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(Esquire)   Esquire columnist's one night stand goes awry because of the Boston lockdown   (esquire.com) divider line 90
    More: Amusing, Boston, Dan McCarthy, Advil  
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17573 clicks; posted to Main » on 20 Apr 2013 at 7:31 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-04-20 08:47:11 PM  
"Dear Esquire, I never thought this would happen to me..."
 
2013-04-20 08:50:17 PM  
I wasn't on lock down.
But I had a one night hand.
 
2013-04-20 09:06:17 PM  

StreetlightInTheGhetto: Earguy: Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: How do you meet booty call women in your 30's?

In my 20's I was able to amass a decent number of booty call girls (not the highest quality, mind you), but they've all either gotten knocked up, married, or moved away.

Now I'm 31 and it seems almost impossible to find new booty call women.

Stick with girls in their 20s?

Backwards. They think you're creepy. You have to go for the late 30s early 40s possibly newly divorced type.

/at least, my late 20s friend had a lot of luck fishing that pond til his early 30s
//shrug


Yep, this and pandering to the fears of desperate women in their early thirties on match.com worked pretty well. The monthly charge plus four to five coffee dates as month was still cheaper than regular dating.
 
2013-04-20 09:06:46 PM  

W.C.fields forever: I wasn't on lock down.
But I had a one night hand.


You made me drop my phone I laughed so hard!
 
2013-04-20 09:18:24 PM  

Macular Degenerate: Amusing piece of fiction.


bingo. but so much better than the reality of author who lives in mom's basement after wife #2 cleaned him out in divorce. the one slice of truth is waking up drunk.
 
2013-04-20 09:23:23 PM  

Gazgirl79: W.C.fields forever: I wasn't on lock down.
But I had a one night hand.

You made me drop my phone I laughed so hard!


//Shakes tiny fist
 
2013-04-20 09:27:53 PM  
[whathefarkamIreading.jpg]

Fake, did not happen, and even if it did the only person laughing was the booty call. There was absolutely nothing interesting or even remotely funny in there. Is this what journalism has come to?
 
2013-04-20 09:30:42 PM  

Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: HotWingAgenda: Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: How do you meet booty call women in your 30's?

In my 20's I was able to amass a decent number of booty call girls (not the highest quality, mind you), but they've all either gotten knocked up, married, or moved away.

Now I'm 31 and it seems almost impossible to find new booty call women.

If you figure it out, could you share with the class?

/28
//haven't had a booty call since college

I'm gonna work on it... If I make any headway I'll share my findings


I'd say it's about staying in the social loop of those in their 20's. Which personally I was, until January. Then I moved out of the ridiculous party apartment that I'd been administering for the last 7 years and into a quiet place in the hills.

I stand by my decision, but the moments of chance encounters have dropped right off.

/31. Not so sure about this 30's business.
 
2013-04-20 09:31:18 PM  
"Dear Dan:
I can't imagine how horrible that was for you. I spent all day in a Boston ICU getting my leg amputated, but you know, that's rough too.
- Marathon victim"
 
2013-04-20 09:43:10 PM  

Earguy: Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: How do you meet booty call women in your 30's?

In my 20's I was able to amass a decent number of booty call girls (not the highest quality, mind you), but they've all either gotten knocked up, married, or moved away.

Now I'm 31 and it seems almost impossible to find new booty call women.

Stick with girls in their 20s?


Find yourself a hot & lonely cougar...
 
2013-04-20 09:49:41 PM  
The word "lockdown" should never follow the name of a city in this country.
 
2013-04-20 09:58:50 PM  

Flint Ironstag: UNC_Samurai: Flint Ironstag: whistleridge: skinink: Jeebus, he got laid twice plus he wasn't really locked down as he was able to go grab some coffee and still do work from her place. I wish I had problems that worked out so conveniently well.

So now Esquire hires people to write "How badly I got laid" stories?

AND it sounds like she was pretty cool about all of it, and might even be worth following up on later in the day. #firstworldproblems, for sure.

Exactly. This could have turned an otherwise literally forgettable one night stand into the best "and that's how I met my wife" stories. She sounds like a keeper.

Coming this spring:  Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore in the feel-good rom-com of the year!  Two opposites in lockdown find they're unlocking each other's hearts.

I'd have gone with Ryan Reynolds and Mila Kunis....


Dammit, I just googled Fever Pitch and realized it was Jimmy Fallon that played opposite Drew.

The joke is, they've got experience at ruining historic events in Boston.
 
2013-04-20 10:11:35 PM  

andynz81: Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: HotWingAgenda: Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: How do you meet booty call women in your 30's?

In my 20's I was able to amass a decent number of booty call girls (not the highest quality, mind you), but they've all either gotten knocked up, married, or moved away.

Now I'm 31 and it seems almost impossible to find new booty call women.

If you figure it out, could you share with the class?

/28
//haven't had a booty call since college

I'm gonna work on it... If I make any headway I'll share my findings

I'd say it's about staying in the social loop of those in their 20's. Which personally I was, until January. Then I moved out of the ridiculous party apartment that I'd been administering for the last 7 years and into a quiet place in the hills.

I stand by my decision, but the moments of chance encounters have dropped right off.

/31. Not so sure about this 30's business.


30s suck. Im 35 and its been downhill all the way. Worst part is the girl in their 20s. They still look damned good, until you realize that now your the old perv in their eyes.

Unless your rich, then you can be the sugar daddy.

/not rich
 
2013-04-20 10:11:40 PM  
ftfa: '...go to Dunkin Donuts (if Dunkies closes, the terrorists win) and get some smokes. Provisions secured, we hiked back up the hill to her place, whereupon she reminded me that last night I had apparently forgotten where her apartment was and attempted to locate her by literally yelling her name in the street. A full block from where she lives, as it turns out.'

This cigarette smoker-loser (who still smokes?) horndog is paid to be a journalist?!?

/of course his low IQ would also explain his willingness to have a one-night-stand in one of the major STD hqs of the U.S...
 
2013-04-20 10:12:13 PM  

Flint Ironstag: UNC_Samurai: Flint Ironstag: whistleridge: skinink: Jeebus, he got laid twice plus he wasn't really locked down as he was able to go grab some coffee and still do work from her place. I wish I had problems that worked out so conveniently well.

So now Esquire hires people to write "How badly I got laid" stories?

AND it sounds like she was pretty cool about all of it, and might even be worth following up on later in the day. #firstworldproblems, for sure.

Exactly. This could have turned an otherwise literally forgettable one night stand into the best "and that's how I met my wife" stories. She sounds like a keeper.

Coming this spring:  Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore in the feel-good rom-com of the year!  Two opposites in lockdown find they're unlocking each other's hearts.

I'd have gone with Ryan Reynolds and Mila Kunis....


Why not Drew Barrymore and Mila Kunis?  That sounds like a MUCH better movie.  With Selena Gomez as the roommate...
 
2013-04-20 10:12:21 PM  
Oh, it's so fake, someone getting shiatfaced on Guinness and answering a booty call, that could never happen in a town like Boston...
 
2013-04-20 10:15:47 PM  

WhippingBoy: anuran: A decent writer could turn it into a best-selling romantic comedy. It's got all the elements.

Take home message: If you don't like someone well enough to spend a day with them, maybe you shouldn't fark them.

Wha???


The words appear to be in english, but they don't make any sense.

Also, Rob Schneider should be the roommate.
 
2013-04-20 10:17:27 PM  
Wow life is so hard for a good looking, young, employed, rich woman who has random strangers wanting to sleep with them all the time.
/bitter
 
2013-04-20 10:31:14 PM  

Sultan Of Herf: andynz81: Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: HotWingAgenda: Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: How do you meet booty call women in your 30's?

In my 20's I was able to amass a decent number of booty call girls (not the highest quality, mind you), but they've all either gotten knocked up, married, or moved away.

Now I'm 31 and it seems almost impossible to find new booty call women.

If you figure it out, could you share with the class?

/28
//haven't had a booty call since college

I'm gonna work on it... If I make any headway I'll share my findings

I'd say it's about staying in the social loop of those in their 20's. Which personally I was, until January. Then I moved out of the ridiculous party apartment that I'd been administering for the last 7 years and into a quiet place in the hills.

I stand by my decision, but the moments of chance encounters have dropped right off.

/31. Not so sure about this 30's business.

30s suck. Im 35 and its been downhill all the way. Worst part is the girl in their 20s. They still look damned good, until you realize that now your the old perv in their eyes.

Unless your rich, then you can be the sugar daddy.

/not rich


Agreed. 30s are just one big long downhill slide with no real light at all at the end of the tunnel except the sweet sweet embrace of death.
 
2013-04-20 10:33:07 PM  

FunkOut: Oh, it's so fake, someone getting shiatfaced on Guinness and answering a booty call, that could never happen in a town like Boston...


Heh. No kidding. There is a big fat grain of "happens all the time" behind that cliche.
 
2013-04-20 10:42:32 PM  

Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: How do you meet booty call women in your 30's?

In my 20's I was able to amass a decent number of booty call girls (not the highest quality, mind you), but they've all either gotten knocked up, married, or moved away.

Now I'm 31 and it seems almost impossible to find new booty call women.


I am in my 40's overweight and i still have to fight them off with a stick there is poontang all over the place.
 
2013-04-20 10:45:54 PM  

Duke_leto_Atredes: Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: How do you meet booty call women in your 30's?

In my 20's I was able to amass a decent number of booty call girls (not the highest quality, mind you), but they've all either gotten knocked up, married, or moved away.

Now I'm 31 and it seems almost impossible to find new booty call women.

I am in my 40's overweight and i still have to fight them off with a stick there is poontang all over the place.


Where!? Tell me where the poontang is!
 
2013-04-20 10:50:15 PM  
CSB. And a well-written article to boot.
 
2013-04-20 11:02:17 PM  

Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: Duke_leto_Atredes: Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: How do you meet booty call women in your 30's?

In my 20's I was able to amass a decent number of booty call girls (not the highest quality, mind you), but they've all either gotten knocked up, married, or moved away.

Now I'm 31 and it seems almost impossible to find new booty call women.

I am in my 40's overweight and i still have to fight them off with a stick there is poontang all over the place.

Where!? Tell me where the poontang is!


Whar???
40's..160...
Whar???
 
2013-04-20 11:55:56 PM  
For the people saying this could have turned into a "and that's how I met your mother" story, nope. Not gonna happen.

Men view one-night-stands as 'easy' and won't protect their biological line after marriage. Women on the other hand won't go for it because this person has seen them 'with their hair down' and don't want a future relationship where their virtue is questioned and would rather have a relationship where they can say "I've only had [3-5] relationships"

/in a row
//semi-trolling. This is fark after all.
 
2013-04-21 12:41:15 AM  

HotWingAgenda: AteMyBrain: Yeah, so...I don't believe Boston was "on lockdown". Pretty sure you could leave your house if you wanted to. You don't think the cops were going to round up and arrest every person outside a building, right?

I realize there's no story without it, but...

If they caught you wandering around outside, there was a good chance they would strip you naked on national television.


Now, if that had happened, there would have been a part of his "article" that was interesting and worth reading.
 
2013-04-21 12:48:44 AM  
I drank beer and had sex.  Fascinating stuff, no?
 
2013-04-21 01:08:20 AM  

neongoats: Sultan Of Herf: andynz81: Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: HotWingAgenda: Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: How do you meet booty call women in your 30's?

In my 20's I was able to amass a decent number of booty call girls (not the highest quality, mind you), but they've all either gotten knocked up, married, or moved away.

Now I'm 31 and it seems almost impossible to find new booty call women.


Women in their 30s have all gotten knocked-up, married, or fat.  But women in their 40s start getting divorced, having their kids be old enough for sitters, or gym memberships.  Women in their 20s won't find you "creepy" if you throw enough money around, but that's expensive.

Finally, consider just settling.  Stability may not be as exciting but it's less work, and shared living expenses means more money for other things, like retirement or travel or getting college-girls liquored-up enough to have threesomes.

Everything has trade-offs.
 
2013-04-21 01:10:15 AM  
img.izifunny.com
 
2013-04-21 01:11:32 AM  

neongoats: Sultan Of Herf: andynz81: Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: HotWingAgenda: Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: How do you meet booty call women in your 30's?

In my 20's I was able to amass a decent number of booty call girls (not the highest quality, mind you), but they've all either gotten knocked up, married, or moved away.

Now I'm 31 and it seems almost impossible to find new booty call women.

If you figure it out, could you share with the class?

/28
//haven't had a booty call since college

I'm gonna work on it... If I make any headway I'll share my findings

I'd say it's about staying in the social loop of those in their 20's. Which personally I was, until January. Then I moved out of the ridiculous party apartment that I'd been administering for the last 7 years and into a quiet place in the hills.

I stand by my decision, but the moments of chance encounters have dropped right off.

/31. Not so sure about this 30's business.

30s suck. Im 35 and its been downhill all the way. Worst part is the girl in their 20s. They still look damned good, until you realize that now your the old perv in their eyes.

Unless your rich, then you can be the sugar daddy.

/not rich

Agreed. 30s are just one big long downhill slide with no real light at all at the end of the tunnel except the sweet sweet embrace of death.


I was starting to think it was just me.

/longest
/slump
/ever
 
2013-04-21 02:02:19 AM  
The column by the patient who couldn't get to his dialysis treatments was much hipper and funnier.
 
2013-04-21 02:19:41 AM  

nanim: This cigarette smoker-loser (who still smokes?) horndog is paid to be a journalist?!?



Me.  Gonna go have one now, in fact.
 
2013-04-21 02:51:35 AM  
And it was then when I realized I had a problem. The whole city was locked down. Taxis were suspended. Public transit shuttered. Cops were going house to house. Armored vehicles were roaming the streets. No one could go out. You weren't even supposed to open the door unless it was for a cop.

This has been a test of the Martial Law system.
 
2013-04-21 03:43:17 AM  
Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom:

"How do you meet booty call women in your 30's?"

Become a part-time bouncer. All the drunk, easy girls love the bouncers.

/worked for my roommate in college. As far as I know, he's still doing it. Racked up a lotta puss.
 
FNG [TotalFark]
2013-04-21 03:45:59 AM  
More like "I wish this would have happened to me" BS.

Band camp, Dear Penthouse, etc.
 
2013-04-21 06:00:23 AM  

Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: How do you meet booty call women in your 30's?

In my 20's I was able to amass a decent number of booty call girls (not the highest quality, mind you), but they've all either gotten knocked up, married, or moved away.

Now I'm 31 and it seems almost impossible to find new booty call women.


Find a divorcee...  Make sure you remember which nights her ex has the kids, those are the nights she'll be free.
 
2013-04-21 09:19:17 AM  

anuran: A decent writer could turn it into a best-selling romantic comedy. It's got all the elements.

Take home message: If you don't like someone well enough to spend a day with them, maybe you shouldn't fark them.


What is wrong with you?
 
2013-04-21 11:33:44 AM  

Bonanza Jellybean: invictus2: [herecomestwo.files.wordpress.com image 850x633]

I do not understand why Lyndsy Fonseca isn't a bigger star.


Not like she's not trying.

i1011.photobucket.com
 
2013-04-21 12:26:54 PM  

Captain Kickass: anuran: A decent writer could turn it into a best-selling romantic comedy. It's got all the elements.

Take home message: If you don't like someone well enough to spend a day with them, maybe you shouldn't fark them.

What is wrong with you?


It's a pretty good rule.  You don't have to be "totes in luv" to fark, but if a whole day together sounds like a chore maybe, just maybe, you can find a better hole/pole to play with.

To be fair, I think TFAuthor is playing it up for the "me amz sexy stud" act.
 
2013-04-21 01:48:46 PM  

BarkingUnicorn: Writers' pay would be higher if it wasn't wasted on  crap like this.


golf clap
 
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