If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(BrianJones.com)   "10 ways to stop feeling guilty your friend is going to hell"   (brianjones.com) divider line 288
    More: Amusing, pastors  
•       •       •

15891 clicks; posted to Main » on 29 Apr 2013 at 9:32 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



288 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

Archived thread

First | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | » | Last | Show all
 
2013-04-29 10:01:56 AM

Repo Man: It really is astonishing to me that anyone can believe in the concept of a place of never ending torment. A place that a "loving god" condemns you to for the most trivial reasons.


I heard it isn't really that bad.  Sure there's torture but there are regular coffee breaks and every Wednesday evening is bowling night.
 
2013-04-29 10:02:12 AM
Can't view it here, could somebody please repost, or is it too long?
 
2013-04-29 10:02:21 AM
Jesus constantly talked about the afterlife, especially hell.

*sigh*
He also had a problem with self-righteousness, but you didn't let that stop you now, did it?
 
2013-04-29 10:02:38 AM

Langston: Dear Mr. Jones:

I presume that you came to your faith through reading, reflection, and prayer. I too, spent a good amount of time reading, reflecting, and praying. Somehow, even though we both did the same thing, I heard a different call.

I did not hear a chorus of angels unraveling a singular path in front of me that led to a legion of evangelical Christian angels blowing trumpets over the burned corpses of false religions. I read a story a man who preached kindness, and gentleness, and forgiveness. Who told me that if a man stepped up and slapped me across my face, I should turn my other cheek to him. Who told me that if a thief robs me of my jacket, give him my shirt as well. Who told me to love my enemies and worship in private. Who loved those who sought him harm, not raising his hand to them as they punished, tortured and killed him.

Those are lofty principles that I have tried to uphold. I do so with the knowledge that my faith is my own, and I accept that others will choose to believe as they will, even if they choose to believe only what can be shown and proven. This is their right and I respect that. I do not care that I am more or less correct than them, only that I live a life that benefits those around me.

I hope that the structure of the universe is such that all of us in some way become better with experience, including a consciousness and knowledge that transcends death, and brings us closer to perfection. I hope that the structure of the universe is such that justice is meted out perfectly in time, that the poor may be comforted and the rich humbled. That the cruel ones feel and understand the pain they caused and the humble ones encouraged.

I cannot say what Christianity is. I only know what I want to become.


Stop being a religious person I could consider reasonable enough to buy a pint!

IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.

/seriously, nice chunk o' writing, bro.
 
2013-04-29 10:03:04 AM

Dr Dreidel: Ned Stark: This is why I don't like moderate religious people. You think I'm going to hell for all eternity to face unimaginable torture because I haven't done something as simple as accepting Jesus and you aren't gonna be at least a little pushy about it? Well screw you Jack. Ill talk to someone who hives a damn.

[inigo.jpg]

A moderate doesn't get all up in your business about the fundamentals of their religious beliefs. That's called something else.


[that's the joke.jpg]

If you really, truly believed that everyone was doomed to spend eternity in Sheol, and that the simple act of accepting forgiveness from Jesus would prevent that, you would be preaching the Gospel night and day to anybody within earshot.

He's making fun of the apathetic Christian who professes to believe what is espoused in the Apostle's Creed, yet won't bother with trying to act on it because it is inconvenient and potentially embarassing.
 
2013-04-29 10:03:07 AM

Cythraul: EvilEgg: WhoopAssWayne: Ah yes, another enlightening thread with the fark teenaged atheists.

[imageshack.us image 287x312]

Don't worry - it's just a stage. Once you grow up a little more, you'll get over it.

It's kind of like when gay men first come out of the closet, they go through a queeny phase, then most settle back down again.

Really? It's the opposite for me. I'm getting a little more queenish as the years go on.


Maybe it's just my friends.  I guess three data points may not make a study.
 
2013-04-29 10:03:17 AM

Dr Dreidel: Ned Stark: This is why I don't like moderate religious people. You think I'm going to hell for all eternity to face unimaginable torture because I haven't done something as simple as accepting Jesus and you aren't gonna be at least a little pushy about it? Well screw you Jack. Ill talk to someone who hives a damn.

[inigo.jpg]

A moderate doesn't get all up in your business about the fundamentals of their religious beliefs. That's called something else.


Yes, that's what I'm saying.
 
2013-04-29 10:03:36 AM
When I was a Christian, I (along with all my Christian friends) used to do this. When someone would die that you knew wasn't "saved", one of the first things we would say is "I just can't stand the thought of him/her not being in heaven". Isn't that sick? That's the most IMPORTANT thing we could think about when someone passed?? UGH. I'm so glad I don't live that life anymore.
 
2013-04-29 10:03:50 AM
*did you?*

/sleepy sinner
 
2013-04-29 10:04:33 AM

stuhayes2010: [brianjones.com image 640x427]
Even as a little kid I would look at these people and think "they really believe they're talking to someone who is there?  I just don't get it."  30 years later, I still don't get it.  Sundays should be spent with friends and family sleeping off Saturday night's hangover until well after noon, not handing money to a tax free organization.


I have corrected your error.

/That is how everyone spends their Sundays, correct?
 
2013-04-29 10:04:35 AM

WhoopAssWayne: Ah yes, another enlightening thread with the fark teenaged atheists.

[imageshack.us image 287x312]

Don't worry - it's just a stage. Once you grow up a little more, you'll get over it.


And become a jihadist, right? It's the American way.
 
2013-04-29 10:04:37 AM
Passive Aggressive Pastor is passive aggressive.
 
2013-04-29 10:05:00 AM
Religion is a lot like alcohol, it's only good in moderation.
 
2013-04-29 10:05:58 AM

Repo Man: It really is astonishing to me that anyone can believe in the concept of a place of never ending torment. A place that a "loving god" condemns you to for the most trivial reasons.



I am not a believer but if I did there is no way that I would worship a god that would punish you for an infinite amount of torment for a finite number of sins.

I would not worship a god that is supposed to be all powerful yet allows such torment to exist.

I would fear such a being.  I might even obey it, out of fear.  But I would not love it.
 
2013-04-29 10:06:19 AM
I'm going to hell and I'm OK with that. When I was younger I saw the Exorcist and at one point the demon looks at the priest and says, "your mother does acts of perversion in hell."  So hell might be bad but they get recreation breaks
 
2013-04-29 10:06:47 AM
Why would I go to your Hell if I don't believe in your Heaven?
 
2013-04-29 10:07:33 AM

Cheron: When I was younger I saw the Exorcist and at one point the demon looks at the priest and says, "your mother does acts of perversion in hell."


Hmm. Did you see the edited tv version?
 
2013-04-29 10:07:52 AM

E5bie: Is this guy for real, or is he another one of those militant atheists who mock fundamentalists by pretending to be a Christian a-hole?


It's a hell of a faint and thin line, ain't it? Like Jerry Lewis as The Clown Who Cried, I'm unsure how to laugh, why or even if.
 
2013-04-29 10:08:05 AM

abfalter: I am not a believer but if I did there is no way that I would worship a god that would punish you for an infinite amount of torment for a finite number of sins.


It is just how he shows his infinite love ... with infinite suffering for one mistake.

/seems fair to me
 
2013-04-29 10:08:12 AM

WhoopAssWayne: Ah yes, another enlightening thread with the fark teenaged atheists.

[imageshack.us image 287x312]

Don't worry - it's just a stage. Once you grow up a little more, you'll get over it.


Well, the important thing is that you've found a way to tell yourself that you are superior to everyone involved. Not that you have to exactly be a genius to take that away from the typical Fark thread.
 
2013-04-29 10:08:52 AM

God Is My Co-Pirate: Can't view it here, could somebody please repost, or is it too long?


OK, fine.  It's probably not technically "fair use", but if the author is truly a Christian, he would not object to reproducing it here, unaltered (including links), and without disparaging commentary in this post.  After all, someone might read it, and have the fire of the Holy Spirit kindled within his/her soul, right?

1. Here's the easiest one: Stop being a part of a church that "irritatingly" teaches the Bible, especially the parts that make you feel bad for the low number of times you have personally shared your faith. After all, the purpose of going to church is just to make you feel good. Right?

2. Find a church that makes you feel like you're doing evangelism, but never actually encourages you to do it. Usually this falls under the heading of "getting involved in giving back to the community." Because that's why Jesus died on the cross. So we could "give back to the community."

3. Never, under any circumstances, pray for your non-Christian friends to accept Christ. At least not more than once. That would be creepy and fanatical.

4. Stop reading the gospels in your daily time with God. Jesus constantly talked about the afterlife, especially hell. Let's be honest: it's pretty tiring to have to keep shielding your eyes from those verses while hunting for the gems that talk about how you can be happy and successful.

5. Lie to yourself when you feel a twinge of guilt for not sharing your faith by repeating the phrase: "Evangelism is God's (and my pastor's) job. My job is to be a good example."

6. Justify your lack of evangelism by telling yourself that you're trying to not be like the creepy fundamentalists who come on too strong. Like the nuts on Facebook or that crazy church who sent people to your door recently. Because in every other area of your life, of course you stop doing important things because other people take things a little too far.

7. Dabble in other religions, especially Buddhism. Buddhists are cool. You don't have to believe in God and there are no hard demands made on your life. Of course keep your Christian "cover" (most of your friends are Christians, and, quite frankly, it's good for business contacts), but don't let the Christainity thing go to your head. It's all pretty much the same thing.

8. Stop being so deeply involved in your church. And for the love of God, stop giving to your church. Let other people do that. Stop drinking the Kool-Aid. Money will eventually drop out of the sky to create and nurture ministries that build up believers and reach non-Christians. Other people will pay for the awesome stuff the church does for your kids. Let other people sacrifice. You spend that hard-earned money on yourself.

9. Every time the topic of hell comes up, bring up the example of the poor lonely native in Africa that's never heard the gospel, and how it would be horrible if God sent that person to hell. Then make sure you add, "That's not the God I choose to believe in." Because as we all know, if there actually is a Creator, he's too stupid to clearly communicate the way the world that he created works. And he definitely won't mind if you "create your own" version of reality.

10. Completely block out of your mind the scene of your friend standing before God on judgment day. And the fact when he or she looks back on all the time they spent with you they'll wonder how in the world you justified not doing everything within your power to nudge them back toward God. Yes, you talked about football, politics, golf, and the Kardashian sisters. But talking about Jesus would have been out of line. I get it. You don't need that on your conscience. Block it out. You have too much stress in your life as it is. Just do the Buddhist thing and block it all out. Turn on some Jimmy Buffet. And stick to dreaming about your summer vacation.
 
2013-04-29 10:09:18 AM
I'll give him one.

FTA: "Evangelism is God's (and my pastor's) job. My job is to be a good example."

Every religious person who refuses to abide by this should have it tattooed in mirror image on their forehead.  I respect your right to have your beliefs.  I don't want to hear about them.  If you try to convert me, I'll consider myself in imminent danger from a mentally unbalanced person.  I live in a "Stand Your Ground" state too.
 
2013-04-29 10:09:39 AM
2. Find a church that makes you feel like you're doing evangelism, but never actually encourages you to do it. Usually this falls under the heading of "getting involved in giving back to the community." Because that's why Jesus died on the cross. So we could "give back to the community."

Problem with this is their idea of "getting involved in giving back to the community" is jst saying "sending prayers" when something bad happens. Cause getting off your ass and actually doing something is hard.
 
2013-04-29 10:10:34 AM

God Is My Co-Pirate: Can't view it here, could somebody please repost, or is it too long?


TFA: 10 Ways To Stop Feeling Guilty Your Friend Is Going To Hell
1. Here's the easiest one: Stop being a part of a church that "irritatingly" teaches the Bible, especially the parts that make you feel bad for the low number of times you have personally shared your faith. After all, the purpose of going to church is just to make you feel good. Right?
2. Find a church that makes you feel like you're doing evangelism, but never actually encourages you to do it. Usually this falls under the heading of "getting involved in giving back to the community." Because that's why Jesus died on the cross. So we could "give back to the community."
3. Never, under any circumstances, pray for your non-Christian friends to accept Christ. At least not more than once. That would be creepy and fanatical.
4. Stop reading the gospels in your daily time with God. Jesus constantly talked about the afterlife, especially hell. Let's be honest: it's pretty tiring to have to keep shielding your eyes from those verses while hunting for the gems that talk about how you can be happy and successful.
5. Lie to yourself when you feel a twinge of guilt for not sharing your faith by repeating the phrase: "Evangelism is God's (and my pastor's) job. My job is to be a good example."
6. Justify your lack of evangelism by telling yourself that you're trying to not be like the creepy fundamentalists who come on too strong. Like the nuts on Facebook or that crazy church who sent people to your door recently. Because in every other area of your life, of course you stop doing important things because other people take things a little too far.
7. Dabble in other religions, especially Buddhism. Buddhists are cool. You don't have to believe in God and there are no hard demands made on your life. Of course keep your Christian "cover" (most of your friends are Christians, and, quite frankly, it's good for business contacts), but don't let the Christainity thing go to your head. It's all pretty much the same thing.
8. Stop being so deeply involved in your church. And for the love of God, stop giving to your church. Let other people do that. Stop drinking the Kool-Aid. Money will eventually drop out of the sky to create and nurture ministries that build up believers and reach non-Christians. Other people will pay for the awesome stuff the church does for your kids. Let other people sacrifice. You spend that hard-earned money on yourself.
9. Every time the topic of hell comes up, bring up the example of the poor lonely native in Africa that's never heard the gospel, and how it would be horrible if God sent that person to hell. Then make sure you add, "That's not the God I choose to believe in." Because as we all know, if there actually is a Creator, he's too stupid to clearly communicate the way the world that he created works. And he definitely won't mind if you "create your own" version of reality.
10. Completely block out of your mind the scene of your friend standing before God on judgment day. And the fact when he or she looks back on all the time they spent with you they'll wonder how in the world you justified not doing everything within your power to nudge them back toward God. Yes, you talked about football, politics, golf, and the Kardashian sisters. But talking about Jesus would have been out of line. I get it. You don't need that on your conscience. Block it out. You have too much stress in your life as it is. Just do the Buddhist thing and block it all out. Turn on some Jimmy Buffet. And stick to dreaming about your summer vacation.
 
2013-04-29 10:11:44 AM
Wow it's no wonder that most religious organizations have shrinking numbers of members. Treating your own members with disdain and using passive aggressive sarcasm to shame them isn't the best way to get people on your side.  I mean if you have a problem with the actions of your congregation tell them. Don't be a whiny douche about it and the act all surprised when they think you are a whiny douche and stop showing up.
 
2013-04-29 10:12:52 AM

The Green Intern: CSB time.

From my first day of school to the time I was old enough to get my school permit, I rode the bus with a girl who was the kindest, most open and tolerant person I'd ever met.  She got engaged to some born-again Christian guy and the next thing you know, she's saying things like "Schindler's list was sad, sure, but they're all going to hell anyway."  And then she invited me to meet up and catch up before the wedding.

Turns out she just wanted to pray for me and tell me she was worried I was going to hell.

/Hallmark doesn't make "You really need to get a divorce before it's too late" card.
//So I sent my own.


CSB counter:

I knew a very cool girl in high school. She married her high school sweetheart. They were both lapsed Catholics of the standard sort. Her husband joined the Air Force and converted to a weird fundamentalist  church, which I later learned happens a lot in the Air Force. She went with him for a while and tried to be a part of it but eventually couldn't stand it. They divorced and last I heard she had gone back to being awesome.
 
2013-04-29 10:14:27 AM
Follow these four things and you should be ok, religious or not.

1) don't be a dick
2) don't be a dick
3) don't be a dick
and finally the big #4) don't be a dick

This includes not judging others for the beliefs (or lack of), and in general, you could probably simplify it to a single item: don't be a dick.

Problem is, most fail # 1 and 2 almost right away, some manage those, but then fail at 3 and/or 4.
 
2013-04-29 10:14:53 AM

WhoopAssWayne: Ah yes, another enlightening thread with the fark teenaged atheists.

[imageshack.us image 287x312]

Don't worry - it's just a stage. Once you grow up a little more, you'll get over it.


Don't be silly. We don't have time to sit around debating Christianity. We're much too busy eating babies.

/Sriracha goes well
 
2013-04-29 10:15:18 AM

mamoru: Cythraul: What the fark did I just read?

 
2013-04-29 10:16:14 AM

limeybrit9: "7. Dabble in other religions, especially Buddhism. Buddhists are cool. You don't have to believe in God and there are no hard demands made on your life. Of course keep your Christian "cover" (most of your friends are Christians, and, quite frankly, it's good for business contacts), but don't let the Christianity thing go to your head. It's all pretty much the same thing. "

Yeah, damn straight... it's a lot of effort to learn how your friends and neighbors process and interpret subjective concepts like morals or ethics before berating them on a daily basis for not believing exactly the same crap your parents force-fed you as a child.


Buddhists are prettey cool, actually...spent some time with them in me early 20s (after I'd had 3 'crisis of faith's in 3 different religions).
"God" is NOT standing by with an itchy trigger finger, just waiting to smite you. You CAN make a difference in your life condition by the choices you make, and you know what? It's YOUR responsibility...and choice if/when/where to do so.
Very freeing and empowering, actually...
 
2013-04-29 10:16:40 AM
Is this satire? I am not sure...
 
2013-04-29 10:18:25 AM

Cheron: I'm going to hell and I'm OK with that. When I was younger I saw the Exorcist and at one point the demon looks at the priest and says, "your mother does acts of perversion in hell."  So hell might be bad but they get recreation breaks


I'm going to rot, personally, except there won't be an "I" to contemplate that. Because, you know, I'll be dead, and that's the end of me. The container breaks, but the consciousness isn't a magic vapour that flies off to a celestial customs gate; it's part of the container, and ceases to exist. If I'm wrong, I guess I'll find out. Or not. Whatever.

I'll do my best to arrange to rot in a forest, as being tree food and squirrel snacks seems fair, given all the wood, paper and critters I've used. I'll try to arrange for a crate of single malt for my surviving friends and kin to toast my memory. Aside from that, I'm not much bothered about it. Along with "slowing the rotation of the Earth", it's not something I can easily alter, only perhaps defer for a few years through diet and exercise.

All this jibber-jabber about Jeebus and Heck and eternal hot-sauced judgement just eats up valuable time that would be better used by being less of a dickhead while in meat form, or picking up trash, or scratching a dog's ear, or slipping on a condom, any of which are superior life choices to participating in sick mind cults/fundie behaviour of any stripe.
 
2013-04-29 10:20:42 AM

E5bie: Is this guy for real, or is he another one of those militant atheists who mock fundamentalists by pretending to be a Christian a-hole?


I've heard all that before, so yeah, he's for real.
 
2013-04-29 10:21:13 AM
Stop being so deeply involved in your church. And for the love of God, stop giving to your church. Let other people do that. Stop drinking the Kool-Aid.

A-men
 
2013-04-29 10:21:13 AM
Thanks. Wow, this guy has never met a Buddhist, has he?
 
2013-04-29 10:22:01 AM

Ned Stark: This is why I don't like moderate religious people. You think I'm going to hell for all eternity to face unimaginable torture because I haven't done something as simple as accepting Jesus and you aren't gonna be at least a little pushy about it? Well screw you Jack. Ill talk to someone who hives a damn.


Not all Christians think you are going to hell for eternity. The number who don't is larger among moderate Christians.
 
2013-04-29 10:23:54 AM
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0784718415

his book needs some more realistic reviews.
 
2013-04-29 10:24:23 AM
Blessed are the cheesemakers.
 
2013-04-29 10:24:42 AM

God Is My Co-Pirate: Thanks. Wow, this guy has never met a Buddhist, has he?


His head appears to be so far up his own ass, I suspect he's only ever met Sunday dinner.

Sarcastic passive-aggression/mockery is actually pretty rare in organized religion, because it's the stepbrother to full-on bullying, which was given a bad name during the Inquisition.

This guy could've been a Jesuit instead of one of those penta-snakehandler-no-sex-standing-up/might-lead-to-dancing Protestant sects, which it is very likely he is.
 
2013-04-29 10:24:47 AM

markfara: I thought Brian Jones drowned back in '69.


Brian has drowned.  Brian is risen.  Brian will drown again.
 
2013-04-29 10:26:05 AM
4. Stop reading the gospels in your daily time with God. Jesus constantly talked about the afterlife, especially hell.

No, no he didn't.
 
2013-04-29 10:26:31 AM

Valiente: Stop being a religious person I could consider reasonable enough to buy a pint!


I don't really label myself a Christian. I just want to be a good person.
 
2013-04-29 10:26:43 AM

Cheron: I'm going to hell and I'm OK with that. When I was younger I saw the Exorcist and at one point the demon looks at the priest and says, "your mother does acts of perversion in hell."  So hell might be bad but they get recreation breaks


Acts of perversion = finding a stranger in the Alps

// should be an urbandictionary term if it isn't already
// although I know "skiing the Alps" is slang for inhaling the ol' Devil's Dandruff
 
2013-04-29 10:26:44 AM

baka-san: Wow...

Just...

wow.


Alternative title:
How to be THAT religious guy
Being a buzz kill is a full time job and your just the guy!
 
2013-04-29 10:27:48 AM
Missing from the list, simply because.

#11 Some of them I can't stand to be around more than 5 times a year.  Why be stuck with them for eternity.

Not that I wouldn't try to say anything.  I just would spend a lot of eternity running away from them.
 
2013-04-29 10:27:59 AM
AngryDragon: "I'll give him one."

The list was attempted sarcasm. TFAuthor's advocating the complete opposite of those items.
 
2013-04-29 10:31:10 AM
 
2013-04-29 10:32:13 AM

Langston: Valiente: Stop being a religious person I could consider reasonable enough to buy a pint!

I don't really label myself a Christian. I just want to be a good person.


Well, if that's how you actually try to live, you are ahead of most monotheists of my acquaintance. Most of them veer in a narrow range between points marked "bigotry", "sanctimony" and "hypocrisy".

Pastor Dickhead is right about one thing: If his followers actually stuck to the program, they would have miserable lives as would the people around them they were constantly harrassing.
 
2013-04-29 10:32:33 AM
I love the smell of sarcasm in the morning.
 
2013-04-29 10:34:21 AM

Begoggle: I can't figure out if this is serious, ironic, or double ironic trollish.


I don't know, I read the blog of that "you deserve rape" preacher and sent him an e-mail asking if he was serious or an atheist troll or performance artist. He swears he is serious. I know Poe's Law applies but I think we can take this guy at his word.
 
Displayed 50 of 288 comments

First | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | » | Last | Show all

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »






Report