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(The Onion)   "'Yeah, of course gay men and women can get married. Who gives a shiat?' said Chief Justice John Roberts, 'Why are we even seriously discussing this?'"   (theonion.com) divider line 183
    More: Satire, Chief Justice John Roberts, supreme courts, gays, Mr. Cooper, dockets  
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10008 clicks; posted to Main » on 26 Mar 2013 at 1:39 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-03-26 01:12:08 PM
If conservatives didn't exist, the world would be a much nicer place.
 
2013-03-26 01:16:41 PM
I wish this was real
 
2013-03-26 01:18:08 PM

Lando Lincoln: If conservatives didn't exist, the world would be a much nicer place.


I think you mean the Christian Right.  I know plenty of great conservatives.  Hell, I'm way to the right when if comes to the economy, and government powers.
 
2013-03-26 01:18:43 PM
Regarding DOMA....A good friend of mine said it better than I could, so I want to throw this out there:

I'm loathe to admit it, but yeah, I dream about getting married someday. I want a damn dress and a party done up that showcases my personality, and shared responsibilities. I want love letters and family road trips to see Appalachia and the safety of knowing that if something ever happened to me, it would be one of my best friends that would take care of my baby. I want someone to be my see when I'm stuck on saw. As a Catholic straight woman I am certain that I haven't lived up to OTHER people's expectations of what GOD wants of ME; I sin right and left, totally aware of it, and then do it again. And yet somehow, with my unworthy track record, I can get married any ol' damn time I want to.
Bull.
I have no hand in the marriage plot. I am most often single, occasionally breaking a heart and getting mine trampled in return. Yet I still dream that I have a shot. And because I am straight, my dream can continue to interrupt my life with it's slim chance of MAYBE THIS WILL HAPPEN. Meanwhile, I have a lot of friends who really are coupled, no maybe about it, and who are lesbian or gay, and their dreams of marriage are just like mine. They deserve all that happiness and hardship that they've accumulated in their experiences to result in the same legally recognized relationship status as I may be so lucky to one day enjoy. So I am an ally. I rarely rant here. Pardon me for doing so. Cheers!
 
2013-03-26 01:47:29 PM
Ten minutes into oral arguments over whether or not homosexuals should be allowed to marry one another, a visibly confounded Supreme Court stopped legal proceedings Tuesday and ruled that gay marriage was "perfectly fine" and that the court could "care less who marries whom."

Damn, I hate this--it's bad enough when people say this in casual conversation, but it should never appear in print.  Yes, in reality rather than in satire, it appears that the members of the Supreme Court could actually care a helluva lot less about who marries whom.  The Onion needs to do a little better on editing its writing.
 
2013-03-26 01:48:34 PM

Lando Lincoln: If conservatives didn't exist, the world would be a much nicer place.


For some reason, when progressives are left unchecked, there seems to be a lot of purges and mass murders of dissenters.
 
2013-03-26 01:49:06 PM

Lando Lincoln: If conservatives didn't exist, the world would be a much nicer place.


So the state of California is conservative. Hmm would not have guessed that.
 
2013-03-26 01:49:38 PM
Is it wrong of me to hope some group of knuckleheads thinks this is a real deal kinda story and runs with it, just so we can openly mock them?

/I'll start the popcorn.
 
2013-03-26 01:49:53 PM

Cyberluddite: Ten minutes into oral arguments over whether or not homosexuals should be allowed to marry one another, a visibly confounded Supreme Court stopped legal proceedings Tuesday and ruled that gay marriage was "perfectly fine" and that the court could "care less who marries whom."

Damn, I hate this--it's bad enough when people say this in casual conversation, but it should never appear in print.  Yes, in reality rather than in satire, it appears that the members of the Supreme Court could actually care a helluva lot less about who marries whom.  The Onion needs to do a little better on editing its writing.


The phrase "could care less", when attempting to convey the sentiment that lesser concern is impossible, is acceptable if the statement is issued with noticeable inflections of sarcasm.
 
2013-03-26 01:50:42 PM

This text is now purple: Lando Lincoln: If conservatives didn't exist, the world would be a much nicer place.

For some reason, when progressives are left unchecked, there seems to be a lot of purges and mass murders of dissenters.


Was that wrong? Should they not have done that?
 
2013-03-26 01:51:49 PM
I think it would be better phrased: If religion didn't hold such power over the mindless in powerful position; regardless of political affiliation.
But that's just me.
 
2013-03-26 01:51:57 PM

queezyweezel: Lando Lincoln: If conservatives didn't exist, the world would be a much nicer place.

I think you mean the Christian Right.  I know plenty of great conservatives.  Hell, I'm way to the right when if comes to the economy, and government powers.


I think you mean religious people.  Particularly religious people who don't keep their religions to themselves.
 
2013-03-26 01:52:08 PM
"I'm a strict Originalist, Mr. Cooper, and I'm looking at a 14th Amendment that forbids any state from denying any person equal protection of the law," Associate Justice Antonin Scalia said. "So, unless we are the most uncivilized society on the face of God's green earth, I think we can all agree that a gay person is in fact a person. So what I'm saying is, who the fark are we to tell a person who he or she can get married to? This is dumb. Can we talk about a real case now, please?"

When the Onion gets it right, they really get it right.
 
2013-03-26 01:52:12 PM

Decillion: This text is now purple: Lando Lincoln: If conservatives didn't exist, the world would be a much nicer place.

For some reason, when progressives are left unchecked, there seems to be a lot of purges and mass murders of dissenters.

Was that wrong? Should they not have done that?


It would be one thing is they were satisfied after one round. But permanent revolution tends to constantly create new targets.
 
2013-03-26 01:53:15 PM
 "Do you honestly care this much about this issue? Because if you do, you're a real goddamn idiot. Actually, you sound as dumb as dog shiat, and you are wasting our time."

That sums up the whole "gay marriage issue" quite nicely.
 
2013-03-26 01:53:27 PM

Cyberluddite: Ten minutes into oral arguments over whether or not homosexuals should be allowed to marry one another, a visibly confounded Supreme Court stopped legal proceedings Tuesday and ruled that gay marriage was "perfectly fine" and that the court could "care less who marries whom."

Damn, I hate this--it's bad enough when people say this in casual conversation, but it should never appear in print.  Yes, in reality rather than in satire, it appears that the members of the Supreme Court could actually care a helluva lot less about who marries whom.  The Onion needs to do a little better on editing its writing.


I think it works well in the article as is. You don't need overly formal language in order to define and decide the issue. Common idioms are more than sufficient, and so it uses a rather abusive one.
 
2013-03-26 01:54:15 PM
They're sexual deviants who will most certainly be going to hell for eternity.
As long as that's understood, I don't see why they can't marry each other.
 
2013-03-26 01:54:53 PM

This text is now purple: Lando Lincoln: If conservatives didn't exist, the world would be a much nicer place.

For some reason, when progressives are left unchecked, there seems to be a lot of purges and mass murders of dissenters.


Which progressives are you referring to?
 
2013-03-26 01:55:25 PM

Lando Lincoln: If conservatives didn't exist, the world would be a much nicer place.


Done in one.
 
2013-03-26 01:55:47 PM

Real Women Drink Akvavit: Is it wrong of me to hope some group of knuckleheads thinks this is a real deal kinda story and runs with it, just so we can openly mock them?

/I'll start the popcorn.


Here ya go. I like extra butter.
http://literallyunbelievable.org/
 
2013-03-26 01:56:47 PM

doubled99: They're sexual deviants who will most certainly be going to hell for eternity.
As long as that's understood, I don't see why they can't marry each other.


What, and you aren't?

Then I definitely don't want to party with you, Mr. Missionary.
 
2013-03-26 01:57:40 PM

doubled99: They're sexual deviants who will most certainly be going to hell for eternity.
As long as that's understood, I don't see why they can't marry each other.


I figured you had to be trolling and didn't really believe that, then I checked your profile and saw that you're from Redlands, CA (an appropriate name for a town if ever they was one).  So given that, it's quite possible that your post was 100% serious.
 
2013-03-26 01:57:45 PM
The supreme court seems to be a microcosm of what's wrong with our judicial system today... they're trying to decide what's right for the country and rule based on that, rather than just do their basic job and examine the law for conflicts with the constitutional guarantees of equal treatment.  Anybody remember when the courts just interpreted the law?

There's a lot of parallels between our society today and the decline of the Roman empire.  Which implies that sooner or later a horde of eskimos will eventually sack Washington a couple of times before the capital gets moved to Houston.  I'm looking forward to it.
 
2013-03-26 01:57:54 PM
Well I'm bisexual....

When do I get to marry a man AND a woman?

Because that's the only way I would ever consider getting married.
 
2013-03-26 01:58:12 PM
Also, SCOTUS needs to overturn all the crappy statues limiting what techniques a couple can use in the bedroom.  The stupid, drooling, why-is-this-even-on-the-books ones that were originally passed to give the right wing[nutt]ers something they could legally use against gays.

I don't think it will affect anybody's actual day to day lives in the slightest.  I just want to be able to tell my gf that "the supreme court said it was okay!" when I'm trying to convince her to give me a bj.
 
2013-03-26 01:59:05 PM
Following a link in today's Rude Pundit blog post, I was reading the affront to grammar, logical thought, and rationality that passes for human shiat-bag and redundantly named idiot Erick Erickson's  blog: http://www.redstate.com/2013/03/26/gay-marriage-and-religious-freedom - are-not-compatible/.

You should, needless to say, not read this. It is terrible and boils down to "WHAAAAAAAHHHHHH! JEEBUS SAID NOT TO!!!!! IF'N THE GAYS GET MARRIED THE SKY WIZARD WILL BE UNHAPPY!!!!! WHHAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! CHANGE MY DIAPER!!!!!!" It adds nothing to the current discourse, and you will only feel stupider for having read it.

No, the reason I bring it up is that it introduced me to a new stupid concept of which I was until this very moment entirely unaware: "the democracy of the dead." It is the democracy of the dead, Erick2 asserts, that has already decided gay marriage is wrong. I had no idea what this was, and clicked on the lmgtfy link he so helpfully provided, whereupon I was treated with this little turd: "Tradition means giving a vote to most obscure of all classes, our ancestors. It is the democracy of the dead. Tradition refuses to submit to the small and arrogant oligarchy of those who merely happen to be walking about. All democrats object to men being disqualified by the accident of birth; tradition objects to their being disqualified by the accident of death. Democracy tells us not to neglect a good man's opinion, even if he is our groom; tradition asks us not to neglect a good man's opinion, even if he is our father."

HOLY SHIATSNACKS, IS THIS WHAT CONSERVATIVES ACTUALLY BELIEVE??? I mean, damn, how farking stupid do you have to be that this makes any kind of sense to you?
 
2013-03-26 01:59:20 PM

SpdrJay: Well I'm bisexual....

When do I get to marry a man AND a woman?

Because that's the only way I would ever consider getting married.


You're next, don't worry.
 
2013-03-26 01:59:55 PM

Cyberluddite: Ten minutes into oral arguments over whether or not homosexuals should be allowed to marry one another, a visibly confounded Supreme Court stopped legal proceedings Tuesday and ruled that gay marriage was "perfectly fine" and that the court could "care less who marries whom."

Damn, I hate this--it's bad enough when people say this in casual conversation, but it should never appear in print.  Yes, in reality rather than in satire, it appears that the members of the Supreme Court could actually care a helluva lot less about who marries whom.  The Onion needs to do a little better on editing its writing.


I thought it was understood that the term "Could care less" actually means "couldn't care less" by people who aren't grammar nazis. Yes, we know it's wrong, it's an idiom (I think) that everyone understands even if it's grammatically incorrect.

Also, it's the Onion, maybe they threw that in there as an extra clever poke. Who know, I could care less.
 
2013-03-26 01:59:58 PM

DirkTheDaring: Real Women Drink Akvavit: Is it wrong of me to hope some group of knuckleheads thinks this is a real deal kinda story and runs with it, just so we can openly mock them?

/I'll start the popcorn.

Here ya go. I like extra butter.
http://literallyunbelievable.org/


You have brought Schadenfreude -laden tears to my eyes, sir. For that, I am grateful.

/extra butter popcorn comin' right up
//then - to Facebook!
 
2013-03-26 02:00:11 PM

SpdrJay: Well I'm bisexual....

When do I get to marry a man AND a woman?

Because that's the only way I would ever consider getting married.


Why would you want to mess your life up that badly?
 
2013-03-26 02:02:13 PM
I think SCOTUS will rule in favor of gay marriage, 7-2.

I think we all know who the 2 odd men out would be.
 
2013-03-26 02:02:33 PM

unlikely: I wish this was real


This :-/
 
2013-03-26 02:03:13 PM

over_and_done: Also, SCOTUS needs to overturn all the crappy statues limiting what techniques a couple can use in the bedroom.  The stupid, drooling, why-is-this-even-on-the-books ones that were originally passed to give the right wing[nutt]ers something they could legally use against gays.

I don't think it will affect anybody's actual day to day lives in the slightest.  I just want to be able to tell my gf that "the supreme court said it was okay!" when I'm trying to convince her to give me a bj.


They did.  In Lawrence v. Texas. Not that this decision somehow physically erases all of those laws off of the books (it's up to the states to do that), but the're null and void and they can't be enforced.

So don't worry about the legality of your BJs.
 
2013-03-26 02:03:50 PM

Decillion: This text is now purple: Lando Lincoln: If conservatives didn't exist, the world would be a much nicer place.

For some reason, when progressives are left unchecked, there seems to be a lot of purges and mass murders of dissenters.

Was that wrong? Should they not have done that?


It's funny how you think a totalitarian/authoritarian cares about whether they are perceived as conservative or progressive for any reason but the most superficial and propagandistic. They care about power and control, regardless of whether their power base initially started out on the right or the left of the political spectrum. Stalin (a communist dictator, nominally left-wing) and Mussolini (a fascist dictator, nominally right-wing) had far more in common with each other than they have in common with any politician who actually respects the democratic process and actually wants society to progress.
 
2013-03-26 02:04:23 PM

Prank Call of Cthulhu: HOLY SHIATSNACKS, IS THIS WHAT CONSERVATIVES ACTUALLY BELIEVE??? I mean, damn, how farking stupid do you have to be that this makes any kind of sense to you?


Duh. That's the core of conservatism. "Things are okay the way they are. We've been doing it that way for a long time now, and while it's not perfect, it's pretty good. If we change the laws then things might become worse, so we shouldn't mess with it."
 
2013-03-26 02:04:24 PM

Decillion: This text is now purple: Lando Lincoln: If conservatives didn't exist, the world would be a much nicer place.

For some reason, when progressives are left unchecked, there seems to be a lot of purges and mass murders of dissenters.

Was that wrong? Should they not have done that?


It is ALWAYS for the greater good.
 
2013-03-26 02:04:31 PM

queezyweezel: Regarding DOMA....A good friend of mine said it better than I could, so I want to throw this out there:

I'm loathe to admit it, but yeah, I dream about getting married someday. I want a damn dress and a party done up that showcases my personality, and shared responsibilities. I want love letters and family road trips to see Appalachia and the safety of knowing that if something ever happened to me, it would be one of my best friends that would take care of my baby. I want someone to be my see when I'm stuck on saw. As a Catholic straight woman I am certain that I haven't lived up to OTHER people's expectations of what GOD wants of ME; I sin right and left, totally aware of it, and then do it again. And yet somehow, with my unworthy track record, I can get married any ol' damn time I want to.
Bull.
I have no hand in the marriage plot. I am most often single, occasionally breaking a heart and getting mine trampled in return. Yet I still dream that I have a shot. And because I am straight, my dream can continue to interrupt my life with it's slim chance of MAYBE THIS WILL HAPPEN. Meanwhile, I have a lot of friends who really are coupled, no maybe about it, and who are lesbian or gay, and their dreams of marriage are just like mine. They deserve all that happiness and hardship that they've accumulated in their experiences to result in the same legally recognized relationship status as I may be so lucky to one day enjoy. So I am an ally. I rarely rant here. Pardon me for doing so. Cheers!


THIS.
Beautiful.
+10
Would read again.
 
2013-03-26 02:04:49 PM

This text is now purple: Decillion: This text is now purple: Lando Lincoln: If conservatives didn't exist, the world would be a much nicer place.

For some reason, when progressives are left unchecked, there seems to be a lot of purges and mass murders of dissenters.

Was that wrong? Should they not have done that?

It would be one thing is they were satisfied after one round. But permanent revolution tends to constantly create new targets.


Its the capitalists final defense. Being so deeply and wildly vile that anyone our group who carries out executions in the numbers that are deserved will lose soul and their empathy and won't be able to stop.
 
2013-03-26 02:06:06 PM

over_and_done: Also, SCOTUS needs to overturn all the crappy statues limiting what techniques a couple can use in the bedroom.  The stupid, drooling, why-is-this-even-on-the-books ones that were originally passed to give the right wing[nutt]ers something they could legally use against gays.

I don't think it will affect anybody's actual day to day lives in the slightest.  I just want to be able to tell my gf that "the supreme court said it was okay!" when I'm trying to convince her to give me a bj.


There's a few midsize towns in Kansas that took the ancient laws off the books. Yet the small pop. surrounding counties didn't. Each town now is surrounded by a halo of no bj zones. They need a GPS app that tells you whether to proceed or not.
 
2013-03-26 02:06:54 PM

ComicBookGuy: I think SCOTUS will rule in favor of gay marriage, 7-2.

I think we all know who the 2 odd men out would be.


I'm pretty sure every single SC judge can see the writing on the wall and they know that gay marriage will be the law of the land sooner or later. The question is, do they want to go down in the history books as the judges that allow it or do they want to be known as the judges that defied it and were later overruled?
 
2013-03-26 02:07:08 PM

Lando Lincoln: If conservatives didn't exist, the world would be a much nicer place.


I feel the same way about assholes like you.
 
2013-03-26 02:08:17 PM

Cyberluddite: Damn, I hate this--it's bad enough when people say this in casual conversation, but it should never appear in print. Yes, in reality rather than in satire, it appears that the members of the Supreme Court could actually care a helluva lot less about who marries whom. The Onion needs to do a little better on editing its writing.


You got trolled, good sir. There's always at least one glaring grammar error per article to reel 'em in.
 
2013-03-26 02:08:45 PM

doubled99: They're sexual deviants who will most certainly be going to hell for eternity.
As long as that's understood, I don't see why they can't marry each other.


Don't forget those mixed race marriages, they're going to hell, too.

And the sodomizers, they're headed down below too. Actually pretty much all the cool people are going to hell.
 
2013-03-26 02:10:42 PM

SpdrJay: Well I'm bisexual....

When do I get to marry a man AND a woman?

Because that's the only way I would ever consider getting married.


Become a JOP, pastor or ship's Captain.  Then you should be able to marry all the men and woman you want.
 
2013-03-26 02:10:47 PM
If only this were true.  I could really give two shiats if any of you wanna gay marry each other or abort your babies or fark a chicken or whatever.  Just don't try to gay marry me, don't abort my babies, and don't fark my chicken and we'll be ok.
 
2013-03-26 02:11:06 PM
Gay marriage is okay i56.tinypic.com
 
2013-03-26 02:11:08 PM
Sometimes The Onion should be reality.
 
2013-03-26 02:11:42 PM

Farce-Side: If only this were true.  I could really give two shiats if any of you wanna gay marry each other or abort your babies or fark a chicken or whatever.  Just don't try to gay marry me, don't abort my babies, and don't fark my chicken and we'll be ok.


Maybe your chicken shouldn't dress like such a slut.
 
2013-03-26 02:12:34 PM

doubled99: They're sexual deviants who will most certainly be going to hell for eternity.
As long as that's understood, I don't see why they can't marry each other.


Sadly, in the South, this thought would pass for "progress" on the issue.
 
2013-03-26 02:13:07 PM

SpdrJay: Well I'm bisexual....

When do I get to marry a man AND a woman?

Because that's the only way I would ever consider getting married.


Stop kidding yourself. You're not bisexual. You're just really really really horny. You slut.
 
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