Do you have adblock enabled?
If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(SeattlePI)   'Please help' and the 8 other things Earthlings want to say to extraterrestrials ... Turns out, we're a fairly self-obsessed bunch   (blog.seattlepi.com) divider line 120
    More: Interesting, earthlings, SETI Institute, Tim Lower, University of Alaska  
•       •       •

5351 clicks; posted to Main » on 10 Apr 2013 at 12:17 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



120 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

Archived thread
 
2013-04-10 11:04:08 AM  
I told them we're made of meat.
 
2013-04-10 11:18:40 AM  
"we taste bad!"
 
2013-04-10 11:41:52 AM  
Hey baby.. what are you wearing?
 
2013-04-10 12:04:44 PM  
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure
How amazingly unlikely is your birth
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth
 
2013-04-10 12:06:16 PM  
"Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?"
 
2013-04-10 12:07:19 PM  
Why do all you aliens look like humans with rubber crap glued to your foreheads and ears?
 
2013-04-10 12:08:46 PM  
Let me show you all about this earth thing called "love."
 
2013-04-10 12:11:49 PM  
Welcome to Earf
 
2013-04-10 12:12:08 PM  
All Natural #erbal V!@gra!!! Please her in bed Genuine all natural pharma Ceutical the Secret big Pharmacies dont want u 2 Know!  OrDer Now!
 
2013-04-10 12:20:16 PM  
STOP WITH THE ANAL PROBING! Seriously, it is not funny!
 
2013-04-10 12:22:05 PM  
Do you have a problem with hairballs?

/whoops, wrong "ask question" thread
 
2013-04-10 12:25:20 PM  
Get me off this miserable rock.
 
2013-04-10 12:25:38 PM  
So you come to this planet often?
 
2013-04-10 12:26:54 PM  
Can I take your ship for a quick spin to Pluto and back?
That's the 0 - 60 time on that baby?
Would you help me retro fit that engine to my '65 GTO?

/Sorry
//Too much Top Gear.
 
2013-04-10 12:27:54 PM  
So... What brings you to the asylum known as earth?
 
2013-04-10 12:30:53 PM  

Deep Contact: Get me off this miserable rock.


Hey, this is a great rock. Very fine minerals. The surface bacteria are pretty farking annoying though.
 
2013-04-10 12:36:00 PM  
This worked, at least for a while, when Spanish explorers came calling:

"We don't have much gold/sexy/dilithium here, but they have loads of it on the fourth planet and the asteroids are practically made of the stuff."
 
2013-04-10 12:38:16 PM  
Run and hide, because the monsters are coming - the human race.
 
GBB
2013-04-10 12:40:10 PM  

MaudlinMutantMollusk: So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure
How amazingly unlikely is your birth
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth


Burmashave
 
2013-04-10 12:41:45 PM  
Dear ET.  Please kill everyone on Earth that does not agree with my opinion.
Kill my first ex wife twice.
 
2013-04-10 12:42:32 PM  
The people on Alpha Centauri said you guys were pussies. If you ever came around them, they'd beat you like a red headed stepchild.
 
2013-04-10 12:45:06 PM  
Welcome to the Stuckeys of the universe. Those specials that you saw on the billboard out past Mars? Yeah. We're out of them. Yeah. We don't got none of them 99 cent pecan logs but we gots lots of the $2.99 ones.
 
2013-04-10 12:49:00 PM  
The people in the following cities will try to kill you so use your death ray and destroy New York, Washington DC, Detroit, Seattle, New Orleans, Chicago and Los Angeles.  I'll add to this list later.
 
2013-04-10 12:49:35 PM  
You are in violation of the Prime Directive. You are visiting a pre-warp planet and have infected us with an unnatural thirst for technology. Or something. You are hereby ordered to turn over your ship, you weapons and your hotter females to me. I didn't write the Prime Directive even though it's known as the Harry Freakstorm Prime Directive, I just try and follow the parts of it that benefit me. So, show me how your toilet flushes, where the shifter for the warp drive is and un-ass that spaceship,
 
2013-04-10 12:50:08 PM  
Yeah, but we made up religion so atheists would have something to blame besides human nature!
 
2013-04-10 12:51:43 PM  
"Enslave Canada or Holland first."
 
2013-04-10 12:52:13 PM  
Oh what the hell. One more:

So what did you guys do to Jesus when he came a-calling?
 
2013-04-10 12:53:03 PM  
did anyone else find that webpage to be an unholy abortion in need of being destroyed by fire?
gave up trying to even find the slide show and just figured that if aliens found that page they would flee for their lives rather than read it
 
2013-04-10 12:53:48 PM  
Problem with aliens helping us out is we wouldn't know when to say stop. We'd like their space travel technology for sure, but most of their other technology would make our jobs, and therefore our lives, obsolete.
 
2013-04-10 12:54:55 PM  
"So, where's the chick with 3 knockers?"
 
2013-04-10 12:55:08 PM  
Fermi: Why don't you call?
 
2013-04-10 12:56:44 PM  
well, being only able to communicate with ourselves for all of recorded history will do that to a species
 
2013-04-10 12:56:49 PM  

Cymbal: Problem with aliens helping us out is we wouldn't know when to say stop. We'd like their space travel technology for sure, but most of their other technology would make our jobs, and therefore our lives, obsolete.


I would guess that any civilization advanced enough to overcome the problems to travel in the universe have also overcome the problems we face every day.  Other than being probed in the ears and ass with a sharp instrument or being used as food, I think we'd be better off in the long run.
 
2013-04-10 01:00:04 PM  
Where's your sex hole?
 
2013-04-10 01:01:16 PM  
Hey aliens, you go the same stuff we do?

upload.wikimedia.org
 
2013-04-10 01:02:41 PM  

Odoriferous Queef: Can I take your ship for a quick spin to Pluto and back?
That's the 0 - 60 time on that baby?
Would you help me retro fit that engine to my '65 GTO?

/Sorry
//Too much Top Gear.


Reminds me of a cartoon from Punch magazine of two aliens meeting two humans and offering them a go in their space ship in exchange for a go in the human craft. Unfortunately for the future of a deal, the human "space ship" is a Dutch windmill. Chances are, however, humans being what they are, the Dutch couple made off with the space ship, leaving the aliens stranded with the windmill. A good cartoon very often tells a story that extends beyond the panel or panels of the cartoon proper (or improper).

Judging from the number of cartoons by different cartoonists, joy riding in an alien space craft is a fairly common human fantasy. One cartoon shows the aliens and humans getting drunking together while the "King" of the humans has a go in the alien spacecraft. The humans are hobos and their King is clearly drunk out of his skull judging from his erratic flight path.
 
2013-04-10 01:03:35 PM  
The concept that extraterrestrials have a language that involves the exchange of symbols (just like us) is alien to me.

Since they are just like us, why not just ask them for a good Enchilada recipe.
 
2013-04-10 01:06:58 PM  

bim1154: Cymbal: Problem with aliens helping us out is we wouldn't know when to say stop. We'd like their space travel technology for sure, but most of their other technology would make our jobs, and therefore our lives, obsolete.

I would guess that any civilization advanced enough to overcome the problems to travel in the universe have also overcome the problems we face every day.  Other than being probed in the ears and ass with a sharp instrument or being used as food, I think we'd be better off in the long run.


I don't know, I think we would bore ourselves pretty quickly. If all our needs are taken care of by alien technology what the hell would we do with our lives besides sex/drugs and posting drunken snarky comments on websites? Not saying that's a bad thing, but I think eventually even that would get boring.
 
2013-04-10 01:07:19 PM  

namatad: did anyone else find that webpage to be an unholy abortion in need of being destroyed by fire?
gave up trying to even find the slide show and just figured that if aliens found that page they would flee for their lives rather than read it


THIS
 
2013-04-10 01:07:31 PM  
Basically... RUN !
 
2013-04-10 01:08:20 PM  
Can we have Elvis and Glenn Miller back now?
 
2013-04-10 01:08:53 PM  
I for one welcome our 3 breasted alien overlords.
 
2013-04-10 01:09:08 PM  
'Where's my flying car?'
 
2013-04-10 01:10:27 PM  

Cymbal: bim1154: Cymbal: Problem with aliens helping us out is we wouldn't know when to say stop. We'd like their space travel technology for sure, but most of their other technology would make our jobs, and therefore our lives, obsolete.

I would guess that any civilization advanced enough to overcome the problems to travel in the universe have also overcome the problems we face every day.  Other than being probed in the ears and ass with a sharp instrument or being used as food, I think we'd be better off in the long run.

I don't know, I think we would bore ourselves pretty quickly. If all our needs are taken care of by alien technology what the hell would we do with our lives besides sex/drugs and posting drunken snarky comments on websites? Not saying that's a bad thing, but I think eventually even that would get boring.


I'd sure give it a try.
 
2013-04-10 01:14:56 PM  
a4.ec-images.myspacecdn.com
 
2013-04-10 01:17:35 PM  
"How do you like the harmonica?"


/Obscure?
 
2013-04-10 01:19:44 PM  
#9 - would you like a glass of water?
 
2013-04-10 01:20:28 PM  

FloydA: Why do all you aliens look like humans with rubber crap glued to your foreheads and ears?


This is one of my pet peeves. I've often thought of founding a Society for Real Aliens on the basic model of the movement for "Real" Ale.

The truth is that, like most of the conventions of SF, the nature of aliens is determined by the needs of human-story telling and technical limitations. In a SF narrative, you can make the aliens as alien as you like, but they still have to 1) want to steal our Earth women; 2) prize our primitive resources such as gold, air, water, or uranium; and 3) want to have sex, fight or eat us.

In reality our women would be as fugly to the aliens as they are to us, the resources aliens want would be easier to mine from asteroids and comets, and aliens might not want to have sex, fight or eat us because they are simply too alien. Life might evolve in a pocket of anti-matter, or based on silicon, or possibly even in forms that don't involve our kind of biology. It is likely that the molecules of life might be polarized right instead of left on other worlds very much like ours, and thus no matter how much the aliens resembled us, they couldn't eat us because they couldn' metabolize our sugars, proteins, etc.

Aliens might be so alien, not to mention so much smarter than us, that communication wouldn't entertain them, let alone interest them. We might be dumber than their pets. We can communicate with cultures that are tens of thousands of years behind our own in technical and organizational terms, but could we communicate with a Civilization ten million or ten billion years ahead? Mice and dinosaurs and bananas are all close cousins compared to the type of aliens that might be able to travel across interstellar space or take handy shortcuts we don't know about yet.

It annoys me that fictional aliens are too human, but there's nothing to be done about it except read the better sort of SF literature and ignore the space soaps on TV and in the movies.

I watch some SF but for the most part am not a dedicated fan of TV space soaps. Even much of the more "serious" non-franchise stuff is so silly and trite I lose interest after the first five minutes give away the premise and the plot. Having read a lot of SF and EC comics in my youth (and re-read a lot since), I pretty much know what happens next.

SF short stories seem to be firmly in the moralizing, predictable "idea" line established well before The Twilight Zone and its emulators.

The in-story explanation for the strikingly similar body plans for all these alien races is that they are, in fact, related to each other, having been bio-engineered or evolved from a common ancestral race that traveled the galaxy a few million years ago. The humans, Romulans, Vulcans, and Klingons all form a Darwinian family tree or else were the result of planet-seeding and parallel evolution or convergence.

In reality, however, it's basically a matter of how big a make-up, costume, and special effects budget the producers are willing to provide, and how patient or smart they think the audience is.
 
2013-04-10 01:21:58 PM  
Almost every time one human culture encounters another, the more technologically advanced one destroys the less technologically advanced one.  If we encounter aliens similar enough to us to allow us to communicate or even have any common frame of reference (unlikely) and the aliens are the ones visiting us instead of the other way around, well.... there's no reason to believe that it won't happen to us.
 
2013-04-10 01:25:01 PM  
#10: Please use your orbital death rays on whoever invented website slideshows
 
2013-04-10 01:28:41 PM  
25.media.tumblr.com
 
2013-04-10 01:32:05 PM  

miniflea: Almost every time one human culture encounters another, the more technologically advanced one destroys the less technologically advanced one.  If we encounter aliens similar enough to us to allow us to communicate or even have any common frame of reference (unlikely) and the aliens are the ones visiting us instead of the other way around, well.... there's no reason to believe that it won't happen to us.


That would only happen if we, or the earth itself, had something that they needed. Otherwise they would just do a flyby and determine we are too primitive to even be of any interest to them. To me, I think the latter would be the case most of the time, since mastering interstellar travel is far more difficult than harvesting resources.
 
2013-04-10 01:33:31 PM  
Don't panic.
 
2013-04-10 01:38:05 PM  
Turns out your moms a fairly obsessed bunch
 
2013-04-10 01:38:44 PM  
Bring a towel.
 
2013-04-10 01:39:03 PM  

Cymbal: miniflea: Almost every time one human culture encounters another, the more technologically advanced one destroys the less technologically advanced one.  If we encounter aliens similar enough to us to allow us to communicate or even have any common frame of reference (unlikely) and the aliens are the ones visiting us instead of the other way around, well.... there's no reason to believe that it won't happen to us.

That would only happen if we, or the earth itself, had something that they needed. Otherwise they would just do a flyby and determine we are too primitive to even be of any interest to them. To me, I think the latter would be the case most of the time, since mastering interstellar travel is far more difficult than harvesting resources.


This assumes they are rational.  But yes, I think that is more likely than the very human idea of conquest.
 
2013-04-10 01:42:22 PM  

Cymbal: miniflea: Almost every time one human culture encounters another, the more technologically advanced one destroys the less technologically advanced one.  If we encounter aliens similar enough to us to allow us to communicate or even have any common frame of reference (unlikely) and the aliens are the ones visiting us instead of the other way around, well.... there's no reason to believe that it won't happen to us.

That would only happen if we, or the earth itself, had something that they needed. Otherwise they would just do a flyby and determine we are too primitive to even be of any interest to them. To me, I think the latter would be the case most of the time, since mastering interstellar travel is far more difficult than harvesting resources.


who knows, to them it would be like stomping an ant colony
 
2013-04-10 01:42:43 PM  
Done in one.

/sadly but realistically
 
2013-04-10 01:45:17 PM  
Also, have you read Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle's novel Footfall?  In it, a race of aliens attacks the earth.  There are two factions among them, the sleepers and the spaceborn.  The sleepers have been in cryogenic sleep and were born and lived on the surface of their home planet.  The spaceborn were, wait for it, born in space and have never lived on a planet, and remained awake during the several generations of their journey.  The sleepers are in control, but as the attempted conquest of earth goes on, the spaceborn increasingly question the need for a planet when all the resources they need can be found in the asteroids and whatnot.
 
2013-04-10 01:48:01 PM  

brantgoose: SF short stories seem to be firmly in the moralizing, predictable "idea" line established well before The Twilight Zone and its emulators.


that's why a writer would choose to employ science fiction.  science fiction is a proper vehicle to explore philosophical issues of etymology, metaphysics, certain ethics, etc.  it allows the writer to avoid certain obstacles to his vision by simply ignoring modern constraints on communication, technology, etc.  they get to jump straight to the bottom of the slippery slope and slosh around with impunity.

similar, but contrasted to fantasy, which is much more frequently dealing with ethical concerns about good and evil.  because the vehicle makes those concerns easily identifiable and polarizing.

keep in mind, the little world created is the least important thing.  it's the writing that matters.  now, for you, they have failed because you cannot suspend your disbelief.  that's fine.  that's why a lot of people think fantasy and sci-fi are simple forms of expression, because they remove the real concerns of existence to expose only those limited things the writer wants to deal with.  others think this very fact makes sci-fi and fantasy a superior expression for being concise and exploratory, like the philosopher's thought experiment.  why deal with reality when a hypothetical creates a much more addressable metaphor.

ultimately, some artist's depiction of aliens is immaterial to the story.  now, it may have had an effect on disbelief, interest, and other things, like our notions of what fictional aliens looks like, but that's like arguing whether hobbits have hairy toes or not.  not very interesting, aesthetically.

why do you think homer let odysseus go all crazy out there in fantasy land?  it let the poet address specifically issues of horrible nature (cyclops), drug abuse (lotus eaters), sexual issues (calypso), post traumatic stress disorder (the homecoming party), without having to get as touchy feely as he had to in the Iliad.
 
2013-04-10 01:49:58 PM  

pute kisses like a man: etymology


whoops, epistemology.
 
2013-04-10 01:50:54 PM  

s2s2s2: Yeah, but we made up religion so atheists would have something to blame besides human nature!


And now we are writing hopeful little requests for intervention, help and guidance to powerful "aliens" in the sky that don't exist.

Just another side of the same coin.
 
2013-04-10 01:52:44 PM  

pute kisses like a man: brantgoose: SF short stories seem to be firmly in the moralizing, predictable "idea" line established well before The Twilight Zone and its emulators.

that's why a writer would choose to employ science fiction.  science fiction is a proper vehicle to explore philosophical issues of etymology, metaphysics, certain ethics, etc.  it allows the writer to avoid certain obstacles to his vision by simply ignoring modern constraints on communication, technology, etc.  they get to jump straight to the bottom of the slippery slope and slosh around with impunity.

similar, but contrasted to fantasy, which is much more frequently dealing with ethical concerns about good and evil.  because the vehicle makes those concerns easily identifiable and polarizing.

keep in mind, the little world created is the least important thing.  it's the writing that matters.  now, for you, they have failed because you cannot suspend your disbelief.  that's fine.  that's why a lot of people think fantasy and sci-fi are simple forms of expression, because they remove the real concerns of existence to expose only those limited things the writer wants to deal with.  others think this very fact makes sci-fi and fantasy a superior expression for being concise and exploratory, like the philosopher's thought experiment.  why deal with reality when a hypothetical creates a much more addressable metaphor.

ultimately, some artist's depiction of aliens is immaterial to the story.  now, it may have had an effect on disbelief, interest, and other things, like our notions of what fictional aliens looks like, but that's like arguing whether hobbits have hairy toes or not.  not very interesting, aesthetically.

why do you think homer let odysseus go all crazy out there in fantasy land?  it let the poet address specifically issues of horrible nature (cyclops), drug abuse (lotus eaters), sexual issues (calypso), post traumatic stress disorder (the homecoming party), without having to get as touchy feely as he had ...


That was extremely well written, sir or madam.

+Smart for you
 
2013-04-10 01:54:34 PM  
brantgoose:

It annoys me that fictional aliens are too human, but there's nothing to be done about it except read the better sort of SF literature and ignore the space soaps on TV and in the mo ...

There is the case where current humans are just version 12.3.4 in some on going experiment that keeps adding different alien DNAs to what was originally a bunch of ape-like things that could swim and use tools. Thus humans are just becoming more alien like.
 
2013-04-10 02:04:59 PM  

brantgoose: FloydA: Why do all you aliens look like humans with rubber crap glued to your foreheads and ears?

This is one of my pet peeves. I've often thought of founding a Society for Real Aliens on the basic model of the movement for "Real" Ale.



I'm going to laugh so, so hard when we meet our first alien species and they turn out to be amazingly, alarmingly like sci-fi humanoids, right down to the Star Trek decorative forehead vaginas.

Actually, I figure it's more likely that once we're able to actually get out and explore the universe, we're going to have a hard time finding anything that's as advanced as we are.

Life is now thought by some to have begun only a couple hundred million years after the earth coalesced (cool early earth theory) and it still took 4.3 billion years to come up with anything capable of doing more than banging two rocks together--and this on a planet that almost seems purpose-built to be a species factory, and even then only through an almost impossible series of evolutionary and environmental coincidences. And out of the thousands of human cultures that have arisen, only a handful ever developed advanced mathematics, and of those, only the Western Europeans and Chinese advanced far enough on their own to achieve high technology (and we still ended up dragging the Chinese kicking and screaming into the 20th century).

Combine this with what we know about the history of stellar evolution (only Population I stars have good odds of producing an industrial civilization; older stars were too hot, died too young, or just lacked enough of the necessary heavy elements in their stellar nurseries), and I'd say the picture is pretty bleak for bumping into the Vorlons. Our whole galaxy might have only produced a handful of advanced cultures preceding us, and who knows if they even still exist? If they do, they might have turned inward after reaching their own version of the singularity, and never advanced much beyond integrating themselves into some kind of Matrix reality. The universe is most likely teeming with life, but it won't be the kind of life we're hoping for. I think it's nothing more than a misplaced religious impulse that leads people to believe alien life will be godlike visitors; I think we've got better odds of finding planets full of cavemen.

TL;DR: The Kardashev scale is overly optimistic.
 
2013-04-10 02:08:57 PM  
"Please help."

/slats

Leaving disappointed.
You slackers.
 
2013-04-10 02:11:52 PM  

pute kisses like a man: keep in mind, the little world created is the least important thing.  it's the writing that matters.


Mmm, I think you've neglected that there is a whole subset of SF literature where the world-building is considered more important than some kind of philosophical message.
 
2013-04-10 02:12:18 PM  
"One way ticket, next departing flight, window seat, no luggage."

/ Planet full of crazy people.
 
2013-04-10 02:14:33 PM  
Subby, have I told you lately what a good job you're doing? You are!

/obscure?
 
2013-04-10 02:18:57 PM  
Nuke us from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.
 
2013-04-10 02:20:00 PM  
An alien would probably tell earthlings that getting here is easier than navigating the seattlepi website.
 
2013-04-10 02:21:46 PM  
"I call this next one: Ode To A Small Lump Of Green Putty I Found In My Armpit One Midsummer Morning"
 
2013-04-10 02:24:10 PM  

Cymbal: I don't know, I think we would bore ourselves pretty quickly. If all our needs are taken care of by alien technology what the hell would we do with our lives besides sex/drugs and posting drunken snarky comments on websites? Not saying that's a bad thing, but I think eventually even that would get boring.

\

Hasnt gotten boring yet.

/and World of Warcraft...
 
2013-04-10 02:33:16 PM  
 
2013-04-10 02:34:29 PM  
*sigh* I'm having a bad day. I don't want to talk about it. Anyway, how many star-systems can you name that don't have the letter "c" in them. Also, here's a picture of what I had for breakfast this morning.
 
2013-04-10 02:37:34 PM  

brantgoose: Odoriferous Queef: Can I take your ship for a quick spin to Pluto and back?
That's the 0 - 60 time on that baby?
Would you help me retro fit that engine to my '65 GTO?

/Sorry
//Too much Top Gear.

Reminds me of a cartoon from Punch magazine of two aliens meeting two humans and offering them a go in their space ship in exchange for a go in the human craft. Unfortunately for the future of a deal, the human "space ship" is a Dutch windmill. Chances are, however, humans being what they are, the Dutch couple made off with the space ship, leaving the aliens stranded with the windmill. A good cartoon very often tells a story that extends beyond the panel or panels of the cartoon proper (or improper).

Judging from the number of cartoons by different cartoonists, joy riding in an alien space craft is a fairly common human fantasy. One cartoon shows the aliens and humans getting drunking together while the "King" of the humans has a go in the alien spacecraft. The humans are hobos and their King is clearly drunk out of his skull judging from his erratic flight path.


Drinking certainly makes driving a piddly internal combustion powered vehicle more fun. Can't imagine the rule would be any different for a multi-ton FTL spacecraft with a reactionless drive.
 
2013-04-10 02:40:16 PM  

brantgoose: Judging from the number of cartoons by different cartoonists, joy riding in an alien space craft is a fairly common human fantasy. One cartoon shows the aliens and humans getting drunking together while the "King" of the humans has a go in the alien spacecraft. The humans are hobos and their King is clearly drunk out of his skull judging from his erratic flight path.


And sometimes, the Earthling is a lucky bastard...
 
2013-04-10 02:44:20 PM  
"What's your distance on the Kessel Run?"
 
2013-04-10 02:45:16 PM  
To serve Man? Sure. Get me a glass of water.
 
2013-04-10 02:45:32 PM  

Ned Stark: Drinking certainly makes driving a piddly internal combustion powered vehicle more fun. Can't imagine the rule would be any different for a multi-ton FTL spacecraft with a reactionless drive.


Or on plutonian nyborg.
 
2013-04-10 02:45:47 PM  
Klaatu barada nikto
 
2013-04-10 02:57:42 PM  
The "We are afraid of our propensity for violence" should have been accompanied with "Please save us from ourselves."
 
2013-04-10 03:05:11 PM  
Race/Sex/Star location?
 
2013-04-10 03:21:43 PM  
All the "oh lord, if they're hostile we're doomed" talk is getting the side eyes. Sure or own history is full of Best Toys Win, but there's also a whole mess of Biggest Bastard Wins. And when it comes to being unbelievable bastards, you should always bet on man.
 
2013-04-10 03:25:59 PM  
I will trade you a pint of absinthe for a thermos full of Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.
 
2013-04-10 03:51:58 PM  

Caffandtranqs: The "We are afraid of our propensity for violence" should have been accompanied with "Please save us from ourselves."


We have a Small Talent for War
 
2013-04-10 03:53:42 PM  

rkiller1: Klaatu barada n..*COUGH*......


Or some "N" word....

/Definately an "n" word!!!
 
2013-04-10 03:59:15 PM  

Quantum Apostrophe: Hey aliens, you go the same stuff we do?

[upload.wikimedia.org image 790x450]


Naaw. Lots of Unobtainium, and a little Dilithium. Wanna trade?
 
2013-04-10 04:01:29 PM  

The Irresponsible Captain: Quantum Apostrophe: Hey aliens, you go the same stuff we do?

[upload.wikimedia.org image 790x450]

Naaw. Lots of Unobtainium, and a little Dilithium. Wanna trade?


images.figure.fm

/Crap. Hate it when I lose the image.
 
2013-04-10 04:01:58 PM  

dittybopper: Ned Stark: Drinking certainly makes driving a piddly internal combustion powered vehicle more fun. Can't imagine the rule would be any different for a multi-ton FTL spacecraft with a reactionless drive.

Or on plutonian nyborg.


The trick to flying interstellar space craft while stoned is to just let your hands work the controls as if you are sober....
 
2013-04-10 04:03:31 PM  
I just hope they bring a cure for this burning sensation they left me with from their last visit.

/still wondering why they all spoke mexican
 
2013-04-10 04:07:57 PM  
Welcome to Earth. May I take your order?
 
2013-04-10 04:16:53 PM  
Hey, thanks for submitting and greenlighting this news article.  That's me being interviewed in it.  People having difficulties seeing the themes in the news article might be interested in the chapter and journal article we wrote on this project.  We list the top themes in those, as well.
 
2013-04-10 04:17:39 PM  
We'll make great pets.......
 
2013-04-10 04:29:52 PM  

bim1154: Cymbal: bim1154: Cymbal: Problem with aliens helping us out is we wouldn't know when to say stop. We'd like their space travel technology for sure, but most of their other technology would make our jobs, and therefore our lives, obsolete.

I would guess that any civilization advanced enough to overcome the problems to travel in the universe have also overcome the problems we face every day.  Other than being probed in the ears and ass with a sharp instrument or being used as food, I think we'd be better off in the long run.

I don't know, I think we would bore ourselves pretty quickly. If all our needs are taken care of by alien technology what the hell would we do with our lives besides sex/drugs and posting drunken snarky comments on websites? Not saying that's a bad thing, but I think eventually even that would get boring.

I'd sure give it a try.


Wait.... you mean we aren't doing that now? Did I start too soon?
 
2013-04-10 04:37:12 PM  
Bring back Elvis, please take Eminem.
 
2013-04-10 04:57:32 PM  
blog.seattlepi.com

Starbuck being raped by a zombie? What sort of message are we trying to send these aliens?
 
2013-04-10 05:07:43 PM  
I'm not sure we should say anything.
1. They are at or near our technological level: If they are close enough to build some kind of multi-generational ship there is a danger that they might see us as a threat and decide to 'exterminate' us just in case.

2. They are way beyond our technological level: Even if they're not close they could still see us as a threat or pest and decide to exterminate us.

I would hope technology would make a species more peaceful and intelligent but there is a chance that aliens might retain something like religion (superstition) which would make them emotionally unstable.

It would be interesting to see if, as a species learns more, it could handle the meaningless of life without going 'insane'. Right now the struggle for survival keeps us busy enough not to have to dwell on it. But, what happens when all our needs and even our desires are met? Can we find a reason to keep going? And if so, will it be a rational reason or a batshiat crazy religious/superstitious reason?
 
2013-04-10 05:07:51 PM  

Snarfangel: STOP WITH THE ANAL PROBING! Seriously, it is not funny!


I am sure the Great Leader is some sort of twisted a** freak.

/Kids in the Hall
 
2013-04-10 05:21:42 PM  
 
2013-04-10 05:21:51 PM  

RobSeace: [blog.seattlepi.com image 545x363]

Starbuck being raped by a zombie? What sort of message are we trying to send these aliens?


Starbuck was a man and would never get raped.
 
2013-04-10 05:23:47 PM  
Do you like Star Trek?

Cause aliens steal cable, don't you know?
 
2013-04-10 05:29:20 PM  
"Which end do I talk to?"

"Whatcha got to trade?"

"Have you found Dark Matter? We misplaced it somewhere."

"Don't point that thing at me."

"Take me to your leader."

"Excuse me while I deal violently with these Xenophiles of my own species."

"Beer?"
 
2013-04-10 05:36:49 PM  
We should find a primitive species and broadcast very subtly incorrect math equations at it.
 
2013-04-10 05:52:11 PM  

brantgoose: FloydA: Why do all you aliens look like humans with rubber crap glued to your foreheads and ears?

This is one of my pet peeves. I've often thought of founding a Society for Real Aliens on the basic model of the movement for "Real" Ale.

The truth is that, like most of the conventions of SF, the nature of aliens is determined by the needs of human-story telling and technical limitations. In a SF narrative, you can make the aliens as alien as you like, but they still have to 1) want to steal our Earth women; 2) prize our primitive resources such as gold, air, water, or uranium; and 3) want to have sex, fight or eat us.

In reality our women would be as fugly to the aliens as they are to us, the resources aliens want would be easier to mine from asteroids and comets, and aliens might not want to have sex, fight or eat us because they are simply too alien. Life might evolve in a pocket of anti-matter, or based on silicon, or possibly even in forms that don't involve our kind of biology. It is likely that the molecules of life might be polarized right instead of left on other worlds very much like ours, and thus no matter how much the aliens resembled us, they couldn't eat us because they couldn' metabolize our sugars, proteins, etc.

Aliens might be so alien, not to mention so much smarter than us, that communication wouldn't entertain them, let alone interest them. We might be dumber than their pets. We can communicate with cultures that are tens of thousands of years behind our own in technical and organizational terms, but could we communicate with a Civilization ten million or ten billion years ahead? Mice and dinosaurs and bananas are all close cousins compared to the type of aliens that might be able to travel across interstellar space or take handy shortcuts we don't know about yet.

It annoys me that fictional aliens are too human, but there's nothing to be done about it except read the better sort of SF literature and ignore the space soaps on TV and in the mo ...


This means that Star Wars is clearly superior.

Trek for the slow.
 
2013-04-10 05:55:38 PM  

miniflea: Almost every time one human culture encounters another, the more technologically advanced one destroys the less technologically advanced one.  If we encounter aliens similar enough to us to allow us to communicate or even have any common frame of reference (unlikely) and the aliens are the ones visiting us instead of the other way around, well.... there's no reason to believe that it won't happen to us.


This
 
2013-04-10 06:02:52 PM  

Carousel Beast: That was extremely well written, sir or madam.

+Smart for you


thanks, one of the nicer things anyone has said to me on fark.  and sir.  the name relates to an illegitimate child in the movie fannie and alexander because he kissses the maids like a grown up when he's only 8 years old.  my wife thinks i would have looked like the bastard when i was younger.

Cthulhu_is_my_homeboy: pute kisses like a man: keep in mind, the little world created is the least important thing.  it's the writing that matters.

Mmm, I think you've neglected that there is a whole subset of SF literature where the world-building is considered more important than some kind of philosophical message.


well, I really don't mean to boil down all of aesthetics to a philosophical message, that is merely one part of some people's poesis, and even as such is a difficult thing to define.  I shouldn't have been so clumsy.

but the group you speak of... I did not neglect them on purpose.  I didn't know they existed.

I know there are people who take fictional worlds very seriously.  I took a course on parageography (the very subject of world building), so I might be one of them. but I'd be surprised if even that professor would take only the world over the artwork that includes the world.  why take less?
 
2013-04-10 06:06:14 PM  
1. Cigarette smoking taints the meat. Therefore, massive PR campaign to get us to quit smoking.

2.  For the true believers, the hardcore science fiction fans and space experts in alien xenobiology the question is ignored because, well .... it would be the ultimate buzz kill. Why. The ultimate question.


Why would alien races come to Earth with conquest in mind?


Water?


There's more water in this galaxy than we have numbers to express. Comestibles? It is to laugh. Air? Look around. There are entire super massive celestial bodies made up of basic gases to supply any race. Unguarded, no need to kill and conquer to get at the basic ingredients for atmosphere. Minerals? Get a grip. The asteroid belt alone is richer in both base and exotic metals for the taking than the Earth could ever be and, again, no need to fight the locals for those minerals. Territory? Have you looked into a telescope how big the Universe really is?


What, then? Why would an alien race want to try and conquer a planet where the local population is clearly created for survival of the fittest, breed like rats on crack, is structured to run and fight like hell-spawn demons, has the intelligence to improvise, adapt and overcome and is imbued with an inner sense of cussedness where they just won't lay down and take it. An impossible planet, so impossible the local populations war with each other constantly. What would they be capable of if faced with a common enemy?


Better to go somewhere else where the trade goods aren't infested with war-seeking crazies.

This simple obvious fact doesn't sell movie scripts or hardback science fiction novels or comic books. It's immensely implausible for the Conspiracy Theory communities. And it's just not sexy to ask why would aliens want to try to take over Earth?
 
2013-04-10 06:32:10 PM  
#11. "Suck my cawk, spacewhore!"
 
2013-04-10 06:39:21 PM  
pute kisses like a man:  take only the world over the artwork that includes the world.  why take less?

Well, what I'm really talking about is the fictional world and its mythology taking precedence over any sort of allegory to real life. The setting, in a sense, becomes the story; the act of creating that vibrant fictional world and its history and denizens becomes the purpose of the artwork, rather than serving as window-dressing for a morality tale. The literary equivalent of an Elder Scrolls game (yeah, they have plots, but who actually plays the main quest?)

In the case of hard science fiction, the story, characters and thematic content are usually driven by a world-building exercise in which some scientific fact is altered or taken to the nth degree. Soft sci-fi is usually the opposite, with the driving themes and the character drama determining the properties of the world.
 
2013-04-10 06:41:28 PM  

Clemkadidlefark: Why would alien races come to Earth with conquest in mind?


You missed one: belief, honest belief, that the Earth belongs to them and not us. Manifest Destiny is a hell of a drug.
 
2013-04-10 06:48:08 PM  

Harry Freakstorm: Oh what the hell. One more:

So what did you guys do to Jesus when he came a-calling?


Given that the central premise of Christianity centers around Man killing God, I'd think just handing them a Bible would be enough to send most aliens fleeing in terror.
 
2013-04-10 06:49:27 PM  

MaudlinMutantMollusk: So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure
How amazingly unlikely is your birth
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth


Old School.

The Galaxy Song was recently updated to trail Brian Cox's most recent series - Wonders of Life.

Youtube link.
 
2013-04-10 07:00:21 PM  

AngryDesertDweller: We'll make great pets.......


So back to mandingo fights for some and house pets for others?
 
2013-04-10 07:01:58 PM  

Mouser: Harry Freakstorm: Oh what the hell. One more:

So what did you guys do to Jesus when he came a-calling?

Given that the central premise of Christianity centers around Man killing God, I'd think just handing them a Bible would be enough to send most aliens fleeing in terror.


"Look, we stapled our supreme being to the wall, imagine what we'll do to you."
 
2013-04-10 07:47:37 PM  
I think we are in a system quarantine. I think a galactic permit is required.
 
2013-04-10 07:59:04 PM  

ReverendJynxed: Mouser: Harry Freakstorm: Oh what the hell. One more:

So what did you guys do to Jesus when he came a-calling?

Given that the central premise of Christianity centers around Man killing God, I'd think just handing them a Bible would be enough to send most aliens fleeing in terror.

"Look, we stapled our supreme being to the wall, imagine what we'll do to you."


www.e-forwards.com

/hotness
 
2013-04-10 09:18:48 PM  

Cthulhu_is_my_homeboy: Clemkadidlefark: Why would alien races come to Earth with conquest in mind?

You missed one: belief, honest belief, that the Earth belongs to them and not us. Manifest Destiny is a hell of a drug.


Like the belief that it is rightfully theirs because of their superiority, or the belief that they were here first, and humans are the interlopers?

It would most likely be the former, and I just don't see why they would be interested in conquering us and taking Earth, when millions or even billions of other habitable planets exist that don't have "intelligent" life.

Bottom line is, they would have to be Charles Montgomery Burns level evil as an entire race in order to have the desire to take Earth from us. Just don't see that happening from an advanced form of life.
 
2013-04-10 10:13:34 PM  

Cymbal: Cthulhu_is_my_homeboy: Clemkadidlefark: Why would alien races come to Earth with conquest in mind?

You missed one: belief, honest belief, that the Earth belongs to them and not us. Manifest Destiny is a hell of a drug.

Like the belief that it is rightfully theirs because of their superiority, or the belief that they were here first, and humans are the interlopers?

It would most likely be the former, and I just don't see why they would be interested in conquering us and taking Earth, when millions or even billions of other habitable planets exist that don't have "intelligent" life.

Bottom line is, they would have to be Charles Montgomery Burns level evil as an entire race in order to have the desire to take Earth from us. Just don't see that happening from an advanced form of life.


What if they see us as the death of a planet and would rather just be rid of us so other species have an opportunity to advance.
 
2013-04-11 10:19:20 AM  

Cymbal: Bottom line is, they would have to be Charles Montgomery Burns level evil as an entire race in order to have the desire to take Earth from us. Just don't see that happening from an advanced form of life.


Again with this "aliens must be morally superior" crap. They're not goddamn space angels. Nor are they likely to be space devils.

Not every single human is evil, and yet we've done some horrific things to outgroups for reasons ranging from simple greed to religious fervor to belief in racial supremacy. Fundamentally, we're cavemen running around with lasers and nuclear weapons. Religion isn't going anywhere. Crime isn't going anywhere. There is absolutely no reason to believe aliens should have "evolved beyond" these things.

Look up the history of the US occupation of the Phillippines if you want to see a plausible scenario for an alien invasion: a tragic combination of "we're in the way" and "it's for our own good".
 
Displayed 120 of 120 comments

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »
On Twitter





In Other Media


  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.

Report