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(The Onion)   This is a tragedy. Does it really matter just how many are dead or what any of the details are? --NY Post editor   (theonion.com) divider line 127
    More: Satire, body counts, Boston Marathon  
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11963 clicks; posted to Main » on 17 Apr 2013 at 12:10 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-04-17 03:12:47 AM

luxup: The Onion should do an in-depth investigation into the last time it was actually funny.

Never understood how it's lasted.


T-ball stand pitches perfect game at Special Olympics

That should be about your speed.
 
2013-04-17 03:18:59 AM

Lenny_da_Hog: fusillade762: Marcintosh: Lenny_da_Hog: I was recounting to some whippersnappers last night about how Walter Cronkite and CBS would have handled this story if it had happened in 1970 or so:

"Today in Boston, two bombs exploded at the finish line of the Boston Marathon, killing 3 and injuring dozens. [film rolls from helicopter flyover] A third bomb was found and safely detonated by explosives experts. There are currently no suspects and no group has claimed responsibility for the bombings. Authorities from several local, state, and federal agencies are investigating.

"In Phnom Penh today....."

Just tonight it dawned on me to watch PBS instead of one of the big three.  FAR less sensational and too the point.  Sick of the tear jerkin' crap they ALL seem to stoop to.  CBS was known for years as the station you turned to for solid info.  Now they need the advertising cash just like everyone else.

Caught a bit of Katie Kouric's show today (don't judge, my mom was watching it) and the maudlin, tear-jerking music they played before and after every break made me want to punch a puppy in the face.

Just once, I'd like to see a follow-up story that reported, "Victim's family says he was a self-centered ass who hated life."


I was somewhat pleased that people who knew the Virginia Tech shooter came forward to say that they weren't surprised in the least that he did it. There were multiple people who commented "when I heard the news I figured it was that Cho kid."

*not pleased about the shooting of course
Just happy to break the usual neighbor interview where everyone is surprised. I know multiple people that if they were accused of horrid deeds I would not be surprised, and would testify on TV that I knew they were capable of such actions, and throwing in more stuff I figured they would do if they hadn't been caught.
 
2013-04-17 03:31:09 AM
Radioactive Ass:
I was at home and doing other things as well. I usually have live TV\streaming movies\tv shows\whatever or radio or some MP3's playing as background noise anyway. This particular event caught my attention (more than others) for some reason. Not my normal MO.

To be fair, hearing about boston blowing up during a marathon isn't typically in anyones MO.

This planet is getting really weird. I think I am just going to keep drinking until everything feels normal again.
 
2013-04-17 03:46:35 AM
Congrats, USA - You're growing up.

Dealing with trauma by gaining a streak of dark and cheeky sense of humor is a sign of maturity.
 
2013-04-17 03:50:43 AM
That was the best Onion article I've ever read
 
2013-04-17 04:15:45 AM
Over 5k people die in traffic accidents daily. Weigh it. This was a non-event.
 
2013-04-17 04:19:17 AM
Sometimes I play the mental game, "What if We Had No 1st Amendment?" Somewhere on the list of potential changes I'd institute would be, No Looping Video of Destructive Event beyond three HOURS after said event occurred, and after that, only once at the top of each hour. For only one day.

Just an opinion. Carry on.
 
2013-04-17 04:22:43 AM

Jack9: Over 5k people die in traffic accidents daily. Weigh it. This was a non-event.


...if all 5,000 people died in the same accident, then it'd be a story, wouldn't it?
 
2013-04-17 04:32:45 AM

RexTalionis: This is barely satire.


I prefer to call it "tasteful" satire. It's hard to make fun of a tragic event like this, no matter the dead or injured. The Onion did a good job of not crossing the line.
 
2013-04-17 04:36:15 AM

People_are_Idiots: RexTalionis: This is barely satire.

I prefer to call it "tasteful" satire. It's hard to make fun of a tragic event like this, no matter the dead or injured. The Onion did a good job of not crossing the line.


It's because they didn't make fun of the event. They made fun of the tasteless media response.
 
2013-04-17 04:42:54 AM
Now for an Empathy Showdown! Who can show the most sympathies in a single Facebook post?!

Next: Who can come up with the cruelest revenge scenario for the bomber?
 
2013-04-17 05:31:20 AM
As I live in the area and was taking a nap at the time of the incident, I woke up to two dozen text messages and a ton of Facebook messages.  While I'm glad that my friends care, I'm not sure why they thought I'd be one of less than 200 people that happened to be within the 48 square miles of Boston among the other four million+ residents, 22,000-odd runners or the half-million spectators.  I'm lazy and I live across the river in Cambridge anyway.  I'd be far more likely to be complaining about tourists overcrowding the T, and ordering in food to avoid traffic.

As to the subject of motive, I'm really hoping we get a Heath-Ledger-as-the-Joker reaction here.  I understand that most large-scale violent attacks are ideological in some way (although some of the perpetrators don't seem to have enough cognitive ability to adopt an ideology), and frankly, I'm tired of hearing someone's platform like it's a freaking Congressional campaign.

I had a doctor's appointment at Mass. General yesterday, and had to weave my way through the media who were monopolizing the area around Starbucks just in front of the hospital's sign and what appeared to be four or five guardsmen carrying light rifles and wearing body armor.  I found myself mentally critiquing the technical questions involved, which is that it should be in a crowded and already chaotic area, involve great difficulty in prompt response and have maximum shock value.  Placing a bomb where there are constant security patrols, a bombing the previous day and a facility capable of handling major catastrophic events by its very nature seemed a bit out of line.

Also wish that the blood banks didn't have to turn people away this week and then go back to begging for blood products to be donated the other 51 weeks in a year.  People die in smaller tragedies all the time, so diversify, people.

/also signed up on the bone marrow registry list, should I ever be needed
 
2013-04-17 05:32:58 AM

spill_thrill: Who can come up with the cruelest revenge scenario for the bomber?


If you're familiar with George R. R. Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire series, this question could be answered by a certain gentleman who has adopted the name Bolton.
 
2013-04-17 05:43:59 AM

Benevolent Misanthrope: Tigger: RexTalionis: This is barely satire.

Then it's good satire.

Indeed.  One of their finest pieces lately, I'd say.

~
~
I'm not sure of the exact RULES and definitions, but that read as sarcasm to me, not satire.

Although it was *mildly* amusing, my main gripe with the piece was that it said the same thing over and over again. It was done and dusted after 2 paragraphs.

Then the author says the same thing in the next 2 paragraphs.

Then the author says the same thing in the next 2 paragraphs.

Then the author says the same thing in the next 2 paragraphs.

What a freaken yawn-fest.
 
2013-04-17 06:29:49 AM

Lenny_da_Hog: I was recounting to some whippersnappers last night about how Walter Cronkite and CBS would have handled this story if it had happened in 1970 or so:

"Today in Boston, two bombs exploded at the finish line of the Boston Marathon, killing 3 and injuring dozens. [film rolls from helicopter flyover] A third bomb was found and safely detonated by explosives experts. There are currently no suspects and no group has claimed responsibility for the bombings. Authorities from several local, state, and federal agencies are investigating.

"In Phnom Penh today....."


America's been standing naked over a mirror peering up its collective fundament for so long now, it's hard to recall when it last looked up.
 
2013-04-17 06:46:45 AM

Fano: Lenny_da_Hog: fusillade762: Marcintosh: Lenny_da_Hog: I was recounting to some whippersnappers last night about how Walter Cronkite and CBS would have handled this story if it had happened in 1970 or so:

"Today in Boston, two bombs exploded at the finish line of the Boston Marathon, killing 3 and injuring dozens. [film rolls from helicopter flyover] A third bomb was found and safely detonated by explosives experts. There are currently no suspects and no group has claimed responsibility for the bombings. Authorities from several local, state, and federal agencies are investigating.

"In Phnom Penh today....."

Just tonight it dawned on me to watch PBS instead of one of the big three.  FAR less sensational and too the point.  Sick of the tear jerkin' crap they ALL seem to stoop to.  CBS was known for years as the station you turned to for solid info.  Now they need the advertising cash just like everyone else.

Caught a bit of Katie Kouric's show today (don't judge, my mom was watching it) and the maudlin, tear-jerking music they played before and after every break made me want to punch a puppy in the face.

Just once, I'd like to see a follow-up story that reported, "Victim's family says he was a self-centered ass who hated life."

I was somewhat pleased that people who knew the Virginia Tech shooter came forward to say that they weren't surprised in the least that he did it. There were multiple people who commented "when I heard the news I figured it was that Cho kid."

*not pleased about the shooting of course
Just happy to break the usual neighbor interview where everyone is surprised. I know multiple people that if they were accused of horrid deeds I would not be surprised, and would testify on TV that I knew they were capable of such actions, and throwing in more stuff I figured they would do if they hadn't been caught.


So it's not always the quiet guy who keeps to himself?
 
2013-04-17 07:07:10 AM
There is very little that's funny with the Onion anymore. It's mostly just trolling now.
 
2013-04-17 07:26:42 AM

jpallan: spill_thrill: Who can come up with the cruelest revenge scenario for the bomber?

If you're familiar with George R. R. Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire series, this question could be answered by a certain gentleman who has adopted the name Bolton.


www.sdraps.com

Federal pound me in the ass prison?
 
2013-04-17 07:57:29 AM

spill_thrill: Next: Who can come up with the cruelest revenge scenario for the bomber?


I'm not sure what, but something struck me about the way this occurred. Taken along with the unexploded device reportedly found at the library, this suggests to me that this may have more personal motive, (i.e. "revenge" on a cheating spouse or insurance fraud,) and be cleverly disguised to look like a terror attack, taking advantage of the correctly expected jump to conclusions by the media.

In either case, the bomber should be dismantled, using explosives, one piece at a time.

Well, we're going to start with your feet, taping an old-style M-80 to the back of the right foot, and setting it off. We'll tape another one to what's left to make sure it's all gone. Then we'll move to the other foot. I think we'll have your full attention by the time we get to your balls, no?
 
2013-04-17 08:09:42 AM

Huck And Molly Ziegler: Sometimes I play the mental game, "What if We Had No 1st Amendment?" Somewhere on the list of potential changes I'd institute would be, No Looping Video of Destructive Event beyond three HOURS after said event occurred, and after that, only once at the top of each hour. For only one day.

Just an opinion. Carry on.


But what if there are people who have not yet seen that 78-year-old guy crumple and fall from the shock wave? Us seeing it several hundred times seems a small price to pay.
 
2013-04-17 08:50:32 AM

Speaker2Animals: luxup: The Onion should do an in-depth investigation into the last time it was actually funny.

Never understood how it's lasted.

Stick with Cracked, then. Seems to be more your speed.


stopnotlikingwhatilike.jpg?
 
mjg
2013-04-17 09:38:59 AM
Thank you Onion. Thank you.
 
2013-04-17 11:44:01 AM
Lenny_da_Hog:

Just once, I'd like to see a follow-up story that reported, "Victim's family says he was a self-centered ass who hated life."

Just like me!1! And I've been inviting y'all farkers to come do me in for a few years now.
 
2013-04-17 11:46:53 AM

Medic Zero: Gyrfalcon:

And for sure there weren't fifteen reporters running up to random passersby: "How did you feel? What did you do?" and eliciting fifteen identical responses: "I was scared. I shiat myself." "Wow, really? And what was it like?" "It was really scary."

No one went for the hard hitting follow up question: "How did it feel when the shiat ran down your legs?"


Pretty shiatty, akshully.
 
2013-04-17 01:15:23 PM

RobSeace: jpallan: spill_thrill: Who can come up with the cruelest revenge scenario for the bomber?

If you're familiar with George R. R. Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire series, this question could be answered by a certain gentleman who has adopted the name Bolton.

[www.sdraps.com image 400x300]

Federal pound me in the ass prison?


Hold them until the next book comes out?
 
2013-04-17 04:05:10 PM

generallyso: luxup: The Onion should do an in-depth investigation into the last time it was actually funny.

Never understood how it's lasted.

Satire isn't necessarily funny. Especially when it predicts the future with a disturbing degree of accuracy.


You weren't kidding. Someone on the Onion staff must have a time machine. Disturbing indeed.
 
2013-04-17 08:44:49 PM

jpallan: spill_thrill: Who can come up with the cruelest revenge scenario for the bomber?

If you're familiar with George R. R. Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire series, this question could be answered by a certain gentleman who has adopted the name Bolton.


Yeah man they are throwing him in the show already can't wait to see how that turns out.
 
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