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(Fox News)   Four reasons you're not having sex. Strangely absent: You're a Farker   (magazine.foxnews.com) divider line 220
    More: Obvious  
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16357 clicks; posted to Main » on 11 May 2013 at 6:13 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-05-11 01:57:13 PM
I've run out of chloroform?
 
2013-05-11 01:59:16 PM
Sex by yourself is still sex, right? Right?
 
2013-05-11 02:14:47 PM
I'm pretty sure it is because I am not at all attractive after the second date when the women realize the sarcasm and goofiness is great on a first date, but completely awful to wake up to Sunday morning.
 
2013-05-11 02:24:26 PM
Dr. Seth Meyers for eHarmony.com


www2.pictures.gi.zimbio.com
 
2013-05-11 06:09:29 PM

Apos: Dr. Seth Meyers for eHarmony.com


[www2.pictures.gi.zimbio.com image 396x594]


wow
just wow
He left out the part about not praying enough to jesus.
 
2013-05-11 06:14:26 PM
"You listen to what Fux News has to say about sex." is also strangely absent.
 
2013-05-11 06:15:15 PM

Apos: Dr. Seth Meyers for eHarmony.com


[www2.pictures.gi.zimbio.com image 396x594]


I thought that was this guy

img.gawkerassets.com

And maybe they are exhausted from working so hard because the rent is too damn high
 
2013-05-11 06:15:54 PM
I can have sex any time I want.  Except I have standards.  No fat women.
 
2013-05-11 06:16:26 PM
Reason #5: You're a middle-aged bass player with a bad haircut.

/so lonely
 
2013-05-11 06:18:10 PM
Carpal Tunnel Syndrome?
 
2013-05-11 06:19:15 PM
No more hookers to rape?
 
2013-05-11 06:19:22 PM
You're married.
 
2013-05-11 06:19:52 PM
They can recycle the four reasons for a later article titled:

"Why young adults don't get married"
 
2013-05-11 06:20:05 PM

farm2.static.flickr.comNotabunny: Reason #5: You're a middle-aged bass player with a bad haircut. /so lonely

 
2013-05-11 06:20:11 PM
Since it's from Fox, I presume the reasons are Obama, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and brown people in general.
 
2013-05-11 06:20:37 PM
If you have a partner, there is no excuse to not be having some manner of hanky panky with them.  That is a slap in the face to the millions of single people in the world.

/unless you are fat and/or ugly, in which case feel free to be a monk
 
2013-05-11 06:20:41 PM

WhippingBoy: You're married.


And we're done here
 
2013-05-11 06:22:43 PM
How about middle aged, married, bass-player, AND a bad haircut?

/gets it regularly
 
2013-05-11 06:22:56 PM
As a married Farker of 10 years who has had sex twice in the last 24 months, resentment and depression (hers not mine) are the two big reasons on that list. That and I'm too damn tired from work and being told "not tonight" all the farking time.
 
2013-05-11 06:24:45 PM

Dave and the Mission: How about middle aged, married, bass-player, AND a bad haircut?

/gets it regularly


You, sir, are my hero
 
2013-05-11 06:24:58 PM

jayphat: As a married Farker of 10 years who has had sex twice in the last 24 months, resentment and depression (hers not mine) are the two big reasons on that list. That and I'm too damn tired from work and being told "not tonight" all the farking time.


Are you me?
 
2013-05-11 06:26:27 PM

Opiate of the Lasses: WhippingBoy: You're married.

And we're done here


Never understood this one. I know stereotypes get started for a reason, but I was with my ex-wife for 11 years and had sex usually twice a day until the day I left. Hell, I WISHED the stereotype was true when I was growing up. My folks were farking 3-4 times a week until I moved out so that would put them in their 50s at the time. I bought my first walkman with birthday money for that reason alone, lol.
 
2013-05-11 06:27:28 PM

Dave and the Mission: How about middle aged, married, bass-player, AND a bad haircut?

/gets it regularly


Oh, I'm having sex right now...

/ mobile fark rules,
// and before a gig...
 
2013-05-11 06:27:31 PM

OgreMagi: I can have sex any time I want.  Except I have standards.  No fat women.


I regularly get shot down by a calibre women on internet dating sites who would be all-up-ons if we was at a bar. Its like once they have the anonymity of the internet they become the female equivilent of Studman69
 
2013-05-11 06:29:13 PM
Side effect of coming off Zoloft.
 
2013-05-11 06:29:35 PM

Oldiron_79: OgreMagi: I can have sex any time I want.  Except I have standards.  No fat women.

I regularly get shot down by a calibre women on internet dating sites who would be all-up-ons if we was at a bar. Its like once they have the anonymity of the internet they become the female equivilent of Studman69


I get that regularly too
 
2013-05-11 06:30:47 PM
I hate my own body too much to want any...
 
2013-05-11 06:30:48 PM
I'm not having sex because I'm in the line to do subby's mom.

img.izismile.com
 
2013-05-11 06:31:21 PM
My penis is too big?
 
2013-05-11 06:31:57 PM

Dave and the Mission: How about middle aged, married, bass-player, AND a bad haircut?

/gets it regularly


/// Austin bass players in the house tonight...
 
2013-05-11 06:32:49 PM
It's usually because one or both of the partners is having sex with someone else.
 
2013-05-11 06:33:45 PM
Oh, and put me down as another bass player gettin' it.
 
2013-05-11 06:34:16 PM

Oldiron_79: OgreMagi: I can have sex any time I want.  Except I have standards.  No fat women.

I regularly get shot down by a calibre women on internet dating sites who would be all-up-ons if we was at a bar. Its like once they have the anonymity of the internet they become the female equivilent of Studman69


Heh. The downsides of dating on the "Russian Sniperz 4 u" dating site..
 
2013-05-11 06:35:44 PM
I was hoping this was a link to an Onion statshot.

"Why aren't we having sex?"

24% - gained protection from prison gang
17% - don't want to ruin bed sheets by tearing hole in them
41% - recently saw picture of Rush Limbaugh
18 % - exhausted after long commute to mistress's place
 
2013-05-11 06:38:03 PM
I'm calling bullshiat on all of you bass players claiming you're getting laid. Nobody shags the bass player.
 
2013-05-11 06:38:38 PM

Bane of Broone: Opiate of the Lasses: WhippingBoy: You're married.

And we're done here

Never understood this one. I know stereotypes get started for a reason, but I was with my ex-wife for 11 years and had sex usually twice a day until the day I left. Hell, I WISHED the stereotype was true when I was growing up. My folks were farking 3-4 times a week until I moved out so that would put them in their 50s at the time. I bought my first walkman with birthday money for that reason alone, lol.


I don't understand it either. My wife, however, understands it perfectly it would seem.
 
2013-05-11 06:39:36 PM
It's because of gay marriage, obviously.
 
2013-05-11 06:39:56 PM

Bane of Broone: Opiate of the Lasses: WhippingBoy: You're married.

And we're done here

Never understood this one. I know stereotypes get started for a reason, but I was with my ex-wife for 11 years and had sex usually twice a day until the day I left. Hell, I WISHED the stereotype was true when I was growing up. My folks were farking 3-4 times a week until I moved out so that would put them in their 50s at the time. I bought my first walkman with birthday money for that reason alone, lol.


As someone who gets screwed maybe 1/3 as much as 4 years ago (and I'm only engaged, not even married yet), I was going to respond with something bitter. Instead I shall say I'm happy for you, and here's hoping your good fortune continues.
 
2013-05-11 06:40:13 PM
I used to have it frequently....a long time ago in a galaxy far far away.
 
2013-05-11 06:42:17 PM
I suppose it falls under exhaustion, but how about kiddus interruptus?  It's like the little tyrants sense that mom and dad are getting frisky and blam!  "Mom, I frew up."  "Dad, I had a nightmare."  If we get a night of uninterrupted peace and quiet, we get nervous and go check on them.

Thank God for afternoon delight.
 
2013-05-11 06:43:11 PM

titwrench: I'm calling bullshiat on all of you bass players claiming you're getting laid. Nobody shags the bass player.


I probably had the highest rate of gash as yet in my life when I was an active bass player. Kinda makes me wanna go buy a combo amp and join some shiatty local band just for the action.
 
2013-05-11 06:44:17 PM

Dave and the Mission: How about middle aged, married, bass-player, AND a bad haircut?

/gets it regularly


Why would you get a bad haircut regularly?
 
2013-05-11 06:44:55 PM
I'm gonna go with "because  Beatlefreak is on a plane right now"

/at least she's on her way here
 
2013-05-11 06:45:23 PM

HotWingAgenda: If you have a partner, there is no excuse to not be having some manner of hanky panky with them.  That is a slap in the face to the millions of single people in the world.

/unless you are fat and/or ugly, in which case feel free to be a monk


I would but my Wisdom and Dexterity are both pretty low.  I'd have a lousy AC.
 
2013-05-11 06:46:15 PM
Fatigue has hit the Smurf household.  Mrs. Smurf is now teaching preschool again.  A half dozen toddlers will run anybody ragged.  It's up to me to seduce her better.
 
2013-05-11 06:51:04 PM
I don't get any because I'm not in a relationship.

/match.com member
//eHarmony member
///constantly rejected
////not bad looking, so I'm at a loss as to why
///wish I were dead
 
2013-05-11 06:51:16 PM
 
2013-05-11 06:51:17 PM
Only total farkers aren't getting any sex.
 
2013-05-11 06:52:18 PM
#1 - Wedding Cake
 
2013-05-11 06:53:51 PM

Saborlas: Since it's from Fox, I presume the reasons are Obama, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and brown people in general.


1) Politics tab is a few over.
2) "Brown people" is a racial slur used by the KKK and anyone else who thinks that certain Caucasians aren't white enough to be "white".  Oddly, the only people I hear use it tend to be people lost on their way to the politics tab.
 
2013-05-11 06:53:56 PM

Smeggy Smurf: Fatigue has hit the Smurf household.  Mrs. Smurf is now teaching preschool again.  A half dozen toddlers will run anybody ragged.  It's up to me to seduce her better.


Joe's Crab Shack.
 
2013-05-11 06:54:52 PM

MattyBlast: I don't get any because I'm not in a relationship.

/match.com member
//eHarmony member
///constantly rejected
////not bad looking, so I'm at a loss as to why
///wish I were dead


You aren't bad looking at all. A bit above average, probably. But do you dominate dat pussy? You gotta dominate dat pussy. When you walk up in yo house, do you be like, "Oh, hi Mr. Egg, how would you like to get scrambled up on the griddle sometime?" Hell no! You just grab that mothafarkin egg like it aint nothin and you crack it upside the bowl and scramble that shiat like a mothafarkin boss. You gotta do that same shiat with the pussy, mang.
 
2013-05-11 06:55:34 PM

titwrench: I'm calling bullshiat on all of you bass players claiming you're getting laid. Nobody shags the bass player.


Huh.  I know a bass player that does pretty well.

/she's my wife
//does that make me a groupie?
 
2013-05-11 06:55:35 PM

meanmutton: Saborlas: Since it's from Fox, I presume the reasons are Obama, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and brown people in general.

1) Politics tab is a few over.
2) "Brown people" is a racial slur used by the KKK and anyone else who thinks that certain Caucasians aren't white enough to be "white".  Oddly, the only people I hear use it tend to be people lost on their way to the politics tab.


Exactly. Everyone knows that the proper term is "darkies".
 
2013-05-11 06:55:39 PM
So, surprise buttsecks is right out?...
 
2013-05-11 06:56:43 PM

Opiate of the Lasses: Bane of Broone: Opiate of the Lasses: WhippingBoy: You're married.

And we're done here

Never understood this one. I know stereotypes get started for a reason, but I was with my ex-wife for 11 years and had sex usually twice a day until the day I left. Hell, I WISHED the stereotype was true when I was growing up. My folks were farking 3-4 times a week until I moved out so that would put them in their 50s at the time. I bought my first walkman with birthday money for that reason alone, lol.

As someone who gets screwed maybe 1/3 as much as 4 years ago (and I'm only engaged, not even married yet), I was going to respond with something bitter. Instead I shall say I'm happy for you, and here's hoping your good fortune continues.


It is and thanks. I was really hoping I didn't come off as bragging or anything. It's just a genuine foreign concept to me. When I'm in a relationship I need sex. I need that form of intimacy. It's as much emotional as it is physical. Maybe that's an insecurity. I don't know, but I will admit that the frequency does make me feel validated. I want to feel desired and I'd much rather be shown than told, lol.
 
2013-05-11 06:56:46 PM

MattyBlast: I don't get any because I'm not in a relationship.

/match.com member
//eHarmony member
///constantly rejected
////not bad looking, so I'm at a loss as to why
///wish I were dead


From what I understand, most of the match.com profiles are either inactive or straight up fake, and if you're not vocally, devoutly religious, you won't get any matches on eHarmony. They're not as blatant about it as, say, Christian Mingle, but it's a very important factor for them.
 
2013-05-11 06:57:47 PM

MattyBlast: I don't get any because I'm not in a relationship.

/match.com member
//eHarmony member
///constantly rejected
////not bad looking, so I'm at a loss as to why
///wish I were dead


So you are the guy that my female friends been talking about.
 
2013-05-11 06:57:53 PM
Psssst, Guys. I'll let you in on a little secret. She's not too tired. She just can't stand you anymore.
 
2013-05-11 06:57:56 PM

MattyBlast: I don't get any because I'm not in a relationship.

/match.com member
//eHarmony member
///constantly rejected
////not bad looking, so I'm at a loss as to why
///wish I were dead


Ya gotta just be willing to walk up to them and talk. It helps to leave the duct tape and plastic in the car. Save it for later. 

/goofy lookin' farker here. Can pull arse whenever. Don't care what it is except two things:
-if big enough to crack the axle on a pickup truck, no go.
-if already involved in drama, no go.

Other than that it's game on!
 
2013-05-11 06:58:03 PM
What's considered "regularly" anyway? One's "regularly" could be once a day, or once a year... i.e. "I get my regular check up is annually."

I wish my "regularly" were daily.
 
2013-05-11 06:58:04 PM
mr teeny works out of town during the week and stays with his parents to avoid the 2 hour commute.  There is no sex during the week until we finish out our lease and move the family closer to his work.

The weekends, however, are suddenly as fun as hell because we get to make up for lost time. The kids think they've hit the jackpot because we're satisfied with them accomplishing only the most essential chores and then they're free to play outside all. day. long.
 
2013-05-11 06:58:58 PM

rohar: titwrench: I'm calling bullshiat on all of you bass players claiming you're getting laid. Nobody shags the bass player.

Huh.  I know a bass player that does pretty well.

/she's my wife
//does that make me a groupie?


One of the sexiest women I have ever met was an upright bass player in a rockabilly band. She had a hell of a right cross and could drink anyone under the table. She was a redhead too which was nice.
 
2013-05-11 06:59:01 PM

Saborlas: Since it's from Fox, I presume the reasons are Obama, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and brown people in general.


You forgot Benghazi
 
2013-05-11 06:59:31 PM
After my last breakup which was 2 years ago, (her and I were together for 5 years) I was so farking depressed until I realized what a horrible coont she was. Love really blinds you and makes you think someone's perfect and no matter what they do it's okay cause it will work itself out. Bullshiat. I flat out do not care if I find another girl or have another relationship. I'm fat (working on that, I've lost 70 lbs since the breakup, but still a fatty mcfatterson), and I'm apathetic to what most people think of me.

/CSB
//any chicks that dig metal and horror and want a teddy bear for a bf?
///just a shot in the dark...........one step away from you
 
2013-05-11 07:00:07 PM

Charlie Chingas: Smeggy Smurf: Fatigue has hit the Smurf household.  Mrs. Smurf is now teaching preschool again.  A half dozen toddlers will run anybody ragged.  It's up to me to seduce her better.

Joe's Crab Shack.


I want her to be happy, not suffering food poisoning
 
2013-05-11 07:00:17 PM

teeny: mr teeny works out of town during the week and stays with his parents to avoid the 2 hour commute.  There is no sex during the week until we finish out our lease and move the family closer to his work.

The weekends, however, are suddenly as fun as hell because we get to make up for lost time. The kids think they've hit the jackpot because we're satisfied with them accomplishing only the most essential chores and then they're free to play outside all. day. long.


You let your kids outside unsupervised? Farking irresponsible parents make me sick.
 
2013-05-11 07:01:42 PM

Arachnophobe: From what I understand, most of the match.com profiles are either inactive or straight up fake, and if you're not vocally, devoutly religious, you won't get any matches on eHarmony. They're not as blatant about it as, say, Christian Mingle, but it's a very important factor for them.


Not my experience.  I'm an atheist and met my atheist husband on eharmony.  There didn't seem to be any overtly religious messaging or finger waggling because I signed up as an atheist either.  My other closest match was a nice Muslim kid.  There were a lot of non-Christian, non-religious sorts in my area.
 
2013-05-11 07:01:49 PM

jayphat: teeny: mr teeny works out of town during the week and stays with his parents to avoid the 2 hour commute.  There is no sex during the week until we finish out our lease and move the family closer to his work.

The weekends, however, are suddenly as fun as hell because we get to make up for lost time. The kids think they've hit the jackpot because we're satisfied with them accomplishing only the most essential chores and then they're free to play outside all. day. long.

You let your kids outside unsupervised? Farking irresponsible parents make me sick.


CALL CPS!
 
2013-05-11 07:01:56 PM
I am not because my girlfriend lives in Pennsylvania and I am in Texas. This will be resolved soon.
 
2013-05-11 07:01:58 PM

titwrench: rohar: titwrench: I'm calling bullshiat on all of you bass players claiming you're getting laid. Nobody shags the bass player.

Huh.  I know a bass player that does pretty well.

/she's my wife
//does that make me a groupie?

One of the sexiest women I have ever met was an upright bass player in a rockabilly band. She had a hell of a right cross and could drink anyone under the table. She was a redhead too which was nice.


shiat, I think I just met one of my wife's ex boyfriends online.  This might affect my sex life...
 
2013-05-11 07:03:05 PM

Saborlas: Since it's from Fox, I presume the reasons are Obama, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and brown people in general.


I'm pretty much one of the libbiest libs that ever libbed, but regardless of party people who can't turn of their political filters off for two seconds are some of the most annoying people in the world. I can handle seeing a Fox tag on a link and not feel the need to rant about them in a thread that has nothing to do with politics. I feel sorry for you.
 
2013-05-11 07:03:14 PM

7th Son of a 7th Son: After my last breakup which was 2 years ago, (her and I were together for 5 years) I was so farking depressed until I realized what a horrible coont she was. Love really blinds you and makes you think someone's perfect and no matter what they do it's okay cause it will work itself out. Bullshiat. I flat out do not care if I find another girl or have another relationship. I'm fat (working on that, I've lost 70 lbs since the breakup, but still a fatty mcfatterson), and I'm apathetic to what most people think of me.

/CSB
//any chicks that dig metal and horror and want a teddy bear for a bf?
///just a shot in the dark...........one step away from you


I'm going through the same thing. I broke up with my horribly abusive fiance about 6 months ago, and for some reason I'm really depressed about it now. Thinking of her all the time, tried to get her back, etc... I really need to snap out of it.
 
2013-05-11 07:06:17 PM
Cue "what's the food that kills a woman's sex drive?" joke.
 
2013-05-11 07:06:39 PM

gadian: Arachnophobe: From what I understand, most of the match.com profiles are either inactive or straight up fake, and if you're not vocally, devoutly religious, you won't get any matches on eHarmony. They're not as blatant about it as, say, Christian Mingle, but it's a very important factor for them.

Not my experience.  I'm an atheist and met my atheist husband on eharmony.  There didn't seem to be any overtly religious messaging or finger waggling because I signed up as an atheist either.  My other closest match was a nice Muslim kid.  There were a lot of non-Christian, non-religious sorts in my area.


Well, that's actually good to know. Maybe they've changed, or maybe demographics widened significantly since I tried it. I admit, I haven't looked at them for 8 or 9 years now, and I remember that bit about being religious circulating at the time.
 
2013-05-11 07:06:49 PM

rohar: titwrench: rohar: titwrench: I'm calling bullshiat on all of you bass players claiming you're getting laid. Nobody shags the bass player.

Huh.  I know a bass player that does pretty well.

/she's my wife
//does that make me a groupie?

One of the sexiest women I have ever met was an upright bass player in a rockabilly band. She had a hell of a right cross and could drink anyone under the table. She was a redhead too which was nice.

shiat, I think I just met one of my wife's ex boyfriends online.  This might affect my sex life...


Didn't sleep with her just took her out for dinner. So if it turns out it's your wife I didn't touch her and you are a lucky mother farker.
 
2013-05-11 07:10:29 PM

titwrench: rohar: titwrench: rohar: titwrench: I'm calling bullshiat on all of you bass players claiming you're getting laid. Nobody shags the bass player.

Huh.  I know a bass player that does pretty well.

/she's my wife
//does that make me a groupie?

One of the sexiest women I have ever met was an upright bass player in a rockabilly band. She had a hell of a right cross and could drink anyone under the table. She was a redhead too which was nice.

shiat, I think I just met one of my wife's ex boyfriends online.  This might affect my sex life...

Didn't sleep with her just took her out for dinner. So if it turns out it's your wife I didn't touch her and you are a lucky mother farker.


With your username, I'd say so
 
2013-05-11 07:11:42 PM
Piercing accident?

/idon'twannatalkaboutit
 
2013-05-11 07:12:54 PM

jayphat: teeny: mr teeny works out of town during the week and stays with his parents to avoid the 2 hour commute.  There is no sex during the week until we finish out our lease and move the family closer to his work.

The weekends, however, are suddenly as fun as hell because we get to make up for lost time. The kids think they've hit the jackpot because we're satisfied with them accomplishing only the most essential chores and then they're free to play outside all. day. long.

You let your kids outside unsupervised? Farking irresponsible parents make me sick.


2/10
 
2013-05-11 07:13:05 PM

Oldiron_79: OgreMagi: I can have sex any time I want.  Except I have standards.  No fat women.

I regularly get shot down by a calibre women on internet dating sites who would be all-up-ons if we was at a bar. Its like once they have the anonymity of the internet they become the female equivilent of Studman69




You need to smell them anyway. What a waste of time.
 
2013-05-11 07:13:35 PM

Babbs: Psssst, Guys. I'll let you in on a little secret. She's not too tired. She just can't stand you anymore.


What does "standing" someone or even "liking" someone have to do with having sex?
 
2013-05-11 07:14:06 PM
Is shyness a lame excuse?

I'm a normal dude, makes decent money, fit.  Just terrified of women for the most part.
 
2013-05-11 07:15:06 PM
cause and effect, dude.  You're a farker because you're not having sex.
 
2013-05-11 07:15:37 PM
Bass player, married for ten years.

The reason I'm not getting as much as I'd like? Exhaustion, and a two year old baby who's the biggest cockblock in town.

/still, got properly laid on Friday morning. It's amazing how good sex when you aren't both on the brink of falling asleep like we've been doing for the past year or so.
 
2013-05-11 07:15:45 PM

Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: 7th Son of a 7th Son: After my last breakup which was 2 years ago, (her and I were together for 5 years) I was so farking depressed until I realized what a horrible coont she was. Love really blinds you and makes you think someone's perfect and no matter what they do it's okay cause it will work itself out. Bullshiat. I flat out do not care if I find another girl or have another relationship. I'm fat (working on that, I've lost 70 lbs since the breakup, but still a fatty mcfatterson), and I'm apathetic to what most people think of me.

/CSB
//any chicks that dig metal and horror and want a teddy bear for a bf?
///just a shot in the dark...........one step away from you

I'm going through the same thing. I broke up with my horribly abusive fiance about 6 months ago, and for some reason I'm really depressed about it now. Thinking of her all the time, tried to get her back, etc... I really need to snap out of it.


I know it's cliche, but time really does allow us to heal. I tried to get my ex back too, and it took me a LONG time to not want her back. I also put my own life on hold for her. Her live basically was my life. Can't do that ever again.
 
2013-05-11 07:16:56 PM
I was looking for "It hurts," which is what I hear.
 
2013-05-11 07:18:09 PM

litespeed74: Is shyness a lame excuse?

I'm a normal dude, makes decent money, fit.  Just terrified of women for the most part.


Confidence is really all there is to it. Money, fitness, etc.. all factor in, but unless you approach a woman with confidence, it's probably not getting past small-talk.

I know losers with confidence who get better ass than relatively successful guys with no confidence.
 
2013-05-11 07:20:26 PM

sotua: Bass player, married for ten years.

The reason I'm not getting as much as I'd like? Exhaustion, and a two year old baby who's the biggest cockblock in town.

/still, got properly laid on Friday morning. It's amazing how good sex when you aren't both on the brink of falling asleep like we've been doing for the past year or so.


Once you have kids, you gotta change the schedule.  Morning sex rocks!  The surprise 3:00am sex is the bomb especially after you've been sleeping since 9:00pm.
 
2013-05-11 07:20:58 PM

T-Boy: I was looking for "It hurts," which is what I hear.


Try being a power bottom then.
 
2013-05-11 07:21:37 PM

titwrench: rohar: titwrench: rohar: titwrench: I'm calling bullshiat on all of you bass players claiming you're getting laid. Nobody shags the bass player.

Huh.  I know a bass player that does pretty well.

/she's my wife
//does that make me a groupie?

One of the sexiest women I have ever met was an upright bass player in a rockabilly band. She had a hell of a right cross and could drink anyone under the table. She was a redhead too which was nice.

shiat, I think I just met one of my wife's ex boyfriends online.  This might affect my sex life...

Didn't sleep with her just took her out for dinner. So if it turns out it's your wife I didn't touch her and you are a lucky mother farker.


Hah.  Probably not the same girl.  But you're right.  I am one lucky mother farker.
 
2013-05-11 07:25:34 PM

Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: MattyBlast: I don't get any because I'm not in a relationship.

/match.com member
//eHarmony member
///constantly rejected
////not bad looking, so I'm at a loss as to why
///wish I were dead

You aren't bad looking at all. A bit above average, probably. But do you dominate dat pussy? You gotta dominate dat pussy. When you walk up in yo house, do you be like, "Oh, hi Mr. Egg, how would you like to get scrambled up on the griddle sometime?" Hell no! You just grab that mothafarkin egg like it aint nothin and you crack it upside the bowl and scramble that shiat like a mothafarkin boss. You gotta do that same shiat with the pussy, mang.


Your kind and humorous words just got you a month of TotalFark. Enjoy!
 
2013-05-11 07:29:38 PM

Saborlas: Since it's from Fox, I presume the reasons are Obama, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and brown people in general.


well those first three would be enough for me.

/Donotwant.jpg
//Also I'm watching LotR, hanging with my cat and drinking beer
 
2013-05-11 07:30:51 PM
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vaginismus
I'm just gonna leave this here.

/and go cry in a corner.
 
2013-05-11 07:32:22 PM

Krieghund: I'm not having sex because I'm in the line to do subby's mom.

[img.izismile.com image 640x438]


Sooo... with..A..Chainsaw?
 
2013-05-11 07:33:33 PM
Low sexual experience correlates (understand correlates,) with high intelligence. Why? Well, if you're in the final two per cent sliver of the bell curve, that's your dating pool. It's already hard enough to find someone as it is. Additional filters reduce the odds of you getting any even more.
 
2013-05-11 07:35:22 PM

MattyBlast: I don't get any because I'm not in a relationship.

/match.com member
//eHarmony member
///constantly rejected
////not bad looking, so I'm at a loss as to why
///wish I were dead


Accountant

I think I see your problem
 
2013-05-11 07:36:22 PM

HempHead: [farm2.static.flickr.com image 792x583]Notabunny: Reason #5: You're a middle-aged bass player with a bad haircut. /so lonely


Look, it's a New York Rangers fan!
 
2013-05-11 07:37:29 PM

Opiate of the Lasses: Bane of Broone: Opiate of the Lasses: WhippingBoy: You're married.

As someone who gets screwed maybe 1/3 as much as 4 years ago (and I'm only engaged, not even married yet), I was going to respond with something bitter. Instead I shall say I'm happy for you, and here's hoping your good fortune continues.



Run. Run away my fellow farker. The trend does not reverse after a ring I on the finger. They lasso you into commitment and then couldn't care less afterwards. Stereotypes are based off from reality.
 
2013-05-11 07:37:33 PM

DarkSoulNoHope: HempHead: [farm2.static.flickr.com image 792x583]Notabunny: Reason #5: You're a middle-aged bass player with a bad haircut. /so lonely

Look, it's a New York Rangers fan!


Oh that's cold man. You're gonna insult someone, call them a Habs fan.
 
2013-05-11 07:37:51 PM

MattyBlast: Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: MattyBlast: I don't get any because I'm not in a relationship.

/match.com member
//eHarmony member
///constantly rejected
////not bad looking, so I'm at a loss as to why
///wish I were dead

You aren't bad looking at all. A bit above average, probably. But do you dominate dat pussy? You gotta dominate dat pussy. When you walk up in yo house, do you be like, "Oh, hi Mr. Egg, how would you like to get scrambled up on the griddle sometime?" Hell no! You just grab that mothafarkin egg like it aint nothin and you crack it upside the bowl and scramble that shiat like a mothafarkin boss. You gotta do that same shiat with the pussy, mang.

Your kind and humorous words just got you a month of TotalFark. Enjoy!


Much appreciated. Thanks man.
 
2013-05-11 07:38:28 PM

teeny: mr teeny works out of town during the week and stays with his parents to avoid the 2 hour commute.  There is no sex during the week until we finish out our lease and move the family closer to his work.

The weekends, however, are suddenly as fun as hell because we get to make up for lost time. The kids think they've hit the jackpot because we're satisfied with them accomplishing only the most essential chores and then they're free to play outside all. day. long.


So your free during the week then?
 
2013-05-11 07:40:38 PM

Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: litespeed74: Is shyness a lame excuse?

I'm a normal dude, makes decent money, fit.  Just terrified of women for the most part.

Confidence is really all there is to it. Money, fitness, etc.. all factor in, but unless you approach a woman with confidence, it's probably not getting past small-talk.

I know losers with confidence who get better ass than relatively successful guys with no confidence.


I see the same thing. What I'd call losers with some pretty hot women.  Confidence is key. I am confident in most things but approaching women.
A few beers in me I do loosen up a bit but then I just sound like a drunk
 
2013-05-11 07:41:01 PM
Strangely absent ... headache
 
2013-05-11 07:42:14 PM
Speak for yourself subby.

/got some last night
//with a partner
 
2013-05-11 07:46:00 PM

MattyBlast: I don't get any because I'm not in a relationship.

/match.com member
//eHarmony member
///constantly rejected
////not bad looking, so I'm at a loss as to why
///wish I were dead


Do you use that picture on the dating sites?

It might be just me, but it's a turn off when a guy has a picture of himself with a piece of your ex (like top of her head) cropped.

That tells me one thing....

You haven't been single long enough to get over your drama and ex, or you are too lazy to have a recent picture of yourself.
 
2013-05-11 07:46:04 PM

gaslight: Low sexual experience correlates (understand correlates,) with high intelligence. Why? Well, if you're in the final two per cent sliver of the bell curve, that's your dating pool. It's already hard enough to find someone as it is. Additional filters reduce the odds of you getting any even more.


I have a high IQ but do not seek a woman with one too. I'm not saying I want her to be dumber than a bag of hammers but average IQ is fine by me. I hate the attitude of academics and if I went for my own IQ range thats what Id be looking at.

I went into a blue collar field and didnt go to college because I hate how academics act. Id love to have a Pol Pot style revolution where the academics are lined up against the wall and shot they are so annoying.
 
2013-05-11 07:52:40 PM

litespeed74: Is shyness a lame excuse?

I'm a normal dude, makes decent money, fit.  Just terrified of women for the most part.


Awwww; how you doin'?


/likes the shy ones
//wuffle
///seriously, you just need nerdy girls, we love that
 
2013-05-11 07:53:18 PM
I hate my body and genitals, so I generally have no interest in pursuing anyone.  Maybe if I could get them fixed, I wouldn't hate myself so much and actually want to live like a normal person.
 
2013-05-11 07:54:20 PM
Sex advice from Fox News?
Maybe I can learn etiquette from a rapper next.
 
2013-05-11 07:55:45 PM

MattyBlast: I don't get any because I'm not in a relationship.

/match.com member
//eHarmony member
///constantly rejected
////not bad looking, so I'm at a loss as to why
///wish I were dead


Being a tax accountant *might* have something to do with that...
 
2013-05-11 07:55:51 PM

God-is-a-Taco: Sex advice from Fox News?
Maybe I can learn etiquette from a rapper next.


Hey some of those morning Foxes are hot

/Crazy maybe but...
 
2013-05-11 07:56:15 PM

Myria: I hate my body and genitals, so I generally have no interest in pursuing anyone.  Maybe if I could get them fixed, I wouldn't hate myself so much and actually want to live like a normal person.


Hey- I think you're a cool gal. I know a few people in SoCal who are doing/considering the M to F thing. Hit me up (EIP) if you want me to put you in touch with them.
 
2013-05-11 07:57:29 PM

Myria: I hate my body and genitals, so I generally have no interest in pursuing anyone.  Maybe if I could get them fixed, I wouldn't hate myself so much and actually want to live like a normal person.


Im guessing some manner of TG?
 
2013-05-11 08:00:51 PM

TommyDeuce: I would but my Wisdom and Dexterity are both pretty low. I'd have a lousy AC.


I think i found the problem.

/keed, keed
//sorcerers are better for getting laid, Cha and all that
 
2013-05-11 08:01:09 PM

litespeed74: Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: litespeed74: Is shyness a lame excuse?

I'm a normal dude, makes decent money, fit.  Just terrified of women for the most part.

Confidence is really all there is to it. Money, fitness, etc.. all factor in, but unless you approach a woman with confidence, it's probably not getting past small-talk.

I know losers with confidence who get better ass than relatively successful guys with no confidence.

I see the same thing. What I'd call losers with some pretty hot women.  Confidence is key. I am confident in most things but approaching women.
A few beers in me I do loosen up a bit but then I just sound like a drunk


Now what I always wonder is what is considered confidence? I can talk to women with confidence, but it never leads anywhere. We have a great conversation for hours, laugh, have fun, but then I go for the second date the girl flakes or makes up excuses. All my friends say, "You got to have confidence!", but it just doesn't mean anything to me anymore.

Is it acting arrogant? Enthusiasm in what you are talking about? Bold moves like going in for a kiss? Witty remarks? How is acting confident defined by women?
 
2013-05-11 08:02:44 PM
Clicked on a Fark site with a header saying: "Hot teacher or British woman" and killed my sex drive for another two weeks.
 
2013-05-11 08:03:57 PM

teeny: mr teeny works out of town during the week and stays with his parents to avoid the 2 hour commute.  There is no sex during the week until we finish out our lease and move the family closer to his work.

The weekends, however, are suddenly as fun as hell because we get to make up for lost time. The kids think they've hit the jackpot because we're satisfied with them accomplishing only the most essential chores and then they're free to play outside all. day. long.


Similar thing here - been working contract 900 miles from home - wife and kids have been down 4 times, flew home once at Thanksgiving.  Good thing the kids are sound sleepers (they get air mattresses in the living room, they think they're camping).

/Close on a house in 2 weeks
//Will be farking glad when that's done
 
2013-05-11 08:04:42 PM

Trayal: TommyDeuce: I would but my Wisdom and Dexterity are both pretty low. I'd have a lousy AC.

I think i found the problem.

/keed, keed
//sorcerers are better for getting laid, Cha and all that


How about a Paladin of a Goddess of Fertility?
 
2013-05-11 08:09:48 PM

gaslight: Low sexual experience correlates (understand correlates,) with high intelligence. Why? Well, if you're in the final two per cent sliver of the bell curve, that's your dating pool. It's already hard enough to find someone as it is. Additional filters reduce the odds of you getting any even more.


I had heard this. I understand that, the more education a woman has the the more difficulty she has getting her "cookie".

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
 
2013-05-11 08:15:03 PM

rohar: sotua: Bass player, married for ten years.

The reason I'm not getting as much as I'd like? Exhaustion, and a two year old baby who's the biggest cockblock in town.

/still, got properly laid on Friday morning. It's amazing how good sex when you aren't both on the brink of falling asleep like we've been doing for the past year or so.

Once you have kids, you gotta change the schedule.  Morning sex rocks!  The surprise 3:00am sex is the bomb especially after you've been sleeping since 9:00pm.


Amen to that. But lately we've been terribly exhausted (two kids, and we both work full time) so surprise 3am sex is a rarity. But agree 100% that it's completely awesome.
 
Oak
2013-05-11 08:16:43 PM
I blame the multiple sclerosis.
 
2013-05-11 08:18:42 PM

TommyDeuce: How about a Paladin of a Goddess of Fertility?


You know, I've just decided the next character I'm going to roll....  funny coincidence, that
 
2013-05-11 08:21:03 PM
Females like confident men who can help support them.  Men who will take responsibility for their actions.  This disqualifies most liberals (farkers) sadly.
 
2013-05-11 08:21:25 PM
These articles seem to appear about once every 2 months or so.
 
2013-05-11 08:25:34 PM
Long-term relationships go through cycles. If you truly love each other, the sex will resume. In 37 years with my husband, we've never gone without sex longer than four weeks, and then only a couple of times, and we knew the reasons why (recovering from giving birth and after my husband lost both his parents and his job within a year).

But if you're only having sex once a *year*, there is something seriously wrong and you should seek help if you want to save your relationship, 'cause that shiat's not normal.
 
2013-05-11 08:27:36 PM
Listen youngins'..... when you have your first child and you see that vagoo open nice and wide and tear right to the pucker and there's blood all over the damn place.... and she's screaming.... and pushing... and swearing at you for making her like this... and the doctor is yelling.... and there's more blood.... and good lord how can someone live after bleeding so damn much!

Well sex just isn't the same.
 
2013-05-11 08:31:54 PM

ILoveBurritos: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vaginismus
I'm just gonna leave this here.

/and go cry in a corner.


Had a girlfriend with a version of that.  Said sex felt like someone sawing at her vag with a rusty knife.  Every once in a while it was ok and then the sex was great but over the course of several years it took it's toll on us.  Even though we didn't break up over sex, there were plenty of other things wrong, it was a factor.  Took me several years to get over the head trips that were implanted during that time.  Yuck.

Good luck to you, hope you've been able to find a doctor who recognizes that it's an actual physical problem, not something you made up in your head.  I'm sure you know that there are several online support groups.
 
2013-05-11 08:32:17 PM

7th Son of a 7th Son: After my last breakup which was 2 years ago, (her and I were together for 5 years) I was so farking depressed until I realized what a horrible coont she was. Love really blinds you and makes you think someone's perfect and no matter what they do it's okay cause it will work itself out. Bullshiat. I flat out do not care if I find another girl or have another relationship. I'm fat (working on that, I've lost 70 lbs since the breakup, but still a fatty mcfatterson), and I'm apathetic to what most people think of me.

/CSB
//any chicks that dig metal and horror and want a teddy bear for a bf?
///just a shot in the dark...........one step away from you


I'm waaay too old for you but you do sound gorgeous to me, so the odds are someone else out there will think so too. I reckon you'll be fine.
 
2013-05-11 08:55:10 PM
Your significant other evolved into someone you're no longer sexually attracted to.
 
2013-05-11 08:56:32 PM
Is "my self esteem is far too low to attract a mate" on there?

Because that's why I'm not having sex.
 
2013-05-11 08:57:28 PM

litespeed74: Is shyness a lame excuse?

I'm a normal dude, makes decent money, fit.  Just terrified of women for the most part.


What is there to fear?
 
2013-05-11 08:59:06 PM
One thing I never understood is my ex girlfriend that told me, after 3 years together, that she couldn't stand me touching her anymore out of the blue moon, but she said it would pass. I knew this was a definite engraved marking in our relationship, which made me feeled dazed and confused, and a week after she jumped me like a deprived nympho, and all that I could muster was the thought "wTF?". I then confronted her and we broke up several days after. I had a hard time recuperating thinking that my indifference cause this, that we loved eachother but never at the same time, but after several years I realized that she wasn't worth torturing myself for.
I have now made a new rules: don't date women on anti-depressants, if dating a girl into cosplay make love to her in her homemade costumes as often as possible, and if ever you find someone special during your relationship you should break up with your current gf and move on.
/bitter.
 
2013-05-11 08:59:21 PM

sotua: Exhaustion, and a two year old baby who's the biggest cockblock in town.


Wait until you have more than one kid...then the following stars have to align for the bow-chicka-bow to commence:

* both kids asleep
* both kids STAYING asleep
* both parents somehow not exhausted after doing whatever it took to get the kids to be tired enough that they'd stay asleep
* neither parent hacked off at some stupid shiat the other one did
* okay, amend that last one to: wife not hacked off at you because of something you did. Or didn't do. Or something that never happened anywhere outside the confines of her fevered imagination but is still your fault
* cats both asleep and not prowling, begging for food, vomiting on something, standing on you, etc.
* Aunt Flo's not in the house
* neither one of you have let yourself go to the point where you no longer want some of that
* the kids haven't brought home one of those virulent school plagues that lays you out flat for a week
 
2013-05-11 09:00:17 PM

dopekitty74: MattyBlast: I don't get any because I'm not in a relationship.

/match.com member
//eHarmony member
///constantly rejected
////not bad looking, so I'm at a loss as to why
///wish I were dead

Being a tax accountant *might* have something to do with that...


You're the second person to say that. What am I supposed to do, quit my job and become a motorcycle mechanic or something?

I would think that a woman with a brain in her head would consider it a plus that a man is gainfully employed and making decent money.

But what the hell do I know...my dick hasn't gotten wet in years.
 
2013-05-11 09:01:37 PM

rohar: titwrench: I'm calling bullshiat on all of you bass players claiming you're getting laid. Nobody shags the bass player.

Huh.  I know a bass player that does pretty well.

/she's my wife
//does that make me a groupie?


You know, I've heard a lot of names for the old guy, but I'd never heard it called a "bass".  Still, as long as the two of you have it worked out, have fun with it.

/Mrs Homely likes to refer to mine as Omar (the tentmaker).  Something about me lounging around in gym shorts...  :-D
 
2013-05-11 09:05:10 PM

MattyBlast: dopekitty74: MattyBlast: I don't get any because I'm not in a relationship.

/match.com member
//eHarmony member
///constantly rejected
////not bad looking, so I'm at a loss as to why
///wish I were dead

Being a tax accountant *might* have something to do with that...

You're the second person to say that. What am I supposed to do, quit my job and become a motorcycle mechanic or something?

I would think that a woman with a brain in her head would consider it a plus that a man is gainfully employed and making decent money.

But what the hell do I know...my dick hasn't gotten wet in years.


The last woman I dated dumped me (but let's still be friends, ok, because blah blah blah)  for a an unemployed guy with no prospects.  I know I am not handsome, but that made me feel hideous.
 
2013-05-11 09:05:26 PM

Nidiot: 7th Son of a 7th Son: After my last breakup which was 2 years ago, (her and I were together for 5 years) I was so farking depressed until I realized what a horrible coont she was. Love really blinds you and makes you think someone's perfect and no matter what they do it's okay cause it will work itself out. Bullshiat. I flat out do not care if I find another girl or have another relationship. I'm fat (working on that, I've lost 70 lbs since the breakup, but still a fatty mcfatterson), and I'm apathetic to what most people think of me.

/CSB
//any chicks that dig metal and horror and want a teddy bear for a bf?
///just a shot in the dark...........one step away from you

I'm waaay too old for you but you do sound gorgeous to me, so the odds are someone else out there will think so too. I reckon you'll be fine.


Awwww, why thank you. :)
 
2013-05-11 09:06:03 PM

MattyBlast: dopekitty74: MattyBlast: I don't get any because I'm not in a relationship.

/match.com member
//eHarmony member
///constantly rejected
////not bad looking, so I'm at a loss as to why
///wish I were dead

Being a tax accountant *might* have something to do with that...

You're the second person to say that. What am I supposed to do, quit my job and become a motorcycle mechanic or something?

I would think that a woman with a brain in her head would consider it a plus that a man is gainfully employed and making decent money.

But what the hell do I know...my dick hasn't gotten wet in years.


Having a motorcycle was actually the swing factor that got me the first date with the Mrs, but changing careers isn't always necessary.  (I'm an engineer, so I can relate.)
 
2013-05-11 09:06:10 PM
Ah, look at all the bass players come out of the woodwork!

Not strong enough rhythmically to hold the band together, and yet lacking the sense of melody to play a lead instrument.

Don't get mad, oh man, where are you going?

Never mind, we got you covered with a pitch-shifted track or the keyboard player's left hand...
 
2013-05-11 09:07:33 PM

Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: litespeed74: Is shyness a lame excuse?

I'm a normal dude, makes decent money, fit.  Just terrified of women for the most part.

Confidence is really all there is to it. Money, fitness, etc.. all factor in, but unless you approach a woman with confidence, it's probably not getting past small-talk.

I know losers with confidence who get better ass than relatively successful guys with no confidence.


Despite being emotionally crippled inside (majorly), I've somehow managed the art of fake confidence. I often wonder if it borders on obnoxious machismo but even if it does, those are the guys who get laid. You know it. I know it. Alpha males take home the strange.

It can backfire, however, once one of your f*ck buddies accidentally becomes a serious girlfriend. Then she sees you crying in your Cheerios on a random Wednesday morning and wonders where that confident guy went.
 
2013-05-11 09:12:32 PM
A wise man, on this very site, advised to marry anyone with whom you have a long-term relationship as long as you have terrific sex. Even if hobbies and interests differred, those things could be done without wifey, but the intimate stuff was reserved to the wife.
A real guru I bow to, but this does not seem to make sense in the women's psyche...
 
2013-05-11 09:16:46 PM
I know losers with confidence who get better ass than relatively successful guys with no confidence.

Then she sees you crying in your Cheerios on a random Wednesday morning and wonders where that confident guy went.

If the masculine implies the feminine, I am one of you.
 
2013-05-11 09:19:30 PM

Trayal: TommyDeuce: How about a Paladin of a Goddess of Fertility?

You know, I've just decided the next character I'm going to roll....  funny coincidence, that


Me too.  Well, I'm probably DMing, so they might be a memorable NPC

/Not a killer DM
//But VERY Evil
 
2013-05-11 09:19:35 PM
Honest Question:

Any Farkettes (or Farkers) care to answer:

How can a man approach a random woman in an everyday setting without being creepy?  For example, pretend I was just grocery shopping and saw a random hottie.  She had no ring.  Is there even a way to approach someone in such a random situation?

I am not talking about the bar type scene where you might see "regulars".  I am talking about encountering random people whom you may never again have a chance to ask.
 
2013-05-11 09:23:51 PM

TommyDeuce: Trayal: TommyDeuce: How about a Paladin of a Goddess of Fertility?

You know, I've just decided the next character I'm going to roll....  funny coincidence, that

Me too.  Well, I'm probably DMing, so they might be a memorable NPC

/Not a killer DM
//But VERY Evil


Halfling Paladin, in service to Chaunta, Mount is a bad-tempered Billy-Goat, weapons include sickle and pitch-fork.

/Plus he's rather randy (or she)
//But being LG, feels guilty about it a lot
///Holy act of sewing oats?
//Gonna be a long 2 weeks
 
2013-05-11 09:24:53 PM
stryed

if ever you find someone special during your relationship you should break up with your current gf and move on.

That's some good advice right there.

/ If you're with the right one, you won't even notice anyone else.
 
2013-05-11 09:28:58 PM

MBA Whore: Honest Question:

Any Farkettes (or Farkers) care to answer:

How can a man approach a random woman in an everyday setting without being creepy?  For example, pretend I was just grocery shopping and saw a random hottie.  She had no ring.  Is there even a way to approach someone in such a random situation?

I am not talking about the bar type scene where you might see "regulars".  I am talking about encountering random people whom you may never again have a chance to ask.


i.imgur.com
 
2013-05-11 09:29:47 PM

studebaker hoch: stryed

if ever you find someone special during your relationship you should break up with your current gf and move on.

That's some good advice right there.

/ If you're with the right one, you won't even notice anyone else.


This is true. People don't believe it, but it is true. Once you find The One, everyone else becomes background noise.
 
2013-05-11 09:30:16 PM
When The Sex Stops in a Relationship

well there's the problem
 
2013-05-11 09:33:03 PM

MattyBlast: dopekitty74: MattyBlast: I don't get any because I'm not in a relationship.

/match.com member
//eHarmony member
///constantly rejected
////not bad looking, so I'm at a loss as to why
///wish I were dead

Being a tax accountant *might* have something to do with that...

You're the second person to say that. What am I supposed to do, quit my job and become a motorcycle mechanic or something?

I would think that a woman with a brain in her head would consider it a plus that a man is gainfully employed and making decent money.

But what the hell do I know...my dick hasn't gotten wet in years.


in NYC, being an accountant isn't enough to get any from women concerned about salary.
lying about such matters is much harder in the age of linkedin.
 
2013-05-11 09:40:37 PM

OgreMagi: MattyBlast: dopekitty74: MattyBlast: I don't get any because I'm not in a relationship.

/match.com member
//eHarmony member
///constantly rejected
////not bad looking, so I'm at a loss as to why
///wish I were dead

Being a tax accountant *might* have something to do with that...

You're the second person to say that. What am I supposed to do, quit my job and become a motorcycle mechanic or something?

I would think that a woman with a brain in her head would consider it a plus that a man is gainfully employed and making decent money.

But what the hell do I know...my dick hasn't gotten wet in years.

The last woman I dated dumped me (but let's still be friends, ok, because blah blah blah)  for a an unemployed guy with no prospects.  I know I am not handsome, but that made me feel hideous.


Well you would not beleive how many of the ex gfs that have dumped me went to someone that even people who are her friends and not mine are like "downgrade".

I may not look like a Calvin Klein underwear model but I got a decent jorb am wel endowed and tall.
 
2013-05-11 09:41:56 PM
Sex is a drug and like other drugs your tolerance builds up. Eventually you look at the pipe and say whats the point.
 
2013-05-11 09:43:16 PM

MBA Whore: Honest Question:

Any Farkettes (or Farkers) care to answer:

How can a man approach a random woman in an everyday setting without being creepy?  For example, pretend I was just grocery shopping and saw a random hottie.  She had no ring.  Is there even a way to approach someone in such a random situation?

I am not talking about the bar type scene where you might see "regulars".  I am talking about encountering random people whom you may never again have a chance to ask.


if you want to be even more confused, just read this.

http://jezebel.com/5981581/how-to-talk-to-a-woman-without-being-a-cr ee p
 
2013-05-11 09:43:17 PM
My ex didn't bother to dump me before going in for the abusive drunk. You can't tell what they want in a man until they tear out your heart after cheating on you with their ideal mate. She recently started to refer to me as her mate after I let her back in at our original agreement. Not falling for it this time, mostly because while the farkbuddy angle is fun, the abusive daddy issues make listening to her painful. After she ripped my heart out, she expects me to care. until I meet someone who has more in common with me than searching for the next orgasm, this works.

/mind you, she is a pleasant girl, but when she will cheat on me with a guy who leaves bruises, black eyes, and "loves her" more, this is not a healthy relationship
//I took her from an abusive relationship, she hasn't gotten the point that she doesn't need to be beaten to be loved
///need to find a nerdy girl who thinks her man is an equal, not a meal ticket.
 
2013-05-11 09:44:46 PM

Saborlas: Since it's from Fox, I presume the reasons are Obama, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and brown people in general.


Bill is the one getting all the action.
 
2013-05-11 09:46:08 PM
Wow. I don't know of this thread makes me feel better about my boring personal life, but damn there are a lot of bass players here.
 
2013-05-11 09:47:02 PM

sotua: Bass player, married for ten years.

The reason I'm not getting as much as I'd like? Exhaustion, and a two year old baby who's the biggest cockblock in town.

/still, got properly laid on Friday morning. It's amazing how good sex when you aren't both on the brink of falling asleep like we've been doing for the past year or so.


Ah, babies. Nature's cockblockers.
 
2013-05-11 09:50:32 PM
Q:  How is a base player different than a large pizza?
 
2013-05-11 09:54:10 PM

Bane of Broone: Saborlas: Since it's from Fox, I presume the reasons are Obama, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and brown people in general.

I'm pretty much one of the libbiest libs that ever libbed, but regardless of party people who can't turn their political filters off for two seconds are some of the most annoying people in the world. I can handle seeing a Fox tag on a link and not feel the need to rant about them in a thread that has nothing to do with politics. I feel sorry for you.


That's refreshing to read. I honestly don't think I've ever seen that POV from any political side before, at least here on Fark. (Not that I spend that much time in the Politics tab). Good on ya.
 
2013-05-11 09:55:54 PM

spentmiles: It's probably because your husband is exhausting himself at the local park on his lunch break.  Seriously, I've been a marital counsellor for over a decade.  9 times out of 10, when the sex stops in a relationship, it's because the husband has started getting his shiat packed by the local jean short wearing man stallion.  The other 1 time out of 10, the guy won't admit it.  Closet homosexuality is like the new AIDS of suburbia.  Chances are, if your husband has lost interest in you, he's getting it from a dude behind your back.

Easy test: When he falls asleep, smell his penis and his rectal opening.  If the come and shiat smells have swapped places, go see a divorce lawyer.  He's gay.


You're sick and deluded, displaying a tad too much fervor over closeted gay husbands... and your handle anagrams to Penis Melts.  Seriously?  9/10 husbands not having sex are gay and "getting their shiat packed?"  A bit obsessed, are we?  The local jean-short-wearing man stallion?  Smell his penis and rectal opening?  Good grief.  I'd call you farking nuts, but I don't want to get you too stirred up.
 
2013-05-11 09:57:38 PM
Missing is that this is a bullshiat advertisement in article clothes.
 
2013-05-11 09:57:47 PM

John Buck 41: Bane of Broone: Saborlas: Since it's from Fox, I presume the reasons are Obama, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and brown people in general.

I'm pretty much one of the libbiest libs that ever libbed, but regardless of party people who can't turn their political filters off for two seconds are some of the most annoying people in the world. I can handle seeing a Fox tag on a link and not feel the need to rant about them in a thread that has nothing to do with politics. I feel sorry for you.

That's refreshing to read. I honestly don't think I've ever seen that POV from any political side before, at least here on Fark. (Not that I spend that much time in the Politics tab). Good on ya.


People expecting sanity from Fark? You must be new here.
 
2013-05-11 09:58:22 PM

studebaker hoch: Q:  How is a base player different than a large pizza?


one is something hot, salty & delicious that I could eat for days, and the other is a pizza.

/what?
 
2013-05-11 10:01:42 PM

MattyBlast: dopekitty74: MattyBlast: I don't get any because I'm not in a relationship.

/match.com member
//eHarmony member
///constantly rejected
////not bad looking, so I'm at a loss as to why
///wish I were dead

Being a tax accountant *might* have something to do with that...

You're the second person to say that. What am I supposed to do, quit my job and become a motorcycle mechanic or something?

I would think that a woman with a brain in her head would consider it a plus that a man is gainfully employed and making decent money.

But what the hell do I know...my dick hasn't gotten wet in years.


maybe you should get it wet, wash it now and then. maybe then you might get some action. nobody wants a dirty smelly dick.
 
2013-05-11 10:05:19 PM

MattyBlast: dopekitty74: MattyBlast: I don't get any because I'm not in a relationship.

/match.com member
//eHarmony member
///constantly rejected
////not bad looking, so I'm at a loss as to why
///wish I were dead

Being a tax accountant *might* have something to do with that...

You're the second person to say that. What am I supposed to do, quit my job and become a motorcycle mechanic or something?

I would think that a woman with a brain in her head would consider it a plus that a man is gainfully employed and making decent money.

But what the hell do I know...my dick hasn't gotten wet in years.


Have you guys considered moonlighting as freelance superheroes? They mystery, the danger, the cape, the mask. Worked out pretty good for Spiderman and Batman.
 
2013-05-11 10:05:47 PM

wax_on: ILoveBurritos: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vaginismus
I'm just gonna leave this here.

/and go cry in a corner.

Had a girlfriend with a version of that.  Said sex felt like someone sawing at her vag with a rusty knife.  Every once in a while it was ok and then the sex was great but over the course of several years it took it's toll on us.  Even though we didn't break up over sex, there were plenty of other things wrong, it was a factor.  Took me several years to get over the head trips that were implanted during that time.  Yuck.

Good luck to you, hope you've been able to find a doctor who recognizes that it's an actual physical problem, not something you made up in your head.  I'm sure you know that there are several online support groups.


Thanks. I definitely understand how you'd get those head trips, I've got them too. I haven't looked into any support groups though.

/maybe I should
//nothing's gonna change
 
2013-05-11 10:08:21 PM

Oldiron_79: OgreMagi: MattyBlast: dopekitty74: MattyBlast: I don't get any because I'm not in a relationship.

/match.com member
//eHarmony member
///constantly rejected
////not bad looking, so I'm at a loss as to why
///wish I were dead

Being a tax accountant *might* have something to do with that...

You're the second person to say that. What am I supposed to do, quit my job and become a motorcycle mechanic or something?

I would think that a woman with a brain in her head would consider it a plus that a man is gainfully employed and making decent money.

But what the hell do I know...my dick hasn't gotten wet in years.

The last woman I dated dumped me (but let's still be friends, ok, because blah blah blah)  for a an unemployed guy with no prospects.  I know I am not handsome, but that made me feel hideous.

Well you would not beleive how many of the ex gfs that have dumped me went to someone that even people who are her friends and not mine are like "downgrade".

I may not look like a Calvin Klein underwear model but I got a decent jorb am wel endowed and tall.


My underwear is disguised like a TARDIS: it's bigger on the inside.
 
2013-05-11 10:11:36 PM

Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: MattyBlast: I don't get any because I'm not in a relationship.


You aren't bad looking at all. A bit above average, probably. But do you dominate dat pussy? You gotta dominate dat pussy. When you walk up in yo house, do you be like, "Oh, hi Mr. Egg, how would you like to get scrambled up on the griddle sometime?" Hell no! You just grab that mothafarkin egg like it aint nothin and you crack it upside the bowl and scramble that shiat like a mothafarkin boss. You gotta do that same shiat with the pussy, mang.


That paragraph felt so informative and instructional, and at the same time, I have never felt so confused.
 
2013-05-11 10:12:42 PM

studebaker hoch: Q:  How is a base player different than a large pizza?


A large pizza can feed a family.
 
2013-05-11 10:16:25 PM
Because my notional girlfriend lives halfway around the world, so I only get to see her a coupla times a year, so our times together largely consist of furtive farkings in hotels, and then she runs back home to her husband.

She did take me on a 10-day vacay once, so I could be her love slave :-)  There's a drink called "sex in a cenote".  Never had the drink, had the sex :-)

/well paid
//adequately hung
///might as well be a virgin again
 
2013-05-11 10:17:02 PM

MattyBlast: I don't get any because I'm not in a relationship.

/match.com member
//eHarmony member
///constantly rejected
////not bad looking, so I'm at a loss as to why
///wish I were dead



Tax accountant from the Southwestern Connecticut area, recently transplanted from the greater Brew City area in Wisconsin. Alumnus bass player for Milwaukee rock band Random Maxx (randommaxx.com). Novice skydiver with Sky Knights Sport Parachute Club ("novice" means I suck, but everyone should have fun doing something they suck at). Otherwise, I'm just an ordinary guy with a job who does stuff.


Finance guy, not at all bad-looking, from WI, still love the PNW but in CT now and appreciating the New England winters.  I play bass for a local band and I like to skydive, but you don't have to like either.  I'd love to meet a Catherine Keener-type woman: smart, sexy, knowing, kick-ass.
 
2013-05-11 10:17:15 PM
Total Farkers get laid more often
than regular Farkers (in fact, the opposite is probably TRUE)
 
2013-05-11 10:20:10 PM
56, M. Married to a 48 y/o F in the midst of menopause. Coming up on 7 years of marriage, 11 years together. Things have kinda been on ice for a few months, but I'm confident (there's that word again) that things will get better. Good news is we still get along wonderfully. Just don't fark much lately. I think it's as much ancillary bullshiat (hating our jobs, aging parents problems) as the change of life thing.
 
2013-05-11 10:23:47 PM

MBA Whore: Honest Question:

Any Farkettes (or Farkers) care to answer:

How can a man approach a random woman in an everyday setting without being creepy?  For example, pretend I was just grocery shopping and saw a random hottie.  She had no ring.  Is there even a way to approach someone in such a random situation?

I am not talking about the bar type scene where you might see "regulars".  I am talking about encountering random people whom you may never again have a chance to ask.


Speaking from experience, if you see someone on the street, in the grocery store, wherever and she really catches your attention, give her a sincere compliment and then carry on.
Example: walking down the street, some random guy walking past me paused and told me that I had really stunning eyes. This was quite a while ago but I still remember it clearly and I am certain that if I had been single I would have turned around, caught up with the guy and told him that he just brightened my day and then introduced myself to see where it led - maybe suggest grabbing a cup of coffee if it seemed right. I believe that something as simple as that really can work as long as its sincere, and not something that is used so frequently that it is obviously just a pick up line. And if it doesn't lead anywhere, know that you have very likely made someone's day better.
 
2013-05-11 10:31:37 PM
i.imgur.com
 
2013-05-11 10:37:39 PM

Oldiron_79: John Buck 41: Bane of Broone: Saborlas: Since it's from Fox, I presume the reasons are Obama, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and brown people in general.

I'm pretty much one of the libbiest libs that ever libbed, but regardless of party people who can't turn their political filters off for two seconds are some of the most annoying people in the world. I can handle seeing a Fox tag on a link and not feel the need to rant about them in a thread that has nothing to do with politics. I feel sorry for you.

That's refreshing to read. I honestly don't think I've ever seen that POV from any political side before, at least here on Fark. (Not that I spend that much time in the Politics tab). Good on ya.

People expecting sanity from Fark? You must be new here.


Way to miss the point. Read much?
 
2013-05-11 10:38:09 PM

MBA Whore: Honest Question:

Any Farkettes (or Farkers) care to answer:

How can a man approach a random woman in an everyday setting without being creepy?  For example, pretend I was just grocery shopping and saw a random hottie.  She had no ring.  Is there even a way to approach someone in such a random situation?

I am not talking about the bar type scene where you might see "regulars".  I am talking about encountering random people whom you may never again have a chance to ask.


Just casually tell her that you are having a cookout, and you have the hotdog if she'll bring her buns. I can guarantee at least a 2% success rate.

In all seriousness, just walk up to said hottie and say whatever you want. Tell her you think she is gorgeous and introduce yourself, or you can say the most ridiculous shiat just to break the ice and get a conversation going. I once used this stupid line  "I love your high heels; they look a lot like the pair I was wearing last night" just to get the a laugh and start conversation. You can normally tell very quickly into the conversation if someone is receptive or not.

Just realize that you will not be every woman's cup of tea. Some might think you are creepy and some might be glad that you stopped to talk to them. You will not ever know unless you speak up.
 
2013-05-11 10:38:25 PM
Men... married or single.  This book is a must.

ecx.images-amazon.com
 
2013-05-11 10:38:26 PM
middle of a divorce right now and I have an amazing new GF. i get it practically every day, sometimes more than once. Prior to that I sometimes had problems saluting if you know what I mean, so I was a tad nervous with the new GF. I have since concluded that my willie didn't like my wife any more than the rest of me did.
 
2013-05-11 10:38:45 PM

dopekitty74: Being a tax accountant *might* have something to do with that...


Beats tech.

Is there any job that pays a reasonably middle-class wage and doesn't make you too lame to date?

I guess fire fighters and cops?
 
2013-05-11 10:44:24 PM

fnordfocus: dopekitty74: Being a tax accountant *might* have something to do with that...

Beats tech.

Is there any job that pays a reasonably middle-class wage and doesn't make you too lame to date?

I guess fire fighters and cops?


Drool.
 
2013-05-11 10:54:37 PM

ElizaDoolittle: spentmiles: It's probably because your husband is exhausting himself at the local park on his lunch break.  Seriously, I've been a marital counsellor for over a decade.  9 times out of 10, when the sex stops in a relationship, it's because the husband has started getting his shiat packed by the local jean short wearing man stallion.  The other 1 time out of 10, the guy won't admit it.  Closet homosexuality is like the new AIDS of suburbia.  Chances are, if your husband has lost interest in you, he's getting it from a dude behind your back.

Easy test: When he falls asleep, smell his penis and his rectal opening.  If the come and shiat smells have swapped places, go see a divorce lawyer.  He's gay.

You're sick and deluded, displaying a tad too much fervor over closeted gay husbands... and your handle anagrams to Penis Melts.  Seriously?  9/10 husbands not having sex are gay and "getting their shiat packed?"  A bit obsessed, are we?  The local jean-short-wearing man stallion?  Smell his penis and rectal opening?  Good grief.  I'd call you farking nuts, but I don't want to get you too stirred up.


New here, are you?  Jeez, even I know the handle "Spentmiles" mean "funny bulldada"
 
2013-05-11 10:56:15 PM
So a really quiet, shy buddy of mine comes to the dining hall one day in a shirt that had a stitched in name tag that said "Russel".  We were teasing him, eventually calling him Russel the love muscle.  Anyway, these girls sit down near us and my friend really really wanted to get to know one of them.  We wound up collectively paying / daring him over $80 cash for him to go up to her and introduce himself as Russel the Looooove Muscle with pointy gun fingers and everything and to do it loud enough so we could hear.  Long story short, he comes back to the table with her phone number and they go out on a couple of dates.

That's confidence and self-depreciating humor with financial incentive.  If you can't talk to women, try having one of your friends pay you to do so.
 
2013-05-11 11:03:51 PM

TheRealAde: MBA Whore: Honest Question:

Any Farkettes (or Farkers) care to answer:

How can a man approach a random woman in an everyday setting without being creepy?  For example, pretend I was just grocery shopping and saw a random hottie.  She had no ring.  Is there even a way to approach someone in such a random situation?

I am not talking about the bar type scene where you might see "regulars".  I am talking about encountering random people whom you may never again have a chance to ask.

Speaking from experience, if you see someone on the street, in the grocery store, wherever and she really catches your attention, give her a sincere compliment and then carry on.
Example: walking down the street, some random guy walking past me paused and told me that I had really stunning eyes. This was quite a while ago but I still remember it clearly and I am certain that if I had been single I would have turned around, caught up with the guy and told him that he just brightened my day and then introduced myself to see where it led - maybe suggest grabbing a cup of coffee if it seemed right. I believe that something as simple as that really can work as long as its sincere, and not something that is used so frequently that it is obviously just a pick up line. And if it doesn't lead anywhere, know that you have very likely made someone's day better.


Dude, dog parks.  If you have a dog, great.  Otherwise just tell people you like dogs, and you're kind of thinking about getting one.  Dog people love to talk about their dog - it's a great opening.

/Course, if you're allergic to dogs, you're screwed
 
2013-05-11 11:04:58 PM

fnordfocus: Beats tech.

Is there any job that pays a reasonably middle-class wage and doesn't make you too lame to date?

I guess fire fighters and cops?


A lot of women find construction workers sexy.
 
2013-05-11 11:07:42 PM

TommyDeuce: TheRealAde: MBA Whore: Honest Question:

Any Farkettes (or Farkers) care to answer:

How can a man approach a random woman in an everyday setting without being creepy?  For example, pretend I was just grocery shopping and saw a random hottie.  She had no ring.  Is there even a way to approach someone in such a random situation?

I am not talking about the bar type scene where you might see "regulars".  I am talking about encountering random people whom you may never again have a chance to ask.

Speaking from experience, if you see someone on the street, in the grocery store, wherever and she really catches your attention, give her a sincere compliment and then carry on.
Example: walking down the street, some random guy walking past me paused and told me that I had really stunning eyes. This was quite a while ago but I still remember it clearly and I am certain that if I had been single I would have turned around, caught up with the guy and told him that he just brightened my day and then introduced myself to see where it led - maybe suggest grabbing a cup of coffee if it seemed right. I believe that something as simple as that really can work as long as its sincere, and not something that is used so frequently that it is obviously just a pick up line. And if it doesn't lead anywhere, know that you have very likely made someone's day better.

Dude, dog parks.  If you have a dog, great.  Otherwise just tell people you like dogs, and you're kind of thinking about getting one.  Dog people love to talk about their dog - it's a great opening.

/Course, if you're allergic to dogs, you're screwed


Or hang out at a regular park.  When a hot milf asks you which one is yours, tell you haven't picked one, yet.  They love that kind of thing.
 
2013-05-11 11:08:56 PM
She got fat and doesn't care. What can you do?
 
2013-05-11 11:12:11 PM

Charlie Chingas: sotua: Bass player, married for ten years.

The reason I'm not getting as much as I'd like? Exhaustion, and a two year old baby who's the biggest cockblock in town.

/still, got properly laid on Friday morning. It's amazing how good sex when you aren't both on the brink of falling asleep like we've been doing for the past year or so.

Ah, babies. Nature's cockblockers.


That's what makes having teenagers fun.  They're grossed out by the thought of their parents having sex.  It is out duty as parents to traumatize the children as much as possible.
 
2013-05-11 11:13:07 PM

Metal: She got fat and doesn't care. What can you do?


Well if your woman gets fat and dont care you have 2 options

1) dump her and find a skinny one

2) break out the flour
 
2013-05-11 11:13:38 PM

Metal: She got fat and doesn't care. What can you do?


Thanks, Johnny Raincloud.
 
2013-05-11 11:17:01 PM
They're clearly not incorporating wendy's buns in an erotic fashion.. Possibly in a dumpster, covered in baco'bits like a cobb salad...
 
2013-05-11 11:17:11 PM

darkjezter: fnordfocus: Beats tech.

Is there any job that pays a reasonably middle-class wage and doesn't make you too lame to date?

I guess fire fighters and cops?

A lot of women find construction workers sexy.


www.libertarianbookclub.com
Indeed.
 
2013-05-11 11:18:24 PM

Smeggy Smurf: Charlie Chingas: sotua: Bass player, married for ten years.

The reason I'm not getting as much as I'd like? Exhaustion, and a two year old baby who's the biggest cockblock in town.

/still, got properly laid on Friday morning. It's amazing how good sex when you aren't both on the brink of falling asleep like we've been doing for the past year or so.

Ah, babies. Nature's cockblockers.

That's what makes having teenagers fun.  They're grossed out by the thought of their parents having sex.  It is out duty as parents to traumatize the children as much as possible.


I was standing in line at the supermarket one evening and a group of three teenage girls were being obnoxious.  Typical stuff, comments about people being too old to do anything.  So after listening to them for a while, I turned to them and said, with a straight face, "your parents still have wild monkey sex."  They looked like they were going to puke.  The cashier was trying not to lose it and kept choking on her giggling.
 
2013-05-11 11:25:32 PM

JerkyMeat: Sex by yourself is still sex, right? Right?


Well, since that's been covered, I have nothing else to add.
 
2013-05-11 11:25:33 PM

TheRealAde: MBA Whore: Honest Question:

Any Farkettes (or Farkers) care to answer:

How can a man approach a random woman in an everyday setting without being creepy?  For example, pretend I was just grocery shopping and saw a random hottie.  She had no ring.  Is there even a way to approach someone in such a random situation?

I am not talking about the bar type scene where you might see "regulars".  I am talking about encountering random people whom you may never again have a chance to ask.

Speaking from experience, if you see someone on the street, in the grocery store, wherever and she really catches your attention, give her a sincere compliment and then carry on.
Example: walking down the street, some random guy walking past me paused and told me that I had really stunning eyes. This was quite a while ago but I still remember it clearly and I am certain that if I had been single I would have turned around, caught up with the guy and told him that he just brightened my day and then introduced myself to see where it led - maybe suggest grabbing a cup of coffee if it seemed right. I believe that something as simple as that really can work as long as its sincere, and not something that is used so frequently that it is obviously just a pick up line. And if it doesn't lead anywhere, know that you have very likely made someone's day better.


I am sure you are sincere, but you really aren't helping.  If you were single?  I believe that something as simple as that can work?

So in your whole life, you were never hit on by a random guy while you were single and have a success story to tell about that?  And as has been mentioned up-thread (and from my own experiences) "what woman say they want in a guy" != "what type of men women want to date"

women say they hate pickup lines, but they have all heard one they love (and probably dated more than enough losers due to some tacky pick-up lines)

To the guy asking the advice, say anything, look up some lines/conversation starters to give you something to work with and try to close quickly.

1.) offer up a compliment or mention what quality about her is causing you to be so bold to strike up a conversation with a complete stranger.
2.) mention that you would like to take her out for a date
3.) give her your contact info
4.) pray that she calls

that's about all you can do, but the most important thing is to put the ball in play and hope she is receptive.

For an example, just rephrase what I just said for #1 to get you somewhere, "Excuse me, I am not one to approach random people in the grocery store, but your eyes are so striking I would never forgive myself if I didn't ask if you would like to get coffee sometime?"
 
2013-05-11 11:34:39 PM

spentmiles: Easy test: When he falls asleep, smell his penis and his rectal opening. If the come and shiat smells have swapped places, go see a divorce lawyer. He's gay.


One of your better efforts.
 
2013-05-11 11:35:31 PM
I've gotten laid twice since Friday night, and a third time probably in the next hour or so.

Suck it, biatches!
 
2013-05-11 11:36:54 PM

MBA Whore: How can a man approach a random woman in an everyday setting without being creepy?  For example, pretend I was just grocery shopping and saw a random hottie.  She had no ring.  Is there even a way to approach someone in such a random situation?


It's pretty simple, really:

1. Be good looking
2. Be attractive
3. Don't be unattractive
 
2013-05-11 11:39:26 PM

mainstreet62: I've gotten laid twice since Friday night, and a third time probably in the next hour or so.

Suck it, biatches!


Your poor mom. She must be exhausted.
 
2013-05-11 11:39:28 PM

OgreMagi: I was standing in line at the supermarket one evening and a group of three teenage girls were being obnoxious.  Typical stuff, comments about people being too old to do anything.  So after listening to them for a while, I turned to them and said, with a straight face, "your parents still have wild monkey sex."  They looked like they were going to puke.  The cashier was trying not to lose it and kept choking on her giggling.


I don't recall what you posted in the past that made me Favorite you, but you just confirmed it.
 
2013-05-11 11:42:56 PM

WhippingBoy: mainstreet62: I've gotten laid twice since Friday night, and a third time probably in the next hour or so.

Suck it, biatches!

Your poor mom. She must be exhausted.


Such dynamic prose! Good one!
 
2013-05-11 11:43:50 PM

mainstreet62: WhippingBoy: mainstreet62: I've gotten laid twice since Friday night, and a third time probably in the next hour or so.

Suck it, biatches!

Your poor mom. She must be exhausted.

Such dynamic prose! Good one!


That's what SHE said!

/homemade bourbon is a harsh mistress
 
2013-05-12 12:48:11 AM

titwrench: I'm calling bullshiat on all of you bass players claiming you're getting laid. Nobody shags the bass player.


Speak for yourself.  I have, frequently, enthusiastically banged the bass player.  Those hands...
 
2013-05-12 01:04:39 AM

fnordfocus: dopekitty74: Being a tax accountant *might* have something to do with that...

Beats tech.

Is there any job that pays a reasonably middle-class wage and doesn't make you too lame to date?

I guess fire fighters and cops?


Hmm...  right now  "Have A Job" is number 1 on my (very short) list of requirements, and there are very few jobs that wouldn't satisfy the "have a job" requirement.
 
2013-05-12 03:28:45 AM

spentmiles: It's probably because your husband is exhausting himself at the local park on his lunch break.  Seriously, I've been a marital counsellor for over a decade.  9 times out of 10, when the sex stops in a relationship, it's because the husband has started getting his shiat packed by the local jean short wearing man stallion.  The other 1 time out of 10, the guy won't admit it.  Closet homosexuality is like the new AIDS of suburbia.  Chances are, if your husband has lost interest in you, he's getting it from a dude behind your back.

Easy test: When he falls asleep, smell his penis and his rectal opening.  If the come and shiat smells have swapped places, go see a divorce lawyer.  He's gay.


Can't "funny" cause I'm mobile, but "funny"x10
 
2013-05-12 03:40:09 AM

MattyBlast: dopekitty74: MattyBlast: I don't get any because I'm not in a relationship.

/match.com member
//eHarmony member
///constantly rejected
////not bad looking, so I'm at a loss as to why
///wish I were dead

Being a tax accountant *might* have something to do with that...

You're the second person to say that. What am I supposed to do, quit my job and become a motorcycle mechanic or something?

I would think that a woman with a brain in her head would consider it a plus that a man is gainfully employed and making decent money.

But what the hell do I know...my dick hasn't gotten wet in years.


Just wanna say that tonight, I went out to a dive bar, met a girl who looked like a chubby Gina Carano (a little heavy but cute face and huge boobs), and ended up taking her back to her place and getting to explore dem tittays and the pussy. And I'm a loser. If I can do it, anyone of you farkers can. I think the key might be approaching a girl and not giving a shiat if it goes well or not.
 
2013-05-12 04:20:21 AM
Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom:

"I think the key might be approaching a girl and not giving a shiat if it goes well or not"

This is true.

There are tons of cues that will tell you if someone is into you or not, and I'm not sure they can be explained. it"s gotta suck if you're autistic or just completely socially inept and unable to pick up on those cues.

As a female, a huge turn-off is guys who are bitter towards women or their ex.

I'm sure rejection isn't easy, but I think it's just one of the things you need to learn to accept and move past, don't take it personally.
 
2013-05-12 04:43:29 AM

WhippingBoy: MBA Whore: How can a man approach a random woman in an everyday setting without being creepy?  For example, pretend I was just grocery shopping and saw a random hottie.  She had no ring.  Is there even a way to approach someone in such a random situation?

It's pretty simple, really:

1. Be good looking
2. Be attractive
3. Don't be unattractive


I like TheRealAde's idea of using the most sincere compliment you can muster, but it doesn't really matter what you say, the hottie you desire will appraise you within seconds, and decide whether she finds you attractive or not. If she finds you unattractive, no matter what you say, you will be considered a creep. If she finds you attractive no matter what you say, she will think it the best comment ever and want to hear more.

Whether or not you are attractive is next to impossible to assess yourself, what is attractive to one woman is not to another.

One thing is certain, if you risk nothing you will never gain anything of importance.
 
2013-05-12 05:12:48 AM
ILoveBurritos:
/maybe I should
//nothing's gonna change


Yes, if you do nothing it's not going to change.  But my ex got treatment that helped a lot.  Didn't cure it but did make it so that we could have sex more often without it being painful for her.  It took a long time for her to break through her denial and actually seek out treatment and finding someone who actually knew something about the condition and was able to do something about it was a big PITA but she was glad that she did.  So it's not hopeless, get on a support group as a first step.
 
2013-05-12 06:16:04 AM

gadian: So a really quiet, shy buddy of mine comes to the dining hall one day in a shirt that had a stitched in name tag that said "Russel".  We were teasing him, eventually calling him Russel the love muscle.  Anyway, these girls sit down near us and my friend really really wanted to get to know one of them.  We wound up collectively paying / daring him over $80 cash for him to go up to her and introduce himself as Russel the Looooove Muscle with pointy gun fingers and everything and to do it loud enough so we could hear.  Long story short, he comes back to the table with her phone number and they go out on a couple of dates.

That's confidence and self-depreciating humor with financial incentive.  If you can't talk to women, try having one of your friends pay you to do so.


I shall call this the gigolo affect.
 
2013-05-12 08:37:21 AM

Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: met a girl who looked like a chubby Gina Carano (a little heavy but cute face and huge boobs),


Had to GIS her. Nice going!
 
2013-05-12 09:03:25 AM
Confidence is key, get it by doing something you've never done before and master it. Even if it's just jerking off with the opposite hand, make it your b*tch. Also realize if a woman's not interested, that's her loss and move on. Sometimes I like to chat before a workout class and the wait can be awkward so I'll spark up a convo with the chick next to me. Maybe I'll ask if she's done the class before or I compliment her shoes. I see it as playing volleyball, I toss the ball and if they don't want to play, I move on. Sometimes to the person right next to them. Laughing is key and showing you're fun. Just last week I had a celebrity hit on me and I blew him off. I didn't like his cocky attitude. Then I go into a cell store and am so turned on by the dorky tech guy. Years ago I was at a bar with a guy friend who was a potential when these guys sat at the table next to us. This blonde kept turning around and handing me shots, when my friend went into the bathroom I asked the guy why are you hitting on me? What if he's my boyfriend? He said, doesn't matter, I know I can take you from him. They were the about the same in looks, but he was right, take me he did. Also guys, here's something I've realized getting older, women in there thirties are super horny, keep a condom in your pocket.
 
2013-05-12 11:00:49 AM

ElizaDoolittle: MattyBlast: I don't get any because I'm not in a relationship.

/match.com member
//eHarmony member
///constantly rejected
////not bad looking, so I'm at a loss as to why
///wish I were dead


Tax accountant from the Southwestern Connecticut area, recently transplanted from the greater Brew City area in Wisconsin. Alumnus bass player for Milwaukee rock band Random Maxx (randommaxx.com). Novice skydiver with Sky Knights Sport Parachute Club ("novice" means I suck, but everyone should have fun doing something they suck at). Otherwise, I'm just an ordinary guy with a job who does stuff.


Finance guy, not at all bad-looking, from WI, still love the PNW but in CT now and appreciating the New England winters.  I play bass for a local band and I like to skydive, but you don't have to like either.  I'd love to meet a Catherine Keener-type woman: smart, sexy, knowing, kick-ass.



Wow. Once again, one example is worth a hundred explanations.
 
2013-05-12 11:03:30 AM

Gulper Eel: sotua: Exhaustion, and a two year old baby who's the biggest cockblock in town.

Wait until you have more than one kid...then the following stars have to align for the bow-chicka-bow to commence:

* both kids asleep
* both kids STAYING asleep
* both parents somehow not exhausted after doing whatever it took to get the kids to be tired enough that they'd stay asleep
* neither parent hacked off at some stupid shiat the other one did
* okay, amend that last one to: wife not hacked off at you because of something you did. Or didn't do. Or something that never happened anywhere outside the confines of her fevered imagination but is still your fault
* cats both asleep and not prowling, begging for food, vomiting on something, standing on you, etc.
* Aunt Flo's not in the house
* neither one of you have let yourself go to the point where you no longer want some of that
* the kids haven't brought home one of those virulent school plagues that lays you out flat for a week


Soooooo true
 
2013-05-12 11:36:37 AM
MattyBlast - my experience has been that date websites are full of shiat. Also, consider this: each real female profile likely receives 50+ emails per day. No one, man or woman, can keep up with that.
 
2013-05-12 11:44:19 AM
Peruvianprincess - Am I correctly reading your post? You went out with one guy who had potential, but you went home with another guy that night from the same bar?
 
2013-05-12 11:51:02 AM

Smeggy Smurf: Charlie Chingas: sotua: Bass player, married for ten years.

The reason I'm not getting as much as I'd like? Exhaustion, and a two year old baby who's the biggest cockblock in town.

/still, got properly laid on Friday morning. It's amazing how good sex when you aren't both on the brink of falling asleep like we've been doing for the past year or so.

Ah, babies. Nature's cockblockers.

That's what makes having teenagers fun.  They're grossed out by the thought of their parents having sex.  It is out duty as parents to traumatize the children as much as possible.


HA! One day the little dickweeds were complaining about us asking them to go to bed early. "But it's Friday!" They kept giving us grief. "We're going to have sex and don't want you bugging us."

They no longer question us...
 
2013-05-12 12:15:22 PM
Honestly, I just don't want to have sex with anyone, let alone my wife. It's too much hassle and I can take care of business myself when I feel the need.

/not sure if depressed or just lazy.
 
2013-05-12 01:18:25 PM

slidillon: Honestly, I just don't want to have sex with anyone, let alone my wife. It's too much hassle and I can take care of business myself when I feel the need.

/not sure if depressed or just lazy.


If sex is a "hassle", you are seriously depressed or doing it really, really wrong.
 
2013-05-12 11:43:53 PM

slidillon: Honestly, I just don't want to have sex with anyone, let alone my wife. It's too much hassle and I can take care of business myself when I feel the need.

/not sure if depressed or just lazy.


You're depressed.  Get help.  Or your wife is mean and fat. But probably you're depressed.
 
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