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(Examiner)   Remember how your girlfriend/wife/SO was finally losing interest in that crappy 50 Shades of Grey movie? Yeah, well, about that   (examiner.com) divider line 67
    More: Silly, Scarlett O'Hara, Alex Pettyfer, gossip magazine, Gus Van Sant, girlfriend  
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8228 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 24 Apr 2013 at 1:40 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-04-23 07:57:55 PM
I hear Gilbert Gottfried is playing Christian Grey
 
2013-04-23 08:27:58 PM
ugh, mommy porn
 
2013-04-23 08:48:51 PM

Britney Spear's Speculum: ugh, mommy porn


Mommy porn makes herotica look good.
 
2013-04-23 11:27:45 PM
So who is gonna play the virgin that gets her cherry popped?
Just aksin.
 
2013-04-23 11:29:13 PM
for $2000: this person wrote 50 shades of grey

me (knowing it's james): who is... uh.. um... shakespeare?
 
2013-04-24 12:33:55 AM

Britney Spear's Speculum: ugh, mommy porn


Seriously - if that shiat gets wildly popular, I need to start writing.  Honestly, I've never understood why that book became so damn popular.  There are other books as "shocking" that are far better written and understandable at the 8th grade reading level.  What is is about this particular one?
 
2013-04-24 12:39:20 AM
Just put LSD in the vagina and suddenly, more interest in 50 shades of grey.

Seriously, just read some Anne Rice novels.
 
2013-04-24 02:07:54 AM

HighlanderRPI: I hear Gilbert Gottfried is playing Christian Grey


Fran Drescher as whoever the hell the girl is.
 
2013-04-24 02:13:15 AM
I am number 69
 
2013-04-24 02:25:58 AM
Good looking guy and all, but he's got chimp ears
 
2013-04-24 02:29:18 AM
Every Hollywood actress is on the hunt for that role, rivaling the search for Scarlett O'Hara

media.comicvine.com
 
2013-04-24 02:48:55 AM
I had to close 3 pop-up ads on that one.  Forgot why I'd even clicked, the story is so uninteresting.
 
2013-04-24 03:06:27 AM

Benevolent Misanthrope: Britney Spear's Speculum: ugh, mommy porn

Seriously - if that shiat gets wildly popular, I need to start writing.  Honestly, I've never understood why that book became so damn popular.  There are other books as "shocking" that are far better written and understandable at the 8th grade reading level.  What is is about this particular one?


I thought about it, then somebody pointed out to me that Louisa Mae Alcott wrote "Little Women" to make fun of the genre and ended up stuck with characters she hated for the rest of her life.
 
2013-04-24 03:16:44 AM

Benevolent Misanthrope: Britney Spear's Speculum: ugh, mommy porn

Seriously - if that shiat gets wildly popular, I need to start writing.  Honestly, I've never understood why that book became so damn popular.  There are other books as "shocking" that are far better written and understandable at the 8th grade reading level.  What is is about this particular one?


Bored housewives with normal boring lives suddenly read about something a little on the wild side and go nuts.

On the plus side I've had more playmates on the "I don't have daddy issues/serious mental problems" side.  Which is good, because dear god the emotional bomb of crazy that can go off when you deal with people who should be in intensive talk therapy NOT coping via submission is not a good thing.

On the negative side, women whose only experience/concept of BDSM are far more work than dealing with a painfully sheltered virgin.  Dragging their expectations into the correct universe, figuring out what they really want, explaining the basics, ground rules/boundaries.  Normal BDSM relationships are already too damn much work compared to normal relationships lets just double the top's workload why don't we?

Ugh now I'm reminded why I called in drunk for 4 days after my last 3 day weekend.  We really need a nonprescription retrograde amnesiac for people to self prescribe.
 
2013-04-24 03:30:15 AM
What's with all these moms getting into the mommy porn and the hot vampires and whatnot, but never acting on it? I figured great, any day now I'm gonna get my bones jumped! Any day now. Any.... day. hmpf.

Have I been forgetting the deodorant or something?
 
2013-04-24 03:30:23 AM
OK, I'll admit it.  I'd be willing to watch whatever steaming pile of shiat this turns out to be, so long as I'm on a date.  And here's why: from what I keep hearing, that book is just one long S&M scene.
 
2013-04-24 03:34:22 AM

HotWingAgenda: OK, I'll admit it.  I'd be willing to watch whatever steaming pile of shiat this turns out to be, so long as I'm on a date.  And here's why: from what I keep hearing, that book is just one long S&M scene.


I really have no idea how they're going to do the movie without it being NC-17.
 
2013-04-24 03:46:14 AM

fusillade762: Every Hollywood actress is on the hunt for that role, rivaling the search for Scarlett O'Hara

[media.comicvine.com image 479x356]


And every Hollywood actress actually on the hunt for that role just asked, "Uh, who's Scarlett O'Hara?"
 
2013-04-24 03:51:02 AM
It's kinky S&M written by someone who doesn't know what kinky S&M is for people who don't know what kinky or S&M is. Same thing with the Jodi Arias trial. The court watchers think they had wild, kinky sex but it's just a Mormon's idea of "wild" and "kinky," i.e., vanilla pudding with a tiny bit of Sriracha squirted into it.
 
mhd
2013-04-24 04:04:41 AM
Well, to be fair, "British erotica" is almost as futile as "German comedy".
 
2013-04-24 04:05:39 AM

Benevolent Misanthrope: Britney Spear's Speculum: ugh, mommy porn

Seriously - if that shiat gets wildly popular, I need to start writing.  Honestly, I've never understood why that book became so damn popular.  There are other books as "shocking" that are far better written and understandable at the 8th grade reading level.  What is is about this particular one?


Calculated hijacking of the popularity of Twilight among middle-aged women combined with a pre-existing test audience in the online fanfiction community where the work originated.

I mean, go ahead and write if you want, but the success of the work came more from very careful marketing and exploitation of known consumer demographics than from the quality of the work itself.  Like, if you try to reproduce the technique exactly you'll probably end up writing something you don't actually enjoy writing very much... it's sort of the boy-band assembly process applied to paperbacks.
 
2013-04-24 04:09:34 AM

silvervial: It's kinky S&M written by someone who doesn't know what kinky S&M is for people who don't know what kinky or S&M is. Same thing with the Jodi Arias trial. The court watchers think they had wild, kinky sex but it's just a Mormon's idea of "wild" and "kinky," i.e., vanilla pudding with a tiny bit of Sriracha squirted into it.


In other words:

50Shades:S&M::WhiteDisco:BlackFunk
 
2013-04-24 04:19:40 AM

mhd: Well, to be fair, "British erotica" is almost as futile as "German comedy".


There was that story Robin Williams told, about a question he got on a German talk show about why there's not much comedy in Germany.
Williams: 'Did you ever think that you killed all the funny people?'
Host: 'No.'
 
2013-04-24 05:43:58 AM
The real masochism in the book is for those who have to read it.

I wake up every morning praying for some kind of brain damage that would result in me forgetting that I ever read it. (In fairness, every date I've been on in the past year the woman has had a copy of that book in her house. I kind of felt like reading it would help me to understand. It didn't.)
 
2013-04-24 05:49:14 AM
Is there anal sex in this book? Because...uh...it needs to be encouraged as healthy and fun and a safe alternative to sticking ecstacy in the vagin.
 
2013-04-24 06:14:12 AM

White_Scarf_Syndrome: Is there anal sex in this book? Because...uh...it needs to be encouraged as healthy and fun and a safe alternative to sticking ecstacy in the vagin.


I don't remember, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was there.

I do remember there being anatomically impossible moves involving a spreader bar, mishandling of used tampons, a picture perfect abusive relationship, Ana discouraging a more likeable and actually developed secondary character from rushing into a relationship when she and Christian were going out for no longer than 9 weeks and were going to get married and the subtle (and probably unintentional) hints of Ana having anorexia.
 
2013-04-24 06:16:13 AM

White_Scarf_Syndrome: Is there anal sex in this book?


And while I'm here, what is with you Americans and your obsession with having anal sex with a woman?

As far as I'm concerned, asking a woman for anal is like walking into a five star restaurant and ordering cat food.
 
2013-04-24 06:26:36 AM

Shedim: White_Scarf_Syndrome: Is there anal sex in this book?

And while I'm here, what is with you Americans and your obsession with having anal sex with a woman?

As far as I'm concerned, asking a woman for anal is like walking into a five star restaurant and ordering cat food.


As far as I'm concerned, when she asks for it, she gets it.  It also serves to indulge her "all holes filled with cock" penchant when we break out the toy.  What can I say, the woman likes it and I like it.

Even though I am single I don't just go farking assholes all willy nilly.  Trust thing, blah blah blah. 

Maybe you're not asking correctly? Sorry for your lots.
 
2013-04-24 06:39:34 AM

White_Scarf_Syndrome: As far as I'm concerned, when she asks for it, she gets it. It also serves to indulge her "all holes filled with cock" penchant when we break out the toy. What can I say, the woman likes it and I like it.

Maybe you're not asking correctly?

Fair enough - to each their own. I have no interest in it myself, but I'm not going to stand outside your bedroom window throwing rocks with one hand holding a "DOWN WITH THE BACK DOOR" placard. I mainly ask because there seems to be this huge mystique surrounding anal sex with a woman that I don't understand (and probably never will).
 
2013-04-24 06:47:50 AM

gbob23: I wake up every morning praying for some kind of brain damage that would result in me forgetting that I ever read it. (In fairness, every date I've been on in the past year the woman has had a copy of that book in her house. I kind of felt like reading it would help me to understand. It didn't.)


So you manage to bang every girl you go on a date with. Nice!
 
2013-04-24 07:22:40 AM

proteus_b: gbob23: I wake up every morning praying for some kind of brain damage that would result in me forgetting that I ever read it. (In fairness, every date I've been on in the past year the woman has had a copy of that book in her house. I kind of felt like reading it would help me to understand. It didn't.)

So you manage to bang every girl you go on a date with. Nice!


Hmm. That's not a terrible point. After fifteen years of marriage, it did seem that women folk were less...inhibited then I recalled. There may be a corolation there.

If so, I take back every mean thing I said about it.
 
2013-04-24 08:04:40 AM

fusillade762: Every Hollywood actress is on the hunt for that role, rivaling the search for Scarlett O'Hara

[media.comicvine.com image 479x356]


I liked Emma Watson's Tweet on the subject: "Who here actually thinks I would do 50 Shades of Grey as a movie? Like really. For real. In real life."
 
2013-04-24 08:08:13 AM
I was much more fascinated with the fact that more than half of the "You May Like" links have to do with
"The Real Housewives of Atlanta".
 
2013-04-24 08:26:34 AM
She better not be losing interest I just put out a couple of grand for equipment.

/spent the better part of a weekend reconfiguring a sawzall
 
2013-04-24 08:47:20 AM

Shedim: White_Scarf_Syndrome: Is there anal sex in this book?

And while I'm here, what is with you Americans and your obsession with having anal sex with a woman?

As far as I'm concerned, asking a woman for anal is like walking into a five star restaurant and ordering cat food.


Go be foreign somewhere else :)
 
2013-04-24 09:23:50 AM

Shedim: White_Scarf_Syndrome: Is there anal sex in this book?

And while I'm here, what is with you Americans and your obsession with having anal sex with a woman?

As far as I'm concerned, asking a woman for anal is like walking into a five star restaurant and ordering cat food.


I'm with you if it's Meow Mix or some ghetto shiat like that.  But when Maître d' Hobson puts Science Diet on my plate it's chow time.  This is a euphemism.  Science Diet is a vagina.
 
2013-04-24 09:27:17 AM

Ashelth: Benevolent Misanthrope: Britney Spear's Speculum: ugh, mommy porn

Seriously - if that shiat gets wildly popular, I need to start writing.  Honestly, I've never understood why that book became so damn popular.  There are other books as "shocking" that are far better written and understandable at the 8th grade reading level.  What is is about this particular one?

Bored housewives with normal boring lives suddenly read about something a little on the wild side and go nuts.

On the plus side I've had more playmates on the "I don't have daddy issues/serious mental problems" side.  Which is good, because dear god the emotional bomb of crazy that can go off when you deal with people who should be in intensive talk therapy NOT coping via submission is not a good thing.

On the negative side, women whose only experience/concept of BDSM are far more work than dealing with a painfully sheltered virgin.  Dragging their expectations into the correct universe, figuring out what they really want, explaining the basics, ground rules/boundaries.  Normal BDSM relationships are already too damn much work compared to normal relationships lets just double the top's workload why don't we?

Ugh now I'm reminded why I called in drunk for 4 days after my last 3 day weekend.  We really need a nonprescription retrograde amnesiac for people to self prescribe.


You ought to just switch to being a straight up Top like me. Beat the hell out of 'em for awhile then send 'em on their way. So much simpler.
 
2013-04-24 10:03:09 AM

Shedim: White_Scarf_Syndrome: Is there anal sex in this book?

And while I'm here, what is with you Americans and your obsession with having anal sex with a woman?

As far as I'm concerned, asking a woman for anal is like walking into a five star restaurant and ordering cat food.


Really interested in Greek culture?
 
2013-04-24 10:09:32 AM
I'd be willing to play the part so long as they cast Emma Watson. My John Candy meets Grizzly Adams charm would be the perfect representation of the everyday American and would be an amazing counterpoint to Emma. Casting me in the lead would provide a balance and social commentary unachievable by any other means. While I don't believe there is anyone working in Hollywood today that has the stones to take film in this new--but ultimately inevitable--direction, my hope will never flag.

Live strong; live wrong! Peace!
 
2013-04-24 10:19:23 AM
I equate women suddenly loving this S&M dreck with somebody who has never watched a baseball game in their lives suddenly watching a crappy double-A game and declaring it to be the best teams ever, or somebody who has never smoked a cigar in their lifetime buying a Swisher Sweet and declaring it sophisticated.

In other words, it's like porn snobbery. But then again, wasn't it like a "guilty pleasure status symbol" back in the 1970's when movie stars were seen coming out of a theater showing "Deep Throat"?
 
2013-04-24 10:37:13 AM
I think they should cast Christian Bale as the lead, but Christian Bale a la American Psycho. I'd love to hear him wax poetic about pop music and business cards as he beats her. Of course, he'll have to off her in the end, which wouldn't be so disappointing.
 
2013-04-24 10:53:01 AM

Phantoms5000: I equate women suddenly loving this S&M dreck with somebody who has never watched a baseball game in their lives suddenly watching a crappy double-A game and declaring it to be the best teams ever, or somebody who has never smoked a cigar in their lifetime buying a Swisher Sweet and declaring it sophisticated.

In other words, it's like porn snobbery. But then again, wasn't it like a "guilty pleasure status symbol" back in the 1970's when movie stars were seen coming out of a theater showing "Deep Throat"?


Pretty much.  There's some really, really well written erotica out there.  This isn't it.
 
2013-04-24 10:55:59 AM

Britney Spear's Speculum: ugh, mommy porn


If watching a dumb movie or reading a dumb book get's my wife in the mood, I don't give a flying fark why it does, I just take adavanatge of the situation.
 
2013-04-24 11:13:49 AM

meanmutton: Phantoms5000: I equate women suddenly loving this S&M dreck with somebody who has never watched a baseball game in their lives suddenly watching a crappy double-A game and declaring it to be the best teams ever, or somebody who has never smoked a cigar in their lifetime buying a Swisher Sweet and declaring it sophisticated.

In other words, it's like porn snobbery. But then again, wasn't it like a "guilty pleasure status symbol" back in the 1970's when movie stars were seen coming out of a theater showing "Deep Throat"?

Pretty much.  There's some really, really well written erotica out there.  This isn't it.


Indeed.  And as a librarian, I do wonder what makes dreck like this take off and become wildly successful, while well-written examples on the same subject matter are largely ignored and their authors are never able to become full-time writers.

Jim_Callahan: Calculated hijacking of the popularity of Twilight among middle-aged women combined with a pre-existing test audience in the online fanfiction community where the work originated.

I mean, go ahead and write if you want, but the success of the work came more from very careful marketing and exploitation of known consumer demographics than from the quality of the work itself.  Like, if you try to reproduce the technique exactly you'll probably end up writing something you don't actually enjoy writing very much... it's sort of the boy-band assembly process applied to paperbacks.


If I write again, it will be because I have a story that must be told - whether or not it sells.  I'm not looking to start a new career.  But damn, it galls me when I know I write much better than that, and my work would never, ever make it to market.
 
2013-04-24 12:14:24 PM
There's one point that everyone seems to be missing--apparently Gus Van Sant wants to direct this.

Gus Farking Van Sant WANTS to direct this.

It just might be crazy enough to work.
 
2013-04-24 12:22:25 PM
I read it just to see what the big deal was.  Absolutely dreadful.  Didn't tingle once anywhere reading it, and wanted to vomit by the 15th time the heroine gasped "oh my!".  The only thing that made it tolerable was reading those words in George Takei's voice the remaining 2000 or so times she says it.

I'd watch the movie, sound off, fast forwarding to the parts where that good looking guy is nekkid.  That's about my only interest.
 
2013-04-24 01:07:07 PM

freetomato: The only thing that made it tolerable was reading those words in George Takei's voice the remaining 2000 or so times she says it.


I think you just named the perfect person to play the part of Anastasia Steele. And for Christian Grey, I nominate Will Farrell. All the other characters will be played by Eddie Murphy.
 
2013-04-24 01:42:51 PM

freetomato: I read it just to see what the big deal was.  Absolutely dreadful.  Didn't tingle once anywhere reading it, and wanted to vomit by the 15th time the heroine gasped "oh my!".  The only thing that made it tolerable was reading those words in George Takei's voice the remaining 2000 or so times she says it.

I'd watch the movie, sound off, fast forwarding to the parts where that good looking women is nekkid.  That's about my only interest.


THIS!

Edited .
 
2013-04-24 02:15:44 PM

LectertheChef: freetomato: The only thing that made it tolerable was reading those words in George Takei's voice the remaining 2000 or so times she says it.

I think you just named the perfect person to play the part of Anastasia Steele. And for Christian Grey, I nominate Will Farrell. All the other characters will be played by Eddie Murphy.


Tyler Perry, all roles.
 
2013-04-24 02:15:59 PM

Marisyana: There's one point that everyone seems to be missing--apparently Gus Van Sant wants to direct this.

Gus Farking Van Sant WANTS to direct this. run the casting couch auditions for this movie

It just might be crazy enough to work. give him free reign to explore his sadistic appetite and get him served and laid for a couple of months



Needed a little help.
 
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