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Duplicate of another approved link: 7722403

(Planet Ivy)   News: Unexpected gatecrashers ransack house. Fark: Baboons. Baboons everywhere   ( divider line
    More: Silly, gate-crashing, yall  
•       •       •

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2013-05-21 12:30:06 PM  
2 votes:

casual disregard: I read the word twice as balloons so I was expecting...well, I don't know what I was expecting exactly.

The Spanish Inquisition?
2013-05-21 12:17:02 PM  
2 votes:
okay this viral campaign for the new Planet of the Apes movie has gone too far.
2013-05-21 12:09:58 PM  
2 votes:
2013-05-21 01:24:25 PM  
1 vote:
everywhere there was dung, poo fighting?
2013-05-21 12:59:56 PM  
1 vote:
I just had an epiphany.

The reason you don't see any baboons in The Planet of the Apes franchise is that they are so aggressive and have such bad attitudes towards work and property that nobody, not even the dolt who genetically engineered apes to be slaves in a Conservative Southerner Race War Paranoid Fantasy* (I think he was French, perhaps), would attempt to train baboons.

They do make good guard animals. Ren & Stimpy have not lied to you about that. They really will tear your face off and eat it, although so will a very angry chimpanzee.

The reason you don't see any Mandrills is that their gorgeous red, white and/or blue buttocks would make them the laughing stocks of the Planet of the Apes and they'd kill us all, orangutans, chimps and gorillas included.

The best ape to train for the servant classes would probably be the Bonobo** Chimpanzee, which are smart, gentle, horny, and wise-cracking, but they are among the fugliest of the Great Apes, so evidently the TV and Movie people eliminated them the way American media always eliminate the fuglies and replace them with gorgeous people who wear glasses or wear bow-ties.

Presumably there are Bonobos** in the funnier, more intelligent, British Planet of the Apes, but the TV series was only six episodes long so nobody knows it exists. A Merchant & Mammoth Ivory production.

If there were Baboons on the Planet of the Apes, they'd be the ones with Thugz-4-Life tats. Gorillas would cross the street to avoid meeting one. Because Gorillas are vegetarians and relatively peace-loving and non-aggressive creatures despite over a century of racist press from the same dipshiat producers and directors who gave you Jungle Fever movies and Jar-Jar Binks.

The real African American actors, like Rochester, Step-'n'-Fetch-It and Bill Crosby, were dignified and lovable scamps, especially when compared to the crap the SF and horror movies produced in the way of racial characterizations. Even the great King Kong was as racist and ahistorical as a Japanese Monster movie. Panicky Africans in the South Sea Islands? Well, not a lot of them, really. The few that there were jumped ship like their white crewmates. Trust me, if the Panicky Africans could build megalithic walls and gates to keep out 65 foot giant apes, they would NOT forget how to maintain them. EVER.

(What was the gate for?)***

*Starring Charlton Heston, who else? He was the go-to-guy for Right Wing White Paranoia for a lifetime of bad movies. (In the original Last Man on Earth movie, Vincent Price played a guilt-struck liberal. In Omega Man, Chuck played a guilty but unrepentant gun-loving gung-ho warmonger flunky scientist. Go figure)

**AKA the Sexy Chimp. Quote: "Where de human women at?"

*** You know, I think I have digressed again. Oh, well. That's my schtick. That's the Brantgoose treatment. It's what I do. My theory is that the Panicky Natives built the gate back when they had tanks and big guns. They may have also had the Bomb. As seen in the soon-to-be released RETURN TO GIANT APE ISLAND, where the Movie Producer discovers a society of extra-tiny lemurs that worship an unexploded H-bomb while trying to invent a delivery system to attack the San Diego Zoo.
2013-05-21 12:28:56 PM  
1 vote:
2013-05-21 12:14:25 PM  
1 vote:

ChipNASA: Meh,

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