Do you have adblock enabled?
 
If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Fox News)   Four reasons you're not having sex. Strangely absent: You're a Farker   (magazine.foxnews.com ) divider line
    More: Obvious  
•       •       •

16591 clicks; posted to Main » on 11 May 2013 at 6:13 PM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-05-11 01:57:13 PM  
9 votes:
I've run out of chloroform?
2013-05-11 06:35:44 PM  
6 votes:
I was hoping this was a link to an Onion statshot.

"Why aren't we having sex?"

24% - gained protection from prison gang
17% - don't want to ruin bed sheets by tearing hole in them
41% - recently saw picture of Rush Limbaugh
18 % - exhausted after long commute to mistress's place
2013-05-11 06:19:22 PM  
5 votes:
You're married.
2013-05-11 06:45:23 PM  
4 votes:

HotWingAgenda: If you have a partner, there is no excuse to not be having some manner of hanky panky with them.  That is a slap in the face to the millions of single people in the world.

/unless you are fat and/or ugly, in which case feel free to be a monk


I would but my Wisdom and Dexterity are both pretty low.  I'd have a lousy AC.
2013-05-11 06:20:11 PM  
4 votes:
Since it's from Fox, I presume the reasons are Obama, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and brown people in general.
2013-05-11 11:39:26 PM  
3 votes:

mainstreet62: I've gotten laid twice since Friday night, and a third time probably in the next hour or so.

Suck it, biatches!


Your poor mom. She must be exhausted.
2013-05-11 10:31:37 PM  
3 votes:
i.imgur.com
2013-05-11 06:44:17 PM  
3 votes:

Dave and the Mission: How about middle aged, married, bass-player, AND a bad haircut?

/gets it regularly


Why would you get a bad haircut regularly?
2013-05-11 06:18:10 PM  
3 votes:
Carpal Tunnel Syndrome?
2013-05-11 09:06:10 PM  
2 votes:
Ah, look at all the bass players come out of the woodwork!

Not strong enough rhythmically to hold the band together, and yet lacking the sense of melody to play a lead instrument.

Don't get mad, oh man, where are you going?

Never mind, we got you covered with a pitch-shifted track or the keyboard player's left hand...
2013-05-11 07:38:28 PM  
2 votes:

teeny: mr teeny works out of town during the week and stays with his parents to avoid the 2 hour commute.  There is no sex during the week until we finish out our lease and move the family closer to his work.

The weekends, however, are suddenly as fun as hell because we get to make up for lost time. The kids think they've hit the jackpot because we're satisfied with them accomplishing only the most essential chores and then they're free to play outside all. day. long.


So your free during the week then?
2013-05-11 06:58:04 PM  
2 votes:
mr teeny works out of town during the week and stays with his parents to avoid the 2 hour commute.  There is no sex during the week until we finish out our lease and move the family closer to his work.

The weekends, however, are suddenly as fun as hell because we get to make up for lost time. The kids think they've hit the jackpot because we're satisfied with them accomplishing only the most essential chores and then they're free to play outside all. day. long.
2013-05-11 06:54:52 PM  
2 votes:

MattyBlast: I don't get any because I'm not in a relationship.

/match.com member
//eHarmony member
///constantly rejected
////not bad looking, so I'm at a loss as to why
///wish I were dead


You aren't bad looking at all. A bit above average, probably. But do you dominate dat pussy? You gotta dominate dat pussy. When you walk up in yo house, do you be like, "Oh, hi Mr. Egg, how would you like to get scrambled up on the griddle sometime?" Hell no! You just grab that mothafarkin egg like it aint nothin and you crack it upside the bowl and scramble that shiat like a mothafarkin boss. You gotta do that same shiat with the pussy, mang.
2013-05-11 06:39:36 PM  
2 votes:
It's because of gay marriage, obviously.
2013-05-11 02:24:26 PM  
2 votes:
Dr. Seth Meyers for eHarmony.com


www2.pictures.gi.zimbio.com
2013-05-11 02:14:47 PM  
2 votes:
I'm pretty sure it is because I am not at all attractive after the second date when the women realize the sarcasm and goofiness is great on a first date, but completely awful to wake up to Sunday morning.
2013-05-11 01:59:16 PM  
2 votes:
Sex by yourself is still sex, right? Right?
2013-05-11 11:43:50 PM  
1 vote:

mainstreet62: WhippingBoy: mainstreet62: I've gotten laid twice since Friday night, and a third time probably in the next hour or so.

Suck it, biatches!

Your poor mom. She must be exhausted.

Such dynamic prose! Good one!


That's what SHE said!

/homemade bourbon is a harsh mistress
2013-05-11 11:36:54 PM  
1 vote:

MBA Whore: How can a man approach a random woman in an everyday setting without being creepy?  For example, pretend I was just grocery shopping and saw a random hottie.  She had no ring.  Is there even a way to approach someone in such a random situation?


It's pretty simple, really:

1. Be good looking
2. Be attractive
3. Don't be unattractive
2013-05-11 11:18:24 PM  
1 vote:

Smeggy Smurf: Charlie Chingas: sotua: Bass player, married for ten years.

The reason I'm not getting as much as I'd like? Exhaustion, and a two year old baby who's the biggest cockblock in town.

/still, got properly laid on Friday morning. It's amazing how good sex when you aren't both on the brink of falling asleep like we've been doing for the past year or so.

Ah, babies. Nature's cockblockers.

That's what makes having teenagers fun.  They're grossed out by the thought of their parents having sex.  It is out duty as parents to traumatize the children as much as possible.


I was standing in line at the supermarket one evening and a group of three teenage girls were being obnoxious.  Typical stuff, comments about people being too old to do anything.  So after listening to them for a while, I turned to them and said, with a straight face, "your parents still have wild monkey sex."  They looked like they were going to puke.  The cashier was trying not to lose it and kept choking on her giggling.
2013-05-11 11:07:42 PM  
1 vote:

TommyDeuce: TheRealAde: MBA Whore: Honest Question:

Any Farkettes (or Farkers) care to answer:

How can a man approach a random woman in an everyday setting without being creepy?  For example, pretend I was just grocery shopping and saw a random hottie.  She had no ring.  Is there even a way to approach someone in such a random situation?

I am not talking about the bar type scene where you might see "regulars".  I am talking about encountering random people whom you may never again have a chance to ask.

Speaking from experience, if you see someone on the street, in the grocery store, wherever and she really catches your attention, give her a sincere compliment and then carry on.
Example: walking down the street, some random guy walking past me paused and told me that I had really stunning eyes. This was quite a while ago but I still remember it clearly and I am certain that if I had been single I would have turned around, caught up with the guy and told him that he just brightened my day and then introduced myself to see where it led - maybe suggest grabbing a cup of coffee if it seemed right. I believe that something as simple as that really can work as long as its sincere, and not something that is used so frequently that it is obviously just a pick up line. And if it doesn't lead anywhere, know that you have very likely made someone's day better.

Dude, dog parks.  If you have a dog, great.  Otherwise just tell people you like dogs, and you're kind of thinking about getting one.  Dog people love to talk about their dog - it's a great opening.

/Course, if you're allergic to dogs, you're screwed


Or hang out at a regular park.  When a hot milf asks you which one is yours, tell you haven't picked one, yet.  They love that kind of thing.
2013-05-11 09:23:51 PM  
1 vote:

TommyDeuce: Trayal: TommyDeuce: How about a Paladin of a Goddess of Fertility?

You know, I've just decided the next character I'm going to roll....  funny coincidence, that

Me too.  Well, I'm probably DMing, so they might be a memorable NPC

/Not a killer DM
//But VERY Evil


Halfling Paladin, in service to Chaunta, Mount is a bad-tempered Billy-Goat, weapons include sickle and pitch-fork.

/Plus he's rather randy (or she)
//But being LG, feels guilty about it a lot
///Holy act of sewing oats?
//Gonna be a long 2 weeks
2013-05-11 09:19:30 PM  
1 vote:

Trayal: TommyDeuce: How about a Paladin of a Goddess of Fertility?

You know, I've just decided the next character I'm going to roll....  funny coincidence, that


Me too.  Well, I'm probably DMing, so they might be a memorable NPC

/Not a killer DM
//But VERY Evil
2013-05-11 09:07:33 PM  
1 vote:

Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: litespeed74: Is shyness a lame excuse?

I'm a normal dude, makes decent money, fit.  Just terrified of women for the most part.

Confidence is really all there is to it. Money, fitness, etc.. all factor in, but unless you approach a woman with confidence, it's probably not getting past small-talk.

I know losers with confidence who get better ass than relatively successful guys with no confidence.


Despite being emotionally crippled inside (majorly), I've somehow managed the art of fake confidence. I often wonder if it borders on obnoxious machismo but even if it does, those are the guys who get laid. You know it. I know it. Alpha males take home the strange.

It can backfire, however, once one of your f*ck buddies accidentally becomes a serious girlfriend. Then she sees you crying in your Cheerios on a random Wednesday morning and wonders where that confident guy went.
2013-05-11 08:27:36 PM  
1 vote:
Listen youngins'..... when you have your first child and you see that vagoo open nice and wide and tear right to the pucker and there's blood all over the damn place.... and she's screaming.... and pushing... and swearing at you for making her like this... and the doctor is yelling.... and there's more blood.... and good lord how can someone live after bleeding so damn much!

Well sex just isn't the same.
2013-05-11 08:04:42 PM  
1 vote:

Trayal: TommyDeuce: I would but my Wisdom and Dexterity are both pretty low. I'd have a lousy AC.

I think i found the problem.

/keed, keed
//sorcerers are better for getting laid, Cha and all that


How about a Paladin of a Goddess of Fertility?
2013-05-11 08:00:51 PM  
1 vote:

TommyDeuce: I would but my Wisdom and Dexterity are both pretty low. I'd have a lousy AC.


I think i found the problem.

/keed, keed
//sorcerers are better for getting laid, Cha and all that
2013-05-11 07:54:20 PM  
1 vote:
Sex advice from Fox News?
Maybe I can learn etiquette from a rapper next.
2013-05-11 07:35:22 PM  
1 vote:

MattyBlast: I don't get any because I'm not in a relationship.

/match.com member
//eHarmony member
///constantly rejected
////not bad looking, so I'm at a loss as to why
///wish I were dead


Accountant

I think I see your problem
2013-05-11 06:59:01 PM  
1 vote:

Saborlas: Since it's from Fox, I presume the reasons are Obama, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and brown people in general.


You forgot Benghazi
2013-05-11 06:55:39 PM  
1 vote:
So, surprise buttsecks is right out?...
2013-05-11 06:55:35 PM  
1 vote:

meanmutton: Saborlas: Since it's from Fox, I presume the reasons are Obama, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and brown people in general.

1) Politics tab is a few over.
2) "Brown people" is a racial slur used by the KKK and anyone else who thinks that certain Caucasians aren't white enough to be "white".  Oddly, the only people I hear use it tend to be people lost on their way to the politics tab.


Exactly. Everyone knows that the proper term is "darkies".
2013-05-11 06:42:17 PM  
1 vote:
I suppose it falls under exhaustion, but how about kiddus interruptus?  It's like the little tyrants sense that mom and dad are getting frisky and blam!  "Mom, I frew up."  "Dad, I had a nightmare."  If we get a night of uninterrupted peace and quiet, we get nervous and go check on them.

Thank God for afternoon delight.
2013-05-11 06:38:38 PM  
1 vote:

Bane of Broone: Opiate of the Lasses: WhippingBoy: You're married.

And we're done here

Never understood this one. I know stereotypes get started for a reason, but I was with my ex-wife for 11 years and had sex usually twice a day until the day I left. Hell, I WISHED the stereotype was true when I was growing up. My folks were farking 3-4 times a week until I moved out so that would put them in their 50s at the time. I bought my first walkman with birthday money for that reason alone, lol.


I don't understand it either. My wife, however, understands it perfectly it would seem.
2013-05-11 06:38:03 PM  
1 vote:
I'm calling bullshiat on all of you bass players claiming you're getting laid. Nobody shags the bass player.
2013-05-11 06:31:21 PM  
1 vote:
My penis is too big?
2013-05-11 06:30:48 PM  
1 vote:
I'm not having sex because I'm in the line to do subby's mom.

img.izismile.com
2013-05-11 06:27:31 PM  
1 vote:

OgreMagi: I can have sex any time I want.  Except I have standards.  No fat women.


I regularly get shot down by a calibre women on internet dating sites who would be all-up-ons if we was at a bar. Its like once they have the anonymity of the internet they become the female equivilent of Studman69
2013-05-11 06:26:27 PM  
1 vote:

Opiate of the Lasses: WhippingBoy: You're married.

And we're done here


Never understood this one. I know stereotypes get started for a reason, but I was with my ex-wife for 11 years and had sex usually twice a day until the day I left. Hell, I WISHED the stereotype was true when I was growing up. My folks were farking 3-4 times a week until I moved out so that would put them in their 50s at the time. I bought my first walkman with birthday money for that reason alone, lol.
2013-05-11 06:24:58 PM  
1 vote:

jayphat: As a married Farker of 10 years who has had sex twice in the last 24 months, resentment and depression (hers not mine) are the two big reasons on that list. That and I'm too damn tired from work and being told "not tonight" all the farking time.


Are you me?
2013-05-11 06:22:43 PM  
1 vote:
How about middle aged, married, bass-player, AND a bad haircut?

/gets it regularly
2013-05-11 06:20:41 PM  
1 vote:

WhippingBoy: You're married.


And we're done here
2013-05-11 06:20:05 PM  
1 vote:

farm2.static.flickr.comNotabunny: Reason #5: You're a middle-aged bass player with a bad haircut. /so lonely

2013-05-11 06:15:15 PM  
1 vote:

Apos: Dr. Seth Meyers for eHarmony.com


[www2.pictures.gi.zimbio.com image 396x594]


I thought that was this guy

img.gawkerassets.com

And maybe they are exhausted from working so hard because the rent is too damn high
 
Displayed 44 of 44 comments

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »
On Twitter








In Other Media
  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.

Report