Vidal Sassoon's final heir cut, FBI searches for missing Brown student-finally, and Bud Light goes after those who like it in the can: some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 3/24 - 3/30
Posted by Unfreakable at 2013-04-03 3:46:18 PM (2 comments) | Permalink
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A bit late this week, sorry for the delay.
Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2013-03-24 to Sat 2013-03-30:
Vidal Sassoon's will reveals one final heir cut
Undocumented immigrant uses video game account to gain citizenship. This is not a repeat from The Last Starfighter
Actual headline: "FBI joins search for missing Brown student". There's a first time for everything, I suppose
Secret Service: Strong enough for a man, but directed by a woman
Notre Dame Cathedral installs new bells for the first time since the 19th century, finally alleviating disfiguring back problems for their bell ringers
Bill Gates pledges to re-invent the condom. Because Bill Gates has such a great track record preventing viruses with his products
Herpes virus now leads to memory loss. Especially when you have it and your spouse wants to know where you got it
Thirty-five legislators are co-sponsoring a marijuana legalization bill in Maine, pointing out that after a long day of dealing with vampires, aliens, rabid dogs, evil clowns, and the Devil, sometimes you just really need to light one up
Man tries to kill woman by putting poison in her shoes - thereby becoming her arch nemesis
Man shoots, kills cougar he says was following him. All she wanted was a date
Apparently really going for that "rebel Pope" image, Pope Francis breaks Church law and washes the feet of *gasp* GIRLS on during Holy Thursday services. No word on when he's replacing the Popemobile with a Harley
Media experts say that the Tiger Woods/Lindsey Vonn relationship is a publicity stunt, Tiger still wants a better score on a different hole
Tim McCarver to leave Fox after 2013. What that means is, he will not be broadcasting on Fox after this year, he will 'retire' from doing games for the network. Retire is a five-letter word. His good friend Bob Gibson retired from baseball in 1975
Two in the pink, one in the Final Four
Experts warn that North Korea is training elite teams of "cyberwarriors", who have access to sophisticated technology including modems capable of connecting at up to 2400 baud and processors that can reach speeds as high as 24mhz
Socially isolated people have higher likelihood of death; lower likelihood of being missed
Something is killing half of America's bees. Looks like Davros is trying to steal the planet again
Dionne Warwick bankrupt. If only she had some friends who could've helped her see this coming
Jesse James hopes to find happiness marrying a drag racing bride, although his past marriages were also fueled by alcohol, started fast and were done in six seconds
"Louie, Louie" singer nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, although his acceptance speech will be recorded, slowed down, examined for double entendres
Sturgeon to outline economic case for Scottish independence; won't hint on whether he will swim upstream, cut through the bureaucracy, or go with the flow
Scalia wonders if same-sex marriages are harmful to children, forgets that *all* marriages are the same sex. Year...after year...after year....goddamn, do I need a hooker or something
Satirist facing arrest for lampooning Muslim President. Told you Obama would show you his true colors during his second term, libs
Lululemon's policy for issuing refunds for recalled yoga pants is to have the woman bend over while wearing their pants so the clerk can determine if they are sheer enough to qualify. That, or Lululemon has the most gullible customers on the planet
Bud Light goes after those who like it in their can
Bank of America CEO says he would like to have his job for life. Stockholders immediately agree that he should serve a life sentence
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