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(Slate)   My partner suffered a severe stroke. How soon can I leave her?   (slate.com) divider line 163
    More: Sad, Emily Yoffe, medical system, strokes  
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15500 clicks; posted to Main » on 28 Mar 2013 at 7:45 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-03-28 08:13:20 PM

Popcorn Johnny: Genevieve Marie: But you are truly a shiat person if after buying a home together and committing to marrying them, your first thought when they get sick is "How fast can I run in the other direction?"

I guess you didn't read the part about sticking around for a year. Can't blame anybody for not wanting to spend the last half of their life being a full time caretaker.


Her stroke was three months ago and he's already made up his mind to bail after a set amount of time. He's not looking at her and thinking about how to help her get better and how to be supportive and loving- he's looking at her and thinking "How fast can I run without looking like a total ass?"

The whole thought process just seems totally repugnant to me. You love someone, you love them. I can't imagine a situation in which my boyfriend had an accident and my first thought was "Damn, he's not whole anymore. How fast can I GTFO?"
 
2013-03-28 08:13:26 PM

douchebag/hater: RedPhoenix122: Newt?

Oh fark you. At least get your facts straight.

Oh yeah you won't because then you'd have nothing to use to try and insult some one whose political views you hate..


That's extra-hilarious coming from someone who spends his whole time on fark spewing hate about people whose political views he disagrees with,
 
2013-03-28 08:15:21 PM

Popcorn Johnny: Genevieve Marie: But you are truly a shiat person if after buying a home together and committing to marrying them, your first thought when they get sick is "How fast can I run in the other direction?"

I guess you didn't read the part about sticking around for a year. Can't blame anybody for not wanting to spend the last half of their life being a full time caretaker.


A full-time caretaker to someone they've known for a year and a half.  Long ago, I married a woman I'd only known for a year.  It was her good year.
 
2013-03-28 08:16:52 PM

redsquid: He's concerned about how this will affect his son's comfort in his last few years living at home but he's not concerned about what kind of lesson his leaving would be for his son? I hope this is fake.


Yea, my best friend's dad did this- divorced his wife soon after she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Meant my friend spent most of his teen years living alone with his mother while her health declined. He's the one that had to learn how to transfer her into her wheelchair and how to sort her meds, and he gave up a lot of social time to ferry her to doctors appointments.

You can imagine how he feels about his dad's decision. Granted, this is different since the woman isn't his child's mother, but still- it's a pretty dreadful example to set- that people are disposable when they get inconvenient.
 
2013-03-28 08:17:56 PM
I knew a couple where this happened while she was still in her early 20s.  He got her through the coma, and into rehab... and she ended up dumping him because he was too overprotective and kept trying to bubble-wrap her since she still got follow-up seizures, and she didn't want to put up with the agita of living safely enough.
 
2013-03-28 08:18:12 PM

Genevieve Marie: I can't imagine a situation in which my boyfriend had an accident and my first thought was "Damn, he's not whole anymore. How fast can I GTFO?"


Many people can't imagine a situation they've never been in.
 
2013-03-28 08:18:30 PM
 
2013-03-28 08:18:55 PM

PhiloeBedoe: [i1079.photobucket.com image 500x375]


Funny you should post that.
I have a friend that I've had since grade school
Very talented.
Even been on that show a few times as a repeat character.
But all her life, she took care of her brother, who has CP.
Her adopted mom was Elizabeth Taylor.
Taught Liz how to act, on stage, instead of a camera.
She probably could have had a bigger career if she had ignored her brother, but has really acted as a caretaker for him all her life.
She's never bailed on him for a job, or a great opportunity for a role.
He's always come first.
Now, she's probably not really really wealthy with money or fame.
But among her life long friends, she's wealthy.
She has the respect, support, and admiration of all that have known her on her path through life.
I absolutely adored her from the moment I first laid eyes on her in our freshman year of High School.
I've always thought she was a great singer and dancer and actor.
Better than I could ever be.
And I act, and sing, and dance.
But I always do it knowing her brother cannot.
He can be the audience for our passions, but he cannot participate.
One thing's for certain, though.
When he guffaws at one of our outtakes, or even a final cut, I feel richer.

I'm sure Jerry approves.
He's really a nice guy.

/And... Oh, Hai!
 
2013-03-28 08:20:00 PM

Genevieve Marie: Popcorn Johnny: Genevieve Marie: But you are truly a shiat person if after buying a home together and committing to marrying them, your first thought when they get sick is "How fast can I run in the other direction?"

I guess you didn't read the part about sticking around for a year. Can't blame anybody for not wanting to spend the last half of their life being a full time caretaker.

Her stroke was three months ago and he's already made up his mind to bail after a set amount of time. He's not looking at her and thinking about how to help her get better and how to be supportive and loving- he's looking at her and thinking "How fast can I run without looking like a total ass?"

The whole thought process just seems totally repugnant to me. You love someone, you love them. I can't imagine a situation in which my boyfriend had an accident and my first thought was "Damn, he's not whole anymore. How fast can I GTFO?"


Answer this honestly: if the accident rendered your boyfriend into someone who didn't recognize you, couldn't talk, couldn't eat by himself, soiled himself constantly, and his only form of communication was screaming unintelligible shrieks, would it really be the same person you fell in love with?
 
2013-03-28 08:20:46 PM
A good friend broke up with a guy who treated her like crap, but nothing physically or emotionally abusive; he was just a jerk. Two months later, he became a paraplegic after a motorcyle accident. His -ex-wife and daughter (neither of whom liked my friend) tried to convince her to get back together with the guy (probabaly so they wouldn't have to care for him). They laid a lot fo guilt on her, but she held firm because she had already decided she was better off without him. He's since had a surprisingly good recovery, but have both moved on.

When the wife of a couple I knew well was diagnosed with MS, he left her. He just was not capable of being supportive. And yes, he was a pretty shallow person, but she was better of without him.

Not everyone is capable of supporting and caring for an invalid. Not everyone is compassionate and loving. Yes, we can call these people shiatty, but I believe that the ill person is always better off without them in the long run. And the ones who do stick around and provide love and care are indeed special people worthy of the HERO tag. But the others are not quite the villians we would like them to be.
 
2013-03-28 08:22:18 PM

Gyrfalcon: Assuming it's fake; the real answer to this is: Clearly you two are NOT soul mates if a stroke could make you contemplate leaving her (or him). If you love somebody like that, then you'd want to stay with them forever and more if they needed you like that. If a bad illness or disability makes you want to bail immediately, then obviously the love is not there, and you may as well leave now as later. The longer you stay, the more the disabled person will need you, and that's not fair to either one of you...


This. Not sure what this guy's definition of soul mates is, but it doesn't match mine.

At this point it sounds like she has regained a lot of function except for one arm. If she were left a vegetable I'm all for a 'this is not the person I fell in love with' excuse. But losing use of one arm is not the biggest crisis that could happen, so if he wants to bail at this point he'd be no use if something even worse happens.

Were the marriage vows he was planning on using going to omit the "in sickness and in health" bit?
 
2013-03-28 08:23:39 PM

WhippingBoy: Genevieve Marie: Popcorn Johnny: Genevieve Marie: But you are truly a shiat person if after buying a home together and committing to marrying them, your first thought when they get sick is "How fast can I run in the other direction?"

I guess you didn't read the part about sticking around for a year. Can't blame anybody for not wanting to spend the last half of their life being a full time caretaker.

Her stroke was three months ago and he's already made up his mind to bail after a set amount of time. He's not looking at her and thinking about how to help her get better and how to be supportive and loving- he's looking at her and thinking "How fast can I run without looking like a total ass?"

The whole thought process just seems totally repugnant to me. You love someone, you love them. I can't imagine a situation in which my boyfriend had an accident and my first thought was "Damn, he's not whole anymore. How fast can I GTFO?"

Answer this honestly: if the accident rendered your boyfriend into someone who didn't recognize you, couldn't talk, couldn't eat by himself, soiled himself constantly, and his only form of communication was screaming unintelligible shrieks, would it really be the same person you fell in love with?


No, of course not. If he was in a state where he was so mentally incapacitated he no longer knew who I was, that emotional bond would probably be shaken and I'd have to figure out with his family how to make sure he was well taken care of.

But that's not what happened here. She had a stroke. She still knows who she is and who he is. She just has some physical challenges- some of which are improving with therapy.

He says in the article that she'll be devastated when he leaves. She's clearly mentally present.
 
2013-03-28 08:26:06 PM

Genevieve Marie: WhippingBoy: Genevieve Marie: Popcorn Johnny: Genevieve Marie: But you are truly a shiat person if after buying a home together and committing to marrying them, your first thought when they get sick is "How fast can I run in the other direction?"

I guess you didn't read the part about sticking around for a year. Can't blame anybody for not wanting to spend the last half of their life being a full time caretaker.

Her stroke was three months ago and he's already made up his mind to bail after a set amount of time. He's not looking at her and thinking about how to help her get better and how to be supportive and loving- he's looking at her and thinking "How fast can I run without looking like a total ass?"

The whole thought process just seems totally repugnant to me. You love someone, you love them. I can't imagine a situation in which my boyfriend had an accident and my first thought was "Damn, he's not whole anymore. How fast can I GTFO?"

Answer this honestly: if the accident rendered your boyfriend into someone who didn't recognize you, couldn't talk, couldn't eat by himself, soiled himself constantly, and his only form of communication was screaming unintelligible shrieks, would it really be the same person you fell in love with?

No, of course not. If he was in a state where he was so mentally incapacitated he no longer knew who I was, that emotional bond would probably be shaken and I'd have to figure out with his family how to make sure he was well taken care of.

But that's not what happened here. She had a stroke. She still knows who she is and who he is. She just has some physical challenges- some of which are improving with therapy.

He says in the article that she'll be devastated when he leaves. She's clearly mentally present.


Fair enough.
 
2013-03-28 08:28:26 PM

Genevieve Marie: redsquid: He's concerned about how this will affect his son's comfort in his last few years living at home but he's not concerned about what kind of lesson his leaving would be for his son? I hope this is fake.

Yea, my best friend's dad did this- divorced his wife soon after she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Meant my friend spent most of his teen years living alone with his mother while her health declined. He's the one that had to learn how to transfer her into her wheelchair and how to sort her meds, and he gave up a lot of social time to ferry her to doctors appointments.

You can imagine how he feels about his dad's decision. Granted, this is different since the woman isn't his child's mother, but still- it's a pretty dreadful example to set- that people are disposable when they get inconvenient.



Your best friend'd Dad is an asshole.
 
2013-03-28 08:28:29 PM
when slammin' sammy snead died after a series of strokes, someone asked if  he'd made par
 
2013-03-28 08:29:04 PM

RedPhoenix122: Newt?


I was beaten to it in the...ummm, post which preceded the second and all others....damn Fark Filter!
 
2013-03-28 08:30:44 PM
A few years ago my neighbor had an stroke so bad he was completely paralyzed. When I went to see him in the hospital he was practically a vegetable, and thought he'd be institutionalized for sure.  It took four years of daily rehab and constant care from his wife and high-school aged son, and now he is practically back to normal:  you can't tell from talking to him that anything was wrong.  He complains about not being able to type because of problems with his hands, but he has no accent or slurred speech, can drive, work a phone, etc.

His wife and son never once complained.
 
2013-03-28 08:31:59 PM

PhiloeBedoe: [i1079.photobucket.com image 500x375]


First thing I thought of.


/yankee bean
 
2013-03-28 08:32:33 PM
I can't understand you anymore since the stroke.

Wait, I have an idea! If you want me to stay raise both hands.
 
2013-03-28 08:36:12 PM
More therapy

Link
 
2013-03-28 08:36:19 PM
We could complete each other's sentence


Well at least that part will be easier now. Whenever starts talking just go ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUGHGHGHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!


Also, fark that guy. I hope his kid gets raped by someone with AIDS.
 
2013-03-28 08:36:27 PM
Leave ASAP, the last hing she needs is weak minded person pretending to help.
 
2013-03-28 08:37:43 PM

skantea: Leave ASAP, the last hing she needs is weak minded person pretending to help.


Leave the Chinese out of this.
 
2013-03-28 08:42:39 PM
Yall are some naive, fairy tale people talking bout soul mate this, soul mate that. REAL soul mates tell the other, yo, if I veg out/become not the person I used to be, please go forth with my blessing, I'd want you to.
 
2013-03-28 08:45:20 PM

Thats_Not_My_Baby: Yall are some naive, fairy tale people talking bout soul mate this, soul mate that. REAL soul mates tell the other, yo, if I veg out/become not the person I used to be, please go forth with my blessing, I'd want you to.


Yeah, I agree.
 
2013-03-28 08:50:12 PM
Is this really much different from, "My husband lost $5 million in the stock market. We're pretty much broke now. Can I sue for divorce (and half his 401K)?"
 
2013-03-28 08:50:20 PM

Thats_Not_My_Baby: Yall are some naive, fairy tale people talking bout soul mate this, soul mate that. REAL soul mates tell the other, yo, if I veg out/become not the person I used to be, please go forth with my blessing, I'd want you to.


Write that in your film script.  In real life you're going to need someone strong enough to help you bathe and go to the bath room.  And if there's no money for a care giver, then you need the person who said they loved you to come through.
Then again, that may not be how the world works for us humans anymore :(
 
2013-03-28 08:50:25 PM

Walker: thismomentinblackhistory: dletter: Talk about burying the lead, the second part Dear Prudence in that article is much better.... couple has been exploring swinging... left an email up accidentally on their computer that their teenage son reads, assumes it was just for dad, and confronts dad about cheating on mom.

It's a fake column.

And we're done here.



What percentage of your questions do you think are just made up?


[ 127 points 3 months ago
A miniscule percentage and I don't run letters I think are fake.

http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/14byqr/im_emily_yoffe_slates_d ea r_prudence_advice/


If the column author is to be believed, then it's not the column author who is generating the content, it's the people sending the letters in.
 
2013-03-28 08:55:42 PM

Thats_Not_My_Baby: Yall are some naive, fairy tale people talking bout soul mate this, soul mate that. REAL soul mates tell the other, yo, if I veg out/become not the person I used to be, please go forth with my blessing, I'd want you to.


THIS, FARKING THIS.

My better half is signing on to be with me in sickness and in health, until death parts us.

If I'm incapable of being the person I was, if I can no longer lead a meaningful life... then I'm dead.  That's not "sickness", that's just done.  Heartbeat doesn't mean anything if there's no life behind it.  She should mourn me, briefly, and then leave and get on with her life.
 
2013-03-28 08:58:11 PM

over_and_done: Thats_Not_My_Baby: Yall are some naive, fairy tale people talking bout soul mate this, soul mate that. REAL soul mates tell the other, yo, if I veg out/become not the person I used to be, please go forth with my blessing, I'd want you to.

THIS, FARKING THIS.

My better half is signing on to be with me in sickness and in health, until death parts us.

If I'm incapable of being the person I was, if I can no longer lead a meaningful life... then I'm dead.  That's not "sickness", that's just done.  Heartbeat doesn't mean anything if there's no life behind it.  She should mourn me, briefly, and then leave and get on with her life.


Which is totally irrelevant to this case where the woman is mentally present and working on regaining her speech and movement.
 
2013-03-28 08:59:09 PM
I read somewhere that men are six times as likely to bail on a sick spouse than women are My theory is that sex is far more important to men than it is to women and if men feel as if they're going to be cheated out of it, they'll look for greener pastures.

But for every guy who bails on a sick wife, I'm sure there's a wife who's bailed on a husband who lost his cushy job/saving in the stock market and who can no longer support her in the way she was accustomed.
 
2013-03-28 09:01:52 PM

nickerj1: If the column author is to be believed, then it's not the column author who is generating the content, it's the people sending the letters in.


Yes, and it's the job of the columnist or his staff to filter the ones that are obvious pranks.  The dear prudence guy is really, really bad at that and lets mostly bullshiat letters get through.  It's not the advice that's insincere, it's the letters that are mostly fake in the first place.

Ask any radio DJ how much they have to pay a screener for calls, and how many joke calls still get through.

//Strangely, the Dear Abbey people seem to be fairly decent at only accepting real letters, despite the advice in DA being pants-on-head retarded.
 
2013-03-28 09:03:04 PM
well jiminy christmas she can still fark, can't she?
 
2013-03-28 09:04:05 PM

yourmomlovestetris: I read somewhere that men are six times as likely to bail on a sick spouse than women are My theory is that sex is far more important to men than it is to women and if men feel as if they're going to be cheated out of it, they'll look for greener pastures.


What does any of this have to do with married men? They're already not getting it from their wife, what difference would a stroke make?
 
2013-03-28 09:06:38 PM

yourmomlovestetris: I read somewhere that men are six times as likely to bail on a sick spouse than women are My theory is that sex is far more important to men than it is to women and if men feel as if they're going to be cheated out of it, they'll look for greener pastures.

But for every guy who bails on a sick wife, I'm sure there's a wife who's bailed on a husband who lost his cushy job/saving in the stock market and who can no longer support her in the way she was accustomed.


I think it's because women are socialized to be caregivers and the job of caring for aging or infirm family members often falls to women. I don't think this is a positive thing- I think that kind of work should be shared.

I also think sex is something that's equally important to people of both genders, but once again- we're socialized differently on it.
 
2013-03-28 09:06:53 PM

over_and_done: Thats_Not_My_Baby: Yall are some naive, fairy tale people talking bout soul mate this, soul mate that. REAL soul mates tell the other, yo, if I veg out/become not the person I used to be, please go forth with my blessing, I'd want you to.

THIS, FARKING THIS.

My better half is signing on to be with me in sickness and in health, until death parts us.

If I'm incapable of being the person I was, if I can no longer lead a meaningful life... then I'm dead.  That's not "sickness", that's just done.  Heartbeat doesn't mean anything if there's no life behind it.  She should mourn me, briefly, and then leave and get on with her life.


All nice and good but the woman in the article isn't even remotely dead, she is not a vegetable, she is not lying in bed unable to move. Her speech is slightly affected and she has lost the use of one arm! As has been noted she is still able to improve further. What next, "my wife has developed a limp, is it okay to leave now? I fell in love with a woman who didn't limp therefore it simply isn't the same woman anymore". Is that all it takes?
 
2013-03-28 09:11:47 PM

Gyrfalcon: Assuming it's fake; the real answer to this is: Clearly you two are NOT soul mates if a stroke could make you contemplate leaving her (or him). If you love somebody like that, then you'd want to stay with them forever and more if they needed you like that. If a bad illness or disability makes you want to bail immediately, then obviously the love is not there, and you may as well leave now as later. The longer you stay, the more the disabled person will need you, and that's not fair to either one of you. And who knows, maybe THEY don't love YOU either, and would be just as glad if you were gone.

That said, yeah, nobody could have that much trouble-free drama in their life.


Taking care of a person with severe incapacitation is no easy feat(bathing, toileting dressing, feeding, even moving them because they can't walk), plus people who have suffered strokes often have behavioral changes. This guy should be looking into respite first(where caregivers can come in and do a lot of the work, or she could go into a care center a few days a week) before he makes a decision, though.It's possible that she may be permanently incapacitated, but it's also possible she  could recover quite a bit. he should at least stick it out a bit longer, it's probably just overwhelming at the moment.
 
2013-03-28 09:13:38 PM
If she can't eat her navy beans?

I know I won't have been first with this.
 
2013-03-28 09:15:51 PM
Quitting is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
 
2013-03-28 09:16:55 PM
Suck to be him if he put a large down payment , but needed her income to make the mortgage payment.
 
2013-03-28 09:17:35 PM

RedPhoenix122: Newt?


I knew someone would probably beat me to it, but Boobies?  Geeezzzz.
 
2013-03-28 09:17:54 PM

Nidiot: over_and_done: Thats_Not_My_Baby: Yall are some naive, fairy tale people talking bout soul mate this, soul mate that. REAL soul mates tell the other, yo, if I veg out/become not the person I used to be, please go forth with my blessing, I'd want you to.

THIS, FARKING THIS.

My better half is signing on to be with me in sickness and in health, until death parts us.

If I'm incapable of being the person I was, if I can no longer lead a meaningful life... then I'm dead.  That's not "sickness", that's just done.  Heartbeat doesn't mean anything if there's no life behind it.  She should mourn me, briefly, and then leave and get on with her life.

All nice and good but the woman in the article isn't even remotely dead, she is not a vegetable, she is not lying in bed unable to move. Her speech is slightly affected and she has lost the use of one arm! As has been noted she is still able to improve further. What next, "my wife has developed a limp, is it okay to leave now? I fell in love with a woman who didn't limp therefore it simply isn't the same woman anymore". Is that all it takes?


Depends.  If I'm the one limping and it's destroyed my spirit, then I wouldn't blame her for leaving.

Hopefully I'd be a little bit stronger than that though.
 
2013-03-28 09:21:07 PM
"Soulmates"

What a hilarious, overused term for friendship. And usually bad friendships.
 
2013-03-28 09:23:12 PM
somebody call clarence carter
 
2013-03-28 09:25:35 PM

medius: somebody call clarence carter



  Patches...
 
2013-03-28 09:26:11 PM

Yogimus: GopherGuts: If I ever have such a stroke, just leave my Glock within reach of my right hand, take a long drive, and call 911 when you realize I'm not answering your calls.

I will, but I won't leave a round chambered, just to fark with you.


I larfed
 
2013-03-28 09:31:18 PM

over_and_done: Nidiot: over_and_done: Thats_Not_My_Baby: Yall are some naive, fairy tale people talking bout soul mate this, soul mate that. REAL soul mates tell the other, yo, if I veg out/become not the person I used to be, please go forth with my blessing, I'd want you to.

THIS, FARKING THIS.

My better half is signing on to be with me in sickness and in health, until death parts us.

If I'm incapable of being the person I was, if I can no longer lead a meaningful life... then I'm dead.  That's not "sickness", that's just done.  Heartbeat doesn't mean anything if there's no life behind it.  She should mourn me, briefly, and then leave and get on with her life.

All nice and good but the woman in the article isn't even remotely dead, she is not a vegetable, she is not lying in bed unable to move. Her speech is slightly affected and she has lost the use of one arm! As has been noted she is still able to improve further. What next, "my wife has developed a limp, is it okay to leave now? I fell in love with a woman who didn't limp therefore it simply isn't the same woman anymore". Is that all it takes?

Depends.  If I'm the one limping and it's destroyed my spirit, then I wouldn't blame her for leaving.

Hopefully I'd be a little bit stronger than that though.


You might want to check your shoes first, you may just have ended up with a stone in one, and your wife will be gone.
 
2013-03-28 09:38:27 PM

douchebag/hater: RedPhoenix122: Newt?

Oh fark you. At least get your facts straight.

Oh yeah you won't because then you'd have nothing to use to try and insult some one whose political views you hate..


Newt does not have political views he has career aspirations.
 
2013-03-28 09:53:59 PM

Gyrfalcon: Assuming it's fake; the real answer to this is: Clearly you two are NOT soul mates if a stroke could make you contemplate leaving her (or him). If you love somebody like that, then you'd want to stay with them forever and more if they needed you like that.


This is what I came to say. The guy is playing the pity card after freely confessing what a lying little snake he is. What's worse, he wants to stay so he can appear noble and honorable to the next woman he plans to play the "soul mate" card on. I'll bet a lot of money he doesn't mention to the next woman that the woman he left was his "soul mate."
 
2013-03-28 09:56:25 PM

neongoats: I mean... I have a hard time judging the guy harshly.. they have been together a year and a half. So because of that year and a half, BAM, lifetime of slavery as a home nurse with no room for anything else.(which is basically what it takes).

I frankly don't consider people together a year or two to even really hardly be in a relationship. Oh, you "love" each other and have great "passion". Sure.


Looking back after 10 years, I have to agree with you.
 
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