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(Slate)   After every wedding, there is a good friend or two who will disappear from your life forever--and that's really okay   (slate.com) divider line 133
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18157 clicks; posted to Main » on 12 Jun 2013 at 9:34 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-06-12 07:50:05 PM  
This may also occur after graduations, new jobs, moves within the state, moves outside the state, divorces, deaths, extended periods of travel, political reaffiliations, arguments, religious conversions, injuries, illnesses, meeting new friends, starting new hobbies, or because you just sorta kinda change over time. But, yeah, weddings.
 
2013-06-12 07:54:38 PM  

Pocket Ninja: This may also occur after graduations, new jobs, moves within the state, moves outside the state, divorces, deaths, extended periods of travel, political reaffiliations, arguments, religious conversions, injuries, illnesses, meeting new friends, starting new hobbies, or because you just sorta kinda change over time. But, yeah, weddings.


What, you mean I'm not supposed to try remaining close with my dead friends?
 
2013-06-12 08:04:39 PM  

fusillade762: Pocket Ninja: This may also occur after graduations, new jobs, moves within the state, moves outside the state, divorces, deaths, extended periods of travel, political reaffiliations, arguments, religious conversions, injuries, illnesses, meeting new friends, starting new hobbies, or because you just sorta kinda change over time. But, yeah, weddings.

What, you mean I'm not supposed to try remaining close with my dead friends?


I don't know, but you definitely shouldn't try to remain close to dead lovers.

...unless you know a good taxidermist who can install a fleshlight in the right spot.
 
2013-06-12 08:33:05 PM  
So where the FARK IS MATT?!?!?!
 
2013-06-12 08:38:47 PM  

Pocket Ninja: This may also occur after graduations, new jobs, moves within the state, moves outside the state, divorces, deaths, extended periods of travel, political reaffiliations, arguments, religious conversions, injuries, illnesses, meeting new friends, starting new hobbies, or because you just sorta kinda change over time. But, yeah, weddings.


And thanks to Facebook etc. it's a whole lot easier to reconnect after a long time, and sometimes when that happens people pick up right where they left off.
 
2013-06-12 08:48:20 PM  
Weddings don't kill relationships with friends, unless you married the wrong person.

Kids on the other hand tend to kill relationships with friends, especially friends who don't have kids, because if you're anything close to a good parent you'll be spending most of your time with your kids. That's not to say you shouldn't socialize occasionally with your friends but frankly, there are quite a few friends I see once in a blue moon now that my weekends are mostly spent at home with children.
 
2013-06-12 09:24:27 PM  
Yup. 13 years after college, I'm down to one old friend from high school that I see all the time, with a couple more via twitter/FB only.
 
2013-06-12 09:30:30 PM  
After my last wedding, I lost touch with my wife
 
2013-06-12 09:38:07 PM  

MaudlinMutantMollusk: After my last wedding, I lost touch with my wife


Yeah, I miss her too.
 
2013-06-12 09:38:12 PM  
www.somethingpositive.net
 
2013-06-12 09:39:07 PM  
"Weedings", amirite?
 
2013-06-12 09:39:46 PM  
The geography thing is a killer. For a short moment I envy those who lived before advanced transportation.
I don't think Facebook and Twitter makes up for it either, it almost seems to worsen it.
 
2013-06-12 09:40:30 PM  
Who's Matt M.? Once I had watched in awe as Matt-a polite, slow-talking Westerner-persuaded a furious cop not throw us out of the Bend, Ore., park where we were illegally camping. During the most terrifying hour of my life-a 3 a.m. drive through a Georgia hailstorm in a deathtrap Toyota-Matt sat calmly by my side in the passenger seat, switching up the mix tapes. I had seen him torn up by love, and he had seen me the same. He was the dearest of friends, and 16 years on, he was a stranger.

Chick-like typing detected. Seriously, this article really sounds like it was written by a woman.
 
2013-06-12 09:40:37 PM  
Slate is so awful.
 
2013-06-12 09:40:47 PM  
I'm getting married in December, and the inherent logic of this has me wondering 'which one...?'

But...like PocketNinja pointed out, it happens in lots of other circumstances too, so I'm not exactly stressed about it.
 
2013-06-12 09:41:05 PM  

ThatGuyGreg: Yup. 13 years after college, I'm down to one old friend from high school that I see all the time, with a couple more via twitter/FB only.


I am about the same. Don't really care to be around the people I work with outside of work so I have three good buddies (known since high school) I hang out with for the most part. My s.o. likes them so they come over on the weekends and we do stuff on the property like shoot, pan for gold, work on vehicles or shoot the shiat over nothing. They bring their s.o.'s over as well and they all get along so it works out well.

They chill out at the pool reading books while we go blow stuff up.
 
2013-06-12 09:41:38 PM  
Sometimes after a wedding everyone disappears...

Link
 
2013-06-12 09:41:50 PM  
Imagine how many friends you lose after a Disney wedding. Right, Slate?
 
zez
2013-06-12 09:42:07 PM  
I've been hanging out with the same group of friends for over 30 years, even visit the one every year who moved across the country.

Maybe it's because they are actually friends.
 
2013-06-12 09:42:15 PM  
I remember being friends with the woman who cut my entire family's hair.  She met a guy and got married quick, we had never met him.  But we were invited to the wedding.  At the reception, as the DJ introduced the couple, they walked in, I looked at him, and for some reason I looked at Mrs. Earguy and said, "we're never going to see her again."  She nodded in agreement.

Sure enough, she suddenly quit her job and we never saw her again.  It was weird, I can't even tell you what it was about him that made us both think it.
 
2013-06-12 09:42:48 PM  

bdub77: Weddings don't kill relationships with friends, unless you married the wrong person.


Sometimes it's not who you married but who your friends are. Sometimes your single friends just can't handle the fact that you are married, and despite the effort you're putting into your friendship after the marriage, they drift off. It's something you don't notice, because you're so focused on your future spouse, and often your friends are being supportive and happy to help you through this transition. However, while you give them all the time you have, they might not get all the time they want. Sometimes they are jealous and trying so hard to be happy for you. They won't ditch you before the wedding, but after you get married and officially begin this new life, they will back out. I've seen it happen.
 
2013-06-12 09:44:06 PM  
I haven't heard from my best man since my wedding. I was his best man. He has such a common name he's unfindable. He married a girl who wanted to marry me so I imagine he has journeyed through hell.
 
2013-06-12 09:47:40 PM  
Unless you are super wealthy, just go to the courthouse/magistrate. It'll be legal, you'll save between 20K-100K, and then the realities will set in just like they do with every marriage and for everyone. Yes, some will be pissed, but it's your money, and they'll get over it. For a young couple with no wealth, paying for it mostly themselves, it is just completely nuts and not worth it at all.
 
2013-06-12 09:49:07 PM  
Atomic Spunk: "Who's Matt M.? Once I had watched in awe as Matt-a polite, slow-talking Westerner-persuaded a furious cop not throw us out of the Bend, Ore., park where we were illegally camping. During the most terrifying hour of my life-a 3 a.m. drive through a Georgia hailstorm in a deathtrap Toyota-Matt sat calmly by my side in the passenger seat, switching up the mix tapes. I had seen him torn up by love, and he had seen me the same. He was the dearest of friends, and 16 years on, he was a stranger."

Chick-like typing detected. Seriously, this article really sounds like it was written by a woman.


...in which case I think we can lay some pretty decent odds on why this guy Matt that was the dude in her passenger seat keeping her calm during a life-threatening hailstorm drive earlier in her life disappeared right after her wedding to someone else. Just sayin'.
 
2013-06-12 09:49:43 PM  
Got married last June. So far the people I want to stay in touch with are still around. Sadly some of the ones I want to forget are still around too.
 
2013-06-12 09:54:02 PM  
Very true, but I think most strong friendships can endure marriage. I've hung out with the same group of guys for over twenty years now. The majority of us are married now. We don't see each other or talk nearly as much as we used to, but we easily pick it back up whenever we all get together.

Only one of the unmarried guys is slowly moving on. Not that we don't consider him a friend, but his single lifestyle just doesn't make it easy to hang out with him a lot.
 
2013-06-12 09:54:26 PM  
I've experienced this. In 2003, I shot a wedding for someone I worked with on my college newspaper. We were pretty good friends. He graduated in 2002 and moved to a city 400 miles away for his new job. I'm pretty sure the last time I saw him was at that wedding. It wasn't like I was a hanger-on invite. Their family but me up at their house while I was there.

I'm sure I'll experience it again soon. I'm going to a wedding in July for someone I knew since I got to the ship some years ago. We went on two deployment together and were roommates for two years. Turns out we had a lot in common despite appearances. He just recently got out of the Navy and I'm still in. I've planned all along to go and I will but I'm sure I may never see him again. Between him starting his new married civilian life and me 1500 miles away doing the Navy thing, I don't see how it's logistically workable.
 
2013-06-12 09:55:38 PM  
Look, when you have sex with the bride to be in the bathroom after she was seriously turned on by the two strippers in cop uniforms at her bachelorette party and everyone knows you're in town so you have to show up at the ceremony, it's rude to loiter around afterwards.
 
2013-06-12 09:59:21 PM  

firesign: Atomic Spunk: "Who's Matt M.? Once I had watched in awe as Matt-a polite, slow-talking Westerner-persuaded a furious cop not throw us out of the Bend, Ore., park where we were illegally camping. During the most terrifying hour of my life-a 3 a.m. drive through a Georgia hailstorm in a deathtrap Toyota-Matt sat calmly by my side in the passenger seat, switching up the mix tapes. I had seen him torn up by love, and he had seen me the same. He was the dearest of friends, and 16 years on, he was a stranger."

Chick-like typing detected. Seriously, this article really sounds like it was written by a woman.

...in which case I think we can lay some pretty decent odds on why this guy Matt that was the dude in her passenger seat keeping her calm during a life-threatening hailstorm drive earlier in her life disappeared right after her wedding to someone else. Just sayin'.


That does definitely sound like classic friend zone where the guy wanted more. Can't expect him to stick around once she marries someone else.
 
2013-06-12 09:59:58 PM  

lolpix: Slate is so awful.


I read this article six hours ago, and internally debated whether the assured greenlight was worth my self-respect.  I am not subby.
 
2013-06-12 10:00:53 PM  
Meh, at my best friends wedding, a couple of years back, 3 of the 4 groomsmen were also my best friends since elementary school  we are still close despite all living in different places.  Sure we dont talk as much as we used to but we all manage to get together a couple of times a year.  Generally this happens for a football game and around the holidays.  If you want to remain friends you gotta make time.

/late 30s
 
2013-06-12 10:02:08 PM  
Sometimes it's not just the extras that you should leave behind

i40.tinypic.com
 
2013-06-12 10:04:18 PM  
I think when you're single you cobble together a social circle so you always have things to do. This includes a good number of people you tolerate.

Once you start dating someone you're in limbo and slowly offing some of those people as you spend more time with the SO.  By the wedding they're still relevant enough to be invited but once you're married its perfectly acceptable to do absolutely nothing on a Saturday evening so you quickly off all the extras.  You'll have dinner parties where you'll invite couples and maybe some single people you're strategically trying to set up, but the next time you'll even consider inviting a larger group is a 1st birthday party for the kiddos.  By now its been 4-5 years, so fark it.
 
2013-06-12 10:04:41 PM  
Wives don't like your single friends?  Shocker.
 
2013-06-12 10:04:56 PM  
The good friend got off lucky.

/Nobody wants to be the third member of a marriage.
//Unless of course you're a marriage counselor...but still
 
2013-06-12 10:05:31 PM  
There's definitely a reshuffling of friends when you get married, and when you have kids.

I don't have any last-timers from my wedding (there are people I rarely see, but I rarely saw them before.)

On the other hand, one of my good friends hasn't seen her Maid of Honor since the wedding (going on 6 years), and they live like 10 minutes apart.
 
2013-06-12 10:09:42 PM  

bdub77: Weddings don't kill relationships with friends, unless you married the wrong person.


I don't know about weddings, but elections sure kill relationships with friends.
Lost 2 long time friends due to politics, 1 a Dubya fan, the other a Romney supporter.
Also some not so close friends, but oh well.wav.
 
2013-06-12 10:10:28 PM  
And people have different agendas

i44.tinypic.com
 
2013-06-12 10:11:02 PM  
I have this happen to me most often after one of my female friends breeds.  I never see her again just because I haven't reproduced.
 
2013-06-12 10:14:04 PM  

illannoyin: Sometimes after a wedding everyone disappears...

Link


We're done.
 
2013-06-12 10:14:13 PM  

whistleridge: I'm getting married in December, and the inherent logic of this has me wondering 'which one...?'

But...like PocketNinja pointed out, it happens in lots of other circumstances too, so I'm not exactly stressed about it.


Also it doesn't always happen.
 
2013-06-12 10:15:39 PM  

balki1867: I think when you're single you cobble together a social circle so you always have things to do. This includes a good number of people you tolerate.

Once you start dating someone you're in limbo and slowly offing some of those people as you spend more time with the SO.  By the wedding they're still relevant enough to be invited but once you're married its perfectly acceptable to do absolutely nothing on a Saturday evening so you quickly off all the extras.  You'll have dinner parties where you'll invite couples and maybe some single people you're strategically trying to set up, but the next time you'll even consider inviting a larger group is a 1st birthday party for the kiddos.  By now its been 4-5 years, so fark it.


I'd say say that's pretty correct I mean I've never been married but I do seem to lose friends when I get into serious relationships.
 
2013-06-12 10:16:25 PM  
Hmm, I wouldn't know since so many of you people are so apathetic (or downright antithetic) about granted marriage equality for homosexuals.  But thanks for sharing.
 
2013-06-12 10:16:48 PM  
My maid of honor, friend since high school, broke off our friendship and stopped talking to me all together. I had been traveling two hours each way to see her once a month and she, despite being much more financially stable, never came to visit me through 5 years of university. After trying to contact her to go over wedding stuff and not getting a response, I emailed her and told her enough was enough. She either had to buck up and let me know I'm not a friend anymore or actually act like the friend she was pretending to be. I told her if she wanted to stay friends, all she had to do was give me a call and I reminded her of my number. Been a year now and not a word. Still hurts...
 
2013-06-12 10:18:02 PM  

Kurmudgeon: bdub77: Weddings don't kill relationships with friends, unless you married the wrong person.

I don't know about weddings, but elections sure kill relationships with friends.
Lost 2 long time friends due to politics, 1 a Dubya fan, the other a Romney supporter.
Also some not so close friends, but oh well.wav.


If you lose longtime friends due to politics that may say something about all of you.  Im a registered (R) but vote a split ticket generally.  For example I voted against Rick Scott and I had a couple of friends that were diehard Scott fans but we didnt lose our friendship over it.  In the end whether your guy wins or loses, the sun will still come up and your life will move on.
 
2013-06-12 10:18:09 PM  
I would guess it's more likely children (assuming all the things pocket ninja mentioned also didn't happen).  I know that once people I know have kids, I tend to never talk to them again.  It's not a conscious decision, it just happens and I frankly like it that way.  Of course I have surrounded myself with people who don't intend on having kids so this has not happened much.  Marriages haven't seemed to have much of an impact on our friendships.
 
2013-06-12 10:19:06 PM  

MrHappyRotter: Hmm, I wouldn't know since so many of you people are so apathetic (or downright antithetic) about granted marriage equality for homosexuals.  But thanks for sharing.


media.tumblr.com
 
2013-06-12 10:24:09 PM  

Igor Jakovsky: If you lose longtime friends due to politics that may say something about all of you.


Well, when someone goes silent, I don't see what I can do about it.
I'm hardly a puppet master, you aren't trying the both sides are the same argument, I hope.
I do have friends who are GOP who didn't change at all, still act the same.
 
2013-06-12 10:24:26 PM  
Luckily farkbuddies that live a state over are still good for business trips.
 
2013-06-12 10:28:00 PM  
Followup from wedding day "I never had any friends again like when I was twelve. Christ, does anyone?"
 
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