the torture of animals (see Appendix B,) that he will shoot me, thus enabling the full amount of the policy to be paid for the good of the animals. If not, I'm certain that the coroner's report will find 'heart failure' as my cause of death.

Also, in the event PETA should attempt to exploit my demise for any purpose, or even to mention it, my confederates will release various compromising documents onto the Internet. I have detailed accounts, with evidence, of the malfeasance of no less than twenty-one and at least fifty-five bankers, CEOs, Congressmen and, curiously enough, several entertainment personalities. You will treat my demise as the final act of psychotic performance art and philanthropy it was intended to be, or else you will all burn. For every million dollars subsequently donated by any of these un-named entities to low-cost spay-neuter or Trap-Neuter-Release programs, my confederates will burn one document, proceeding in a random order of my own devising.

Please take especial care of the thirty-seventh puppy from Mill #2. He is the miniature pinscher mix with the brown eyes, on whom I have placed a red collar. In the event that an innocent police officer should witness my death, I would like him or her to be offered this particular puppy to help with any PTSD, as he seems to have real therapy dog potential and should stay about that size. Also, if anyone else feels bad about the whole affair, I've left a modest fund for the lifetime veterinary care of the therapy animal of their choice.

I really wish it didn't have to end this way, but what part of 'crazy cat lady' did you guys not get?

-Spidey


/not that I've thought about it or anything.


I think I'm in love.
 
2013-06-14 02:47:39 PM
ArmednHammered:

Or it could wrongly label some very creative but introverted student as a suicide risk, causing all kinds of stress for all involved. Do you really think the average teacher is qualified to decide that?

"All kinds of stress?" Well, never mind then!
 
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