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(Craigslist)   The comedy gold that is "missed connections"   (houston.craigslist.org) divider line 94
    More: Weird, missed connection  
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20366 clicks; posted to Main » on 29 Mar 2013 at 11:21 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-03-29 01:27:13 PM

sethen320: ChipNASA: Skarekrough: My claim to fame is having one of my posts become a "Best Of."

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/98847227.html

Blocked at work....can someone post or is it TLFF?? (Too long For Fark?)

An open letter to a fruitflyDear Fruitfly,

I understand your proclivity to hang around the office. Things can get pretty messy around here and when it gets busy it's pretty likely a banana or apple will sit too long and be a haven for you and your hundred other friends that have infested the office.

And I hope you enjoyed your stay up until the past few days when I cleaned things up a bit and you probably saw you and your offsprings lifespan come to a grinding halt.

I know we have been at odds, and nothing was more obvious than when I took a swipe at you as you dive-bombed the hot cup of coffee I'd just poured for myself. I was potecting my livelihood, my coffee and you were drawn to the heat...or whatever. Either way we were at odds again and I really felt it was a nice setup for us; my non-caffeinated swipes were artfully dodged. Indeed, you probably had the upper hand.

But drowning yourself in my coffee was uncalled for you farking prick. By the time I saw your carcass make the tiny splashdown to my unsuccessful attempts to fish your cadaver out with my finger I realized you'd made a crucial step in our relationship with little to no consideration for what my recourse could possibly be.

As the Father of a newborn I operate on a few very vital elements these days; coffee and mostly bad Discovery Channel reruns. The reruns can come and go. But the coffee...oh you're farking with something sacred now.

Consider the family you know and love in this office dead. You'll be meeting them in Fruitfly heaven. Ask them how I nuked the kitchen with Bleach and then put up no-fly strips. Ask them about the WD-40 and the lighter.

You worthless prick...death is too farking good for you. Even though I dumped your cadaver down the sink I'm half tempted to turn t ...


meh.
 
2013-03-29 01:29:27 PM

Snarcoleptic_Hoosier: Picking up chicks with a Ouija board. This is a new strategy.


They always seemed kind of flimsy to me.  If you're really going to want to knock her off her feet, you're going to need to use something with a little more heft to it.  Two-by-fours are a solid choice, but it's way too easy to over swing with them, and then that date you were so looking forward to having has suddenly turned into a body dump.
 
2013-03-29 01:33:55 PM
She can't say "No..."

/At least he had the respect to not defile her body while she watched from above.
 
2013-03-29 01:36:35 PM

Skyday: She can't say "No..."

/At least he had the respect to not defile her body while she watched from above.


I don't know.  That sounds kind of hot to me.

Way better than the webcams I have set up, at least.
 
2013-03-29 01:36:36 PM
i've considered using missed connections before, but i figure it's a waste of time.  has anyone ever tracked down a missed connection through craigslist?  it seems like the odds would be ridiculously high that the person you're looking for would happen to stumble upon your craigslist ad and you could find them that way.
 
2013-03-29 01:38:18 PM

enderthexenocide: i've considered using missed connections before, but i figure it's a waste of time.  has anyone ever tracked down a missed connection through craigslist?  it seems like the odds would be ridiculously high that the person you're looking for would happen to stumble upon your craigslist ad and you could find them that way.


I doubt they are ridiculously high...probably ridiculously nonexistent.
 
2013-03-29 01:38:20 PM

enderthexenocide: i've considered using missed connections before, but i figure it's a waste of time.  has anyone ever tracked down a missed connection through craigslist?  it seems like the odds would be ridiculously high that the person you're looking for would happen to stumble upon your craigslist ad and you could find them that way.


If you really want to keep yourself up at nights, you should start thinking that, maybe, someone out there wrote a missed connection about YOU, and you just haven't found it yet.
 
2013-03-29 01:45:10 PM
 
2013-03-29 01:46:58 PM
enderthexenocide:

Yeah, kinda. Once upon a time a cashier and I flirted a little bit, and being really mad at my then-wife I wrote cashier a cute note in Missed Connections thanking her for making my day.

Next time I stopped in the store she let me know she got the message and started to act CREEPY AS ALL HELL. I ran away as fast as I could.
 
2013-03-29 01:47:41 PM

Skarekrough: My claim to fame is having one of my posts become a "Best Of."

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/98847227.html


I think I love you.
 
2013-03-29 01:48:09 PM

Vodka Zombie: To the bastard who killed my father and my family,

I understand you had your reasons for doing what you did.  You see us as pests.  You believe you live above us in a vast world that teams with so much life, it is possible that you will never be able to fully grasp all that exists around you.  But, I need you to know that those you murdered were loved and held dear to me.

We were happy when father moved us from our dumpster-dwelling life in this city's back alleys to a sweet, climate-controlled office gig.  We were so proud of him for finally achieving the executive status we knew he deserved.  The food was much fresher as office scraps tend to be when people of your station eat in haste with their busy lives.  Indeed, there was more to go around than our large family could consume, and, many times, I thought about going back to the dumpster of my youth to tell my friends that we had found our little slice of heaven.  Mother, on the other hand, told us not to share.  "They'll come in droves, and they'll have this place fumigated if you invite everyone you know," she always said.

So, we kept our secret, and we were happy in our lives behind Janice's desk.  Our family grew with our father's success.  We grew by so many.  So many children, I can't even count them all.  I don't know how father managed it.  It must have taken a toll.  Raising thousands of offspring is no small feat, as I'm sure you're well aware.  After all, as a father yourself, I'm sure your one or two children take a lot out of you.

My father wasn't a perfect fruit-fly.  He had his demons, but he kept them from inferring with his love for us.  There was the time he found some crumbs of Janice's rum cake from the holiday party where you photocopied your face.  He wasn't the same after that.  The monkey was on his back, and with so many children, he had no choice but to turn to coffee.  It started with a few drops that Paul was always dripping by the machine, but soon that wasn't enough.

I'm surpri ...


Plus eleventy. Would read again.
 
2013-03-29 01:49:41 PM
Friday afternoon.Time to crack open a cold one.
 
2013-03-29 01:49:59 PM

scottydoesntknow: Mikey1969: I hope they have keyboards in heaven so you can write me back.

Is he writing this to the corpse, or something?

Yep. Pretty soon people will be wanting to marry dead bodies!


Just get the Supreme Court to redefine marriage and it's a done deal!  If an unborn fetus is a "human" then why isn't fresh corpse meat likewise a viable person, especially since some people rise from the dead after three days?
/Happy Easter!
 
2013-03-29 01:51:33 PM

pravetz8c: Skarekrough: My claim to fame is having one of my posts become a "Best Of."

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/98847227.html

Too long.  Don't have the attention span necessary to read it.


Don't worry, it wasn't very original or amusing.
 
2013-03-29 01:55:08 PM
All you have to do is kill the deceased's family member, and chances are the same people will show up to mourn.

/thought everyone knew that
 
2013-03-29 01:57:01 PM
enderthexenocide:

Also please keep in mind that it's close to impossible to write a serious missed connection thing without being pathetic as hell.

Think about it -- would a truly worthy object of anyone's affection be likely to respond to something as wussy as a Craigslist missed connection post? What does it say about the writer -- 'hey, I'm a coward with no interpersonal skills'?? It's better to just grow a pair and be honest and upfront upon first meeting instead of slinking back to your keyboard in fear.
 
2013-03-29 01:58:44 PM

Vodka Zombie: To the bastard who killed my father and my family,

I understand you had your reasons for doing what you did.  You see us as pests.  You believe you live above us in a vast world that teams with so much life, it is possible that you will never be able to fully grasp all that exists around you.  But, I need you to know that those you murdered were loved and held dear to me.

We were happy when father moved us from our dumpster-dwelling life in this city's back alleys to a sweet, climate-controlled office gig.  We were so proud of him for finally achieving the executive status we knew he deserved.  The food was much fresher as office scraps tend to be when people of your station eat in haste with their busy lives.  Indeed, there was more to go around than our large family could consume, and, many times, I thought about going back to the dumpster of my youth to tell my friends that we had found our little slice of heaven.  Mother, on the other hand, told us not to share.  "They'll come in droves, and they'll have this place fumigated if you invite everyone you know," she always said.

So, we kept our secret, and we were happy in our lives behind Janice's desk.  Our family grew with our father's success.  We grew by so many.  So many children, I can't even count them all.  I don't know how father managed it.  It must have taken a toll.  Raising thousands of offspring is no small feat, as I'm sure you're well aware.  After all, as a father yourself, I'm sure your one or two children take a lot out of you.

My father wasn't a perfect fruit-fly.  He had his demons, but he kept them from inferring with his love for us.  There was the time he found some crumbs of Janice's rum cake from the holiday party where you photocopied your face.  He wasn't the same after that.  The monkey was on his back, and with so many children, he had no choice but to turn to coffee.  It started with a few drops that Paul was always dripping by the machine, but soon that wasn't enough.

I'm surpri ...


Bravo!! Second only to Archy the cockroach  in insect literary efforts.
 
2013-03-29 02:01:00 PM

Mikey1969: I hope they have keyboards in heaven so you can write me back.

Is he writing this to the corpse, or something?




i356.photobucket.com
 
2013-03-29 02:02:47 PM

Vodka Zombie: Snarcoleptic_Hoosier: Picking up chicks with a Ouija board. This is a new strategy.

They always seemed kind of flimsy to me.  If you're really going to want to knock her off her feet, you're going to need to use something with a little more heft to it.  Two-by-fours are a solid choice, but it's way too easy to over swing with them, and then that date you were so looking forward to having has suddenly turned into a body dump.


Meh, corpses are like food dropped on the floor. Five minute rule.
 
2013-03-29 02:08:32 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KLMqy7EsRE

Best missed connection collection ever.
 
2013-03-29 02:15:01 PM
 
2013-03-29 02:17:45 PM

Mole Man: [i.imgur.com image 850x562]

/hot link!


That was brilliant.
 
2013-03-29 02:24:09 PM

Mole Man: [i.imgur.com image 850x562]

/hot link!


Genius.
 
2013-03-29 02:32:19 PM

phaseolus: enderthexenocide:

Yeah, kinda. Once upon a time a cashier and I flirted a little bit, and being really mad at my then-wife I wrote cashier a cute note in Missed Connections thanking her for making my day.

Next time I stopped in the store she let me know she got the message and started to act CREEPY AS ALL HELL. I ran away as fast as I could.


Hey, what city is that in? I have to write a Missed Connections one-Farker-removed.
 
2013-03-29 02:45:19 PM
The only time I've posted in Missed Connections, it went something like this:
Me: Jogging shirtless in the afternoon, nice head of hair bouncing, skeletal physique sweating out the few pounds of flesh I have.
You: Two girls in the front of a car driving and asking appreciatively if I needed a ride, driving home after HS.

Just one problem kids: You didn't notice the sasquatch man-fur all over my body which tells you I'm old enough to have kids your age. Now I like the looks, and the attitude, of you both. But sadly we're going to have to wait until you're old enough that your parents won't react like I just broke their thinnest China plates.

And to the kid in the back seat yelling "Sorry! They're assholes! Sorry!" you're a funny young man. I hope you're farking both of them, I hope that's what you were doing riding home with them. I like you - you're allowed to fark my future concubines. But only until the end of the schoolyear when they become my property.
 
2013-03-29 02:52:23 PM
When I was single and living in the big city, I read Missed Connections religiously like the lonely doof I was.

One time I had a close call, but it turned out it was about another woman at work who vaguely resembled me ...
 
2013-03-29 03:32:55 PM

Vodka Zombie: To the bastard who killed my father and my family,

I understand you had your reasons for doing what you did.  You see us as pests.  You believe you live above us in a vast world that teams with so much life, it is possible that you will never be able to fully grasp all that exists around you.  But, I need you to know that those you murdered were loved and held dear to me.

We were happy when father moved us from our dumpster-dwelling life in this city's back alleys to a sweet, climate-controlled office gig.  We were so proud of him for finally achieving the executive status we knew he deserved.  The food was much fresher as office scraps tend to be when people of your station eat in haste with their busy lives.  Indeed, there was more to go around than our large family could consume, and, many times, I thought about going back to the dumpster of my youth to tell my friends that we had found our little slice of heaven.  Mother, on the other hand, told us not to share.  "They'll come in droves, and they'll have this place fumigated if you invite everyone you know," she always said.

So, we kept our secret, and we were happy in our lives behind Janice's desk.  Our family grew with our father's success.  We grew by so many.  So many children, I can't even count them all.  I don't know how father managed it.  It must have taken a toll.  Raising thousands of offspring is no small feat, as I'm sure you're well aware.  After all, as a father yourself, I'm sure your one or two children take a lot out of you.

My father wasn't a perfect fruit-fly.  He had his demons, but he kept them from inferring with his love for us.  There was the time he found some crumbs of Janice's rum cake from the holiday party where you photocopied your face.  He wasn't the same after that.  The monkey was on his back, and with so many children, he had no choice but to turn to coffee.  It started with a few drops that Paul was always dripping by the machine, but soon that wasn't enough.

I'm surpri ...


This, and the original, calls for The Mekons
 
2013-03-29 03:43:06 PM
Then of course, there was the Frenchman who was had up in court on a charge of necrophilia.

When asked to plead, he said, "Not guilty your honor. I thought she was English!"
 
2013-03-29 03:45:09 PM

pravetz8c: Skarekrough: My claim to fame is having one of my posts become a "Best Of."

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/98847227.html

Too long.  Don't have the attention span necessary to read it.


That meme really creeps me out. Is there a more flattering way to parse it than pravetz8c's bragging about being a slow reader?

//Serious question, not a troll. I'm autistic and sometimes I miss the joke. :)
 
2013-03-29 03:56:42 PM
Dearest GameStop Girl,

When I walked into your store that fateful Tuesday, I expected only to find a smattering of half-decent titles tucked back there amongst the used 360 games. Instead I found you, surrounded by a beam of light, halfway between Assassin's Creed and Call of Duty 3. Your gorgeous dark hair was radiant in contrast with the rainbow of colors on the deluxe Bioshock behind you. The Game of the Year held no interest for me when I saw you look up and smile, even though both could hold me in Rapture.

You commanded the register when it was my turn to check out with the Orange Box. Yes, I was finally getting to play Portal. Lucky me, you said with the cutest smile. Lucky me, I thought, and then knew you had the Portal to my heart. I could care less if the cake is a lie, I'd still want to share it with you.

Oh GameStop Girl, how you make my heart meter skip a beat. If you were being held captive in a mountain fortress by a ruthless mutant mafia gangboss and I had to fight my way through 16 levels of fire-breathing undead ninjas with swords the size of small ponies, I would find a way, even if, after every level, a small man continued to taunt me by saying that you were in another castle. EVEN IF.

So, yes, GameStop Girl, I want to kill robotic zombie terrorists with you. You can even have the deluxe shotgun with explosive scattershot. I'll just use this knife over here. I'll do anything for you, just for the small, slightest chance that someday - someday - you and me could be a Wii.
 
2013-03-29 04:12:37 PM

phaseolus: enderthexenocide:

Yeah, kinda. Once upon a time a cashier and I flirted a little bit, and being really mad at my then-wife I wrote cashier a cute note in Missed Connections thanking her for making my day.

Next time I stopped in the store she let me know she got the message and started to act CREEPY AS ALL HELL. I ran away as fast as I could.


was she hot?
 
2013-03-29 04:21:09 PM

blatz514: violetvolume: I love missed connections so much.  I read them all the time-- there are some real gems.

Like this one:  http://pittsburgh.craigslist.org/mis/3675480392.html

I read that in Bruce's voice

[steeshes.files.wordpress.com image 850x639]


farking hilarious!!
 
2013-03-29 04:25:15 PM

shiate: was she hot?


Try to picture a female Joe Lieberman.
 
2013-03-29 04:26:13 PM

Mole Man: [i.imgur.com image 850x562]

/hot link!



I can't remember the last time I read something that funny.
 
2013-03-29 04:27:56 PM
Say what you want about her being creepy. You are the one who posted about her.
 
2013-03-29 04:49:48 PM

Vodka Zombie: To the bastard who killed my father and my family,



My name is Inigo Fruitfloya....
 
2013-03-29 05:04:31 PM

phaseolus: shiate: was she hot?

Try to picture a female Joe Lieberman.


Say what you want about her being creepy. You are the one who posted about her.

/screwed it up the first time
 
2013-03-29 05:07:04 PM

walkerhound: Wonder if the author lost his wife, and wrote this as an outlet to grieve.  And here you all are making light of it.


That's a pretty creepy way to grieve, but I guess it beats posting He-Man slash fiction about her in /b/.
 
2013-03-29 05:50:08 PM
i.qkme.me
 
2013-03-29 05:51:59 PM
The best line was...."the center of attention"
 
2013-03-29 10:08:15 PM
I've never seen myself mentioned in missed connections. *sigh*

Though I did once cause a car accident once with my exceptional attractiveness, so that's something, I suppose. I was walking home from the gym and a woman driving towards me was so busy checking me out that she rear-ended the car in front of her. I was just a little bump, nothing serious. I was rather flattered.

/Of course, I suppose she could have just been struck dumb by my terrible fashion-sense.
//Not everybody with a 13 and a half dick can carry-off neon yellow spandex bike shorts.
 
2013-03-30 02:35:00 AM

walkerhound: Wonder if the author lost his wife, and wrote this as an outlet to grieve.  And here you all are making light of it.


welcome to fark
 
2013-03-30 02:37:44 AM

Skarekrough: My claim to fame is having one of my posts become a "Best Of."

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/98847227.html


that was awesome
 
2013-03-30 01:15:26 PM

UncleStumpy: walkerhound: Wonder if the author lost his wife, and wrote this as an outlet to grieve.  And here you all are making light of it.

welcome to fark


Yeah - I almost posted the picture myself.
 
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