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(Fox News)   Four reasons you're not having sex. Strangely absent: You're a Farker   (magazine.foxnews.com) divider line 220
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16424 clicks; posted to Main » on 11 May 2013 at 6:13 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-05-11 06:53:56 PM  

Smeggy Smurf: Fatigue has hit the Smurf household.  Mrs. Smurf is now teaching preschool again.  A half dozen toddlers will run anybody ragged.  It's up to me to seduce her better.


Joe's Crab Shack.
 
2013-05-11 06:54:52 PM  

MattyBlast: I don't get any because I'm not in a relationship.

/match.com member
//eHarmony member
///constantly rejected
////not bad looking, so I'm at a loss as to why
///wish I were dead


You aren't bad looking at all. A bit above average, probably. But do you dominate dat pussy? You gotta dominate dat pussy. When you walk up in yo house, do you be like, "Oh, hi Mr. Egg, how would you like to get scrambled up on the griddle sometime?" Hell no! You just grab that mothafarkin egg like it aint nothin and you crack it upside the bowl and scramble that shiat like a mothafarkin boss. You gotta do that same shiat with the pussy, mang.
 
2013-05-11 06:55:34 PM  

titwrench: I'm calling bullshiat on all of you bass players claiming you're getting laid. Nobody shags the bass player.


Huh.  I know a bass player that does pretty well.

/she's my wife
//does that make me a groupie?
 
2013-05-11 06:55:35 PM  

meanmutton: Saborlas: Since it's from Fox, I presume the reasons are Obama, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and brown people in general.

1) Politics tab is a few over.
2) "Brown people" is a racial slur used by the KKK and anyone else who thinks that certain Caucasians aren't white enough to be "white".  Oddly, the only people I hear use it tend to be people lost on their way to the politics tab.


Exactly. Everyone knows that the proper term is "darkies".
 
2013-05-11 06:55:39 PM  
So, surprise buttsecks is right out?...
 
2013-05-11 06:56:43 PM  

Opiate of the Lasses: Bane of Broone: Opiate of the Lasses: WhippingBoy: You're married.

And we're done here

Never understood this one. I know stereotypes get started for a reason, but I was with my ex-wife for 11 years and had sex usually twice a day until the day I left. Hell, I WISHED the stereotype was true when I was growing up. My folks were farking 3-4 times a week until I moved out so that would put them in their 50s at the time. I bought my first walkman with birthday money for that reason alone, lol.

As someone who gets screwed maybe 1/3 as much as 4 years ago (and I'm only engaged, not even married yet), I was going to respond with something bitter. Instead I shall say I'm happy for you, and here's hoping your good fortune continues.


It is and thanks. I was really hoping I didn't come off as bragging or anything. It's just a genuine foreign concept to me. When I'm in a relationship I need sex. I need that form of intimacy. It's as much emotional as it is physical. Maybe that's an insecurity. I don't know, but I will admit that the frequency does make me feel validated. I want to feel desired and I'd much rather be shown than told, lol.
 
2013-05-11 06:56:46 PM  

MattyBlast: I don't get any because I'm not in a relationship.

/match.com member
//eHarmony member
///constantly rejected
////not bad looking, so I'm at a loss as to why
///wish I were dead


From what I understand, most of the match.com profiles are either inactive or straight up fake, and if you're not vocally, devoutly religious, you won't get any matches on eHarmony. They're not as blatant about it as, say, Christian Mingle, but it's a very important factor for them.
 
2013-05-11 06:57:47 PM  

MattyBlast: I don't get any because I'm not in a relationship.

/match.com member
//eHarmony member
///constantly rejected
////not bad looking, so I'm at a loss as to why
///wish I were dead


So you are the guy that my female friends been talking about.
 
2013-05-11 06:57:53 PM  
Psssst, Guys. I'll let you in on a little secret. She's not too tired. She just can't stand you anymore.
 
2013-05-11 06:57:56 PM  

MattyBlast: I don't get any because I'm not in a relationship.

/match.com member
//eHarmony member
///constantly rejected
////not bad looking, so I'm at a loss as to why
///wish I were dead


Ya gotta just be willing to walk up to them and talk. It helps to leave the duct tape and plastic in the car. Save it for later. 

/goofy lookin' farker here. Can pull arse whenever. Don't care what it is except two things:
-if big enough to crack the axle on a pickup truck, no go.
-if already involved in drama, no go.

Other than that it's game on!
 
2013-05-11 06:58:03 PM  
What's considered "regularly" anyway? One's "regularly" could be once a day, or once a year... i.e. "I get my regular check up is annually."

I wish my "regularly" were daily.
 
2013-05-11 06:58:04 PM  
mr teeny works out of town during the week and stays with his parents to avoid the 2 hour commute.  There is no sex during the week until we finish out our lease and move the family closer to his work.

The weekends, however, are suddenly as fun as hell because we get to make up for lost time. The kids think they've hit the jackpot because we're satisfied with them accomplishing only the most essential chores and then they're free to play outside all. day. long.
 
2013-05-11 06:58:58 PM  

rohar: titwrench: I'm calling bullshiat on all of you bass players claiming you're getting laid. Nobody shags the bass player.

Huh.  I know a bass player that does pretty well.

/she's my wife
//does that make me a groupie?


One of the sexiest women I have ever met was an upright bass player in a rockabilly band. She had a hell of a right cross and could drink anyone under the table. She was a redhead too which was nice.
 
2013-05-11 06:59:01 PM  

Saborlas: Since it's from Fox, I presume the reasons are Obama, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and brown people in general.


You forgot Benghazi
 
2013-05-11 06:59:31 PM  
After my last breakup which was 2 years ago, (her and I were together for 5 years) I was so farking depressed until I realized what a horrible coont she was. Love really blinds you and makes you think someone's perfect and no matter what they do it's okay cause it will work itself out. Bullshiat. I flat out do not care if I find another girl or have another relationship. I'm fat (working on that, I've lost 70 lbs since the breakup, but still a fatty mcfatterson), and I'm apathetic to what most people think of me.

/CSB
//any chicks that dig metal and horror and want a teddy bear for a bf?
///just a shot in the dark...........one step away from you
 
2013-05-11 07:00:07 PM  

Charlie Chingas: Smeggy Smurf: Fatigue has hit the Smurf household.  Mrs. Smurf is now teaching preschool again.  A half dozen toddlers will run anybody ragged.  It's up to me to seduce her better.

Joe's Crab Shack.


I want her to be happy, not suffering food poisoning
 
2013-05-11 07:00:17 PM  

teeny: mr teeny works out of town during the week and stays with his parents to avoid the 2 hour commute.  There is no sex during the week until we finish out our lease and move the family closer to his work.

The weekends, however, are suddenly as fun as hell because we get to make up for lost time. The kids think they've hit the jackpot because we're satisfied with them accomplishing only the most essential chores and then they're free to play outside all. day. long.


You let your kids outside unsupervised? Farking irresponsible parents make me sick.
 
2013-05-11 07:01:42 PM  

Arachnophobe: From what I understand, most of the match.com profiles are either inactive or straight up fake, and if you're not vocally, devoutly religious, you won't get any matches on eHarmony. They're not as blatant about it as, say, Christian Mingle, but it's a very important factor for them.


Not my experience.  I'm an atheist and met my atheist husband on eharmony.  There didn't seem to be any overtly religious messaging or finger waggling because I signed up as an atheist either.  My other closest match was a nice Muslim kid.  There were a lot of non-Christian, non-religious sorts in my area.
 
2013-05-11 07:01:49 PM  

jayphat: teeny: mr teeny works out of town during the week and stays with his parents to avoid the 2 hour commute.  There is no sex during the week until we finish out our lease and move the family closer to his work.

The weekends, however, are suddenly as fun as hell because we get to make up for lost time. The kids think they've hit the jackpot because we're satisfied with them accomplishing only the most essential chores and then they're free to play outside all. day. long.

You let your kids outside unsupervised? Farking irresponsible parents make me sick.


CALL CPS!
 
2013-05-11 07:01:56 PM  
I am not because my girlfriend lives in Pennsylvania and I am in Texas. This will be resolved soon.
 
2013-05-11 07:01:58 PM  

titwrench: rohar: titwrench: I'm calling bullshiat on all of you bass players claiming you're getting laid. Nobody shags the bass player.

Huh.  I know a bass player that does pretty well.

/she's my wife
//does that make me a groupie?

One of the sexiest women I have ever met was an upright bass player in a rockabilly band. She had a hell of a right cross and could drink anyone under the table. She was a redhead too which was nice.


shiat, I think I just met one of my wife's ex boyfriends online.  This might affect my sex life...
 
2013-05-11 07:03:05 PM  

Saborlas: Since it's from Fox, I presume the reasons are Obama, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and brown people in general.


I'm pretty much one of the libbiest libs that ever libbed, but regardless of party people who can't turn of their political filters off for two seconds are some of the most annoying people in the world. I can handle seeing a Fox tag on a link and not feel the need to rant about them in a thread that has nothing to do with politics. I feel sorry for you.
 
2013-05-11 07:03:14 PM  

7th Son of a 7th Son: After my last breakup which was 2 years ago, (her and I were together for 5 years) I was so farking depressed until I realized what a horrible coont she was. Love really blinds you and makes you think someone's perfect and no matter what they do it's okay cause it will work itself out. Bullshiat. I flat out do not care if I find another girl or have another relationship. I'm fat (working on that, I've lost 70 lbs since the breakup, but still a fatty mcfatterson), and I'm apathetic to what most people think of me.

/CSB
//any chicks that dig metal and horror and want a teddy bear for a bf?
///just a shot in the dark...........one step away from you


I'm going through the same thing. I broke up with my horribly abusive fiance about 6 months ago, and for some reason I'm really depressed about it now. Thinking of her all the time, tried to get her back, etc... I really need to snap out of it.
 
2013-05-11 07:06:17 PM  
Cue "what's the food that kills a woman's sex drive?" joke.
 
2013-05-11 07:06:39 PM  

gadian: Arachnophobe: From what I understand, most of the match.com profiles are either inactive or straight up fake, and if you're not vocally, devoutly religious, you won't get any matches on eHarmony. They're not as blatant about it as, say, Christian Mingle, but it's a very important factor for them.

Not my experience.  I'm an atheist and met my atheist husband on eharmony.  There didn't seem to be any overtly religious messaging or finger waggling because I signed up as an atheist either.  My other closest match was a nice Muslim kid.  There were a lot of non-Christian, non-religious sorts in my area.


Well, that's actually good to know. Maybe they've changed, or maybe demographics widened significantly since I tried it. I admit, I haven't looked at them for 8 or 9 years now, and I remember that bit about being religious circulating at the time.
 
2013-05-11 07:06:49 PM  

rohar: titwrench: rohar: titwrench: I'm calling bullshiat on all of you bass players claiming you're getting laid. Nobody shags the bass player.

Huh.  I know a bass player that does pretty well.

/she's my wife
//does that make me a groupie?

One of the sexiest women I have ever met was an upright bass player in a rockabilly band. She had a hell of a right cross and could drink anyone under the table. She was a redhead too which was nice.

shiat, I think I just met one of my wife's ex boyfriends online.  This might affect my sex life...


Didn't sleep with her just took her out for dinner. So if it turns out it's your wife I didn't touch her and you are a lucky mother farker.
 
2013-05-11 07:10:29 PM  

titwrench: rohar: titwrench: rohar: titwrench: I'm calling bullshiat on all of you bass players claiming you're getting laid. Nobody shags the bass player.

Huh.  I know a bass player that does pretty well.

/she's my wife
//does that make me a groupie?

One of the sexiest women I have ever met was an upright bass player in a rockabilly band. She had a hell of a right cross and could drink anyone under the table. She was a redhead too which was nice.

shiat, I think I just met one of my wife's ex boyfriends online.  This might affect my sex life...

Didn't sleep with her just took her out for dinner. So if it turns out it's your wife I didn't touch her and you are a lucky mother farker.


With your username, I'd say so
 
2013-05-11 07:11:42 PM  
Piercing accident?

/idon'twannatalkaboutit
 
2013-05-11 07:12:54 PM  

jayphat: teeny: mr teeny works out of town during the week and stays with his parents to avoid the 2 hour commute.  There is no sex during the week until we finish out our lease and move the family closer to his work.

The weekends, however, are suddenly as fun as hell because we get to make up for lost time. The kids think they've hit the jackpot because we're satisfied with them accomplishing only the most essential chores and then they're free to play outside all. day. long.

You let your kids outside unsupervised? Farking irresponsible parents make me sick.


2/10
 
2013-05-11 07:13:05 PM  

Oldiron_79: OgreMagi: I can have sex any time I want.  Except I have standards.  No fat women.

I regularly get shot down by a calibre women on internet dating sites who would be all-up-ons if we was at a bar. Its like once they have the anonymity of the internet they become the female equivilent of Studman69




You need to smell them anyway. What a waste of time.
 
2013-05-11 07:13:35 PM  

Babbs: Psssst, Guys. I'll let you in on a little secret. She's not too tired. She just can't stand you anymore.


What does "standing" someone or even "liking" someone have to do with having sex?
 
2013-05-11 07:14:06 PM  
Is shyness a lame excuse?

I'm a normal dude, makes decent money, fit.  Just terrified of women for the most part.
 
2013-05-11 07:15:06 PM  
cause and effect, dude.  You're a farker because you're not having sex.
 
2013-05-11 07:15:37 PM  
Bass player, married for ten years.

The reason I'm not getting as much as I'd like? Exhaustion, and a two year old baby who's the biggest cockblock in town.

/still, got properly laid on Friday morning. It's amazing how good sex when you aren't both on the brink of falling asleep like we've been doing for the past year or so.
 
2013-05-11 07:15:45 PM  

Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: 7th Son of a 7th Son: After my last breakup which was 2 years ago, (her and I were together for 5 years) I was so farking depressed until I realized what a horrible coont she was. Love really blinds you and makes you think someone's perfect and no matter what they do it's okay cause it will work itself out. Bullshiat. I flat out do not care if I find another girl or have another relationship. I'm fat (working on that, I've lost 70 lbs since the breakup, but still a fatty mcfatterson), and I'm apathetic to what most people think of me.

/CSB
//any chicks that dig metal and horror and want a teddy bear for a bf?
///just a shot in the dark...........one step away from you

I'm going through the same thing. I broke up with my horribly abusive fiance about 6 months ago, and for some reason I'm really depressed about it now. Thinking of her all the time, tried to get her back, etc... I really need to snap out of it.


I know it's cliche, but time really does allow us to heal. I tried to get my ex back too, and it took me a LONG time to not want her back. I also put my own life on hold for her. Her live basically was my life. Can't do that ever again.
 
2013-05-11 07:16:56 PM  
I was looking for "It hurts," which is what I hear.
 
2013-05-11 07:18:09 PM  

litespeed74: Is shyness a lame excuse?

I'm a normal dude, makes decent money, fit.  Just terrified of women for the most part.


Confidence is really all there is to it. Money, fitness, etc.. all factor in, but unless you approach a woman with confidence, it's probably not getting past small-talk.

I know losers with confidence who get better ass than relatively successful guys with no confidence.
 
2013-05-11 07:20:26 PM  

sotua: Bass player, married for ten years.

The reason I'm not getting as much as I'd like? Exhaustion, and a two year old baby who's the biggest cockblock in town.

/still, got properly laid on Friday morning. It's amazing how good sex when you aren't both on the brink of falling asleep like we've been doing for the past year or so.


Once you have kids, you gotta change the schedule.  Morning sex rocks!  The surprise 3:00am sex is the bomb especially after you've been sleeping since 9:00pm.
 
2013-05-11 07:20:58 PM  

T-Boy: I was looking for "It hurts," which is what I hear.


Try being a power bottom then.
 
2013-05-11 07:21:37 PM  

titwrench: rohar: titwrench: rohar: titwrench: I'm calling bullshiat on all of you bass players claiming you're getting laid. Nobody shags the bass player.

Huh.  I know a bass player that does pretty well.

/she's my wife
//does that make me a groupie?

One of the sexiest women I have ever met was an upright bass player in a rockabilly band. She had a hell of a right cross and could drink anyone under the table. She was a redhead too which was nice.

shiat, I think I just met one of my wife's ex boyfriends online.  This might affect my sex life...

Didn't sleep with her just took her out for dinner. So if it turns out it's your wife I didn't touch her and you are a lucky mother farker.


Hah.  Probably not the same girl.  But you're right.  I am one lucky mother farker.
 
2013-05-11 07:25:34 PM  

Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: MattyBlast: I don't get any because I'm not in a relationship.

/match.com member
//eHarmony member
///constantly rejected
////not bad looking, so I'm at a loss as to why
///wish I were dead

You aren't bad looking at all. A bit above average, probably. But do you dominate dat pussy? You gotta dominate dat pussy. When you walk up in yo house, do you be like, "Oh, hi Mr. Egg, how would you like to get scrambled up on the griddle sometime?" Hell no! You just grab that mothafarkin egg like it aint nothin and you crack it upside the bowl and scramble that shiat like a mothafarkin boss. You gotta do that same shiat with the pussy, mang.


Your kind and humorous words just got you a month of TotalFark. Enjoy!
 
2013-05-11 07:29:38 PM  

Saborlas: Since it's from Fox, I presume the reasons are Obama, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and brown people in general.


well those first three would be enough for me.

/Donotwant.jpg
//Also I'm watching LotR, hanging with my cat and drinking beer
 
2013-05-11 07:30:51 PM  
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vaginismus
I'm just gonna leave this here.

/and go cry in a corner.
 
2013-05-11 07:32:22 PM  

Krieghund: I'm not having sex because I'm in the line to do subby's mom.

[img.izismile.com image 640x438]


Sooo... with..A..Chainsaw?
 
2013-05-11 07:33:33 PM  
Low sexual experience correlates (understand correlates,) with high intelligence. Why? Well, if you're in the final two per cent sliver of the bell curve, that's your dating pool. It's already hard enough to find someone as it is. Additional filters reduce the odds of you getting any even more.
 
2013-05-11 07:35:22 PM  

MattyBlast: I don't get any because I'm not in a relationship.

/match.com member
//eHarmony member
///constantly rejected
////not bad looking, so I'm at a loss as to why
///wish I were dead


Accountant

I think I see your problem
 
2013-05-11 07:36:22 PM  

HempHead: [farm2.static.flickr.com image 792x583]Notabunny: Reason #5: You're a middle-aged bass player with a bad haircut. /so lonely


Look, it's a New York Rangers fan!
 
2013-05-11 07:37:29 PM  

Opiate of the Lasses: Bane of Broone: Opiate of the Lasses: WhippingBoy: You're married.

As someone who gets screwed maybe 1/3 as much as 4 years ago (and I'm only engaged, not even married yet), I was going to respond with something bitter. Instead I shall say I'm happy for you, and here's hoping your good fortune continues.



Run. Run away my fellow farker. The trend does not reverse after a ring I on the finger. They lasso you into commitment and then couldn't care less afterwards. Stereotypes are based off from reality.
 
2013-05-11 07:37:33 PM  

DarkSoulNoHope: HempHead: [farm2.static.flickr.com image 792x583]Notabunny: Reason #5: You're a middle-aged bass player with a bad haircut. /so lonely

Look, it's a New York Rangers fan!


Oh that's cold man. You're gonna insult someone, call them a Habs fan.
 
2013-05-11 07:37:51 PM  

MattyBlast: Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: MattyBlast: I don't get any because I'm not in a relationship.

/match.com member
//eHarmony member
///constantly rejected
////not bad looking, so I'm at a loss as to why
///wish I were dead

You aren't bad looking at all. A bit above average, probably. But do you dominate dat pussy? You gotta dominate dat pussy. When you walk up in yo house, do you be like, "Oh, hi Mr. Egg, how would you like to get scrambled up on the griddle sometime?" Hell no! You just grab that mothafarkin egg like it aint nothin and you crack it upside the bowl and scramble that shiat like a mothafarkin boss. You gotta do that same shiat with the pussy, mang.

Your kind and humorous words just got you a month of TotalFark. Enjoy!


Much appreciated. Thanks man.
 
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