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(Slate)   My partner suffered a severe stroke. How soon can I leave her?   (slate.com) divider line 163
    More: Sad, Emily Yoffe, medical system, strokes  
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15505 clicks; posted to Main » on 28 Mar 2013 at 7:45 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-03-28 09:56:59 PM
Well what about this?  Let's say hypothetically, your wife is a terrible person, makes you feel awful, and you dread spending time with her.  You are planning on a divorce, and then she gets diagnosed with MS.  Do you stick around just to be a caretaker to a bitter terrible human being?
 
2013-03-28 09:59:13 PM
The solution is simple:
1. Put a plastic bag over her head while she sleeps
2. Claim "crib death" (yeah, like that's a real thing)
3. Cash in on insurance claim
 
2013-03-28 10:01:26 PM
A divorce after a stroke or any major medical incident is not uncommon.
 
2013-03-28 10:02:38 PM

standardeviation: Well what about this?  Let's say hypothetically, your wife is a terrible person, makes you feel awful, and you dread spending time with her.  You are planning on a divorce, and then she gets diagnosed with MS.  Do you stick around just to be a caretaker to a bitter terrible human being?


Of course not.  You'd end up morphine-ing her out and going to jail for murder (if you can't get the body cremated fast enough).


//some biatch did this to my dad.
 
2013-03-28 10:04:16 PM

Tumunga: spentmiles is writing letters to Dear Prudence now?


Pretty much. He's the pocketninja for the Walmart crowd.
 
2013-03-28 10:06:35 PM

standardeviation: Well what about this?  Let's say hypothetically, your wife is a terrible person, makes you feel awful, and you dread spending time with her.  You are planning on a divorce, and then she gets diagnosed with MS.  Do you stick around just to be a caretaker to a bitter terrible human being?


People keep making up all these horrible hypotheticals that don't have anything to do with actual case.

We live in a free country. What is contemptuous about this man is he wants everyone to think he is a knight in shining armor while running around being a jerk. He owes this woman nothing. But he also owes it to the world to stop running off at the mouth about how she was/is his soul mate. There is no "tragedy" here for him. It is a simple hedonistic calculation on his part.
 
2013-03-28 10:07:51 PM
sad indeed
 
2013-03-28 10:08:22 PM

standardeviation: Well what about this?  Let's say hypothetically, your wife is a terrible person, makes you feel awful, and you dread spending time with her.  You are planning on a divorce, and then she gets diagnosed with MS.  Do you stick around just to be a caretaker to a bitter terrible human being?


No, you divorce her, accept you are going to look bad to the outside world, and realise it was a pity you didn't divorce her sooner. I'd advise not looking online for support though, since you might not get it. It's not about right and wrong as much as it is about consequences.
 
2013-03-28 10:10:58 PM
Leave her as soon as possible so she can have a chance to find true love
 
2013-03-28 10:11:06 PM

whatshisname: A divorce after a stroke or any major medical incident is not uncommon.


Sad but true, but then divorce is not all that uncommon in the first place.
 
2013-03-28 10:15:03 PM

worlddan: We live in a free country. What is contemptuous about this man is he wants everyone to think he is a knight in shining armor while running around being a jerk. He owes this woman nothing. But he also owes it to the world to stop running off at the mouth about how she was/is his soul mate. There is no "tragedy" here for him. It is a simple hedonistic calculation on his part.


This. If you want public approval do what the public approves of, otherwise do whatever the fark you want and ignore what everyone else thinks, but you generally can't have it both ways.
 
2013-03-28 10:27:26 PM

yourmomlovestetris: I read somewhere that men are six times as likely to bail on a sick spouse than women are My theory is that sex is far more important to men than it is to women and if men feel as if they're going to be cheated out of it, they'll look for greener pastures.

But for every guy who bails on a sick wife, I'm sure there's a wife who's bailed on a husband who lost his cushy job/saving in the stock market and who can no longer support her in the way she was accustomed.


Two thirds of all divorces are initiated by women. I suppose it's possible that the original statistic still holds for cases of sickness, but it seems unlikely.
 
2013-03-28 10:28:02 PM
My husband's ex-wife had a stroke (at the age of 34) a little after they separated. It's been a long, tiring journey. She has a care worker come in every day, she has Access-A-Ride, and she has her twin daughters. My husband helps out a lot as well, but it's always a struggle. She's kind of OK, but she has definite mental issues. Physically, she has no control of her bladder, no use of her left arm, some use of her left leg. She's been this way since the late '90s. No picnic, indeed.
 
2013-03-28 10:49:10 PM

spunkymunky: Tumunga: spentmiles is writing letters to Dear Prudence now?

Pretty much. He's the pocketninja for the Walmart crowd.


This is indescribably accurate. My favorite Spentmiles (that's in my autospell?!) quote was regarding his fantastic sweatpants:

"These shiats are Guess, not some Faded Glory bullshiat."

So, yeah.
 
2013-03-28 10:52:15 PM

Genevieve Marie: Ugh.

I mean, I understand it would be hard. I understand it would be dreadful to go through. But you are truly a shiat person if after buying a home together and committing to marrying them, your first thought when they get sick is "How fast can I run in the other direction?"


THIS!
 
2013-03-28 10:54:46 PM
As distasteful as it sounds to leave someone with a disability, it's also kind of tough to blame the people who find that they can't handle it. There's a reason you hear the word "saint" so often used to describe people who can manage to maintain a strong, stable relationship with someone who has one: it really isn't an easy thing to do.

If you really want scum, look at the people who don't have the decency even to end such a relationship before starting another.
 
2013-03-28 10:55:19 PM
Fake like all the other letters to this site.
 
2013-03-28 10:57:32 PM
It sucks, but marriage isn't some sacred bond that forces two people together any more. We don't live in some fundamentalist society and people should have complete freedom over marriage and the annulment of said marriages.

The guy doesn't want to marry a stroke victim (who does?) and wants to cut his losses. People break up for far less.
 
2013-03-28 11:01:42 PM

WhippingBoy: The solution is simple:
1. Put a plastic bag over her head while she sleeps
2. Claim "crib death" (yeah, like that's a real thing)
3. Cash in on insurance claim


You are an idiot.

/Rubbermaid containers leave no marks.
 
2013-03-28 11:02:07 PM

WhippingBoy: Thats_Not_My_Baby: Yall are some naive, fairy tale people talking bout soul mate this, soul mate that. REAL soul mates tell the other, yo, if I veg out/become not the person I used to be, please go forth with my blessing, I'd want you to.

Yeah, I agree.


No. A real soul mate is finding someone that would do everything for you, that you would do for them. In good times and bad. And in the case that you want to be a jerk, and leave the person you promised your life to be with. Hopefully you expected the same thing from them at some point. If you would take care of them through sickness and health, as they would do for you, That's a soul mate.
 
2013-03-28 11:04:28 PM
 
2013-03-28 11:05:01 PM

DrPainMD: You can leave immediately. It's not like she's going to stop catch you.


Fixed.
 
2013-03-28 11:09:42 PM

Snarfangel: He is 40 years old, they met a year and a half ago, and he might potentially spend another 40 years with no real relationship? Granted, a man who could set that situation aside and take care of the woman would win all sorts of kudos in my book, but it's hard for me to judge someone in that horrible of a situation.

/I could be a bit more judgmental, though, if its merely a matter of some rehab, and she would still be the person he fell in love with. It's not like he decided to trade her in on a newer model because she got fat, though.


Agreed.  They're not married, he's not breaking any promise here.

over_and_done: If I'm incapable of being the person I was, if I can no longer lead a meaningful life... then I'm dead. That's not "sickness", that's just done. Heartbeat doesn't mean anything if there's no life behind it. She should mourn me, briefly, and then leave and get on with her life.


Yup, I have told my wife that if I'm ever messed up with Alzheimer's or the like to the point that I don't know her that she has no obligation to me at all at that point.  Save what she can of our assets and leave.
 
2013-03-28 11:10:41 PM

GopherGuts: If I ever have such a stroke, just leave my Glock pills and a glass of water within reach of my right hand, take a long drive, and call 911 when you realize I'm not answering your calls.


Gun suicides are messy.
 
2013-03-28 11:17:26 PM

Dadoody: [www.votetruth08.com image 539x340]

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1024927/The-wife-John-McCa in -callously-left-behind.html


From the above link:
'After he came home, Carol walked with a limp. So he threw her over for a poster girl with big money from Arizona. And the rest is history.'

OMG... he really did use the "my wife has developed a limp, I didn't fall in love with a woman with a limp" excuse!

Actually the real reason was worse, his ex-wife says: "My marriage ended because John McCain didn't want to be 40, he wanted to be 25. You know that happens..."
He was just a typical douche.
 
2013-03-28 11:18:26 PM
I actually know a girl this happened too. Pretty shallow guy to leave her but she was better off. He didn't even wait for her to get out of the hospital.
 
2013-03-28 11:19:24 PM

Millennium: As distasteful as it sounds to leave someone with a disability, it's also kind of tough to blame the people who find that they can't handle it. There's a reason you hear the word "saint" so often used to describe people who can manage to maintain a strong, stable relationship with someone who has one: it really isn't an easy thing to do.

If you really want scum, look at the people who don't have the decency even to end such a relationship before starting another.


You've painted up your lips and rolled and curled your tinted hair,
Ruby, are you contemplating going out somewhere?
The shadows on the wall tell me the sun is going down,
Oh Ruby, don't take your love to town.
 
2013-03-28 11:29:08 PM

Remarkable_Anus: I actually know a girl this happened too. Pretty shallow guy to leave her but she was better off. He didn't even wait for her to get out of the hospital.


I really hope that guy fails to find anyone else and ends up alone and very lonely. Probably not the case though because there is really no such thing as karma and life just isn't fair.
 
2013-03-28 11:50:38 PM

whatshisname: A divorce after a stroke or any major medical incident is not uncommon.


I heard that sometimes people do it so that the afflicted partner can claim bankruptcy as an individual and get government assistance (medicare/aid) and it won't financially ruin them as a couple. But that does take a lot of faith in one's spouse.
 
2013-03-28 11:56:16 PM
leave as soon as she stops giving BJs
 
2013-03-29 12:25:24 AM

WhoopAssWayne: RedPhoenix122: Newt?

[cache.gawker.com image 282x270]


Take note Douchebag. THIS is how you do it.
 
2013-03-29 12:37:17 AM

Mitch Taylor's Bro: GopherGuts: If I ever have such a stroke, just leave my Glock pills and a glass of water within reach of my right hand, take a long drive, and call 911 when you realize I'm not answering your calls.

Gun suicides are messy.


Not if you use a 20ga bangstick with birdshot.  Fall on it right under the breastplate and blow the heart to pieces.  You bleed out but that's all.  If you do it in the tub the cleanup is a cinch.
 
2013-03-29 12:53:04 AM
Christ on stilts -- can a man ever NOT BAIL when a situation is difficult?
 
2013-03-29 12:57:17 AM

Smeggy Smurf: Mitch Taylor's Bro: GopherGuts: If I ever have such a stroke, just leave my Glock pills and a glass of water within reach of my right hand, take a long drive, and call 911 when you realize I'm not answering your calls.

Gun suicides are messy.

Not if you use a 20ga bangstick with birdshot.  Fall on it right under the breastplate and blow the heart to pieces.  You bleed out but that's all.  If you do it in the tub the cleanup is a cinch.


Yup, sounds so much easier than popping a few too many happy pills.
 
2013-03-29 01:02:56 AM
"Girlfriend in a Coma" by The Smiths
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5b_V68mQ9k
 
2013-03-29 01:18:35 AM

WhippingBoy: MNguy: Snarfangel: He is 40 years old, they met a year and a half ago, and he might potentially spend another 40 years with no real relationship? Granted, a man who could set that situation aside and take care of the woman would win all sorts of kudos in my book, but it's hard for me to judge someone in that horrible of a situation.

/I could be a bit more judgmental, though, if its merely a matter of some rehab, and she would still be the person he fell in love with. It's not like he decided to trade her in on a newer model because she got fat, though.

I would dump a girl if she got fat.

This.

Stroke, vegetable state, cancer? I'm staying with you till one of us dies.
You get fat? See ya!


How do you feel about aging? Do you plan to divorce around every 15 years so your partner will always be "perfect" looking, or is it only weight gain that bothers you?
 
2013-03-29 01:29:10 AM

dletter: Talk about burying the lead, the second part Dear Prudence in that article is much better.... couple has been exploring swinging... left an email up accidentally on their computer that their teenage son reads, assumes it was just for dad, and confronts dad about cheating on mom.


I agree, much better story. That kid will never look at his Dad the same way.
 
2013-03-29 01:50:28 AM

Metalithic: WhippingBoy: MNguy: Snarfangel: He is 40 years old, they met a year and a half ago, and he might potentially spend another 40 years with no real relationship? Granted, a man who could set that situation aside and take care of the woman would win all sorts of kudos in my book, but it's hard for me to judge someone in that horrible of a situation.

/I could be a bit more judgmental, though, if its merely a matter of some rehab, and she would still be the person he fell in love with. It's not like he decided to trade her in on a newer model because she got fat, though.

I would dump a girl if she got fat.

This.

Stroke, vegetable state, cancer? I'm staying with you till one of us dies.
You get fat? See ya!

How do you feel about aging? Do you plan to divorce around every 15 years so your partner will always be "perfect" looking, or is it only weight gain that bothers you?


You make the assumption that he would be able to get someone "perfect" looking every fifteen years. To be fair, a lot of men make that assumption.

Also regarding the fat issue, it is usually considered irrelevant whether or not they are fat themselves. Dating sites are full of men who have traded their six packs in for kegs, yet insist on a woman who is slim.
 
2013-03-29 02:07:28 AM
A man wants a woman who controls herself, not him.
 
2013-03-29 02:27:46 AM
what an ass
 
2013-03-29 02:49:33 AM
A lot of you are talking about the marriage vows and divorce and all that and forgetting the crucial part of the case:

THEY AREN'T MARRIED.

No vows have been exchanged.  He hasn't made that "in sickness and in health" vow yet.  He now does not want to marry her, so he should not.  Breaking off an engagement is always, always better than entering a marriage you do not want.  Breaking off an engagement, no matter how shallow the reason, is morally legit, and this reason isn't shallow.
 
2013-03-29 03:56:52 AM

amquelbettamin: I can't understand you anymore since the stroke.

Wait, I have an idea! If you want me to stay raise both hands.


More like, "Can't talk? Left hand movement is our new safe word honey, Yee-haw!"
 
2013-03-29 03:58:26 AM
Nidiot:

You make the assumption that he would be able to get someone "perfect" looking every fifteen years. To be fair, a lot of men make that assumption.

Also regarding the fat issue, it is usually considered irrelevant whether or not they are fat themselves. Dating sites are full of men who have traded their six packs in for kegs, yet insist on a woman who is slim.


http://www.theonion.com/articles/asian-teen-has-sweaty-middleagedman -f etish,2649/
 
2013-03-29 04:12:14 AM

TehFark: WhippingBoy: Thats_Not_My_Baby: Yall are some naive, fairy tale people talking bout soul mate this, soul mate that. REAL soul mates tell the other, yo, if I veg out/become not the person I used to be, please go forth with my blessing, I'd want you to.

Yeah, I agree.

No. A real soul mate is finding someone that would do everything for you, that you would do for them. In good times and bad. And in the case that you want to be a jerk, and leave the person you promised your life to be with. Hopefully you expected the same thing from them at some point. If you would take care of them through sickness and health, as they would do for you, That's a soul mate.


The concept of soul mates are romantic bullshiat created for romance novels.

No one stays and is a caretaker for anything other than self interest... be it "I want this person to be cared for my way" or "I don't want to look bad for leaving".
 
2013-03-29 04:29:48 AM

FirstNationalBastard: TehFark: WhippingBoy: Thats_Not_My_Baby: Yall are some naive, fairy tale people talking bout soul mate this, soul mate that. REAL soul mates tell the other, yo, if I veg out/become not the person I used to be, please go forth with my blessing, I'd want you to.

Yeah, I agree.

No. A real soul mate is finding someone that would do everything for you, that you would do for them. In good times and bad. And in the case that you want to be a jerk, and leave the person you promised your life to be with. Hopefully you expected the same thing from them at some point. If you would take care of them through sickness and health, as they would do for you, That's a soul mate.

The concept of soul mates are romantic bullshiat created for romance novels.

No one stays and is a caretaker for anything other than self interest... be it "I want this person to be cared for my way" or "I don't want to look bad for leaving".


You seem very certain of how "everyone" behaves.
 
2013-03-29 04:33:59 AM

Raspil: Christ on stilts -- can a man ever NOT BAIL when a situation is difficult?


Sure, if he's willing to take the heat.

 
2013-03-29 04:38:36 AM

Metalithic: FirstNationalBastard: TehFark: WhippingBoy: Thats_Not_My_Baby: Yall are some naive, fairy tale people talking bout soul mate this, soul mate that. REAL soul mates tell the other, yo, if I veg out/become not the person I used to be, please go forth with my blessing, I'd want you to.

Yeah, I agree.

No. A real soul mate is finding someone that would do everything for you, that you would do for them. In good times and bad. And in the case that you want to be a jerk, and leave the person you promised your life to be with. Hopefully you expected the same thing from them at some point. If you would take care of them through sickness and health, as they would do for you, That's a soul mate.

The concept of soul mates are romantic bullshiat created for romance novels.

No one stays and is a caretaker for anything other than self interest... be it "I want this person to be cared for my way" or "I don't want to look bad for leaving".

You seem very certain of how "everyone" behaves.


He's right; the only reason anyone chooses to do anything is because it makes him feel better than the alternatives.

He's also wrong.  The concept of "soul mates" goes back to Plato, at least.
 
2013-03-29 04:40:57 AM

E5biehttp://www.theonion.com/articles/asian-teen-has-sweaty-middl eagedman -f etish,2649/

Lol. Some one probably read that and didn't realise it was satire.


FirstNationalBastard: No one stays and is a caretaker for anything other than self interest... be it "I want this person to be cared for my way" or "I don't want to look bad for leaving".


You make a mistake if you assume everyone else would react as you would. I think it is rare but I do not agree no one would do that. Staying and becoming a caretaker is not terribly uncommon amongst elderly couples, particularly because they are more likely to require care in the first place. But also once a couple has been together for a very long time the emotional bonding can be quite strong, and they simply can't imagine life without their partner around. Maybe younger people are more inclined to cut their losses and try again.
 
2013-03-29 04:44:59 AM

BarkingUnicorn: The concept of "soul mates" goes back to Plato, at least.


Very interesting, I would never have guessed that.
 
2013-03-29 05:07:17 AM

Nidiot: BarkingUnicorn: The concept of "soul mates" goes back to Plato, at least.

Very interesting, I would never have guessed that.


Same here.
 
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