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(Salon)   This just in: men have trouble understanding women   (salon.com) divider line 288
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6720 clicks; posted to Main » on 21 Apr 2013 at 9:55 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-04-21 02:45:14 PM  

MusicMakeMyHeadPound: Mambo Bananapatch: I have always believed that the essential difference between men and women is that, to a woman, emotion is an integral component of logic, and to a man, emotion is the precise opposite of logic.

Communication between men and women is therefore impossible until the man pretends to realize that emotion and logic are interchangeable.

This is sexist bullshiat. Both men and women are similarly highly emotional and highly logical.

Culturally, men tend to underestimate their level of emotion and the role it plays in their decision-making. We think we're being rational when in reality the way we feel about something has caused us to irrationally eliminate perfectly logical options. We get angry when we're called out on this dishonesty and make lame excuses about "not being the touchy-feely type".

Similarly, women tend to be typecast as "hysterical", which some women sometimes use as a crutch when making an impulsive decision.

Both men and women have a responsibility to be honest with themselves and with each other. Both men and women are prone to fail at this as they learn how.

Don't make the error of stereotyping like this. We're really not that different.


I've always enjoyed positive relationships with women using this method, and yes we are that different.
 
2013-04-21 02:49:37 PM  
Mrs. Banned would be understood better if she could correct one thing -- to not ask a question to make a statement.

OK, 2 things -- don't assume I am making a statement when I ask a question.
 
2013-04-21 02:50:53 PM  

OscarTamerz: Men evolved, women didn't.


LOL. It is cute you managed to use the word "evolved" in such a way that would  almost fool the reader into believing you knew what you were talking about.

TrollScore™: 2/10

i651.photobucket.com
 
2013-04-21 02:51:46 PM  

Uncle Tractor: bunner: So far, afaict, the gist of what passes for feminism these days is basically, "we still get a free ride, but you have to drive to where WE  want to go and you pay for the gas."  And that's sad, because feminism, as on the original label was long overdue and necessary.

Some take it further:


To sort of stay on topic; I'm a guy and I do not understand this woman. Screen-punchy video is here, for those who are interested.


Yep women like her are why I laugh and pat womyn on the head when they babble on about their rights.

here is a hint. Boys vs girls is a classroom tool used in english and geography lessons in elementary school.

it is not something with wich to form the basis of your life around.

equal pay? single women already make more than male counterparts.
higher education? Its almost entirely female oriented.
mainly because as a man you feel entirely unwelcome the moment you enter a college or university.

rape culture? Look just about every woman thats ever been raped has had a father or a son a boyfriend or a brother
thats been effected by it. So rape culture is nonsense. Most men would rip a rapist apart if they had the chance.

feminism. Mra's? Men and women used to love eachother.
this us vs them crap has been tearing us apart for generations now
 
2013-04-21 02:52:56 PM  

Uncle Tractor: bunner: So far, afaict, the gist of what passes for feminism these days is basically, "we still get a free ride, but you have to drive to where WE  want to go and you pay for the gas."  And that's sad, because feminism, as on the original label was long overdue and necessary.

Some take it further:
[i560.photobucket.com image 640x390]

To sort of stay on topic; I'm a guy and I do not understand this woman. Screen-punchy video is here, for those who are interested.


Damn, that is one angry b*tch.
Penis envy.
 
2013-04-21 02:56:16 PM  

Mambo Bananapatch: kiwimoogle84: FNORD

I thought I was up on my Internet shorties, but ..."FNORD"?



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fnord
 
2013-04-21 02:57:01 PM  

Bedstead Polisher: WhippingBoy: He's not that into you, but he doesn't want to burn any bridges.

That's what I figure, but instead of agreeing to go for a drink, why not say he was busy, or text and say "sorry, it's not going to work this week". And why act so excited to see me the next time he sees me? On the plus side, it's getting to the point where I'm able to logically convince myself that he's not worth it.


I'm guessing because he's inexperienced and overwhelmed.

I'm not proud of it, but I've done that to a girl once or twice. It's usually due to the "when it rains it pours phenomenon". I handled it about as well as he's doing (by which I mean it was a painful but valuable lesson).

In my opinion (whatever that's worth), you have two options. If you still dig him, tell him it's now or never. If the thought of being put on reserve insults you, tell him it's too late and that you're moving on. From your post it sounds like you're better off with the latter, but really the only wrong answer is torturing yourself with "what if?".

Hope that helps
 
2013-04-21 03:02:16 PM  

kiwimoogle84: Mambo Bananapatch: kiwimoogle84: FNORD

I thought I was up on my Internet shorties, but ..."FNORD"?


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fnord


Well, that is one freaky shortie.
 
2013-04-21 03:04:03 PM  

Mambo Bananapatch: kiwimoogle84: FNORD

I thought I was up on my Internet shorties, but ..."FNORD"?


I SEE IT!  I CAN FINALLY SEE IT!
 
2013-04-21 03:04:38 PM  
Narf, poit, zort, fnord.

cheekycannibal.files.wordpress.com
 
2013-04-21 03:18:28 PM  

Hoarf: Mambo Bananapatch: kiwimoogle84: FNORD

I thought I was up on my Internet shorties, but ..."FNORD"?

I SEE IT!  I CAN FINALLY SEE IT!


See what? I don't see anything.
 
2013-04-21 03:19:14 PM  
At least since I found out what "      " meant.
 
2013-04-21 03:40:19 PM  

Lady Indica: We (women and I'm speaking in SUPER generalistic terms blah blah blah) have a need for emotional decompression. We do NOT want you to problem solve when we're doing this. We want empathy and decompression. When we are looking to problem solve, we're VERY clear about it and it's a completely different approach. The 'non-stop' talking is our decompression. When we want/seek advice, it's more conversational. We *need* one sided conversations for dumping, we just do.

We have a *need* for this, we really do. And if your woman stops doing this with you...it's a very bad sign. But don't tune us out completely, try to at least follow the jist. We want you to give a shiat about us, and it's about the feelings on this one.


You know what bothers me the most here?

If I spent my time trying to get other people to listen to all my little petty opinions, I'd be a freaking pariah.

... and if you didn't have a vagina, you would be too. Basically, you're only tolerated because people want to have sexual intercourse with the parts of you that don't yammer on.

In fact, why don't we just make the assumption that while you're talking away, you just get naked and let us have sex with you right there. Then at least we'll get something - ANYTHING - out of the lost hours of our life.
 
2013-04-21 04:05:46 PM  

s2s2s2: Made it to 1:20. No way in HELL I'd use her as an example for most women's behavior,


Neither would I (which is why I used the word "some"). However, I once knew a girl like her ...

and I am guessing her frustration didn't start when the video does. Someone had to have been thinking "She bout to snap, let's document it!".

Google "big red Toronto mra" if you want to full story.
 
2013-04-21 04:58:03 PM  

bunner:


oh god its so true.
 
2013-04-21 05:26:45 PM  

Psycoholic_Slag: Uncle Tractor: bunner: So far, afaict, the gist of what passes for feminism these days is basically, "we still get a free ride, but you have to drive to where WE  want to go and you pay for the gas."  And that's sad, because feminism, as on the original label was long overdue and necessary.

Some take it further:
[i560.photobucket.com image 640x390]

To sort of stay on topic; I'm a guy and I do not understand this woman. Screen-punchy video is here, for those who are interested.

Damn, that is one angry b*tch.
Penis envy.


I've got 5.4.3.2.1...?
 
2013-04-21 05:31:14 PM  

MusicMakeMyHeadPound: I'm guessing because he's inexperienced and overwhelmed.


That might be possible. The people who know I'm into him (all women) are completely baffled as to why I like him. So even though he's not young, it's possible he's not used to female attention. Thanks for your post.
 
2013-04-21 05:34:48 PM  

chaosangel: As a woman, I must admit that they are really difficult to read & I truly feel for guys.  Women often aren't sure what they want, but they expect men to "know" what they want anyway, or "know" what they are thinking/need, etc.  They will lie that everything is "fine", when they are mad.  Then they just stew about it until they blow up.

However, it's not just with men.  They do that with each other as well.  Pretend things are ok, then biatch about each other behind their backs until they get an opportunity to stab you in the back.  Or, they will just be really catty to you, but avoid any chance to discuss any issues & deal with the problem.  Which is why all of my best friends are men, or women who are not girlie girls.

Guys are simple.  They want sex, beer & food.  Maybe a back rub too.  When they are mad, they punch each other out, sometimes literally, go have a beer & everything is fine.  So, even though I'm bi, I really prefer men.


Did you say BIE?   I hope so?
 
2013-04-21 06:27:03 PM  
Hermione_Granger   2013-04-21 09:58:47 AM  
The article pretty much makes the point that men simply haven't evolved.
I concur.

 Arachnophobe: Hermione_Granger:

So what are you trying to say?

s2s2s2   2013-04-21 10:24:35 AM
That women can't compete with under evolved men.

gaslight [TotalFark]
Who's got the money and power again?



Competition
Money
Power

We're not even having the same conversation. Women see the glass as half empty. Men see the glass as theirs.
 
2013-04-21 06:39:07 PM  

Uncle Tractor: bunner: So far, afaict, the gist of what passes for feminism these days is basically, "we still get a free ride, but you have to drive to where WE  want to go and you pay for the gas."  And that's sad, because feminism, as on the original label was long overdue and necessary.

Some take it further:
[i560.photobucket.com image 640x390]

To sort of stay on topic; I'm a guy and I do not understand this woman. Screen-punchy video is here, for those who are interested.


I lasted 35 seconds. I feel sorry for people like her. At the same time, I would avoid that like Herpes Simplex 10.
 
2013-04-21 06:42:20 PM  

Hermione_Granger: Hermione_Granger   2013-04-21 09:58:47 AM  
The article pretty much makes the point that men simply haven't evolved.
I concur.
 Arachnophobe: Hermione_Granger:

So what are you trying to say?

s2s2s2   2013-04-21 10:24:35 AM
That women can't compete with under evolved men.

gaslight [TotalFark]
Who's got the money and power again?


Competition
Money
Power

We're not even having the same conversation. Women see the glass as half empty. Men see the glass as theirs.


Fight for the glass, don't say, "Men, you need to back down and give us some of it." If that's your strategy, you don't deserve it.
 
2013-04-21 06:46:27 PM  

browntimmy: Hermione_Granger: Hermione_Granger   2013-04-21 09:58:47 AM  
The article pretty much makes the point that men simply haven't evolved.
I concur.
 Arachnophobe: Hermione_Granger:

So what are you trying to say?

s2s2s2   2013-04-21 10:24:35 AM
That women can't compete with under evolved men.

gaslight [TotalFark]
Who's got the money and power again?


Competition
Money
Power

We're not even having the same conversation. Women see the glass as half empty. Men see the glass as theirs.

Fight for the glass, don't say, "Men, you need to back down and give us some of it." If that's your strategy, you don't deserve it.


I have a better idea. Instead of fighting over a glass that men made, make your own glass.
 
2013-04-21 07:19:34 PM  
Well, it may be true that men don't understand women all that well, but since I've been on meds, there's been a lot less complaining and fighting between me and the old man.  Now I just tend to work things out in my own head and if I want to be alone to rant/think, I flip on Lifetime/OWN and drive the men from the basement for a couple of hours of peace and quiet (even though I also secretly hate Say Yes to the Dress, Fix My Life, etc, it buys me alone time).

/meds FTW, this post not sponsored by Celexa but by it's generic equivalent, oh and an honorary mention to my occasional visitor, Ativan when things get really nasty
 
2013-04-21 07:34:27 PM  

Mambo Bananapatch: At least since I found out what "      " meant.


The MIB will be by to denuralize you shortly. I may have spelled that wrong. Well %$#@ happens. Now where did I place Schrodinger's  cat?
 
2013-04-21 09:47:41 PM  
These threads are always better on a Friday.
 
2013-04-21 09:56:56 PM  

Bashar and Asma's Infinite Playlist: God creates dinosaurs.

God destroys dinosaurs.

God creates man.

Man destroys God.

Man creates dinosaurs.


No Jurassic Park fans here, huh? Ok, I'll bite:
"Dinosaurs eat man.  Woman inherits the earth."

As for the study itself, I always wonder how accurate the pictures they use are.  If you tell someone to act scared and take a picture, and then only show their eyes to another person, I'm not sure how valid the study is.  "Bored, but pretending to be scared" is a very different emotion from "terrified."
 
2013-04-21 10:49:32 PM  
teenage mutant ninja rapist:
higher education? Its almost entirely female oriented.
mainly because as a man you feel entirely unwelcome the moment you enter a college or university.



Dunno what school you went to or visited, but where I graduated (class of 2012) I felt very welcome, even though most of my classmates were 20 years my junior. I can't even count how often I was invited to their clubs and parties and raves... I did hit a few of them, and yes I kept up. Damn near killed me, but I could party my ass off at their age, and I still got some left.
Methinks thou doth protest too much..
 
2013-04-21 11:47:44 PM  
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
 
2013-04-22 12:34:50 AM  

teenage mutant ninja rapist: feminism. Mra's? Men and women used to love eachother.
this us vs them crap has been tearing us apart for generations now


Ah, but there's a reason for that.  A few.

It moves money around.  Thant makes rich people richer without actually having to create value.

Another, and more obvious one is, if you can flood popular culture with a given zeitgeist of bad ideas and present them as a crucial dichotomy in which you must pick up one flag or the other, it keeps the serfs from paying attention to the emperor's naked ass and his purse full of gold.  Because they're too busy screaming fire and brimstone at each about whatever they've been told they're being screwed out of.

As long as you print the access to every necessity on earth, it doesn't haveto have value and if the people who are forced to use it to live are busy blaming each other for the fact that they don't have a pot to piss in because, men, women, brown people, white people, etc..., you have what's called "crowd control".  And every so often, somebody goes full chimpanzee and wipes out a small school or shoots somebody for their bank notes and the people who own the joint harrumph "collateral damage" and add a fingerprint scanner to their door lock and sleep like a brick.  I blame the entitlement whores, the patriarchy and Mexican carpenters stealing our jerbs.  *snort*  Pretty garage sale little culture we've built here, ain't it?
 
2013-04-22 02:48:16 AM  
 browntimmy       2013-04-21 06:42:20 PM  
  Fight for the glass, don't say, "Men, you need to back down and give us some of it." If that's your strategy, you don't deserve it.

WhippingBoy       2013-04-21 06:46:27 PM  
   I have a better idea. Instead of fighting over a glass that men made, make your own glass.



Both of you are assuming a lot. You're assuming that it wasn't my glass to being with.  You're assuming that men made the glass. You're assuming that women have some "strategy" for keeping the glass away from you.

And both of you seem to feel there needs to be some sort of struggle over the glasses. There is no room in your simplistic and needlessly violent minds for simply sharing.

This is why men are idiots. Everything is a fight. They have not evolved enough to know when to chill the fark out.

It is ok to coexist.
 
2013-04-22 07:58:30 AM  

CynicalLA: chaosangel: As a woman, I must admit that they are really difficult to read & I truly feel for guys.  Women often aren't sure what they want, but they expect men to "know" what they want anyway, or "know" what they are thinking/need, etc.  They will lie that everything is "fine", when they are mad.  Then they just stew about it until they blow up.

However, it's not just with men.  They do that with each other as well.  Pretend things are ok, then biatch about each other behind their backs until they get an opportunity to stab you in the back.  Or, they will just be really catty to you, but avoid any chance to discuss any issues & deal with the problem.  Which is why all of my best friends are men, or women who are not girlie girls.

Guys are simple.  They want sex, beer & food.  Maybe a back rub too.  When they are mad, they punch each other out, sometimes literally, go have a beer & everything is fine.  So, even though I'm bi, I really prefer men.

Did you say BIE?   I hope so?


I've been meaning to ask what BIE means & now it seems I must.  Dammit, now I have to remember to check back on this thread too....
 
2013-04-22 09:10:13 AM  

kiwimoogle84: bunner: So far, afaict, the gist of what passes for feminism these days is basically, "we still get a free ride, but you have to drive to where WE  want to go and you pay for the gas."  And that's sad, because feminism, as on the original label was long overdue and necessary.

I HATE THIS. I have angry feminist friends, and they're all "campaign for equal wages!" And stuff of that nature. I asked my friend one time if that meant she intended to get her own doors and buy him the meal on the first date. Her serious answer was "that's the man's job." I wanted to punch her. You can't have equality in all things and then get special treatment, you slag.


I'm a feminist, and I happily pay on dates, or drive, or take charge and set the location... But I'm also a woman, and aware that there are plenty of men whose self-image relies on being the one to do those things, so I will also happily let them do those things if they want. I'm one of those man-loving feminists :) ... But I do think that the vocal feminists often make us mainstream feminists look bad.
 
2013-04-22 09:47:58 AM  

kiwimoogle84: MusicMakeMyHeadPound: Lady Indica: Bashar and Asma's Infinite Playlist: WhippingBoy: Holy crap, no kidding. I can't count the times I've thought to myself "It's been 15 minutes of non-stop talking, and I *still* have no idea what she wants from me or what the problem is".

She just wants you to listen. Maintain eye contact and throw in a "Really?" or "Why's that?" every so often. More often than not there isn't a problem or solution. They just want to hear "Yeah that's so inconsiderate of that other person."

We (women and I'm speaking in SUPER generalistic terms blah blah blah) have a need for emotional decompression. We do NOT want you to problem solve when we're doing this. We want empathy and decompression. When we are looking to problem solve, we're VERY clear about it and it's a completely different approach. The 'non-stop' talking is our decompression. When we want/seek advice, it's more conversational. We *need* one sided conversations for dumping, we just do.

We have a *need* for this, we really do. And if your woman stops doing this with you...it's a very bad sign. But don't tune us out completely, try to at least follow the jist. We want you to give a shiat about us, and it's about the feelings on this one.

Everything you said is true.

My angst on the subject is when I say I need to vent and proceed to do so, previous girlfriends have said, "Why are you bothering me with this shiat?"

Protip gents: I've learned the hard way that this is a solid cue to say "Yeah, well, now you know how I feel" and end the relationship to find someone wiser (or at least less selfish). ;)

If you say you want equality, don't complain when you get equality.

/the current girlfriend's done alright, she might be a keeper

I second this. Considering the fact that Mr Kiwi is abnormally closed off 99% of the time, I cherish when he actually does open up. I vent at him a lot- he doesn't care. As soon as he gets going about something, I instantly shut up and pay attention. It happens very rarely, just who he is, and I'm trying to prove that for once, he's got someone that gives a shiat what he has to say.


Mrs Kiwi, congrats on the baby... Just a comment from a stranger on the net, what your describing sounds *really* familiar, as in "I think I said the same things almost word for word" familiar, and "I wish I had known that was a red flag before I ended up in this hellish place" familiar. I really hope that's not where yours goes, but keep an eye on yourself - how much bending and accommodating you are doing versus him, how much stuff you're excusing due to childhood stuff, how happy he is versus how happy you are. Just, you know, remember that pregnancy can make you crazy, or can strip away the "I want it to be ok" part so that the real problems bubble up. Again, this is just my application of my experience to yours, and it may be waaaaay off - just keep your eyes open, and consider reading "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.
 
2013-04-22 10:01:34 AM  

tentaculistic: But I do think that the vocal feminists often make us mainstream feminists look bad.


Understatement of the century.
 
2013-04-22 11:44:36 AM  

Hermione_Granger: browntimmy       2013-04-21 06:42:20 PM  
  Fight for the glass, don't say, "Men, you need to back down and give us some of it." If that's your strategy, you don't deserve it.

WhippingBoy       2013-04-21 06:46:27 PM  
   I have a better idea. Instead of fighting over a glass that men made, make your own glass.


Both of you are assuming a lot. You're assuming that it wasn't my glass to being with.  You're assuming that men made the glass. You're assuming that women have some "strategy" for keeping the glass away from you.

And both of you seem to feel there needs to be some sort of struggle over the glasses. There is no room in your simplistic and needlessly violent minds for simply sharing.

This is why men are idiots. Everything is a fight. They have not evolved enough to know when to chill the fark out.

It is ok to coexist.


That all sounds very nice but now take a look at the entire natural order of the world and realize we are a part of it.
 
2013-04-22 01:36:44 PM  

browntimmy: This is why men are idiots. Everything is a fight.


Like cake wars?
 
2013-04-22 02:39:29 PM  

tentaculistic: kiwimoogle84: MusicMakeMyHeadPound: Lady Indica: Bashar and Asma's Infinite Playlist: WhippingBoy: Holy crap, no kidding. I can't count the times I've thought to myself "It's been 15 minutes of non-stop talking, and I *still* have no idea what she wants from me or what the problem is".

She just wants you to listen. Maintain eye contact and throw in a "Really?" or "Why's that?" every so often. More often than not there isn't a problem or solution. They just want to hear "Yeah that's so inconsiderate of that other person."

We (women and I'm speaking in SUPER generalistic terms blah blah blah) have a need for emotional decompression. We do NOT want you to problem solve when we're doing this. We want empathy and decompression. When we are looking to problem solve, we're VERY clear about it and it's a completely different approach. The 'non-stop' talking is our decompression. When we want/seek advice, it's more conversational. We *need* one sided conversations for dumping, we just do.

We have a *need* for this, we really do. And if your woman stops doing this with you...it's a very bad sign. But don't tune us out completely, try to at least follow the jist. We want you to give a shiat about us, and it's about the feelings on this one.

Everything you said is true.

My angst on the subject is when I say I need to vent and proceed to do so, previous girlfriends have said, "Why are you bothering me with this shiat?"

Protip gents: I've learned the hard way that this is a solid cue to say "Yeah, well, now you know how I feel" and end the relationship to find someone wiser (or at least less selfish). ;)

If you say you want equality, don't complain when you get equality.

/the current girlfriend's done alright, she might be a keeper

I second this. Considering the fact that Mr Kiwi is abnormally closed off 99% of the time, I cherish when he actually does open up. I vent at him a lot- he doesn't care. As soon as he gets going about something, I instantly shut up and pay attention. It happens very rarely, just who he is, and I'm trying to prove that for once, he's got someone that gives a shiat what he has to say.

Mrs Kiwi, congrats on the baby... Just a comment from a stranger on the net, what your describing sounds *really* familiar, as in "I think I said the same things almost word for word" familiar, and "I wish I had known that was a red flag before I ended up in this hellish place" familiar. I really hope that's not where yours goes, but keep an eye on yourself - how much bending and accommodating you are doing versus him, how much stuff you're excusing due to childhood stuff, how happy he is versus how happy you are. Just, you know, remember that pregnancy can make you crazy, or can strip away the "I want it to be ok" part so that the real problems bubble up. Again, this is just my application of my experience to yours, and it may be waaaaay off - just keep your eyes open, and consider reading "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.


First off, thanks for your views on your particular form of feminism. It comes in many, and I just happen to know people who are terrible about it- I realize you aren't all the same.

Secondly...oh boy, where to begin. I empathize with the red flag portion, however, his is due to years and years of abuse. All kinds of it. In his own words, "opening up is like taking a scalpel, slicing open my chest, and just waiting for the salt to be thrown."

I'm not going to deny AT ALL that he has issues, he'll readily admit that himself. But we do have a complicated balance right now, since he's been stepped on by exes for a solid decade who never cared about his needs or cared what he has to say. So he decided that never again would his needs NOT be met and there's certain things he WILL NOT compromise on. I understand exactly why he is the way he is.

Now that he's in a HEALTHY relationship, he almost doesn't know what to do with it. It's unfamiliar. So I'm very patient with him because even him expressing when he's a little upset with me for something I did is HUGE progress. We have our tense spots where my needs aren't being met but he swears he's doing his best. But on the whole, we're very happy, and I understand the place in his head, the little voices of doubt that make him closed off. And it's ok. I don't push him.

I do appreciate where you're coming from, and had he just been some random person I started dating, it might give me pause. But I've known him for years and I have the ex who did most of this crap to him on a blacklist. We understand each other for the most part- I give him space and he brings home blueberry frozen yogurt. Win win :)
 
2013-04-22 04:12:49 PM  

kiwimoogle84: tentaculistic: kiwimoogle84: MusicMakeMyHeadPound: Lady Indica: Bashar and Asma's Infinite Playlist: WhippingBoy: Holy crap, no kidding. I can't count the times I've thought to myself "It's been 15 minutes of non-stop talking, and I *still* have no idea what she wants from me or what the problem is".

She just wants you to listen. Maintain eye contact and throw in a "Really?" or "Why's that?" every so often. More often than not there isn't a problem or solution. They just want to hear "Yeah that's so inconsiderate of that other person."

We (women and I'm speaking in SUPER generalistic terms blah blah blah) have a need for emotional decompression. We do NOT want you to problem solve when we're doing this. We want empathy and decompression. When we are looking to problem solve, we're VERY clear about it and it's a completely different approach. The 'non-stop' talking is our decompression. When we want/seek advice, it's more conversational. We *need* one sided conversations for dumping, we just do.

We have a *need* for this, we really do. And if your woman stops doing this with you...it's a very bad sign. But don't tune us out completely, try to at least follow the jist. We want you to give a shiat about us, and it's about the feelings on this one.

Everything you said is true.

My angst on the subject is when I say I need to vent and proceed to do so, previous girlfriends have said, "Why are you bothering me with this shiat?"

Protip gents: I've learned the hard way that this is a solid cue to say "Yeah, well, now you know how I feel" and end the relationship to find someone wiser (or at least less selfish). ;)

If you say you want equality, don't complain when you get equality.

/the current girlfriend's done alright, she might be a keeper

I second this. Considering the fact that Mr Kiwi is abnormally closed off 99% of the time, I cherish when he actually does open up. I vent at him a lot- he doesn't care. As soon as he gets going about something, I instantly shut up and pay attention. It happens very rarely, just who he is, and I'm trying to prove that for once, he's got someone that gives a shiat what he has to say.

Mrs Kiwi, congrats on the baby... Just a comment from a stranger on the net, what your describing sounds *really* familiar, as in "I think I said the same things almost word for word" familiar, and "I wish I had known that was a red flag before I ended up in this hellish place" familiar. I really hope that's not where yours goes, but keep an eye on yourself - how much bending and accommodating you are doing versus him, how much stuff you're excusing due to childhood stuff, how happy he is versus how happy you are. Just, you know, remember that pregnancy can make you crazy, or can strip away the "I want it to be ok" part so that the real problems bubble up. Again, this is just my application of my experience to yours, and it may be waaaaay off - just keep your eyes open, and consider reading "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.

First off, thanks for your views on your particular form of feminism. It comes in many, and I just happen to know people who are terrible about it- I realize you aren't all the same.

Secondly...oh boy, where to begin. I empathize with the red flag portion, however, his is due to years and years of abuse. All kinds of it. In his own words, "opening up is like taking a scalpel, slicing open my chest, and just waiting for the salt to be thrown."

I'm not going to deny AT ALL that he has issues, he'll readily admit that himself. But we do have a complicated balance right now, since he's been stepped on by exes for a solid decade who never cared about his needs or cared what he has to say. So he decided that never again would his needs NOT be met and there's certain things he WILL NOT compromise on. I understand exactly why he is the way he is.

Now that he's in a HEALTHY relationship, he almost doesn't know what to do with it. It's unfamiliar. So I'm very patient with him because even him expressing when he's a little upset with me for something I did is HUGE progress. We have our tense spots where my needs aren't being met but he swears he's doing his best. But on the whole, we're very happy, and I understand the place in his head, the little voices of doubt that make him closed off. And it's ok. I don't push him.

I do appreciate where you're coming from, and had he just been some random person I started dating, it might give me pause. But I've known him for years and I have the ex who did most of this crap to him on a blacklist. We understand each other for the most part- I give him space and he brings home blueberry frozen yogurt. Win win :)


Blueberry fro-yo is always good... I'm very likely projecting. :)
 
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