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(Orlando Sentinel)   A woman told police the suspect was masturbating "so hard that his whole body was shaking." Apparently, that's inappropriate behavior on a beach   (orlandosentinel.com ) divider line
    More: Florida, woman told, Ahem, beaches  
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7869 clicks; posted to Main » on 25 Apr 2013 at 11:40 AM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



81 Comments     (+0 »)
 
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2013-04-25 08:47:13 AM  
Smathers Beach.  That's about right.
 
2013-04-25 11:42:01 AM  
Why can't people just mind their own business?
 
2013-04-25 11:44:14 AM  
That's called "climaxing".

I'm sure the sand is clumping up now like kitty litter.
 
2013-04-25 11:46:00 AM  
"And soon thereafter he exploded in to flames...."
 
2013-04-25 11:46:50 AM  
Driven by restrained desire
I want what I need
Shaking as her sex takes hold
I've lost all control

Temptation
Temptation

Drowning in a sea of rage
I taste the embrace
Helpless as it steals my soul
I've lost all control

Temptation
It never lets me down
Temptation
One foot in the ground

We exist in a world where the fear of
Iillusion is real
And we cling to the past to deny and confuse the ideal
Once inside, we can conceive and believe in a god we can't feel

I can't feel it
I can't feel it
I can't feel

Destined by a fate so cruel
And drugged to delight
Laughing as these lies unfold
I've lost all control

Temptation
It never lets me down
Temptation
One foot in the ground
Temptation
You satisfy my soul
Temptation
I've lost all control
 
2013-04-25 11:47:25 AM  
He must have been using the 'Reverse Overhand' grip.
 
2013-04-25 11:47:37 AM  
I believe the proper terminology is "masturbating furiously".
 
2013-04-25 11:48:05 AM  
Been to Key West, there are lots of weird people that visit there. This would be among the top of the list for me.
 
2013-04-25 11:48:07 AM  
Cops noted in their report that Slocumb was sober before hauling him to the pokey.

That surely took the wind out of his sail.


img.photobucket.com

Likes the cut of your jib.
 
2013-04-25 11:48:53 AM  
Uncle Phil?!?
 
2013-04-25 11:50:19 AM  
BATTER UP!!!
Baby batter that is.
 
2013-04-25 11:50:44 AM  
Coming from a woman who thinks her privates are dirty and would never touch them in her life.... I expected as much.
 
2013-04-25 11:51:29 AM  
Fap.
 
2013-04-25 11:52:06 AM  
Now has this song in my head...

media.tumblr.com


\as do you..
 
2013-04-25 11:52:54 AM  
www.sandypalmsbahamas.com
 
2013-04-25 11:54:15 AM  
Well, who else is going to apply the sun screen?
 
2013-04-25 11:54:40 AM  
Elijah Slocumb  is my porn star name.
 
2013-04-25 11:55:04 AM  
He was doing it right.
 
2013-04-25 11:55:38 AM  
"His whole body was shaking."
Damn, that must have been a good one. Most men just make a face and get up like nothing happened.
 
2013-04-25 11:56:50 AM  

themasterdebater: Coming from a woman who thinks her privates are dirty and would never touch them in her life.... I expected as much.


Maybe she just needs

i.ebayimg.com
 
2013-04-25 11:59:42 AM  
Where else would you go on a date with Pamela Handerson?
 
182
2013-04-25 11:59:49 AM  
man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
 
2013-04-25 12:01:29 PM  
I'm sorry, I thought this was America.
 
2013-04-25 12:04:40 PM  
upload.wikimedia.org They see nothing wrong with this.
 
2013-04-25 12:06:36 PM  
Quivers down the backbone
Yeah, the shakes in the knee bone
I got the tremors in the thigh bone
Shakin' all over

Well, you make me shake and I like it, baby
You make me shake and I like it, baby
 
2013-04-25 12:10:24 PM  

TrixieDelite: "His whole body was shaking."
Damn, that must have been a good one. Most men just make a face and get up like nothing happened.


They are faking it for your benefit then.
 
2013-04-25 12:10:40 PM  

TrixieDelite: "His whole body was shaking."
Damn, that must have been a good one. Most men just make a face and get up like nothing happened.


Looking at his picture in the article I am guessing it was just Newtons Third Law:

When a first body exerts a force F1 on a second body, the second body simultaneously exerts a force F2 = −F1 on the first body. This means that F1 and F2 are equal in magnitude and opposite in direction.

If you know what I mean. And I think you do.
 
2013-04-25 12:15:30 PM  

offmymeds: themasterdebater: Coming from a woman who thinks her privates are dirty and would never touch them in her life.... I expected as much.

Maybe she just needs

[i.ebayimg.com image 300x275]


Off subject, but it says "Feminine douche."  What is masculine douche?  Someone not at work GIS that for me, please!
 
2013-04-25 12:15:46 PM  
I hope he was in Captain Morgan pose as he was whackin it
 
2013-04-25 12:16:04 PM  
Well I said shake baby shake
I said shake baby shake
I said shake it baby shake it
I said shake baby shake
Come on over
Whole lot of shakin goin' on

Ahhhhh Let's Go !
 
2013-04-25 12:17:03 PM  
Linking to a story behind a pay wall. #fail
 
2013-04-25 12:17:22 PM  

offmymeds: Maybe she just needs


Sorry, women need to know that salt, soda or homemade solutions are not the way to go.

merrillmarkoe.com
 
2013-04-25 12:19:29 PM  
I feel the earth move under my feet
I feel the sky tumbling down
I feel my heart start to trembling
Whenever you're around
 
2013-04-25 12:28:47 PM  
As soon as the man, later identified as Elijah Slocumb, of Key West, spotted the cop, he "immediately grabbed a small blue towel" and appeared to wipe his hands with it, the affidavit stated.

At least he got to finish.

/...unless he was just wiping off the lube.
 
2013-04-25 12:31:46 PM  
Huh huh! Huh huh!

images.sodahead.com

His name is Slow-Cum!

Huh huh!
 
2013-04-25 12:32:34 PM  
Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I've got to tell you if when I got here someone had told me this sort of thing was frowned upon, this whole thing could have been avoided.
 
2013-04-25 12:34:18 PM  
I came for the Seinfeld reference, he came for the 20-something in a bikini.
 
2013-04-25 12:34:55 PM  
i.imgur.com
 
2013-04-25 12:36:14 PM  
Was it shaking for the entire process, or just as he got down to the vinegar strokes?
 
2013-04-25 12:38:10 PM  
And now, the Top 5 things that you absolutely do NOT want to see when you're in the middle of yanking one out:

5. The close-up porno camera angle showing the penis pumping into the vagina.

4. A picture of your grandparents

3. A police officer headed in your direction

2. The little "buffering" symbol on your computer

...and the number one thing that you do NOT want to see when you're masturbating...

1. your child standing in the doorway looking scared and confused
 
2013-04-25 12:40:00 PM  
Inappropriate, yes, but great technique!
 
2013-04-25 12:40:04 PM  

Prank Call of Cthulhu: Was it shaking for the entire process, or just as he got down to the vinegar strokes?



He seems lke the type of guy who likes to keep himself on the edge of the launching pad.
 
2013-04-25 12:40:53 PM  

d23: offmymeds: themasterdebater: Coming from a woman who thinks her privates are dirty and would never touch them in her life.... I expected as much.

Maybe she just needs

[i.ebayimg.com image 300x275]

Off subject, but it says "Feminine douche."  What is masculine douche?  Someone not at work GIS that for me, please!


Beer
 
2013-04-25 12:52:32 PM  
DROxInXTHExWINDAnd now, the Top 5 things that you absolutely do NOT want to see when you're in the middle of yanking one out:

5. The close-up porno camera angle showing the penis pumping into the vagina.



Yeah, well, that's just, like your opinion, man.
 
2013-04-25 12:53:54 PM  
that's inappropriate behavior on a beach
Not if your doing it right.
 
2013-04-25 12:54:02 PM  
and his fark username is?
 
2013-04-25 12:54:29 PM  
I was all prepared to be faux-appalled until I read that this happened in Key West.
 
2013-04-25 12:59:35 PM  

d23: offmymeds: themasterdebater: Coming from a woman who thinks her privates are dirty and would never touch them in her life.... I expected as much.

Maybe she just needs

[i.ebayimg.com image 300x275]

Off subject, but it says "Feminine douche."  What is masculine douche?  Someone not at work GIS that for me, please!


Does this pic should help?


www.contactmusic.com
 
2013-04-25 01:10:44 PM  
StrikitRich:  Does this pic should help?


Proof reading usually does help.
 
2013-04-25 01:29:55 PM  
He gave himself a Rusty Venture?
 
2013-04-25 01:30:51 PM  
Let he who has not masturbated on a beach and flung his steaming jizm onto the sand while singing "O Come, all ye Faithful" cast the first stone.
 
2013-04-25 01:37:15 PM  
Was she hot?
 
2013-04-25 01:46:42 PM  

DROxINxTHExWIND: And now, the Top 5 things that you absolutely do NOT want to see when you're in the middle of yanking one out:

5. The close-up porno camera angle showing the penis pumping into the vagina.


I would have gone with gaping bungholes.  What is with porno's recent obsession with gaping bungholes?  I'm watching a nice, sedate, pedestrian porno and then *BAM* all the sudden we're performing a colorectal exam.  I mean who wants to search for cancerous polyps with their junk in their hand?   Is this like crowd sourcing your healthcare?  I don't think the "wisdom of crowds" applies to cancer screenings.  Maybe if they had one of those cancer sniffing dogs in the scene...
 
2013-04-25 01:51:59 PM  
Gerty MacDowell approves

/not obscure to english majors
 
2013-04-25 01:52:09 PM  
The woman also told cops that the man was reportedly "doing it so hard that his whole body was shaking."
And how did that make you feel?
 
2013-04-25 02:33:27 PM  
"so hard that his whole body was shaking."

So, not the first of the day.
 
2013-04-25 02:33:28 PM  
It's my dick, I can wash it as fast as I want!
 
2013-04-25 02:35:51 PM  
I wasn't masterbating. I was...uh...scratching. Yeah. Scratching. That's the ticket!
 
2013-04-25 02:37:33 PM  

stuff: DROxINxTHExWIND: And now, the Top 5 things that you absolutely do NOT want to see when you're in the middle of yanking one out:

5. The close-up porno camera angle showing the penis pumping into the vagina.

I would have gone with gaping bungholes.  What is with porno's recent obsession with gaping bungholes?  I'm watching a nice, sedate, pedestrian porno and then *BAM* all the sudden we're performing a colorectal exam.  I mean who wants to search for cancerous polyps with their junk in their hand?   Is this like crowd sourcing your healthcare?  I don't think the "wisdom of crowds" applies to cancer screenings.  Maybe if they had one of those cancer sniffing dogs in the scene...


i am definately not into gaping bungholes...can take the close up of the penis in the vagina and it can be a little agressive but the bunghole...the rough stuff there just sort of makes me  fast foward thru or cover my eyes for a minute till they are done trying to show her appendix.
 
2013-04-25 02:37:49 PM  
inb4: nude sun bather has epilepsy, nearsighted coont freaks out and calls the cops.
 
2013-04-25 02:38:27 PM  

Tanukis_Parachute: stuff: DROxINxTHExWIND: And now, the Top 5 things that you absolutely do NOT want to see when you're in the middle of yanking one out:

5. The close-up porno camera angle showing the penis pumping into the vagina.

I would have gone with gaping bungholes.  What is with porno's recent obsession with gaping bungholes?  I'm watching a nice, sedate, pedestrian porno and then *BAM* all the sudden we're performing a colorectal exam.  I mean who wants to search for cancerous polyps with their junk in their hand?   Is this like crowd sourcing your healthcare?  I don't think the "wisdom of crowds" applies to cancer screenings.  Maybe if they had one of those cancer sniffing dogs in the scene...

i am definately not into gaping bungholes...can take the close up of the penis in the vagina and it can be a little agressive but the bunghole...the rough stuff there just sort of makes me  fast foward thru or cover my eyes for a minute till they are done trying to show her appendix.


BUNGHOLE THREAD!!!
 
2013-04-25 02:39:42 PM  

colon_pow: Tanukis_Parachute: stuff: DROxINxTHExWIND: And now, the Top 5 things that you absolutely do NOT want to see when you're in the middle of yanking one out:

5. The close-up porno camera angle showing the penis pumping into the vagina.

I would have gone with gaping bungholes.  What is with porno's recent obsession with gaping bungholes?  I'm watching a nice, sedate, pedestrian porno and then *BAM* all the sudden we're performing a colorectal exam.  I mean who wants to search for cancerous polyps with their junk in their hand?   Is this like crowd sourcing your healthcare?  I don't think the "wisdom of crowds" applies to cancer screenings.  Maybe if they had one of those cancer sniffing dogs in the scene...

i am definately not into gaping bungholes...can take the close up of the penis in the vagina and it can be a little agressive but the bunghole...the rough stuff there just sort of makes me  fast foward thru or cover my eyes for a minute till they are done trying to show her appendix.

BUNGHOLE THREAD!!!


farm1.staticflickr.com
 
2013-04-25 02:59:40 PM  

TrixieDelite: "His whole body was shaking."
Damn, that must have been a good one. Most men just make a face and get up like nothing happened.


I always thought that if a guy had sex with an epileptic for his first time, and she had a seizure when she climaxed, I bet he'd wonder what he was doing wrong the rest of his life.
 
2013-04-25 03:00:30 PM  
that's NOT appropriate for the beach?  time to book a different vacation then...
 
2013-04-25 03:05:06 PM  

colon_pow: BUNGHOLE THREAD!!!


www.signpictures.net
 
2013-04-25 03:49:12 PM  

DROxINxTHExWIND: ...and the number one thing that you do NOT want to see when you're masturbating...

1. your child standing in the doorway looking scared and confused


Depends on what you're yanking it to... And, if you're in the south..

//so sorry
///must not say 'left that wide open'... must not say..
 
2013-04-25 04:04:01 PM  

Sin_City_Superhero: colon_pow: BUNGHOLE THREAD!!!

[www.signpictures.net image 600x450]


The first time I drove by that place in Peabody (MA) I nearly drove off the road I was snickering so hard.

The runner up name I've seen on a few stores, but Denver is where I remember it from:   "Liquor Box"
 
2013-04-25 04:04:21 PM  

Fano: I always thought that if a guy had sex with an epileptic for his first time, and she had a seizure when she climaxed, I bet he'd wonder what he was doing wrong the rest of his life.


I had a GF with epilepsy.  The problem was, when she had a seizure she wasn't 'there' anymore.

Seriously, guys that won't learn the ins and outs of their follow on girlfriends and wives are a problem.
 
2013-04-25 04:25:41 PM  
Everyone knows you are supposed to do that at McDonalds.  That is why they call it a happy meal.  Duh.
 
2013-04-25 04:32:21 PM  

mama2tnt: They see nothing wrong with this.


"The boy grows tall, the girl beautiful"

He's like, an inch taller than she is, that's not even "Tom Cruise tall".  I'd expect more tallness, like he could reach up and just pick the coconuts with his hands.

/is that movie even legal any more?  I wouldn't dare rent it, you probably end up on some list somewhere.
 
2013-04-25 04:32:51 PM  

gibbon1: Fano: I always thought that if a guy had sex with an epileptic for his first time, and she had a seizure when she climaxed, I bet he'd wonder what he was doing wrong the rest of his life.

I had a GF with epilepsy.  The problem was, when she had a seizure she wasn't 'there' anymore.

Seriously, guys that won't learn the ins and outs of their follow on girlfriends and wives are a problem.


That's why women with Parkinson's are in such high demand.
 
2013-04-25 04:34:41 PM  
Haven't we all publicly jacked it so hard you could see it from space?

/Warren Sapp's life has gotten really sad.
 
2013-04-25 04:37:21 PM  

No Such Agency: mama2tnt: They see nothing wrong with this.

"The boy grows tall, the girl beautiful"

He's like, an inch taller than she is, that's not even "Tom Cruise tall".  I'd expect more tallness, like he could reach up and just pick the coconuts with his hands.

/is that movie even legal any more?  I wouldn't dare rent it, you probably end up on some list somewhere.


Yeah, they had it for sale at Target, and I was wondering if that was just a trap and Chris Hansen would be waiting outside to blindside anyone who bought a copy of the DVD.
 
2013-04-25 04:40:16 PM  
25.media.tumblr.com

He had to use his hand? Amateur.
 
2013-04-25 04:56:12 PM  

Uranus Is Huge!: [25.media.tumblr.com image 375x286]

He had to use his hand? Amateur.


/+74!
//underrated show
 
2013-04-25 06:46:55 PM  

Wanking it on a beach is one thing, but you have to watch out for those close to you while you wank, the periwankles.


i41.tinypic.com
What a periwankle might look like

 
2013-04-25 06:53:51 PM  

d23: offmymeds: themasterdebater: Coming from a woman who thinks her privates are dirty and would never touch them in her life.... I expected as much.

Maybe she just needs

[i.ebayimg.com image 300x275]

Off subject, but it says "Feminine douche."  What is masculine douche?  Someone not at work GIS that for me, please!


Glenn Beck
 
2013-04-25 07:20:03 PM  
media.247sports.com
 
2013-04-25 09:59:53 PM  
Probably just got a,bit of sunscreen in the peehole.  That'll make you writhe in pain.
 
2013-04-26 05:55:15 AM  
They really should put up some signs, so I'll know in the future.
 
2013-04-26 02:28:38 PM  

d23: offmymeds: themasterdebater: Coming from a woman who thinks her privates are dirty and would never touch them in her life.... I expected as much.

Maybe she just needs

[i.ebayimg.com image 300x275]

Off subject, but it says "Feminine douche."  What is masculine douche?


An enema.
 
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