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(SFGate)   Ten things not to do in the bedroom - if you're ever able to talk someone else into joining you there (Article not safe for prudes)   (dating.sfgate.com) divider line 102
    More: PSA  
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23016 clicks; posted to Main » on 20 Apr 2013 at 2:59 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-04-20 12:17:06 PM  
Don't treat his or her head like a steering wheel when you're receiving oral sex.

Perfect for those tight corners.
 
2013-04-20 12:57:15 PM  
"Don't try to slip it in the backdoor without warning. And then pretend it was totally an accident. We all know better."

Bears repeating. Better to ask.
 
2013-04-20 12:59:54 PM  
5. "I'm sorry, I was thought it was an all access pass."
 
2013-04-20 01:24:31 PM  
11.  Teeth/assuming a guy wants you to play with his balls
 
2013-04-20 01:25:33 PM  
Everyone loves sexy talk, but there are some thoughts that you should keep to yourself, no matter how relevant they may seem at the time.   Here are a few phrases that you should avoid in the bedroom if you don't want to spoil the mood:
"Does this look infected to you?"
"You remind me of my uncle."
"Forgive me, O Lord, for this disgusting sin that I am about to commit."
"You remind me of my gym teacher."
"Y'know what I haven't had in a long time?  Vienna sausages!"
"This reminds me, I need to schedule an appointment with my proctologist."
"You're much better at this than your mom!"
"You're not quite as good at this as your dad."
"Do you ever feel...'not so fresh'?"
"You had egg salad for lunch, didn't you?"

Avoid those phrases and you should be OK.
 
2013-04-20 01:28:50 PM  

FloydA: Everyone loves sexy talk, but there are some thoughts that you should keep to yourself, no matter how relevant they may seem at the time.   Here are a few phrases that you should avoid in the bedroom if you don't want to spoil the mood:
"Does this look infected to you?"
"You remind me of my uncle."
"Forgive me, O Lord, for this disgusting sin that I am about to commit."
"You remind me of my gym teacher."
"Y'know what I haven't had in a long time?  Vienna sausages!"
"This reminds me, I need to schedule an appointment with my proctologist."
"You're much better at this than your mom!"
"You're not quite as good at this as your dad."
"Do you ever feel...'not so fresh'?"
"You had egg salad for lunch, didn't you?"

Avoid those phrases and you should be OK.


Happy birthday, Grandma!
 
2013-04-20 02:11:54 PM  
12) Tell her that her sister was better.

13) Have your friends jump out of the closet and yell out "RODEO!"

14) Give her an "angry pirate"....unless she's into that, and 99.999999% of women are not.
 
2013-04-20 02:14:31 PM  

The_Sponge: 14) Give her an "angry pirate"....unless she's into that, and 99.999999% of women are not.


Or anything that has a definition on Urban Dictionary
 
2013-04-20 02:17:18 PM  

Donnchadha: The_Sponge: 14) Give her an "angry pirate"....unless she's into that, and 99.999999% of women are not.

Or anything that has a definition on Urban Dictionary



I wonder if there is a term for when a guy farts while he's going down on a girl.

/Did it once with my ex.
//She laughed.
 
2013-04-20 02:21:11 PM  
FTFA:

1. Don't let the dog/cat sit next to you on the bed and watch you get it on. Yes, he's a soft, adorable fluff ball, and you totally want to give him hugs. But it's just creepy to suddenly look over and see an animal staring at you intensely while kneading the bed sheets with his claws.*


CSB:

I once had a girl's cat jump on my chest while she was giving me a beej.
 
2013-04-20 02:35:31 PM  

The_Sponge: FTFA:

1. Don't let the dog/cat sit next to you on the bed and watch you get it on. Yes, he's a soft, adorable fluff ball, and you totally want to give him hugs. But it's just creepy to suddenly look over and see an animal staring at you intensely while kneading the bed sheets with his claws.*


CSB:

I once had a girl's cat jump on my chest while she was giving me a beej.


That's a lot of pussy for just one man.
 
2013-04-20 02:50:53 PM  
'Talk', subby? Talk is for wimps. Chloroform is what real men use.


/Or begging.
 
2013-04-20 03:03:52 PM  
Donkey punches are also frowned upon
 
2013-04-20 03:05:21 PM  
"Don't be critical"

I've had to tell women "No teeth!"  More than once.  Sometimes you gotta speak up if they're doing it wrong.
 
2013-04-20 03:05:43 PM  
11. Reenacting any scene from "Explosive Diarrhea Gang-Bang #12".
 
2013-04-20 03:05:56 PM  

Fark It: 11.  Teeth/assuming a guy wants you to play with his balls


Agreed.  I've always preferred them to leave the nutsack alone.  Same goes for nipples.
 
2013-04-20 03:06:15 PM  
So where does the "Rusty Venture" figure in to this?
 
2013-04-20 03:06:52 PM  
sorry honey that I rammed my rock hard dick onto your ass hole, but I went for a slightly long stroke during the higher speed shafting and popped out.

/like running into a tree.
 
2013-04-20 03:07:14 PM  
www.postcity.com
 
2013-04-20 03:07:48 PM  

The_Sponge: FTFA:

1. Don't let the dog/cat sit next to you on the bed and watch you get it on. Yes, he's a soft, adorable fluff ball, and you totally want to give him hugs. But it's just creepy to suddenly look over and see an animal staring at you intensely while kneading the bed sheets with his claws.*


CSB:

I once had a girl's cat jump on my chest while she was giving me a beej.


My wife and I used to let the dog stay in the room, we figured no big deal, until this one time when I felt a cold nose on my ass.  An UNIA, you might say.
 
2013-04-20 03:08:26 PM  
Don't let the dog/cat sit next to you on the bed and watch you get it on.

I once did the deed with a girl while her puppy was present, and he thought I was attacking her and kept biting my skull.
 
2013-04-20 03:08:39 PM  

Super Chronic: The_Sponge: FTFA:

1. Don't let the dog/cat sit next to you on the bed and watch you get it on. Yes, he's a soft, adorable fluff ball, and you totally want to give him hugs. But it's just creepy to suddenly look over and see an animal staring at you intensely while kneading the bed sheets with his claws.*


CSB:

I once had a girl's cat jump on my chest while she was giving me a beej.

My wife and I used to let the dog stay in the room, we figured no big deal, until this one time when I felt a cold nose on my ass.  An UNIA, you might say.


He was just trying to get to know you.
 
2013-04-20 03:09:36 PM  

The_Sponge: 12) Tell her that her sister was better.

13) Have your friends jump out of the closet and yell out "RODEO!"

14) Give her an "angry pirate"....unless she's into that, and 99.999999% of women are not.


I've done #12 though instead I just said her sister's name instead of hers ... she froze and it took a few minutes to convince her it was a joke (which it was)
 
2013-04-20 03:09:42 PM  

The_Sponge: CSB:

I once had a girl's cat jump on my chest while she was giving me a beej.


Relevant gif (SFW).
 
2013-04-20 03:11:20 PM  
Don't let the dog/cat sit next to you on the bed and watch you get it on. Yes, he's a soft, adorable fluff ball, and you totally want to give him hugs. But it's just creepy to suddenly look over and see an animal staring at you intensely while kneading the bed sheets with his claws.*

If the animal isn't likely to walk over and interrupt you or blurt out your funny sounds at a dinner party why?  You watch them have sex, why can't they see you in your animal moments?

/May not apply to cockatoos, dogs or cats.
 
2013-04-20 03:13:40 PM  
5.  We had been drinking, it fell out, I thought I was putting back in.

You never saw a girl turn around so fast.


/ ruined my last condom . . . and the evening.
 
2013-04-20 03:13:46 PM  

Peepeye: "Don't try to slip it in the backdoor without warning. And then pretend it was totally an accident. We all know better."

Bears repeating. Better to ask.


I thought it was better to ask for forgiveness than permission.
 
2013-04-20 03:15:18 PM  

sforce: The_Sponge: 12) Tell her that her sister was better.

13) Have your friends jump out of the closet and yell out "RODEO!"

14) Give her an "angry pirate"....unless she's into that, and 99.999999% of women are not.

I've done #12 though instead I just said her sister's name instead of hers ... she froze and it took a few minutes to convince her it was a joke (which it was)


I too did #12. My wife has a great sense of humor...she asked me,"Which one?"
 
2013-04-20 03:16:44 PM  
Don't let the dog/cat sit next to you on the bed and watch you get it on. Yes, he's a soft, adorable fluff ball, and you totally want to give him hugs. But it's just creepy to suddenly look over and see an animal staring at you intensely while kneading the bed sheets with his claws.*

Or when the cat understands that there's affection going on and he wants some.  When she's afraid of cats.
 
2013-04-20 03:17:43 PM  

Cyno01: Peepeye: "Don't try to slip it in the backdoor without warning. And then pretend it was totally an accident. We all know better."

Bears repeating. Better to ask.

I thought it was better to ask for forgiveness than permission.


Particularly if you know the answer would be 'no'. Just go for it!
 
2013-04-20 03:18:08 PM  
#3 leads me to believe that the author, despite being married, has no kids, otherwise she'd understand that you normally have a small amount of "alone" time and you don't want to blow it all taking about laundry and what happened at work so you have to multitask.
 
2013-04-20 03:23:10 PM  
The kind of people that need to read these lists are not going to be helped by these lists.
 
2013-04-20 03:26:22 PM  
Our previous cat was never around when we started and then when it was over, there was the cat, sitting there with a smug, squinty look on her face.
 
2013-04-20 03:30:33 PM  

The_Sponge: FTFA:

1. Don't let the dog/cat sit next to you on the bed and watch you get it on. Yes, he's a soft, adorable fluff ball, and you totally want to give him hugs. But it's just creepy to suddenly look over and see an animal staring at you intensely while kneading the bed sheets with his claws.*


CSB:

I once had a girl's cat jump on my chest while she was giving me a beej.


Well, your hands were free, you should have been using them to pet the cat, of course.

The door in the master bath back at home doesn't stay closed all that well, so the cat will push it open and demand attention when you're on the john. She knows exactly what's going on in there, but damn it, you could be using that time productively by rubbing her while you're at it.
 
2013-04-20 03:38:03 PM  
But.....it's Caturday.
 
2013-04-20 03:44:44 PM  

cptjeff: The_Sponge: FTFA:

1. Don't let the dog/cat sit next to you on the bed and watch you get it on. Yes, he's a soft, adorable fluff ball, and you totally want to give him hugs. But it's just creepy to suddenly look over and see an animal staring at you intensely while kneading the bed sheets with his claws.*


CSB:

I once had a girl's cat jump on my chest while she was giving me a beej.

Well, your hands were free, you should have been using them to pet the cat, of course.

The door in the master bath back at home doesn't stay closed all that well, so the cat will push it open and demand attention when you're on the john. She knows exactly what's going on in there, but damn it, you could be using that time productively by rubbing her while you're at it.


Absolutely. If your pants are around your ankles, you might as well be rubbing some pussy
 
2013-04-20 03:50:14 PM  

dennysgod: #3 leads me to believe that the author, despite being married, has no kids, otherwise she'd understand that you normally have a small amount of "alone" time and you don't want to blow it all taking about laundry and what happened at work so you have to multitask.


If people with kids had any intention of continuing to have good sex, they wouldn't have had kids.
 
2013-04-20 03:52:51 PM  
Regarding #5... saying that the snake has one eye is just a figure of speech, we can't actually see out of it. Sometimes an accident is really just an accident.
 
2013-04-20 04:01:08 PM  
#5 is how I found out my wife WAS into it.
 
2013-04-20 04:03:42 PM  

Peepeye: "Don't try to slip it in the backdoor without warning. And then pretend it was totally an accident. We all know better."

Bears repeating. Better to ask.


Also known as a "Southern trespass".
 
2013-04-20 04:09:38 PM  
If we kicked the cat out of the room at sexytime, she would keep meowing and scratching , which would bring an offspring inquiry. We prefer not to gave a big meowing sign when we're having fun, so she just gets pushed aside. After the first couple of times she got that she was not getting petted just then.
 
2013-04-20 04:11:07 PM  

The_Sponge: 14) Give her an "angry pirate"....unless she's into that, and 99.999999% of women are not.


Let's see . . . about 7,080,075,000 people on the earth, .4975 of which are female, so about 3,522,248,367 women . . . 0.99999999 are a no go, so that leaves about 35 who are.

Gentlemen, we have a mission . . . find these 35 women!
 
2013-04-20 04:15:46 PM  
I guess nobody mentioned "farting during oral" because there's not much you can do to prevent it.

/she laughed & said her nose was so numb from coke she couldn't smell anything, so that turned out all right
 
2013-04-20 04:17:35 PM  
UFIA.
 
2013-04-20 04:20:41 PM  

Donnchadha: The_Sponge: 14) Give her an "angry pirate"....unless she's into that, and 99.999999% of women are not.

Or anything that has a definition on Urban Dictionary


Nah, my ex wife used to occasionally give me a variation of the rusty trombone. One hand jerking, one playing with the balls whilst tongue punching my fartbox. It's really quite exquisite.
 
2013-04-20 04:21:20 PM  

Dingleberry Dickwad: Donnchadha: The_Sponge: 14) Give her an "angry pirate"....unless she's into that, and 99.999999% of women are not.

Or anything that has a definition on Urban Dictionary

Nah, my ex wife used to occasionally give me a variation of the rusty trombone. One hand jerking, one playing with the balls whilst tongue punching my fartbox. It's really quite exquisite.


Dammit forgot to link rusty trombone.
 
2013-04-20 04:23:50 PM  
s22.postimg.org

Oh, and she's only on volume 1. 49 more to go.
 
2013-04-20 04:25:25 PM  
Damn East German cat kept scoring me low.
 
2013-04-20 04:26:05 PM  
11) Don't take sex tips from "Top Ten Lists"!
 
2013-04-20 04:29:12 PM  
24.media.tumblr.com
Found this one out the HARD way.

/There was a ceiling fan...
//And for a few mintues I was literally well hung.
 
2013-04-20 04:34:47 PM  

Aar1012: Happy birthday, Grandma!


Reminds me of this:
So I was eating out this girl, and I tasted horse semen. I looked up and said "oh Grandma! That's how you died!"
 
2013-04-20 04:35:40 PM  
Don't have sex in a very uncomfortable place.
 
2013-04-20 04:36:50 PM  
Don't treat his or her head like a steering wheel when you're receiving oral sex.

Steering wheel, no.  I don't know many women whose necks are that flexible.

Use her pigtails, or, as they're commonly known in that particular situation, "handlebars".

Also, I've never seen someone so completely demolish the credibility of her article with the last four words.
 
2013-04-20 04:39:08 PM  

maxx2112: The_Sponge: 14) Give her an "angry pirate"....unless she's into that, and 99.999999% of women are not.

Let's see . . . about 7,080,075,000 people on the earth, .4975 of which are female, so about 3,522,248,367 women . . . 0.99999999 are a no go, so that leaves about 35 who are.

Gentlemen, we have a mission . . . find these 35 women!


BWAHAHAHAHA!

I wondered if somebody would actually crunch the numbers.  Well done, sir.
 
2013-04-20 04:39:36 PM  
#1 Never take sex advice from a white North American female, whether she's spouting it from the internet, magazine, or tv, this is a woman who thinks her life is like Friends or sex in the city and doesn't know her own ass from a hole in the ground. Want to know what your partner likes? Ask them.
 
2013-04-20 04:40:36 PM  
All in all, I think this is a pretty good list.

/By the way, since we're on the topic, I'd like everyone to know that I had sex today, and that I'm pretty happy about it.
 
2013-04-20 04:44:23 PM  

YodaBlues: Don't have sex in a very uncomfortable place.


Like the back of a Volkswagon?

/obligatory
 
2013-04-20 04:44:59 PM  
11.   Don't forget to pay her.
 
2013-04-20 04:45:05 PM  

Fast Thick Pants: All in all, I think this is a pretty good list.

/By the way, since we're on the topic, I'd like everyone to know that I had sex today, and that I'm pretty happy about it.



Well hello Mr. Fancy Pants.

/My last time was two weeks ago.
 
2013-04-20 04:45:42 PM  
I once brought a donkey, and a honeycomb to my bedroom and
 
2013-04-20 04:51:11 PM  

The_Sponge: 12) Tell her that her sister was better.

13) Have your friends jump out of the closet and yell out "RODEO!"

14) Give her an "angry pirate"....unless she's into that, and 99.999999% of women are not.


Off to look up "angry pirate"...

Oh, chicks just call those guys a$$holes, never knew there was a term for that.

/Mr shintochick is considerate enough not to do this.
 
2013-04-20 04:52:18 PM  

The_Sponge: Fast Thick Pants: All in all, I think this is a pretty good list.

/By the way, since we're on the topic, I'd like everyone to know that I had sex today, and that I'm pretty happy about it.


Well hello Mr. Fancy Pants.

/My last time was two weeks ago.


Im slumping hardcore. Havent been laid since the beginning february. Its just so much easier to sit at home watching porno than to actually deal with a woman
 
2013-04-20 04:52:27 PM  
11. Don't fart while doing a 69

/ex-gf did that to me ... *yuck*
//well, yes: ex...
 
2013-04-20 04:53:09 PM  

YodaBlues: Don't have sex in a very uncomfortable place.


Already covered.

5. Don't try to slip it in the backdoor without warning. And then pretend it was totally an accident. We all know better.** 1
 
2013-04-20 04:53:35 PM  
Well  if you don't have a SO who want's it every day then fark you you plebians and hope you  get SOME
 
2013-04-20 04:53:54 PM  

lousy screw: 11.   Don't forget to pay her.


 . . .  a compliment.
 
2013-04-20 04:58:29 PM  

Fast Thick Pants: All in all, I think this is a pretty good list.

/By the way, since we're on the topic, I'd like everyone to know that I had sex today, and that I'm pretty happy about it.


I dunno about a good list, but it covers some of the basics that you learn early on. Others should include keep a towel handy for the wetspot, not throwing the used condom in the toilet to float around, don't get scared when that time of the month comes around, they'll still enjoy it. If you take the dirt road, don't vomit if there's a bit of poo on your junk when you pull out (I've actually had a coworker tell me they did that). Don't be scared to kiss after oral. Vaseline sucks as a sex lube. Try not to burst into laughter every time you thrust and some air comes shooting out like a fart. Don't be afraid to bring toys into the mix, etc etc.
 
2013-04-20 05:00:55 PM  

Peepeye: "Don't try to slip it in the backdoor without warning. And then pretend it was totally an accident. We all know better."

Bears repeating. Better to ask.


Proper instructions here (NSFW?)
 
2013-04-20 05:07:26 PM  
After anal wait until the next day to ask her to switch from extra chunky to smooth peanut butter.

 coreessentials2.homestead.com
 
2013-04-20 05:07:57 PM  

teenage mutant ninja rapist: The_Sponge: Fast Thick Pants: All in all, I think this is a pretty good list.

/By the way, since we're on the topic, I'd like everyone to know that I had sex today, and that I'm pretty happy about it.


Well hello Mr. Fancy Pants.

/My last time was two weeks ago.

Im slumping hardcore. Havent been laid since the beginning february. Its just so much easier to sit at home watching porno than to actually deal with a woman


Agreed.

Wait. February, which year?
 
2013-04-20 05:09:37 PM  
Number +1) If you make requests, be aware they can be interpreted differently than exactly how they play out in your mind.

Had an ex- that wanted to try some light kink. Handcuffs and requested dirty talk. The funny thing is certain words bugged her and other ones didn't and they made NO SENSE in terms of severity or function! B*tch was requested to be taken off the list. C*nt was apparently fine and even encouraged.

I can't perform under these conditions where I have to randomly filter conversation that I wouldn't normally use!

/B*tch punched me in the neck during mutually agreed to break-up. Crazy, crazy chick in a completely demure outer casing.
 
2013-04-20 05:11:17 PM  
i.imgur.com
 
2013-04-20 05:32:26 PM  
Don't forget to pay.
 
2013-04-20 05:38:12 PM  
Should be required reading for Leonard from "The Big Bang Theory." I cringe every time there's a sex scene with him, 'cause I know he's going to say something stupid.
 
2013-04-20 05:44:54 PM  

Erder: Number +1) If you make requests, be aware they can be interpreted differently than exactly how they play out in your mind.

Had an ex- that wanted to try some light kink. Handcuffs and requested dirty talk. The funny thing is certain words bugged her and other ones didn't and they made NO SENSE in terms of severity or function! B*tch was requested to be taken off the list. C*nt was apparently fine and even encouraged.

I can't perform under these conditions where I have to randomly filter conversation that I wouldn't normally use!

/B*tch punched me in the neck during mutually agreed to break-up. Crazy, crazy chick in a completely demure outer casing.


I'm going to say you got lucky that you got out if the break up was that dramatic.

Also, if biotch is not OK, but coont is, I am completely confused. Neither are on my approved list. I pretty much don't want my husband to sound like he has road rage while railing me. He can just save biotch and coont for cussing bad women drivers.
 
2013-04-20 05:51:42 PM  
Okay, don't run for the shower after sex. Got it. What if I take her with me, though?
 
2013-04-20 06:00:45 PM  

The_Sponge: Fast Thick Pants: All in all, I think this is a pretty good list.

/By the way, since we're on the topic, I'd like everyone to know that I had sex today, and that I'm pretty happy about it.


Well hello Mr. Fancy Pants.

/My last time was two weeks ago.


By myself, or with somebody else?
 
2013-04-20 06:02:37 PM  
Ha ha....love the comments below TFA:

"Don't wipe your dick on the curtains once you're finished. Women really hate that."

"That's what you do to make them scream twice."
 
2013-04-20 06:45:23 PM  

stiletto_the_wise: Particularly if you know the answer would be 'no'. Just go for it!


Isn't that, erm, technically, rape? And therefore ungentlemanly as well as JUST FARKING WRONG.
 
2013-04-20 07:12:36 PM  
The one thing I don't see here is something I learned by trial and some error, and it always seems to work.

Some women really like a light touch during foreplay. Starting with a gentle full palms down rub on the upper back and shoulders to a fingertips only on the forearms and down to the wrists. Keep easing on the fingertip pressure until you are just grazing the skin. (There is a fine line between enough pressure to make it arousing and tickling.) When ready move up to the neck and upper chest, I usually make little circles with the fingertips, with light enough pressure to skim the skin. Then start doing circles on the chest and back up to the neck,
Get feedback. How does this feel, ect. When she is ready focus on the breasts with as little pressure as you can. If she is ticklish you will have to bear down some more. Play by ear. When you get to the nipples, use the lightest contact you can. If it is going well, her whole focus will be to sense the super light contact of your fingertips. Plus they should be super-warm from friction, so she should be able to feel the heat from them as well. If you maintain the light touch and circle and rub, you can use more pressure as she gets more aroused. Then you can explore other places.
Once your partner is really, really warmed up everything else will follow. From what I have heard, a lot of the bad sex is simply getting too anxious and skipping the foreplay.
 
2013-04-20 07:44:53 PM  

Super Chronic: The_Sponge: FTFA:

1. Don't let the dog/cat sit next to you on the bed and watch you get it on. Yes, he's a soft, adorable fluff ball, and you totally want to give him hugs. But it's just creepy to suddenly look over and see an animal staring at you intensely while kneading the bed sheets with his claws.*


CSB:

I once had a girl's cat jump on my chest while she was giving me a beej.

My wife and I used to let the dog stay in the room, we figured no big deal, until this one time when I felt a cold nose on my ass.  An UNIA, you might say.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mx2V-D-Xdq8">http://www.youtube.com/w atch?v=mx2V-D-Xdq8
 
2013-04-20 08:03:46 PM  

Loren: Don't let the dog/cat sit next to you on the bed and watch you get it on. Yes, he's a soft, adorable fluff ball, and you totally want to give him hugs. But it's just creepy to suddenly look over and see an animal staring at you intensely while kneading the bed sheets with his claws.*

Or when the cat understands that there's affection going on and he wants some.  When she's afraid of cats.


My cat used to love my roommate's bf and become jealous late at night or early in the morning that someone else was being played with instead of her.  Which meant that I got woken up and alerted to the activity by my cat scratching to get into their bedroom.

This usually resulted me me lovingly throwing a pillow at her.
 
2013-04-20 08:07:26 PM  

maxx2112: 5.  We had been drinking, it fell out, I thought I was putting back in.

You never saw a girl turn around so fast.


/ ruined my last condom . . . and the evening.


Her asshole must've been loose.
 
2013-04-20 08:22:32 PM  

orbister: stiletto_the_wise: Particularly if you know the answer would be 'no'. Just go for it!

Isn't that, erm, technically, rape? And therefore ungentlemanly as well as JUST FARKING WRONG.


Well, maybe.  But it's not rape-rape, so it's okay.

Besides, rape is like saying hello when you're in Japan.  And it comes in 40lb boxes.

/supplies buttshecks!
 
2013-04-20 08:26:21 PM  

Roquefort: maxx2112: 5.  We had been drinking, it fell out, I thought I was putting back in.

You never saw a girl turn around so fast.


/ ruined my last condom . . . and the evening.

Her asshole must've been loose.



I guess . . . I doubt there was full penetration.  Just enough for her to say "THAT'S NOT IT!"
 
2013-04-20 08:36:46 PM  

teenage mutant ninja rapist: The_Sponge: Fast Thick Pants: All in all, I think this is a pretty good list.

/By the way, since we're on the topic, I'd like everyone to know that I had sex today, and that I'm pretty happy about it.


Well hello Mr. Fancy Pants.

/My last time was two weeks ago.

Im slumping hardcore. Havent been laid since the beginning february. Its just so much easier to sit at home watching porno than to actually deal with a woman


Same here. I'm in the horrible situation where I'm still living with me ex until we can afford to get our own places, and my "friend with benefits" who had her own ace started dating some guy.

I haven't been laid in like 6 weeks. I'll think about going out sometimes, but I usually just whack off an watch a movie instead.
 
2013-04-20 09:20:05 PM  

Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: teenage mutant ninja rapist: The_Sponge: Fast Thick Pants: All in all, I think this is a pretty good list.

/By the way, since we're on the topic, I'd like everyone to know that I had sex today, and that I'm pretty happy about it.


Well hello Mr. Fancy Pants.

/My last time was two weeks ago.

Im slumping hardcore. Havent been laid since the beginning february. Its just so much easier to sit at home watching porno than to actually deal with a woman

Same here. I'm in the horrible situation where I'm still living with me ex until we can afford to get our own places, and my "friend with benefits" who had her own ace started dating some guy.

I haven't been laid in like 6 weeks. I'll think about going out sometimes, but I usually just whack off an watch a movie instead.


4 months.....4 long, lonely...so lonely....months.
 
2013-04-20 09:24:25 PM  

911Jenny: Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: teenage mutant ninja rapist: The_Sponge: Fast Thick Pants: All in all, I think this is a pretty good list.

/By the way, since we're on the topic, I'd like everyone to know that I had sex today, and that I'm pretty happy about it.


Well hello Mr. Fancy Pants.

/My last time was two weeks ago.

Im slumping hardcore. Havent been laid since the beginning february. Its just so much easier to sit at home watching porno than to actually deal with a woman

Same here. I'm in the horrible situation where I'm still living with me ex until we can afford to get our own places, and my "friend with benefits" who had her own ace started dating some guy.

I haven't been laid in like 6 weeks. I'll think about going out sometimes, but I usually just whack off an watch a movie instead.

4 months.....4 long, lonely...so lonely....months.


Doesn't count. You're a chick, you can go to any bar on any night and find a decent looking guy to take home and bang. Any dry spells for you are self-imposed.
 
2013-04-20 09:50:24 PM  

Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: 911Jenny: Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: teenage mutant ninja rapist: The_Sponge: Fast Thick Pants: All in all, I think this is a pretty good list.

/By the way, since we're on the topic, I'd like everyone to know that I had sex today, and that I'm pretty happy about it.


Well hello Mr. Fancy Pants.

/My last time was two weeks ago.

Im slumping hardcore. Havent been laid since the beginning february. Its just so much easier to sit at home watching porno than to actually deal with a woman

Same here. I'm in the horrible situation where I'm still living with me ex until we can afford to get our own places, and my "friend with benefits" who had her own ace started dating some guy.

I haven't been laid in like 6 weeks. I'll think about going out sometimes, but I usually just whack off an watch a movie instead.

4 months.....4 long, lonely...so lonely....months.

Doesn't count. You're a chick, you can go to any bar on any night and find a decent looking guy to take home and bang. Any dry spells for you are self-imposed.


Damn me and my standards and what not.
 
2013-04-20 10:14:08 PM  

Dingleberry Dickwad: Donnchadha: The_Sponge: 14) Give her an "angry pirate"....unless she's into that, and 99.999999% of women are not.

Or anything that has a definition on Urban Dictionary

Nah, my ex wife used to occasionally give me a variation of the rusty trombone. One hand jerking, one playing with the balls whilst tongue punching my fartbox. It's really quite exquisite.


I hope your Fark handle was not empirically assigned or else it should be called more of a brown trombone.
 
2013-04-20 10:28:00 PM  
I wonder how much the dating website that wrote this blog article paid SFGate to publish it.
 
2013-04-21 01:20:04 AM  

phlegmmo: Don't treat his or her head like a steering wheel when you're receiving oral sex.

Perfect for those tight corners.


I use the top of her head to rest my beer on.
 
2013-04-21 03:55:43 AM  

CigaretteSmokingMan: phlegmmo: Don't treat his or her head like a steering wheel when you're receiving oral sex.

Perfect for those tight corners.

I use the top of her head to rest my beer on.


But keep your hands at 10 and 2.
 
2013-04-21 07:20:50 AM  
TFA writer. And she's into anal, guys!

www.nypost.com
 
2013-04-21 08:15:41 AM  

abhorrent1: TFA writer. And she's into anal, guys!

[www.nypost.com image 350x600]


If looks are all you use to judge a sex partner, you're missing out on some great shiat, dude.
 
2013-04-21 09:45:40 AM  

abhorrent1: TFA writer. And she's into anal, guys!

[www.nypost.com image 350x600]



Only 34 to go!
 
2013-04-21 03:08:06 PM  

teenage mutant ninja rapist: The_Sponge: Fast Thick Pants: All in all, I think this is a pretty good list.

/By the way, since we're on the topic, I'd like everyone to know that I had sex today, and that I'm pretty happy about it.


Well hello Mr. Fancy Pants.

/My last time was two weeks ago.

Im slumping hardcore. Havent been laid since the beginning february. Its just so much easier to sit at home watching porno than to actually deal with a woman


I initially chuckled, but then I noticed your name is teenage mutant ninja rapist, and it occurred to me why you might find women difficult to deal with.

/i keed
 
2013-04-21 03:29:18 PM  
Why is 6 on the list? Really, unless you are gasping for air at some point while providing oral gratification, (on or with any combo of genders), YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG.
 
2013-04-21 03:35:02 PM  

911Jenny: Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: 911Jenny: Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: teenage mutant ninja rapist: The_Sponge: Fast Thick Pants: All in all, I think this is a pretty good list.

/By the way, since we're on the topic, I'd like everyone to know that I had sex today, and that I'm pretty happy about it.


Well hello Mr. Fancy Pants.

/My last time was two weeks ago.

Im slumping hardcore. Havent been laid since the beginning february. Its just so much easier to sit at home watching porno than to actually deal with a woman

Same here. I'm in the horrible situation where I'm still living with me ex until we can afford to get our own places, and my "friend with benefits" who had her own ace started dating some guy.

I haven't been laid in like 6 weeks. I'll think about going out sometimes, but I usually just whack off an watch a movie instead.

4 months.....4 long, lonely...so lonely....months.

Doesn't count. You're a chick, you can go to any bar on any night and find a decent looking guy to take home and bang. Any dry spells for you are self-imposed.

Damn me and my standards and what not.


DJatToD is usually so wrong it hurts. But if yr griping about not getting laid, yr gonna lose me at 'standards'. Griping about not having a fulfilling sex life, or relationship, or lover, sure. But straight up laid? The ladies got the ace in the hole until prostitution is legalized.
 
2013-04-21 03:56:32 PM  

Super Chronic: Fark It: 11.  Teeth/assuming a guy wants you to play with his balls

Agreed.  I've always preferred them to leave the nutsack alone.  Same goes for nipples.


Belly button.  Definite no fly zone.
 
2013-04-21 04:19:43 PM  

idsfa: Super Chronic: Fark It: 11.  Teeth/assuming a guy wants you to play with his balls

Agreed.  I've always preferred them to leave the nutsack alone.  Same goes for nipples.

Belly button.  Definite no fly zone.


You guys sound like shiatty lovers. Either like it and do it, don't mind it and accept it, or don't like it but learn to deal with it.

If you can't do that for your partner, you should move on.
 
2013-04-21 05:53:36 PM  

abhorrent1: TFA writer. And she's into anal, guys!

[www.nypost.com image 350x600]


Why is it that these articles are always written by some unfarkable lard-ass?
 
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