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(US Magazine)   Police say the lead singer of the Grammy nominated metal band "As I Lay Dying" forgot the cardinal rule: Unless you are a Mob boss or the head of the CIA, anyone you try to hire as a hitman is really an undercover cop   (usmagazine.com) divider line 154
    More: Dumbass, Tim Lambesis, CIA, Grammy, heavy metal bands  
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4156 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 08 May 2013 at 12:45 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-05-08 01:31:10 PM  

orange whip: My friend has a name for metal bands with screaming (read: not singing) front men: Cock Rock cuz only 14-25 year old men like that shiat


Your friend's a real wordsmith.
 
2013-05-08 01:32:22 PM  
More like "As I Lay Crying", am I right?
www.wordandfilm.com
And why do all the singers in metal sound like Cookie Monster?
 
2013-05-08 01:33:26 PM  
This band lives in the same town as I do.

/never heard of em
 
2013-05-08 01:36:34 PM  
guess I'm out of touch.  Never heard of this band.
 
2013-05-08 01:36:53 PM  
I have never, ever, ever entertained the idea of murdering my wife/girlfriend. But if I did, I would dress like a lumberjack with fake beard & mustache, plaid hat and all, and of course workman's gloves. Go to the hardware store up in the next county and buy a gas powered wood chipper with cash. Then I would plant said wood chipper about 678 yards up in the woods off old county rd. 312 just off that dirt road on the right that is 1.23 miles past the abandoned post office. Next I would lure my wife/GF for a leisurely picnic in the woods, making sure she had no jewelry or personal belongings with her...like phone, purse, etc. Then, after plying her with roofie laced wine, I would disrobe her and send her body head first into wood chipper, making sure to collect any teeth that may have passed unharmed. I would bundle up her clothes and take them back home with me and simply put them in the wash.

But again, the idea of killing her has never crossed my mind.
 
2013-05-08 01:38:12 PM  
There is also a corollary: Just because your IT guy is Russian does not mean that he has connections to the Russian Mob.  That's what the noted Seattle opthamologist Dr. Mockovac learned a few years ago.

/He might just be a guy.
//With a friend who works for the FBI.
 
2013-05-08 01:39:21 PM  
Zombie Eater:
And why do all the singers in metal sound like Cookie Monster?

Ha!  Cookie Monster.  That's an astute observation you've made there.
 
2013-05-08 01:39:35 PM  

orange whip: My friend has a name for metal bands with screaming (read: not singing) front men: Cock Rock cuz only 14-25 year old men like that shiat


Funny, we used to say the same thing about 80's hair bands when they'd worn out their welcome.
 
2013-05-08 01:40:19 PM  

Zombie Eater: More like "As I Lay Crying", am I right?

And why do all the singers in metal sound like Cookie Monster?


They sound like dying moose or something

/if you're gonna sound like cookie monster, then we may as well write a song about cookies
 
2013-05-08 01:40:47 PM  

Plant Rights Activist: hitman is just a terrible idea for a job.  What are people willing to pay to off people? $10k?  Whoopty freakin' do.  You'd need to off 100 people just to get the 1 mil to retire and that's if you aren't looking at any business expenses.  High risk low payout.  Even if they can pay you a decent amount to do it how do you guarantee payment?  It's not like you can take someone to court if they decide not to pay you and really, how often are people going to need repeat business?


You cannot make a living as a retail murder provider. Even if you are a mob hitman you will need to diversify to keep up a decent revenue stream. I... I mean someone I know ... maybe I'll just shut up now.
 
2013-05-08 01:41:37 PM  

Dee Snarl: Zombie Eater:
And why do all the singers in metal sound like Cookie Monster?

Ha!  Cookie Monster.  That's an astute observation you've made there.


Please do not anger the Cookie Monster
 
2013-05-08 01:42:38 PM  
I wonder if he prayed about finding a good hitman.
 
2013-05-08 01:44:44 PM  

Magorn: Yakk: I don't get this at all, if you have watched even a few Law and Order episodes you should be able to pull off a murder and know that unless your hit man dies of an OD you aren't going to get away with it that way... and they will get you when you try it again on your next wife.

Well, clearly, the only way to make this work is to hire a guy with a long criminal record that includes burglary and then arrange the hit in such a way that you can credibly claim to walk in on him just after he's finished the deed, and shoot him as a prowler.  That way, you leave no witnesses AND as a bonus, you don;t even have to pay him the other half of his fee.


I think I saw that Colombo.
 
2013-05-08 01:47:28 PM  

Alonjar: Plant Rights Activist: hitman is just a terrible idea for a job.  What are people willing to pay to off people? $10k?  Whoopty freakin' do.  You'd need to off 100 people just to get the 1 mil to retire and that's if you aren't looking at any business expenses.  High risk low payout.   Even if they can pay you a decent amount to do it how do you guarantee payment?  It's not like you can take someone to court if they decide not to pay you and really, how often are people going to need repeat business?

Are you for real?  Its a hitman dude.  You  always pay the hitman.  Why?  Because he farking kills people for money...  what do you think he's going to do if you dont pay him?  Take YOU to court?  fark no, he's gonna kill your ass too


So... you get no money and two murders to your name... more than doubling your chances of getting caught and you have to find another client... this hitman business looks terrible.
 
2013-05-08 01:51:13 PM  
Also: every underage girl you try to pick up in a chatroom is really an FBI guy setting you up for a sting.
 
2013-05-08 01:53:13 PM  
I heard the band 'My Dying Bride' is planning on suing for copyright infringement.
 
2013-05-08 01:53:34 PM  

topcon: This is why I always outsource my murder-for-hire plots to Indian subcontractors.


That would be an interesting call...

*brrrrng!*
"Thanks be to you for calling Wee-kill--um industries.  My name is Ghar---uh, "Steve".  How may I help you?"

"Yeah, look, I need a job done quick."

"Very much to be understood sir!  May I have your Criminal Client card number?"

"What? No, look, I need to--"

"May I have your Criminal Client card number?"

"I don't HAVE a Criminal Client number yet, I ---"

"Ah, very good sir! I am transferring your call to Sales...."

"Nooooooo!"
 
2013-05-08 01:57:51 PM  

Lemmy Kilmister: Please.

that's not "singing" . not even close. Screaming with aggressive music is just that, screaming.

you can polish a turd until it shines, but it's still a turd.


lol

Also, "metal" band.
 
2013-05-08 01:58:45 PM  

ObscureNameHere: topcon: This is why I always outsource my murder-for-hire plots to Indian subcontractors.

That would be an interesting call...

*brrrrng!*
"Thanks be to you for calling Wee-kill--um industries.  My name is Ghar---uh, "Steve".  How may I help you?"

"Yeah, look, I need a job done quick."

"Very much to be understood sir!  May I have your Criminal Client card number?"

"What? No, look, I need to--"

"May I have your Criminal Client card number?"

"I don't HAVE a Criminal Client number yet, I ---"

"Ah, very good sir! I am transferring your call to Sales...."

"Nooooooo!"


"The target is still alive!"

"Have you tried rebooting them?"
 
2013-05-08 02:00:06 PM  

LovingTeacher: ObscureNameHere: topcon: This is why I always outsource my murder-for-hire plots to Indian subcontractors.

That would be an interesting call...

*brrrrng!*
"Thanks be to you for calling Wee-kill--um industries.  My name is Ghar---uh, "Steve".  How may I help you?"

"Yeah, look, I need a job done quick."

"Very much to be understood sir!  May I have your Criminal Client card number?"

"What? No, look, I need to--"

"May I have your Criminal Client card number?"

"I don't HAVE a Criminal Client number yet, I ---"

"Ah, very good sir! I am transferring your call to Sales...."

"Nooooooo!"

"The target is still alive!"

"Have you tried reshooting them?"


FTFY
 
2013-05-08 02:01:29 PM  
Cheron:  "...years of working the phones and talking to salespeople have made here a little morally flexible."

I am stealing that phrase.
Fair and square.
 
2013-05-08 02:03:51 PM  

No Time To Explain: Zombie Eater: More like "As I Lay Crying", am I right?

And why do all the singers in metal sound like Cookie Monster?

They sound like dying moose or something

/if you're gonna sound like cookie monster, then we may as well write a song about cookies


Got five band members to feed.
 
2013-05-08 02:08:08 PM  

99.998er: I have never, ever, ever entertained the idea of murdering my wife/girlfriend. But if I did, I would dress like a lumberjack with fake beard & mustache, plaid hat and all, and of course workman's gloves. Go to the hardware store up in the next county and buy a gas powered wood chipper with cash. Then I would plant said wood chipper about 678 yards up in the woods off old county rd. 312 just off that dirt road on the right that is 1.23 miles past the abandoned post office. Next I would lure my wife/GF for a leisurely picnic in the woods, making sure she had no jewelry or personal belongings with her...like phone, purse, etc. Then, after plying her with roofie laced wine, I would disrobe her and send her body head first into wood chipper, making sure to collect any teeth that may have passed unharmed. I would bundle up her clothes and take them back home with me and simply put them in the wash.

But again, the idea of killing her has never crossed my mind.


Is the thought of using the wood chipper to punish her corpse to dispose of evidence?  It would seem to me that a wood chipper would actually be spraying evidence everywhere, and blood and bits of bone and hair would be impossible to completely clean from the chipper so now the chipper itself is a big hunk of evidence.

Seems the best way to get rid of a body is to dissolve it in acid like in Breaking Bad.
 
2013-05-08 02:11:40 PM  

Plant Rights Activist: hitman is just a terrible idea for a job.  What are people willing to pay to off people? $10k?  Whoopty freakin' do.  You'd need to off 100 people just to get the 1 mil to retire and that's if you aren't looking at any business expenses.  High risk low payout.  Even if they can pay you a decent amount to do it how do you guarantee payment?  It's not like you can take someone to court if they decide not to pay you and really, how often are people going to need repeat business?


People who take this up as a career choice--or even a summer job--are generally not very good planners.
 
2013-05-08 02:11:59 PM  

Carn: No Time To Explain: Zombie Eater: More like "As I Lay Crying", am I right?

And why do all the singers in metal sound like Cookie Monster?

They sound like dying moose or something

/if you're gonna sound like cookie monster, then we may as well write a song about cookies

Got five band members to feed.


www.empireonline.com
 
2013-05-08 02:12:09 PM  

Lemmy Kilmister: Please.

that's not "singing" . not even close. Screaming with aggressive music is just that, screaming.



How else do you convey the inherent pain  involved with being a bourgeois upper middle class suburban white kid in America?  The cheerleaders wouldn't fark me in high school.  My dad would often try to make lame jokes around my friends.   My parents couldn't even afford to pay or a private education, and I was forced to go to a state college.

Just try to wrap your head around that level of human suffering, if you have the imagination for it.
 
2013-05-08 02:20:53 PM  
James Franco?
 
2013-05-08 02:23:18 PM  

manimal2878: 99.998er:

Is the thought of using the wood chipper to punish her corpse to dispose of evidence?  It would seem to me that a wood chipper would actually be spraying evidence everywhere, and blood and bits of bone and hair would be impossible to completely clean from the chipper so now the chipper itself is a big hunk of evidence.

Seems the best way to get rid of a body is to dissolve it in acid like in Breaking Bad.


I have never seen "Breaking Bad". Gruesome things creep me out.
 
2013-05-08 02:25:35 PM  

FARK rebel soldier: [flowingdata.com image 850x386]
Madame Chancellor, ve must not allow... a metal gap!


WTF, Tibet. Get your shiat together.
 
2013-05-08 02:27:09 PM  

InmanRoshi: Lemmy Kilmister: Please.

that's not "singing" . not even close. Screaming with aggressive music is just that, screaming.


How else do you convey the inherent pain  involved with being a bourgeois upper middle class suburban white kid in America?  The cheerleaders wouldn't fark me in high school.  My dad would often try to make lame jokes around my friends.   My parents couldn't even afford to pay or a private education, and I was forced to go to a state college.

Just try to wrap your head around that level of human suffering, if you have the imagination for it.



White People Problems.
 
2013-05-08 02:42:43 PM  

No Time To Explain: Lemmy Kilmister: Please.

that's not "singing" . not even close. Screaming with aggressive music is just that, screaming.

you can polish a turd until it shines, but it's still a turd.

Don't like metal because you can't understand the lyrics?
Nicki Minaj must be a true poet

/I keed, partially
//lot of good metal bands that have understandable, thought provoking/meaningful lyrics, and many where it's instrumental
///love me my metal


I think you missed the point. I love metal and I agree with him. It's screaming. all it what it is or call them vocalists, but it's definitely not singing. Where did he ever say anything about the lyrical content?
 
2013-05-08 02:44:09 PM  

99.998er: I have never, ever, ever entertained the idea of murdering my wife/girlfriend. But if I did, I would dress like a lumberjack with fake beard & mustache, plaid hat and all, and of course workman's gloves. Go to the hardware store up in the next county and buy a gas powered wood chipper with cash. Then I would plant said wood chipper about 678 yards up in the woods off old county rd. 312 just off that dirt road on the right that is 1.23 miles past the abandoned post office. Next I would lure my wife/GF for a leisurely picnic in the woods, making sure she had no jewelry or personal belongings with her...like phone, purse, etc. Then, after plying her with roofie laced wine, I would disrobe her and send her body head first into wood chipper, making sure to collect any teeth that may have passed unharmed. I would bundle up her clothes and take them back home with me and simply put them in the wash.

But again, the idea of killing her has never crossed my mind.


Hey, it's OJ Simpson!
 
2013-05-08 02:49:54 PM  

Hella Fark: FARK rebel soldier: [flowingdata.com image 850x386]
Madame Chancellor, ve must not allow... a metal gap!

nordic countries are also some of the biggest coffee consumers.. coincidence? ;)


No wonder we go through coffee so fast. Mom and grandma are both straight outta Norway. They've been blaming ME this entire time.

/they must be having secret Lutheran meetings
//like sekrit Muslin meetings, but with waffles and coffee
 
2013-05-08 02:50:35 PM  

manimal2878: 99.998er: I have never, ever, ever entertained the idea of murdering my wife/girlfriend. But if I did, I would dress like a lumberjack with fake beard & mustache, plaid hat and all, and of course workman's gloves. Go to the hardware store up in the next county and buy a gas powered wood chipper with cash. Then I would plant said wood chipper about 678 yards up in the woods off old county rd. 312 just off that dirt road on the right that is 1.23 miles past the abandoned post office. Next I would lure my wife/GF for a leisurely picnic in the woods, making sure she had no jewelry or personal belongings with her...like phone, purse, etc. Then, after plying her with roofie laced wine, I would disrobe her and send her body head first into wood chipper, making sure to collect any teeth that may have passed unharmed. I would bundle up her clothes and take them back home with me and simply put them in the wash.

But again, the idea of killing her has never crossed my mind.

Is the thought of using the wood chipper to punish her corpse to dispose of evidence?  It would seem to me that a wood chipper would actually be spraying evidence everywhere, and blood and bits of bone and hair would be impossible to completely clean from the chipper so now the chipper itself is a big hunk of evidence.

Seems the best way to get rid of a body is to dissolve it in acid like in Breaking Bad.


In every movie and TV show, writers are encouraged to leave a "crucial" detail out of a "foolproof" criminal plan so that law enforcement can easily nab such perpetrators. Why do you think guns don't work at all like in TV, nor is there anything like iocaine powder?
 
2013-05-08 02:55:23 PM  

Fano: In every movie and TV show, writers are encouraged to leave a "crucial" detail out of a "foolproof" criminal plan so that law enforcement can easily nab such perpetrators. Why do you think guns don't work at all like in TV, nor is there anything like iocaine powder?


My favorite TV hitman was from an episode of Law and Order, a pudgy, bald guy with a little dog.  He was busted because people remembered the dog.  His MO was walk the dog, perform the hit, put the gun in the bag of dog poop, stick around and talk to the police giving a description of the shooter.
 
kab
2013-05-08 02:56:48 PM  

Lemmy Kilmister: no talent, no merit.


psst.  you might want to check out the name you're posting under before you start wagging your finger about folks who don't sing.
 
2013-05-08 02:58:39 PM  

No Time To Explain: Well, there goes the Austrian Death Machine album.


www.deadredart.com
 
2013-05-08 02:59:58 PM  

offacue: A lot of people who go to prison find Jesus and turn their life around.  Maybe he will be one of the lucky ones.


What do you mean?  One of the lucky ones who is able to avoid the Sky Faerie brigade in prison?
 
2013-05-08 03:04:01 PM  

Fano: manimal2878: 99.998er: I have never, ever, ever entertained the idea of murdering my wife/girlfriend. But if I did, I would dress like a lumberjack with fake beard & mustache, plaid hat and all, and of course workman's gloves. Go to the hardware store up in the next county and buy a gas powered wood chipper with cash. Then I would plant said wood chipper about 678 yards up in the woods off old county rd. 312 just off that dirt road on the right that is 1.23 miles past the abandoned post office. Next I would lure my wife/GF for a leisurely picnic in the woods, making sure she had no jewelry or personal belongings with her...like phone, purse, etc. Then, after plying her with roofie laced wine, I would disrobe her and send her body head first into wood chipper, making sure to collect any teeth that may have passed unharmed. I would bundle up her clothes and take them back home with me and simply put them in the wash.

But again, the idea of killing her has never crossed my mind.

Is the thought of using the wood chipper to punish her corpse to dispose of evidence?  It would seem to me that a wood chipper would actually be spraying evidence everywhere, and blood and bits of bone and hair would be impossible to completely clean from the chipper so now the chipper itself is a big hunk of evidence.

Seems the best way to get rid of a body is to dissolve it in acid like in Breaking Bad.

In every movie and TV show, writers are encouraged to leave a "crucial" detail out of a "foolproof" criminal plan so that law enforcement can easily nab such perpetrators. Why do you think guns don't work at all like in TV, nor is there anything like iocaine powder?


While yes "Breaking Bad" does simplify things over much (and no one really has a reason to have that much HF lieing around and it is a rather deadly poison) bodies can be disolved in sulfuric acid (faster if it's heated up) or lye (NaOH or KOH) again faster if it's heated up. Dissolving in lye is now being used as an alternative to cremation and lye is easier to come by in large, untraceable quantities than sulfuric acid. If you want ot get rid of all the evidence dissolving is best, you may ave a few bits of bones and teeth left over but those can be ground up or tossed into a river.

/not that I've given it any thought
//nor researched it at all
///She was alive last time I saw her
 
2013-05-08 03:24:17 PM  

mortimer_ford: WTF, Tibet. Get your shiat together.


Even Mongolia is doing better
userserve-ak.last.fm
 
2013-05-08 03:34:30 PM  
si0.twimg.com

Count Grishnackh is amused
 
2013-05-08 03:37:05 PM  

Zombie Eater: orange whip: My friend has a name for metal bands with screaming (read: not singing) front men: Cock Rock cuz only 14-25 year old men like that shiat

Funny, we used to say the same thing about 80's hair bands when they'd worn out their welcome.


THIS

Poison, Crüe, Warrant, Slaughter, Trixter, G'nR, all those LA glam bands. That's true cock rock.
 
2013-05-08 03:41:12 PM  

TheBlackFlag: offacue: A lot of people who go to prison find Jesus and turn their life around.  Maybe he will be one of the lucky ones.

What do you mean?  One of the lucky ones who is able to avoid the Sky Faerie brigade in prison?


(I think the joke is that As I Lay Dying is a "Christian" band)
 
2013-05-08 03:42:11 PM  

Snapper Carr: [si0.twimg.com image 500x400]

Count Grishnackh is amused


He shouldn't be. Look what happened to him
3.bp.blogspot.com
 
2013-05-08 04:29:13 PM  
Well, he doesn't have the fanatic sort of listeners he could direct to kill people.
 
2013-05-08 04:43:25 PM  
My mother is a fish.
 
2013-05-08 05:13:38 PM  

triptheory: TheBlackFlag: offacue: A lot of people who go to prison find Jesus and turn their life around.  Maybe he will be one of the lucky ones.

What do you mean?  One of the lucky ones who is able to avoid the Sky Faerie brigade in prison?

(I think the joke is that As I Lay Dying is a "Christian" band)


When he puts on the traditional cartoon prison garb, will he be a Stryper?
 
2013-05-08 05:14:15 PM  
How to kill your wife and get away with it.


Take her Kayaking, and get attacked by a "shark"
 
2013-05-08 05:16:44 PM  

manimal2878: 99.998er: I have never, ever, ever entertained the idea of murdering my wife/girlfriend. But if I did, I would dress like a lumberjack with fake beard & mustache, plaid hat and all, and of course workman's gloves. Go to the hardware store up in the next county and buy a gas powered wood chipper with cash. Then I would plant said wood chipper about 678 yards up in the woods off old county rd. 312 just off that dirt road on the right that is 1.23 miles past the abandoned post office. Next I would lure my wife/GF for a leisurely picnic in the woods, making sure she had no jewelry or personal belongings with her...like phone, purse, etc. Then, after plying her with roofie laced wine, I would disrobe her and send her body head first into wood chipper, making sure to collect any teeth that may have passed unharmed. I would bundle up her clothes and take them back home with me and simply put them in the wash.

But again, the idea of killing her has never crossed my mind.

Is the thought of using the wood chipper to punish her corpse to dispose of evidence?  It would seem to me that a wood chipper would actually be spraying evidence everywhere, and blood and bits of bone and hair would be impossible to completely clean from the chipper so now the chipper itself is a big hunk of evidence.

Seems the best way to get rid of a body is to dissolve it in acid like in Breaking Bad.


Pig farm
 
2013-05-08 05:17:14 PM  
Unless you are a Mob boss or the head of the CIA, anyone you try to hire as a hitman is really an undercover cop

I suspect that that applies to every hot underage teen that you solicit on the internet as well. I have no desire or plans to verify that theory, however.
 
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