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(Slate)   Dear Prudence: My husband caught me cheating and now he wants an open marriage   (slate.com) divider line 256
    More: Dumbass, Prudi, open marriages, Emily Yoffe, monogamous relationship, biological father, advice columnist  
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21842 clicks; posted to Main » on 15 May 2013 at 9:34 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-05-15 02:57:54 AM
... Fair's fair?
 
2013-05-15 03:03:26 AM
i just CHEATED on my Prove It! test
 
2013-05-15 05:29:26 AM
few months ago, my husband uncovered an affair I was having with an old flame [...] it makes me ill to think about him being with another woman.

A bowl of dicks: eat it.
 
2013-05-15 06:41:56 AM

Relatively Obscure: few months ago, my husband uncovered an affair I was having with an old flame [...] it makes me ill to think about him being with another woman.

A bowl of dicks: eat it.


Sounds like she's already got a start on that.
 
2013-05-15 09:25:13 AM
I've tried to tell him that I've gotten that out of my system and I don't want to be with anybody other than him

Ohhhh, goood for you!
 
2013-05-15 09:37:56 AM
As my grandmother always said, "what's good for the goose, is good for the goose's ass!"

My grandmother was frequently drunk...
 
2013-05-15 09:38:15 AM
Not sure why I read that, but I gotta agree with the response.
 
2013-05-15 09:40:02 AM
Meh, just another lying whore who now wants to avoid all the consequences of her actions. She must be a Christian.
 
2013-05-15 09:40:42 AM
Dear Prudence: Why are your fake letters less interesting this time?
 
2013-05-15 09:41:10 AM
She should be thankful he didn't kick her to the curb and just shut her pie hole.
 
2013-05-15 09:41:17 AM
A cheater never stops cheating.
 
2013-05-15 09:41:46 AM
I think it was not only a good response, but indicative of the shifting attitudes toward marriage and monogamy in our culture.
 
2013-05-15 09:42:40 AM

REO-Weedwagon: A cheater never stops cheating.


Yup, the itch will come again.  Once a cheater, always a cheater.
 
2013-05-15 09:43:31 AM
Put him in a chastity cage and make him a cuckold.
 
2013-05-15 09:43:35 AM
Don't put this passed your lady, gentlemen.
 
2013-05-15 09:44:12 AM
Cheaters should be forced to marry the person with whom they had the affair.  Imagine the level of trust they could have.
 
2013-05-15 09:44:24 AM
But he wants doesn't have the courtesy to lie about it to me, like I lied to him! How can he not understand how different the two situations are!
 
2013-05-15 09:45:15 AM
Slaves2Darkness: Meh, just another lying whore who now wants to avoid all the consequences of her actions. She must be a Christian. Democrat/Republican.
/ftfy and went both ways.
 
2013-05-15 09:45:15 AM
As in most things, the secret is to not get caught.
 
2013-05-15 09:45:36 AM
I can see people having an open marriage if they both went into it from the start, wanting it that way.  But this guy seems to be saying, OK I want to get even, and be able to get some strange on the side, even though this was not what I originally wanted.  He should just divorce her.  From my very limited experience, if someone is a cheater, then they're a cheater.  The odds are that she will do it again, if she hasn't started already.  If she hasn't had one or more other affairs ongoing that he hasn't found out about yet.
 
2013-05-15 09:45:51 AM

Slaves2Darkness: Meh, just another lying whore who now wants to avoid all the consequences of her actions. She must be a Christian Catholic./ human / horny??  amirite?

 
2013-05-15 09:46:02 AM

Slaves2Darkness: Meh, just another lying whore who now wants to avoid all the consequences of her actions. She must be a Christian.


Yes, because no Jew, Muslim, Buddhist, atheist, etc... has ever acted this way at all.
 
2013-05-15 09:46:39 AM

ChipNASA: Slaves2Darkness: Meh, just another lying whore who now wants to avoid all the consequences of her actions. She must be a Christian. Democrat/Republican.
/ftfy and went both ways.


Whoa, now.  She's a Democrat.

A Republican would be taking it in an airport bathroom stall.
 
2013-05-15 09:46:41 AM
No he doesn't.  He wants to hurt you before he dumps you.  Regardless of how "justified" he may feel they should end the marriage because it's already over.

Above all else marriage is based on the idea that your partner is the one person on this rotten planet that will always be on your side. Once one party betrays the other it's done.

/I'm not attacking open marriages.  If that's your bag good for you.  Just so long as both partners are on board.  With the understanding that your partner's feelings come first and foremost.
//It's really not hard to have a happy marriage.  You just can't be a selfish prick.
 
2013-05-15 09:46:59 AM
FTA: "I've tried to tell him that I've gotten that out of my system and I don't want to be with anybody other than him."

Well, you say that now, whilst steeped in regret and shame and what not. But what happens a few years down the road when you start craving some strange dick again? Hmmm?

Good answer from the Prudence. Seems to me that if everyone's on board with it you can do the open thing now and then and get that craving satisfied without sacrificing the marriage. The key is to be open, honest, and make it safe for the other partner to express his or her desires without fear of punishment or rejection. Doesn't mean you have to grant all those desires, but it's a starting point for negotiating how to get each party's needs met. The fact is, he'll never be able to trust her again in the traditional setup they had, so if she's up front about it going forward, he knows where he stands. And if they both have permission to say, "Hey, I met this person I really want to fark", they can work out conditions that are mutually agreeable and get that fark on.

Or divorce.
 
2013-05-15 09:48:11 AM
There's nothing I enjoy more than making a very conservative married woman cheat.
 
2013-05-15 09:48:48 AM
Mom?
 
2013-05-15 09:49:17 AM

Kibbler: I can see people having an open marriage if they both went into it from the start, wanting it that way.  But this guy seems to be saying, OK I want to get even, and be able to get some strange on the side, even though this was not what I originally wanted.  He should just divorce her.  From my very limited experience, if someone is a cheater, then they're a cheater.  The odds are that she will do it again, if she hasn't started already.  If she hasn't had one or more other affairs ongoing that he hasn't found out about yet.


I tend to agree.  Cheating isn't the action, cheating is what happened in her head that made it okay for her to ignore the established rules of their relationship and go behind his back.  Him trying to change the rules isn't the same thing at all.  They need to renegotiate the terms of their relationship, and if they can't come to terms, they need to end it.  Polygamy or monogamy is just the terms of the contract.  Cheating is about breaking the contract.
 
2013-05-15 09:49:19 AM

argylez: There's nothing I enjoy more than making a very conservative married woman cheat.


Oh, now that IS very hot. Yes, thank you.
 
2013-05-15 09:49:27 AM
I liked the response.  The guy should just leave her though...she's a head case.
 
2013-05-15 09:49:57 AM

AngryJailhouseFistfark: FTA: "I've tried to tell him that I've gotten that out of my system and I don't want to be with anybody other than him."

Well, you say that now, whilst steeped in regret and shame and what not. But what happens a few years down the road when you start craving some strange dick again? Hmmm?

Good answer from the Prudence. Seems to me that if everyone's on board with it you can do the open thing now and then and get that craving satisfied without sacrificing the marriage. The key is to be open, honest, and make it safe for the other partner to express his or her desires without fear of punishment or rejection. Doesn't mean you have to grant all those desires, but it's a starting point for negotiating how to get each party's needs met. The fact is, he'll never be able to trust her again in the traditional setup they had, so if she's up front about it going forward, he knows where he stands. And if they both have permission to say, "Hey, I met this person I really want to fark", they can work out conditions that are mutually agreeable and get that fark on.

Or divorce.


The problem comes in when she parades a whole line of men through the bedroom.  It is generally easier for a woman to go out and get some strange, so he may become very sad about this open marriage.
 
2013-05-15 09:50:38 AM

Molavian: ChipNASA: Slaves2Darkness: Meh, just another lying whore who now wants to avoid all the consequences of her actions. She must be a Christian. Democrat/Republican.
/ftfy and went both ways.

Whoa, now.  She's a Democrat.

A Republican would be taking it in an airport bathroom stall.


The Democrat would have him dressed up in womens clothes and used a strap-on on him!
 
2013-05-15 09:51:48 AM
Fark that coont. Divorce her, take the kids and make her pay butt-loads or child support and sue for spousal support while your at it. That's what she would have done to you had the roles been reversed.
 
2013-05-15 09:51:58 AM

argylez: There's nothing I enjoy more than making a very conservative married woman cheat.


Rape?
 
2013-05-15 09:51:58 AM
Got it out of her system?  Sounds like she got it in her system, ifyaknowwhatImean.

/penis sperm
 
2013-05-15 09:52:45 AM

EvilEgg: The problem comes in when she parades a whole line of men through the bedroom. It is generally easier for a woman to go out and get some strange, so he may become very sad about this open marriage.


No, the problem is she's blaming hormones and feelings for her choice in getting her needs met outside of the established rules of the relationship she's in, and acting like because she's not having those feelings currently, that she's "dealt" with them.  There's no honesty in her motivations, so she can't possibly trust her husbands motivations, so they can't possibly trust each other.
 
2013-05-15 09:52:50 AM
Why would she even want things to go back as they were before?  She has completely emasculated her husband, if he let things go back completely to normal why would she want to be with a pussy that would let her get away with that sort of shiat? She'd never respect him as a man and the marriage would end anyway.
 
2013-05-15 09:53:40 AM
I understand what the husband's saying though- basically he knows she'll cheat again, so he wants to have no fidelity ties to her.

IOW, he's falling prey to the common mindset that it'll be better for the children if the parents who hate each other stay together.  That is almost never the case.  Just get the divorce.

The only thing he's right about is she will cheat again.
 
2013-05-15 09:55:33 AM

Kibbler: But this guy seems to be saying, OK I want to get even, and be able to get some strange on the side, even though this was not what I originally wanted.


This often isn't the motivation. Finding out your spouse has cheated is a massive blow to the ego. Sometimes people want to rebuild that self-esteem, and yes, cheating  and NRE (New Relationship Energy) from a different person can inflate the ego. But obviously, it has its own consequences.
 
2013-05-15 09:56:15 AM
s1ugg0:
//It's really not hard to have a happy marriage.  You just can't be a selfish prick.

Nor can you be married to one.  Otherwise, good advice.
 
2013-05-15 09:56:51 AM
He doesn't trust her (rightly so)... they should just get a divorce.
/This is the traditional marriage everyone keeps saying teh gays will destroy?
 
2013-05-15 09:56:55 AM

Relatively Obscure: few months ago, my husband uncovered an affair I was having with an old flame [...] it makes me ill to think about him being with another woman.

A bowl of dicks: eat it.


Pretty much this...

MrBallou: Sounds like she's already got a start on that.


and that.  I mean, she opened the door; now she can't say crap unless she wants to divorce him.
 
2013-05-15 10:00:36 AM

REO-Weedwagon: A cheater never stops cheating.


Exhibit A - Captain James Tiberius Kirk.  Farker is always "changing the conditions" of the test.  Claims some kind of justification based on his Zen belief that there is no such thing as  "no win" situation.  He's simply a cheater.
 
2013-05-15 10:01:13 AM

AngryJailhouseFistfark: argylez: There's nothing I enjoy more than making a very conservative married woman cheat.

Oh, now that IS very hot. Yes, thank you.


That~!  There's something hot about someone who acts very conservative but is actually raging sexhound who can't have enough sex to fulfill them.  Even better when you actually find out about that and they want you to pork them like a pr0nstar.
 
gja [TotalFark]
2013-05-15 10:01:41 AM

MrBallou: Relatively Obscure: few months ago, my husband uncovered an affair I was having with an old flame [...] it makes me ill to think about him being with another woman.

A bowl of dicks: eat it.

Sounds like she's already got a start on that.


+1, nicely played
 
2013-05-15 10:02:08 AM

HotWingConspiracy: Don't put this passed

pastyour lady, gentlemen.

/pet pieve
 
2013-05-15 10:03:32 AM

I_C_Weener: REO-Weedwagon: A cheater never stops cheating.

Exhibit A - Captain James Tiberius Kirk.  Farker is always "changing the conditions" of the test.  Claims some kind of justification based on his Zen belief that there is no such thing as  "no win" situation.  He's simply a cheater.


Uh, Kirk never got married IIRC.  So, he could play the field all he liked.

/Granted, that field was the known cosmos
//And he probably did every attractive humanoid female he encountered
 
2013-05-15 10:04:25 AM
 I've tried to tell him that I've gotten that out of my system and I don't want to be with anybody other than him

Well, at least she volunteered that she had an affair, unless I missed something...

A few months ago, my husband uncovered an affair I was having with an old flame.

Oh, I see.

How can I convince him that we need to be completely committed to each other in order for this to work?

It would be a lot easier if you hadn't farked your ex.

It's the reverse of Chris Rock's advice telling men not to cheat: If you do, you just gave her a "Get Some Dick Free" card - and you never know when she's gonna cash it in.
 
2013-05-15 10:05:49 AM
Gee, some of you seem really bored now that the election is behind us.
 
2013-05-15 10:07:47 AM
He's basically saying : "Hey, we agreed to monogomy, and you couldn't hold up your end. I'd divorce you straight-up, but since we're stuck together for the sake of the kids, we should try to find something that works. You made me feel like a complete idiot by cheating on me, and if you do it again after we ostensibly agree to monogomy (again!) I'm going to feel like a complete chump. I'd rather not be made into a total fool (again), so let's just be honest about what's-really-going-happen-anyway. We made a deal and you broke it, so now I'm offering you a new deal. If you can't accept that, andyou want a divorce, then that's your call."

Am I the only one who's completely on board with the guy here?
 
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