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(Slate)   The creativity secret shared by some of the world's greatest writers? Fapping. Coming soon: Fark: The Novel   (slate.com) divider line 46
    More: Cool, secret sharing, D.H. Lawrence, libidos, self-abuse, creativity, Balzac  
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7020 clicks; posted to Main » on 01 May 2013 at 12:06 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-05-01 11:11:26 AM
Chapter 1

Dark save the glimmer on the screen. Exhausted, Victor leaned back in his chair. His left hand slick, his thighs slick, his belly slick. Dank smelled the room, dank like wet socks, dank like a corn field. And still the glimmer on the screen. He reached for the tissue box, but it was empty. Had been empty, he remembered, for quite some time. He dragged his hand -- was it trembling? -- across his shirt.

Noise outside the door. His mother on the stairs. His eyes went to the clock on the wall. A few minutes after midnight. He waited for the light tap that he knew would come.

"Honey? Are you awake in there?"

The doorknob jiggled, but he had thought to lock it. A few weeks ago he might have leapt from the chair, might have clutched his pants puddled around his ankles and scampered to cover himself, but now...now what did it matter.

"Just finishing some stuff."

A hesitant pause before her reply. "Don't you have that interview tomorrow morning?"

"I know." He felt the anger rising in his voice, fought to push it back. "I  know."

"Honey-"

"Mom! I  know."

He listened to her footsteps recede. Listened to the light creak above as she crossed the kitchen floor. Listened as his eyes again found the glimmer on the screen. He leaned forward despite himself, squinted at the grainy picture. How was that even possible? Six? At once?

He stirred. Exhausted, yet he stirred. He looked forlornly upon his calloused palm, his mind torn with indecision. The tube of jelly lay on the floor. Victor picked it up.
 
2013-05-01 11:26:25 AM
Sometimes you just need to procrasterbate.
 
2013-05-01 11:40:05 AM
Uh, Subby? ...

laughingsquid.com

/i can fap to this
 
2013-05-01 12:10:06 PM
For the relief of blue Balzac, self-flog thrice and call me in the morning.
 
2013-05-01 12:13:42 PM

Pocket Ninja: Chapter 1

Dark save the glimmer on the screen. Exhausted, Victor leaned back in his chair. His left hand slick, his thighs slick, his belly slick. Dank smelled the room, dank like wet socks, dank like a corn field. And still the glimmer on the screen. He reached for the tissue box, but it was empty. Had been empty, he remembered, for quite some time. He dragged his hand -- was it trembling? -- across his shirt.

Noise outside the door. His mother on the stairs. His eyes went to the clock on the wall. A few minutes after midnight. He waited for the light tap that he knew would come.

"Honey? Are you awake in there?"

The doorknob jiggled, but he had thought to lock it. A few weeks ago he might have leapt from the chair, might have clutched his pants puddled around his ankles and scampered to cover himself, but now...now what did it matter.

"Just finishing some stuff."

A hesitant pause before her reply. "Don't you have that interview tomorrow morning?"

"I know." He felt the anger rising in his voice, fought to push it back. "I  know."

"Honey-"

"Mom! I  know."

He listened to her footsteps recede. Listened to the light creak above as she crossed the kitchen floor. Listened as his eyes again found the glimmer on the screen. He leaned forward despite himself, squinted at the grainy picture. How was that even possible? Six? At once?

He stirred. Exhausted, yet he stirred. He looked forlornly upon his calloused palm, his mind torn with indecision. The tube of jelly lay on the floor. Victor picked it up.


I wish I could buy you a beer, kind sir!
 
2013-05-01 12:15:54 PM
Explains why the articles in Playboy were so excellent.
 
2013-05-01 12:18:51 PM
And here i thought it was Booze and Pot...
 
2013-05-01 12:22:33 PM

CeroX: And here i thought it was Booze and Pot...


That only comes with a Total Fark subscription

/Hookers and blow, too

//or so they say
 
2013-05-01 12:23:11 PM
So we can rate novelists based on the number of kittens they've killed?
 
2013-05-01 12:24:20 PM
"It was the best of times...oh god...uhhhh...oh jeeebus...uuhhh..uhhh..uhhhhhhhh...oooohhhhhh....zzzzzzzz..."
 
2013-05-01 12:25:02 PM
Talk about a nice slow pitch just begging to be knocked out of the park....
 
2013-05-01 12:28:02 PM
"Call me Ishmael. Yeah, that's it baby, call me Ishmael, dirty, dirty Ishmael..."
 
2013-05-01 12:28:24 PM
www.euskalnet.net
 
2013-05-01 12:29:20 PM
I have the opposite problem, every time I sit down to write my great American novel, playing pocket pool distracts me, then when I'm done I just want to lie on the couch and watch tv
 
2013-05-01 12:30:22 PM
Bunch of wankers.
 
2013-05-01 12:31:21 PM

Pocket Ninja: Chapter 1



Somehow I knew you'd be first to the thread. And Now I know why they call you Pocket Ninja.  It just all makes sense.
 
2013-05-01 12:32:14 PM
That's how you pound out a novel!
 
2013-05-01 12:38:36 PM
If this were true I'd be Stephen farking King.
 
2013-05-01 12:40:35 PM
i487.photobucket.com

Seemed appropriate.
 
2013-05-01 12:41:49 PM
I make sure to fap at least once a day.

Seems to keep me functioning.
 
2013-05-01 12:42:31 PM
I have 100% assereted that Stephen King is jacking himself off to his own stories. Thing is, he always finishes before everyone else gets off.
 
2013-05-01 12:45:28 PM
The Great Fapsy?
 
2013-05-01 12:49:38 PM
Fapping leads to creativity leads to creative fapping.
 
2013-05-01 12:50:20 PM
i.imgur.com

i.imgur.com
 
2013-05-01 12:51:41 PM
My dad used to say "Writing is easy. All you have to do is sit in front of the keyboard and open a vein."

He never did say which vein. Hmmm.
 
2013-05-01 01:00:47 PM
So that's what they mean by "invoking the muse".
 
2013-05-01 01:08:14 PM
Why you should buy my book: I jerk off a lot.
 
2013-05-01 01:13:50 PM
I'm on my way to a Hugo Award!
 
2013-05-01 01:15:38 PM
Writers work from home

Mitchell & Webb [use your own best judgement to view at work]
 
2013-05-01 01:20:29 PM
I'm sure Balzac was quite sweaty after one of those writing sessions.
 
2013-05-01 01:21:57 PM
novel? Don't sell us short subby, we've got a least a couple Encyclopedias Brittanica in us.
 
2013-05-01 01:24:10 PM
Fark The Novel? Yeah right.  Next you'll be telling me that Fark will have a TV channel.
 
2013-05-01 01:27:53 PM
My wife stood there at the door, staring in open-jawed shock at the display. "Are...are you actually masturbating using that chicken?" she finally got out.

I considered lying--no, seriously--but only for a moment.  "No," I said.  "The chicken is only there as an assistant.  What you need to be asking here is why I've got a dwarf under the bed and a goat in the closet. Come on out, Herve," I said.

"And if you think that's impressive, you should see the shark I had them put in the swimming pool last night," I said, heaving my glistening bulk from the bed.  "It's dead.  My best work ever." I patted Herve on the head fondly.  He'd be getting some extra kibble in his bowl for that masterful performance.  The goat bleated, forgotten and alone.

"So what's for lunch?" I asked.
 
2013-05-01 01:47:37 PM

que.guero: If this were true I'd be Stephen farking King.


i'd have churned out something on the same scale as the wheel of time in my junior year of high school...
 
2013-05-01 01:50:07 PM
I'm gonna assume they mean 'male' authors. DNRTA
 
2013-05-01 01:54:10 PM

Dr._Michael_Hfuhruhurr: My dad used to say "Writing is easy. All you have to do is sit in front of the keyboard and open a vein."


Suicide notes? They're one-hit wonders at best.
 
2013-05-01 02:11:04 PM

hitlersbrain: I'm gonna assume they mean 'male' authors. DNRTA


OMG!  That's why there haven't been that many great female writers.  The Sybian wasn't invented until 15 years ago.
 
2013-05-01 02:23:49 PM

FrancoFile: hitlersbrain: I'm gonna assume they mean 'male' authors. DNRTA

OMG!  That's why there haven't been that many great female writers.  The Sybian wasn't invented until 15 years ago.


upload.wikimedia.org
 
2013-05-01 02:52:13 PM
But you can't write something like Finnegan's Wake unless you swallow your girlfriend's farts, like Joyce did.
 
2013-05-01 04:36:07 PM
Girlfriend's been out of town since Sunday. By the time she returns I should have my own Great American Novel.
 
2013-05-01 04:46:50 PM
3.bp.blogspot.com

One of the most brilliant writers of our time....
 
2013-05-01 08:01:57 PM
Never trust a man without a vice.
 
2013-05-01 08:29:46 PM

Jim from Saint Paul: I have 100% assereted that Stephen King is jacking himself off to his own stories. Thing is, he always finishes before everyone else gets off.


Ladyfingers they smell like ladyfingers
 
2013-05-01 09:22:52 PM

BitwiseShift: Explains why the articles in Playboy were so excellent.


There were articles in Playboy? Seriously?

I was too busy looking at the perfectly airbrushed models to notice!
 
2013-05-01 09:28:50 PM

poonesfarm: So that's what they mean by "invoking the muse".


The muse can be a powerful source of inspiration in creative writing, although I've found that it's the desire for -- not the actual attainment -- of the muse that works best for me.
 
2013-05-02 02:06:57 AM

Pocket Ninja: Chapter 1

Dark save the glimmer on the screen. Exhausted, Victor leaned back in his chair. His left hand slick, his thighs slick, his belly slick. Dank smelled the room, dank like wet socks, dank like a corn field. And still the glimmer on the screen. He reached for the tissue box, but it was empty. Had been empty, he remembered, for quite some time. He dragged his hand -- was it trembling? -- across his shirt.

Noise outside the door. His mother on the stairs. His eyes went to the clock on the wall. A few minutes after midnight. He waited for the light tap that he knew would come.

"Honey? Are you awake in there?"

The doorknob jiggled, but he had thought to lock it. A few weeks ago he might have leapt from the chair, might have clutched his pants puddled around his ankles and scampered to cover himself, but now...now what did it matter.

"Just finishing some stuff."

A hesitant pause before her reply. "Don't you have that interview tomorrow morning?"

"I know." He felt the anger rising in his voice, fought to push it back. "I  know."

"Honey-"

"Mom! I  know."

He listened to her footsteps recede. Listened to the light creak above as she crossed the kitchen floor. Listened as his eyes again found the glimmer on the screen. He leaned forward despite himself, squinted at the grainy picture. How was that even possible? Six? At once?

He stirred. Exhausted, yet he stirred. He looked forlornly upon his calloused palm, his mind torn with indecision. The tube of jelly lay on the floor. Victor picked it up.


i172.photobucket.com
 
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