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(The Onion)   Area Man Growing A Little Tired Of Rushing Home To Hug Loved Ones   (theonion.com) divider line 74
    More: Obvious, rushing  
•       •       •

11619 clicks; posted to Main » on 16 Apr 2013 at 3:26 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



74 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

Archived thread
 
2013-04-16 02:33:09 PM  
Perhaps he needs all those homosexuals to keep sucking his cock.
 
2013-04-16 02:53:26 PM  

FirstNationalBastard: Perhaps he needs all those homosexuals to keep sucking his cock.


(looks at image in article)

I volunteer.

As for the article itself, the Onion's being a bit soft on this one, not very controversial. But that should probably be expected after such a tragedy. Probably better than a 'too soon?' moment.
 
2013-04-16 03:20:43 PM  
just a matter of days before people resume griping about insignificant "problems"

/one of them
 
2013-04-16 03:26:22 PM  

SpikeStrip: just a matter of days before people resume griping about insignificant "problems"

/one of them


My coffee is cooler than I'd like but it's a 12 foot walk to the microwave!
 
2013-04-16 03:33:13 PM  

Cythraul: As for the article itself, the Onion's being a bit soft on this one, not very controversial. But that should probably be expected after such a tragedy. Probably better than a 'too soon?' moment.


There are some others in the sidebar.

For example, Authorities: Sadly, There Are Many People Who Could Have Done This would have made an excellent actual press release.  Sigh.
 
2013-04-16 03:33:23 PM  
AMGALTORHTHLO


Must be a secret message to summon Kthulu with.
 
2013-04-16 03:34:11 PM  
I went to the grocery store and got too much food and don't have enough room to fit in my fridge because there's already a bunch of food in there.

/Going to eat my way out of this mess...
 
2013-04-16 03:34:16 PM  

SpikeStrip: just a matter of days before people resume griping about insignificant "problems"


Remember the article on Fark a few months back where a couple was fighting because she listened to Carlie Rae Jepsen on his Spotify account and it posted updates to his Facebook timeline and he was getting all kinds of grief from his indie bandmates?
 
2013-04-16 03:34:28 PM  

SpikeStrip: just a matter of days before people resume griping about insignificant "problems"

/one of them


I would love to go back to complaining about how my truck's rear differential ate itself


/Just don't have it in me right now
 
2013-04-16 03:35:04 PM  
I Hate Headlines With Every Word Capitalized.
 
2013-04-16 03:35:35 PM  

gameshowhost: SpikeStrip: just a matter of days before people resume griping about insignificant "problems"

/one of them

My coffee is cooler than I'd like but it's a 12 foot walk to the microwave!


Never heard of a USB coffee mug warmer? Lazy or dumb, you can't be both so pick one.
 
2013-04-16 03:35:38 PM  

theresnothinglft: AMGALTORHTHLO


Must be a secret message to summon Kthulu with.


 i.qkme.me
 
2013-04-16 03:39:29 PM  

Jument: I Hate Headlines With Every Word Capitalized.


You're lucky you're as young as you are. Back in my day, Every Word Was Capitalized All The Time. It was the fashion, along with wearing an Onion on our belts. Why we wore fake newspapers on our belts makes no sense.
 
2013-04-16 03:41:53 PM  

gameshowhost: SpikeStrip: just a matter of days before people resume griping about insignificant "problems"

/one of them

My coffee is cooler than I'd like but it's a 12 foot walk to the microwave!


That's nothing. My beer is too warm.

/Never really cared about what happened in Boston
//Too far away
///Sure, it sucks for people involved but I am not losing any sleep
 
2013-04-16 03:43:43 PM  
I am hungry and wand lunch but I have to go get it instead of it being brought to me.
 
2013-04-16 03:44:19 PM  

SultanofSchwing: I am hungry and want lunch but I have to go get it instead of it being brought to me.


whoopsiedoodle
 
2013-04-16 03:47:46 PM  

DerAppie: gameshowhost: SpikeStrip: just a matter of days before people resume griping about insignificant "problems"

/one of them

My coffee is cooler than I'd like but it's a 12 foot walk to the microwave!

That's nothing. My beer is too warm.

/Never really cared about what happened in Boston
//Too far away
///Sure, it sucks for people involved but I am not losing any sleep

might i recommend:
http://dx.com/p/mini-usb-fridge-beverage-drink-cans-cooler-warmer-re fr igerator-red-silver-157216?utm_source=GoogleShoppingUS&utm_medium=CPC& utm_content=157216&utm_campaign=USB%20Gadgets&gclid=COHZvYT6z7YCFaaDQg odA0sAjg

the swearing when i discovered someone beat me to the idea was colorful and creative.
 
2013-04-16 03:51:06 PM  

gameshowhost: SpikeStrip: just a matter of days before people resume griping about insignificant "problems"

/one of them

My coffee is cooler than I'd like but it's a 12 foot walk to the microwave!


You microwave your coffee? I bet you drink those pod things too *puts nose up in air*

/back to drinking my cold coffee
 
2013-04-16 03:51:41 PM  

over_and_done: Cythraul: As for the article itself, the Onion's being a bit soft on this one, not very controversial. But that should probably be expected after such a tragedy. Probably better than a 'too soon?' moment.

There are some others in the sidebar.

For example, Authorities: Sadly, There Are Many People Who Could Have Done This would have made an excellent actual press release.  Sigh.


That's probably the most level-headed and cogent article I've seen about the whole thing, sadly enough.
 
2013-04-16 03:58:43 PM  
That Onion article is both funny and depressing simultaneously.

Personally, I think their post 9/11 issue was the most cathartic thing I've ever seen in humor.  Those were MEAN laughs and much appreciated.
 
2013-04-16 03:59:09 PM  
What a douchebag! Hugging and saying he loves them is apparently too much for him. Hate to his wife and kids.
 
2013-04-16 04:00:11 PM  

buttery_shame_cave: DerAppie: gameshowhost: SpikeStrip: just a matter of days before people resume griping about insignificant "problems"

/one of them

My coffee is cooler than I'd like but it's a 12 foot walk to the microwave!

That's nothing. My beer is too warm.

/Never really cared about what happened in Boston
//Too far away
///Sure, it sucks for people involved but I am not losing any sleep
might i recommend:
http://dx.com/p/mini-usb-fridge-beverage-drink-cans-cooler-warmer-re fr igerator-red-silver-157216?utm_source=GoogleShoppingUS&utm_medium=CPC& utm_content=157216&utm_campaign=USB%20Gadgets&gclid=COHZvYT6z7YCFaaDQg odA0sAjg

the swearing when i discovered someone beat me to the idea was colorful and creative.


I'm drinking this:


I don't know if it is going to fit.
 
2013-04-16 04:03:31 PM  

SpikeStrip: just a matter of days before people resume griping about insignificant "problems"

/one of them


I chipped my fingernail on the index finger on my left hand and nobody has any fingernail clippers. Which means I am going to have to contend with this chipped nail for the next three hours. It really is unfair how distressing life can be.
 
2013-04-16 04:03:37 PM  

buttery_shame_cave: DerAppie: gameshowhost: SpikeStrip: just a matter of days before people resume griping about insignificant "problems"

/one of them

My coffee is cooler than I'd like but it's a 12 foot walk to the microwave!

That's nothing. My beer is too warm.

/Never really cared about what happened in Boston
//Too far away
///Sure, it sucks for people involved but I am not losing any sleep
might i recommend:
http://dx.com/p/mini-usb-fridge-beverage-drink-cans-cooler-warmer-re fr igerator-red-silver-157216?utm_source=GoogleShoppingUS&utm_medium=CPC& utm_content=157216&utm_campaign=USB%20Gadgets&gclid=COHZvYT6z7YCFaaDQg odA0sAjg

the swearing when i discovered someone beat me to the idea was colorful and creative.


Image size issues, need to preview first.

www.piccer.nl
 
2013-04-16 04:03:56 PM  

SultanofSchwing: I am hungry and wand lunch but I have to go get it instead of it being brought to me.


I wish I had a lunch wand. It would make life so much easier. That is, if it could summon real food, not just McDonald's or something.

Get on inventing this, Hogwarts.
 
2013-04-16 04:05:32 PM  

FirstNationalBastard: Perhaps he needs all those homosexuals to keep sucking his cock.


Well this thread escalated quickly.
 
2013-04-16 04:06:48 PM  

Queensowntalia: SultanofSchwing: I am hungry and wand lunch but I have to go get it instead of it being brought to me.

I wish I had a lunch wand. It would make life so much easier. That is, if it could summon real food, not just McDonald's or something.

Get on inventing this, Hogwarts.


Dammit I self corrected myself, that makes previous episodes of horrible spelling and grammar checks null and void!

I award you no points!
 
2013-04-16 04:10:11 PM  

Queensowntalia: SultanofSchwing: I am hungry and wand lunch but I have to go get it instead of it being brought to me.

I wish I had a lunch wand. It would make life so much easier. That is, if it could summon real food, not just McDonald's or something.

Get on inventing this, Hogwarts.


You don't use your smartphone to order delivery either over the phone or with the internet?

That's a farking magic wand right there, man. My iPhone gives me sandwiches AND porn. It's a farking miracle.
 
2013-04-16 04:17:38 PM  
Wand Lunch

www.geekalerts.com
 
2013-04-16 04:18:01 PM  

ProudMom222: What a douchebag! Hugging and saying he loves them is apparently too much for him. Hate to his wife and kids.


www.pageaday.com
 
2013-04-16 04:21:20 PM  

Cythraul: FirstNationalBastard: Perhaps he needs all those homosexuals to keep sucking his cock.

(looks at image in article)

I volunteer.

As for the article itself, the Onion's being a bit soft on this one, not very controversial. But that should probably be expected after such a tragedy. Probably better than a 'too soon?' moment.


Anthony Jeselnik tweeted about an hour after: There are some lines that you just can't cross.  Like the finish line, apparently.

He deleted it, which given his humor I'm surprised he didn't just leave it up.
 
2013-04-16 04:22:49 PM  

dv-ous: Queensowntalia: SultanofSchwing: I am hungry and wand lunch but I have to go get it instead of it being brought to me.

I wish I had a lunch wand. It would make life so much easier. That is, if it could summon real food, not just McDonald's or something.

Get on inventing this, Hogwarts.

You don't use your smartphone to order delivery either over the phone or with the internet?

That's a farking magic wand right there, man. My iPhone gives me sandwiches AND porn. It's a farking miracle.


Sandwich Porn.  Now THAT's a thread!
 
2013-04-16 04:23:10 PM  

SultanofSchwing: SultanofSchwing: I am hungry and want lunch but I have to go get it instead of it being brought to me.

whoopsiedoodle


I hate it when I click on the link to read the comments and have to put up with seeing typos.

/no soup for you
 
2013-04-16 04:24:19 PM  

plewis: That Onion article is both funny and depressing simultaneously.

Personally, I think their post 9/11 issue was the most cathartic thing I've ever seen in humor.  Those were MEAN laughs and much appreciated.


The Onion was great that week. This was the only 9/11 article that moved me to tears.
 
2013-04-16 04:25:16 PM  

Lumbar Puncture: Cythraul: FirstNationalBastard: Perhaps he needs all those homosexuals to keep sucking his cock.

(looks at image in article)

I volunteer.

As for the article itself, the Onion's being a bit soft on this one, not very controversial. But that should probably be expected after such a tragedy. Probably better than a 'too soon?' moment.

Anthony Jeselnik tweeted about an hour after: There are some lines that you just can't cross.  Like the finish line, apparently.

He deleted it, which given his humor I'm surprised he didn't just leave it up.


i'll have you know i just passed the crushed remains of a peanut M&M through my nose thanks to you sharing that...
 
2013-04-16 04:25:22 PM  

Shrugging Atlas: FirstNationalBastard: Perhaps he needs all those homosexuals to keep sucking his cock.

Well this thread escalated quickly.


This might give some context for you.
 
2013-04-16 04:26:34 PM  

Czechzican: SultanofSchwing: SultanofSchwing: I am hungry and want lunch but I have to go get it instead of it being brought to me.

whoopsiedoodle

I hate it when I click on the link to read the comments and have to put up with seeing typos.

/no soup for you


This...is...BULLshiat!!

(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
 
2013-04-16 04:27:17 PM  

plewis: That Onion article is both funny and depressing simultaneously.

Personally, I think their post 9/11 issue was the most cathartic thing I've ever seen in humor.  Those were MEAN laughs and much appreciated.


I couldn't agree more.   Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell was the first really good laugh I had after 9/11. Upon re-reading it today, I still chuckle.  I became an even bigger fan of The Onion after their post 9/11 issue...
 
2013-04-16 04:30:24 PM  

dv-ous: Queensowntalia: SultanofSchwing: I am hungry and wand lunch but I have to go get it instead of it being brought to me.

I wish I had a lunch wand. It would make life so much easier. That is, if it could summon real food, not just McDonald's or something.

Get on inventing this, Hogwarts.

You don't use your smartphone to order delivery either over the phone or with the internet?

That's a farking magic wand right there, man. My iPhone gives me sandwiches AND porn. It's a farking miracle.


iWandtm does all that and more.
 
2013-04-16 04:31:53 PM  

DirtyDeadGhostofEbenezerCooke: dv-ous: Queensowntalia: SultanofSchwing: I am hungry and wand lunch but I have to go get it instead of it being brought to me.

I wish I had a lunch wand. It would make life so much easier. That is, if it could summon real food, not just McDonald's or something.

Get on inventing this, Hogwarts.

You don't use your smartphone to order delivery either over the phone or with the internet?

That's a farking magic wand right there, man. My iPhone gives me sandwiches AND porn. It's a farking miracle.

iWandtm does all that and more.


Should do a revised iPhone 5 commercial, instead of the whole "Sweet!" "Brilliant!" followed by images of people using their phone to do shiat...could have "EAT!" "JERK!"
 
2013-04-16 04:46:57 PM  
over_and_done:
For example, Authorities: Sadly, There Are Many People Who Could Have Done This would have made an excellent actual press release.  Sigh.

Almost tops the "one week since last mass shooting" article.
 
2013-04-16 04:56:52 PM  

ProudMom222: What a douchebag! Hugging and saying he loves them is apparently too much for him. Hate to his wife and kids.


They need to do way instain mother> who kill their babbys!

/My pary are with the father.
 
2013-04-16 05:02:55 PM  

ProudMom222


What a douchebag! Hugging and saying he loves them is apparently too much for him. Hate to his wife and kids.


You've... never actually heard of 'The Onion', have you?

And there is no need to send hate to his wife and kids.


Freudian slip is Freudian.
 
2013-04-16 05:03:31 PM  

Summer Glau's Love Slave: ProudMom222: What a douchebag! Hugging and saying he loves them is apparently too much for him. Hate to his wife and kids.

They need to do way instain mother> who kill their babbys!

/My pary are with the father.


Quick, call 911,then chew an aspirin.
 
2013-04-16 05:04:51 PM  

Ohlookabutterfly: gameshowhost: SpikeStrip: just a matter of days before people resume griping about insignificant "problems"

/one of them

My coffee is cooler than I'd like but it's a 12 foot walk to the microwave!

Never heard of a USB coffee mug warmer? Lazy or dumb, you can't be both so pick one.


Like hell I can't be both.
 
2013-04-16 05:05:37 PM  

SultanofSchwing: Queensowntalia: SultanofSchwing: I am hungry and wand lunch but I have to go get it instead of it being brought to me.

I wish I had a lunch wand. It would make life so much easier. That is, if it could summon real food, not just McDonald's or something.

Get on inventing this, Hogwarts.

Dammit I self corrected myself, that makes previous episodes of horrible spelling and grammar checks null and void!

I award you no points!


I know. I chose to ignore it, because I liked the idea of a lunch wand.

/hungry, sounds fat
 
2013-04-16 05:06:52 PM  

dabbletech: Summer Glau's Love Slave: ProudMom222: What a douchebag! Hugging and saying he loves them is apparently too much for him. Hate to his wife and kids.

They need to do way instain mother> who kill their babbys!

/My pary are with the father.

Quick, call 911,then chew an aspirin.

Link
 
2013-04-16 05:07:44 PM  

plewis: That Onion article is both funny and depressing simultaneously.

Personally, I think their post 9/11 issue was the most cathartic thing I've ever seen in humor.  Those were MEAN laughs and much appreciated.


I think I still have that one saved in a box somewhere.
 
2013-04-16 05:09:37 PM  

Queensowntalia: SultanofSchwing: Queensowntalia: SultanofSchwing: I am hungry and wand lunch but I have to go get it instead of it being brought to me.

I wish I had a lunch wand. It would make life so much easier. That is, if it could summon real food, not just McDonald's or something.

Get on inventing this, Hogwarts.

Dammit I self corrected myself, that makes previous episodes of horrible spelling and grammar checks null and void!

I award you no points!

I know. I chose to ignore it, because I liked the idea of a lunch wand.

/hungry, sounds fat


It is a good idea.
 
2013-04-16 05:09:58 PM  
I have to admit that for a tragedy-related post-tragedy Onion article, this one was pretty tasteful, and was at least funny. Kudos to them.
 
2013-04-16 05:13:04 PM  

Summer Glau's Love Slave: dabbletech: Summer Glau's Love Slave: ProudMom222: What a douchebag! Hugging and saying he loves them is apparently too much for him. Hate to his wife and kids.

They need to do way instain mother> who kill their babbys!

/My pary are with the father.

Quick, call 911,then chew an aspirin.Link


Oh man, I've never seen the animated version of that.  Bravo.
 
2013-04-16 05:20:27 PM  
Subtle, dry, sparkling, a good vintage Onion whine.
 
2013-04-16 05:24:57 PM  
 
2013-04-16 05:34:48 PM  
So... why does Fark greenlight Onion "stories" again?

What's next, random search pages?
 
2013-04-16 05:38:28 PM  

FTGodWin: So... why does Fark greenlight Onion "stories" again?


For the lulz.
 
2013-04-16 05:39:02 PM  

FTGodWin: So... why does Fark greenlight Onion "stories" again?

What's next, random search pages?


Nope. Featured Partners.
 
2013-04-16 05:44:46 PM  

Cythraul: FirstNationalBastard: Perhaps he needs all those homosexuals to keep sucking his cock.

(looks at image in article)

I volunteer.


FYI: stock photos do not have penises.

Don't ask me how I know that.
 
2013-04-16 05:44:51 PM  
I restore my call for Verbatim Headlines = Auto Red

Show SOME creativity for f*ck's sake.
 
2013-04-16 05:52:13 PM  

Contrabulous Flabtraption: I restore my call for Verbatim Headlines = Auto Red

Show SOME creativity for f*ck's sake.


Now, I can understand using the original headline as a part of the headline, but you have to add a joke or something at the end of it.
 
2013-04-16 05:53:04 PM  

FirstNationalBastard: Contrabulous Flabtraption: I restore my call for Verbatim Headlines = Auto Red

Show SOME creativity for f*ck's sake.

Now, I can understand using the original headline as a part of the headline, but you have to add a joke or something at the end of it.


Area Man Growing A Little Tired Of Rushing Home To Hug Loved Ones, The Aristocrats
 
2013-04-16 05:59:10 PM  

SpikeStrip: just a matter of days before people resume griping about insignificant "problems"

/one of them


Matter of days?   Ever heard of Tumblr?
 
2013-04-16 06:06:53 PM  
let me wear this commemorative jacket through the airport so you know i was THERE
 
2013-04-16 06:14:45 PM  
Glad to see somebody has some perspective on this. Yes, it's awful, but most of us have a much greater chance of being hit by lightning on Friday the 13th while a black cat crosses our path, than we do of being the victim of a terrorist attack.
 
2013-04-16 06:24:24 PM  
I think the Onion nailed it, with the perfect tone. I know I teared up thinking about the 8 year old boy waiting for his dad to finish the race. I want to hug my 4 year old close, for sure.
 
2013-04-16 06:27:03 PM  
How about the people that always act extra outraged when a kid is killed? One of the victims of yesterdays Boston bombing was 8 years old and a whole bunch of people were acting like that's somehow more tragic than if he had been 18 or 28 or 38 or 48.....etc
 
2013-04-16 06:31:22 PM  

carnifex2005: plewis: That Onion article is both funny and depressing simultaneously.

Personally, I think their post 9/11 issue was the most cathartic thing I've ever seen in humor.  Those were MEAN laughs and much appreciated.

The Onion was great that week. This was the only 9/11 article that moved me to tears.


Holy shiat, that kicked up some dust leftover from 12 years ago...
 
2013-04-16 06:51:46 PM  

gameshowhost: SpikeStrip: just a matter of days before people resume griping about insignificant "problems"

/one of them

My coffee is cooler than I'd like but it's a 12 foot walk to the microwave!


Pro tip: pour an amount of very hot or boiling water in it, we're talking a few tablespoons to a quarter cup or more (depending on taste.)

The microwave will just over-cook it.
 
2013-04-16 06:59:14 PM  

Popcorn Johnny: How about the people that always act extra outraged when a kid is killed? One of the victims of yesterdays Boston bombing was 8 years old and a whole bunch of people were acting like that's somehow more tragic than if he had been 18 or 28 or 38 or 48.....etc



You can love many things, like a wife, kids, pets, but the sort of pride of the parent combined with the partial innocence of the child hits home in a strong way.

Don't mess with people's money or their kids. If that's too much to remember, don't mess with their kids. A threat to someone's children pushes buttons. An implied threat, or even reminding the parent that there could be a threat, brings out some cold, plodding anger/revenge. Both parents start fantasizing about what they would do if someone blew up their kid... I don't have kids, but I understand where the parents are coming from emotionally.
 
2013-04-16 06:59:35 PM  

SultanofSchwing: FirstNationalBastard: Contrabulous Flabtraption: I restore my call for Verbatim Headlines = Auto Red

Show SOME creativity for f*ck's sake.

Now, I can understand using the original headline as a part of the headline, but you have to add a joke or something at the end of it.

Area Man Growing A Little Tired Of Rushing Home To Hug Loved Ones, The Aristocrats


Ric Romero Reports: Area Man Growing A Little Tired Of Rushing Home To Hug Smoking Hot Wife, Crotchfruit, Ugly-Ass Puppies That Just Want Steak.
 
2013-04-16 07:04:57 PM  

dascott: SultanofSchwing: FirstNationalBastard: Contrabulous Flabtraption: I restore my call for Verbatim Headlines = Auto Red

Show SOME creativity for f*ck's sake.

Now, I can understand using the original headline as a part of the headline, but you have to add a joke or something at the end of it.

Area Man Growing A Little Tired Of Rushing Home To Hug Loved Ones, The Aristocrats

Ric Romero Reports: Area Man Growing A Little Tired Of Rushing Home To Hug Smoking Hot Wife, Crotchfruit, Ugly-Ass Puppies That Just Want Steak.


you forgot Duke sucks.
 
2013-04-16 07:11:49 PM  

Contrabulous Flabtraption: I restore my call for Verbatim Headlines = Auto Red

Show SOME creativity for f*ck's sake.


Vetoed. We know it when we see it, and the extra clicks and biatching are probably easier to deal with than the lost clicks and biatching of a Fark Headline Code with (more extensively) vague rules indicating "We do what we want."

Drew's analogy of a house party is spot on; peeing on the rug is annoying, as is always biatching about rug-pissing Chinamen.
 
2013-04-16 08:16:01 PM  
The funny (sad) thing is that the Onion's coverage of Boston hasn't been funny. The articles that are meant to mock our world almost sound normal. Which is the point they're trying to make. It just isn't funny.
 
2013-04-16 09:26:12 PM  
 
2013-04-17 12:14:20 AM  

TheOtherMisterP: The funny (sad) thing is that the Onion's coverage of Boston hasn't been funny. The articles that are meant to mock our world almost sound normal. Which is the point they're trying to make. It just isn't funny.


After aurora, that video with everyone pointing their guns at each other was just perfect.
 
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