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(BrianJones.com)   "10 ways to stop feeling guilty your friend is going to hell"   (brianjones.com) divider line 133
    More: Amusing, pastors  
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15896 clicks; posted to Main » on 29 Apr 2013 at 9:32 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
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Archived thread
2013-04-29 10:01:38 AM
9 votes:

Marcus Aurelius: In my experience, no good ever comes from "finding Jesus".


I must beg to differ. I found two Jesuses in front of the Home Depot. They helped me build my deck.
2013-04-29 09:23:47 AM
9 votes:
1. Here's the easiest one: Stop being a part of a church

Hey wow, that was easy. Thanks, pastor.
2013-04-29 09:48:12 AM
6 votes:
This is why I don't like moderate religious people. You think I'm going to hell for all eternity to face unimaginable torture because I haven't done something as simple as accepting Jesus and you aren't gonna be at least a little pushy about it? Well screw you Jack. Ill talk to someone who hives a damn.
2013-04-29 09:34:48 AM
6 votes:
Keep evangelizing, soon you won't have any friends to feel guilty for.
2013-04-29 09:58:53 AM
5 votes:

Marcus Aurelius: stuhayes2010: [brianjones.com image 640x427]
Even as a little kid I would look at these people and think "they really believe they're talking to someone who is there?  I just don't get it."  30 years later, I still don't get it.  Sundays should be spent with friends and family, not handing money to a tax free organization.

In my experience, no good ever comes from "finding Jesus".


"When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different." - Jack Handey
2013-04-29 09:53:06 AM
5 votes:
I don`t worry that my friend will go to hell. I would quite like the company.
2013-04-29 10:06:19 AM
4 votes:
I'm going to hell and I'm OK with that. When I was younger I saw the Exorcist and at one point the demon looks at the priest and says, "your mother does acts of perversion in hell."  So hell might be bad but they get recreation breaks
2013-04-29 10:04:37 AM
4 votes:
Passive Aggressive Pastor is passive aggressive.
2013-04-29 09:58:53 AM
4 votes:
CSB time.

From my first day of school to the time I was old enough to get my school permit, I rode the bus with a girl who was the kindest, most open and tolerant person I'd ever met.  She got engaged to some born-again Christian guy and the next thing you know, she's saying things like "Schindler's list was sad, sure, but they're all going to hell anyway."  And then she invited me to meet up and catch up before the wedding.

Turns out she just wanted to pray for me and tell me she was worried I was going to hell.

/Hallmark doesn't make "You really need to get a divorce before it's too late" card.
//So I sent my own.
2013-04-29 09:50:17 AM
4 votes:
I'm planning on going to heck.

/It's not as bad as hell.
2013-04-29 09:35:50 AM
4 votes:
I think Puddy had this conversation with Elaine.
2013-04-29 10:47:09 AM
3 votes:

Carn: DubtodaIll: Well I can say this, without religion we'd all be bored as hell.

I've never played a religious video game so I think we can refute this statement.  Just started playing the PC port of Brutal Legend, it is entertaining.


But discovering monotheism gives you such a boost, as long as you can build the Oracle and get your free tech.
2013-04-29 10:45:09 AM
3 votes:
We ain't a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die, then fail to see the farking irony in that
2013-04-29 10:43:01 AM
3 votes:
doing a GIS for an african child going to hell and found this:

trollable.com

I laffed
2013-04-29 10:42:50 AM
3 votes:

Queensowntalia: WhoopAssWayne: Ah yes, another enlightening thread with the fark teenaged atheists.

[imageshack.us image 287x312]

Don't worry - it's just a stage. Once you grow up a little more, you'll get over it.

Don't be silly. We don't have time to sit around debating Christianity. We're much too busy eating babies.

/Sriracha goes well


Oh, you're one of THOSE sorts of atheist, you worthless piece of trash.

Everyone knows the right choice is Tabasco.

/I want a schism all my own.
2013-04-29 10:14:53 AM
3 votes:

WhoopAssWayne: Ah yes, another enlightening thread with the fark teenaged atheists.

[imageshack.us image 287x312]

Don't worry - it's just a stage. Once you grow up a little more, you'll get over it.


Don't be silly. We don't have time to sit around debating Christianity. We're much too busy eating babies.

/Sriracha goes well
2013-04-29 10:09:18 AM
3 votes:
I'll give him one.

FTA: "Evangelism is God's (and my pastor's) job. My job is to be a good example."

Every religious person who refuses to abide by this should have it tattooed in mirror image on their forehead.  I respect your right to have your beliefs.  I don't want to hear about them.  If you try to convert me, I'll consider myself in imminent danger from a mentally unbalanced person.  I live in a "Stand Your Ground" state too.
2013-04-29 10:04:33 AM
3 votes:

stuhayes2010: [brianjones.com image 640x427]
Even as a little kid I would look at these people and think "they really believe they're talking to someone who is there?  I just don't get it."  30 years later, I still don't get it.  Sundays should be spent with friends and family sleeping off Saturday night's hangover until well after noon, not handing money to a tax free organization.


I have corrected your error.

/That is how everyone spends their Sundays, correct?
2013-04-29 09:54:10 AM
3 votes:

Begoggle: I can't figure out if this is serious, ironic, or double ironic trollish.


double secret ironic trollish
2013-04-29 09:49:51 AM
3 votes:

mamoru: Cythraul: What the fark did I just read?


They just discovered sarcasm and this is the best they could do.
2013-04-29 09:44:52 AM
3 votes:
Heaven for the climate, hell for the company.

/I'm expecting a Fark party
2013-04-29 12:57:17 PM
2 votes:

nmemkha: MayoSlather: There are lots of Christian types in this thread that are attempting to pull the "I'm a rational christian, not like this crazy guy." thing. And to that I say no, no you're not. You are just as batshiat.

We could care less what you think. You have more right to condemn our beliefs than we yours.

Go fark yourself you intolerant assbag.


It seems like Jesus would be totally cool with this statement.
2013-04-29 12:36:26 PM
2 votes:

Dr Dreidel: God Is My Co-Pirate: You know the story of Cain and Abel? I've always hated that. Ever since I was a kid I knew it was unfair. Cain was a farmer and one season his crops didn't do well, and he didn't have a lot to offer God - but he still brought his best. Abel was a shepherd and brought his lambs to sacrifice. God arbitrarily decides he likes Abel's offerings but not Cain's and boom, you have the story of the first murder.

Gen 4:3-4 says that's not entirely accurate. Cain brings "his fruits", but Abel brings "his first-borns, the fattest [animals]" - the implication is that Abel offers the best of the best (A++++ would consume with heavenly fire again), and Cain offers only that which he can bear to part with.

I suppose you could make an argument that Cain's should have been "good enough", but the lesson of the story is that when you offer a sacrifice, it had better not be the dregs of your haul. "Good enough" is not good enough.

// besides which, Cain's beef was with god, not Abel


3: And in process of time it came to pass, that Cain brought of the fruit of the ground an offering unto the LORD.
4: And Abel, he also brought of the firstlings of his flock and of the fat thereof. And the LORD had respect unto Abel and to his offering:
5: But unto Cain and to his offering he had not respect. And Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell.

I take your point, but it looks more like God just hates vegetarians.
2013-04-29 12:32:13 PM
2 votes:
my favorite religious bumpersticker: 'Dear Lord,  please protect me from your followers'.  my other one is 'I've found Jesus, he was behind the sofa the whole time. '
2013-04-29 12:26:51 PM
2 votes:
10 Ways To Stop Feeling Guilty Your Friend Is Going To Hell Not Getting a Great Deal on Fine Amway Products
2013-04-29 12:26:08 PM
2 votes:
I think my IQ dropped ten points from having read that.
2013-04-29 11:51:52 AM
2 votes:

Dr Dreidel: God Is My Co-Pirate: You know the story of Cain and Abel? I've always hated that. Ever since I was a kid I knew it was unfair. Cain was a farmer and one season his crops didn't do well, and he didn't have a lot to offer God - but he still brought his best. Abel was a shepherd and brought his lambs to sacrifice. God arbitrarily decides he likes Abel's offerings but not Cain's and boom, you have the story of the first murder.

Gen 4:3-4 says that's not entirely accurate. Cain brings "his fruits", but Abel brings "his first-borns, the fattest [animals]" - the implication is that Abel offers the best of the best (A++++ would consume with heavenly fire again), and Cain offers only that which he can bear to part with.

I suppose you could make an argument that Cain's should have been "good enough", but the lesson of the story is that when you offer a sacrifice, it had better not be the dregs of your haul. "Good enough" is not good enough.


What does God need with a starship pile of fruit?  If, as someone else pointed out, God was the one who gave out the harvests and lambs to being with, why does he need them back?  And why demand the best?  That seems kinda dickish, especially if Cain is facing starvation because he gave the most nourishing part of his crop to someone who isn't even going to eat it.  "Here, have some cookies.  No, wait, I want the Thin Mint.  I actually think it tastes revolting, but it makes great tile grout."

// besides which, Cain's beef was with god, not Abel

Sounds like he's got a legitimate one.

/Greek ideas on sacrifice worked out well for them
//didn't hurt that Greek gods are apparently dumb as fenceposts
2013-04-29 11:33:22 AM
2 votes:
My first thought:

25.media.tumblr.com

Then I was like:

media.comicvine.com
2013-04-29 11:21:55 AM
2 votes:

Noobian Noob: In related news, someone just posted on facebook that she is trying to fast but the devil is making their stomach growl.

*facepalm*

it makes me sad to see so many ppl have fallen victim to this cult and its nonsense.


There's an ancient Japanese dieting technique known as "sepukku" that will get rid of that devil.
2013-04-29 11:07:37 AM
2 votes:

Parthenogenetic: wingnut396: I May Be Crazy But...: Oh, you're one of THOSE sorts of atheist, you worthless piece of trash.

Everyone knows the right choice is Tabasco.

/I want a schism all my own.

Tabasco is crap.  Louisiana or Crystal Hot Sauce FTW...

You all deserve to roast in hell.

Really?  Y'all are discussing eating babies with HOT SAUCE? Disgusting!

Slow-roasted baby with tomato-based BBQ sauce is where it's at.


Oh no. BBQ flamewars make religious flamewars look like trips to the petting zoo.  Next we're going to get some heathen coming in with the mustard and vinegar sauces and then there's nothing but flaming wreckage as far as the eye can see.

/nice garlicky red-wine braise for babies, I think.
2013-04-29 11:02:22 AM
2 votes:

wingnut396: I May Be Crazy But...: Oh, you're one of THOSE sorts of atheist, you worthless piece of trash.

Everyone knows the right choice is Tabasco.

/I want a schism all my own.

Tabasco is crap.  Louisiana or Crystal Hot Sauce FTW...


You all deserve to roast in hell.

Really?  Y'all are discussing eating babies with HOT SAUCE? Disgusting!

Slow-roasted baby with tomato-based BBQ sauce is where it's at.
2013-04-29 10:46:44 AM
2 votes:

YouSaidWhat: We ain't a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die, then fail to see the farking irony in that


No irony, the dead ones were supposed to report back!
Ant
2013-04-29 10:46:05 AM
2 votes:

WhoopAssWayne: Ah yes, another enlightening thread with the fark teenaged atheists.

Don't worry - it's just a stage. Once you grow up a little more, you'll get over it.


People with imaginary friends telling others to grow up?

/not a teenager, unfortunately/
2013-04-29 10:44:33 AM
2 votes:
2.bp.blogspot.com
Jesus, I like him very much, but he no help with curveball.
2013-04-29 10:41:34 AM
2 votes:

Queensowntalia: WhoopAssWayne: Ah yes, another enlightening thread with the fark teenaged atheists.

[imageshack.us image 287x312]

Don't worry - it's just a stage. Once you grow up a little more, you'll get over it.

Don't be silly. We don't have time to sit around debating Christianity. We're much too busy eating babies.

/Sriracha goes well


Get it straight, dumbass. It's JEWS that eat babies - we Atheists(tm) eat roasted Jews.
And then we all freeze to death in the winter.
2013-04-29 10:34:22 AM
2 votes:
Well I can say this, without religion we'd all be bored as hell.
2013-04-29 10:27:48 AM
2 votes:
Missing from the list, simply because.

#11 Some of them I can't stand to be around more than 5 times a year.  Why be stuck with them for eternity.

Not that I wouldn't try to say anything.  I just would spend a lot of eternity running away from them.
2013-04-29 10:24:42 AM
2 votes:

God Is My Co-Pirate: Thanks. Wow, this guy has never met a Buddhist, has he?


His head appears to be so far up his own ass, I suspect he's only ever met Sunday dinner.

Sarcastic passive-aggression/mockery is actually pretty rare in organized religion, because it's the stepbrother to full-on bullying, which was given a bad name during the Inquisition.

This guy could've been a Jesuit instead of one of those penta-snakehandler-no-sex-standing-up/might-lead-to-dancing Protestant sects, which it is very likely he is.
2013-04-29 10:14:27 AM
2 votes:
Follow these four things and you should be ok, religious or not.

1) don't be a dick
2) don't be a dick
3) don't be a dick
and finally the big #4) don't be a dick

This includes not judging others for the beliefs (or lack of), and in general, you could probably simplify it to a single item: don't be a dick.

Problem is, most fail # 1 and 2 almost right away, some manage those, but then fail at 3 and/or 4.
2013-04-29 10:12:52 AM
2 votes:

The Green Intern: CSB time.

From my first day of school to the time I was old enough to get my school permit, I rode the bus with a girl who was the kindest, most open and tolerant person I'd ever met.  She got engaged to some born-again Christian guy and the next thing you know, she's saying things like "Schindler's list was sad, sure, but they're all going to hell anyway."  And then she invited me to meet up and catch up before the wedding.

Turns out she just wanted to pray for me and tell me she was worried I was going to hell.

/Hallmark doesn't make "You really need to get a divorce before it's too late" card.
//So I sent my own.


CSB counter:

I knew a very cool girl in high school. She married her high school sweetheart. They were both lapsed Catholics of the standard sort. Her husband joined the Air Force and converted to a weird fundamentalist  church, which I later learned happens a lot in the Air Force. She went with him for a while and tried to be a part of it but eventually couldn't stand it. They divorced and last I heard she had gone back to being awesome.
2013-04-29 10:08:12 AM
2 votes:

WhoopAssWayne: Ah yes, another enlightening thread with the fark teenaged atheists.

[imageshack.us image 287x312]

Don't worry - it's just a stage. Once you grow up a little more, you'll get over it.


Well, the important thing is that you've found a way to tell yourself that you are superior to everyone involved. Not that you have to exactly be a genius to take that away from the typical Fark thread.
2013-04-29 10:03:07 AM
2 votes:

Cythraul: EvilEgg: WhoopAssWayne: Ah yes, another enlightening thread with the fark teenaged atheists.

[imageshack.us image 287x312]

Don't worry - it's just a stage. Once you grow up a little more, you'll get over it.

It's kind of like when gay men first come out of the closet, they go through a queeny phase, then most settle back down again.

Really? It's the opposite for me. I'm getting a little more queenish as the years go on.


Maybe it's just my friends.  I guess three data points may not make a study.
2013-04-29 10:01:56 AM
2 votes:

Repo Man: It really is astonishing to me that anyone can believe in the concept of a place of never ending torment. A place that a "loving god" condemns you to for the most trivial reasons.


I heard it isn't really that bad.  Sure there's torture but there are regular coffee breaks and every Wednesday evening is bowling night.
2013-04-29 09:58:14 AM
2 votes:

WhoopAssWayne: Ah yes, another enlightening thread with the fark teenaged atheists.

[imageshack.us image 287x312]

Don't worry - it's just a stage. Once you grow up a little more, you'll get over it.


I'll grow up to be like you?
2013-04-29 09:53:03 AM
2 votes:
Ah yes, another enlightening thread with the fark teenaged atheists.

imageshack.us

Don't worry - it's just a stage. Once you grow up a little more, you'll get over it.
2013-04-29 09:50:11 AM
2 votes:
I can't figure out if this is serious, ironic, or double ironic trollish.
2013-04-29 09:44:36 AM
2 votes:
I thought Brian Jones drowned back in '69.
2013-04-29 08:15:38 AM
2 votes:
What the fark did I just read?
2013-04-29 07:47:24 PM
1 votes:
And the corrrect answer was..."Mormons. Everyone else is going to hell."
2013-04-29 07:23:01 PM
1 votes:
Way back in high school I had a fundie girlfriend who would routinely mention my atheistic ass was going to hell.  My general response was "and I'm sure God is a happy you're farking the hellbound".

/yeah, i know, why even date this person?
//because she was a shockingly sexual creature, sue me
2013-04-29 03:33:56 PM
1 votes:
But I need a religion that validates my wealth while everyone else suffers.

i.imgur.com

/I've heard musings as to why the ancient Romans got rid of their old gods;
//Too expensive for the rich, and too much wealth redistribution
///Zeus was a Muslim Socialist taking away your swords
2013-04-29 02:20:20 PM
1 votes:

Cythraul: What the fark did I just read?

i651.photobucket.com
2013-04-29 02:01:52 PM
1 votes:
TESTIFY!

media.cmgdigital.com
2013-04-29 02:01:49 PM
1 votes:

chewielouie: MayoSlather: And this is why atheists should go full douche on religion. These people need to be openly mocked and ridiculed of for their wild imaginations just like alien abduction and Sasquatch believers.

Yeah, they openly mocked and ridiculed Noah too.


Oh, so genocide is okay when GOD does it, I get it.
2013-04-29 01:56:53 PM
1 votes:
If Heaven is filled with douchbags like this guy and Hell is filled with awesome guys like Freddie Mercury, NPH, and Carl Sagen, then I'm pretty sure I know where I'd rather end up.

/can't go to Hell since I don't believe in it....
2013-04-29 01:52:07 PM
1 votes:

MayoSlather: And this is why atheists should go full douche on religion. These people need to be openly mocked and ridiculed of for their wild imaginations just like alien abduction and Sasquatch believers.


Yeah, they openly mocked and ridiculed Noah too.
2013-04-29 01:41:08 PM
1 votes:

WhoopAssWayne: Ah yes, another enlightening thread with the fark teenaged atheists.

[imageshack.us image 287x312]

Don't worry - it's just a stage. Once you grow up a little more, you'll get over it.


I'm 42. When can I expect to grow out of my non-belief?

Oh wait, I'm guessing it's right around the time I'm diagnosed with a terminal illness, or laid out on my death bed.
2013-04-29 01:39:03 PM
1 votes:

letrole: Atheism is a Religion.


I see I am not needed ITT. 7.89/10 one point deducted for brevity.
2013-04-29 01:29:40 PM
1 votes:

letrole: Atheism is a Religion.


True. I'm irreligious: I believe nothing.
2013-04-29 01:26:58 PM
1 votes:
Let's see...  Either I spend an eternity suffering in hell, or I spend an eternity in Heaven with Jesus and THOSE assholes?

Tough choice, I guess.
2013-04-29 01:20:20 PM
1 votes:

mcgreggers99: I see you're going with the "everyone places their faith in something" or "everyone worships something" line of thought.


He is just a simpleton that has been posting those exact 4 words over and over for literally years. And yes, I am using the correct definition of "literally".
2013-04-29 01:18:31 PM
1 votes:

letrole: Atheism is a Religion.


I see you're going with the "everyone places their faith in something" or "everyone worships something" line of thought.

I'm with ya. Better grab a flame shield real quick though just in case....

i498.photobucket.com
2013-04-29 01:11:15 PM
1 votes:
Atheism is a Religion.
2013-04-29 01:05:15 PM
1 votes:

ReverendJasen: alowishus: Which of these is the better person?

1. A Christian that believes I'm going to suffer for eternity, and tries to help me?
2. A Christian that believes I'm going to suffer for eternity, and does nothing for fear of being labeled a "dick"?

You know what #1 really is?  A Christian who believes they won't get to heaven unless they try to help you.


No that's number 3.  a lot of #1 don't think they'll go to hell if they don't meet a quota.
2013-04-29 01:04:04 PM
1 votes:

havocmike: When you die.. you die. That's it. Lights out. Maybe whatever your last few moments of conscious thought were will remain somehow with you for what feels like eternity.. maybe. So, try to make them nice. Other than that... there's no guy with a book judging you. There's no Bespin looking cloud city, nor any Mustaffar looking volcano planet. Just blackness, unconsciousness, nothingness and decay.

It sucks. I wish there were more. I wish there were reward for the just and punishment for the wicked, but it certainly seems unlikely.


Well I'm sure a lot of the farkheads I'd like to yell at and punch should I see them in the afterlife will be happy about that.
2013-04-29 01:02:43 PM
1 votes:
Egoy3k:

Any 'history' text the mentions Jesus existing is not 'non-religion'.   I'm not saying he didn't exist only that there is zero historical information to back it up and most historians tend to try and avoid making shiat up.

Ah.  All of the public schools I went to which consisted of every school I ever went to, never bother to say that.  Though one principal had colorful opinions about the student body president who informed the press that there "Would be prayer at graduation" forcing the city school board and school staff to accept it.  By the time they found out the whole city was in the know and 4 different tv stations were calling to ask where to set up.
2013-04-29 01:02:22 PM
1 votes:

WhoopAssWayne: Ah yes, another enlightening thread with the fark teenaged atheists.

[imageshack.us image 287x312]

Don't worry - it's just a stage. Once you grow up a little more, you'll get over it.


Condescending prick.
2013-04-29 01:01:42 PM
1 votes:
A year ago I was sent a bible thumper to work with. Ive worked with several people from many relgions and have gotten along with em well enough. The only ones I havent got on with are the ones that shove their religion in your face.  From about day one she was asking me what church I and the others we worked with belonged to she would ask me to give my definintion of words like judgement or ask me what it would take for me to be happy (that was fun because she was pretty much shocked by the answer) but after a while messing with her got old so I nipped it in the bud. I asked her if she had ever heard that talking about religion/politics in the workplace was pretty much an unwritten no no, the convo went kinda like this after I said that:

Biblethumper: Jesus is everywhere at all times and its my job to help soread the word blahblah blah (my eyes glazed over at this point and I was thinking about asian porn I think)
Groppet: Well last time I check Jesus wasent on payroll here and if he was here we would be making a lot more money.
Biblethumper: (blank look mouth open thought she was in a coma then he rbrain rebooted) I have no answer for that.
Groppet: Welcome to hell.
Biblethumper: (shocked) Thats not funny!
Groppet: Dont care get back to work or call HR. (walks away)

Once I almost had to send her home because her brother left their church because he got tired of funding their missions to Belieze. And she was on full meltdown, it was jsut scary she was on her phone talking with her brother about how he needed the church because he was the the body of it and needed the guidence from the pastor. After a while I told her to either get back to work or go home. she hung up and then started giving me an exorcism I think about the love of God and church. I shoulda told her why I left the church that woulda curled her toes.
She has calmed down a lot over the year and in August she goes back to good ole Liberty U.
2013-04-29 12:57:32 PM
1 votes:

alowishus: Which of these is the better person?

1. A Christian that believes I'm going to suffer for eternity, and tries to help me?
2. A Christian that believes I'm going to suffer for eternity, and does nothing for fear of being labeled a "dick"?



The second.  His irrational fears are his own problem, and I am not interested in having him share that problem with me.  Thanks for asking!
2013-04-29 12:55:34 PM
1 votes:
As I read that blog article I just got the sense of putting on more and more coats until what I was wearing was so heavy and binding that I couldn't do anything anymore.

Why does believing in a god require so much effort?
2013-04-29 12:52:13 PM
1 votes:

mcgreggers99: Scorn should be expected if one claims to be his follower.



This is absolutely true, if you believe in ridiculous, patently false, absurd nonsense, you should expect to be ridiculed by rational human beings.
2013-04-29 12:51:02 PM
1 votes:
non-girlfriend.com

Y'all are slipping
2013-04-29 12:38:37 PM
1 votes:

Quantum Apostrophe: WhoopAssWayne: Ah yes, another enlightening thread with the fark teenaged atheists.

[imageshack.us image 287x312]

Don't worry - it's just a stage. Once you grow up a little more, you'll get over it.

I'll grow up to be like you?


The horror!
2013-04-29 12:30:04 PM
1 votes:

Parthenogenetic: wingnut396: I May Be Crazy But...: Oh, you're one of THOSE sorts of atheist, you worthless piece of trash.

Everyone knows the right choice is Tabasco.

/I want a schism all my own.

Tabasco is crap.  Louisiana or Crystal Hot Sauce FTW...

You all deserve to roast in hell.

Really?  Y'all are discussing eating babies with HOT SAUCE? Disgusting!

Slow-roasted baby with tomato-based BBQ sauce is where it's at.


The more spiritually-advanced souls, such as myself, prefer mustard-based BBQ sauce.
2013-04-29 12:17:14 PM
1 votes:

I May Be Crazy But...: Queensowntalia: WhoopAssWayne: Ah yes, another enlightening thread with the fark teenaged atheists.

[imageshack.us image 287x312]

Don't worry - it's just a stage. Once you grow up a little more, you'll get over it.

Don't be silly. We don't have time to sit around debating Christianity. We're much too busy eating babies.

/Sriracha goes well

Oh, you're one of THOSE sorts of atheist, you worthless piece of trash.

Everyone knows the right choice is Tabasco.

/I want a schism all my own.


Frank's Red Hot.

I put that shiat on everything.
2013-04-29 12:15:57 PM
1 votes:
Strangely absent: abandon your bronze-age mythology and its primitive revenge fantasies.
2013-04-29 12:05:53 PM
1 votes:

DaAlien: Nobody's posted this yet?


That's on one of my old mixtapes. I actually met Burroughs as a young man, in a bookshop in Toronto. He was precisely what one would expect him to be: the dryest looking human I've ever met.
2013-04-29 11:59:16 AM
1 votes:

nmemkha: MayoSlather: There are lots of Christian types in this thread that are attempting to pull the "I'm a rational christian, not like this crazy guy." thing. And to that I say no, no you're not. You are just as batshiat.

We could care less what you think. You have more right to condemn our beliefs than we yours.

Go fark yourself you intolerant assbag.


1/10?

The misstatements, insults and illogical phrase use makes me think troll.  But then again, you could also just be demonstrating the intelligence of a typical believer.  Hard to tell.
2013-04-29 11:54:33 AM
1 votes:

MayoSlather: There are lots of Christian types in this thread that are attempting to pull the "I'm a rational christian, not like this crazy guy." thing. And to that I say no, no you're not. You are just as batshiat.


Well hell.  That makes it normal for fark
2013-04-29 11:53:03 AM
1 votes:
What I most hate about these kinds of posts is that they're guilty of the very sin they so freely use to condemn others.

The Bible is just packed full of verses that say you'd flaunt your religion.  You're told to pray indoors with the doors closed and not to proclaim your religion on street corners are the marketplace because that's what hypocrites do.  So this guy comes along and loudly proclaims his religion in public while, at the same time, saying that people cherry pick their Bible verses to support whatever religious belief they have.

Yes, sir, they most certainly do.
2013-04-29 11:52:29 AM
1 votes:

ReverendJasen: What's it mean when all those points were apparently meant as sarcasm yet they were all completely accurate?

Actually, I could have saved the poor guy a lot of typing and distress.
Step 1:  Mind your own business.
Step 2: Goto 1.


It means Christians are as good at satire as they are at their version of everything else they try to add their particular flavor to (Christian rock, Christian comedy, Christian children's cartoons, ect...)
2013-04-29 11:50:44 AM
1 votes:

Langston: Dear Mr. Jones:

I presume that you came to your faith through reading, reflection, and prayer. I too, spent a good amount of time reading, reflecting, and praying. Somehow, even though we both did the same thing, I heard a different call.

I did not hear a chorus of angels unraveling a singular path in front of me that led to a legion of evangelical Christian angels blowing trumpets over the burned corpses of false religions. I read a story a man who preached kindness, and gentleness, and forgiveness. Who told me that if a man stepped up and slapped me across my face, I should turn my other cheek to him. Who told me that if a thief robs me of my jacket, give him my shirt as well. Who told me to love my enemies and worship in private. Who loved those who sought him harm, not raising his hand to them as they punished, tortured and killed him.

Those are lofty principles that I have tried to uphold. I do so with the knowledge that my faith is my own, and I accept that others will choose to believe as they will, even if they choose to believe only what can be shown and proven. This is their right and I respect that. I do not care that I am more or less correct than them, only that I live a life that benefits those around me.

I hope that the structure of the universe is such that all of us in some way become better with experience, including a consciousness and knowledge that transcends death, and brings us closer to perfection. I hope that the structure of the universe is such that justice is meted out perfectly in time, that the poor may be comforted and the rich humbled. That the cruel ones feel and understand the pain they caused and the humble ones encouraged.

I cannot say what Christianity is. I only know what I want to become.



Beautifully said.  As an atheist I agree with nearly all of it (except the part of hoping that consciousness transcends death - I don't want that at all!)
2013-04-29 11:49:58 AM
1 votes:
I was raised in a Southern Baptist church, but it was shiat like this that drove me away.  So I'm a Hindu who was always faithful to my beliefs and spent my life helping others?  Sorry, you didn't accept Jesus Christ as your lord and savior, go burn in hell forever and ever.  But, hey, I'm a real scumbag who spent my life cheating people, stealing, lying to others, but just before my death I repented and said I believe in Jesus?  Welcome to Heaven, Christian!
2013-04-29 11:48:23 AM
1 votes:

MayoSlather: There are lots of Christian types in this thread that are attempting to pull the "I'm a rational christian, not like this crazy guy." thing. And to that I say no, no you're not. You are just as batshiat.


Yup. I am. There is no way to rationally explain one's faith to another human being....it is a personal experience unique for each individual. But I do believe in good and truth. I believe that evil exists, and so does good. I try to do good in my life based upon Jesus' example in the bible. I have seen people's lives changed for the better as a result of other batshiat people who believe the what's written in the batshiat book.

Not trying to kick a hornet's nest here, but trying to love and help people is a noble calling in life, and Jesus was the very best example that I can think of. Plus he's the one who said that he was the only way to heaven and that his followers would be hated.

Scorn should be expected if one claims to be his follower. If you don't ever experience a little friction as a result of your faith, then you're probably not being vocal enough about it.
2013-04-29 11:44:14 AM
1 votes:

Marcus Aurelius: In my experience, no good ever comes from "finding Jesus".


Why do people worship this guy? He sucks as hide and seek. People find him all the damn time.
2013-04-29 11:43:00 AM
1 votes:

God Is My Co-Pirate: You know the story of Cain and Abel? I've always hated that. Ever since I was a kid I knew it was unfair. Cain was a farmer and one season his crops didn't do well, and he didn't have a lot to offer God - but he still brought his best. Abel was a shepherd and brought his lambs to sacrifice. God arbitrarily decides he likes Abel's offerings but not Cain's and boom, you have the story of the first murder.


Gen 4:3-4 says that's not entirely accurate. Cain brings "his fruits", but Abel brings "his first-borns, the fattest [animals]" - the implication is that Abel offers the best of the best (A++++ would consume with heavenly fire again), and Cain offers only that which he can bear to part with.

I suppose you could make an argument that Cain's should have been "good enough", but the lesson of the story is that when you offer a sacrifice, it had better not be the dregs of your haul. "Good enough" is not good enough.

// besides which, Cain's beef was with god, not Abel
2013-04-29 11:37:53 AM
1 votes:
There are lots of Christian types in this thread that are attempting to pull the "I'm a rational christian, not like this crazy guy." thing. And to that I say no, no you're not. You are just as batshiat.
2013-04-29 11:26:24 AM
1 votes:

Noobian Noob: In related news, someone just posted on facebook that she is trying to fast but the devil is making their stomach growl.

*facepalm*



I tried to crucify myself, you know to honor Jesus, but the devil made it hurt so bad I couldn't finish.
2013-04-29 11:24:32 AM
1 votes:
1-10) Come to terms with the fact that you're going to hell too and try to be happy that you'll at least have your friends with you.
2013-04-29 11:12:14 AM
1 votes:

Parthenogenetic: wingnut396: I May Be Crazy But...: Oh, you're one of THOSE sorts of atheist, you worthless piece of trash.

Everyone knows the right choice is Tabasco.

/I want a schism all my own.

Tabasco is crap.  Louisiana or Crystal Hot Sauce FTW...

You all deserve to roast in hell.

Really?  Y'all are discussing eating babies with HOT SAUCE? Disgusting!

Slow-roasted baby with tomato-based BBQ sauce is where it's at.


I might be convinced to follow the screed of marinating them in tomatillo sauce, with some extra lime and olive oil.
2013-04-29 11:06:17 AM
1 votes:
Because as we all know, if there actually is a Creator you read the bible, he's too stupid to clearly communicate the way the world that he created works.

FTFYahweh
2013-04-29 11:01:55 AM
1 votes:

Copperbelly watersnake: Buddhism makes no hard demands on your life? Mahayana Buddhism demands that you devote eternity to service of others.


Hippies ruined the Western view of Buddhism. When people think of Buddhism as a totally laid back religion that just about like, being part of the universe, they're really just thinking of the hippie view of things. They don't realize that Buddhists can be just as hardline and dickish as any other religion.
2013-04-29 11:00:52 AM
1 votes:
That was verily unreadable.
2013-04-29 11:00:36 AM
1 votes:

WhoopAssWayne: Ah yes, another enlightening thread with the fark teenaged atheists.

[imageshack.us image 287x312]

Don't worry - it's just a stage. Once you grow up a little more, you'll get over it.


That's what I say about Jews, Muslims, and dolphins. It's just a phrase, and they'll eventually learn that Christianity is the one true religion. Especially with information about Jesus being freely available on the internet.
2013-04-29 10:58:52 AM
1 votes:

Marcintosh: to Judy- "why does my three year old need Sunday School?  She's a good kid, she doesn't do any thing wrong"
To me - It's not about religion, it's about control.
To Judy - I don't get it - she's three.  She does everything I ask her to.
To me - No, it's not about now, it's about later when you need to control her behavior
To Judy - ah, I see  .  .  .

So we decided that we would stop any religious activity toot - sweet and give her the choice of religions when she's out of her teen years, and our "control".
So far, the religious community isn't doing so well in her eyes.  Living right down to everyone's expectations.


If only there was some way to control the religious communities.......
2013-04-29 10:51:53 AM
1 votes:

Ant: WhoopAssWayne: Ah yes, another enlightening thread with the fark teenaged atheists.

Don't worry - it's just a stage. Once you grow up a little more, you'll get over it.

People with imaginary friends telling others to grow up?

/not a teenager, unfortunately/


I didn't become an atheist until I grew up and I'm definitely not a teenager.  I did dabble in several flavors of Christianity over my formative years (much to the consternation of my Catholic mother).  Attending a charismatic church for the first time was definitely eye-opening.  They are quite loony but definitely an entertaining group of god-botherers.
2013-04-29 10:51:22 AM
1 votes:
And this is why atheists should go full douche on religion. These people need to be openly mocked and ridiculed of for their wild imaginations just like alien abduction and Sasquatch believers.
Ant
2013-04-29 10:48:03 AM
1 votes:

stuhayes2010: Even as a little kid I would look at these people and think "they really believe they're talking to someone who is there?  I just don't get it."  30 years later, I still don't get it.


I don't get it either. In fact, when they're waving their hands in the air and swaying like that, those people kind of creep me out.
2013-04-29 10:43:16 AM
1 votes:
"Organized religion is a sham and a crutch for weak-minded people who need strength in numbers. It tells people to go out and stick their noses in other people's business. "
  d.gr-assets.com
2013-04-29 10:43:11 AM
1 votes:
Pea soup * your mother sews socks that smell *  more pea soup  -Saturday Night Live
2013-04-29 10:39:29 AM
1 votes:
I'm glad he didn't forget to talk about how important it was to give money to his church.  Cuz that's important in all religions.
2013-04-29 10:35:00 AM
1 votes:

WhoopAssWayne: Ah yes, another enlightening thread with the fark teenaged atheists.

[imageshack.us image 287x312]

Don't worry - it's just a stage. Once you grow up a little more, you'll get over it.


So "growing up" means accepting fairy tales as truth?

Can I worship Santa instead?  He might actually give me something.
2013-04-29 10:34:21 AM
1 votes:

Begoggle: I can't figure out if this is serious, ironic, or double ironic trollish.


I don't know, I read the blog of that "you deserve rape" preacher and sent him an e-mail asking if he was serious or an atheist troll or performance artist. He swears he is serious. I know Poe's Law applies but I think we can take this guy at his word.
2013-04-29 10:32:33 AM
1 votes:
I love the smell of sarcasm in the morning.
2013-04-29 10:31:10 AM
1 votes:
2013-04-29 10:26:44 AM
1 votes:

baka-san: Wow...

Just...

wow.


Alternative title:
How to be THAT religious guy
Being a buzz kill is a full time job and your just the guy!
2013-04-29 10:24:47 AM
1 votes:

markfara: I thought Brian Jones drowned back in '69.


Brian has drowned.  Brian is risen.  Brian will drown again.
2013-04-29 10:23:54 AM
1 votes:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0784718415

his book needs some more realistic reviews.
2013-04-29 10:21:13 AM
1 votes:
Stop being so deeply involved in your church. And for the love of God, stop giving to your church. Let other people do that. Stop drinking the Kool-Aid.

A-men
2013-04-29 10:16:40 AM
1 votes:
Is this satire? I am not sure...
2013-04-29 10:09:39 AM
1 votes:
2. Find a church that makes you feel like you're doing evangelism, but never actually encourages you to do it. Usually this falls under the heading of "getting involved in giving back to the community." Because that's why Jesus died on the cross. So we could "give back to the community."

Problem with this is their idea of "getting involved in giving back to the community" is jst saying "sending prayers" when something bad happens. Cause getting off your ass and actually doing something is hard.
2013-04-29 10:08:05 AM
1 votes:

abfalter: I am not a believer but if I did there is no way that I would worship a god that would punish you for an infinite amount of torment for a finite number of sins.


It is just how he shows his infinite love ... with infinite suffering for one mistake.

/seems fair to me
2013-04-29 10:07:33 AM
1 votes:

Cheron: When I was younger I saw the Exorcist and at one point the demon looks at the priest and says, "your mother does acts of perversion in hell."


Hmm. Did you see the edited tv version?
2013-04-29 10:05:00 AM
1 votes:
Religion is a lot like alcohol, it's only good in moderation.
2013-04-29 10:04:35 AM
1 votes:

WhoopAssWayne: Ah yes, another enlightening thread with the fark teenaged atheists.

[imageshack.us image 287x312]

Don't worry - it's just a stage. Once you grow up a little more, you'll get over it.


And become a jihadist, right? It's the American way.
2013-04-29 10:03:36 AM
1 votes:
When I was a Christian, I (along with all my Christian friends) used to do this. When someone would die that you knew wasn't "saved", one of the first things we would say is "I just can't stand the thought of him/her not being in heaven". Isn't that sick? That's the most IMPORTANT thing we could think about when someone passed?? UGH. I'm so glad I don't live that life anymore.
2013-04-29 10:01:09 AM
1 votes:
Cythraul: "What the fark did I just read?"

Poe's Law, Exhibit A?
2013-04-29 10:01:06 AM
1 votes:

Cythraul: What the fark did I just read?


The screed of an arrogant c*unt. Both the pastor and the purported author of the Old Testament: "Abase yourself and toss My celestial salad or it's the lake of fire for you, puny mortal!"

Also, wasn't this last night's Simpsons episode? Is this guy the real life Flanders Lovejoy?

Also, he misspelled "Christianity". In my book of Obergruppenfuhrer's Big Book of Grammar, that's a flaming brimstone poker up the ass.

Not that there's anything ungodly about that.
2013-04-29 10:00:23 AM
1 votes:
Is this guy for real, or is he another one of those militant atheists who mock fundamentalists by pretending to be a Christian a-hole?
2013-04-29 09:59:55 AM
1 votes:

EvilEgg: WhoopAssWayne: Ah yes, another enlightening thread with the fark teenaged atheists.

[imageshack.us image 287x312]

Don't worry - it's just a stage. Once you grow up a little more, you'll get over it.

It's kind of like when gay men first come out of the closet, they go through a queeny phase, then most settle back down again.


Really? It's the opposite for me. I'm getting a little more queenish as the years go on.
2013-04-29 09:58:59 AM
1 votes:

WhoopAssWayne: Ah yes, another enlightening thread with the fark teenaged atheists.

[imageshack.us image 287x312]

Don't worry - it's just a stage. Once you grow up a little more, you'll get over it.


Ummm ... the thread is about and article written by a pastor who is sarcastically chastising christians for not being annoying enough to non-believers.

How is this an atheist thread? Or is that your standard knee-jerk response to every story on religion ... "Those darn atheists might have a opinion on this story so I must be a good christian and call them teenagers before they even post anything!!".
2013-04-29 09:58:54 AM
1 votes:
At first, I was like- hey a Christian that gets it...
2013-04-29 09:58:21 AM
1 votes:

Ned Stark: This is why I don't like moderate religious people. You think I'm going to hell for all eternity to face unimaginable torture because I haven't done something as simple as accepting Jesus and you aren't gonna be at least a little pushy about it? Well screw you Jack. Ill talk to someone who hives a damn.


[inigo.jpg]

A moderate doesn't get all up in your business about the fundamentals of their religious beliefs. That's called something else.
2013-04-29 09:56:14 AM
1 votes:
I bet he's a hit at Fark parties.
2013-04-29 09:56:13 AM
1 votes:
11. Live like Jesus commanded, loving everyone (including your enemies) as you love yourself, and bearing the Fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control) in such abundance that people ask you how it is that your light shines before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.

Or just threaten anybody who you don't like with eternal damnation where the fire burneth eternally, and the worm dieth not, beseeching them to be perfect, like you.  That'll work.
2013-04-29 09:55:01 AM
1 votes:

stuhayes2010: [brianjones.com image 640x427]
Even as a little kid I would look at these people and think "they really believe they're talking to someone who is there?  I just don't get it."  30 years later, I still don't get it.  Sundays should be spent with friends and family, not handing money to a tax free organization.


In my experience, no good ever comes from "finding Jesus".
2013-04-29 09:54:36 AM
1 votes:

WhoopAssWayne: Ah yes, another enlightening thread with the fark teenaged atheists.

[imageshack.us image 287x312]

Don't worry - it's just a stage. Once you grow up a little more, you'll get over it.


It's kind of like when gay men first come out of the closet, they go through a queeny phase, then most settle back down again.
2013-04-29 09:53:37 AM
1 votes:
brianjones.com
Even as a little kid I would look at these people and think "they really believe they're talking to someone who is there?  I just don't get it."  30 years later, I still don't get it.  Sundays should be spent with friends and family, not handing money to a tax free organization.
2013-04-29 09:49:49 AM
1 votes:
Stop reading the gospels in your daily time with God. Jesus constantly talked about the afterlife, especially hell. Let's be honest: it's pretty tiring to have to keep shielding your eyes fromthose verses while hunting for the gems that talk about how you can be happy and successful.

Oh, the irony.
2013-04-29 09:46:34 AM
1 votes:
What's it mean when all those points were apparently meant as sarcasm yet they were all completely accurate?

Actually, I could have saved the poor guy a lot of typing and distress.
Step 1:  Mind your own business.
Step 2: Goto 1.
2013-04-29 09:45:02 AM
1 votes:
I wish that was serious advice from a real preacher that christians would all listen to.

/really
2013-04-29 09:24:52 AM
1 votes:
Dear Mr. Jones:

I presume that you came to your faith through reading, reflection, and prayer. I too, spent a good amount of time reading, reflecting, and praying. Somehow, even though we both did the same thing, I heard a different call.

I did not hear a chorus of angels unraveling a singular path in front of me that led to a legion of evangelical Christian angels blowing trumpets over the burned corpses of false religions. I read a story a man who preached kindness, and gentleness, and forgiveness. Who told me that if a man stepped up and slapped me across my face, I should turn my other cheek to him. Who told me that if a thief robs me of my jacket, give him my shirt as well. Who told me to love my enemies and worship in private. Who loved those who sought him harm, not raising his hand to them as they punished, tortured and killed him.

Those are lofty principles that I have tried to uphold. I do so with the knowledge that my faith is my own, and I accept that others will choose to believe as they will, even if they choose to believe only what can be shown and proven. This is their right and I respect that. I do not care that I am more or less correct than them, only that I live a life that benefits those around me.

I hope that the structure of the universe is such that all of us in some way become better with experience, including a consciousness and knowledge that transcends death, and brings us closer to perfection. I hope that the structure of the universe is such that justice is meted out perfectly in time, that the poor may be comforted and the rich humbled. That the cruel ones feel and understand the pain they caused and the humble ones encouraged.

I cannot say what Christianity is. I only know what I want to become.
2013-04-29 08:14:45 AM
1 votes:
Wow...

Just...

wow.
 
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