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(Chicago Trib)   In-car internet has automakers salivating: get ready for Your Odometer, Brought To You By Tostitos Hint of Lime And Geico Insurance   (chicagotribune.com) divider line 83
    More: Sad, Allstate, navigation system, connected car, Onstar, cars  
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2392 clicks; posted to Business » on 05 May 2013 at 11:04 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-05-05 09:15:05 PM  
I'm fine as long as the passenger window popup ad obscures the image of the driver in the adjacent lane masturbating furiously.
 
2013-05-05 09:23:57 PM  
I just taped my iPad to the dashboard. Boom, in-car internet. Pay me GM.
 
2013-05-05 09:32:45 PM  

insano: I just taped my iPad to the dashboard. Boom, in-car internet. Pay me GM.


Counter: adhesive-free in-car internet.

Payment denied.
 
2013-05-05 09:33:47 PM  
So, no different than Iron Man 3, brought to you by CISCO, Rockstar, Audi, FiOS, and, oddly enough, SpeedTest.net
 
2013-05-05 09:55:31 PM  

King Something: insano: I just taped my iPad to the dashboard. Boom, in-car internet. Pay me GM.

Counter: adhesive-free in-car internet.

Payment denied.


So basically, for the non-adhesive version, I'd be paying extra for services already provided (ad-free I might add) on my mobile devices? No thanks,.
 
2013-05-05 10:04:48 PM  
FTFA: "I have grandchildren that have only grown up in a world with smartphones," Akerson, a former telecommunications executive, said on a conference call on Thursday to discuss GM's quarterly results.

I've grown up in a world with indoor plumbing, but I don't want a toilet in my car.

Dear Car Makers: Stop trying to turn cars into smartphones. I don't need or want a touch screen in my car. I want controls with actual knobs and buttons that I can use without having to divert my attention away from the road. By leaving off the touch screens and other distracting nonsense, you should be able to save enough on manufacturing costs to pass that savings onto your consumers. Cars already cost too much, and you keep adding unnecessary crap to them to justify raising the prices. That's why I keep maintaining my already-paid-off 1998 car.
 
2013-05-05 10:16:38 PM  

Fark Me To Tears: FTFA: "I have grandchildren that have only grown up in a world with smartphones," Akerson, a former telecommunications executive, said on a conference call on Thursday to discuss GM's quarterly results.

I've grown up in a world with indoor plumbing, but I don't want a toilet in my car.

Dear Car Makers: Stop trying to turn cars into smartphones. I don't need or want a touch screen in my car. I want controls with actual knobs and buttons that I can use without having to divert my attention away from the road. By leaving off the touch screens and other distracting nonsense, you should be able to save enough on manufacturing costs to pass that savings onto your consumers. Cars already cost too much, and you keep adding unnecessary crap to them to justify raising the prices. That's why I keep maintaining my already-paid-off 1998 car.


i can't help but think that the satisfied owner of a 15 year old car isn't the target demographic of new car manufacturers.
 
2013-05-05 10:16:41 PM  

Fark Me To Tears: I've grown up in a world with indoor plumbing, but I don't want a toilet in my car.

Dear Car Makers: Stop trying to turn cars into smartphones. I don't need or want a touch screen in my car. I want controls with actual knobs and buttons that I can use without having to divert my attention away from the road. By leaving off the touch screens and other distracting nonsense, you should be able to save enough on manufacturing costs to pass that savings onto your consumers. Cars already cost too much, and you keep adding unnecessary crap to them to justify raising the prices. That's why I keep maintaining my already-paid-off 1998 car.


Seriously. How about car companies design a decent car that costs under $10,000 new, for those who don't want to take a chance on a used car but also don't want to drop half a year's salary. That would be a breakthrough.
 
2013-05-05 10:24:47 PM  

Fark Me To Tears: FTFA: "I have grandchildren that have only grown up in a world with smartphones," Akerson, a former telecommunications executive, said on a conference call on Thursday to discuss GM's quarterly results.

I've grown up in a world with indoor plumbing, but I don't want a toilet in my car.

Dear Car Makers: Stop trying to turn cars into smartphones. I don't need or want a touch screen in my car. I want controls with actual knobs and buttons that I can use without having to divert my attention away from the road. By leaving off the touch screens and other distracting nonsense, you should be able to save enough on manufacturing costs to pass that savings onto your consumers. Cars already cost too much, and you keep adding unnecessary crap to them to justify raising the prices. That's why I keep maintaining my already-paid-off 1998 car.


I've ridden a motorcycle virtually every day of my life for nearly 15 years (commuter in the South so it's never particularly cold). Now, people back then were just as dumb as they are now, but there were limited ways you could be distracted while driving. Cell phones were definitely gaining in popularity but still weren't ubiquitous, and all you could do was talk on them. The most dangerous distractions were probably oral sex and trying to eat Taco Bell.

These days the average threats to my life seem to have tripled. When approaching a car from the rear I have to hang back and look for signs that the asshole is punching an LCD screen or scrolling a phone. Only then do I dare overtake the driver. Sadly, my bike isn't tall enough to see into all SUVs, so with them I just pass in my lane and hope they don't suddenly veer left and run me into an electrical pole.

Yes, I know that bikes are dangerous and I presume someone will tell me to STFU and drive a Hummer if I'm that concerned about not dying. But bikes are legal, and as long as they are I have as much right to the road as all you distracted people who can't be arsed to even cast a glance over your shoulder before violently changing lanes. With every addition made to cars, we lose our ability to just drive the farking things.

I'd be totally cool with tech in a car if people could be trusted to pull over when using it. But we can't. We all think we're the exception to careless driving right up to the point where we're texting and run over an old man crossing the street. I don't have the stats off-hand but my guess is that 95% of people claim to be safe drivers without realizing they're dragging a body pinned to the undercarriage.
 
2013-05-05 10:27:41 PM  

insano: King Something: insano: I just taped my iPad to the dashboard. Boom, in-car internet. Pay me GM.

Counter: adhesive-free in-car internet.

Payment denied.

So basically, for the non-adhesive version, I'd be paying extra for services already provided (ad-free I might add) on my mobile devices? No thanks,.


You don't sound like a midwestern soccer mom.
 
2013-05-05 10:28:44 PM  
What if I don't want my Tostitos flavored with Geico?
 
2013-05-05 10:36:06 PM  

Fark Me To Tears: FTFA: "I have grandchildren that have only grown up in a world with smartphones," Akerson, a former telecommunications executive, said on a conference call on Thursday to discuss GM's quarterly results.

I've grown up in a world with indoor plumbing, but I don't want a toilet in my car.


I've often wanted a toilet in my car. I tried using adult diapers after reading about that astronaut who used them for a long road trip, but the farking things leaked. A toilet is the only real solution. Not a throne; something unobtrusive.
 
2013-05-05 10:40:55 PM  

rumpelstiltskin: Fark Me To Tears: FTFA: "I have grandchildren that have only grown up in a world with smartphones," Akerson, a former telecommunications executive, said on a conference call on Thursday to discuss GM's quarterly results.

I've grown up in a world with indoor plumbing, but I don't want a toilet in my car.

I've often wanted a toilet in my car. I tried using adult diapers after reading about that astronaut who used them for a long road trip, but the farking things leaked. A toilet is the only real solution. Not a throne; something unobtrusive.


Get (or make) a caravan.

The only real downside is that you'd be driving a freakin' caravan.

/beware and be forewarned -- homemade 14-foot-tall caravans may be subject to crosswinds
//...not including this slashie, I said "caravan" thrice
 
2013-05-05 11:02:05 PM  
Can I turn it off?

If I can't drive without being advertised to -- you can go fark yourself.
 
2013-05-05 11:08:53 PM  

Fark Me To Tears: FTFA: "I have grandchildren that have only grown up in a world with smartphones," Akerson, a former telecommunications executive, said on a conference call on Thursday to discuss GM's quarterly results.

I've grown up in a world with indoor plumbing, but I don't want a toilet in my car.

Dear Car Makers: Stop trying to turn cars into smartphones. I don't need or want a touch screen in my car. I want controls with actual knobs and buttons that I can use without having to divert my attention away from the road. By leaving off the touch screens and other distracting nonsense, you should be able to save enough on manufacturing costs to pass that savings onto your consumers. Cars already cost too much, and you keep adding unnecessary crap to them to justify raising the prices. That's why I keep maintaining my already-paid-off 1998 car.


What he said.  And stop trying to make everything look futuristic.

/heated seats are for chicks
 
2013-05-05 11:20:27 PM  
Drive, assholes.

This is not phone time.
This is not text time.
This is not browse time.

Drive your car. The Internet will still be there when you manage to pull your fat ass out of the car.
 
2013-05-05 11:25:29 PM  

Fark Me To Tears: FTFA: "I have grandchildren that have only grown up in a world with smartphones," Akerson, a former telecommunications executive, said on a conference call on Thursday to discuss GM's quarterly results.

I've grown up in a world with indoor plumbing, but I don't want a toilet in my car.

Dear Car Makers: Stop trying to turn cars into smartphones. I don't need or want a touch screen in my car. I want controls with actual knobs and buttons that I can use without having to divert my attention away from the road. By leaving off the touch screens and other distracting nonsense, you should be able to save enough on manufacturing costs to pass that savings onto your consumers. Cars already cost too much, and you keep adding unnecessary crap to them to justify raising the prices. That's why I keep maintaining my already-paid-off 1998 car.


As a professional mechanic, let me add repair costs into this. The price of the onboard "infotainment" modules is just insane, and you can't just slap in an after market radio anymore without disabling all of the other networked accessories.
 
2013-05-05 11:28:49 PM  
I'd love to see a car company advertise a car with minimal electronic gadgets.  Something with the bare minimum of necessary moving parts.
 
2013-05-05 11:29:53 PM  

insano: King Something: insano: I just taped my iPad to the dashboard. Boom, in-car internet. Pay me GM.

Counter: adhesive-free in-car internet.

Payment denied.

So basically, for the non-adhesive version, I'd be paying extra for services already provided (ad-free I might add) on my mobile devices? No thanks,.


Yeah, if I have to pay for it or its full of ads, I won't use it.
If it would tether with my phone (without me having to move out of my grandfathered unlimited data plan) I'd like the ability to get all that real time traffic information on a screen in the dash instead of on my phone.

/ Anybody else use Waze?  I love that "feature" where it tries to guess where you're driving and give you directions.  But it only guesses between "home" and "work", because I still don't know how to get between those two places.
// And the magic smart rule it uses between the two is that if it's before noon you're going to work, after noon you're going home.  I was heading to Denver after a ski trip to fly home one monday at 5:00, pulled up Waze to get directions to the airport, and it gingerly offered to give me directions home instead.  Yes Aaze, I am driving home, from Denver to Austin, because it's 5:00, and that's what I do at 5:00, is drive home, regardless of where I am.
 
2013-05-05 11:30:03 PM  
"Your wipers will begin following this brief advertisement."
 
2013-05-05 11:31:00 PM  

insano: Seriously. How about car companies design a decent car that costs under $10,000 new, for those who don't want to take a chance on a used car but also don't want to drop half a year's salary. That would be a breakthrough.


Dude, walk until you can afford a car, just like every other 16 year old.
 
2013-05-05 11:42:38 PM  

RogermcAllen: /heated seats are for chicks


And this chick in northern Canada would farking kill for heated seats to go with the engine block heater and remote starter.
 
2013-05-05 11:49:22 PM  
I'm surprised an automaker hasn't bought Waze yet and ruin it..
 
2013-05-05 11:51:55 PM  
Boom! Great news! I've waited 15 years for in-car Internet to allow my Clarion AutoPC to reach its max potential. Best $1800 I ever spent.

/Well, that and my $2500 Samsung side-by-side refrigerator with Internet access.
 
2013-05-05 11:52:26 PM  
I don't even trust efi... I sure as Hell wouldn't buy a vehicle with more computers!??!
 
2013-05-05 11:59:39 PM  

jaytkay: Drive, assholes.

This is not phone time.
This is not text time.
This is not browse time.

Drive your car. The Internet will still be there when you manage to pull your fat ass out of the car.


SO MUCH THIS ^^^
 
2013-05-06 12:00:21 AM  
The warning now: "Turn off the cell phone and Drive."

The warning in a few years: "Turn off the porn and Drive."

Geez. And we think we're seeing distracted-driving accidents now ...
 
2013-05-06 12:00:27 AM  

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2013-05-06 12:01:25 AM  

SevenizGud: insano: Seriously. How about car companies design a decent car that costs under $10,000 new, for those who don't want to take a chance on a used car but also don't want to drop half a year's salary. That would be a breakthrough.

Dude, walk until you can afford a car, just like every other 16 year old.


Dood, I can totally already afford a car.  I'm just thinking about those who can't have an affordable car because automakers think they need to keep adding junk to them. They don't need freakin internet in their car; they need a cheap alternative to get them from point a to point b.
 
2013-05-06 12:02:25 AM  

moothemagiccow: I'm fine as long as the passenger window popup ad obscures the image of the driver in the adjacent lane masturbating furiously.


Unfortunately, my passenger window popup ad is of a driver masturbating furiously. Oh, wait, he seems happy now.
 
2013-05-06 12:03:26 AM  

Incontinent_dog_and_monkey_rodeo: I'd love to see a car company advertise a car with minimal electronic gadgets.  Something with the bare minimum of necessary moving parts.


Ariel atom, a pov pack version would be perfect
 
2013-05-06 12:06:56 AM  

insano: How about car companies design a decent car that costs under $10,000 new, for those who don't want to take a chance on a used car but also don't want to drop half a year's salary.


There's no long term market potential in making a cheap reliable car. If they can't get you in the showroom, they have to get you in the parts and repair arena, or they've had it.
 
2013-05-06 12:13:12 AM  

WelldeadLink: moothemagiccow: I'm fine as long as the passenger window popup ad obscures the image of the driver in the adjacent lane masturbating furiously.

Unfortunately, my passenger window popup ad is of a driver masturbating furiously. Oh, wait, he seems happy now.


I have the same one! except my ad paused because the guy is posting a comment on fark an..

oh. shiat.
 
2013-05-06 12:16:57 AM  

Incontinent_dog_and_monkey_rodeo: I'd love to see a car company advertise a car with minimal electronic gadgets.  Something with the bare minimum of necessary moving parts.


That's pretty much the basic model of any less than $20k car already...nothing new, nothing special.  My Scion, bought new in 2009, has an ipod jack and a basic car stereo, and pretty much nothing else fancy.  My brother and I went shopping for cars last winter, and encountered lots of similar cars, where in order to get the fancy electronics, you had to upgrade your options.  Don't want the fancy crap?  Just don't ask for it.  Voila.

If you want a car 25k and up, sorry, you're shiat out of luck.  Fancy stuff is part of the package at that point.
 
2013-05-06 12:22:59 AM  
I'll take this opportunity to say that lime-flavored tortilla chips are some nasty ass shiat.
 
2013-05-06 12:31:25 AM  

ArkAngel: What if I don't want my Tostitos flavored with Geico?


Buy some Geicomole.
 
2013-05-06 12:34:17 AM  
It just dawned on me that I should make one of those illegal cell phone jammers for when I have to pass a slowpoke who's yapping on a cell phone.
 
2013-05-06 12:41:44 AM  
socialeyezer.com
 
2013-05-06 01:00:44 AM  

Incontinent_dog_and_monkey_rodeo: I'd love to see a car company advertise a car with minimal electronic gadgets.  Something with the bare minimum of necessary moving parts.


That's basically what Renault have been doing in Europe with its Dacia brand. They offer mid size sedans, station wagons and pickup trucks for as low as 8000 euros. The Logan is ugly as hell, but it's roomy and comfortable.
 
2013-05-06 01:09:33 AM  

Incontinent_dog_and_monkey_rodeo: I'd love to see a car company advertise a car with minimal electronic gadgets.  Something with the bare minimum of necessary moving parts.


New for 2014: the Luddite! For when the flashy lights are too scary for you!
 
2013-05-06 01:26:56 AM  
 Fark you, I'm driving...

Sponsored by Carl's Jr..
 
2013-05-06 01:37:10 AM  
dafuq?
 
2013-05-06 02:12:02 AM  
Owners of a Tesla Model S getting a kick....
 
2013-05-06 02:21:16 AM  

cameroncrazy1984: Incontinent_dog_and_monkey_rodeo: I'd love to see a car company advertise a car with minimal electronic gadgets.  Something with the bare minimum of necessary moving parts.

New for 2014: the Luddite! For when the flashy lights are too scary for you!


It's not about electronics being scary.  It's about them being pointless and/or making the car unnecessarily difficult to operate.  I'm still driving a '97 Corolla, and since everything is controlled by proper knobs and levers, I can operate everything by touch, without having to take my eyes off the road.

I have been increasingly using Waze since I got a dashboard mount for my phone, but I try not to focus on it while driving any more than I would a rear-view mirror.  Being able to see detailed traffic conditions beyond my normal field of view has proved to be useful.
 
2013-05-06 04:34:49 AM  
FTA: ""We do want to change this from primarily a safety and security business to one that is much more feature-rich," Akerson said of his plans for OnStar."

Holy crap - does this mean cars of the future will not be about safety first?!

"Hello, welcome to OnStar - before we rescue you from your stranded location, let me tell you more about our extended services that you haven't bought from us yet."
 
2013-05-06 04:43:22 AM  

No Line For Beer: "Your wipers will begin following this brief advertisement."


Outstanding!
Simply out-fu*ckin'-standing!
You're Total Farked for 30 days.
Venture forth and make more witty postings.
 
2013-05-06 05:37:42 AM  

anfrind: cameroncrazy1984: Incontinent_dog_and_monkey_rodeo: I'd love to see a car company advertise a car with minimal electronic gadgets.  Something with the bare minimum of necessary moving parts.

New for 2014: the Luddite! For when the flashy lights are too scary for you!

It's not about electronics being scary.  It's about them being pointless and/or making the car unnecessarily difficult to operate.  I'm still driving a '97 Corolla, and since everything is controlled by proper knobs and levers, I can operate everything by touch, without having to take my eyes off the road.

I have been increasingly using Waze since I got a dashboard mount for my phone, but I try not to focus on it while driving any more than I would a rear-view mirror.  Being able to see detailed traffic conditions beyond my normal field of view has proved to be useful.


I agree on the minimal option. Navigating menu screens and so on is best done when not at highway speeds.
 
2013-05-06 06:11:25 AM  
Physical injury/death waivers will be part of the deal.
This will be great until the cost of the lawsuits exceeds the profits.
What's your life worth?
 
2013-05-06 06:19:12 AM  
GM says its upcoming changes to OnStar will allow the automaker to "make some real money" from OnStar, Akerson said. He did not quantify or give projections. "We do want to change this from primarily a safety and security business to one that is much more feature-rich," Akerson said of his plans for OnStar. "We have never been properly compensated, in my opinion, having come out of this industry, in terms of what we provide to the carriers."

While I don't begrudge a company offering compelling products the opportunity to make a giant pile of money THIS GUY sounds a lot like a video game exec defending things like in-game advertising and Day 0 DLC's.  It's not that the CUSTOMERS want that shiat, its that another company paid them a stack of cash to shoehorn their advert straight in front of your face at a time when  you can't do shiat about it.

I can see it now:
"Your car will start in 6 seconds, but first a word from BP on where you should go to fill up your tank which is only 1/4 full..."

"The panic stop brought to you by Pepboys!  You would have stopped 5 feet sooner with new brake pads...."

"That's your fourth left turn in a row.... do you feel like your life is going around in circles?  Maybe consider career training at the University of Phoenix..."

"Thank you for driving GM - your doors will unlock and allow you to exit soon, but first, a 25 minute montage of Flo commercials from Progressive..."
 
2013-05-06 06:19:16 AM  
all the (perfectly valid) talk of distracted driving, and none whatsoever on privacy issues?  Smartphones really have boiled us frogs good.  I don't want to have to buy a car and have my only choice be a ubiquitous back seat driver reporting back to some corporation about where I am so it can shove 'useful' location based ads at me, all the while compiling an even more detailed profile of me to sell to other corporations and/or the government.  Dammit.  Just leave me alone.
 
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