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(Some Guy)   Problem: You love going to the mall but it's across a major road with few pedestrian crossings. Opportunity: You have a ridiculous amount of free time. Fark Solution: Dig a secret tunnel from your house to the mall   (yolkregion.ca ) divider line 77
    More: Satire, pedestrian crosss, secret passage, Upper Canada Mall, Duane Oppenheimer, Newmarket, highways, Andrea Smyrna  
•       •       •

12990 clicks; posted to Main » on 26 Apr 2013 at 11:35 AM (2 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



77 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2013-04-26 11:12:46 AM  
Nice.  I love this part:

After climbing down the hatchway to investigate, 4 police officers and mall security staff found a surprisingly well-built structure with adequate support beams and ventilation. A number of Zellers shopping carts were found at both ends of the tunnel, along with emergency instructions, Oppenheimer's cell number and a supply of candles. "They seem to have thought of just about everything, except the law", said Constable Stanley Sharp. "

I hope they don't arrest the guy, because he'll just tunnel out of where ever they put him.
 
2013-04-26 11:25:05 AM  
This must be Canada's answer to the Onion. Obviously fake story is obviously fake. Look at some of the other stories, and you'll never complain about the Onion again.
 
2013-04-26 11:29:41 AM  
Also, it's two years old for fark's sake.
 
2013-04-26 11:39:14 AM  
"They seem to have thought of just about everything, except the law", said Constable Stanley Sharp

It's a lot easier to get forgiveness than permission.
 
2013-04-26 11:39:17 AM  
I know where he put the dirt -

up your mom's butt

/ha
 
2013-04-26 11:39:42 AM  
They should change the exit points a bit and clean it up a bit, if it's in such good shape.  Then open it to the public and at least reimburse their costs for digging it.
 
2013-04-26 11:39:57 AM  

show me: Also, it's two years old for fark's sake.


So, you're saying that it's not news?

Could it be FARK.com?
 
2013-04-26 11:40:26 AM  

jsteiner78: I know where he put the dirt -

up your mom's butt

/ha


Interorectrogestion?
 
2013-04-26 11:40:35 AM  
Aweeee I wanted to believe it was true :(
 
2013-04-26 11:40:47 AM  

show me: This must be Canada's answer to the Onion. Obviously fake story is obviously fake. Look at some of the other stories, and you'll never complain about the Onion again.


DisclaimerThe content on this website is intended for satirical and entertainment purposes only. If after reading any portion the Yolk, you experience sudden feelings of edification, enlightenment, euphoria and/or optimism, please accept our heartfelt apologies - even though we're pretty sure we had nothing to do with it. Just remember, we live in strange but interesting times and so it stands to reason that strange and even impossible things may appear in the pages of the Yolk.


Ayep.
 
2013-04-26 11:41:20 AM  
And farkers make fun of other sites for being duped by Onion articles...
 
2013-04-26 11:42:51 AM  

dittybopper: "They seem to have thought of just about everything, except the law",


Hahahahahaha I don't care if this story is fake, that line is gold.
 
2013-04-26 11:43:32 AM  

show me: Also, it's two years old for fark's sake.


Hey, the tunnel didn't happen overnight FFS.
 
2013-04-26 11:44:33 AM  

Marcus Aurelius: show me: Also, it's two years old for fark's sake.

So, you're saying that it's not news?

Could it be FARK.com?


I've had greenlit articles reverted to red because of butthurt commenters saying how old the story is.
 
2013-04-26 11:44:35 AM  
"I hope the fountain in the food court is as blue as in my dreams. I hope."
 
2013-04-26 11:45:25 AM  
I knew the story to be a fabrication by the omission of the only possible image of the perpetrator:

www.veryicon.com
 
2013-04-26 11:45:34 AM  
I remember a sign hanging outside a transformer Bar on Bourbon Street that said "Its fun to be Fooled'
The Stage show was Hilarious!
 
2013-04-26 11:45:47 AM  
I was hoping that was a real article.  Then I read the other stories on that site.
 
2013-04-26 11:45:52 AM  
About as real as this
4.bp.blogspot.com
 
2013-04-26 11:45:52 AM  
I'd want this guy as a cellmate in prison, if this was true.
 
2013-04-26 11:46:01 AM  
Mall officials are debating whether to fill in the tunnel or turn it into a pedestrian-friendly entrance.

Oh sure, now that the work has been done for free, you want to take advantage of a workaround to bad pedestrian traffic planning at your mall!

/wishes this was a real story, so I could punch the hypothetical mall owners :-)
 
2013-04-26 11:47:06 AM  

Mazzic518: Aweeee I wanted to believe it was true :(


Yeah, here in the USA, shopping malls go to great lengths to discourage non-driving customers--and then wonder why they have a hard time hiring decent staff.
 
2013-04-26 11:49:12 AM  

show me: Marcus Aurelius: show me: Also, it's two years old for fark's sake.

So, you're saying that it's not news?

Could it be FARK.com?

I've had greenlit articles reverted to red because of butthurt commenters saying how old the story is.


I hate those whiners.  Not to mention the assholes that have seen the article before and somehow think their lives will be ruined if they don't biatch and moan about seeing a repeat link.  Farking losers.
 
2013-04-26 11:49:31 AM  

FrancoFile: show me: This must be Canada's answer to the Onion. Obviously fake story is obviously fake. Look at some of the other stories, and you'll never complain about the Onion again.

DisclaimerThe content on this website is intended for satirical and entertainment purposes only. If after reading any portion the Yolk, you experience sudden feelings of edification, enlightenment, euphoria and/or optimism, please accept our heartfelt apologies - even though we're pretty sure we had nothing to do with it. Just remember, we live in strange but interesting times and so it stands to reason that strange and even impossible things may appear in the pages of the Yolk.


Ayep.


Oh, man, I so wanted it to be real.
 
2013-04-26 11:50:06 AM  
Cooler!

content6.flixster.com
 
2013-04-26 11:50:19 AM  
Ok, even fake, that's freaking hilarious. I can totally imagine that happening, though I doubt it would get very far without someone noticing.
 
2013-04-26 11:51:39 AM  

puppetpusher: Ok, even fake, that's freaking hilarious. I can totally imagine that happening, though I doubt it would get very far without someone noticing.


You'd be surprised.
 
2013-04-26 11:51:39 AM  
Published May 2nd, 2011

Old rejected news..waiting for North Korea to use it.
 
2013-04-26 11:53:00 AM  
The only thing similar to an Onion story is the "area man" usage. If it were an Onion story it would be about someone going to the mall and hanging out, and nothing more.

It sounds a lot more "real" and plausible than most fake news. Well done.
 
2013-04-26 11:53:15 AM  

rkiller1: About as real as this
[4.bp.blogspot.com image 850x1095]


That was real to eight-year-old me, damn it!
 
2013-04-26 11:53:34 AM  

flondrix: Mazzic518: Aweeee I wanted to believe it was true :(

Yeah, here in the USA, shopping malls go to great lengths to discourage non-driving customers--and then wonder why they have a hard time hiring decent staff.


This guy agrees
 
2013-04-26 11:53:47 AM  
What clued me in was his age listed as 59 1/2.

I haven't tacked a "1/2" onto my age since I was 12, I believe.
 
2013-04-26 11:54:41 AM  
If it's not fake, then its an epic piece of work.
 
2013-04-26 11:55:17 AM  
There is one major danger to digging a tunnel like that:   Soily ballsack.

/Some NSFW language
 
2013-04-26 11:55:31 AM  

Amusement: Published May 2nd, 2011

Old rejected news..


sorry, but, for a dude who's been here since 06, I can't have any sympathy for your angle.

THIS.IS.FARK.DOT.COM.
 
2013-04-26 11:57:26 AM  

flondrix: Mazzic518: Aweeee I wanted to believe it was true :(

Yeah, here in the USA, shopping malls go to great lengths to discourage non-driving customers--and then wonder why they have a hard time hiring decent staff.


About a decade ago they tore down and rebuilt one of the big enclosed malls here. Among their major mistakes was leave out sidewalks and any places for buses to drop workers off.

Then it got worse when a major corporation moved their headquarters across the street. A couple thousand workers can't safely walk over at lunchtime so they're forced to get in their cars and drive one block to eat or shop.
 
2013-04-26 11:58:40 AM  
In my best Col Klink voice: "Hooooooogaaaan!!!!"
 
2013-04-26 11:59:05 AM  
Unlawful excavation. That is the most badass charge ever.
 
2013-04-26 12:00:38 PM  

uttertosh: Amusement: Published May 2nd, 2011

Old rejected news..

sorry, but, for a dude who's been here since 06, I can't have any sympathy for your angle.

THIS.IS.FARK.DOT.COM.


ooo ooo, I like this game.   I've been here since 03
 
2013-04-26 12:03:54 PM  
"I want an Orange Julius"

static.guim.co.uk
 
2013-04-26 12:06:04 PM  

uttertosh: Amusement: Published May 2nd, 2011

Old rejected news..

sorry, but, for a dude who's been here since 06, I can't have any sympathy for your angle.

THIS.IS.FARK.DOT.COM.


Yes, well -- that's well and good.  You want a cookie for joining in '06?
 
2013-04-26 12:07:19 PM  
This guy should be working for some of the drug cartels along the US/Mexico border.
 
2013-04-26 12:15:51 PM  

6655321: This guy should be working for some of the drug cartels along the US/Mexico border.


Why would drug cartels hire US/Canadian labor for construction when they can get cheap non-union Mexican labor that nobody cares about. Have them dig the tunnel then put a bullet in the back of their heads when you are done to keep the secret tunnel secret.
 
2013-04-26 12:19:01 PM  

Amusement: uttertosh: Amusement: Published May 2nd, 2011

Old rejected news..

sorry, but, for a dude who's been here since 06, I can't have any sympathy for your angle.

THIS.IS.FARK.DOT.COM.

Yes, well -- that's well and good.  You want a cookie for joining in '06?


He meant you.
 
2013-04-26 12:19:17 PM  
The adult in me knows this is ridiculous...but the kid in me thinks that's f*cking awesome!
 
2013-04-26 12:22:47 PM  

show me: This must be Canada's answer to the Onion. Obviously fake story is obviously fake. Look at some of the other stories, and you'll never complain about the Onion again.


This.
 
2013-04-26 12:24:03 PM  
I love the smell of commerce in the morning!

//obscure?
 
2013-04-26 12:25:07 PM  
Get busy shopping or get busy dying.
 
2013-04-26 12:27:08 PM  
I stayed at the Best Western next to that mall.  It definitely is not a pedestrian friendly place, regardless of satirical article
 
2013-04-26 12:27:59 PM  
Approves:
images4.wikia.nocookie.net
 
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