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(Salon)   From a new romance novel inspired by Michelle Bachmann: "He touched the void inside her, pollinating her pink flower like a master bee." I have the weirdest boner right now   (salon.com) divider line 59
    More: Strange, Michele Bachmann, Steadman Bass  
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6082 clicks; posted to Main » on 21 May 2013 at 6:40 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Archived thread
2013-05-21 07:21:22 PM
18 votes:
Rand Paul awoke to find himself bound tightly to a hard wooden chair.  The room was empty except for a glaring incandescent light bulb and something in the corner that looked disturbingly like chains.  The bare concrete walls reflected sound and light back on him, resulting in a senses-destroying cacophony.  Through the blinding light, he could make out the frame of a large steel door.

My god, he thought to himself, Obama has finally done it.  He's rounding up his enemies.  The Tea Party rally had all been a ruse to draw out the Kenyan usurper's enemies.  From somewhere beyond the rusted steel door, Rand heard the click-clack of FEMA jackboots against the concrete floor, coming closer and closer.  Rand struggled to free himself from the bindings, but whoever had tied him to this chair knew what they were doing.  The clinking of tumblers falling into place echoed in the stale air.  With a screech of rusted metal against metal, the door opened slowly inward.  Through clenched eyes, Rand could just barely make out a human form standing in the doorway.

From somewhere deep inside his soul, a primal scream of rage erupted.  "You bastards!" he screamed.  "You'll never get away with this!  We're Americans and we will never surrend-"

"Oh Rand, do shut up."

The sultry female voice stunned Rand into a momentary silence as the outline of a svelte female form emerged into the light.  Michelle Bachman was 120 lbs of sex poured into a 90 lb black leather stiletto-heeled bag.  Rand gasped as she slowly walked towards him, her hips rhythmically swaying like the foam-flecked waves of the ocean crashing against the beach.  Her lips were painted the shade of deep red that was only possible from dyes that had long since been banned by government regulators.  Her perfume reeked of sex and liberty and something dangerous... freedom.  From behind her came the soft sound of rawhide gently slapping against exposed flesh.  His senses overwhelmed, Rand felt the stirring in his loins that he had only ever felt while reading The Fountainhead.

"M-Michelle?  What's going on?  I thought Obama had launched his coup?"

"He has,"  Bachman's sultry lips pursed in disdain.  "Fox News is gone.  His gay legions have seized control of the military.  Even now his IRS goon squad is fanning out across the country, auditing anyone who tries to stand up to him."

Rand couldn't believe it.  How had Obama managed to strike so suddenly?  "Michelle, we have to do something!  Call the NRA!  It's time for second-amendment solutions!"

"Oh Rand, do you think the Kenyan didn't anticipate that?  Al Qeida destroyed NRA headquarters two hours ago."  Bachman slithered into a nearby chair and casually flicked a speck of dust from her leather thigh-highs with her riding crop.  "Wayne LaPierre was a firebrand, but never a leader.  Our training sessions together were... intense, but he always came up... short."

"We have to do something Michelle!  Untie me and we'll rally the Tea Party and-"

Bachman let out a decisive snort that sent shockwaves through Rand's baking loins.  "The Tea Party is full of children.  They're nothing on their own.  They need a leader, a warrior-prince.  I thought your father could be that man, but he's too... soft."  Bachman's lips curled into a devious smile.  Her eyes bore into Rand's soul like a missile-defense system's laser beams.  The sweat was pouring down his back now as his manhood pressed painfully against the zipper of his pants.  "What do you say Rand?"  Bachman purred.  "Are you more of a man than your father?"

Rand's vision had gone red with desire.  The taunts from the objectivist vixen punctured his defenses as if they were even their.  Driven by rage and lust, Rand Paul screamed out, "Yes!  Yes, I will be your warrior!  Tell me what I need to do!"

"Well, my little John Galt," Bachman said as she slinked out of her chair.  "Before you can lead our armies, you have to be trained."  Rand let out a gasp as a six inch stiletto heel planted itself firmly in his privately-owned baby factory.  "There's no more time for tea at this party, only S-" Rand Paul's vision went white as the rising crop smacked against his face, "-and M."
2013-05-21 07:36:04 PM
9 votes:
FlashHarry:
yeah, she's huge. 0_o

You know that's a photoshop, right?


original:

i.imgur.com
2013-05-21 07:26:15 PM
8 votes:
Over the protestations of Michelle's campaign manager, Marcus opened the door and was greeted with a most unexpected sight. A sturdy man stood before him, back turned; the muscles of his shoulders rippled, his bare buttocks glistened impossibly in the dull fluorescent light of the St. Paul Civic Center office room. The young Adonis had not heard him, or had ignored him; whatever held his attention before held it still, and in turn Marcus held still. He could not stay, he knew, but neither now could he bring himself to leave.

Within minutes, the stiff focus of his gaze shifted rightward, and thus fell upon slightly disheveled woman. Their eyes met; hers widened, a task that would seem to defy the heretofore known properties of eyes, as even at rest they were the size of Brobdingnagian saucers. She hastened to her feet, and the glint of recognition became a chill that ran through Marcus' body.

"Mi...Michelle!?" he sputtered out in a quivering falsetto, "Mi...what are you doing!?"

The woman paused, stood, ran her hand through mussed hair; her partner hiked his trousers, but did not turn, as if the floral wallpaper held his attention hostage.

"Oh, it's you Marcus." She wiped the corners of her mouth pensively as she spoke. She shrugged. "Non-story, overzealous staffer."
2013-05-21 06:51:16 PM
8 votes:
Michelle looked down at his turgid member, "I want you inside me." she softly moaned. "I want you inside me now!" She grabbed at his shirt. He pulls back, making her urges even stronger. "I WANT YOU!", she screamed. "GIVE ME IT NOW!" She lunged at him for a passionate embrace. He pulls away yet again, "Mrs. Bachmann, I won't tell you again!", he pleads, "You have to pay the kid at the other window before I can give you another corndog!"
2013-05-21 08:27:23 PM
6 votes:
The convention floor was silent as the delegates waited for the announcement. Who would win the GOP nomination and carry the standard of freedom? Who would be charged with winning the country back from Kenyan Marxist Islamofascists?

The campaign had been long, hard, and sweaty. In the end, only two contenders remained. Sarah Palin, riding the popularity of her new memoir, "Lots of Dogs", and Michele Bachmann, whose crazy-eyed stare had so famously silenced all competitors at the Republican debates. Both women waited breathlessly, their lips parted ever so slightly as they nervously unbuttoned and rebuttoned their blouses. Which of them would come out on top?

After what felt like an eternity, a figure emerged. The decrepit, flabby Grand Marshal shuffled across the stage, his liver spots and flapping jowls shining in the hot floodlights of the stage. Picking the person who would make the announcement based on his resemblance to Strom Thurmond seemed like a good idea at the time, but the delegates soon regretted their decision as the Marshal paused once again to adjust his Depends.

Finally, the old man reached the microphone. Palin fanned herself with a copy of The Fountainhead, while Bachmann loosened her hair, her brow shining with sweat. The announcement was here.

"Ladies..and..uh...gentleman", stammered the wizened Republican. "After counting the delegates, we have a...a..confound it, my spectacles...we have...a tie."

The two women gasped, their chests heaving and knees buckling at the surprise announcement. The old man continued.

"As you all know, we have not had a tie in the nomination since Rutherford B. Hayes and Roscoe Conkling in 1876. In keeping with our historical values, we will settle the nomination exactly as they did."

The delegates, unflappable in their ignorance of history, waited with bated breath to hear how the deadlock would be resolved.

"As the nomination was decided in 1876, so shall it be decided today," the Grand Marshall intoned gravely. "In accordance with party bylaws, Governor Palin and Representative Bachmann will decide the outcome with a bikini tickle fight."

Palin and Bachmann turned on each other immediately, advancing warily, removing coats, skirts, nylons, and all other superfluous items to their dreams of conquest. As their campaign staff helped strip them down to thongs and barely concealing tops and oiled them up in preparation, Palin and Bachmann regarded each other. Though each knew the stakes, the dreams that would be fulfilled or crushed that day, both couldn't help but feel a certain pride at knowing the part they would play in writing history that day.

As the ceremonial tub of jello was brought out onto the convention floor, the two women locked in a close embrace before the proceedings began. It was time to heal America.
2013-05-21 08:04:57 PM
6 votes:
i.imgur.com
2013-05-21 07:32:10 PM
6 votes:

anfrind: FlashHarry: theorellior: FlashHarry: i don't get the "mooshelle" thing. do they think she's fat? seriously?

[www.comicsbeat.com image 500x690]

[assets4.designsponge.com image 500x681]

yeah, she's huge. 0_o

You can only see how huge she really is after you unskew the photo.


i45.tinypic.com
2013-05-21 05:39:29 PM
6 votes:

Lorelle: Try as she might, Michelle just couldn't get Steadman out of her mind. She thought of what his throbbing manhood must look like as she aggressively sucked down a huge corn dog for dinner that night...


luck was on her side. marcus was at the gym again. it's funny, she thought - he goes to the gym for hours a day yet he remains chubby and weak-limbed. what could he be doing there all this time? no matter; he was gone, and she was alone with steadman and his christ-like chiseled body.
2013-05-21 08:26:06 PM
5 votes:
He touched the void inside her

That gaping space between her ears?
2013-05-21 07:27:51 PM
5 votes:

FlashHarry: theorellior: FlashHarry: i don't get the "mooshelle" thing. do they think she's fat? seriously?

[www.comicsbeat.com image 500x690]

[assets4.designsponge.com image 500x681]

yeah, she's huge. 0_o


You can only see how huge she really is after you unskew the photo.
2013-05-21 07:07:40 PM
5 votes:
I'll buy the Book on tape if this guy reads it. I love him In 50 Shades of Grey.
bakanekonoyuutsu.files.wordpress.com
2013-05-21 06:57:10 PM
5 votes:
i.imgbox.com
2013-05-21 05:34:52 PM
5 votes:
Lame. I can do better than that.

Revek: and takes a bite out of it like a giant corn dog.


Try as she might, Michelle just couldn't get Steadman out of her mind. She thought of what his throbbing manhood must look like as she aggressively sucked down a huge corn dog for dinner that night...
2013-05-21 09:53:21 PM
4 votes:

BolshyGreatYarblocks: No prose attempt here, but realism might involve Mr. Bachmann gasping out a man's name at the moment of climax.


"Oohhh Barack..."
2013-05-21 06:50:40 PM
4 votes:
Marcus looked at Michelle's naked body, his mountain standing tall, a throbbing monument to his desire. "Babe, crushing the dreams of those socialist union workers has given me such an urge for you."

Michelle felt the heat grow between her legs and she parted them. "Take me, Marcus, take me in the biblical way!"

Marcus approached her, his flagstaff moving in rhythm. "You will speak when I tell you to," he said, bringing the whip down upon her hard, eliciting an aroused whimper from Michelle.
2013-05-21 06:45:02 PM
4 votes:
He took his bulging Fifth Amendment and gently slid it into Michele's Bill of Rights...
2013-05-21 06:21:20 PM
4 votes:

Revek: Except she looked like she was biting it instead of sucking it down.


No, no, NO. She playfully teased the head of it with her teeth, gently caressed it with her experienced tongue, then deep-throated it like a pro.
2013-05-21 08:07:11 PM
3 votes:
"Oh, Marcus would never do this.  Oh. Oh, yes."

The woman sighed and twisted underneath the expert ministrations of my nimble fingers as they explored the secret areas between her thighs.

"Mmm. You like it," I whispered in her area as my thumb made round circular motions in Michelle's most sensitive place. " You like it more than pegging him every night with that strap-on."

The woman gave a sharp, short laugh and then bit down on her lip.

"Are you ready, Michelle? Are you ready to let me violate you the way you violated your husband all those years?  On your knees?"

"Oh yes," she gasped and grabbed my stiffness with fumbling exuberance.  "Fill me up at the pump, baby, and make it hurt like slashing aid for poor blind kids with leukemia. Oh yeah."
2013-05-21 07:39:41 PM
3 votes:
Michelle tried, for what seemed like the thousandth time, to reconcile her Christian Family Values with her desire to have Mandingo's gigantic Kielbassa sink into her throbbing love opening, again, again, again, pounding, without mercy, without end. "Oh, Jesus," she screamed, "Stop! No, don't stop! Wait! Stop! No, I mean don't stop! I love you Jesus but God I love the salami too! I'm a disgusting, vile hypocrite and how that makes my pudding quiver!"

"Damn," thought Mandingo, "this here's one farked up white lady. Sure is purty though."
2013-05-21 07:17:32 PM
3 votes:
Sighs...ah youth. Many a time i went out with friends to a bar, and ended up balls deep in some gigantic fatty, stirring her innards with my meaty baton of love. Not bad, kinda like sticking it in a rubber boot filled with warm mayo.
2013-05-21 06:50:43 PM
3 votes:

Honest Bender: Wtf is a master bee?


It's a bee who's licensed and certified. Before that he was a journeyman bee, and before that an apprentice bee. The whole Bee Union, very organized, as one might expect.


exick: Honest Bender: Wtf is a master bee?

It's what Michele is forced to do after yet another frustrating night of Marcus trying and failing to put it in her "icky place"


Now THIS is a funny, way more than mine, and I did laugh openly and without reservation at this.
2013-05-21 06:46:43 PM
3 votes:
I assume we're talking honeybees, in which the pollinators are female bees.

Just got hotter, didn't it?
2013-05-21 06:18:16 PM
3 votes:

Honest Bender: Wtf is a master bee?


It's what Michele is forced to do after yet another frustrating night of Marcus trying and failing to put it in her "icky place"
2013-05-21 05:13:12 PM
3 votes:
www.myconfinedspace.com
2013-05-21 10:55:06 PM
2 votes:
The golden orb of the moon shone radiantly down upon the peaceful valley.  He leaned close to her and whispered into her ear, "That's no moon."

"Wait. What?"
2013-05-21 08:34:38 PM
2 votes:

SuperNinjaToad: Bachmann's pink flower in case anyone is wondering.


2.bp.blogspot.com
2013-05-21 08:17:17 PM
2 votes:

WI241TH: [i.imgur.com image 252x141]
This whole thread


You betcha Bachmann would make your Trojan shake!
2013-05-21 08:13:37 PM
2 votes:
i.imgur.com
This whole thread
2013-05-21 08:02:41 PM
2 votes:

Old Man Winter: Needs more Palin.


Bachmann-Palin-Obamadrive.
2013-05-21 07:54:15 PM
2 votes:

anfrind: You can only see how huge she really is after you unskew the photo.


Exactly, lib-u-lardos.

i.imgur.com
2013-05-21 07:52:49 PM
2 votes:
Sarah squinted and smirked as she took off those faux soccer mom glasses and transformed into a she-tigress of lust.  She crawled across the floor towards me, sticking her derriere high in the air as she made her way between my legs.

"I like Alaskan King Crab Legs," she murmured, unzipping my fly.  "I like to lick the butter off them. Is that what you like?"

There were giant ross perot sucking sounds as things became too obscene for any more words. No, just animalistic grunts and cries of pleasure.
2013-05-21 07:51:07 PM
2 votes:
i44.tinypic.com
2013-05-21 07:12:16 PM
2 votes:

Tenorman's Tears: Um... male bees are rarely pollinators.
A "master bee" pollinator would be a female.


static.comicvine.com
2013-05-21 07:11:51 PM
2 votes:

Snarfangel: Hmm, a bipartisan romance involving Michele and Michelle. All we need is an independent Michellle for a threesome...


Would an anchor baby work?

www.creators.com
2013-05-21 06:56:30 PM
2 votes:
Wisps of white steam wafted off of Steadman's member, a hot corn dog in the middle of the frozen wilderness. It did not belong there. She, the prim and proper Ms. Powers, did not belong there either. And yet, there she was.

Just as he was ready to descend upon her sweet, tender flower, to warm her shivering body from within, he noticed it.

She had sharp knees.

His manhood sagged a little at the realization. He stood and he reclothed himself, even as she gasped in anticipation. "I'm sorry, Ms. Powers," he said, his voice deep and throaty. "This will have to... wait." And then he walked away.
2013-05-21 06:55:40 PM
2 votes:

skinink: He took his bulging Fifth Amendment and gently slid it into Michele's Bill of Rights...


She quivered. Try as she did to resist, she gave way to his habeus corpus...her elastic clause shuddering with delight...
2013-05-21 06:00:41 PM
2 votes:
static4.businessinsider.com
2013-05-21 05:58:16 PM
2 votes:

Lorelle: Lame. I can do better than that.

Revek: and takes a bite out of it like a giant corn dog.

Try as she might, Michelle just couldn't get Steadman out of her mind. She thought of what his throbbing manhood must look like as she aggressively sucked down a huge corn dog for dinner that night...


I have never been so turned off in my life.
2013-05-21 05:28:34 PM
2 votes:
and takes a bite out of it like a giant corn dog.
2013-05-22 02:47:04 AM
1 votes:

Oldiron_79: fluffy2097: I'll buy the Book on tape if this guy reads it. I love him In 50 Shades of Grey.

Do they have 50 shades on tape with Betty White?



Yes, but it's a little different...

2.bp.blogspot.com
2013-05-22 01:23:38 AM
1 votes:

Old Man Winter: CSB
On my second visit to this thread, I am reminded of the first anime I ever watched.  No idea what the plot was, but at some point causing a fairy, or perhaps pixie, to have an orgasm was important.  This was accomplished by using a thin mushroom to mastrbate her into a frenzy, during which time she screamed,  "Bee!  Bee!  Bee!" piercingly loud.
This was my impression of anime for many years, causing me to avoid it like the plague, which is a damn shame.

/ willing to bet someonehere instantly could instantly name whatever the hell it was I watched.


That is hysterical. The expression on the guy's face is priceless.
2013-05-21 10:25:35 PM
1 votes:

NateAsbestos: BolshyGreatYarblocks: No prose attempt here, but realism might involve Mr. Bachmann gasping out a man's name at the moment of climax.

"Oohhh Barack..."


i1282.photobucket.com
2013-05-21 09:46:16 PM
1 votes:
i.imgur.com
i.imgur.com
i.imgur.com
i.imgur.com i.imgur.com
i.imgur.com
2013-05-21 09:18:56 PM
1 votes:
CSB
On my second visit to this thread, I am reminded of the first anime I ever watched.  No idea what the plot was, but at some point causing a fairy, or perhaps pixie, to have an orgasm was important.  This was accomplished by using a thin mushroom to mastrbate her into a frenzy, during which time she screamed,  "Bee!  Bee!  Bee!" piercingly loud.
This was my impression of anime for many years, causing me to avoid it like the plague, which is a damn shame.

/ willing to bet someonehere instantly could instantly name whatever the hell it was I watched.
2013-05-21 08:25:12 PM
1 votes:

WTFDYW: Bit'O'Gristle: Sighs...ah youth. Many a time i went out with friends to a bar, and ended up balls deep in some gigantic fatty, stirring her innards with my meaty baton of love. Not bad, kinda like sticking it in a rubber boot filled with warm mayo.


Gee. Thanks for reminding me of those days. :-/


Question asked. Question answered.
2013-05-21 07:57:28 PM
1 votes:

Mentat: Rand Paul awoke to find himself bound tightly to a hard wooden chair.  The room was empty except for a glaring incandescent light bulb and something in the corner that looked disturbingly like chains.  The bare concrete walls reflected sound and light back on him, resulting in a senses-destroying cacophony.  Through the blinding light, he could make out the frame of a large steel door.

My god, he thought to himself, Obama has finally done it.  He's rounding up his enemies.  The Tea Party rally had all been a ruse to draw out the Kenyan usurper's enemies.  From somewhere beyond the rusted steel door, Rand heard the click-clack of FEMA jackboots against the concrete floor, coming closer and closer.  Rand struggled to free himself from the bindings, but whoever had tied him to this chair knew what they were doing.  The clinking of tumblers falling into place echoed in the stale air.  With a screech of rusted metal against metal, the door opened slowly inward.  Through clenched eyes, Rand could just barely make out a human form standing in the doorway.

From somewhere deep inside his soul, a primal scream of rage erupted.  "You bastards!" he screamed.  "You'll never get away with this!  We're Americans and we will never surrend-"

"Oh Rand, do shut up."

The sultry female voice stunned Rand into a momentary silence as the outline of a svelte female form emerged into the light.  Michelle Bachman was 120 lbs of sex poured into a 90 lb black leather stiletto-heeled bag.  Rand gasped as she slowly walked towards him, her hips rhythmically swaying like the foam-flecked waves of the ocean crashing against the beach.  Her lips were painted the shade of deep red that was only possible from dyes that had long since been banned by government regulators.  Her perfume reeked of sex and liberty and something dangerous... freedom.  From behind her came the soft sound of rawhide gently slapping against exposed flesh.  His senses overwhelmed, Rand felt the stirring in his loins that h ...


lh5.googleusercontent.com
2013-05-21 07:56:35 PM
1 votes:

Honest Bender: Wtf is a master bee?


www.albundy.net
2013-05-21 07:55:48 PM
1 votes:

Omahawg: Sarah squinted and smirked as she took off those faux soccer mom glasses and transformed into a she-tigress of lust.  She crawled across the floor towards me, sticking her derriere high in the air as she made her way between my legs.

"I like Alaskan King Crab Legs," she murmured, unzipping my fly.  "I like to lick the butter off them. Is that what you like?"

There were giant ross perot sucking sounds as things became too obscene for any more words. No, just animalistic grunts and cries of pleasure.


woops. duh. sarah palin, michele bachmann, whatever

I can just change it to lutefisk lust, I suppose
2013-05-21 07:55:14 PM
1 votes:

God-is-a-Taco: FlashHarry:
yeah, she's huge. 0_o

You know that's a photoshop, right?


original:

[i.imgur.com image 333x500]


Obama doesn't tap that, he taps out.
2013-05-21 07:49:47 PM
1 votes:
I hate to be a spoiler, but I just have to talk about the happy ending.
Marcus is actually the straight one, and Michelle is a lesbian!
I never saw that cumming... I mean coming.
2013-05-21 07:31:50 PM
1 votes:

Albino Squid: Snip


Nailed it.
2013-05-21 07:30:38 PM
1 votes:

Lorelle: Revek: Except she looked like she was biting it instead of sucking it down.

No, no, NO. She playfully teased the head of it with her teeth, gently caressed it with her experienced tongue, then deep-throated it like a pro.


Still not enough to red the thread.

/Subby, what happened? Were the FAIL and Asinine tags holding Sick tag's hair while it barfed its guts out when you submitted?
2013-05-21 07:29:42 PM
1 votes:
...I was going to say this is the sign that, as an author, you've finally snapped and lost it.

Then I read the thread.
2013-05-21 07:26:58 PM
1 votes:
I have the weirdest boner Boehner right now.

ftfy
2013-05-21 07:20:27 PM
1 votes:

theorellior: FlashHarry: i don't get the "mooshelle" thing. do they think she's fat? seriously?

[www.comicsbeat.com image 500x690]


"Oops, I forgot to tell a joke!"
2013-05-21 07:20:19 PM
1 votes:

theorellior: FlashHarry: i don't get the "mooshelle" thing. do they think she's fat? seriously?

[www.comicsbeat.com image 500x690]


assets4.designsponge.com

yeah, she's huge. 0_o
2013-05-21 06:46:28 PM
1 votes:

Lorelle: Revek: Except she looked like she was biting it instead of sucking it down.

No, no, NO. She playfully teased the head of it with her teeth, gently caressed it with her experienced tongue, then deep-throated it like a pro.


27.media.tumblr.com
2013-05-21 06:22:16 PM
1 votes:

Lorelle: Revek: Except she looked like she was biting it instead of sucking it down.

No, no, NO. She playfully teased the head of it with her teeth, gently caressed it with her experienced tongue, then deep-throated it like a pro.


Okay okay now I'm interested.
2013-05-21 05:46:06 PM
1 votes:
Wtf is a master bee?
 
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