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(io9)   The most useless G.I. Joe members   (io9.com) divider line 123
    More: Amusing, G.I. Joe, Japan Ground Self-Defense Force, martial artists, DJs  
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11289 clicks; posted to Geek » on 26 Mar 2013 at 8:01 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-03-26 08:04:32 PM
Pork chop sandwhiches.
 
2013-03-26 08:09:47 PM

js34603: Pork chop sandwhiches.


goes great with  Ice Cream Soldier

/you can store them in  "The Refrigerator"
 
2013-03-26 08:10:01 PM
Sci-Fi? I think they mean Flash.

Or they don't, as every one of those seem to be from the later generations of the toys, when they really hit some lows. Also read as: when I became too old to keep playing with them.
 
2013-03-26 08:15:59 PM
I'll just sum this up:

Quick Kick - doesn't wear shoes
Sci-Fi - specialty is shooting a laser gun (like all the other Joes)
Grid-Iron - lame football player
Altitude - specialty is drawing maps after jumping out of a plane
Dee-Jay - DJ
Scoop - journalist
Banzai - pink wearing ninja
William "The Refrigerator" Perry - 85 Bears
Colonel Courage - paper pusher
Ice Cream Soldier - WTF has a flamethrower
 
2013-03-26 08:17:07 PM
What about Dr. Fumbles?
 
2013-03-26 08:17:49 PM
Any Joe with a gun. They just run through the laser fire and punch people anyway.
 
2013-03-26 08:22:18 PM
Fumbles was crap as a Gi-Joe, but he became perfect once he went to COBRA!!!!!
 
2013-03-26 08:27:51 PM
www.thestrong.org
Sci Fi was "born" in my home town of Geraldine, MT. I always found this funny as theirs only about 276 people there.
 
2013-03-26 08:28:35 PM
I have DeeJay and Scoop.

Also, body massage.
 
2013-03-26 08:28:40 PM

RoxtarRyan: What about Dr. Fumbles?


It's Fumbles.

It was always Fumbles.
 
2013-03-26 08:34:36 PM
This list is useless without:

i212.photobucket.com
He wears this suit everywhere!  How is he still alive?!?!
 
2013-03-26 08:35:15 PM

bdub77: I'll just sum this up:

Quick Kick - doesn't wear shoes
Sci-Fi - specialty is shooting a laser gun (like all the other Joes)
Grid-Iron - lame football player
Altitude - specialty is drawing maps after jumping out of a plane
Dee-Jay - DJ
Scoop - journalist
Banzai - pink wearing ninja
William "The Refrigerator" Perry - 85 Bears
Colonel Courage - paper pusher
Ice Cream Soldier - WTF has a flamethrower


He's conflating the TV show w/ the action figures (which is easy enough to do). The toys were cool b/c they had real weapons not that laser bs from the show.
 
2013-03-26 08:36:53 PM

eiger: He's conflating the TV show w/ the action figures (which is easy enough to do). The toys were cool b/c they had real weapons not that laser bs from the show.


Or maybe I'm out of touch. It looks like more of the modern Joe's have lasers... which, if true, would be lame.
 
2013-03-26 08:40:02 PM
If they ain't 11.5", they ain't GI Joes.
 
2013-03-26 08:45:05 PM
I had Scoop when I was a kid. I remember getting him because my dad worked at a newspaper, and I thought it was really cool that GI Joe had an "action reporter."

Ed Grubermann: If they ain't 11.5", they ain't GI Joes.


That's what she...nah, too easy.
 
2013-03-26 08:46:33 PM
I remember using Sci-Fi as a stand in for Robocop.
 
2013-03-26 08:46:39 PM

eiger: eiger: He's conflating the TV show w/ the action figures (which is easy enough to do). The toys were cool b/c they had real weapons not that laser bs from the show.

Or maybe I'm out of touch. It looks like more of the modern Joe's have lasers... which, if true, would be lame.


After the cartoon series caught on after the second mini-series, there were less 'real weapons' and everyone had laser rifles from the cartoon. The original line-up of the Joes had Snake-Eyes with an Uzi and a demolitions pack, Rock & Roll with a .50 LMG, Stalker with an M-16, and so on. Flash was the only one with a laser rifle and the only other man-portable laser was attached to the JUMP pack. Even the Cobra soldiers came with either an AKM or a sniper rifle.


Also....


img.gawkerassets.com


Is it just me or does Colonel Courage have a Terminator Assault Cannon with a one-shot combi-Melta?
 
2013-03-26 08:49:45 PM
Not that I paid the least bit of attention to G.I Joes after they shrank, but wasn't Ice Cream Soldier one of Sgt. Rock's Howling Commandos?

(google)

yup

www.oocities.org
 
2013-03-26 08:49:57 PM
Sgt. Rock also had an "Ice Cream Soldier."

But he didn't have this guy...

farm4.static.flickr.com
 
2013-03-26 08:50:14 PM
I never heard of the Ice Cream Soldier before. So, thanks for the post! But I think Somethingawful's articles should be posted to the Geek page if this stuff is getting greenlighted.
 
2013-03-26 09:03:14 PM
This list has a few flaws, mostly in its reasoning.

bdub77: I'll just sum this up:

Quick Kick - doesn't wear shoes


The costume thing isn't what makes him superfluous.  He wasn't military to start with.  He was recruited in the comics; in the cartoon he saved Alpine and Bazooka and joined the team during the Pyramid of Darkness.

Sci-Fi - specialty is shooting a laser gun (like all the other Joes)

They already had a specialist in the original team named Flash, and his uniform was far less.....anti-camouflagey

Grid-Iron - lame football player

Yeah, not gonna lie, he was useless, but not the first Joe football player:
  images3.wikia.nocookie.net

Altitude - specialty is drawing maps after jumping out of a plane

Hey, you know what else can make totally accurate representations of battlefields and other areas? Satellites. Or cameras glued to the bottom of planes.


Yeah, but the Joes never managed to hire a Satellite Launch and Survivability Expert - or every time they did, it was The Baroness in disguise.

Dee-Jay - DJ

Battle Force 2000 was the last gasp of a dying brand.  It was proof that the toy line had hit rock bottom.  After that, there was nowhere to go but.....

Scoop - journalist

...fark.  Okay, Operation: Dragonfire was rock bottom.  After that there was no way it could possibly...

Banzai - pink wearing ninja

HEY!  You skipped the Eco Warriors!  So if we're going to hunt through the early- and mid-90s for the worst pile of crap?  No, Ninja Force isn't even close:

www.yojoe.com
That's right, the fabled but unreleased "Ninja Commando Road Pig."  Because when I think of a ninja warrior, I skip past Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes and go straight to the guy who the other Dreadnoks complained about smelling bad.

William "The Refrigerator" Perry - 85 Bears

See above.

Colonel Courage - paper pusher

I admit the concept is a little ludicrous, but that's not the most ludicrous item in this entry:

which means while the other Joes are fighting and dying, slipping into a coma, only to be proclaimed just fine on a last-second voice-over

FTFY.  Am I the only one who thought the movie was an utterly irredeemable pile of shiat?

Ice Cream Soldier - WTF has a flamethrower

Yeah, why the hell couldn't they just re-skin Blowtorch?
 
2013-03-26 09:07:56 PM

RoyFokker'sGhost: eiger: eiger: He's conflating the TV show w/ the action figures (which is easy enough to do). The toys were cool b/c they had real weapons not that laser bs from the show.

Or maybe I'm out of touch. It looks like more of the modern Joe's have lasers... which, if true, would be lame.

After the cartoon series caught on after the second mini-series, there were less 'real weapons' and everyone had laser rifles from the cartoon. The original line-up of the Joes had Snake-Eyes with an Uzi and a demolitions pack, Rock & Roll with a .50 LMG, Stalker with an M-16, and so on. Flash was the only one with a laser rifle and the only other man-portable laser was attached to the JUMP pack. Even the Cobra soldiers came with either an AKM or a sniper rifle.


Also....


[img.gawkerassets.com image 470x289]


Is it just me or does Colonel Courage have a Terminator Assault Cannon with a one-shot combi-Melta?


I always thought the H.A.V.O.C. should have been an Adeptus Mechanicus vehicle:


4.bp.blogspot.com  i44.photobucket.com
 
2013-03-26 09:13:51 PM
came for fumbles. high fives
 
2013-03-26 09:14:13 PM

Nina_Hartley's_Ass: Sgt. Rock also had an "Ice Cream Soldier."

But he didn't have this guy...

[farm4.static.flickr.com image 744x850]


images1.wikia.nocookie.net
 
2013-03-26 09:20:09 PM
Happy Valentines Day, Nazis!
 
2013-03-26 09:21:09 PM

bdub77: Quick Kick - doesn't wear shoes


2.bp.blogspot.com

Shoot the glass!
 
2013-03-26 09:25:59 PM

Nina_Hartley's_Ass: Sgt. Rock also had an "Ice Cream Soldier."

But he didn't have this guy...

[farm4.static.flickr.com image 744x850]


Bulletman was a classic Whiz comics character - he use to share pages with Captain Marvel (the Shazam one) before DC bought him out. Last time I remember him being used was as a plot device in the Power of Shazam!/Starman crossover during the mid-90's.

/I miss Starman.
 
2013-03-26 09:27:42 PM

maltedmothball: js34603: Pork chop sandwhiches.

goes great with  Ice Cream Soldier

/you can store them in  "The Refrigerator"


And to think, you can still buy him!
http://www.ebay.com/itm/G-I-Joe-1994-Ice-Cream-Soldier-On-Card-Seale d- Complete-/321095852987?pt=US_Action_Figures&hash=item4ac2cde3bb
 
2013-03-26 09:28:08 PM
img.gawkerassets.com

"I already told you, I deal with the @#$% generals so the Joes don't have to. I have people skills! I am good at dealing with people, can't you understand that? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!"
 
2013-03-26 09:29:36 PM

Mad_Radhu: bdub77: Quick Kick - doesn't wear shoes



Shoot the glass!


Heh.

It also makes sense to shoot the glass on that COBRA tank....the one with the glass canopy. That's some fine design work, Lou.
 
2013-03-26 09:30:23 PM

Mad_Radhu: "I already told you, I deal with the @#$% generals so the Joes don't have to. I have people skills! I am good at dealing with people, can't you understand that? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!"


BWAHAHAHAHAAA!!!
 
2013-03-26 09:33:59 PM

NeoCortex42: Nina_Hartley's_Ass: Sgt. Rock also had an "Ice Cream Soldier."

But he didn't have this guy...

[farm4.static.flickr.com image 744x850]

[images1.wikia.nocookie.net image 769x620]


Is that Artie, the strongest man in the world?
 
2013-03-26 09:35:39 PM

RoyFokker'sGhost: Is it just me or does Colonel Courage have a Terminator Assault Cannon with a one-shot combi-Melta


Did he buy his gun from Serge?
img105.imageshack.us
 
2013-03-26 09:37:40 PM

bhcompy: NeoCortex42: Nina_Hartley's_Ass: Sgt. Rock also had an "Ice Cream Soldier."

But he didn't have this guy...

[farm4.static.flickr.com image 744x850]

[images1.wikia.nocookie.net image 769x620]

Is that Artie, the strongest man in the world?


Nope.  I figured there was no chance of the reference being obscure.

/and that's why I should have left a note
 
2013-03-26 09:47:21 PM
There were always some lame GI Joe dolls. My brother and I came up with a good way to reclaim the lame Joes for proper play: take them apart and reconfigure them. One of our favorites we called "Wild Flashfire" because his various limbs came from Wild Bill, Flash, and random parts from the bin.
 
2013-03-26 09:48:54 PM
Who wants a body massage?
 
2013-03-26 09:51:27 PM

theorellior: There were always some lame GI Joe dolls. My brother and I came up with a good way to reclaim the lame Joes for proper play: take them apart and reconfigure them. One of our favorites we called "Wild Flashfire" because his various limbs came from Wild Bill, Flash, and random parts from the bin.


So when did Hasbro hire you for toy design?  1989?  1990?
 
2013-03-26 09:51:45 PM

germ78: Who wants a body massage?


Last one in's a penis pump!
 
2013-03-26 09:54:36 PM

UNC_Samurai: So when did Hasbro hire you for toy design? 1989? 1990?


Would have been nice, but we had some of the original 1982 figures and played with them until maybe 1985, and then I went to high school and got too old for GI Joes.
 
2013-03-26 10:00:42 PM
But where's Mr. Bodymassage Machine?

/go!
 
2013-03-26 10:02:55 PM
Dolls?
 
2013-03-26 10:03:15 PM

PsyLord: This list is useless without:

[i212.photobucket.com image 336x504]
He wears this suit everywhere!  How is he still alive?!?!


Are you Buzz Lightyear?
 
2013-03-26 10:11:31 PM

theorellior: I went to high school and got too old for GI Joes.


i am so glad that never happened to me.  not kidding, one of the rooms in my apartment is full of gi joes.

i was okay with the list up until ice cream soldier.  seriously, the guy is wielding a huge flamethrower.  i think a guy like that would come in very handy on the battlefield.  just because he has a silly name doesn't make him useless.  and technically, the fridge was not a combat soldier, he was the physical trainer at the gi joe base, so he's just fine.  scoop and dee-jay had some use in combat.  i'll agree the rest of those guys were mostly useless.
 
2013-03-26 10:13:20 PM

Ed Grubermann: If they ain't 11.5", they ain't GI Joes.


You sound old.
 
2013-03-26 10:15:21 PM
DOOONT TAKE THE STICK
 
2013-03-26 10:15:57 PM
I'm surprised they didn't mention Shockwave, the GI Joe's resident SWAT expert whose secondary speciality was 'choir.'
 
2013-03-26 10:17:15 PM
As usual, list fail.

They had 10 guesses and still didn't name the most useless Joe of all time!

www.finalfrontiertoys.com


He was so anti gun he wouldn't grab the stock of a rifle once when someone tried to pull him out of a hole. What a farking loser.
 
2013-03-26 10:22:35 PM

twiztedjustin: As usual, list fail.

They had 10 guesses and still didn't name the most useless Joe of all time!

[www.finalfrontiertoys.com image 821x1200]


He was so anti gun he wouldn't grab the stock of a rifle once when someone tried to pull him out of a hole. What a farking loser.


Then why is he carrying an automatic pistol?

/lies make baby Jesus cry
 
2013-03-26 10:23:10 PM

twiztedjustin: As usual, list fail.

They had 10 guesses and still didn't name the most useless Joe of all time!

[www.finalfrontiertoys.com image 821x1200]


He was so anti gun he wouldn't grab the stock of a rifle once when someone tried to pull him out of a hole. What a farking loser.


Yet, he carries a sidearm.
 
2013-03-26 10:24:44 PM

twiztedjustin: As usual, list fail.

They had 10 guesses and still didn't name the most useless Joe of all time!




He was so anti gun he wouldn't grab the stock of a rifle once when someone tried to pull him out of a hole. What a farking loser.


Isn't he holding a pistol?
 
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