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(Topless Robot)   Ten GI Joes who will never appear on the big screen. Really? Tomax and Xamot are too campy for a theatrical release?   (toplessrobot.com) divider line 65
    More: Fail, G.I. Joe, Tomax, movies, Cobra Commander, theatrical release, Paul Wernick, knee-high boots, Christopher Eccleston  
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5252 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 12 Apr 2013 at 11:25 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-04-12 10:59:31 AM
I saw no mention of Ninja Force. Bright orange costumes on ninjas kinda defeat the purpose.
 
2013-04-12 11:11:35 AM
FTA: Funny how the dumb guy was able to pass enough tests to get certified as an expert in Dragon Anti-Tank Missle, Milan System, LAW rocket, Recoilless rifle, LAW System and all Warsaw Pact RPG systems and complete Advanced Infantry and Armor Training at Fort Benning and Fort Knox.

...you know how I know you've never been in the Army?

/Javelin and TOW qualified.  The classes are structured for the dude who scored the bare minimum on the ASVAB to pass.
//The LAW (and its replacement, the AT-4) is basically idiot-proof.
 
2013-04-12 11:15:19 AM

Sgt Otter: idiot-proof.


That is, until we find a better idiot.
 
2013-04-12 11:36:42 AM
They should put Bazooka in the next movie, just to spite this shiatty list.
 
2013-04-12 11:39:25 AM

Sgt Otter: FTA: Funny how the dumb guy was able to pass enough tests to get certified as an expert in Dragon Anti-Tank Missle, Milan System, LAW rocket, Recoilless rifle, LAW System and all Warsaw Pact RPG systems and complete Advanced Infantry and Armor Training at Fort Benning and Fort Knox.

...you know how I know you've never been in the Army?

/Javelin and TOW qualified.  The classes are structured for the dude who scored the bare minimum on the ASVAB to pass.
//The LAW (and its replacement, the AT-4) is basically idiot-proof.


The idiots you shoot at don't agree with your conclusion
 
2013-04-12 11:40:37 AM

Sgt Otter: FTA: Funny how the dumb guy was able to pass enough tests to get certified as an expert in Dragon Anti-Tank Missle, Milan System, LAW rocket, Recoilless rifle, LAW System and all Warsaw Pact RPG systems and complete Advanced Infantry and Armor Training at Fort Benning and Fort Knox.

...you know how I know you've never been in the Army?

/Javelin and TOW qualified.  The classes are structured for the dude who scored the bare minimum on the ASVAB to pass.
//The LAW (and its replacement, the AT-4) is basically idiot-proof.


There's a reason why all those things have lots of pictures in the instructions.  For every 99 ASVAB guy, there seemed to be 3 who needed the extra study books and help sessions to get that coveted 32.
 
2013-04-12 11:41:13 AM

Sgt Otter: The LAW (and its replacement, the AT-4) is basically idiot-proof.


You say that...
www.blastr.com
 
2013-04-12 11:41:53 AM
The entire show is gayer than three hairy dicks  farking in a sack full of rainbow lube. Does anyone not get that?
 
2013-04-12 11:47:35 AM
So... Sci-Fi and Alley Vipers shouldn't be in a movie because they're the wrong color?
 
2013-04-12 11:49:28 AM

willfullyobscure: The entire show is gayer than three hairy dicks  farking in a sack full of rainbow lube. Does anyone not get that?


swirlsipsnark.com
 
2013-04-12 11:52:27 AM

Garko: They should put Bazooka in the next movie, just to spite this shiatty list.


Bazooka, Gung-Ho and the Dreadnoks (I don't see why a motorcycle gang couldn't work.) are all doable.

There's a much, MUCH longer list of characters that won't work.

Airtight (Snert)
Spirit
Crystal Ball (Designed by Stephen King's son!)
Psych-Out
Fast Draw (Anybody else always losing bits to him?)
Budo
Shockwave
Super Trooper (Loved when I'd saved up enough Joe Points to get him!)
HEAT Viper
TARGAT
Darklon
Metal Head
Captain Grid-Iron
Snow Serpent
The Eco-Warriors line, although that one MIGHT be topical.
Barricade

The list goes on. http://www.yojoe.com/action/
 
2013-04-12 11:52:54 AM

willfullyobscure: The entire show is gayer than three hairy dicks  farking in a sack full of rainbow lube. Does anyone not get that?


should we stop liking things you don't like?
 
2013-04-12 11:53:24 AM

willfullyobscure: The entire show is gayer than three hairy dicks  farking in a sack full of rainbow lube. Does anyone not get that?


Your opinion is meaningless, particularly following that comment. Do you not get that?
 
2013-04-12 11:53:50 AM

Subdue their bellies: So... Sci-Fi and Alley Vipers shouldn't be in a movie because they're the wrong color?


snarkerati.com

Excuse me?
 
2013-04-12 11:54:12 AM

ManateeGag: willfullyobscure: The entire show is gayer than three hairy dicks  farking in a sack full of rainbow lube. Does anyone not get that?

should we stop liking things you don't like?


Don't interrupt him while he's watching He-Man.
 
2013-04-12 11:55:05 AM
Airtight was the bio-chem weapons expert.  Would work fine.  Snow Serpents were arctic troopers.  They would also work.  The rest of that list?  Yeah, I'm with you.
 
2013-04-12 11:55:31 AM

willfullyobscure: The entire show is gayer than three hairy dicks  farking in a sack full of rainbow lube. Does anyone not get that?


Sure they do.
 
2013-04-12 11:55:41 AM

Subdue their bellies: So... Sci-Fi and Alley Vipers shouldn't be in a movie because they're the wrong color?


there is a version of the alley viper that is in dark colors and I'm sure there was a recolor of Sci-Fi at some point.

Dreadknocks would most certainly work on screen.  Zartan can use thugs.
 
2013-04-12 11:56:39 AM

PizzaJedi81: Garko: They should put Bazooka in the next movie, just to spite this shiatty list.

Bazooka, Gung-Ho and the Dreadnoks (I don't see why a motorcycle gang couldn't work.) are all doable.

There's a much, MUCH longer list of characters that won't work.

Airtight (Snert)
Spirit
Crystal Ball (Designed by Stephen King's son!)
Psych-Out
Fast Draw (Anybody else always losing bits to him?)
Budo
Shockwave
Super Trooper (Loved when I'd saved up enough Joe Points to get him!)
HEAT Viper
TARGAT
Darklon
Metal Head
Captain Grid-Iron
Snow Serpent
The Eco-Warriors line, although that one MIGHT be topical.
Barricade

The list goes on. http://www.yojoe.com/action/


Nemesis Enforcer and Golobulus better be on that list
 
2013-04-12 11:57:09 AM

ManateeGag: willfullyobscure: The entire show is gayer than three hairy dicks  farking in a sack full of rainbow lube. Does anyone not get that?

should we stop liking things you don't like?


Who wants a body massage?

/body massaaaaaaage
 
2013-04-12 11:57:12 AM

Pants_Optional: Airtight was the bio-chem weapons expert.  Would work fine.  Snow Serpents were arctic troopers.  They would also work.  The rest of that list?  Yeah, I'm with you.


Not in their original costumes, though, which was apparently that guy's only qualifier.

ManateeGag: Dreadknocks would most certainly work on screen. Zartan can use thugs.


It's a motorcycle gang. How is that NOT doable? I mean...this guy's a moron.
 
2013-04-12 11:58:12 AM

Dr Dreidel: Nemesis Enforcer and Golobulus better be on that list


Man...I'd like to see Nemesis Enforcer revamped as one of Mindbender's experiments, genetically encoded to protect Cobra Commander.
 
2013-04-12 12:01:26 PM

PizzaJedi81: Pants_Optional: Airtight was the bio-chem weapons expert.  Would work fine.  Snow Serpents were arctic troopers.  They would also work.  The rest of that list?  Yeah, I'm with you.

Not in their original costumes, though, which was apparently that guy's only qualifier.

ManateeGag: Dreadknocks would most certainly work on screen. Zartan can use thugs.

It's a motorcycle gang. How is that NOT doable? I mean...this guy's a moron.


maybe if you go into their backgrounds.  isn't Buzzer supposed to have a Harvard education joined the Dreadknocks for some reason (I don't have the file card in front of me, sorry!)
 
2013-04-12 12:04:36 PM

ManateeGag: isn't Buzzer supposed to have a Harvard education joined the Dreadknocks for some reason (I don't have the file card in front of me, sorry!)


Anthropology, if I remember correctly. He joined to study the Dreadnok culture and just got too into it.
 
2013-04-12 12:06:15 PM

PizzaJedi81: Dr Dreidel: Nemesis Enforcer and Golobulus better be on that list

Man...I'd like to see Nemesis Enforcer revamped as one of Mindbender's experiments, genetically encoded to protect Cobra Commander.


I can see it.  Cast some huge body builder.  No dialog, so you don't have to worry about him speaking.  just nix the wings and you're good.
 
2013-04-12 12:06:38 PM

PizzaJedi81: Dr Dreidel: Nemesis Enforcer and Golobulus better be on that list

Man...I'd like to see Nemesis Enforcer revamped as one of Mindbender's experiments, genetically encoded to protect Cobra Commander.


I'd actually like to see a real-world adaptation of the 198...4? '87? GI Joe movie (with updates and a severe rewrite; maybe tone down the Asian racism a bit).

But I can see them following the Serpentor-creation plot from the cartoon in the next film, making the NE-as-Mindbender's-creation a bit redundant - maybe borrow the Golobulus/NE "Cobra-La" warring factions part of the movie.

// man, that flick was INTEGRAL to my childhood
 
2013-04-12 12:18:41 PM
Just to check: We are all grown adults, right? Talking about a cartoon and toyline? I mean..I turn 32 in a couple of weeks.

Not judging, just pointing this out.
 
2013-04-12 12:21:50 PM

PizzaJedi81: Just to check: We are all grown adults, right? Talking about a cartoon and toyline? I mean..I turn 32 in a couple of weeks.

Not judging, just pointing this out.


and?  I'm 37 and have my collection on full display in my home office.
 
2013-04-12 12:23:04 PM

ManateeGag: PizzaJedi81: Just to check: We are all grown adults, right? Talking about a cartoon and toyline? I mean..I turn 32 in a couple of weeks.

Not judging, just pointing this out.

and?  I'm 37 and have my collection on full display in my home office.


Again, not judging. I've got mine up on a shelf at my home.
 
2013-04-12 12:31:33 PM

PizzaJedi81: Just to check: We are all grown adults, right? Talking about a cartoon and toyline? I mean..I turn 32 in a couple of weeks.

Not judging, just pointing this out.


I recently downloaded, and am now rewatching in its entirety, the original TMNT cartoon.

Your check is returned showing positive results.

// just started Season 3 last night
 
2013-04-12 12:44:36 PM
On the subject of Deep Six, the author just doesn't know about diving hard suits does he? Deep Six wouldn't be walking around in it like in the cartoon, but you could easily do a scene where he has to dive down to a great depth to deal with a Cobra McGuffin.


webspace.webring.com
 
2013-04-12 01:15:25 PM
By 1987 it was possible to populate an entire bedroom floor battlefield with shirtless combatants. Don't expect to see a movie screen filled with such character designs any time soon.

This is madness.
 
2013-04-12 01:16:15 PM

Grand PBUH: Who wants a body massage?

/body massaaaaaaage


PORK CHOP SANDWICHES
 
2013-04-12 01:17:24 PM

ODDwhun: By 1987 it was possible to populate an entire bedroom floor battlefield with shirtless combatants. Don't expect to see a movie screen filled with such character designs any time soon.

This is madness.



www.scatchan.net

Madness, my old chap? No. This is not madness. This happens to be Sparta, wherein such shenanigans simply do not occur.
 
2013-04-12 01:30:48 PM

ODDwhun: By 1987 it was possible to populate an entire bedroom floor battlefield with shirtless combatants. Don't expect to see a movie screen filled with such character designs any time soon.

This is madness.


"Our banana hammocks will block out the sun."

3.bp.blogspot.com

"Then we shall fight in the shade!"
 
2013-04-12 01:31:47 PM
Really? Not one Serpentor mention?
 
2013-04-12 01:33:06 PM
I have to disagree on Tomax and Xamot i think they would work fine in the next Gi Joe movie.  The others not so much.
 
2013-04-12 01:42:23 PM
You know, it's sad when the Cheat Commandos are less stupid than the GI Joes they're making fun of.
 
2013-04-12 01:42:43 PM

Dr Dreidel: PizzaJedi81: Garko: They should put Bazooka in the next movie, just to spite this shiatty list.

Bazooka, Gung-Ho and the Dreadnoks (I don't see why a motorcycle gang couldn't work.) are all doable.

There's a much, MUCH longer list of characters that won't work.

Airtight (Snert)
Spirit
Crystal Ball (Designed by Stephen King's son!)
Psych-Out
Fast Draw (Anybody else always losing bits to him?)
Budo
Shockwave
Super Trooper (Loved when I'd saved up enough Joe Points to get him!)
HEAT Viper
TARGAT
Darklon
Metal Head
Captain Grid-Iron
Snow Serpent
The Eco-Warriors line, although that one MIGHT be topical.
Barricade

The list goes on. http://www.yojoe.com/action/

Nemesis Enforcer and Golobulus better be on that list


I don't get the Cobra-La hate.  The one thing I find implausible was that there was this vast army of citizen warriors who at the beck and call of their king could unleash hell upon the rest of the world using biomechanical weapons that even regenerated when damaged and yet they stayed in a nigh unforgiving, undiscovered wasteland deep in the Himalayas.

Too bad the cartoon movie had to be rated G, I could picture Nemesis Enforcer unleashing some serious shiznit with his blades.
 
2013-04-12 01:45:28 PM
www.timlybarger.com
 
2013-04-12 01:46:06 PM

grimlock1972: I have to disagree on Tomax and Xamot i think they would work fine in the next Gi Joe movie.  The others not so much.


Tomax and Xamot would work well given the current economical and sociopolitical climate.  Bankers bringing down a financial collapse worldwide - it was the twins acting in behalf of Cobra.

They wore business suits in the cartoon and comics, but this author didn't seem to notice or bother reading their file cards where the above scenario is described..
 
2013-04-12 01:47:34 PM

Relatively Obscure: [www.timlybarger.com image 550x724]


I was so excited to get him in the mail. Two days later, his rubber band snapped.
 
2013-04-12 01:49:19 PM

PizzaJedi81: Relatively Obscure: [www.timlybarger.com image 550x724]

I was so excited to get him in the mail. Two days later, his rubber band snapped.


I remember when I had Joes lose their rubber bands like that.  I kept about 100 o-rings on standby for that purpose.
 
2013-04-12 01:50:36 PM

sure haven't: Grand PBUH: Who wants a body massage?

/body massaaaaaaage

PORK CHOP SANDWICHES


give him the stick. DON'T GIVE HIM THE STICK!
 
2013-04-12 02:02:04 PM
Hey kid, I'm a COMPUTER!

/stop all the downloadin'
 
2013-04-12 02:05:21 PM
So can we do a top 10 list of top 10 goofy GI Joe character lists yet? I think Cracked alone has done 4 or 5 of these things.
 
2013-04-12 02:16:08 PM
DON'T LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M FARKING TALKING TO YOU
 
2013-04-12 02:37:33 PM
MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME
 
2013-04-12 02:38:05 PM

Sgt Otter: FTA: Funny how the dumb guy was able to pass enough tests to get certified as an expert in Dragon Anti-Tank Missle, Milan System, LAW rocket, Recoilless rifle, LAW System and all Warsaw Pact RPG systems and complete Advanced Infantry and Armor Training at Fort Benning and Fort Knox.

...you know how I know you've never been in the Army?

/Javelin and TOW qualified.  The classes are structured for the dude who scored the bare minimum on the ASVAB to pass.
//The LAW (and its replacement, the AT-4) is basically idiot-proof.


You gotta point, even a girl can use it :)

s3.amazonaws.com
 
2013-04-12 02:40:36 PM

Nilatir: Sgt Otter: FTA: Funny how the dumb guy was able to pass enough tests to get certified as an expert in Dragon Anti-Tank Missle, Milan System, LAW rocket, Recoilless rifle, LAW System and all Warsaw Pact RPG systems and complete Advanced Infantry and Armor Training at Fort Benning and Fort Knox.

...you know how I know you've never been in the Army?

/Javelin and TOW qualified.  The classes are structured for the dude who scored the bare minimum on the ASVAB to pass.
//The LAW (and its replacement, the AT-4) is basically idiot-proof.

You gotta point, even a girl can use it :)

[s3.amazonaws.com image 850x566]


Dammit...it was even there in the preview...

escapepod.org
 
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