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(SeattlePI)   'Please help' and the 8 other things Earthlings want to say to extraterrestrials ... Turns out, we're a fairly self-obsessed bunch   (blog.seattlepi.com) divider line 120
    More: Interesting, earthlings, SETI Institute, Tim Lower, University of Alaska  
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5341 clicks; posted to Main » on 10 Apr 2013 at 12:17 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-04-10 11:04:08 AM
I told them we're made of meat.
 
2013-04-10 11:18:40 AM
"we taste bad!"
 
2013-04-10 11:41:52 AM
Hey baby.. what are you wearing?
 
2013-04-10 12:04:44 PM
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure
How amazingly unlikely is your birth
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth
 
2013-04-10 12:06:16 PM
"Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?"
 
2013-04-10 12:07:19 PM
Why do all you aliens look like humans with rubber crap glued to your foreheads and ears?
 
2013-04-10 12:08:46 PM
Let me show you all about this earth thing called "love."
 
2013-04-10 12:11:49 PM
Welcome to Earf
 
2013-04-10 12:12:08 PM
All Natural #erbal V!@gra!!! Please her in bed Genuine all natural pharma Ceutical the Secret big Pharmacies dont want u 2 Know!  OrDer Now!
 
2013-04-10 12:20:16 PM
STOP WITH THE ANAL PROBING! Seriously, it is not funny!
 
2013-04-10 12:22:05 PM
Do you have a problem with hairballs?

/whoops, wrong "ask question" thread
 
2013-04-10 12:25:20 PM
Get me off this miserable rock.
 
2013-04-10 12:25:38 PM
So you come to this planet often?
 
2013-04-10 12:26:54 PM
Can I take your ship for a quick spin to Pluto and back?
That's the 0 - 60 time on that baby?
Would you help me retro fit that engine to my '65 GTO?

/Sorry
//Too much Top Gear.
 
2013-04-10 12:27:54 PM
So... What brings you to the asylum known as earth?
 
2013-04-10 12:30:53 PM

Deep Contact: Get me off this miserable rock.


Hey, this is a great rock. Very fine minerals. The surface bacteria are pretty farking annoying though.
 
2013-04-10 12:36:00 PM
This worked, at least for a while, when Spanish explorers came calling:

"We don't have much gold/sexy/dilithium here, but they have loads of it on the fourth planet and the asteroids are practically made of the stuff."
 
2013-04-10 12:38:16 PM
Run and hide, because the monsters are coming - the human race.
 
GBB
2013-04-10 12:40:10 PM

MaudlinMutantMollusk: So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure
How amazingly unlikely is your birth
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth


Burmashave
 
2013-04-10 12:41:45 PM
Dear ET.  Please kill everyone on Earth that does not agree with my opinion.
Kill my first ex wife twice.
 
2013-04-10 12:42:32 PM
The people on Alpha Centauri said you guys were pussies. If you ever came around them, they'd beat you like a red headed stepchild.
 
2013-04-10 12:45:06 PM
Welcome to the Stuckeys of the universe. Those specials that you saw on the billboard out past Mars? Yeah. We're out of them. Yeah. We don't got none of them 99 cent pecan logs but we gots lots of the $2.99 ones.
 
2013-04-10 12:49:00 PM
The people in the following cities will try to kill you so use your death ray and destroy New York, Washington DC, Detroit, Seattle, New Orleans, Chicago and Los Angeles.  I'll add to this list later.
 
2013-04-10 12:49:35 PM
You are in violation of the Prime Directive. You are visiting a pre-warp planet and have infected us with an unnatural thirst for technology. Or something. You are hereby ordered to turn over your ship, you weapons and your hotter females to me. I didn't write the Prime Directive even though it's known as the Harry Freakstorm Prime Directive, I just try and follow the parts of it that benefit me. So, show me how your toilet flushes, where the shifter for the warp drive is and un-ass that spaceship,
 
2013-04-10 12:50:08 PM
Yeah, but we made up religion so atheists would have something to blame besides human nature!
 
2013-04-10 12:51:43 PM
"Enslave Canada or Holland first."
 
2013-04-10 12:52:13 PM
Oh what the hell. One more:

So what did you guys do to Jesus when he came a-calling?
 
2013-04-10 12:53:03 PM
did anyone else find that webpage to be an unholy abortion in need of being destroyed by fire?
gave up trying to even find the slide show and just figured that if aliens found that page they would flee for their lives rather than read it
 
2013-04-10 12:53:48 PM
Problem with aliens helping us out is we wouldn't know when to say stop. We'd like their space travel technology for sure, but most of their other technology would make our jobs, and therefore our lives, obsolete.
 
2013-04-10 12:54:55 PM
"So, where's the chick with 3 knockers?"
 
2013-04-10 12:55:08 PM
Fermi: Why don't you call?
 
2013-04-10 12:56:44 PM
well, being only able to communicate with ourselves for all of recorded history will do that to a species
 
2013-04-10 12:56:49 PM

Cymbal: Problem with aliens helping us out is we wouldn't know when to say stop. We'd like their space travel technology for sure, but most of their other technology would make our jobs, and therefore our lives, obsolete.


I would guess that any civilization advanced enough to overcome the problems to travel in the universe have also overcome the problems we face every day.  Other than being probed in the ears and ass with a sharp instrument or being used as food, I think we'd be better off in the long run.
 
2013-04-10 01:00:04 PM
Where's your sex hole?
 
2013-04-10 01:01:16 PM
Hey aliens, you go the same stuff we do?

upload.wikimedia.org
 
2013-04-10 01:02:41 PM

Odoriferous Queef: Can I take your ship for a quick spin to Pluto and back?
That's the 0 - 60 time on that baby?
Would you help me retro fit that engine to my '65 GTO?

/Sorry
//Too much Top Gear.


Reminds me of a cartoon from Punch magazine of two aliens meeting two humans and offering them a go in their space ship in exchange for a go in the human craft. Unfortunately for the future of a deal, the human "space ship" is a Dutch windmill. Chances are, however, humans being what they are, the Dutch couple made off with the space ship, leaving the aliens stranded with the windmill. A good cartoon very often tells a story that extends beyond the panel or panels of the cartoon proper (or improper).

Judging from the number of cartoons by different cartoonists, joy riding in an alien space craft is a fairly common human fantasy. One cartoon shows the aliens and humans getting drunking together while the "King" of the humans has a go in the alien spacecraft. The humans are hobos and their King is clearly drunk out of his skull judging from his erratic flight path.
 
2013-04-10 01:03:35 PM
The concept that extraterrestrials have a language that involves the exchange of symbols (just like us) is alien to me.

Since they are just like us, why not just ask them for a good Enchilada recipe.
 
2013-04-10 01:06:58 PM

bim1154: Cymbal: Problem with aliens helping us out is we wouldn't know when to say stop. We'd like their space travel technology for sure, but most of their other technology would make our jobs, and therefore our lives, obsolete.

I would guess that any civilization advanced enough to overcome the problems to travel in the universe have also overcome the problems we face every day.  Other than being probed in the ears and ass with a sharp instrument or being used as food, I think we'd be better off in the long run.


I don't know, I think we would bore ourselves pretty quickly. If all our needs are taken care of by alien technology what the hell would we do with our lives besides sex/drugs and posting drunken snarky comments on websites? Not saying that's a bad thing, but I think eventually even that would get boring.
 
2013-04-10 01:07:19 PM

namatad: did anyone else find that webpage to be an unholy abortion in need of being destroyed by fire?
gave up trying to even find the slide show and just figured that if aliens found that page they would flee for their lives rather than read it


THIS
 
2013-04-10 01:07:31 PM
Basically... RUN !
 
2013-04-10 01:08:20 PM
Can we have Elvis and Glenn Miller back now?
 
2013-04-10 01:08:53 PM
I for one welcome our 3 breasted alien overlords.
 
2013-04-10 01:09:08 PM
'Where's my flying car?'
 
2013-04-10 01:10:27 PM

Cymbal: bim1154: Cymbal: Problem with aliens helping us out is we wouldn't know when to say stop. We'd like their space travel technology for sure, but most of their other technology would make our jobs, and therefore our lives, obsolete.

I would guess that any civilization advanced enough to overcome the problems to travel in the universe have also overcome the problems we face every day.  Other than being probed in the ears and ass with a sharp instrument or being used as food, I think we'd be better off in the long run.

I don't know, I think we would bore ourselves pretty quickly. If all our needs are taken care of by alien technology what the hell would we do with our lives besides sex/drugs and posting drunken snarky comments on websites? Not saying that's a bad thing, but I think eventually even that would get boring.


I'd sure give it a try.
 
2013-04-10 01:14:56 PM
a4.ec-images.myspacecdn.com
 
2013-04-10 01:17:35 PM
"How do you like the harmonica?"


/Obscure?
 
2013-04-10 01:19:44 PM
#9 - would you like a glass of water?
 
2013-04-10 01:20:28 PM

FloydA: Why do all you aliens look like humans with rubber crap glued to your foreheads and ears?


This is one of my pet peeves. I've often thought of founding a Society for Real Aliens on the basic model of the movement for "Real" Ale.

The truth is that, like most of the conventions of SF, the nature of aliens is determined by the needs of human-story telling and technical limitations. In a SF narrative, you can make the aliens as alien as you like, but they still have to 1) want to steal our Earth women; 2) prize our primitive resources such as gold, air, water, or uranium; and 3) want to have sex, fight or eat us.

In reality our women would be as fugly to the aliens as they are to us, the resources aliens want would be easier to mine from asteroids and comets, and aliens might not want to have sex, fight or eat us because they are simply too alien. Life might evolve in a pocket of anti-matter, or based on silicon, or possibly even in forms that don't involve our kind of biology. It is likely that the molecules of life might be polarized right instead of left on other worlds very much like ours, and thus no matter how much the aliens resembled us, they couldn't eat us because they couldn' metabolize our sugars, proteins, etc.

Aliens might be so alien, not to mention so much smarter than us, that communication wouldn't entertain them, let alone interest them. We might be dumber than their pets. We can communicate with cultures that are tens of thousands of years behind our own in technical and organizational terms, but could we communicate with a Civilization ten million or ten billion years ahead? Mice and dinosaurs and bananas are all close cousins compared to the type of aliens that might be able to travel across interstellar space or take handy shortcuts we don't know about yet.

It annoys me that fictional aliens are too human, but there's nothing to be done about it except read the better sort of SF literature and ignore the space soaps on TV and in the movies.

I watch some SF but for the most part am not a dedicated fan of TV space soaps. Even much of the more "serious" non-franchise stuff is so silly and trite I lose interest after the first five minutes give away the premise and the plot. Having read a lot of SF and EC comics in my youth (and re-read a lot since), I pretty much know what happens next.

SF short stories seem to be firmly in the moralizing, predictable "idea" line established well before The Twilight Zone and its emulators.

The in-story explanation for the strikingly similar body plans for all these alien races is that they are, in fact, related to each other, having been bio-engineered or evolved from a common ancestral race that traveled the galaxy a few million years ago. The humans, Romulans, Vulcans, and Klingons all form a Darwinian family tree or else were the result of planet-seeding and parallel evolution or convergence.

In reality, however, it's basically a matter of how big a make-up, costume, and special effects budget the producers are willing to provide, and how patient or smart they think the audience is.
 
2013-04-10 01:21:58 PM
Almost every time one human culture encounters another, the more technologically advanced one destroys the less technologically advanced one.  If we encounter aliens similar enough to us to allow us to communicate or even have any common frame of reference (unlikely) and the aliens are the ones visiting us instead of the other way around, well.... there's no reason to believe that it won't happen to us.
 
2013-04-10 01:25:01 PM
#10: Please use your orbital death rays on whoever invented website slideshows
 
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