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(Daily Mail)   People give the craziest excuses just to stay home from work, but a study of 1,000 workers and 1,000 bosses have brought out some real doozies   (dailymail.co.uk) divider line 151
    More: Amusing, big toe, development director, back pain  
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17708 clicks; posted to Main » on 18 May 2013 at 3:03 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-05-17 09:03:35 PM
True story: I worked at a restaurant once where a waitress called in because her ponytail was too sweaty. *hork*

/not subby
 
2013-05-17 09:37:25 PM
Because "I HATE MY F*CKING JOB AND EVERY F*CKING ONE OF YOU SO I NEED A F*CKING DAY OFF OR I'LL F*CKING KILL YOU ALL!" never seems to work out right

/I, uh... heard about someone who did that once...
//voice mail never seems to convey the subtle nuances
 
2013-05-17 09:54:21 PM
If i call in, the booths just need that much more mopping tomorrow
 
2013-05-17 10:13:41 PM
This has never not worked for me:

*ring ring*
"Hello?"
"Hey boss, I'm not going to make it in today, sorry."

Of course I'm not an asshat that plays games with his employer, so most bosses respect when I want to take a personal day.

If the employer is the one being unreasonable or playing games, I just won't work there anymore.

Pretending your sick or making up stories is the type of shiat most adults leave behind in childhood. They aren't your teacher or your mom, they are your employer.
 
2013-05-17 10:54:19 PM
I am going to give you guys the 2 golden "get out of work free" maladies ......

VERTIGO

 and

GOUT

I actually suffer from both and believe me, if either of them hit me hard, there is no way I can physically work.

You are welcome. You can buy me a beer if we ever meet.
 
2013-05-17 11:19:06 PM
I drank too much and fell asleep on someone's floor - I don't know where I am

That's a perfectly valid excuse. Who among us hasn't had that happen?

Worst time I've had of that was the morning after my bachelor's party. Woke up in an apartment with five other people, only one of which I recognized and we'd never even spoken before. I didn't even know what city we were in.
 
2013-05-17 11:37:00 PM

Beerguy: I am going to give you guys the 2 golden "get out of work free" maladies ......

VERTIGO

 and

GOUT

I actually suffer from both and believe me, if either of them hit me hard, there is no way I can physically work.

You are welcome. You can buy me a beer if we ever meet.


Well, I would, but beer can lead to both vertigo and gout, so I'd feel bad if I did

/I'll just order two and drink the extra one in your honor
 
2013-05-18 12:07:16 AM

Beerguy: I am going to give you guys the 2 golden "get out of work free" maladies ......

VERTIGO

 and

GOUT

I actually suffer from both and believe me, if either of them hit me hard, there is no way I can physically work.

You are welcome. You can buy me a beer if we ever meet.


I have both of those too, but I just walk the streets of NYC upside down back and forth to work every day.

/take my advice.. please
 
2013-05-18 01:21:46 AM

MurphyMurphy: This has never not worked for me:

*ring ring*
"Hello?"
"Hey boss, I'm not going to make it in today, sorry."

Of course I'm not an asshat that plays games with his employer, so most bosses respect when I want to take a personal day.

If the employer is the one being unreasonable or playing games, I just won't work there anymore.

Pretending your sick or making up stories is the type of shiat most adults leave behind in childhood. They aren't your teacher or your mom, they are your employer.


If I'm your boss, my answer is, "Why not?"

I you say, "It's a nice day out, and I want the day of", I'll tell you that you need to ask for personal leave in advance and I need you to come to work.  If you refuse, we'll follow policy on being AWOL.  Being honest is expected, but so is doing your job.  That includes coming in.

But then, I give a shiat about my library and having enough staff in during the day to do good service.
 
2013-05-18 01:39:26 AM
My best work excuse was when one morning about 3:00, I was startled awake by the sound of an enormous crash.  Then I realized i was hearing a great deal of rushing water.  I followed the noise and discovered that my water heater had fallen through the floor and there was a river of water gushing into the crawlspace under my house.

The whole thing was a tremendous pain in the ass to deal with but at least I got the best excuse of the day award at work.
 
2013-05-18 02:00:04 AM
I had a female employee that once tried to get out of work by telling me she was cramping and having a "chunky flow" day.  It was an excuse that apparently worked very well on her previous male supervisors.  I told her to take some Midol and get her ass to work.  Don't try that shiat with another woman, especially when she's your boss.  Her work attendance improved dramatically while I was there :-)
 
2013-05-18 02:27:59 AM
None of these would make any sense to tell a boss:
-A can of baked beans landed on my big toe
-I was swimming too fast and smacked my head on the poolside
-My car handbrake broke and it rolled down the hill into a lamppost
-My hamster died
-I slipped on a coin
-My dog has had a big fright and I don't want to leave him
-I've injured myself during sex
-I am stuck in my house because the door is broken
-My new girlfriend bit me in a delicate place
-I've had a hair dye disaster
-The dog ate my shoes
-My fish is sick
-I swallowed white spirit
-My toe is trapped in the bath tap
-I'm in A&E as I got a clothes peg stuck on my tongue

Some of these make better excuses than others, but are all good reasons not to come to work:
-I burned my hand on the toaster
-I am hallucinating
-My mum has died (this was the second time the person used this excuse)
-I drank too much and fell asleep on someone's floor - I don't know where I am
-I've got a sore finger
-I have a blocked nose
-I'm using a new contact lens solution and my eyes are watering
-My trousers split on the way to work
-I've been bitten by an insect
-I've had a sleepless night

/I always just say I'm sick and coughing.  The boss doesn't want you at work coughing. period.
 
2013-05-18 02:31:17 AM
Being a boss, I never got any weird excuses.  Broken down vehicles and sickness.

I did have someone call in lazy, "I just don't think I can work today"
I told him we were slow anyway and to get it together for tomorrow.  I was fortunate he didn't abuse my easygoingness.

/has called in lazy (ahem, sick) plenty
 
2013-05-18 03:12:10 AM

MurphyMurphy: This has never not worked for me:

*ring ring*
"Hello?"
"Hey boss, I'm not going to make it in today, sorry."

Of course I'm not an asshat that plays games with his employer, so most bosses respect when I want to take a personal day.

If the employer is the one being unreasonable or playing games, I just won't work there anymore.

Pretending your sick or making up stories is the type of shiat most adults leave behind in childhood. They aren't your teacher or your mom, they are your employer.


Yep not gonna make it today. Really shouldnt require any more explaination than that
 
2013-05-18 03:12:26 AM
Okay, I either need a day off for my 104 degree fever or I need a day off because I need to find a place to get rid of the hooker's body...
 
2013-05-18 03:14:15 AM
Call in with an Oregon Trail type disease. Yeah boss, got the dysentery.
 
2013-05-18 03:15:12 AM
Who needs excuses.  I just say, "I need to take the day off."  My boss is cool enough not to have a problem with that (unless it's right before a big deadline that is critical, but that's rare).  Besides, I have at least five weeks worth of vacation time saved up.
 
2013-05-18 03:15:14 AM
Had a buddy of mine call in sad. Got girl troubles and im just to sad to make it in today.

5 years ago and I still tease him about it
 
2013-05-18 03:20:49 AM
-My hamster died.

How is this not a vaild reason to miss work?  If a member of my family died and you expect me to be in, then I'm going to tell you get farked with a rusty iron pipe.  Granted, I've been through this several times, and still gone to work, but if you're still new to losing pets, or you're fighting to get one healthy, you should be able to stay with them.  I've called out to spend the day sitting with a dying rat, and that's what I told them I'd be doing.  They didn't give me shiat for it, just said ok and their condolences.


Benevolent Misanthrope: MurphyMurphy: This has never not worked for me:

*ring ring*
"Hello?"
"Hey boss, I'm not going to make it in today, sorry."

Of course I'm not an asshat that plays games with his employer, so most bosses respect when I want to take a personal day.

If the employer is the one being unreasonable or playing games, I just won't work there anymore.

Pretending your sick or making up stories is the type of shiat most adults leave behind in childhood. They aren't your teacher or your mom, they are your employer.

If I'm your boss, my answer is, "Why not?"

I you say, "It's a nice day out, and I want the day of", I'll tell you that you need to ask for personal leave in advance and I need you to come to work.  If you refuse, we'll follow policy on being AWOL.  Being honest is expected, but so is doing your job.  That includes coming in.

But then, I give a shiat about my library and having enough staff in during the day to do good service.


This.  Including the library part.  If I can make it in to work my shift until 2am, you can damn well make it in for a three hour shift, no matter how nice the evening may be.  Yes, I supervisor workstudy college students.  No, I don't care if you just decided you'd rather go out drinking tonight...
 
2013-05-18 03:21:06 AM
I was in the office one day at one placed I worked and a guy called in said he could come in because they couldn't find the keys to the handcuffs. I guess his girlfriend was holding the phone for him. Bosses got such a kick out of it they told him to enjoy day off.
 
2013-05-18 03:21:17 AM
I don't give boss any more info than they need.

"I won't be in today.  I'm taking sick time."
or
"I won't be in today. I'm taking vacation time."

fark them.  I treat them the same way they treat me.
 
2013-05-18 03:21:20 AM
When my dad died, my arsehole boss made me produce a copy of the death certificate or he'd dock my pay.

He was subsequently nicknamed Ed.
 
2013-05-18 03:21:27 AM
"I lost my fake leg"
 
2013-05-18 03:27:25 AM
I've given more odd excuses than these, but I've never been the best employee. To my credit (or perhaps not), hallucinating has not caused me to call in to work and I'd often go to work while high or tripping when I was younger.

CSB: My most creative excuse was once when I had just acquired a life-size Kate Bush promo poster for her Hounds of Love album and I called in to tell my boss that because of this I had an erection that wouldn't go down. I said that I wouldn't be able to come into work that day not only because that would make things awkward and be a potential lawsuit liability in the workplace, but that I was torn between staying at home and staring at the poster or seeking medical attention.

Not so CSB: Another time I called into work was because of my roommate and a faulty toilet. With this uncooperative toilet, the water would continue to flow if you didn't jiggle the handle after flushing. My roommate had apparently clogged the toilet and the water continued to flow, flooding the bathroom with shiat water. I wasn't aware of this until I was getting ready for work, and I ended up having to clean up the mess because my roommate wasn't at home.
 
2013-05-18 03:30:18 AM

steerforth: When my dad died, my arsehole boss made me produce a copy of the death certificate or he'd dock my pay.

He was subsequently nicknamed Ed.


My dad died last month.  When I called my boss he simply said, "take whatever time you need."  He didn't ask for proof and he explicitly said to take "comp time" as opposed to taking it out of my vacation pool.

But then, my boss isn't a douche like yours.  Find a new job.  Don't give two weeks notice.  In other words, treat your boss with the same respect he treats you.  I suggest that you tell him at 4:59pm that it is your last day.
 
2013-05-18 03:31:39 AM
I once had to call in 'cause my pants got stolen. All of my pants, taken from the dryer in my apartment building. Had to find an old holey pair to wear then go pants shopping that day. My boss was cool with it though: best excuse she'd heard, she told me later.
 
2013-05-18 03:33:04 AM
Pretty sure I've seen most of these officially reported as reasons why a star professional baseball player was being put on the disabled list for a series.

I've called in sick twice in the past 4 years.  Once was a day because I got natural gas poisoning from a busted pipe to a stove in my cheapass previous apartment.  The other was a day for dealing with a case of full-blown norovirus.
 
2013-05-18 03:33:53 AM

OgreMagi: steerforth: When my dad died, my arsehole boss made me produce a copy of the death certificate or he'd dock my pay.

He was subsequently nicknamed Ed.

My dad died last month.  When I called my boss he simply said, "take whatever time you need."  He didn't ask for proof and he explicitly said to take "comp time" as opposed to taking it out of my vacation pool.

But then, my boss isn't a douche like yours.  Find a new job.  Don't give two weeks notice.  In other words, treat your boss with the same respect he treats you.  I suggest that you tell him at 4:59pm that it is your last day.


Hell yeh, what a creep of a boss and sorry for both of your losses.
 
2013-05-18 03:37:41 AM

steerforth: When my dad died, my arsehole boss made me produce a copy of the death certificate or he'd dock my pay.

He was subsequently nicknamed Ed.


Should have provided one, then a second one filled out with your bosse's name and home address.
 
2013-05-18 03:40:11 AM

HotWingAgenda: Pretty sure I've seen most of these officially reported as reasons why a star professional baseball player was being put on the disabled list for a series.

I've called in sick twice in the past 4 years.  Once was a day because I got natural gas poisoning from a busted pipe to a stove in my cheapass previous apartment.  The other was a day for dealing with a case of full-blown norovirus.


You arent that poor guy that puked and shiat himself at the bus station are ya? Had to feel for that poor farker.
 
2013-05-18 03:42:23 AM

GGracie: I had a female employee that once tried to get out of work by telling me she was cramping and having a "chunky flow" day.  It was an excuse that apparently worked very well on her previous male supervisors.  I told her to take some Midol and get her ass to work.  Don't try that shiat with another woman, especially when she's your boss.  Her work attendance improved dramatically while I was there :-)


I used to sometimes get nauseous and have pain so bad I couldn't stand unless I took ibuprofen, and even then I was tired and had pain. Usually still went to work out of financial need though, even if I spent all the slow periods sitting. It was easier to deal with it in my early twenties.

However when I get the rare migraine, there is no 'toughing it out'. There is only lying down, covering the eyes, and praying not to vomit, no matter how filthy the concrete floor in the bathroom at the car parts store is. In the past I was lucky enough to get a ride from a coworker one time, but the car parts place was the only time I've ever called Lordfortuna at work and said 'for the love of god, please come get me so I can pass out at home'...
 
2013-05-18 03:43:30 AM

steerforth: He was subsequently nicknamed Ed.


I understand a nickname of Dick . . . but why Ed?
 
2013-05-18 03:44:49 AM
Crap... I work for myself and there's always something else that needs doing.

So, Fark it all.
 
2013-05-18 03:50:41 AM
I called in to my current gig once as 'might get sick'

As in: "I went on a trip this weekend with a bunch of friends and all of them came down with norovisrus. So I'm going to work from home till Wednesday just in case I get it"
 
2013-05-18 03:56:16 AM
I worked management for a place for 8 years and I swear to god some of the employees grandmothers must have died 3-4 times.. And you can't call them out on it.. It's the worst and best excuse...
 
2013-05-18 04:01:08 AM

GGracie: I had a female employee that once tried to get out of work by telling me she was cramping and having a "chunky flow" day.  It was an excuse that apparently worked very well on her previous male supervisors.  I told her to take some Midol and get her ass to work.  Don't try that shiat with another woman, especially when she's your boss.  Her work attendance improved dramatically while I was there :-)


Her attendance improved, but her production (whatever that might have been) suffered. Way to enforce the Rules though.

Come on then, let's have it. Every day you're late and every day another crazy excuse. What is it this time? Lego avalanche trapped you, did it? Your pajamas turned into nitrogen and you got stuck on the ceiling of your bedroom? Giant kingfisher came into your room and pecked you under the duvet? Got your jodphurs caught on a magic hedgehog? I write them down, you know. What is it? A scarecrow took you to Paris?
 
2013-05-18 04:02:24 AM

Evil High Priest: GGracie: I had a female employee that once tried to get out of work by telling me she was cramping and having a "chunky flow" day.  It was an excuse that apparently worked very well on her previous male supervisors.  I told her to take some Midol and get her ass to work.  Don't try that shiat with another woman, especially when she's your boss.  Her work attendance improved dramatically while I was there :-)

Her attendance improved, but her production (whatever that might have been) suffered. Way to enforce the Rules though.

Come on then, let's have it. Every day you're late and every day another crazy excuse. What is it this time? Lego avalanche trapped you, did it? Your pajamas turned into nitrogen and you got stuck on the ceiling of your bedroom? Giant kingfisher came into your room and pecked you under the duvet? Got your jodphurs caught on a magic hedgehog? I write them down, you know. What is it? A scarecrow took you to Paris?


There was a dwarf on the subway and it creeped her out! And last week her pet ocelot was sick.
 
2013-05-18 04:06:16 AM
You could always say you were brutally assaulted by a pack of girl scouts for not buying their cookies.
 
2013-05-18 04:07:59 AM
My journeyman rarely calls in even when she really should, a coupla months ago she came in dragging ass but insisting she was ok. Not trusting her with anything sharper than a shop towel in her condition I had her do a french polish on a mandolin, I came back to check how she was only to find her head down and drooling, unfortunately she was resting said head on the mandolin, the one she had been laying down layers of shellac on, which had since dried to her hair and cheek.  Her expression when she woke to find a mandolin stuck to the side of her face was well worth the work I had to do stripping back the damaged shellac......

/No point to this story, other than calling in is usually better than trying to tough it out and end up causing more work, even if your screw up entertains the boss
 
2013-05-18 04:08:49 AM

Asphyxium: You could always say you were brutally assaulted by a pack of girl scouts for not buying their cookies.


Still better than eating a girl scout cookie. Those things are foul, almost always stale, and way overpriced.
 
2013-05-18 04:11:44 AM
"Boss, I'm gonna be late today"
"Why's that?"
"I hit the 7-11 last night and picked up a burrito on the way home."
...
"Yeah, I got halfway through it when I started tasting nasty"
"7-11 burritos are always nasty"
"I looked down at it and it was moldy, I been on the can all night, but I should be able to make it in once the Immodium kicks in"
"Dude, stay the fark home!"
"Thanks boss."
 
2013-05-18 04:11:59 AM
/csb

I was working for the park service here once. I had a park radio in my home for emergencies. Occasionally we would use it for quick conversations since there was no cell coverage. One day my boss asked me over the radio to come cover for another employee that couldn't make it. My response over the radio was "I'm not wearing any pants and can't find any.". Right after the head of the park comes on the radio and politely reminds us that the media, and many provincial and federal politicians were currently listening in to the chatter since there was a meeting going on in our park. For the next couple years it seemed whenever I had an important presentation to do, there was always someone in the audience that was listening into my no pants radio talk that day. Kinda embarrassing to be known as sumojeb the guy who has no pants! At least I got out of working that day.
 
2013-05-18 04:12:42 AM

ladyfortuna: GGracie: I had a female employee that once tried to get out of work by telling me she was cramping and having a "chunky flow" day.  It was an excuse that apparently worked very well on her previous male supervisors.  I told her to take some Midol and get her ass to work.  Don't try that shiat with another woman, especially when she's your boss.  Her work attendance improved dramatically while I was there :-)

I used to sometimes get nauseous and have pain so bad I couldn't stand unless I took ibuprofen, and even then I was tired and had pain. Usually still went to work out of financial need though, even if I spent all the slow periods sitting. It was easier to deal with it in my early twenties.

However when I get the rare migraine, there is no 'toughing it out'. There is only lying down, covering the eyes, and praying not to vomit, no matter how filthy the concrete floor in the bathroom at the car parts store is. In the past I was lucky enough to get a ride from a coworker one time, but the car parts place was the only time I've ever called Lordfortuna at work and said 'for the love of god, please come get me so I can pass out at home'...


Yeah, I get THOSE migraines. I've been lucky enough mostly to have understanding bosses that when I call in and say "I've got a migraine, I can't make it," they understand...but once or twice, I've had the dick boss from hell who was not so kind. Usually, going to work with sunglasses and having to go to the bathroom every 20 minutes is enough.

Then there was the job I had where I was in the ER and unable to call in in the morning (this was in the Olden Days, before cell phones), and when I did manage to call, it was late and I had to leave a message. The next day: "Why didn't you call?!" (I told you, I was in the emergency room) "Well, you should have called?!" (I did, as soon as they moved me upstairs to a room) "You should have waited till you could talk to us in person, and not just left a message!!" (That doesn't even make sense) "Well, you're fired anyway." (I'm fired because I was in the ER?) "No, you're fired because you didn't bother to call us!!" (Oh, nevermind.)
 
2013-05-18 04:15:24 AM
The two best I ever received were:
"I'm knee deep in pussy, probably ain't gonna be there."
For a three hour shift anyway I figure it was honest and quite frankly it was amazing considering his normal life.

And from a different guy...

"I know you aren't gonna believe this but I broke my dick."
He did break his dick.  He said it snapped like a Slim Jim and later showed me a picture of his horrifyingly swollen and discolored junk. And that children is how I learnt about penile fracturing.
 
2013-05-18 04:16:49 AM
work ain't life brosef
 
2013-05-18 04:21:43 AM

styckx: I worked management for a place for 8 years and I swear to god some of the employees grandmothers must have died 3-4 times.. And you can't call them out on it.. It's the worst and best excuse...


I take a personal day every now and then, we all do it and why the hell not? You think if you don't miss a day in 10 years of working somewhere that you are any less expendable? Being a good worker these days doesn't mean shiat.


Anyway, I usually go with I can't make it in. they don't usually ask why but if they did I would say am currently puking my guts out due to food poisoning. As long as it doesn't become a habit it's no big deal.
 
2013-05-18 04:25:04 AM

HotWingAgenda: steerforth: He was subsequently nicknamed Ed.

I understand a nickname of Dick . . . but why Ed?


Ed Rooney, Mr Peterson.
 
2013-05-18 04:29:29 AM
Whenever a coworker calls in sick we put them on the speaker and tell them they have to cough for us. Even if it's a death in the family or something.
 
2013-05-18 04:32:35 AM
The average person has skived off  work on four occasions in their life to date.

One employee rang their manager to say they wouldn't be in work that day as they were in A&E with a peg stuck on their tongue
 
2013-05-18 04:42:24 AM

MurphyMurphy: *ring ring*
"Hello?"
"Hey boss, I'm not going to make it in today, sorry."


This is what I do, and have never had a problem. but then again I don't abuse it and usually have left over sick days at the end of the year
 
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