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(US Magazine)   Police say the lead singer of the Grammy nominated metal band "As I Lay Dying" forgot the cardinal rule: Unless you are a Mob boss or the head of the CIA, anyone you try to hire as a hitman is really an undercover cop   (usmagazine.com) divider line 154
    More: Dumbass, Tim Lambesis, CIA, Grammy, heavy metal bands  
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4154 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 08 May 2013 at 12:45 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-05-08 12:46:14 PM
This is why I always outsource my murder-for-hire plots to Indian subcontractors.
 
2013-05-08 12:46:57 PM
I saw them live about 8 years ago.

I doubt anything associated with their music could be called singing.
 
2013-05-08 12:50:33 PM
I think the receptionist where I work hires out for stuff like this.  She really isn't that bad of a person, just years of working the phones and talking to salespeople have made here a little morally flexible.
 
2013-05-08 12:51:13 PM
I don't get this at all, if you have watched even a few Law and Order episodes you should be able to pull off a murder and know that unless your hit man dies of an OD you aren't going to get away with it that way... and they will get you when you try it again on your next wife.
 
2013-05-08 12:51:59 PM

topcon: This is why I always outsource my murder-for-hire plots to Indian subcontractors.


*pro-tip, they become more controllable, but less effective under the Black Sleep of Kali
 
2013-05-08 12:52:00 PM
That's a real nice Christian band you have there.  Would be a shame if anything happened to it.

/sigh
 
2013-05-08 12:52:01 PM
www.mbird.com
 
2013-05-08 12:53:27 PM
The best under cover hitman can be found working at fast food, and you know they're not cops.
 
2013-05-08 12:53:37 PM
Hiring someone to murder another for you is so not metal. It's just lazy is what it is.
 
2013-05-08 12:59:01 PM
Well, there goes the next Austrian Death Machine album
 
2013-05-08 12:59:27 PM

Cheron: I think the receptionist where I work hires out for stuff like this.  She really isn't that bad of a person, just years of working the phones and talking to salespeople have made here a little morally flexible.


What someone who is morally flexible may look like

4.bp.blogspot.com

encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com
 
2013-05-08 01:00:38 PM
Black Metal is not impresed by your pathetic attempts
 
2013-05-08 01:01:57 PM
hitman is just a terrible idea for a job.  What are people willing to pay to off people? $10k?  Whoopty freakin' do.  You'd need to off 100 people just to get the 1 mil to retire and that's if you aren't looking at any business expenses.  High risk low payout.  Even if they can pay you a decent amount to do it how do you guarantee payment?  It's not like you can take someone to court if they decide not to pay you and really, how often are people going to need repeat business?
 
2013-05-08 01:01:59 PM
"Got a problem? Odds against you? Call the Equalizer. 212 555 4200"
 
2013-05-08 01:02:37 PM
www.let.rug.nl

cdn.openculture.com
 
2013-05-08 01:02:43 PM
Can't wait for the heavy metal version of "Folsom Prison Blues".
 
2013-05-08 01:03:20 PM
Hey man! Tuuuurn it up! It's "I Lost my Freedom Rock"!
 
2013-05-08 01:04:11 PM
Please.

that's not "singing" . not even close. Screaming with aggressive music is just that, screaming.

you can polish a turd until it shines, but it's still a turd.
 
2013-05-08 01:05:34 PM

uncleacid: Can't wait for the heavy metal version of "Folsom Prison Blues".


D.O.A. turned it into "Folsom Prison Dirge", but they're punk, is that close enough?
 
2013-05-08 01:05:48 PM

topcon: This is why I always outsource my murder-for-hire plots to Indian subcontractors.


topcon: This is why I always outsource my murder-for-hire plots to Indian subcontractors.



That is a cunning plan until the Indian subcontractors subcontract to blacks: Link
 
2013-05-08 01:05:55 PM

No Time To Explain: Well, there goes the next Austrian Death Machine album


Nah... We'll just have to wait 2 to 10 years for it.

Brutal.
 
2013-05-08 01:06:21 PM

Real Women Drink Akvavit: Hiring someone to murder another for you is so not metal. It's just lazy is what it is.


THIS. Hiring unwitting red herrings? Definitely. Hiring alibis? Maybe. But the deed itself, that's just taking outsourcing waaaay too far.
 
2013-05-08 01:07:35 PM

Lemmy Kilmister: Please.

that's not "singing" . not even close. Screaming with aggressive music is just that, screaming.

you can polish a turd until it shines, but it's still a turd.


Don't like metal because you can't understand the lyrics?
Nicki Minaj must be a true poet

/I keed, partially
//lot of good metal bands that have understandable, thought provoking/meaningful lyrics, and many where it's instrumental
///love me my metal
 
2013-05-08 01:08:04 PM
Yeah, he's an idiot to the inth degree. He should have hired a roadie to do the job, then packed that guy off to Istanbul without a way home.
 
2013-05-08 01:08:18 PM

99.998er: topcon: This is why I always outsource my murder-for-hire plots to Indian subcontractors.

topcon: This is why I always outsource my murder-for-hire plots to Indian subcontractors.


That is a cunning plan until the Indian subcontractors subcontract to blacks: Link


Oops!  http://www.wsbtv.com/news/news/hit-man-guilty-in-atlanta-murder-for-h i re-trial/nJXDq/
 
2013-05-08 01:09:31 PM

No Time To Explain: Lemmy Kilmister: Please.

that's not "singing" . not even close. Screaming with aggressive music is just that, screaming.

you can polish a turd until it shines, but it's still a turd.

Don't like metal because you can't understand the lyrics?
Nicki Minaj must be a true poet

/I keed, partially
//lot of good metal bands that have understandable, thought provoking/meaningful lyrics, and many where it's instrumental
///love me my metal


Rob Halford sings
Dio sang
Doro Pesch sings

this asshole just screams

no talent, no merit.
 
2013-05-08 01:09:34 PM

Real Women Drink Akvavit: Hiring someone to murder another for you is so not metal. It's just lazy is what it is.


Mayhem totally agrees.
 
2013-05-08 01:10:02 PM
flowingdata.com
Madame Chancellor, ve must not allow... a metal gap!
 
2013-05-08 01:10:20 PM

Desquamation: No Time To Explain: Well, there goes the next Austrian Death Machine album

Nah... We'll just have to wait 2 to 10 years for it.

Brutal.


Double brutal?

/maybe triple?
//funny how I love the adm tunes for it's parody metal, but never liked aild
///still, what the fark led to the hitman story?
 
2013-05-08 01:10:52 PM

No Time To Explain: Well, there goes the next Austrian Death Machine album


Totally Brutal man.
 
2013-05-08 01:11:51 PM

FARK rebel soldier: [flowingdata.com image 850x386]
Madame Chancellor Mister President, ve must not allow... a metal gap!


What the fark, brain.
 
2013-05-08 01:14:03 PM

Lemmy Kilmister: No Time To Explain: Lemmy Kilmister: Please.

that's not "singing" . not even close. Screaming with aggressive music is just that, screaming.

you can polish a turd until it shines, but it's still a turd.

Don't like metal because you can't understand the lyrics?
Nicki Minaj must be a true poet

/I keed, partially
//lot of good metal bands that have understandable, thought provoking/meaningful lyrics, and many where it's instrumental
///love me my metal

Rob Halford sings
Dio sang
Doro Pesch sings

this asshole just screams

no talent, no merit.


There's talent involved for some of the best, even if you don't like it.  Lemmy Kilminster is a pretty god awful singer, even though he's got a cool gravelly voice, but I still like Motorhead.
 
2013-05-08 01:14:23 PM

FARK rebel soldier: [flowingdata.com image 850x386]
Madame Chancellor, ve must not allow... a metal gap!


nordic countries are also some of the biggest coffee consumers.. coincidence? ;)
 
2013-05-08 01:15:12 PM

Lemmy Kilmister: No Time To Explain: Lemmy Kilmister: Please.

that's not "singing" . not even close. Screaming with aggressive music is just that, screaming.

you can polish a turd until it shines, but it's still a turd.

Don't like metal because you can't understand the lyrics?
Nicki Minaj must be a true poet

/I keed, partially
//lot of good metal bands that have understandable, thought provoking/meaningful lyrics, and many where it's instrumental
///love me my metal

Rob Halford sings
Dio sang
Doro Pesch sings

this asshole just screams

no talent, no merit.


Not arguing with you there, needs to be a proper 80'a revival

/like I stated, adm is the only thing I like from Tim, there's still guttural vocals I can enjoy, Opeth, LoG, (Dethklok gets honourable mention for being an awesome parody at the genre)
//Dio was the rare guy who could sing about rainbows and still be manly
 
2013-05-08 01:15:22 PM
A lot of people who go to prison find Jesus and turn their life around.  Maybe he will be one of the lucky ones.
 
2013-05-08 01:16:05 PM
No Time To Explain:
///still, what the fark led to the hitman story?

I wonder if that kick starter campaign was collecting money for something other than the next ADM album.

/Adjusts tinfoil
 
2013-05-08 01:16:36 PM

Plant Rights Activist: Even if they can pay you a decent amount to do it how do you guarantee payment?  It's not like you can take someone to court if they decide not to pay you and really, how often are people going to need repeat business?


?

Who's going to stiff a professional killer?
 
2013-05-08 01:17:33 PM

Desquamation: No Time To Explain:
///still, what the fark led to the hitman story?

I wonder if that kick starter campaign was collecting money for something other than the next ADM album.

/Adjusts tinfoil


Hmmm

/interdasting
//was going to donate/expect product once final, but hit a poor spell
 
2013-05-08 01:19:23 PM

TheBlackFlag: "Got a problem? Odds against you? Call the Equalizer. 212 555 4200"


I think

"Pick up the phone
I'm always home,
Call me any time,
36, 24, 36, 0 (oh?),
I lead a life of crime"

is more appropriate.

The Equalizer would never have stooped to ex-wife murder.
 
2013-05-08 01:20:56 PM

Yakk: I don't get this at all, if you have watched even a few Law and Order episodes you should be able to pull off a murder and know that unless your hit man dies of an OD you aren't going to get away with it that way... and they will get you when you try it again on your next wife.


Well, clearly, the only way to make this work is to hire a guy with a long criminal record that includes burglary and then arrange the hit in such a way that you can credibly claim to walk in on him just after he's finished the deed, and shoot him as a prowler.  That way, you leave no witnesses AND as a bonus, you don;t even have to pay him the other half of his fee.
 
2013-05-08 01:23:21 PM
My friend has a name for metal bands with screaming (read: not singing) front men: Cock Rock cuz only 14-25 year old men like that shiat
 
2013-05-08 01:23:21 PM
Judging by the dumb, long name of the band, I am guessing these guys are one of those eyeliner and emo bangs bands?

Seems like there are a bunch of these out there.

Good riddance.
 
2013-05-08 01:23:46 PM

offacue: A lot of people who go to prison find Jesus and turn their life around.  Maybe he will be one of the lucky ones.


He supposedly already found him- that's what makes this SO much funnier.

Farking hypocrites. Love it. My Reasonable self is laughing at this asshole and anyone else who preaches "The Truth".
 
2013-05-08 01:27:14 PM

offacue: A lot of people who go to prison find Jesus and turn their life around.  Maybe he will be one of the lucky ones.


That'd be his Latino cellmate, I assume.
 
2013-05-08 01:27:17 PM

LovingTeacher: TheBlackFlag: "Got a problem? Odds against you? Call the Equalizer. 212 555 4200"

I think

"Pick up the phone
I'm always home,
Call me any time,
36, 24, 36, 0 (oh?),
I lead a life of crime"

is more appropriate.


Calling Mr. Lee
Nice reference. Tell him the dog is turning blue
 
2013-05-08 01:27:51 PM

Plant Rights Activist: hitman is just a terrible idea for a job.  What are people willing to pay to off people? $10k?  Whoopty freakin' do.  You'd need to off 100 people just to get the 1 mil to retire and that's if you aren't looking at any business expenses.  High risk low payout.   Even if they can pay you a decent amount to do it how do you guarantee payment?  It's not like you can take someone to court if they decide not to pay you and really, how often are people going to need repeat business?


Are you for real?  Its a hitman dude.  You  always pay the hitman.  Why?  Because he farking kills people for money...  what do you think he's going to do if you dont pay him?  Take YOU to court?  fark no, he's gonna kill your ass too, and probably torture you up for awhile first in order to squeeze any valuables out of your corpse.

At least, that would be my policy, if I were a hitman.
 
2013-05-08 01:29:00 PM

Pants full of macaroni!!: uncleacid: Can't wait for the heavy metal version of "Folsom Prison Blues".

D.O.A. turned it into "Folsom Prison Dirge", but they're punk, is that close enough?


Everlast did a cover of it that I thought was pretty good.
 
2013-05-08 01:29:19 PM
I was taken to an AILD show at a hxc space in Santa Fe around 2001-02, well before they broke big.  It was very much a Xian metal/hxc show, and some of my friends knew some of them, and the scene after the show was like prayer/fellowship, which I thought was pretty... interesting.  I think they've had a bunch of lineup changes since then, so I don't know if this guy was a member then....

/csb
 
2013-05-08 01:29:20 PM

El Brujo: Judging by the dumb, long name of the band, I am guessing these guys are one of those eyeliner and emo bangs bands?

Seems like there are a bunch of these out there.

Good riddance.


Nope.
 
2013-05-08 01:30:41 PM

orange whip: My friend has a name for metal bands with screaming (read: not singing) front men: Cock Rock cuz only 14-25 year old men like that shiat


I've seen plenty of young chicks at shows like that in the pit moshing and screaming along.  A very small majority mind, but present nonetheless.
 
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