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(SFGate)   Ten things not to do in the bedroom - if you're ever able to talk someone else into joining you there (Article not safe for prudes)   (dating.sfgate.com) divider line 102
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23008 clicks; posted to Main » on 20 Apr 2013 at 2:59 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-04-20 12:17:06 PM  
Don't treat his or her head like a steering wheel when you're receiving oral sex.

Perfect for those tight corners.
 
2013-04-20 12:57:15 PM  
"Don't try to slip it in the backdoor without warning. And then pretend it was totally an accident. We all know better."

Bears repeating. Better to ask.
 
2013-04-20 12:59:54 PM  
5. "I'm sorry, I was thought it was an all access pass."
 
2013-04-20 01:24:31 PM  
11.  Teeth/assuming a guy wants you to play with his balls
 
2013-04-20 01:25:33 PM  
Everyone loves sexy talk, but there are some thoughts that you should keep to yourself, no matter how relevant they may seem at the time.   Here are a few phrases that you should avoid in the bedroom if you don't want to spoil the mood:
"Does this look infected to you?"
"You remind me of my uncle."
"Forgive me, O Lord, for this disgusting sin that I am about to commit."
"You remind me of my gym teacher."
"Y'know what I haven't had in a long time?  Vienna sausages!"
"This reminds me, I need to schedule an appointment with my proctologist."
"You're much better at this than your mom!"
"You're not quite as good at this as your dad."
"Do you ever feel...'not so fresh'?"
"You had egg salad for lunch, didn't you?"

Avoid those phrases and you should be OK.
 
2013-04-20 01:28:50 PM  

FloydA: Everyone loves sexy talk, but there are some thoughts that you should keep to yourself, no matter how relevant they may seem at the time.   Here are a few phrases that you should avoid in the bedroom if you don't want to spoil the mood:
"Does this look infected to you?"
"You remind me of my uncle."
"Forgive me, O Lord, for this disgusting sin that I am about to commit."
"You remind me of my gym teacher."
"Y'know what I haven't had in a long time?  Vienna sausages!"
"This reminds me, I need to schedule an appointment with my proctologist."
"You're much better at this than your mom!"
"You're not quite as good at this as your dad."
"Do you ever feel...'not so fresh'?"
"You had egg salad for lunch, didn't you?"

Avoid those phrases and you should be OK.


Happy birthday, Grandma!
 
2013-04-20 02:11:54 PM  
12) Tell her that her sister was better.

13) Have your friends jump out of the closet and yell out "RODEO!"

14) Give her an "angry pirate"....unless she's into that, and 99.999999% of women are not.
 
2013-04-20 02:14:31 PM  

The_Sponge: 14) Give her an "angry pirate"....unless she's into that, and 99.999999% of women are not.


Or anything that has a definition on Urban Dictionary
 
2013-04-20 02:17:18 PM  

Donnchadha: The_Sponge: 14) Give her an "angry pirate"....unless she's into that, and 99.999999% of women are not.

Or anything that has a definition on Urban Dictionary



I wonder if there is a term for when a guy farts while he's going down on a girl.

/Did it once with my ex.
//She laughed.
 
2013-04-20 02:21:11 PM  
FTFA:

1. Don't let the dog/cat sit next to you on the bed and watch you get it on. Yes, he's a soft, adorable fluff ball, and you totally want to give him hugs. But it's just creepy to suddenly look over and see an animal staring at you intensely while kneading the bed sheets with his claws.*


CSB:

I once had a girl's cat jump on my chest while she was giving me a beej.
 
2013-04-20 02:35:31 PM  

The_Sponge: FTFA:

1. Don't let the dog/cat sit next to you on the bed and watch you get it on. Yes, he's a soft, adorable fluff ball, and you totally want to give him hugs. But it's just creepy to suddenly look over and see an animal staring at you intensely while kneading the bed sheets with his claws.*


CSB:

I once had a girl's cat jump on my chest while she was giving me a beej.


That's a lot of pussy for just one man.
 
2013-04-20 02:50:53 PM  
'Talk', subby? Talk is for wimps. Chloroform is what real men use.


/Or begging.
 
2013-04-20 03:03:52 PM  
Donkey punches are also frowned upon
 
2013-04-20 03:05:21 PM  
"Don't be critical"

I've had to tell women "No teeth!"  More than once.  Sometimes you gotta speak up if they're doing it wrong.
 
2013-04-20 03:05:43 PM  
11. Reenacting any scene from "Explosive Diarrhea Gang-Bang #12".
 
2013-04-20 03:05:56 PM  

Fark It: 11.  Teeth/assuming a guy wants you to play with his balls


Agreed.  I've always preferred them to leave the nutsack alone.  Same goes for nipples.
 
2013-04-20 03:06:15 PM  
So where does the "Rusty Venture" figure in to this?
 
2013-04-20 03:06:52 PM  
sorry honey that I rammed my rock hard dick onto your ass hole, but I went for a slightly long stroke during the higher speed shafting and popped out.

/like running into a tree.
 
2013-04-20 03:07:14 PM  
www.postcity.com
 
2013-04-20 03:07:48 PM  

The_Sponge: FTFA:

1. Don't let the dog/cat sit next to you on the bed and watch you get it on. Yes, he's a soft, adorable fluff ball, and you totally want to give him hugs. But it's just creepy to suddenly look over and see an animal staring at you intensely while kneading the bed sheets with his claws.*


CSB:

I once had a girl's cat jump on my chest while she was giving me a beej.


My wife and I used to let the dog stay in the room, we figured no big deal, until this one time when I felt a cold nose on my ass.  An UNIA, you might say.
 
2013-04-20 03:08:26 PM  
Don't let the dog/cat sit next to you on the bed and watch you get it on.

I once did the deed with a girl while her puppy was present, and he thought I was attacking her and kept biting my skull.
 
2013-04-20 03:08:39 PM  

Super Chronic: The_Sponge: FTFA:

1. Don't let the dog/cat sit next to you on the bed and watch you get it on. Yes, he's a soft, adorable fluff ball, and you totally want to give him hugs. But it's just creepy to suddenly look over and see an animal staring at you intensely while kneading the bed sheets with his claws.*


CSB:

I once had a girl's cat jump on my chest while she was giving me a beej.

My wife and I used to let the dog stay in the room, we figured no big deal, until this one time when I felt a cold nose on my ass.  An UNIA, you might say.


He was just trying to get to know you.
 
2013-04-20 03:09:36 PM  

The_Sponge: 12) Tell her that her sister was better.

13) Have your friends jump out of the closet and yell out "RODEO!"

14) Give her an "angry pirate"....unless she's into that, and 99.999999% of women are not.


I've done #12 though instead I just said her sister's name instead of hers ... she froze and it took a few minutes to convince her it was a joke (which it was)
 
2013-04-20 03:09:42 PM  

The_Sponge: CSB:

I once had a girl's cat jump on my chest while she was giving me a beej.


Relevant gif (SFW).
 
2013-04-20 03:11:20 PM  
Don't let the dog/cat sit next to you on the bed and watch you get it on. Yes, he's a soft, adorable fluff ball, and you totally want to give him hugs. But it's just creepy to suddenly look over and see an animal staring at you intensely while kneading the bed sheets with his claws.*

If the animal isn't likely to walk over and interrupt you or blurt out your funny sounds at a dinner party why?  You watch them have sex, why can't they see you in your animal moments?

/May not apply to cockatoos, dogs or cats.
 
2013-04-20 03:13:40 PM  
5.  We had been drinking, it fell out, I thought I was putting back in.

You never saw a girl turn around so fast.


/ ruined my last condom . . . and the evening.
 
2013-04-20 03:13:46 PM  

Peepeye: "Don't try to slip it in the backdoor without warning. And then pretend it was totally an accident. We all know better."

Bears repeating. Better to ask.


I thought it was better to ask for forgiveness than permission.
 
2013-04-20 03:15:18 PM  

sforce: The_Sponge: 12) Tell her that her sister was better.

13) Have your friends jump out of the closet and yell out "RODEO!"

14) Give her an "angry pirate"....unless she's into that, and 99.999999% of women are not.

I've done #12 though instead I just said her sister's name instead of hers ... she froze and it took a few minutes to convince her it was a joke (which it was)


I too did #12. My wife has a great sense of humor...she asked me,"Which one?"
 
2013-04-20 03:16:44 PM  
Don't let the dog/cat sit next to you on the bed and watch you get it on. Yes, he's a soft, adorable fluff ball, and you totally want to give him hugs. But it's just creepy to suddenly look over and see an animal staring at you intensely while kneading the bed sheets with his claws.*

Or when the cat understands that there's affection going on and he wants some.  When she's afraid of cats.
 
2013-04-20 03:17:43 PM  

Cyno01: Peepeye: "Don't try to slip it in the backdoor without warning. And then pretend it was totally an accident. We all know better."

Bears repeating. Better to ask.

I thought it was better to ask for forgiveness than permission.


Particularly if you know the answer would be 'no'. Just go for it!
 
2013-04-20 03:18:08 PM  
#3 leads me to believe that the author, despite being married, has no kids, otherwise she'd understand that you normally have a small amount of "alone" time and you don't want to blow it all taking about laundry and what happened at work so you have to multitask.
 
2013-04-20 03:23:10 PM  
The kind of people that need to read these lists are not going to be helped by these lists.
 
2013-04-20 03:26:22 PM  
Our previous cat was never around when we started and then when it was over, there was the cat, sitting there with a smug, squinty look on her face.
 
2013-04-20 03:30:33 PM  

The_Sponge: FTFA:

1. Don't let the dog/cat sit next to you on the bed and watch you get it on. Yes, he's a soft, adorable fluff ball, and you totally want to give him hugs. But it's just creepy to suddenly look over and see an animal staring at you intensely while kneading the bed sheets with his claws.*


CSB:

I once had a girl's cat jump on my chest while she was giving me a beej.


Well, your hands were free, you should have been using them to pet the cat, of course.

The door in the master bath back at home doesn't stay closed all that well, so the cat will push it open and demand attention when you're on the john. She knows exactly what's going on in there, but damn it, you could be using that time productively by rubbing her while you're at it.
 
2013-04-20 03:38:03 PM  
But.....it's Caturday.
 
2013-04-20 03:44:44 PM  

cptjeff: The_Sponge: FTFA:

1. Don't let the dog/cat sit next to you on the bed and watch you get it on. Yes, he's a soft, adorable fluff ball, and you totally want to give him hugs. But it's just creepy to suddenly look over and see an animal staring at you intensely while kneading the bed sheets with his claws.*


CSB:

I once had a girl's cat jump on my chest while she was giving me a beej.

Well, your hands were free, you should have been using them to pet the cat, of course.

The door in the master bath back at home doesn't stay closed all that well, so the cat will push it open and demand attention when you're on the john. She knows exactly what's going on in there, but damn it, you could be using that time productively by rubbing her while you're at it.


Absolutely. If your pants are around your ankles, you might as well be rubbing some pussy
 
2013-04-20 03:50:14 PM  

dennysgod: #3 leads me to believe that the author, despite being married, has no kids, otherwise she'd understand that you normally have a small amount of "alone" time and you don't want to blow it all taking about laundry and what happened at work so you have to multitask.


If people with kids had any intention of continuing to have good sex, they wouldn't have had kids.
 
2013-04-20 03:52:51 PM  
Regarding #5... saying that the snake has one eye is just a figure of speech, we can't actually see out of it. Sometimes an accident is really just an accident.
 
2013-04-20 04:01:08 PM  
#5 is how I found out my wife WAS into it.
 
2013-04-20 04:03:42 PM  

Peepeye: "Don't try to slip it in the backdoor without warning. And then pretend it was totally an accident. We all know better."

Bears repeating. Better to ask.


Also known as a "Southern trespass".
 
2013-04-20 04:09:38 PM  
If we kicked the cat out of the room at sexytime, she would keep meowing and scratching , which would bring an offspring inquiry. We prefer not to gave a big meowing sign when we're having fun, so she just gets pushed aside. After the first couple of times she got that she was not getting petted just then.
 
2013-04-20 04:11:07 PM  

The_Sponge: 14) Give her an "angry pirate"....unless she's into that, and 99.999999% of women are not.


Let's see . . . about 7,080,075,000 people on the earth, .4975 of which are female, so about 3,522,248,367 women . . . 0.99999999 are a no go, so that leaves about 35 who are.

Gentlemen, we have a mission . . . find these 35 women!
 
2013-04-20 04:15:46 PM  
I guess nobody mentioned "farting during oral" because there's not much you can do to prevent it.

/she laughed & said her nose was so numb from coke she couldn't smell anything, so that turned out all right
 
2013-04-20 04:17:35 PM  
UFIA.
 
2013-04-20 04:20:41 PM  

Donnchadha: The_Sponge: 14) Give her an "angry pirate"....unless she's into that, and 99.999999% of women are not.

Or anything that has a definition on Urban Dictionary


Nah, my ex wife used to occasionally give me a variation of the rusty trombone. One hand jerking, one playing with the balls whilst tongue punching my fartbox. It's really quite exquisite.
 
2013-04-20 04:21:20 PM  

Dingleberry Dickwad: Donnchadha: The_Sponge: 14) Give her an "angry pirate"....unless she's into that, and 99.999999% of women are not.

Or anything that has a definition on Urban Dictionary

Nah, my ex wife used to occasionally give me a variation of the rusty trombone. One hand jerking, one playing with the balls whilst tongue punching my fartbox. It's really quite exquisite.


Dammit forgot to link rusty trombone.
 
2013-04-20 04:23:50 PM  
s22.postimg.org

Oh, and she's only on volume 1. 49 more to go.
 
2013-04-20 04:25:25 PM  
Damn East German cat kept scoring me low.
 
2013-04-20 04:26:05 PM  
11) Don't take sex tips from "Top Ten Lists"!
 
2013-04-20 04:29:12 PM  
24.media.tumblr.com
Found this one out the HARD way.

/There was a ceiling fan...
//And for a few mintues I was literally well hung.
 
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