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(Fox News)   Four reasons you're not having sex. Strangely absent: You're a Farker   (magazine.foxnews.com) divider line 220
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16341 clicks; posted to Main » on 11 May 2013 at 6:13 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-05-11 11:42:56 PM

WhippingBoy: mainstreet62: I've gotten laid twice since Friday night, and a third time probably in the next hour or so.

Suck it, biatches!

Your poor mom. She must be exhausted.


Such dynamic prose! Good one!
 
2013-05-11 11:43:50 PM

mainstreet62: WhippingBoy: mainstreet62: I've gotten laid twice since Friday night, and a third time probably in the next hour or so.

Suck it, biatches!

Your poor mom. She must be exhausted.

Such dynamic prose! Good one!


That's what SHE said!

/homemade bourbon is a harsh mistress
 
2013-05-12 12:48:11 AM

titwrench: I'm calling bullshiat on all of you bass players claiming you're getting laid. Nobody shags the bass player.


Speak for yourself.  I have, frequently, enthusiastically banged the bass player.  Those hands...
 
2013-05-12 01:04:39 AM

fnordfocus: dopekitty74: Being a tax accountant *might* have something to do with that...

Beats tech.

Is there any job that pays a reasonably middle-class wage and doesn't make you too lame to date?

I guess fire fighters and cops?


Hmm...  right now  "Have A Job" is number 1 on my (very short) list of requirements, and there are very few jobs that wouldn't satisfy the "have a job" requirement.
 
2013-05-12 03:28:45 AM

spentmiles: It's probably because your husband is exhausting himself at the local park on his lunch break.  Seriously, I've been a marital counsellor for over a decade.  9 times out of 10, when the sex stops in a relationship, it's because the husband has started getting his shiat packed by the local jean short wearing man stallion.  The other 1 time out of 10, the guy won't admit it.  Closet homosexuality is like the new AIDS of suburbia.  Chances are, if your husband has lost interest in you, he's getting it from a dude behind your back.

Easy test: When he falls asleep, smell his penis and his rectal opening.  If the come and shiat smells have swapped places, go see a divorce lawyer.  He's gay.


Can't "funny" cause I'm mobile, but "funny"x10
 
2013-05-12 03:40:09 AM

MattyBlast: dopekitty74: MattyBlast: I don't get any because I'm not in a relationship.

/match.com member
//eHarmony member
///constantly rejected
////not bad looking, so I'm at a loss as to why
///wish I were dead

Being a tax accountant *might* have something to do with that...

You're the second person to say that. What am I supposed to do, quit my job and become a motorcycle mechanic or something?

I would think that a woman with a brain in her head would consider it a plus that a man is gainfully employed and making decent money.

But what the hell do I know...my dick hasn't gotten wet in years.


Just wanna say that tonight, I went out to a dive bar, met a girl who looked like a chubby Gina Carano (a little heavy but cute face and huge boobs), and ended up taking her back to her place and getting to explore dem tittays and the pussy. And I'm a loser. If I can do it, anyone of you farkers can. I think the key might be approaching a girl and not giving a shiat if it goes well or not.
 
2013-05-12 04:20:21 AM
Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom:

"I think the key might be approaching a girl and not giving a shiat if it goes well or not"

This is true.

There are tons of cues that will tell you if someone is into you or not, and I'm not sure they can be explained. it"s gotta suck if you're autistic or just completely socially inept and unable to pick up on those cues.

As a female, a huge turn-off is guys who are bitter towards women or their ex.

I'm sure rejection isn't easy, but I think it's just one of the things you need to learn to accept and move past, don't take it personally.
 
2013-05-12 04:43:29 AM

WhippingBoy: MBA Whore: How can a man approach a random woman in an everyday setting without being creepy?  For example, pretend I was just grocery shopping and saw a random hottie.  She had no ring.  Is there even a way to approach someone in such a random situation?

It's pretty simple, really:

1. Be good looking
2. Be attractive
3. Don't be unattractive


I like TheRealAde's idea of using the most sincere compliment you can muster, but it doesn't really matter what you say, the hottie you desire will appraise you within seconds, and decide whether she finds you attractive or not. If she finds you unattractive, no matter what you say, you will be considered a creep. If she finds you attractive no matter what you say, she will think it the best comment ever and want to hear more.

Whether or not you are attractive is next to impossible to assess yourself, what is attractive to one woman is not to another.

One thing is certain, if you risk nothing you will never gain anything of importance.
 
2013-05-12 05:12:48 AM
ILoveBurritos:
/maybe I should
//nothing's gonna change


Yes, if you do nothing it's not going to change.  But my ex got treatment that helped a lot.  Didn't cure it but did make it so that we could have sex more often without it being painful for her.  It took a long time for her to break through her denial and actually seek out treatment and finding someone who actually knew something about the condition and was able to do something about it was a big PITA but she was glad that she did.  So it's not hopeless, get on a support group as a first step.
 
2013-05-12 06:16:04 AM

gadian: So a really quiet, shy buddy of mine comes to the dining hall one day in a shirt that had a stitched in name tag that said "Russel".  We were teasing him, eventually calling him Russel the love muscle.  Anyway, these girls sit down near us and my friend really really wanted to get to know one of them.  We wound up collectively paying / daring him over $80 cash for him to go up to her and introduce himself as Russel the Looooove Muscle with pointy gun fingers and everything and to do it loud enough so we could hear.  Long story short, he comes back to the table with her phone number and they go out on a couple of dates.

That's confidence and self-depreciating humor with financial incentive.  If you can't talk to women, try having one of your friends pay you to do so.


I shall call this the gigolo affect.
 
2013-05-12 08:37:21 AM

Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: met a girl who looked like a chubby Gina Carano (a little heavy but cute face and huge boobs),


Had to GIS her. Nice going!
 
2013-05-12 09:03:25 AM
Confidence is key, get it by doing something you've never done before and master it. Even if it's just jerking off with the opposite hand, make it your b*tch. Also realize if a woman's not interested, that's her loss and move on. Sometimes I like to chat before a workout class and the wait can be awkward so I'll spark up a convo with the chick next to me. Maybe I'll ask if she's done the class before or I compliment her shoes. I see it as playing volleyball, I toss the ball and if they don't want to play, I move on. Sometimes to the person right next to them. Laughing is key and showing you're fun. Just last week I had a celebrity hit on me and I blew him off. I didn't like his cocky attitude. Then I go into a cell store and am so turned on by the dorky tech guy. Years ago I was at a bar with a guy friend who was a potential when these guys sat at the table next to us. This blonde kept turning around and handing me shots, when my friend went into the bathroom I asked the guy why are you hitting on me? What if he's my boyfriend? He said, doesn't matter, I know I can take you from him. They were the about the same in looks, but he was right, take me he did. Also guys, here's something I've realized getting older, women in there thirties are super horny, keep a condom in your pocket.
 
2013-05-12 11:00:49 AM

ElizaDoolittle: MattyBlast: I don't get any because I'm not in a relationship.

/match.com member
//eHarmony member
///constantly rejected
////not bad looking, so I'm at a loss as to why
///wish I were dead


Tax accountant from the Southwestern Connecticut area, recently transplanted from the greater Brew City area in Wisconsin. Alumnus bass player for Milwaukee rock band Random Maxx (randommaxx.com). Novice skydiver with Sky Knights Sport Parachute Club ("novice" means I suck, but everyone should have fun doing something they suck at). Otherwise, I'm just an ordinary guy with a job who does stuff.


Finance guy, not at all bad-looking, from WI, still love the PNW but in CT now and appreciating the New England winters.  I play bass for a local band and I like to skydive, but you don't have to like either.  I'd love to meet a Catherine Keener-type woman: smart, sexy, knowing, kick-ass.



Wow. Once again, one example is worth a hundred explanations.
 
2013-05-12 11:03:30 AM

Gulper Eel: sotua: Exhaustion, and a two year old baby who's the biggest cockblock in town.

Wait until you have more than one kid...then the following stars have to align for the bow-chicka-bow to commence:

* both kids asleep
* both kids STAYING asleep
* both parents somehow not exhausted after doing whatever it took to get the kids to be tired enough that they'd stay asleep
* neither parent hacked off at some stupid shiat the other one did
* okay, amend that last one to: wife not hacked off at you because of something you did. Or didn't do. Or something that never happened anywhere outside the confines of her fevered imagination but is still your fault
* cats both asleep and not prowling, begging for food, vomiting on something, standing on you, etc.
* Aunt Flo's not in the house
* neither one of you have let yourself go to the point where you no longer want some of that
* the kids haven't brought home one of those virulent school plagues that lays you out flat for a week


Soooooo true
 
2013-05-12 11:36:37 AM
MattyBlast - my experience has been that date websites are full of shiat. Also, consider this: each real female profile likely receives 50+ emails per day. No one, man or woman, can keep up with that.
 
2013-05-12 11:44:19 AM
Peruvianprincess - Am I correctly reading your post? You went out with one guy who had potential, but you went home with another guy that night from the same bar?
 
2013-05-12 11:51:02 AM

Smeggy Smurf: Charlie Chingas: sotua: Bass player, married for ten years.

The reason I'm not getting as much as I'd like? Exhaustion, and a two year old baby who's the biggest cockblock in town.

/still, got properly laid on Friday morning. It's amazing how good sex when you aren't both on the brink of falling asleep like we've been doing for the past year or so.

Ah, babies. Nature's cockblockers.

That's what makes having teenagers fun.  They're grossed out by the thought of their parents having sex.  It is out duty as parents to traumatize the children as much as possible.


HA! One day the little dickweeds were complaining about us asking them to go to bed early. "But it's Friday!" They kept giving us grief. "We're going to have sex and don't want you bugging us."

They no longer question us...
 
2013-05-12 12:15:22 PM
Honestly, I just don't want to have sex with anyone, let alone my wife. It's too much hassle and I can take care of business myself when I feel the need.

/not sure if depressed or just lazy.
 
2013-05-12 01:18:25 PM

slidillon: Honestly, I just don't want to have sex with anyone, let alone my wife. It's too much hassle and I can take care of business myself when I feel the need.

/not sure if depressed or just lazy.


If sex is a "hassle", you are seriously depressed or doing it really, really wrong.
 
2013-05-12 11:43:53 PM

slidillon: Honestly, I just don't want to have sex with anyone, let alone my wife. It's too much hassle and I can take care of business myself when I feel the need.

/not sure if depressed or just lazy.


You're depressed.  Get help.  Or your wife is mean and fat. But probably you're depressed.
 
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