If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Cracked)   Congratulations on your newborn baby, how here are some five terrifying facts nobody has told you about them   (cracked.com) divider line 24
    More: Interesting, REM sleep  
•       •       •

1875 clicks; posted to FarkUs » on 13 May 2013 at 11:57 AM (49 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



24 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

Archived thread
 
2013-05-13 10:55:34 AM
Cleaning shiat out of a pussy, no one prepares you as a Father to do that shiat.
 
2013-05-13 11:02:57 AM
Nobdy? I can haz spellcheck
 
2013-05-13 11:04:41 AM

IdBeCrazyIf: Cleaning shiat out of a pussy, no one prepares you as a Father to do that shiat.


Seriously.  With three kids under 6 years of age, none of the things in the article are remotely terrifying to me, and honestly should just be filed under the "surprising" tab.  Well, the infant period is pretty troubling, but nothing prepares you for having to clean dookie out of baby vulvas.  As a matter of fact, the abuse that little girls put their parts through for sh*ts and giggles is pretty appalling.  On the same topic, in-utero meconium makes for a troubling birthing process with attending skin/hair/eye discoloration for a while.

I'm surprised that they didn't include a description of vernix, a thicker-than-Eucerin material that babies have on their skin in utero and sometimes at birth.  Although since most American babies are born in hospitals they get all that world's-best-moisturizer wiped off immediately.  A shame.

The fontanelles, aka "soft spots," are not the vulnerable areas that were described to me as a child or to this writer.  They're as tough as cartilage, so any contact appropriate for, you know, a BABY is appropriate for a fontanelle.
 
2013-05-13 11:31:42 AM
We dealt with #1 with my first born.  Blood in the baby diaper freaked my wife out, and she wanted to rush to the ER.  I talked her into calling the on-call doctor at our peditrican's office which calmed her down.
 
2013-05-13 11:35:23 AM
Smear the baby in ppeanut butter everyday for the first two years?

Please say it tells you to smear the baby in peanut butter....
 
2013-05-13 12:31:26 PM
The biggest thing I learned is not to overreact.  I was TERRIFIED of holding my daughter, thinking I'd somehow hurt her.  I tried to keep the temperature and humidity just right.  Then I realized:

1.  They are robust.  Try not to drop them, but otherwise don't concern yourself too much.
and 2.  If you are comfortable, they are comfortable.  They don't need to live in a bubble.
 
2013-05-13 12:37:21 PM

factoryconnection: IdBeCrazyIf: Cleaning shiat out of a pussy, no one prepares you as a Father to do that shiat.

Seriously.  With three kids under 6 years of age, none of the things in the article are remotely terrifying to me, and honestly should just be filed under the "surprising" tab.  Well, the infant period is pretty troubling, but nothing prepares you for having to clean dookie out of baby vulvas.  As a matter of fact, the abuse that little girls put their parts through for sh*ts and giggles is pretty appalling.  On the same topic, in-utero meconium makes for a troubling birthing process with attending skin/hair/eye discoloration for a while.

I'm surprised that they didn't include a description of vernix, a thicker-than-Eucerin material that babies have on their skin in utero and sometimes at birth.  Although since most American babies are born in hospitals they get all that world's-best-moisturizer wiped off immediately.  A shame.

The fontanelles, aka "soft spots," are not the vulnerable areas that were described to me as a child or to this writer.  They're as tough as cartilage, so any contact appropriate for, you know, a BABY is appropriate for a fontanelle.


Seconded.

nekom: The biggest thing I learned is not to overreact.  I was TERRIFIED of holding my daughter, thinking I'd somehow hurt her.  I tried to keep the temperature and humidity just right.  Then I realized:

1.  They are robust.  Try not to drop them, but otherwise don't concern yourself too much.
and 2.  If you are comfortable, they are comfortable.  They don't need to live in a bubble.


Couldn't agree more.
 
2013-05-13 12:56:01 PM
*runs away screaming in terror*
 
2013-05-13 01:24:31 PM
IdBeCrazyIf:

Cleaning shiat out of a pussy, no one prepares you as a Father to do that shiat.

Seriously. With three kids under 6 years of age, none of the things in the article are remotely terrifying to me, and honestly should just be filed under the "surprising" tab. Well, the infant period is pretty troubling, but nothing prepares you for having to clean dookie out of baby vulvas. As a matter of fact, the abuse that little girls put their parts through for sh*ts and giggles is pretty appalling.


Pervert!

Just remember, that innocent act of hygiene today could get you classified as a Child Molester!

I have a younger sister and brother and I was about 5 when the first popped out. I recall my Mom and Dad raising them, getting up at all hours of the day and night, the incessant cries, the huge basket of cloth diapers, surprisingly unexpected spit-ups and the incredible mess made in the high chair during meals.

The family dog loved that part.

Then the trips to the doctor, sometimes frantic ones and sometimes routine.

Watching my bleary-eyed parents shamble around zombie-like during the first years convinced me never to have kids. Luckily, I lived in a rural area, so when the shiat hit the fan, I slipped out into the peaceful forest and buried myself in Palmetto thickets.

I considered it less nerve wracking to poke a nest of snakes with a stick than stay in the house with a screaming kid.

My Mom was forever washing and bleaching the cloth diapers of the time and filling the cloths line with them. I personally figured they should have been burnt in a fire or dumped in a deep hole and covered with cement.

Of course, I never expected disposable diapers to show up, which folks would then leave used ones in puddles in parking lots on hot summer days after a brief rain storm, to simmer for awhile in the heat, get squashed by car tires and add an indescribable 'perfume' to the humid atmosphere.

No. I never had kids and I don't regret it.
 
ZAZ [TotalFark]
2013-05-13 04:56:02 PM
Plus, remember that newborns do nothing but sleep, eat, poop, and cry, but mostly sleep.

A friend with a six month old didn't mention these, but thought her baby was made entirely of drool.
 
2013-05-13 05:21:43 PM
I never thought spending two summers on a DPW road crew picking up week-old dead animals would prepare me for anything...but when confronted with nasty diapers and vomit-smeared walls I dealt with them like a boss.

I also was able to clean up after my baby daughter without too many problems.
 
2013-05-13 05:47:22 PM
Well I'll be damned..  I actually learned something interesting.
 
2013-05-13 10:24:23 PM
3 daughters, and the poop in the vagina was the most, and probably only, real unsettling thing about them. Didn't have any of the problems mentioned in the article though.

Little girls are tougher than I ever imagined though.
 
2013-05-14 03:44:30 AM
Is it true they have weird poop at first? What's that about?
 
2013-05-14 05:55:39 AM
6.  There is no legitimate reason to amputate healthy tissue from your infant male's genitals.
 
2013-05-14 07:02:00 AM

Now That's What I Call a Taco!: Is it true they have weird poop at first? What's that about?


Meconium. Not that weird compared to the splodeypoo you'll get at some point down the road.
 
2013-05-14 09:30:51 AM
Great timing!  I'm a new dad as of yesterday at 11:56 :)
 
2013-05-14 10:03:58 AM

SmellsLikePoo: Great timing!  I'm a new dad as of yesterday at 11:56 :)


Congrats man.
 
2013-05-14 10:47:09 AM

Radak: 6.  There is no legitimate reason to amputate healthy tissue from your infant male's genitals.


I agree.

And now, this is a circumcision flame war thread, WTG!
 
2013-05-14 11:21:55 AM

SecretAgentWoman: Radak: 6.  There is no legitimate reason to amputate healthy tissue from your infant male's genitals.

I agree.

And now, this is a circumcision flame war thread, WTG!


Hey, I wouldn't call a small but scientifically significant reduction in lifetime illness illegitimate...
 
2013-05-14 12:48:25 PM
(1) They are born completely amoral and egocentric.  Babies are monsters.
 
2013-05-14 01:39:17 PM

kdawg7736: SmellsLikePoo: Great timing!  I'm a new dad as of yesterday at 11:56 :)

Congrats man.


Thanks

:-) I'm in for a lifetime of surprises for sure. Perfect little girl that will have me wrapped around her little finger in no time.
 
2013-05-14 07:24:58 PM

SmellsLikePoo: Great timing!  I'm a new dad as of yesterday at 11:56 :)


sincere congrats. best of health to all, bless you all.

/ Don't kick the baby
 
2013-05-14 10:56:53 PM

Radak: 6.  There is no legitimate reason to amputate healthy tissue from your infant male's genitals.


Foreskin (and its associated rancid fluffernutter) is gross. I've never met a girl that didn't appreciate a snip job.
 
Displayed 24 of 24 comments

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


This thread is closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »






Report