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(SFGate)   Ten things not to do in the bedroom - if you're ever able to talk someone else into joining you there (Article not safe for prudes)   (dating.sfgate.com ) divider line
    More: PSA  
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23032 clicks; posted to Main » on 20 Apr 2013 at 2:59 PM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Smartest)
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2013-04-20 03:23:10 PM  
3 votes:
The kind of people that need to read these lists are not going to be helped by these lists.
2013-04-20 01:25:33 PM  
3 votes:
Everyone loves sexy talk, but there are some thoughts that you should keep to yourself, no matter how relevant they may seem at the time.   Here are a few phrases that you should avoid in the bedroom if you don't want to spoil the mood:
"Does this look infected to you?"
"You remind me of my uncle."
"Forgive me, O Lord, for this disgusting sin that I am about to commit."
"You remind me of my gym teacher."
"Y'know what I haven't had in a long time?  Vienna sausages!"
"This reminds me, I need to schedule an appointment with my proctologist."
"You're much better at this than your mom!"
"You're not quite as good at this as your dad."
"Do you ever feel...'not so fresh'?"
"You had egg salad for lunch, didn't you?"

Avoid those phrases and you should be OK.
2013-04-20 07:12:36 PM  
2 votes:
The one thing I don't see here is something I learned by trial and some error, and it always seems to work.

Some women really like a light touch during foreplay. Starting with a gentle full palms down rub on the upper back and shoulders to a fingertips only on the forearms and down to the wrists. Keep easing on the fingertip pressure until you are just grazing the skin. (There is a fine line between enough pressure to make it arousing and tickling.) When ready move up to the neck and upper chest, I usually make little circles with the fingertips, with light enough pressure to skim the skin. Then start doing circles on the chest and back up to the neck,
Get feedback. How does this feel, ect. When she is ready focus on the breasts with as little pressure as you can. If she is ticklish you will have to bear down some more. Play by ear. When you get to the nipples, use the lightest contact you can. If it is going well, her whole focus will be to sense the super light contact of your fingertips. Plus they should be super-warm from friction, so she should be able to feel the heat from them as well. If you maintain the light touch and circle and rub, you can use more pressure as she gets more aroused. Then you can explore other places.
Once your partner is really, really warmed up everything else will follow. From what I have heard, a lot of the bad sex is simply getting too anxious and skipping the foreplay.
2013-04-20 04:39:36 PM  
2 votes:
#1 Never take sex advice from a white North American female, whether she's spouting it from the internet, magazine, or tv, this is a woman who thinks her life is like Friends or sex in the city and doesn't know her own ass from a hole in the ground. Want to know what your partner likes? Ask them.
2013-04-20 04:26:05 PM  
2 votes:
11) Don't take sex tips from "Top Ten Lists"!
2013-04-20 04:09:38 PM  
2 votes:
If we kicked the cat out of the room at sexytime, she would keep meowing and scratching , which would bring an offspring inquiry. We prefer not to gave a big meowing sign when we're having fun, so she just gets pushed aside. After the first couple of times she got that she was not getting petted just then.
2013-04-20 02:14:31 PM  
2 votes:

The_Sponge: 14) Give her an "angry pirate"....unless she's into that, and 99.999999% of women are not.


Or anything that has a definition on Urban Dictionary
2013-04-20 12:57:15 PM  
2 votes:
"Don't try to slip it in the backdoor without warning. And then pretend it was totally an accident. We all know better."

Bears repeating. Better to ask.
2013-04-21 05:53:36 PM  
1 vote:

abhorrent1: TFA writer. And she's into anal, guys!

[www.nypost.com image 350x600]


Why is it that these articles are always written by some unfarkable lard-ass?
2013-04-20 09:24:25 PM  
1 vote:

911Jenny: Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: teenage mutant ninja rapist: The_Sponge: Fast Thick Pants: All in all, I think this is a pretty good list.

/By the way, since we're on the topic, I'd like everyone to know that I had sex today, and that I'm pretty happy about it.


Well hello Mr. Fancy Pants.

/My last time was two weeks ago.

Im slumping hardcore. Havent been laid since the beginning february. Its just so much easier to sit at home watching porno than to actually deal with a woman

Same here. I'm in the horrible situation where I'm still living with me ex until we can afford to get our own places, and my "friend with benefits" who had her own ace started dating some guy.

I haven't been laid in like 6 weeks. I'll think about going out sometimes, but I usually just whack off an watch a movie instead.

4 months.....4 long, lonely...so lonely....months.


Doesn't count. You're a chick, you can go to any bar on any night and find a decent looking guy to take home and bang. Any dry spells for you are self-imposed.
2013-04-20 06:45:23 PM  
1 vote:

stiletto_the_wise: Particularly if you know the answer would be 'no'. Just go for it!


Isn't that, erm, technically, rape? And therefore ungentlemanly as well as JUST FARKING WRONG.
2013-04-20 05:07:57 PM  
1 vote:

teenage mutant ninja rapist: The_Sponge: Fast Thick Pants: All in all, I think this is a pretty good list.

/By the way, since we're on the topic, I'd like everyone to know that I had sex today, and that I'm pretty happy about it.


Well hello Mr. Fancy Pants.

/My last time was two weeks ago.

Im slumping hardcore. Havent been laid since the beginning february. Its just so much easier to sit at home watching porno than to actually deal with a woman


Agreed.

Wait. February, which year?
2013-04-20 04:58:29 PM  
1 vote:

Fast Thick Pants: All in all, I think this is a pretty good list.

/By the way, since we're on the topic, I'd like everyone to know that I had sex today, and that I'm pretty happy about it.


I dunno about a good list, but it covers some of the basics that you learn early on. Others should include keep a towel handy for the wetspot, not throwing the used condom in the toilet to float around, don't get scared when that time of the month comes around, they'll still enjoy it. If you take the dirt road, don't vomit if there's a bit of poo on your junk when you pull out (I've actually had a coworker tell me they did that). Don't be scared to kiss after oral. Vaseline sucks as a sex lube. Try not to burst into laughter every time you thrust and some air comes shooting out like a fart. Don't be afraid to bring toys into the mix, etc etc.
2013-04-20 04:29:12 PM  
1 vote:
24.media.tumblr.com
Found this one out the HARD way.

/There was a ceiling fan...
//And for a few mintues I was literally well hung.
2013-04-20 04:01:08 PM  
1 vote:
#5 is how I found out my wife WAS into it.
2013-04-20 03:50:14 PM  
1 vote:

dennysgod: #3 leads me to believe that the author, despite being married, has no kids, otherwise she'd understand that you normally have a small amount of "alone" time and you don't want to blow it all taking about laundry and what happened at work so you have to multitask.


If people with kids had any intention of continuing to have good sex, they wouldn't have had kids.
2013-04-20 03:08:39 PM  
1 vote:

Super Chronic: The_Sponge: FTFA:

1. Don't let the dog/cat sit next to you on the bed and watch you get it on. Yes, he's a soft, adorable fluff ball, and you totally want to give him hugs. But it's just creepy to suddenly look over and see an animal staring at you intensely while kneading the bed sheets with his claws.*


CSB:

I once had a girl's cat jump on my chest while she was giving me a beej.

My wife and I used to let the dog stay in the room, we figured no big deal, until this one time when I felt a cold nose on my ass.  An UNIA, you might say.


He was just trying to get to know you.
2013-04-20 03:07:14 PM  
1 vote:
www.postcity.com
2013-04-20 03:05:21 PM  
1 vote:
"Don't be critical"

I've had to tell women "No teeth!"  More than once.  Sometimes you gotta speak up if they're doing it wrong.
2013-04-20 02:11:54 PM  
1 vote:
12) Tell her that her sister was better.

13) Have your friends jump out of the closet and yell out "RODEO!"

14) Give her an "angry pirate"....unless she's into that, and 99.999999% of women are not.
 
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