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(Happy Place)   The next time you're being interviewed on TV about the Boston bombers, make sure you hide your giant pink dildo, mmmkay?   (happyplace.com ) divider line
    More: Fail, Boston  
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40549 clicks; posted to Main » on 19 Apr 2013 at 3:34 PM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



136 Comments     (+0 »)
 
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2013-04-19 01:37:36 PM  
"giant?" looks small to me.
 
2013-04-19 01:54:38 PM  
Nonsense, subby.  If I found out the BBC wanted to interview me in my own home, I'd spend hours "decorating" the place with all sorts of easter eggs for the interwebs to find.  He probably raced out and bought that just for the interview.
 
2013-04-19 02:01:38 PM  
It was a navy seal hiding in the background
 
2013-04-19 02:05:25 PM  
YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!
 
2013-04-19 02:06:25 PM  
Is that anything like "hide the wienie"?
 
2013-04-19 02:07:22 PM  
i think it was intentional.  a subtle commentary if you will.
 
2013-04-19 02:12:24 PM  

FloydA: Nonsense, subby.  If I found out the BBC wanted to interview me in my own home, I'd spend hours "decorating" the place with all sorts of easter eggs for the interwebs to find.  He probably raced out and bought that just for the interview.


What is Fark handle? He deserves a year of TF.
 
2013-04-19 02:13:31 PM  
There are two parents somewhere in America who are just mortified right now.
 
2013-04-19 02:15:02 PM  
They hate us because of our free dongs.
 
2013-04-19 02:26:10 PM  

FloydA: Nonsense, subby.  If I found out the BBC wanted to interview me in my own home, I'd spend hours "decorating" the place with all sorts of easter eggs for the interwebs to find.  He probably raced out and bought that just for the interview.


"citizen, please clear the streets.  There's a dangerous madman on the loose."
"but I've gotta buy a dildo right now"
"oh, carry on then"
 
2013-04-19 02:27:27 PM  
Also, I never post screenshots of web pages without "accidentally" having some incriminating tabs open.  Nobody at work has called me out on it yet.  One such screenshot even made its way to a customer.
 
2013-04-19 02:28:24 PM  

ecmoRandomNumbers: There are two parents somewhere in America who are just mortified right now.


LOL

"Billy, is there something you'd like to tell your dad and me?"
 
2013-04-19 02:40:28 PM  

ecmoRandomNumbers: There are two parents somewhere in America who are just mortified right now.


Indeed.

He could have had a more manly colored dildo, like a nice steel blue, or black.

Or, it could have at least been pink with a brown colored head.
 
2013-04-19 02:42:13 PM  
serial_crusher:

"citizen, please clear the streets.  There's a dangerous madman on the loose."
"but I've gotta buy a dildo right now"
"oh, carry on then"



If you get pulled over, wave your hand and say "these aren't the dongs you're looking for" and the cops will wave you on.  Just like Ben-Wa Balls Kenobi.
 
2013-04-19 02:45:53 PM  
i6.photobucket.com
 
2013-04-19 02:56:49 PM  

brap: They hate us because of our free dongs.


new keyboard, plz.
 
2013-04-19 02:57:47 PM  

serial_crusher: Also, I never post screenshots of web pages without "accidentally" having some incriminating tabs open.  Nobody at work has called me out on it yet.  One such screenshot even made its way to a customer.


Don't leave us hanging man.
 
2013-04-19 03:11:48 PM  
Not my bag baby...
 
2013-04-19 03:21:51 PM  
i4.ytimg.com
 
2013-04-19 03:27:27 PM  
That's more of a dil don't!

/veal
 
2013-04-19 03:36:42 PM  
I don't want to live in that America.
 
2013-04-19 03:37:26 PM  
also counts as good advice for a skype session with your parents or granny.
 
2013-04-19 03:37:56 PM  

FlashHarry: "giant?" looks small to me.


Yeah, that's an entry level dildo
 
2013-04-19 03:39:11 PM  
That's the same color as my penis.  Whew, I am relieved.  I thought something was wrong for a second.
 
2013-04-19 03:40:23 PM  
As FNB alluded to, "a," not "your," subby.
 
2013-04-19 03:41:56 PM  

Altair: FlashHarry: "giant?" looks small to me.

Yeah, that's an entry level dildo


True. I bought an Ex a rubber hand. She was a bit of a freak though.
 
2013-04-19 03:42:10 PM  
It's too bad he didn't have a giant can of Crisco next to it.
 
2013-04-19 03:43:14 PM  
It's a milk bottle for his Cheerios.
nbcoutofbounds.files.wordpress.com
White liquids: The breakfast of champions.
 
2013-04-19 03:43:16 PM  
If only there was some place where he could have stuck it. You know, somewhere, where the sun doesn't shine.
 
2013-04-19 03:45:11 PM  
So where could he hide it while giving the interview?
 
2013-04-19 03:45:14 PM  
But then how else would I make the Fark homepage?!?
 
2013-04-19 03:45:16 PM  

youmightberight: Altair: FlashHarry: "giant?" looks small to me.

Yeah, that's an entry level dildo

True. I bought an Ex a rubber hand. She was a bit of a freak though.


Eventually, that handbaby is going to grow up to be a strapping handteen

i6.photobucket.com
 
2013-04-19 03:45:21 PM  

FARK rebel soldier: It's a milk bottle for his Cheerios.
[nbcoutofbounds.files.wordpress.com image 320x326]
White liquids: The breakfast of champions.


static.lulu.com
 
2013-04-19 03:45:23 PM  

brap: They hate us because of our free dongs.


FREE dongs? Did somebody get an Obamadong?
 
2013-04-19 03:45:30 PM  
img169.imageshack.us
 
2013-04-19 03:45:52 PM  

Brick-House: If only there was some place where he could have stuck it. You know, somewhere, where the sun doesn't shine.


Damn it, too slow again (and by two minutes)
 
2013-04-19 03:46:09 PM  
with red mspaint arrows, of course.
 
2013-04-19 03:46:58 PM  
In the late 90's I lived with 2 other guys in a house, one was in a long time relationship with a woman that was always over. One night I a girl came home with me and stayed the night so to speak.... next morning she woke up and went to the bathroom and found a strap on dildo on the floor that apparently the one roommate had left there.

She left shortly after that never to be seen again.
 
2013-04-19 03:47:28 PM  

Altair: FlashHarry: "giant?" looks small to me.

Yeah, that's an entry level dildo


Well, ideally, they are all entry-level. Isn't that the idea?
 
2013-04-19 03:48:53 PM  
I don't think that's a dildo. I don't know what it is, but that's an awfully strange place to keep your dildo.
 
2013-04-19 03:49:29 PM  

Canton: Altair: FlashHarry: "giant?" looks small to me.

Yeah, that's an entry level dildo

Well, ideally, they are all entry-level. Isn't that the idea?


*thatsthejoke.jpg*

;)
 
2013-04-19 03:50:55 PM  

FunkOut: It's too bad he didn't have a giant can of Crisco next to it.


Like this??? Super NSFW

and I wonder what he lost up there... Actually I really don't want to know.
 
2013-04-19 03:51:06 PM  

Altair: Canton: Altair: FlashHarry: "giant?" looks small to me.

Yeah, that's an entry level dildo

Well, ideally, they are all entry-level. Isn't that the idea?

*thatsthejoke.jpg*

;)


Ah. Touche.

/Up too late last night.
 
2013-04-19 03:51:10 PM  

FloydA: Nonsense, subby.  If I found out the BBC wanted to interview me in my own home, I'd spend hours "decorating" the place with all sorts of easter eggs for the interwebs to find.  He probably raced out and bought that just for the interview.


This^That^
 
2013-04-19 03:51:55 PM  
www.nobodygoeshere.com
 
2013-04-19 03:52:44 PM  

serial_crusher: Also, I never post screenshots of web pages without "accidentally" having some incriminating tabs open.  Nobody at work has called me out on it yet.  One such screenshot even made its way to a customer.


Who's awesome? You're awesome. Buy you a beer sometime.
 
2013-04-19 03:53:18 PM  

FirstNationalBastard: He could have had a more manly colored dildo, like a nice steel blue, or black.


Once you go pink, you never go back.
 
2013-04-19 03:53:58 PM  
lolheaven.com
 
2013-04-19 03:55:55 PM  

airsupport: That's the same color as my penis.  Whew, I am relieved.  I thought something was wrong for a second.


Yo, honky.
 
2013-04-19 03:57:58 PM  
www.destructoid.com
 
2013-04-19 04:01:21 PM  

Brick-House: FunkOut: It's too bad he didn't have a giant can of Crisco next to it.

Like this??? Super NSFW

and I wonder what he lost up there... Actually I really don't want to know.


Makes me miss rugbyjock's Photoshops.
 
2013-04-19 04:02:34 PM  
Ok, waiting for real estate ad with big black dildo on the toilet, and fat naked german guy selling teapot on eBay.
 
2013-04-19 04:02:37 PM  

theknuckler_33: I don't think that's a dildo. I don't know what it is, but that's an awfully strange place to keep your dildo.


You mean you don't keep it above your frig?
 
2013-04-19 04:03:00 PM  

Arkanaut: Did somebody get an Obamadong?


NSFW
 
2013-04-19 04:07:53 PM  

lizardbrain: airsupport: That's the same color as my penis.  Whew, I am relieved.  I thought something was wrong for a second.

Yo, honky.


Hi there!
 
2013-04-19 04:08:17 PM  

WhoopAssWayne: Arkanaut: Did somebody get an Obamadong?

NSFW


What does that even mean?
 
2013-04-19 04:08:52 PM  

skinink: [img169.imageshack.us image 850x680]


And now the whole world knows you play 'party poker'.

Hang. your. head. in. shame.
 
2013-04-19 04:11:03 PM  

uttertosh: skinink: [img169.imageshack.us image 850x680]

And now the whole world knows you play 'party poker'.

Hang. your. head. in. shame.


I'm fairly sure that the incriminating bit was the shemale vids folder, not Party Poker.
 
2013-04-19 04:11:36 PM  

WhoopAssWayne: Arkanaut: Did somebody get an Obamadong?

NSFW


Damn, the things you can find with a simple GIS... NSFW again
 
2013-04-19 04:12:43 PM  
i36.tinypic.com
 
2013-04-19 04:14:59 PM  

More_Like_A_Stain: uttertosh: skinink: [img169.imageshack.us image 850x680]

And now the whole world knows you play 'party poker'.

Hang. your. head. in. shame.

I'm fairly sure that the incriminating bit was the shemale vids folder, not Party Poker.


I bet the shemale vids folder is actually full of simpsons clips, thatsthejoke.avi among them
 
2013-04-19 04:16:19 PM  

More_Like_A_Stain: uttertosh: skinink: [img169.imageshack.us image 850x680]

And now the whole world knows you play 'party poker'.

Hang. your. head. in. shame.

I'm fairly sure that the incriminating bit was the shemale vids folder, not Party Poker.


That whooshing sound you just recently noted coming from above you? Hint: not a plane.
 
2013-04-19 04:17:12 PM  
My eye was more drawn to the crude picture of a pressure cooker on the fridge door...

Wouldn't that be ironic!

I'm hearing Chechnya now. Any insight on why someone from there might be doing this stuff, if it is a terrorist act, rather than an act of random violence?
 
2013-04-19 04:18:11 PM  
Always looking for a chance to bring out this classic...

i50.photobucket.com
 
nmx
2013-04-19 04:18:24 PM  
This made my day.
 
2013-04-19 04:20:47 PM  
1.bp.blogspot.com
 
2013-04-19 04:20:59 PM  

illannoyin: Always looking for a chance to bring out this classic...

[i50.photobucket.com image 544x387]


EWWWW GROSS! Pepsi.
 
2013-04-19 04:23:41 PM  
Someone should tell the FBI we just located a weapon of ass destruction.
 
2013-04-19 04:23:54 PM  

illannoyin: Always looking for a chance to bring out this classic...

[i50.photobucket.com image 544x387]


Is that a really big pepsi can or a really small bottle of anal lube?  Because that's not going to last you very long.
 
2013-04-19 04:32:06 PM  

serial_crusher: illannoyin: Always looking for a chance to bring out this classic...

[i50.photobucket.com image 544x387]

Is that a really big pepsi can or a really small bottle of anal lube?  Because that's not going to last you very long.


Meh, they're probably married; that'll probably last a life-time.
 
2013-04-19 04:34:38 PM  
No one's posted the Maplewood Drug Bust Dildo video yet?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-10DgWsSZNc
 
2013-04-19 04:34:42 PM  
Of course it is important to never imply ownership.  It's always a dildo; never your dildo.

/paraphrased
 
2013-04-19 04:37:03 PM  

brap: They hate us because of our free dongs.


Wait. You get yours for free? Where do you shop?
 
2013-04-19 04:37:41 PM  

FunkOut: Brick-House: FunkOut: It's too bad he didn't have a giant can of Crisco next to it.

Like this??? Super NSFW

and I wonder what he lost up there... Actually I really don't want to know.

Makes me miss rugbyjock's Photoshops.


What happened to him?
 
2013-04-19 04:40:44 PM  

Arkanaut: brap: They hate us because of our free dongs.

FREE dongs? Did somebody get an Obamadong?


Why yes. I did.

www.vh1.com
 
2013-04-19 04:41:21 PM  
I miss Heamer's battles between Photoshop and MS Paint.
 
2013-04-19 04:42:50 PM  
You guys are killing me with the comments, I have tears in my eyes from laughing. Such a relief from the nonstop forced intensity of CNN and the bickering in the manhunt threads. Thanks.
 
2013-04-19 04:43:24 PM  

FlashHarry: [i36.tinypic.com image 600x436]


i.imgur.com
 
2013-04-19 04:49:10 PM  
House shopping...
cache.gawkerassets.com
 
2013-04-19 04:51:55 PM  
icepriestess

Why yes. I did.

That would be the Congressional Black Caucus.
 
2013-04-19 05:00:21 PM  
Why?  It's not illegal to own a dildo, pink or otherwise irrespective of its size.

The cameraman should of spotted it whilst setting up.
 
2013-04-19 05:04:21 PM  

uttertosh: skinink: [img169.imageshack.us image 850x680]

And now the whole world knows you play 'party poker'.

Hang. your. head. in. shame.


Who cares about Party Poker? He plays World of Warcraft! (gasp!)
 
2013-04-19 05:05:29 PM  

Vaneshi: Why?  It's not illegal to own a dildo, pink or otherwise irrespective of its size.

The cameraman should of spotted it whilst setting up.


Yeah, and he should have spotted it, too.
 
2013-04-19 05:06:16 PM  

Brick-House: FunkOut: It's too bad he didn't have a giant can of Crisco next to it.

Like this??? Super NSFW

and I wonder what he lost up there... Actually I really don't want to know.


Ewwwww!!!
 
2013-04-19 05:09:11 PM  

ICDedPpl: House shopping...
[cache.gawkerassets.com image 850x478]


CSB: In my younger days we would go to open houses and leave dildos, condom wrappers, lube, etc at random locations. Favorites included stuffing  condom wrappers under the sheets of a bed, throwing (unwrapped) condoms in the toilet, and discretely placing a dildo in a display cabinet in the living room.
 
2013-04-19 05:11:11 PM  
After constant coverage all day long one of my local channels got bored repeating the same non-info and finally switched over to the normal programming. It was Judge Judy and the 30 seconds of that felt like more of a waste of time than my collective years on Fark.
 
2013-04-19 05:13:31 PM  

louiedog: After constant coverage all day long one of my local channels got bored repeating the same non-info and finally switched over to the normal programming. It was Judge Judy and the 30 seconds of that felt like more of a waste of time than my collective years on Fark.


I saw on the onscreen guide that today's Judge Judy was about two brothers, and I laughed.
 
2013-04-19 05:20:37 PM  
Why, you prude?  Mind your farking business.
 
2013-04-19 05:30:35 PM  

Matthew Keene: [static.lulu.com image 403x320]


I give up, you win the disgusting war.
 
2013-04-19 05:37:36 PM  

ICDedPpl: House shopping...


LoL - classic!
 
2013-04-19 05:40:31 PM  
BBC, meet BPC
 
2013-04-19 05:49:49 PM  

Vaneshi: Why?  It's not illegal to own a dildo, pink or otherwise irrespective of its size.

The cameraman should of spotted it whilst setting up.


It's not illegal to be discreet. It is illegal to make really stupid grammar mistakes.
 
2013-04-19 05:50:25 PM  
You farkers are SO slipping.

You got the 'Fight Club Dildo Reference #1', and completely missed the better one. Helena Carter..."Its not a threat"

NSFW Link1
NSFW Link2

For shame.
 
2013-04-19 05:50:31 PM  

serial_crusher: FloydA: Nonsense, subby.  If I found out the BBC wanted to interview me in my own home, I'd spend hours "decorating" the place with all sorts of easter eggs for the interwebs to find.  He probably raced out and bought that just for the interview.

"citizen, please clear the streets.  There's a dangerous madman on the loose."
"but I've gotta buy a dildo right now"
"oh, carry on then"


There should be a waiting period and background check for those things.
 
2013-04-19 05:56:46 PM  

FunkOut: Brick-House: FunkOut: It's too bad he didn't have a giant can of Crisco next to it.

Like this??? Super NSFW

and I wonder what he lost up there... Actually I really don't want to know.

Makes me miss rugbyjock's Photoshops.


That makes one of us.
 
2013-04-19 05:59:32 PM  

Tyrosine: In my younger days we would go to open houses and leave dildos


That must of, eventually, become rather expensive.
 
2013-04-19 06:01:27 PM  
sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net
 
2013-04-19 06:11:04 PM  

serial_crusher: Also, I never post screenshots of web pages without "accidentally" having some incriminating tabs open.  Nobody at work has called me out on it yet.  One such screenshot even made its way to a customer.


you I would seriously consider hiring for the LOLZ, but would then wisely think better of it.
 
2013-04-19 06:20:54 PM  
It's not a dildo people, don't you see the straw coming out of the top. My wife got one at her stagette, and her friends made her drink out of it all night.
 
2013-04-19 06:27:21 PM  

shootsright: theknuckler_33: I don't think that's a dildo. I don't know what it is, but that's an awfully strange place to keep your dildo.

You mean you don't keep it above your frig?


Well, let's put it this way, the times I find it above the frig are immediately followed by exclaiming "WTF happened last night!?!"

Uh... I meant that's what someone should say if they find THEIR dildo above the frig.

/not MY dildo
//*looks around aimlessly while whistling*
 
2013-04-19 06:27:42 PM  

Tyrosine: ICDedPpl: House shopping...
[cache.gawkerassets.com image 850x478]

CSB: In my younger days we would go to open houses and leave dildos, condom wrappers, lube, etc at random locations. Favorites included stuffing  condom wrappers under the sheets of a bed, throwing (unwrapped) condoms in the toilet, and discretely placing a dildo in a display cabinet in the living room.


I wanna party with you cowboy.
 
2013-04-19 06:31:26 PM  

swaniefrmreddeer: It's not a dildo people, don't you see the straw coming out of the top. My wife got one at her stagette, and her friends made her drink out of it all night.


And what do you think she does with it now when you aren't around.

/yea, she still has it!
 
2013-04-19 06:33:43 PM  
Here's my complaint:

A phallic sex toy is called a dildo. It's a simple, easy, general word to describe a specific class of object. When you say "Get the dildo" your partner will know what you're talking about, and somehow it just sounds better than "Get the fake dick" or "Get the rubber dong" or anything of that sort. "Dildo" is a great word that means "penis-shaped sex toy for vaginal or anal penetration".

However, a sex toy designed to simulate a vagina/vuvla has no simple name. There's a brand-name or several out there, such as Fleshlight, but no general word to describe that class of object. Most descriptions are of the "pocket pussy", "masturbatory sleeve", or "fake vagina" sort. There's no single word to describe such a sex toy. There is no opposite-gender version of "dildo".

And then, to further kick us when we're down, women and gay men have another single-word description for their sex toys that is even more discreet: "Vibrator". Sure, they focus on clitoral stimulation as opposed to penetration, but let's face it: They make them phallic-shaped for a reason.

...And if they want to get really vague, they can say "massager".

But straight guys? If we need to refer to a sex toy, there's no way to say it without it requiring at least a couple words, and we're stuck being much more blatant about it.

We need a single non-descriptive word to describe ALL sex toys modeled after the female genitalia; One that doesn't come out and say "vagina", "vulva", or "pussy" (or any other slang terms for it, either). A simple, clean word that says, "Soft, vagina-like sleeve with optional molded vulva designed for male masturbation".

As a writer, these things concern me. It would be easier to write lusty stories if I had a single word to refer to straight men's sex toys. As yet, I'm unaware of a single word to accurately and specifically describe these vagina-like toys.

/Honestly, I don't know whether or not lesbians bother with pocket vaginas, so I excluded them here.
//But I know gay men have little need for such a sex toy.
///The pocket anus sex toy is another whole discussion, but equally valid.
 
2013-04-19 06:37:20 PM  

ZeroCorpse: Here's my complaint:

A phallic sex toy is called a dildo. It's a simple, easy, general word to describe a specific class of object. When you say "Get the dildo" your partner will know what you're talking about, and somehow it just sounds better than "Get the fake dick" or "Get the rubber dong" or anything of that sort. "Dildo" is a great word that means "penis-shaped sex toy for vaginal or anal penetration".

However, a sex toy designed to simulate a vagina/vuvla has no simple name. There's a brand-name or several out there, such as Fleshlight, but no general word to describe that class of object. Most descriptions are of the "pocket pussy", "masturbatory sleeve", or "fake vagina" sort. There's no single word to describe such a sex toy. There is no opposite-gender version of "dildo".

And then, to further kick us when we're down, women and gay men have another single-word description for their sex toys that is even more discreet: "Vibrator". Sure, they focus on clitoral stimulation as opposed to penetration, but let's face it: They make them phallic-shaped for a reason.

...And if they want to get really vague, they can say "massager".

But straight guys? If we need to refer to a sex toy, there's no way to say it without it requiring at least a couple words, and we're stuck being much more blatant about it.

We need a single non-descriptive word to describe ALL sex toys modeled after the female genitalia; One that doesn't come out and say "vagina", "vulva", or "pussy" (or any other slang terms for it, either). A simple, clean word that says, "Soft, vagina-like sleeve with optional molded vulva designed for male masturbation".

As a writer, these things concern me. It would be easier to write lusty stories if I had a single word to refer to straight men's sex toys. As yet, I'm unaware of a single word to accurately and specifically describe these vagina-like toys.

/Honestly, I don't know whether or not lesbians bother with pocket vaginas, so I excluded them here.
/ ...


What about "Funt"?
 
2013-04-19 06:40:32 PM  

ZeroCorpse: There is no opposite-gender version of "dildo".


Pocket Pussy.
 
2013-04-19 06:41:42 PM  

ZeroCorpse: But straight guys? If we need to refer to a sex toy, there's no way to say it without it requiring at least a couple words, and we're stuck being much more blatant about it.


This is just me thinking it through, but if you are buying such a product, I'm not real sure you are going into the sex-toy store feeling demure about asking for what you need. In fact, I'm not real sure you're going to need to ask where to find them at all unless you are in the CostCo of sex toys. I mean, I don't think the folks who fill out inventory orders for Fleshlights or other vagina simulators are offended or embarrassed by the naming of those product.

If you are talking about referring to these things in the intimate setting of the bedroom with your partner of choice, I'd imagine talk of using such things preceded the actual act of doing so, so the ice, so-to-speak, would have already been broken, so what's the big deal having to refer to a specific product name vs. some generic term.

At any rate, I dated a wild chick once who told me to get the dildo and I had no other choice but to ask "which one?".
 
2013-04-19 06:42:09 PM  

FirstNationalBastard: ZeroCorpse: Here's my complaint:

A phallic sex toy is called a dildo. It's a simple, easy, general word to describe a specific class of object. When you say "Get the dildo" your partner will know what you're talking about, and somehow it just sounds better than "Get the fake dick" or "Get the rubber dong" or anything of that sort. "Dildo" is a great word that means "penis-shaped sex toy for vaginal or anal penetration".

However, a sex toy designed to simulate a vagina/vuvla has no simple name. There's a brand-name or several out there, such as Fleshlight, but no general word to describe that class of object. Most descriptions are of the "pocket pussy", "masturbatory sleeve", or "fake vagina" sort. There's no single word to describe such a sex toy. There is no opposite-gender version of "dildo".

And then, to further kick us when we're down, women and gay men have another single-word description for their sex toys that is even more discreet: "Vibrator". Sure, they focus on clitoral stimulation as opposed to penetration, but let's face it: They make them phallic-shaped for a reason.

...And if they want to get really vague, they can say "massager".

But straight guys? If we need to refer to a sex toy, there's no way to say it without it requiring at least a couple words, and we're stuck being much more blatant about it.

We need a single non-descriptive word to describe ALL sex toys modeled after the female genitalia; One that doesn't come out and say "vagina", "vulva", or "pussy" (or any other slang terms for it, either). A simple, clean word that says, "Soft, vagina-like sleeve with optional molded vulva designed for male masturbation".

As a writer, these things concern me. It would be easier to write lusty stories if I had a single word to refer to straight men's sex toys. As yet, I'm unaware of a single word to accurately and specifically describe these vagina-like toys.

/Honestly, I don't know whether or not lesbians bother with pocket vaginas, so I excluded ...


Punt. Pocket coont.
 
2013-04-19 06:42:40 PM  

FirstNationalBastard: What about "Funt"?


That just sounds like a fake anus...
 
2013-04-19 06:47:46 PM  

theknuckler_33: ZeroCorpse: But straight guys? If we need to refer to a sex toy, there's no way to say it without it requiring at least a couple words, and we're stuck being much more blatant about it.

This is just me thinking it through, but if you are buying such a product, I'm not real sure you are going into the sex-toy store feeling demure about asking for what you need. In fact, I'm not real sure you're going to need to ask where to find them at all unless you are in the CostCo of sex toys. I mean, I don't think the folks who fill out inventory orders for Fleshlights or other vagina simulators are offended or embarrassed by the naming of those product.

If you are talking about referring to these things in the intimate setting of the bedroom with your partner of choice, I'd imagine talk of using such things preceded the actual act of doing so, so the ice, so-to-speak, would have already been broken, so what's the big deal having to refer to a specific product name vs. some generic term.

At any rate, I dated a wild chick once who told me to get the dildo and I had no other choice but to ask "which one?".


All of them
 
2013-04-19 06:47:53 PM  

ZeroCorpse: Here's my complaint:

A phallic sex toy is called a dildo. It's a simple, easy, general word to describe a specific class of object. When you say "Get the dildo" your partner will know what you're talking about, and somehow it just sounds better than "Get the fake dick" or "Get the rubber dong" or anything of that sort. "Dildo" is a great word that means "penis-shaped sex toy for vaginal or anal penetration".

However, a sex toy designed to simulate a vagina/vuvla has no simple name. There's a brand-name or several out there, such as Fleshlight, but no general word to describe that class of object. Most descriptions are of the "pocket pussy", "masturbatory sleeve", or "fake vagina" sort. There's no single word to describe such a sex toy. There is no opposite-gender version of "dildo".

And then, to further kick us when we're down, women and gay men have another single-word description for their sex toys that is even more discreet: "Vibrator". Sure, they focus on clitoral stimulation as opposed to penetration, but let's face it: They make them phallic-shaped for a reason.

...And if they want to get really vague, they can say "massager".

But straight guys? If we need to refer to a sex toy, there's no way to say it without it requiring at least a couple words, and we're stuck being much more blatant about it.

We need a single non-descriptive word to describe ALL sex toys modeled after the female genitalia; One that doesn't come out and say "vagina", "vulva", or "pussy" (or any other slang terms for it, either). A simple, clean word that says, "Soft, vagina-like sleeve with optional molded vulva designed for male masturbation".

As a writer, these things concern me. It would be easier to write lusty stories if I had a single word to refer to straight men's sex toys. As yet, I'm unaware of a single word to accurately and specifically describe these vagina-like toys.

/Honestly, I don't know whether or not lesbians bother with pocket vaginas, so I excluded them here.
/ ...


"Fleshlight" has kinda become an all-encompassing term for the male masturbators. Pocket pussies. Whatever you wanna call them. At least at the shop I worked at. Nothing cracks us up more than embarrassed people in a sex shop.

/no, I will not whisper to you, ma'am
//no, I can't read your mind about what you want to see, so gesturing vaguely and glaring at me doesn't really help
 
2013-04-19 06:54:07 PM  

Torgo_of_Manos: Tyrosine: In my younger days we would go to open houses and leave dildos

That must of, eventually, become rather expensive.


In university I had a part time job as a superintendent at a condo. In addition to the condo stuff we had about 20 rental units to look after. When people moved out they'd often abandon stuff. and once or twice a year we'd find a dildo (once we found a whole bag of dildos - all purple gel ones of various sizes).

/The dildos were useful for two reasons (besides that for which they were manufactured): 1) Ruining the day of real estate agents (as described above) and 2) People who abandoned stuff generally owed money, so we'd file a small claims court action against them and include photos of all their stuff, dildos included, in our filings. Most folks settled rather than go to court.
 
2013-04-19 06:54:35 PM  

khyberkitsune: ZeroCorpse: There is no opposite-gender version of "dildo".

Pocket Pussy.


Yeah... I covered that. It's not ideal. It's not a single word. It's too descriptive.

We're looking for a single word that's as concise and specific as "dildo", and it just doesn't exist yet.
 
2013-04-19 06:57:30 PM  

FlashHarry: "giant?" looks small to me.


it's only 5 inches.  i'm BIGGER!!
 
2013-04-19 07:04:16 PM  

ZeroCorpse: khyberkitsune: ZeroCorpse: There is no opposite-gender version of "dildo".

Pocket Pussy.

Yeah... I covered that. It's not ideal. It's not a single word. It's too descriptive.

We're looking for a single word that's as concise and specific as "dildo", and it just doesn't exist yet.


Pildo
 
2013-04-19 07:06:19 PM  

ZeroCorpse: khyberkitsune: ZeroCorpse: There is no opposite-gender version of "dildo".

Pocket Pussy.

Yeah... I covered that. It's not ideal. It's not a single word. It's too descriptive.

We're looking for a single word that's as concise and specific as "dildo", and it just doesn't exist yet.


"Pram" isn't used much anymore, would that do?
"Cramming in the pram" has a nice ring to it.
 
2013-04-19 07:06:50 PM  

noitsnot: theknuckler_33: At any rate, I dated a wild chick once who told me to get the dildo and I had no other choice but to ask "which one?".

All of them


I'm not sure how I would have reacted to that response. Maybe she wasn't as wild as I thought. ;)
 
2013-04-19 07:10:57 PM  

Thelyphthoric: ZeroCorpse: khyberkitsune: ZeroCorpse: There is no opposite-gender version of "dildo".

Pocket Pussy.

Yeah... I covered that. It's not ideal. It's not a single word. It's too descriptive.

We're looking for a single word that's as concise and specific as "dildo", and it just doesn't exist yet.

"Pram" isn't used much anymore, would that do?
"Cramming in the pram" has a nice ring to it.


I'm sorry, but that just makes me think of baby carriages*, and I'd rather not think of baby carriages when talking about male masturbation. I especially wouldn't want anyone to confuse my meaning if I said I wanted to "cram in the pram" or "stick it in the pram".

* "pram" is short for "perambulator", a type of large baby cart.
 
2013-04-19 07:20:12 PM  

ZeroCorpse: I'm sorry, but that just makes me think of baby carriages*, and I'd rather not think of baby carriages when talking about male masturbation. I especially wouldn't want anyone to confuse my meaning if I said I wanted to "cram in the pram" or "stick it in the pram".

* "pram" is short for "perambulator", a type of large baby cart.


True.  I had the "small non-pointy rowboat" version of the word in my head.
 
2013-04-19 07:38:59 PM  

Torgo_of_Manos: Tyrosine: In my younger days we would go to open houses and leave dildos

That must of, eventually, become rather expensive.


It doesn't cost anything if it's a made-up story.

(The dildos were SOLID GOLD..... no, really)
 
2013-04-19 07:53:31 PM  

serial_crusher: FloydA: Nonsense, subby.  If I found out the BBC wanted to interview me in my own home, I'd spend hours "decorating" the place with all sorts of easter eggs for the interwebs to find.  He probably raced out and bought that just for the interview.

"citizen, please clear the streets.  There's a dangerous madman on the loose."
"but I've gotta buy a dildo right now"
"oh, carry on then"


That would be my response, but that's proably why I'm not a cop.
 
2013-04-19 09:14:30 PM  

FlashHarry: "giant?" looks small to me.


You've taken a lot larger, eh?
 
2013-04-19 09:14:58 PM  

Magnus: serial_crusher: Also, I never post screenshots of web pages without "accidentally" having some incriminating tabs open.  Nobody at work has called me out on it yet.  One such screenshot even made its way to a customer.

you I would seriously consider hiring for the LOLZ, but would then wisely think better of it.


I should clarify a little bit.  I didn't send it directly to the customer.  I'm an engineer.  You want to keep me as far away from the customer as you can.  I want you to keep me as far away from the customer as you can.

But I put stuff like that in examples etc that I send to the customer facing guys to keep them from just forwarding my stuff on to the customers.  They need to understand what I'm telling them so they don't have to come to me next time they have the same question.

The one that made it to the customer was a screenshot of a product reviews page, where the product being reviewed was a "Hello Kitty Fleshlight" with some mildly suggestive text in the body of the review.  I think that one was subtle enough that the customer didn't catch it either.
 
2013-04-19 09:15:38 PM  

ZeroCorpse: Here's my complaint:

A phallic sex toy is called a dildo. It's a simple, easy, general word to describe a specific class of object. When you say "Get the dildo" your partner will know what you're talking about, and somehow it just sounds better than "Get the fake dick" or "Get the rubber dong" or anything of that sort. "Dildo" is a great word that means "penis-shaped sex toy for vaginal or anal penetration".

However, a sex toy designed to simulate a vagina/vuvla has no simple name. There's a brand-name or several out there, such as Fleshlight, but no general word to describe that class of object. Most descriptions are of the "pocket pussy", "masturbatory sleeve", or "fake vagina" sort. There's no single word to describe such a sex toy. There is no opposite-gender version of "dildo".

And then, to further kick us when we're down, women and gay men have another single-word description for their sex toys that is even more discreet: "Vibrator". Sure, they focus on clitoral stimulation as opposed to penetration, but let's face it: They make them phallic-shaped for a reason.

...And if they want to get really vague, they can say "massager".

But straight guys? If we need to refer to a sex toy, there's no way to say it without it requiring at least a couple words, and we're stuck being much more blatant about it.

We need a single non-descriptive word to describe ALL sex toys modeled after the female genitalia; One that doesn't come out and say "vagina", "vulva", or "pussy" (or any other slang terms for it, either). A simple, clean word that says, "Soft, vagina-like sleeve with optional molded vulva designed for male masturbation".

As a writer, these things concern me. It would be easier to write lusty stories if I had a single word to refer to straight men's sex toys. As yet, I'm unaware of a single word to accurately and specifically describe these vagina-like toys.

/Honestly, I don't know whether or not lesbians bother with pocket vaginas, so I excluded them here.
/ ...


What about "Fifi"?

Generally a prison term for a hand-made artificial vagina, but I see no reason it can't be the same as a pocket pussy.
 
2013-04-19 09:22:07 PM  

heywood-jablome: No one's posted the Maplewood Drug Bust Dildo video yet?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-10DgWsSZNc


Came here to post this.  Thanks for saving me the trouble.
 
2013-04-19 09:35:13 PM  

brap: They hate us because of our free dongs.


We have the right to bear dong?
 
2013-04-19 09:47:43 PM  

Skraeling: brap: They hate us because of our free dongs.

We have the right to bear dong?


You didn't come out here to hunt, did you?
 
2013-04-19 10:53:45 PM  

FirstNationalBastard: Or, it could have at least been pink with a brown colored head.


Not any more. He washed it.
 
2013-04-20 12:39:43 AM  

wambu: FlashHarry: [i36.tinypic.com image 600x436]

[i.imgur.com image 295x309]


Forget Afghanistan. When is the US going to pull out of Mexico?
 
2013-04-20 01:17:36 AM  
juddcc:
"BBC, meet BPC"

Was waiting for that one.
 
2013-04-20 01:21:23 AM  
ZeroCorpse
"/Honestly, I don't know whether or not lesbians bother with pocket vaginas, so I excluded them here."

I'm fairly certain that lesbians do not, in fact, bother with pocket vaginas.
 
2013-04-20 02:06:16 AM  

brap: They hate us because of our free dongs.


You win, my friend, take my internets!
 
2013-04-20 09:36:12 AM  

Tyrosine: ICDedPpl: House shopping...
[cache.gawkerassets.com image 850x478]

CSB: In my younger days we would go to open houses and leave dildos, condom wrappers, lube, etc at random locations. Favorites included stuffing  condom wrappers under the sheets of a bed, throwing (unwrapped) condoms in the toilet, and discretely placing a dildo in a display cabinet in the living room.


I like the cut of your jib.
 
2013-04-20 09:42:23 AM  

khyberkitsune: Punt. Pocket coont.


pussy-in-a-can
 
2013-04-20 11:48:19 AM  
First thing I thought of when I saw the headline.

Photo taken by me at the Atlanta show

i273.photobucket.com
 
2013-04-20 11:58:06 AM  
Hahaha.  Reminds me of a time a few years back at a weekly poker game when one of the players came in and said, "Which one of you assholes wrote 'buttplugs' on my shopping list?"  (He keeps a shopping list on a white board on the wall.)  Nobody remembered doing it at first then one guy said, "I remember writing something at the BBQ but that was a month or two back."  "It's been on there since the BBQ??? I have clients in my house!!!"  "They must think you go through a lot of buttplugs."

Also had a coworker much farther back who kept a vibrator similar to this on her desk.

www.mylilo.com
 
2013-04-20 06:10:32 PM  

icepriestess: Arkanaut: brap: They hate us because of our free dongs.

FREE dongs? Did somebody get an Obamadong?

Why yes. I did.

[www.vh1.com image 300x633]


That looks more like Jamie Foxx
 
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