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(Slate)   My partner suffered a severe stroke. How soon can I leave her?   (slate.com) divider line 58
    More: Sad, Emily Yoffe, medical system, strokes  
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15507 clicks; posted to Main » on 28 Mar 2013 at 7:45 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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Archived thread
2013-03-28 06:30:56 PM
11 votes:
Newt?
2013-03-28 07:43:08 PM
9 votes:
When my younger sister was 30 years old, while she and I were on vacation together she suffered a massive stroke which left her unable to use the left side of her body. After she came out of surgery the doctor told me she would probably never be able to use her left arm. She learned to walk again and while she'll never be a concert pianist, that arm now works. At the time her marriage was on the rocks, but her husband came home to help. The reconciliation failed, she says in part because she didn't want someone who was there, as he was, out of pity. When I talked to her about your story, she had no words of condemnation for you. She said that you two being together for a little over a year was pretty light for something this heavy, and she understood that it's particularly hard for a young person. There's a lot of pain for both the stroke survivor and the caretaker. But three months out is too early to judge the extent of your fiancée's possible recovery. (She also highly recommends the book Stronger After Stroke: Your Roadmap to Recovery by Peter G. Levine.) Even if you ultimately decide you can't stay in the relationship, you still might be able to remain a close, supportive friend. You could also use a therapist of your own to help you work through what you can and can't do. I hope in time the days get easier. And as they go by, keep checking in with yourself and ask, "What would I expect and want her to do if our situations were reversed?"

That's ... that's pretty good advice.
2013-03-28 08:16:52 PM
8 votes:

redsquid: He's concerned about how this will affect his son's comfort in his last few years living at home but he's not concerned about what kind of lesson his leaving would be for his son? I hope this is fake.


Yea, my best friend's dad did this- divorced his wife soon after she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Meant my friend spent most of his teen years living alone with his mother while her health declined. He's the one that had to learn how to transfer her into her wheelchair and how to sort her meds, and he gave up a lot of social time to ferry her to doctors appointments.

You can imagine how he feels about his dad's decision. Granted, this is different since the woman isn't his child's mother, but still- it's a pretty dreadful example to set- that people are disposable when they get inconvenient.
2013-03-28 07:52:10 PM
7 votes:
Assuming it's fake; the real answer to this is: Clearly you two are NOT soul mates if a stroke could make you contemplate leaving her (or him). If you love somebody like that, then you'd want to stay with them forever and more if they needed you like that. If a bad illness or disability makes you want to bail immediately, then obviously the love is not there, and you may as well leave now as later. The longer you stay, the more the disabled person will need you, and that's not fair to either one of you. And who knows, maybe THEY don't love YOU either, and would be just as glad if you were gone.

That said, yeah, nobody could have that much trouble-free drama in their life.
2013-03-28 06:56:17 PM
7 votes:
He is 40 years old, they met a year and a half ago, and he might potentially spend another 40 years with no real relationship? Granted, a man who could set that situation aside and take care of the woman would win all sorts of kudos in my book, but it's hard for me to judge someone in that horrible of a situation.

/I could be a bit more judgmental, though, if its merely a matter of some rehab, and she would still be the person he fell in love with. It's not like he decided to trade her in on a newer model because she got fat, though.
2013-03-28 08:13:20 PM
6 votes:

Popcorn Johnny: Genevieve Marie: But you are truly a shiat person if after buying a home together and committing to marrying them, your first thought when they get sick is "How fast can I run in the other direction?"

I guess you didn't read the part about sticking around for a year. Can't blame anybody for not wanting to spend the last half of their life being a full time caretaker.


Her stroke was three months ago and he's already made up his mind to bail after a set amount of time. He's not looking at her and thinking about how to help her get better and how to be supportive and loving- he's looking at her and thinking "How fast can I run without looking like a total ass?"

The whole thought process just seems totally repugnant to me. You love someone, you love them. I can't imagine a situation in which my boyfriend had an accident and my first thought was "Damn, he's not whole anymore. How fast can I GTFO?"
2013-03-28 08:22:18 PM
5 votes:

Gyrfalcon: Assuming it's fake; the real answer to this is: Clearly you two are NOT soul mates if a stroke could make you contemplate leaving her (or him). If you love somebody like that, then you'd want to stay with them forever and more if they needed you like that. If a bad illness or disability makes you want to bail immediately, then obviously the love is not there, and you may as well leave now as later. The longer you stay, the more the disabled person will need you, and that's not fair to either one of you...


This. Not sure what this guy's definition of soul mates is, but it doesn't match mine.

At this point it sounds like she has regained a lot of function except for one arm. If she were left a vegetable I'm all for a 'this is not the person I fell in love with' excuse. But losing use of one arm is not the biggest crisis that could happen, so if he wants to bail at this point he'd be no use if something even worse happens.

Were the marriage vows he was planning on using going to omit the "in sickness and in health" bit?
2013-03-28 06:30:57 PM
5 votes:
  you already have..
2013-03-28 08:58:11 PM
4 votes:

over_and_done: Thats_Not_My_Baby: Yall are some naive, fairy tale people talking bout soul mate this, soul mate that. REAL soul mates tell the other, yo, if I veg out/become not the person I used to be, please go forth with my blessing, I'd want you to.

THIS, FARKING THIS.

My better half is signing on to be with me in sickness and in health, until death parts us.

If I'm incapable of being the person I was, if I can no longer lead a meaningful life... then I'm dead.  That's not "sickness", that's just done.  Heartbeat doesn't mean anything if there's no life behind it.  She should mourn me, briefly, and then leave and get on with her life.


Which is totally irrelevant to this case where the woman is mentally present and working on regaining her speech and movement.
2013-03-28 08:20:46 PM
4 votes:
A good friend broke up with a guy who treated her like crap, but nothing physically or emotionally abusive; he was just a jerk. Two months later, he became a paraplegic after a motorcyle accident. His -ex-wife and daughter (neither of whom liked my friend) tried to convince her to get back together with the guy (probabaly so they wouldn't have to care for him). They laid a lot fo guilt on her, but she held firm because she had already decided she was better off without him. He's since had a surprisingly good recovery, but have both moved on.

When the wife of a couple I knew well was diagnosed with MS, he left her. He just was not capable of being supportive. And yes, he was a pretty shallow person, but she was better of without him.

Not everyone is capable of supporting and caring for an invalid. Not everyone is compassionate and loving. Yes, we can call these people shiatty, but I believe that the ill person is always better off without them in the long run. And the ones who do stick around and provide love and care are indeed special people worthy of the HERO tag. But the others are not quite the villians we would like them to be.
2013-03-28 07:56:33 PM
4 votes:
Dear Advice Giver,
   I'm a really farked-up person. Please answer me as if I weren't.

Thank You,
Farked-up Person
2013-03-28 07:49:37 PM
4 votes:
Went through a lot more "sickness" than ever thought when we agreed to sickness and health. More than I imagined possible. You will never know what you're capable of until you're faced with it. Then you just do it... and wish you didn't have to.
2013-03-28 08:42:39 PM
3 votes:
Yall are some naive, fairy tale people talking bout soul mate this, soul mate that. REAL soul mates tell the other, yo, if I veg out/become not the person I used to be, please go forth with my blessing, I'd want you to.
2013-03-28 08:06:54 PM
3 votes:
So much for being soulmates.  She's better off the sooner the asshole leaves.
2013-03-28 07:56:05 PM
3 votes:

NCg8r: Went through a lot more "sickness" than ever thought when we agreed to sickness and health. More than I imagined possible. You will never know what you're capable of until you're faced with it. Then you just do it... and wish you didn't have to.


Went through this with wife.  She was diagnosed with Breast Cancer less than a week after our wedding.  Going through chemo, radiation and surgeries with her was absolutely terrible, but I think ultimately made us a stronger couple.

/Don't wish what we went through on my worst enemy.
2013-03-28 07:37:49 PM
3 votes:

thismomentinblackhistory: dletter: Talk about burying the lead, the second part Dear Prudence in that article is much better.... couple has been exploring swinging... left an email up accidentally on their computer that their teenage son reads, assumes it was just for dad, and confronts dad about cheating on mom.

It's a fake column.


And we're done here.
2013-03-28 07:30:20 PM
3 votes:

dletter: Talk about burying the lead, the second part Dear Prudence in that article is much better.... couple has been exploring swinging... left an email up accidentally on their computer that their teenage son reads, assumes it was just for dad, and confronts dad about cheating on mom.


It's a fake column.
2013-03-28 08:59:09 PM
2 votes:
I read somewhere that men are six times as likely to bail on a sick spouse than women are My theory is that sex is far more important to men than it is to women and if men feel as if they're going to be cheated out of it, they'll look for greener pastures.

But for every guy who bails on a sick wife, I'm sure there's a wife who's bailed on a husband who lost his cushy job/saving in the stock market and who can no longer support her in the way she was accustomed.
2013-03-28 08:55:42 PM
2 votes:

Thats_Not_My_Baby: Yall are some naive, fairy tale people talking bout soul mate this, soul mate that. REAL soul mates tell the other, yo, if I veg out/become not the person I used to be, please go forth with my blessing, I'd want you to.


THIS, FARKING THIS.

My better half is signing on to be with me in sickness and in health, until death parts us.

If I'm incapable of being the person I was, if I can no longer lead a meaningful life... then I'm dead.  That's not "sickness", that's just done.  Heartbeat doesn't mean anything if there's no life behind it.  She should mourn me, briefly, and then leave and get on with her life.
2013-03-28 08:30:44 PM
2 votes:
A few years ago my neighbor had an stroke so bad he was completely paralyzed. When I went to see him in the hospital he was practically a vegetable, and thought he'd be institutionalized for sure.  It took four years of daily rehab and constant care from his wife and high-school aged son, and now he is practically back to normal:  you can't tell from talking to him that anything was wrong.  He complains about not being able to type because of problems with his hands, but he has no accent or slurred speech, can drive, work a phone, etc.

His wife and son never once complained.
2013-03-28 08:23:39 PM
2 votes:

WhippingBoy: Genevieve Marie: Popcorn Johnny: Genevieve Marie: But you are truly a shiat person if after buying a home together and committing to marrying them, your first thought when they get sick is "How fast can I run in the other direction?"

I guess you didn't read the part about sticking around for a year. Can't blame anybody for not wanting to spend the last half of their life being a full time caretaker.

Her stroke was three months ago and he's already made up his mind to bail after a set amount of time. He's not looking at her and thinking about how to help her get better and how to be supportive and loving- he's looking at her and thinking "How fast can I run without looking like a total ass?"

The whole thought process just seems totally repugnant to me. You love someone, you love them. I can't imagine a situation in which my boyfriend had an accident and my first thought was "Damn, he's not whole anymore. How fast can I GTFO?"

Answer this honestly: if the accident rendered your boyfriend into someone who didn't recognize you, couldn't talk, couldn't eat by himself, soiled himself constantly, and his only form of communication was screaming unintelligible shrieks, would it really be the same person you fell in love with?


No, of course not. If he was in a state where he was so mentally incapacitated he no longer knew who I was, that emotional bond would probably be shaken and I'd have to figure out with his family how to make sure he was well taken care of.

But that's not what happened here. She had a stroke. She still knows who she is and who he is. She just has some physical challenges- some of which are improving with therapy.

He says in the article that she'll be devastated when he leaves. She's clearly mentally present.
2013-03-28 08:20:00 PM
2 votes:

Genevieve Marie: Popcorn Johnny: Genevieve Marie: But you are truly a shiat person if after buying a home together and committing to marrying them, your first thought when they get sick is "How fast can I run in the other direction?"

I guess you didn't read the part about sticking around for a year. Can't blame anybody for not wanting to spend the last half of their life being a full time caretaker.

Her stroke was three months ago and he's already made up his mind to bail after a set amount of time. He's not looking at her and thinking about how to help her get better and how to be supportive and loving- he's looking at her and thinking "How fast can I run without looking like a total ass?"

The whole thought process just seems totally repugnant to me. You love someone, you love them. I can't imagine a situation in which my boyfriend had an accident and my first thought was "Damn, he's not whole anymore. How fast can I GTFO?"


Answer this honestly: if the accident rendered your boyfriend into someone who didn't recognize you, couldn't talk, couldn't eat by himself, soiled himself constantly, and his only form of communication was screaming unintelligible shrieks, would it really be the same person you fell in love with?
2013-03-28 08:17:56 PM
2 votes:
I knew a couple where this happened while she was still in her early 20s.  He got her through the coma, and into rehab... and she ended up dumping him because he was too overprotective and kept trying to bubble-wrap her since she still got follow-up seizures, and she didn't want to put up with the agita of living safely enough.
2013-03-28 08:10:46 PM
2 votes:
  He's concerned about how this will affect his son's comfort in his last few years living at home but he's not concerned about what kind of lesson his leaving would be for his son? I hope this is fake.
2013-03-28 08:06:57 PM
2 votes:
I mean... I have a hard time judging the guy harshly.. they have been together a year and a half. So because of that year and a half, BAM, lifetime of slavery as a home nurse with no room for anything else.(which is basically what it takes).

I frankly don't consider people together a year or two to even really hardly be in a relationship. Oh, you "love" each other and have great "passion". Sure.
2013-03-28 07:59:36 PM
2 votes:
Ugh.

I mean, I understand it would be hard. I understand it would be dreadful to go through. But you are truly a shiat person if after buying a home together and committing to marrying them, your first thought when they get sick is "How fast can I run in the other direction?"
2013-03-28 07:48:12 PM
2 votes:

thismomentinblackhistory: dletter: Talk about burying the lead, the second part Dear Prudence in that article is much better.... couple has been exploring swinging... left an email up accidentally on their computer that their teenage son reads, assumes it was just for dad, and confronts dad about cheating on mom.

It's a fake column.


That being probably true... it is still the more interesting fake story.
2013-03-28 07:20:12 PM
2 votes:
Some people will do anything to try getting out of eating their vegetables.

/I'm a bad, bad person.
2013-03-29 03:13:00 PM
1 votes:
Had a few minor strokes myself, and now looking at liver failure and the big C... wife still right there. Love, or Insurance not sure, but she is....  Get married, you take a vow... sickness and health comes to mind. Were I the person in the link, I could not walk away... my wife could not walk away.  If marriage is not a factor, then you do what you feel is right I suppose...
2013-03-29 12:53:04 AM
1 votes:
Christ on stilts -- can a man ever NOT BAIL when a situation is difficult?
2013-03-28 11:04:28 PM
1 votes:
2013-03-28 10:11:06 PM
1 votes:

whatshisname: A divorce after a stroke or any major medical incident is not uncommon.


Sad but true, but then divorce is not all that uncommon in the first place.
2013-03-28 09:53:59 PM
1 votes:

Gyrfalcon: Assuming it's fake; the real answer to this is: Clearly you two are NOT soul mates if a stroke could make you contemplate leaving her (or him). If you love somebody like that, then you'd want to stay with them forever and more if they needed you like that.


This is what I came to say. The guy is playing the pity card after freely confessing what a lying little snake he is. What's worse, he wants to stay so he can appear noble and honorable to the next woman he plans to play the "soul mate" card on. I'll bet a lot of money he doesn't mention to the next woman that the woman he left was his "soul mate."
2013-03-28 09:21:07 PM
1 votes:
"Soulmates"

What a hilarious, overused term for friendship. And usually bad friendships.
2013-03-28 09:15:51 PM
1 votes:
Quitting is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
2013-03-28 09:11:47 PM
1 votes:

Gyrfalcon: Assuming it's fake; the real answer to this is: Clearly you two are NOT soul mates if a stroke could make you contemplate leaving her (or him). If you love somebody like that, then you'd want to stay with them forever and more if they needed you like that. If a bad illness or disability makes you want to bail immediately, then obviously the love is not there, and you may as well leave now as later. The longer you stay, the more the disabled person will need you, and that's not fair to either one of you. And who knows, maybe THEY don't love YOU either, and would be just as glad if you were gone.

That said, yeah, nobody could have that much trouble-free drama in their life.


Taking care of a person with severe incapacitation is no easy feat(bathing, toileting dressing, feeding, even moving them because they can't walk), plus people who have suffered strokes often have behavioral changes. This guy should be looking into respite first(where caregivers can come in and do a lot of the work, or she could go into a care center a few days a week) before he makes a decision, though.It's possible that she may be permanently incapacitated, but it's also possible she  could recover quite a bit. he should at least stick it out a bit longer, it's probably just overwhelming at the moment.
2013-03-28 09:06:53 PM
1 votes:

over_and_done: Thats_Not_My_Baby: Yall are some naive, fairy tale people talking bout soul mate this, soul mate that. REAL soul mates tell the other, yo, if I veg out/become not the person I used to be, please go forth with my blessing, I'd want you to.

THIS, FARKING THIS.

My better half is signing on to be with me in sickness and in health, until death parts us.

If I'm incapable of being the person I was, if I can no longer lead a meaningful life... then I'm dead.  That's not "sickness", that's just done.  Heartbeat doesn't mean anything if there's no life behind it.  She should mourn me, briefly, and then leave and get on with her life.


All nice and good but the woman in the article isn't even remotely dead, she is not a vegetable, she is not lying in bed unable to move. Her speech is slightly affected and she has lost the use of one arm! As has been noted she is still able to improve further. What next, "my wife has developed a limp, is it okay to leave now? I fell in love with a woman who didn't limp therefore it simply isn't the same woman anymore". Is that all it takes?
2013-03-28 09:04:05 PM
1 votes:

yourmomlovestetris: I read somewhere that men are six times as likely to bail on a sick spouse than women are My theory is that sex is far more important to men than it is to women and if men feel as if they're going to be cheated out of it, they'll look for greener pastures.


What does any of this have to do with married men? They're already not getting it from their wife, what difference would a stroke make?
2013-03-28 09:01:52 PM
1 votes:

nickerj1: If the column author is to be believed, then it's not the column author who is generating the content, it's the people sending the letters in.


Yes, and it's the job of the columnist or his staff to filter the ones that are obvious pranks.  The dear prudence guy is really, really bad at that and lets mostly bullshiat letters get through.  It's not the advice that's insincere, it's the letters that are mostly fake in the first place.

Ask any radio DJ how much they have to pay a screener for calls, and how many joke calls still get through.

//Strangely, the Dear Abbey people seem to be fairly decent at only accepting real letters, despite the advice in DA being pants-on-head retarded.
2013-03-28 08:50:20 PM
1 votes:

Thats_Not_My_Baby: Yall are some naive, fairy tale people talking bout soul mate this, soul mate that. REAL soul mates tell the other, yo, if I veg out/become not the person I used to be, please go forth with my blessing, I'd want you to.


Write that in your film script.  In real life you're going to need someone strong enough to help you bathe and go to the bath room.  And if there's no money for a care giver, then you need the person who said they loved you to come through.
Then again, that may not be how the world works for us humans anymore :(
2013-03-28 08:28:26 PM
1 votes:

Genevieve Marie: redsquid: He's concerned about how this will affect his son's comfort in his last few years living at home but he's not concerned about what kind of lesson his leaving would be for his son? I hope this is fake.

Yea, my best friend's dad did this- divorced his wife soon after she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Meant my friend spent most of his teen years living alone with his mother while her health declined. He's the one that had to learn how to transfer her into her wheelchair and how to sort her meds, and he gave up a lot of social time to ferry her to doctors appointments.

You can imagine how he feels about his dad's decision. Granted, this is different since the woman isn't his child's mother, but still- it's a pretty dreadful example to set- that people are disposable when they get inconvenient.



Your best friend'd Dad is an asshole.
2013-03-28 08:26:06 PM
1 votes:

Genevieve Marie: WhippingBoy: Genevieve Marie: Popcorn Johnny: Genevieve Marie: But you are truly a shiat person if after buying a home together and committing to marrying them, your first thought when they get sick is "How fast can I run in the other direction?"

I guess you didn't read the part about sticking around for a year. Can't blame anybody for not wanting to spend the last half of their life being a full time caretaker.

Her stroke was three months ago and he's already made up his mind to bail after a set amount of time. He's not looking at her and thinking about how to help her get better and how to be supportive and loving- he's looking at her and thinking "How fast can I run without looking like a total ass?"

The whole thought process just seems totally repugnant to me. You love someone, you love them. I can't imagine a situation in which my boyfriend had an accident and my first thought was "Damn, he's not whole anymore. How fast can I GTFO?"

Answer this honestly: if the accident rendered your boyfriend into someone who didn't recognize you, couldn't talk, couldn't eat by himself, soiled himself constantly, and his only form of communication was screaming unintelligible shrieks, would it really be the same person you fell in love with?

No, of course not. If he was in a state where he was so mentally incapacitated he no longer knew who I was, that emotional bond would probably be shaken and I'd have to figure out with his family how to make sure he was well taken care of.

But that's not what happened here. She had a stroke. She still knows who she is and who he is. She just has some physical challenges- some of which are improving with therapy.

He says in the article that she'll be devastated when he leaves. She's clearly mentally present.


Fair enough.
2013-03-28 08:18:30 PM
1 votes:
2013-03-28 08:18:12 PM
1 votes:

Genevieve Marie: I can't imagine a situation in which my boyfriend had an accident and my first thought was "Damn, he's not whole anymore. How fast can I GTFO?"


Many people can't imagine a situation they've never been in.
2013-03-28 08:15:21 PM
1 votes:

Popcorn Johnny: Genevieve Marie: But you are truly a shiat person if after buying a home together and committing to marrying them, your first thought when they get sick is "How fast can I run in the other direction?"

I guess you didn't read the part about sticking around for a year. Can't blame anybody for not wanting to spend the last half of their life being a full time caretaker.


A full-time caretaker to someone they've known for a year and a half.  Long ago, I married a woman I'd only known for a year.  It was her good year.
2013-03-28 08:13:26 PM
1 votes:

douchebag/hater: RedPhoenix122: Newt?

Oh fark you. At least get your facts straight.

Oh yeah you won't because then you'd have nothing to use to try and insult some one whose political views you hate..


That's extra-hilarious coming from someone who spends his whole time on fark spewing hate about people whose political views he disagrees with,
2013-03-28 08:09:03 PM
1 votes:
Just drop her off in the politics tab.  Nobody will notice
2013-03-28 08:06:57 PM
1 votes:

douchebag/hater: RedPhoenix122: Newt?

Oh fark you. At least get your facts straight.

Oh yeah you won't because then you'd have nothing to use to try and insult some one whose political views you hate..


i.imgur.com


Unbunch your panties.
2013-03-28 08:06:08 PM
1 votes:
Dated a girl whose parents were in a spot like that. It was pretty heartbreaking.
2013-03-28 08:06:04 PM
1 votes:
I don't get it. Did her vagina have a stroke too?

/Windowseat, please.
2013-03-28 08:03:38 PM
1 votes:

MNguy: Snarfangel: He is 40 years old, they met a year and a half ago, and he might potentially spend another 40 years with no real relationship? Granted, a man who could set that situation aside and take care of the woman would win all sorts of kudos in my book, but it's hard for me to judge someone in that horrible of a situation.

/I could be a bit more judgmental, though, if its merely a matter of some rehab, and she would still be the person he fell in love with. It's not like he decided to trade her in on a newer model because she got fat, though.

I would dump a girl if she got fat.


This.

Stroke, vegetable state, cancer? I'm staying with you till one of us dies.
You get fat? See ya!
2013-03-28 07:58:04 PM
1 votes:

Cheesus: Yay traditional marriage!


Since marriage exists for the purpose of procreation, I say if she's unable to get pregnant, you're clear.
2013-03-28 07:53:10 PM
1 votes:

RedPhoenix122: Newt?


And that one just went yard, folks.  The first pitch, belted out of the park.
2013-03-28 07:52:13 PM
1 votes:
If I ever have such a stroke, just leave my Glock within reach of my right hand, take a long drive, and call 911 when you realize I'm not answering your calls.
2013-03-28 07:50:39 PM
1 votes:
Will she still be able to give a Dutch rudder?
2013-03-28 07:49:53 PM
1 votes:
www.lyricsfreak.com

Stick around for a bit, Billy always plays an encore after "Stroke"
2013-03-28 07:16:12 PM
1 votes:
Talk about burying the lead, the second part Dear Prudence in that article is much better.... couple has been exploring swinging... left an email up accidentally on their computer that their teenage son reads, assumes it was just for dad, and confronts dad about cheating on mom.
2013-03-28 06:53:39 PM
1 votes:
i1079.photobucket.com
 
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