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(Cracked)   Have you ever wanted a personal helper monkey? Just remember the goods and bads of owning one   (cracked.com ) divider line
    More: Advice, Hot Pockets, Caligula  
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10347 clicks; posted to Main » on 23 Mar 2013 at 5:44 PM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



70 Comments     (+0 »)
 
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2013-03-23 03:05:14 PM  
Monkey sh*t. Monkey sh*t everywhere.
 
2013-03-23 03:48:03 PM  
All I know about helper monkeys I learned from "Malcolm in the middle"
 
2013-03-23 03:53:51 PM  
"the goods and bads" submitter?

Did your helper monkey type that for you?
 
2013-03-23 04:27:11 PM  
Pray for mojo


img185.imageshack.us
 
2013-03-23 04:48:40 PM  
There are dumb-ass Cracked articles, and then there's this one.
 
2013-03-23 04:52:01 PM  

Demetrius: There are dumb-ass Cracked articles, and then there's this one.


That article was really farking stupid.
 
2013-03-23 04:59:07 PM  
Pro: monkey
Con: monkey
 
2013-03-23 05:20:05 PM  
Careful what you say, people.   Don't taunt the helper monkey.
 
2013-03-23 05:47:33 PM  
Not even going to bother clicking on it. The helper monkey probably made it three "pages" long in one narrow column.
 
2013-03-23 05:49:12 PM  
Monkey Shines was a terrible movie.
 
2013-03-23 05:49:38 PM  
I just had all these weird farking thoughts rush through my head as to teaching a monkey to do perverted things.  Oh god I need to rinse my brain out!
 
2013-03-23 05:52:24 PM  

Ryker's Peninsula: Monkey Shines was a terrible movie.


God damnit, I was headed here to post this.

www.jonathanrosenbaum.com
 
2013-03-23 05:52:44 PM  

Chariset: "the goods and bads" submitter?

Did your helper monkey type that for you?


i.imgur.com
"It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times?! you stupid monkey!

 
2013-03-23 05:57:56 PM  
majikthise.typepad.com
 
2013-03-23 06:00:34 PM  
I ordered a personal helper monkey, but I got dynamite monkey instead.....
 
2013-03-23 06:00:52 PM  
After that lady got mauled by that chimp, I want nothing to do with monkeys.
 
2013-03-23 06:01:06 PM  
But is a helper monkey all it's cracked up to be? Hey, I just said the name of the website! Heh.

In order to evaluate the awesomeness


Ok normally Cracked is one of the better things on Fark. But if you're going to smoke the Awesome Herb while writing this, I'm not going to read it.
 
2013-03-23 06:07:12 PM  
Con: the chain of events inevitably leading to crossbow murder

4.bp.blogspot.com
DNRTFA
 
2013-03-23 06:08:18 PM  
i306.photobucket.com
 
2013-03-23 06:08:32 PM  

lasercannon: [majikthise.typepad.com image 312x239]


Came for this, leaving satisfied.
 
2013-03-23 06:09:34 PM  

Three Crooked Squirrels: Demetrius: There are dumb-ass Cracked articles, and then there's this one.

That article was really farking stupid.


FTA: But is a helper monkey all it's cracked up to be? Hey, I just said the name of the website! Heh.

Seriously.
 
2013-03-23 06:09:42 PM  
img541.imageshack.us
 
2013-03-23 06:15:31 PM  

I_Am_Weasel: Careful what you say, people.   Don't taunt the helper monkey.


Indeed, Also don't let it borrow your weapon.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GhxqIITtTtU
 
2013-03-23 06:20:58 PM  
That reminds me, I need to go feed my trunk monkey.
 
2013-03-23 06:24:30 PM  
s10.postimg.org

Haven't you always wanted a mon-key?
 
2013-03-23 06:28:29 PM  

JosephFinn: Ryker's Peninsula: Monkey Shines was a terrible movie.

God damnit, I was headed here to post this.

[www.jonathanrosenbaum.com image 519x336]


I'm so old, I saw that movie in the theaters in college.  Dragged a bunch of friends to go see it.  Sounds dumb, they said.  It's George Romero, I said, it must be awesome.  Two hours later, I lost a bunch of friends.
 
2013-03-23 06:30:45 PM  
images2.wikia.nocookie.net
 
2013-03-23 06:31:20 PM  
i47.tinypic.com
 
2013-03-23 06:35:43 PM  

SpdrJay: I ordered a personal helper monkey, but I got dynamite monkey instead.....


images.wikia.com
 
2013-03-23 06:35:59 PM  
Yeah, but we all know how having a helper monkey ends up.

www.stumptuous.com
 
2013-03-23 06:41:57 PM  
Liebe meine Apschminki!
1.bp.blogspot.com
 
2013-03-23 06:51:06 PM  
running out of helper monkey references....
mimg.ugo.com
"Bad dates."
 
2013-03-23 06:52:54 PM  
Helper monkeys, kids, all the same when a want a cold beer
 
2013-03-23 06:57:29 PM  
i.imgur.com
 
2013-03-23 06:59:40 PM  
To whoever mentioned it farther up the thread (sorry the phone won't let me quote you and I can only see 3 or 4 comments at a time): I too had thoughts about all of the perverted shiat you could teach a helper monkey to do. To other people of course not to me. You could be a Monkey Pimp, I can't think of a more awsome title.
 
2013-03-23 07:02:08 PM  
Speaking of pet peeve, I really, truly, and deeply despise anyone who claims that their pet is a "helper animal" solely because they want, for themselves and their pet, the privileges given actual helper animals when it comes to public access & interaction. There are folks out there who really do need helper animals to deal with not just physical, but also psychological, hurdles, and these assholes make a mockery of that need.

No different than pretending to be handicapped just to get a parking placard, and just as friggin' despicable.
 
2013-03-23 07:05:04 PM  

jake_lex: Yeah, but we all know how having a helper monkey ends up.

[www.stumptuous.com image 500x375]


But then you simply pick up another in any of three decorator colors.

i51.photobucket.com
 
2013-03-23 07:05:18 PM  
Pete Tork unavailable for comment.
 
2013-03-23 07:06:30 PM  

Ryker's Peninsula: Monkey Shines was a terrible movie.


Came to say, as long as no monkey shines, it's all good.

Also, the monkey has potassium benzoate.
 
2013-03-23 07:09:43 PM  

LovingTeacher: To whoever mentioned it farther up the thread (sorry the phone won't let me quote you and I can only see 3 or 4 comments at a time): I too had thoughts about all of the perverted shiat you could teach a helper monkey to do. To other people of course not to me. You could be a Monkey Pimp, I can't think of a more awsome title.


That was me and you can't be a "Monkey Pimp" unless you can master the "monkey pimp walk".  And of course you would need a cool Monkey Pimp name, of which I can't think of any at the moment because I'm too busy stuffing my face with pulled pork sammiches that I made (smoker) today.
 
2013-03-23 07:10:31 PM  
I've read the headline four different times and I still cannot fathom the amount of lead paint subby consumed as a child
 
2013-03-23 07:12:34 PM  

The Incredible Sexual Egg: I've read the headline four different times and I still cannot fathom the amount of lead paint subby consumed as a child


I'm a child of the 50s, when lead paint was everywhere.  Made perfect sense to me.
 
2013-03-23 07:14:44 PM  
I like the one after it about 9 movie villains who where really the good guys.
 
2013-03-23 07:21:51 PM  
Monkeys give me the willies. I could never have a helper monkey, I'd always be expecting it to tear my face off. Little bastard would probably hold your face up like a trophy and cackle maniacally.

/ face
// off
/// not helpful!
 
2013-03-23 07:24:45 PM  
shhh, you're supposed to call the personnel helper monkeys HR.  Do you want one of them to get you fired!?
 
2013-03-23 07:25:07 PM  
Medic Zero: Monkeys give me the willies. I could never have a helper monkey, I'd always be expecting it to tear my face off. Little bastard would probably hold your face up like a trophy and cackle maniacally.

/ face
// off
/// not helpful!


If I was gonna have a helper primate I'd want a gorilla. At least if it goes apeshiat on you it would probably kill you before you knew what hit you.
 
2013-03-23 07:28:06 PM  
No reference to the GTA Vice city commercial this guy probably stole it from?

Fark is right above CNN lately
 
2013-03-23 07:32:46 PM  

FormlessOne: Speaking of pet peeve, I really, truly, and deeply despise anyone who claims that their pet is a "helper animal" solely because they want, for themselves and their pet, the privileges given actual helper animals when it comes to public access & interaction. There are folks out there who really do need helper animals to deal with not just physical, but also psychological, hurdles, and these assholes make a mockery of that need.

No different than pretending to be handicapped just to get a parking placard, and just as friggin' despicable.


If you can pretend your way past a doctor to get a Handicap Parking placard that has to be one POS doctor.
 
2013-03-23 07:38:56 PM  
1.bp.blogspot.com
 
2013-03-23 07:45:20 PM  

whither_apophis: All I know about helper monkeys I learned from "Malcolm in the middle"


That episode was a classic. Might have to find/watch it again now.
 
2013-03-23 07:47:21 PM  
Well bim 1154 I have the white male lack of rythym so the "Monkey Pimp Walk" is right the fark out but the perfect name would be "The Man with the Yellow Hat". Kinda creepy but with just the right amount of reference to your childhood to make it loveable.
 
2013-03-23 07:57:59 PM  

LovingTeacher: Well bim 1154 I have the white male lack of rythym so the "Monkey Pimp Walk" is right the fark out but the perfect name would be "The Man with the Yellow Hat". Kinda creepy but with just the right amount of reference to your childhood to make it loveable.


Well you got the name and I'm about 2 months away from getting my hip replaced so for the time being I think I have the Pimp walk down fairly well.
 
2013-03-23 07:59:03 PM  
encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com

This is not the sort of "help" you need.
 
2013-03-23 08:09:21 PM  
Can I have a midget, or an irish child?
 
2013-03-23 08:09:30 PM  
bim 1154 you could use the name for a slight licensing fee. You could also reference that horrible Dylan song "Someone and the Monkey Man" but no one liked the song and it lacks the creepy vibe of the other one.
 
2013-03-23 09:51:35 PM  
I think this is officially one of the worst/most stupid/poorly written article I've seen greenlit on Fark. Did somebody's idiot friend write this or something?
 
2013-03-23 10:09:07 PM  
CHIMPS ARE NOT MONKEYS. THEY ARE APES. THEY DO NOT HAVE TAILS.

[pant pant pant]

Yep, I unleashed the farking fury, goldurninit.
 
2013-03-23 11:12:01 PM  
My buddy has a Capuchin. Coolest thing in the whole world. Her name is Molly. She's smart as hell too. Knows how to figure out combination locks.
 
2013-03-23 11:36:11 PM  

Day_Old_Dutchie: [s10.postimg.org image 570x475]

Haven't you always wanted a mon-key?


Two ways I know this image was made by a Canadian:

1. "Kraft Dinner" instead of "Kraft Macaroni & Cheese".
2. Ketchup as a companion to mac & cheese. Only a Canadian would do that.

/Well, that or a Canada-leaning Michigander.
//Which I am, which explains why I actually do say "Kraft Dinner" and use ketchup with mac & cheese.
 
2013-03-23 11:50:53 PM  
No mention of Y: The Last Man yet?

Fark, I am disappoint.
 
2013-03-24 12:41:49 AM  
Since no body else posted a picture of it...
farm3.staticflickr.com
 
2013-03-24 01:19:16 AM  
You take the good
you take the bad
you take them both
and then you have
a helper monkey
a helper moinkey
 
2013-03-24 03:07:29 AM  
I went to a lady's house that owned a capuchin monkey once. It took to grooming me, which was basically pulling on my arm hairs, which hurt like crazy.
 
2013-03-24 05:13:33 AM  
www.behindthevoiceactors.com
 
2013-03-24 07:17:25 AM  
How about this helper monkey...
 
2013-03-24 07:18:22 AM  
Try this again...
 
2013-03-24 07:19:38 AM  
This time...www.chud.com
 
2013-03-24 10:04:32 AM  
NO. Monkeys are creepy and have sharp teeth.
 
2013-03-24 11:21:15 AM  
monkey hate clean
 
2013-03-24 01:00:47 PM  

Day_Old_Dutchie: Haven't you always wanted a mon-key?


Where's the green dress? (Not a real green dress, that's cruel.)
 
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