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(Daily Mail)   Why didn't Queen Elizabeth I ever have children. That was a man, baby   ( dailymail.co.uk) divider line
    More: Strange, Queen Elizabeth I, Bram Stoker, Spanish Armada, Westminster Abbey, dead baby, Henry VIII  
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17288 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Jun 2013 at 10:31 AM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-06-08 08:21:38 AM  
What the hell did I just read?

Really. What the hell, man?

King Henry the VIII was too stupid to not be able to recognize his "favorite daughter", and they were able to just whip up a girl from a local boy? Really?

pensacoladigest.com
 
2013-06-08 08:34:36 AM  
wow, i guess her many lovers never went all michael douglas on her, er, him.

yeah, no.
 
2013-06-08 08:53:09 AM  
The original drag queen.
 
2013-06-08 08:55:02 AM  
As one of the millions of people with English ancestry who can trace it back (tenuiously, I'll admit) to William the Conqueror, ummm no.  The royal stuff is VERY well documented.
 
2013-06-08 09:23:51 AM  
So Sarah Palin is now the Queen?
 
2013-06-08 09:52:33 AM  
Wait, so he's saying the queen was really a boy because she acted differently as a teen than as a girl?

Because personality changes as a child goes through puberty isn't common or anything
 
2013-06-08 10:03:58 AM  

Jocundry: Wait, so he's saying the queen was really a boy because she acted differently as a teen than as a girl?

Because personality changes as a child goes through puberty isn't common or anything


Now that you mention it, my 14 year old nephew has been acting really different the past couple of years. He even sounds different...OMG, is he a drag queen imposter? It's the only logical explanation.
 
2013-06-08 10:07:08 AM  

kid_icarus: Jocundry: Wait, so he's saying the queen was really a boy because she acted differently as a teen than as a girl?

Because personality changes as a child goes through puberty isn't common or anything

Now that you mention it, my 14 year old nephew has been acting really different the past couple of years. He even sounds different...OMG, is he a drag queen imposter? It's the only logical explanation.


Lizard Alien..

jameswatkins.com
 
2013-06-08 10:24:16 AM  

hardinparamedic: King Henry the VIII was too stupid to not be able to recognize his "favorite daughter", and they were able to just whip up a girl from a local boy? Really?


Well, if he was only seeing her once every five years, I could see it happening.
 
2013-06-08 10:24:45 AM  

hardinparamedic: kid_icarus: Jocundry: Wait, so he's saying the queen was really a boy because she acted differently as a teen than as a girl?

Because personality changes as a child goes through puberty isn't common or anything

Now that you mention it, my 14 year old nephew has been acting really different the past couple of years. He even sounds different...OMG, is he a drag queen imposter? It's the only logical explanation.

Lizard Alien..

[www.jameswatkins.com image 500x313]


Get the flamethrowers. We're wasting precious time posting here.
 
2013-06-08 10:38:34 AM  
They would be bound and dragged through the mud for a mile to the scaffold. There they would be hanged, cut down and disembowelled. Their entrails would be hauled from their bodies and held in front of their faces as they died, and then their limbs would be hacked off and displayed on spikes, to be picked bare by the birds.

fitnessintuition.com

"I say we let them go."
 
2013-06-08 10:39:24 AM  
When gay King James (yes, the Bible guy) came along, there was supposedly a common saying:

"Elizabeth was our king,now James is our queen."
 
2013-06-08 10:40:20 AM  
paraicd.files.wordpress.com
Wait, that was a true story?
 
2013-06-08 10:44:45 AM  

hardinparamedic: What the hell did I just read?

Really. What the hell, man?


Couldn't have said it better myself.

Seriously?!?!
 
2013-06-08 10:47:09 AM  
The bones of Elizabeth I, Good Queen Bess, lie mingled with those of her sister, Bloody Mary, in a single tomb at Westminster Abbey.


weknowmemes.com
 
2013-06-08 10:55:43 AM  
 
2013-06-08 10:56:38 AM  

Jocundry: Wait, so he's saying the queen was really a boy because she acted differently as a teen than as a girl?

Because personality changes as a child goes through puberty isn't common or anything


I think the most damning piece of evidence is her tutor saying she was way too smart, and not nearly emotional enough, to be a girl.  Seems pretty obvious to me.
 
2013-06-08 10:57:44 AM  
And here's her boyfriend:

i500.listal.com
 
2013-06-08 10:58:09 AM  

FlashHarry: wow, i guess her many lovers never went all michael douglas on her, er, him.

yeah, no.


I guess it's possible that the lovers were gay, or there was no actual sexing going on, but it seems highly improbable.

So yes, no.
 
2013-06-08 10:59:42 AM  
Okay, okay, I got this one:

Queen Elizabeth is actually a role played by William Shakespeare, who is in turn played by Edward DeVere, 17th Earl of Oxford, who is in turn played by Cate Blanchett.
 
2013-06-08 11:02:26 AM  
Queen Bess didn't have children because she was only a Tudor and you need at least a Four-Door if you have chiildren.

(Worst joke you will read today, unless you read the article.)
 
2013-06-08 11:07:50 AM  
i589.photobucket.com
 
2013-06-08 11:10:43 AM  

nekom: As one of the millions of people with English ancestry who can trace it back (tenuiously, I'll admit) to William the Conqueror, ummm no.  The royal stuff is VERY well documented.


Loyal men of the era sprayed their seed in shotgun like fashion, winging maidens and producing many bastards.
 
2013-06-08 11:10:50 AM  
It's hard to find the right man to marry when you keep having to chop the head off of the men you love for High Treason.

To produce children she would either have had to marry a royal personnage, like the King of Spain, who was 1) a Roman Catholic; 2) eager to get his hands on her assets; and 3) the Farking King of Spain; or else a subject. She was a very intelligent, educated and politically-savey woman who had been through some rough times as a child--her Mother was beheaded, her Father was desperate to have a male heir even if it meant throwing all Europe into turmoil and having himself declared the head of the Church of England, and her subjects were more or less all plotting to replace her with a candidate of their own, whether they were RC or Prottie, and whether their man (or woman in the case of Lady Jane) was a favourite of hers or an open enemy.

In short, the Throne was no place to bring up a child.

Maybe that's the second or third worst pun you'll see today. Maybe not.
 
2013-06-08 11:12:27 AM  
He's writing a novel based on this possibility... so Yes, let's dig ol' Elizabeth up so he can have some more publicity!
 
2013-06-08 11:14:24 AM  
I see either an HBO movie or a "History" Channel miniseries in the works ...
 
2013-06-08 11:17:08 AM  
I'm sure that's as real as

geekvision.tv

1) Make up sh*t
2) Profit.
 
2013-06-08 11:18:26 AM  
Artists love symbolism - check out the last portrait and the placement of the rooster feathers.
 
2013-06-08 11:20:37 AM  
I studied Tudor history under the direction of one of the most honored American scholars of the era, Lacey Baldwin Smith. The man is 90-something years old, AFAIK, still active (adjusted for his age, of course), and I would bet my lower jaw that he's throwing shiat around his house today, because this is so stupid it burns.

Elizabeth being intersex is a hell of a lot more likely than this fish story.
 
2013-06-08 11:21:52 AM  
Isn't this in the first season of Game of Thrones?  Or does that come up later?
 
2013-06-08 11:22:09 AM  

MaliFinn: Artists love symbolism - check out the last portrait and the placement of the rooster feathers.


Its was known as the "Queen's Cock".
 
2013-06-08 11:22:59 AM  
images3.wikia.nocookie.net
Knows a thing or two about why Elizabeth I didn't have children...
 
2013-06-08 11:29:41 AM  

brantgoose: Queen Bess didn't have children because she was only a Tudor and you need at least a Four-Door if you have chiildren.

(Worst joke you will read today, unless you read the article.)


I still laughed.
 
2013-06-08 11:33:12 AM  

nmemkha: I see either an HBO movie or a "History" Channel miniseries in the works ...


History channel? It will need to involve aliens, or Hitler, at the very least.
 
2013-06-08 11:33:18 AM  
I think it's interesting that they hired a tutor for her when she was in her teens.

Twas a teen Tudor tutor.
 
2013-06-08 11:42:38 AM  
When I was a miserable teenager, Queen Elizabeth I was my hero (read: idol) instead of some bubblegum pop star. I read a lot of history and historical novels about her and even a couple about Queen Jamie as a sort of sequel or post script.

The Tudor period was farked up enough without conspiracy theories about who the Queen and Bill Shakespeare really were when they were at home.

If you want to know what was really going on, ask Walshingham. If anybody knew anything, it was W of Her Majesty's Secret Service. He was M set to Womble.

Queen Bess was a co-founder with Walshingham of British diplomacy for the next four or five hundred years. It was she who used money--massive amounts of money--as a diplomatic tool, setting up the world's greatest spy network at home and abroad. The art of secret writing---steganography--was brought to a high level and produced some of the world's greatest mystery books (astrology played a major role, as did alchemy, seeing as those two things were notionally not kosher but practically every where, even in the Vatican--this BS provided a natural cover for real intrigue and secret knowledge).

You don't need to substitute a man for a Queen, or a clever university wit for a chump from the stumps to have a romantic free-for-all that makes the Game of Thrones or the Golden Compass look dull and pedestrian. Not until the days of Good Queen Vic would England see so much action in the back alleys of espionage and treason.

The French don't call England la perfide Albion for nothing. Chances are good that Chris Marlow and Bill Shakespeare were involved in all sorts of political and ideological shenanigans but you can be almost certain that the crazier and wilder theories of what this entailed are bumpf, just as the craziest conspiracy theories of today (that climate change is a hoax, that Obama is a hoax, that the Democrats are plotting to destroy America (how would anything change if they did?)) and so forth, are just bumfodder as well. Republican bumfodder, the most poisonest kind as it combines the natterings of the ultra-far right, the religious right, the plutocratic drones, and all the other right-wingnut rear guard and harrassers of progress.

Queen E's world was half Medieval, half Early Modern. The only man she could ever have married is Lord Vetenari of Ankh-Morpork. He was more than a subject or a king. He was an equal. Equal to anything or anybody, and thus to Queen Elizabeth. In Sir Terry Pratchett's Discworld, Havelock, Lord Vetenari, the Patrician, plays chess by clacks (semaphore) with a lady vampire of great influence and power in Uberwald. In our little orb, it would have been Queen Elizabeth, Titania, the Virgin Queen.
 
2013-06-08 11:43:46 AM  
Because the person she actually loved wasn't high-born enough, and any political marriage would have lessened her power and ended the Tudor line anyway?

/Besides, there's nice perks for being jilted by Elizabeth; you can gain extra CP or a card draw.
//Fairly obscure
 
2013-06-08 11:58:02 AM  
She was fond of proclaiming that she was more of a king than a queen. 'I have the heart of a man, not a woman, and I am not afraid of anything,' she declared.

I think gender ambiguity is a pretty cool guy.  seh kills Spaniards and doesn't afraid of anything.
 
2013-06-08 11:59:02 AM  

LewDux: The bones of Elizabeth I, Good Queen Bess, lie mingled with those of her sister, Bloody Mary, in a single tomb at Westminster Abbey.


Gah. Elizabeth I's remains lie in a tomb with those of her *cousin*, Mary Queen of Scots, not Bloody Mary.

The gay king loved his mum, so he had her likeness put on the tomb instead of Elizabeth I's heh
 
2013-06-08 12:10:06 PM  
I guess some scholars have never heard of lesbians, infertility or intelligent women who didn't want some hairy jerk taking over her realm?
 
2013-06-08 12:15:34 PM  

TheSopwithTurtle: Knows a thing or two about why Elizabeth I didn't have children...


A boy without a winkle?
 
2013-06-08 12:17:30 PM  

lyndsayj: LewDux: The bones of Elizabeth I, Good Queen Bess, lie mingled with those of her sister, Bloody Mary, in a single tomb at Westminster Abbey.

Gah. Elizabeth I's remains lie in a tomb with those of her *cousin*, Mary Queen of Scots, not Bloody Mary.

The gay king loved his mum, so he had her likeness put on the tomb instead of Elizabeth I's heh


Keep researching and you'll get it.   Queen Elizabeth I died on 23 March 1603. Her tomb is in Westminster Abbey, London. She is buried with her half sister, Queen Mary I.
 
2013-06-08 12:20:07 PM  
Don't worry, I have a cunning plan.

bbc.co.uk
 
2013-06-08 12:21:51 PM  
Ya this seems likely.
 
2013-06-08 12:34:03 PM  

Gwyrddu: Don't worry, I have a cunning plan.

[www.bbc.co.uk image 396x222]


wait - is baldrick wearing glasses in that pic?
 
2013-06-08 12:51:08 PM  

FlashHarry: Gwyrddu: Don't worry, I have a cunning plan.

[www.bbc.co.uk image 396x222]

wait - is baldrick wearing glasses in that pic?


They would have been around for about 200 years by then
 
2013-06-08 12:53:37 PM  

Flab: nmemkha: I see either an HBO movie or a "History" Channel miniseries in the works ...

History channel? It will need to involve aliens, or Hitler, at the very least.


Nazi aliens gender swapped Queen Elizabeth ...

Sounds legit, lets run with it. Get that bad hair guy on the phone now!
 
2013-06-08 12:54:14 PM  
That was a long-ass ad for Steve Berry's new book.
 
2013-06-08 01:07:07 PM  
Isn't there a not incredible hypothesis that she actually did have at least one live birth? 

And reading the accounts from her contemporaries, it seems pretty obvious that she was both sex and gendered female. Or leaning that way on the spectrum anyway. She was taught by everything in her world to loathe her own kind. No wonder she rejected the traditional roles set out for her. And was so nasty to the ladies around her.
 
2013-06-08 01:14:51 PM  

GWSuperfan: That was a long-ass ad for Steve Berry's new book.


Quite decent of them to give us the highlights and save us the money of buying the book.
 
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