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(Cracked)   Five situations where it's totally okay to lie   (cracked.com ) divider line
    More: Silly, Fred Savage, Persian rugs  
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17430 clicks; posted to Main » on 18 Mar 2013 at 7:35 AM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



119 Comments     (+0 »)
 
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2013-03-18 04:29:12 AM  
I see what I did there.
 
2013-03-18 05:07:16 AM  
Great find subby.  As a mod/min I'm going to green light this for you!
 
2013-03-18 06:34:21 AM  
"Do you know why I pulled you over?"
"Does this make me look fat?"
 
2013-03-18 07:43:36 AM  
(featured partner)
 
2013-03-18 07:44:05 AM  
Excellent headline.
no, really.
 
2013-03-18 07:46:09 AM  
"would you like fries with that?"

i often lie and say no
cause i'm on a diet
 
2013-03-18 07:48:13 AM  
who the fark lies during job interviews?  Quickest way to not get hired IMO
 
2013-03-18 07:51:51 AM  

thecpt: who the fark lies during job interviews?  Quickest way to not get hired IMO


Right? Obviously the dude's never had a job where you actually have to know what the hell you're doing.
 
2013-03-18 07:51:56 AM  
Immanuel Kant judges the morality of an action on its adherence to the categorical imperative. So lying, even in the cases provided in the article, is morally wrong.

However, telling a truth that is meant to misdirect and confuse is morally acceptable due to the effort to remain true to the categorical imperative. The consequence of an action, in this case to mislead the listener, is irrelevant to whether an action is moral or not.
 
2013-03-18 07:53:23 AM  

thecpt: who the fark lies during job interviews?  Quickest way to not get hired IMO


you must be young. bless your heart. seriously the best jobs i ever had, i had no business being in my position. lie through your teeth, they're doing it to you. tell them what they want to hear.
 
2013-03-18 07:55:09 AM  

KrispyKritter: seriously the best jobs i ever had, i had no business being in my position. lie through your teeth, they're doing it to you. tell them what they want to hear.


Ugh.  That must suck.  I just rely on being qualified for the jobs I'm applying for.  It helps when you have to show up on your first day to be able to do what you promised.
 
2013-03-18 07:56:31 AM  
These are all correct.   Although if you have the opportunity to lie with all 4 at the same time, you might have some issues.
 
2013-03-18 07:57:44 AM  
Everyone lies in job interviews, some to the interviewer and some to themselves.
 
2013-03-18 07:59:08 AM  
what if they ask her did you molest her
 
2013-03-18 08:04:14 AM  
why do I bother to read that crap.
 
2013-03-18 08:07:32 AM  

Marcintosh: why do I bother to read that crap.


At one point, Cracked articles were funny and sometimes insightful.  Now they just read like an editorial in a school newspaper written by someone whose friends tell him he's funny.
 
2013-03-18 08:08:29 AM  

KrispyKritter: thecpt: who the fark lies during job interviews?  Quickest way to not get hired IMO

you must be young. bless your heart. seriously the best jobs i ever had, i had no business being in my position. lie through your teeth, they're doing it to you. tell them what they want to hear.


No wonder I'm surrounded by incompetence.
 
2013-03-18 08:09:41 AM  
Missing:


Lying to yourself. About anything and everything.
 
2013-03-18 08:11:25 AM  
Why do I want to work here? To get a paycheck and continue eating, you dipshiat. Don't pretend that you don't know why I want to work here. I want to get paid. Where do I see myself in 5 years? Anywhere that pays me more or is more satisfying than the job I left.
 
2013-03-18 08:12:18 AM  

kwame: Now they just read like an editorial in a school newspaper written by someone whose friends tell him he's funny.


Depends on their writer/editor and subject matter.  They are still insightful if they have a historical premise or let's say a subject that you could of had in school.  If it's a made up thing like this, then it's likely stupid opinion.

I like their movie ones
 
2013-03-18 08:14:16 AM  

gadian: Anywhere that pays me more or is more satisfying than the job I left.


I just finished interviewing at a place and the department head said, and I quote as well as memory serves, "people don't leave their job because of money."  Why the fark do you think I'm here while I still have another job?

Apparently it's a prevailing sentiment with employers.
 
2013-03-18 08:15:25 AM  

gadian: Why do I want to work here? To get a paycheck and continue eating, you dipshiat. Don't pretend that you don't know why I want to work here. I want to get paid. Where do I see myself in 5 years? Anywhere that pays me more or is more satisfying than the job I left.


when they ask me that, i tell them i want to be a singer for a band
 
2013-03-18 08:17:00 AM  

kwame: KrispyKritter: seriously the best jobs i ever had, i had no business being in my position. lie through your teeth, they're doing it to you. tell them what they want to hear.

Ugh.  That must suck.  I just rely on being qualified for the jobs I'm applying for.  It helps when you have to show up on your first day to be able to do what you promised.


Oh, kwame. What *won't* you say?
 
2013-03-18 08:17:43 AM  
Fark politics tab missing. List is incomplete.
 
2013-03-18 08:18:32 AM  
seriously the best jobs i ever had, i had no business being in my position. lie through your teeth, they're doing it to you. tell them what they want to hear.

Ugh.  That must suck.  I just rely on being qualified for the jobs I'm applying for.  It helps when you have to show up on your first day to be able to do what you promised.



Oh, STFU
 
2013-03-18 08:20:00 AM  

doubled99: Oh, STFU


Aw.  Is ums upset?  Does ums need a tummy wub?

F*cking moron.
 
2013-03-18 08:20:34 AM  

thecpt: I just finished interviewing at a place and the department head said, and I quote as well as memory serves, "people don't leave their job because of money."  Why the fark do you think I'm here while I still have another job?


Because he lied to get  HISjob,
 
2013-03-18 08:21:06 AM  
"There are varying degrees of dishonesty that occur during interviews, and while some people make up work history, references, skills, family, and even endearing qualities, we'll ignore them for now, because those people are so advanced at lying that if I were to expose them here and now they'd likely have me pushing up daisies by the end of the week and just tell the authorities that I probably committed suicide by kissing that outboard motor with my hands tied behind my back and people would believe them because they lie really, really well."

I really, really like sentences like that. No lie.
 
2013-03-18 08:21:07 AM  
thecpt

I just finished interviewing at a place and the department head said, and I quote as well as memory serves, "people don't leave their job because of money." Why the fark do you think I'm here while I still have another job?

Apparently it's a prevailing sentiment with employers.


They can't actually believe that. I'd say it's probably the most common reason to change jobs. Or perhaps second only to "I'm going to cut the next motherfarker that calls me a minute after sending an email to discuss what's in the email they just sent. I farking hate my life.".
 
2013-03-18 08:25:51 AM  
Link's blocked at my work.  Is one of them "if you are a politician"?
 
2013-03-18 08:29:18 AM  
Stupid article is stupi...uh, I mean.  GREAT ARTICLE!  WOO!  I'VE NEVER BEEN SO WELL-INFORMED!!

*wink*
 
2013-03-18 08:30:30 AM  
I read this whole article.
 
2013-03-18 08:30:56 AM  
Lies make Baby Jesus cry.
 
2013-03-18 08:31:08 AM  
My wife, Morgan Fairchild, loves this headline.
 
2013-03-18 08:31:58 AM  

I have lied at job interview I have ever had.  When they ask what my hobbies are or ask what I like to do when I am not working, I always reply with reading, walking my dog, playing a pick up volley ball game, volunteering with disabled veterans or some such crap.

I wouldn't get the job if I told that when I am not work, I am devoted to stock piling as much weaponry as possible, perfecting my recipe for napalm, building my underground bunker, and stalking Christopher Walken.

 
2013-03-18 08:32:11 AM  

illannoyin: Fark politics tab missing. List is incomplete.


Big league politics tab in washington too.
 
2013-03-18 08:32:22 AM  

thecpt: who the fark lies during job interviews?  Quickest way to not get hired IMO


I would never lie about qualifications, but those bullshiat HR questions are TOTALLY within your rights to lie up and down the wall.  Next time you interview remember to tell them your real weakness is excessive honesty and you're getting tired of these BS questions by an unqualified twit who couldn't get a real degree, and see how far that takes you.

And companies lie too.  The job description that I was hired with contains skills that I've never used.  In eight years.  I've asked for training and they've told me I don't need it.  But it shows up in the job listings every flipping time.
 
2013-03-18 08:33:00 AM  
"Why do you want to work here?"

"because I am not Paris Hilton so  I have to work"

seriously, this question is the hardest, I always must remember myself that they are not pulling my leg and seriously espect me to enjoy making my exploiters richer.
 
2013-03-18 08:41:00 AM  

Molavian: thecpt: who the fark lies during job interviews?  Quickest way to not get hired IMO

Right? Obviously the dude's never had a job where you actually have to know what the hell you're doing.


He's a politician?
 
2013-03-18 08:41:34 AM  

thecpt: gadian: Anywhere that pays me more or is more satisfying than the job I left.

I just finished interviewing at a place and the department head said, and I quote as well as memory serves, "people don't leave their job because of money."  Why the fark do you think I'm here while I still have another job?

Apparently it's a prevailing sentiment with employers.


I would have thought in the main that the money is part of what attracts people to a given employer, so normally if they leave - having known the money in advance - it is usually going to be non-monetary factors such as boss/coworkers suck or otherwise a bad environment that you wouldn't be able to tell before working there for a while. The only real exception would be where someone has gained several years of experience, or a particularly valuable skill they didn't have before, but their pay hasn't advanced much, so moving elsewhere is a way of effectively getting a promotion/pay rise.

I guess you also have people moving out of an "underemployment" situation after a recession, but that is usually as much about having a proper career and not getting stuck with your degree or whatever flipping burgers, that it pays better is not the entire motivation.
 
2013-03-18 08:42:44 AM  
I hate job interviews with a passion. Had a guy ask me why I wanted to work there and I answered (honestly) "I'm not sure I do yet."

Yes, I got the offer.

Interviewers should get their heads out of their arses. No one who walks through your doors for the first time is seeing themselves there in five years. They are looking for a job and that's it. I bet most people are like me. They LOVE what they do and TOLERATE their company. I doubt it's ever the other way around.
 
2013-03-18 08:42:53 AM  

KrispyKritter: thecpt: who the fark lies during job interviews? Quickest way to not get hired IMO

you must be young. bless your heart. seriously the best jobs i ever had, i had no business being in my position. lie through your teeth, they're doing it to you. tell them what they want to hear.


Depends of the question.  Here are some questions that come to mind that are open to lieing:

"What is your greatest weakness?" -- An answer like, 'Pissing away half the day on Fark' won't get you the job.

"Did you have any problems with your previous employer?" -- Answer like, "Yeah, that asshole doesn't know her head from a hole in the ground" won't get you hired.  An answer like, "you know working for her will be the thing I miss the most when I move on" will keep the interviewers interest.
 
2013-03-18 08:43:04 AM  
It's not a lie, if I believe it.
 
2013-03-18 08:44:33 AM  
Oooh! Let me try: This article was funny and full of wit.

/actually generally a fan of Cracked...sad.
 
2013-03-18 08:46:26 AM  
Celebrities lie like knockoff Persian rugs thrust into the fierce gravitational pull of Jupiter all the time.

So it finally happened. I finally found a line on cracked so bad that I just couldn't get past it.

gadian: thecpt

I just finished interviewing at a place and the department head said, and I quote as well as memory serves, "people don't leave their job because of money." Why the fark do you think I'm here while I still have another job?

Apparently it's a prevailing sentiment with employers.

They can't actually believe that. I'd say it's probably the most common reason to change jobs. Or perhaps second only to "I'm going to cut the next motherfarker that calls me a minute after sending an email to discuss what's in the email they just sent. I farking hate my life.".


Geographic location ranks pretty high up there as well.

/said as I'm trying to get the fark out of Maryland and as far away as possible
 
2013-03-18 08:47:19 AM  

phenn: No one who walks through your doors for the first time is seeing themselves there in five years. They are looking for a job and that's it. I bet most people are like me. They LOVE what they do and TOLERATE their company. I doubt it's ever the other way around.


The point of that five years question isn't to get confirmation that you'll be there in five years.  It's to see if you are thinking at all about your future and to get a sense of what you want to do with yourself.  I don't really think you can love what you do without some kind of investment in where you work.  It just doesn't make sense.

Muta: "Did you have any problems with your previous employer?" -- Answer like, "Yeah, that asshole doesn't know her head from a hole in the ground" won't get you hired. An answer like, "you know working for her will be the thing I miss the most when I move on" will keep the interviewers interest.


You're not capable of figuring out a positive way to answer that question honestly?  Yikes.
 
2013-03-18 08:51:15 AM  
Before RTA, I thought it was a continuation of the story below, as in,"no, honey, I don't love your brothers more than you."
 
2013-03-18 08:51:40 AM  

AverageAmericanGuy: Immanuel Kant judges the morality of an action on its adherence to the categorical imperative. So lying, even in the cases provided in the article, is morally wrong.

However, telling a truth that is meant to misdirect and confuse is morally acceptable due to the effort to remain true to the categorical imperative. The consequence of an action, in this case to mislead the listener, is irrelevant to whether an action is moral or not.


"Luckily, the Captain was sober today..."
 
db2
2013-03-18 08:51:45 AM  
Ray, when someone asks you if you're a god, you say, "YES."
 
2013-03-18 08:52:32 AM  

thecpt: who the fark lies during job interviews?  Quickest way to not get hired IMO


Yeah. If you get caught lying in a job interview, you're toast.

phenn: I hate job interviews with a passion. Had a guy ask me why I wanted to work there and I answered (honestly) "I'm not sure I do yet."


That's actually an excellent answer. The job interview is supposed to be a two way street. No one should have a stupid canned answer to this question. Years ago, I had a job interview that was like the Inquisition. The panel of interviewers were total assholes and it was obvious to me 10 minutes into the interview that they had their heads so far up their asses and that their culture was so toxic that I was ready to end the interview on the spot. Afterward, I met my recruiter in the lobby and he was on his cell phone. He beamed and told me "they really want you and have an offer!" I told him to forget it; there was know way I'd work with those clowns.
 
2013-03-18 08:54:19 AM  

StrangeQ: /said as I'm trying to get the fark out of Maryland and as far away as possible


Getting out of Maryland is like trying to escape the mansion in the movie The Legacy.  I tried...I made it as far as Wisconsin, then Detroit.  Detroit for God's sake!  Now I'm back...any praying I can find something when my current contract expires.

Good luck!
 
2013-03-18 08:55:47 AM  

JackieRabbit: He beamed and told me "they really want you and have an offer!" I told him to forget it; there was know way I'd work with those clowns.


A lot of employers out there forget that the interview is working both ways.
 
2013-03-18 08:57:05 AM  
Article failed for me, no mention of cake.
 
2013-03-18 08:59:20 AM  

JackieRabbit: Years ago, I had a job interview that was like the Inquisition. The panel of interviewers were total assholes and it was obvious to me 10 minutes into the interview that they had their heads so far up their asses and that their culture was so toxic that I was ready to end the interview on the spot. Afterward, I met my recruiter in the lobby and he was on his cell phone. He beamed and told me "they really want you and have an offer!" I told him to forget it; there was know way I'd work with those clowns.


Good for you. You never want to get yourself into a situation like that. I just left a job I had for nearly 6 years because the corporate culture there got so intolerable. Not everyone has the luxury of doing so, but staying away from knuckleheads is a good rule of thumb to follow.
 
2013-03-18 09:00:36 AM  

JackieRabbit: Yeah. If you get caught lying in a job interview, you're toast


It's hard to get caught telling the kinds of lies he's suggesting. He's not saying to fake your credentials or conceal felony convictions. He's saying to bullsh*t your way through the stupid questions, like "why do you want to work here?" It's just common sense framed in a modestly clever, slightly unorthodox way.
 
2013-03-18 09:00:52 AM  

YouSirAreAMaroon: Everyone lies in job interviews, some to the interviewer and some to themselves.


Maybe that's why I have a shiatty job. I always tried to present myself honestly. If I tell them I'm proficient in Tekla, they'll know in about five minutes that I'm not.
 
2013-03-18 09:03:46 AM  
I guess he claimed to be able to write comedy.
 
2013-03-18 09:04:09 AM  

kwame: The point of that five years question isn't to get confirmation that you'll be there in five years. It's to see if you are thinking at all about your future and to get a sense of what you want to do with yourself. I don't really think you can love what you do without some kind of investment in where you work. It just doesn't make sense.


I guess I fail to see how it is any of their damn business. When I've interviewed potential employees, I've asked what kind of job they could see themselves really killing, what do they like about their work, what do they dislike, etc. To get a sense of how they will get along with others. I don't care much about their fortune-telling abilities.

And, trust me, you absolutely can love your work and dislike your employer. After 25 years in Corporate America™, I can tell you first hand it's entirely possible.
 
2013-03-18 09:05:17 AM  
Lying is for amateurs.  It's better to tell the truth while emphasizing the details that tell the story you want to tell.  Truth and persuasion are at least as effective as lying, and you don't have to worry about getting caught and losing a person's trust..
 
2013-03-18 09:07:55 AM  

JackieRabbit: thecpt: who the fark lies during job interviews?  Quickest way to not get hired IMO

Yeah. If you get caught lying in a job interview, you're toast.

phenn: I hate job interviews with a passion. Had a guy ask me why I wanted to work there and I answered (honestly) "I'm not sure I do yet."

That's actually an excellent answer. The job interview is supposed to be a two way street. No one should have a stupid canned answer to this question. Years ago, I had a job interview that was like the Inquisition. The panel of interviewers were total assholes and it was obvious to me 10 minutes into the interview that they had their heads so far up their asses and that their culture was so toxic that I was ready to end the interview on the spot. Afterward, I met my recruiter in the lobby and he was on his cell phone. He beamed and told me "they really want you and have an offer!" I told him to forget it; there was know way I'd work with those clowns.


I interviewed at a large Insurance firm to develop safety policy for them, a family member was even on the interview panel I went through.   About halfway through the day I gave up on the job because I couldn't stand the people that would be on my team, I couldn't stand the stupid-ass questions I was being asked, and I especially hated how they were trying to brag about what they've done in the past and how I should be so impressed that they're talking to me.  The thing that sealed the deal was the clear signs that the corporate culture expected strict obedience to management over personnel.  Any safety person that is taking management's side no matter what, is failing at their job and I refuse to be in that situation.

They were my back-up anyways, I got the position I wanted with another company.

I found the most frustrating part of interviewing was they would speak to me like I was desperate for a job, I was already employed and making more than they were offering, I was interviewing these companies because they gave me an opportunity to move out of the DC area.
 
2013-03-18 09:13:30 AM  

KrispyKritter: you must be young. bless your heart. seriously the best jobs i ever had, i had no business being in my position. lie through your teeth, they're doing it to you. tell them what they want to hear.


Best.Advice.

Thanks, Fark!

/currently job hunting
//I'm goin' to the top, biatches
 
2013-03-18 09:14:05 AM  
My father always told me "Always tell the truth, it's easier to remember."
 
2013-03-18 09:14:59 AM  

Crewmannumber6: YouSirAreAMaroon: Everyone lies in job interviews, some to the interviewer and some to themselves.

Maybe that's why I have a shiatty job. I always tried to present myself honestly. If I tell them I'm proficient in Tekla, they'll know in about five minutes that I'm not.


I've had success presenting myself as knowing how to answer the 'right' way, but refreshingly candid.

"What is your greatest weakness?"

"This is where I'm supposed to talk about how sometimes I'm just too committed to my work, or too focused on the team's success. So go ahead and put me down for one of those answers. But I'll also try to score candor points by telling you I'm a little disorganized sometimes. I function best with a good secretary."

Obviously, you have to be careful with this approach. You don't want to seem flippant or sarcastic. You don't want to convey disrespect for the interviewer. He may be the one who thought this ridiculous question was a good idea. You also have to watch what flaw you fess up too, and mention there's an easy way to overcome it. "My unholy sexual attraction to llama corpses" isn't a good answer. Has to be something normal, excusable, and easily surmounted.
 
2013-03-18 09:15:18 AM  

kwame: The point of that five years question isn't to get confirmation that you'll be there in five years. It's to see if you are thinking at all about your future and to get a sense of what you want to do with yourself. I don't really think you can love what you do without some kind of investment in where you work. It just doesn't make sense.


I actually went to a talk recently about interviewing, and wanted to add what I was told.  You are correct, the five years question is to determine whether you are thinking about your career and your immediate future.

To not know what you want to be doing in five years can apparently be taken as a sign that you might bail on the company in a year or two when you figure out you don't want to be doing whatever it is.
 
2013-03-18 09:21:35 AM  
Only if you promise me you'll never die.  If you did that, I would make love to you right now.
i.imgur.com

And then, the hot carling.
 
2013-03-18 09:23:26 AM  
Ah, the "what's your greatest weakness" question.  Anyone who asks that deserves to be lied to.
 
2013-03-18 09:24:58 AM  

kwame: The point of that five years question isn't to get confirmation that you'll be there in five years. It's to see if you are thinking at all about your future and to get a sense of what you want to do with yourself. I don't really think you can love what you do without some kind of investment in where you work. It just doesn't make sense.


Trying working in social services for a few years.
 
2013-03-18 09:26:20 AM  

phenn: I guess I fail to see how it is any of their damn business. When I've interviewed potential employees, I've asked what kind of job they could see themselves really killing, what do they like about their work, what do they dislike, etc. To get a sense of how they will get along with others. I don't care much about their fortune-telling abilities.

And, trust me, you absolutely can love your work and dislike your employer. After 25 years in Corporate America™, I can tell you first hand it's entirely possible.


I guess I don't get many combative and defensive candidates because I've never gotten the impression someone was put off by my trying to get to know them a little better.  Some idea where a person is headed (or if they even have a thought about it) can tell you a lot about them.

phenn: And, trust me, you absolutely can love your work and dislike your employer. After 25 years in Corporate America™, I can tell you first hand it's entirely possible.


I'm sure you're right.  I just wouldn't ever want to do that, but I have the luxury of being able to avoid that kind of environment.
 
2013-03-18 09:28:08 AM  
So far everyone is concerned with the lying to potential employers, but no care was given about lying to the person you are sleeping with and the spawn resulting, interesting.  Either everybody is for the lying or against it, not sure since so little discussion.

I choose not to lie to either the wife or children, since it makes my relationship much better with them.  No lying about the sex with the wife, since that would only mean one of us goes unhappy and nothing is learned about what to do different next time.

I don't lie to kids about anything, because it would be hypocritical to lie and then expect them to be honest.  I always find the truth anyway and like Bill Cosby once put it that his dad had said "You must think I am the dumbest human being in the world".  We all trust each other in my house, but I am still cynical enough to keep an eye out, however I stay honest as an example for my kids.
 
2013-03-18 09:29:11 AM  

imontheinternet: Lying is for amateurs.  It's better to tell the truth while emphasizing the details that tell the story you want to tell.  Truth and persuasion are at least as effective as lying, and you don't have to worry about getting caught and losing a person's trust..


Honestly, if you can't elaborate on your past experience and answer a simple question without lying, there's something seriously wrong.  And if you end up with a job offer after lying about everything you can do, you either just got an offer from idiots or you're in a field that doesn't require much.
 
2013-03-18 09:29:46 AM  

thecpt: who the fark lies during job interviews? Quickest way to not get hired IMO



Oh, just this excusive little group called "Pretty much everyone, always".

Lying about your qualifications is one thing - that's stupid, as those are generally things which are easly verifiable objective facts. But those more mushy questions - why do you want to work here, where do you see yourself in 5 years, what didn't you like about your previous employer and my favorite "what's your biggest weakness" - are a different story entirely. You pretty much have to lie your face off on those questions if you want to get the job.

No one wants to hear that what you didn't like about your previous employer was that they worked you like a dog and treated you like shiat. It may be 100% true, it may be the very reason you're sitting in that room having the interview for a new job... but if you say it you won't get hired the vast majority of the time. The new employer will just identify with your last employer and think you'll be saying the same thing about them in another interview later with someone else....
 
2013-03-18 09:31:22 AM  

kwame: guess I don't get many combative and defensive candidates because I've never gotten the impression someone was put off by my trying to get to know them a little better.


I probably have a somewhat crappy attitude. Spending 25 years making others wealthier and getting very little in return in the way of gratitude or recognition.

It can make you a little slappy.
 
2013-03-18 09:34:58 AM  

lack of warmth: no care was given about lying to the person you are sleeping with and the spawn resulting, interesting


I hadn't really given it much thought.  The closest I come to lying to my wife is when I have the day off and she texts me to ask if I remembered to pick up the laundry, and I text back "Of course I did" as I'm rushing out to the car.
 
2013-03-18 09:36:52 AM  

mongbiohazard: No one wants to hear that what you didn't like about your previous employer was that they worked you like a dog and treated you like shiat. It may be 100% true, it may be the very reason you're sitting in that room having the interview for a new job... but if you say it you won't get hired the vast majority of the time. The new employer will just identify with your last employer and think you'll be saying the same thing about them in another interview later with someone else....


You're overlooking the better alternative.  Expressing in a professional way the things that your interviewer is asking without condemning your previous employer.  It's entirely possible without lying.
 
2013-03-18 09:40:51 AM  

God Is My Co-Pirate: Ah, the "what's your greatest weakness" question.  Anyone who asks that deserves to be lied to.


The point of this question is supposed to be to see if the candidate is "self-aware," which has become another stupid buzz phrase. No one is going to answer this question with 100% honesty, but only try to tell you what you want to hear.

A few years back, my company decided that we were going to use behavioral interviewing. We were supposed to take a complete life history starting with high school. I asked "Are you kidding me? I would never insult a 40 year old candidate by asking him/her to tell me about their accomplishments and failures in high school." I was told that it was mandatory for all candidates. Instead of arguing, I just skipped that section of the interview form and made up trite answers to please HR. There's a reason why almost everyone hates HR.
 
2013-03-18 09:43:34 AM  

JackieRabbit: God Is My Co-Pirate: Ah, the "what's your greatest weakness" question.  Anyone who asks that deserves to be lied to.

The point of this question is supposed to be to see if the candidate is "self-aware," which has become another stupid buzz phrase. No one is going to answer this question with 100% honesty, but only try to tell you what you want to hear.

A few years back, my company decided that we were going to use behavioral interviewing. We were supposed to take a complete life history starting with high school. I asked "Are you kidding me? I would never insult a 40 year old candidate by asking him/her to tell me about their accomplishments and failures in high school." I was told that it was mandatory for all candidates. Instead of arguing, I just skipped that section of the interview form and made up trite answers to please HR. There's a reason why almost everyone hates HR.


HR is overhead, so they have to constantly justify their existence.
 
2013-03-18 09:43:55 AM  

JackieRabbit: Instead of arguing, I just skipped that section of the interview form and made up trite answers to please HR. There's a reason why almost everyone hates HR.


You manufactured someone's answers on an employment form?  I mean, I get what you're saying about the process being stupid, but you denied someone a chance to give a creative answer that might have landed them a job and instead answered for them?
 
2013-03-18 09:47:50 AM  

God Is My Co-Pirate: Ah, the "what's your greatest weakness" question.  Anyone who asks that deserves to be lied to.


What? Was heroin not what they were looking for?

I've been doing a lot of interviews lately.. as in technical guy that would really rather not deal with anything HR doing them. I'd never ask this. I'll ask about specific skills and generally make sure the person isn't a sociopath but interviews are cruel and stressful enough without forcing someone to ask these trite questions.

I'd expect a lie or at least half truth in the "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" question as well.
 
2013-03-18 09:50:29 AM  

born_yesterday: StrangeQ: /said as I'm trying to get the fark out of Maryland and as far away as possible

Getting out of Maryland is like trying to escape the mansion in the movie The Legacy.  I tried...I made it as far as Wisconsin, then Detroit.  Detroit for God's sake!  Now I'm back...any praying I can find something when my current contract expires.

Good luck!


Yeah, this place is a farking black hole of suck.

"Well, we see that your qualifications checkout, but we think we would like to hire someone more in the local area."

Yeah, I know I'm applying a good distance away from where I currently live, because if I didn't, I would still be close to the complete shiathole that is Maryland/DC/Virginia.
 
2013-03-18 09:52:43 AM  
Really? #1 is sex. We're still dealing with that one? Let's get over ourselves already; we'll have a lot more fun if we can just be honest in bed. And in general, really.

/no honey, I don't perform like a porn star, I actually get really quiet. STFU and let me enjoy myself.
//fortunately the fiancé isn't like that, but jeez porn has nearly ruined it for some people
 
2013-03-18 09:55:24 AM  

Erder: God Is My Co-Pirate: Ah, the "what's your greatest weakness" question.  Anyone who asks that deserves to be lied to.

What? Was heroin not what they were looking for?

I've been doing a lot of interviews lately.. as in technical guy that would really rather not deal with anything HR doing them. I'd never ask this. I'll ask about specific skills and generally make sure the person isn't a sociopath but interviews are cruel and stressful enough without forcing someone to ask these trite questions.

I'd expect a lie or at least half truth in the "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" question as well.


Yeah, the weakness question is a lie in itself. If it were phrased more honestly, it would be "tell us a humanizing anecdote about yourself, something that's modestly self-deprecating but still shows you in a positive light, in order to convince us that you can be trusted to meet clients and represent the company in a non-crazy way."
 
2013-03-18 09:55:58 AM  

kwame: JackieRabbit: Instead of arguing, I just skipped that section of the interview form and made up trite answers to please HR. There's a reason why almost everyone hates HR.

You manufactured someone's answers on an employment form?  I mean, I get what you're saying about the process being stupid, but you denied someone a chance to give a creative answer that might have landed them a job and instead answered for them?


Not an employment form. It is a interviewer's notes form. It was supposed to be only for our use, but then HR decided that they wanted to review them to make sure we were interviewing the way they wanted. I told HR that I was the hiring manager and that I was responsible for the success or failure of a hire, so I would conduct my interviews the way I thought best and not just follow their formula. My CIO backed me up on this and told HR to back off.
 
2013-03-18 09:59:29 AM  

JackieRabbit: It was supposed to be only for our use, but then HR decided that they wanted to review them to make sure we were interviewing the way they wanted. I told HR that I was the hiring manager and that I was responsible for the success or failure of a hire, so I would conduct my interviews the way I thought best and not just follow their formula. My CIO backed me up on this and told HR to back off.


If you actually did that, you invented information on a candidate and submitted it to your HR office.  Don't sugar coat it.
 
2013-03-18 10:02:21 AM  

kwame: You're overlooking the better alternative. Expressing in a professional way the things that your interviewer is asking without condemning your previous employer. It's entirely possible without lying.



Sorry, but that's little more than a fantasy...

For one thing, it's not always possible. Your previous employer sometimes is worthy of condemnation. For example if you're leaving because of serious issues - ethical, legal, nepotistic management - the next employer doesn't want to hear about that no matter how professionally you put it.

For another, if you DO sanitize it enough to sound palatable you're kidding yourself if you don't think you're still lying.... just politely. Saying that "my previous employer didn't have an environment which provided the kind of challenges and merit based incentives I was looking for" sounds much better then what I really meant - that they worked me like a dog, that the manager was the fiancee of the VP and so didn't lift a finger and could pretty much get away with murder, that they were vindictive and etc.... Putting it "professionally" as you suggest is misleading, which is lying. Pretending it's not a lie is just lying to yourself. But you don't want to tell the whole truth in this case.

And last, the new employer is looking for particular answers to those questions. They don't usually really don't give a shiat what the answer really was... they're just looking to check the box off on their list.

I've lied my face off on those soft questions in every interview I've ever had - and only once have I ever not been offered the job. Just had one two weeks ago to get a promotion... and got it. The one time I didn't get offered a job? I listened to people like you, and answered those soft questions honestly, as nice as I could put it. I corrected that in my next interview and got offered my last job. So yeah, sorry but that's patently bad advice.
 
2013-03-18 10:03:47 AM  
I had a good friend who was refused entry to the police force because he failed a lie detector test. Oh, did I say fail? I meant he aced it and was refused entry because they felt he had manipulated the test. He was/is a standup guy. So, to become a cop you also have to lie and show you do it well under pressure.
 
2013-03-18 10:14:37 AM  

mongbiohazard: Sorry, but that's little more than a fantasy...


No, it's not.  It's based in simple communication skills.

mongbiohazard: Your previous employer sometimes is worthy of condemnation.


Certainly, but there is a still a way to express that professionally, and quite frankly, your whole scenario is based on an interview in which someone is pressing you for all the dirty details about your previous employer.  It just doesn't happen that often, and if it does, you always have this one: "I'm sorry, but answering more questions than that puts me in a position to remark on my employer in a way that I don't consider to be professional."  That's a home run answer, it's perfectly honest, and if it doesn't satisfy the interviewer, you don't want to work for them.

mongbiohazard: And last, the new employer is looking for particular answers to those questions. They don't usually really don't give a shiat what the answer really was... they're just looking to check the box off on their list.


Another assumption that isn't correct.  Do you want to share how you know what every interviewer is thinking and what their goal is in an interview?

mongbiohazard: So yeah, sorry but that's patently bad advice.


You don't seem to know how to talk about yourself without either lying or condemning everywhere you came from.  That actually says more about you as an employee than any problems with interview tactics.  You've basically explained that you can't get a job without lying about where you came from and what you can do.
 
2013-03-18 10:21:28 AM  

my_cats_breath_smells_like_cat_food: KrispyKritter: thecpt: who the fark lies during job interviews?  Quickest way to not get hired IMO

you must be young. bless your heart. seriously the best jobs i ever had, i had no business being in my position. lie through your teeth, they're doing it to you. tell them what they want to hear.

No wonder I'm surrounded by incompetence.


Yeah, it certainly explains a lot. Sometimes I wonder if some of my co-workers actually graduated from an accredited program.
 
2013-03-18 10:22:31 AM  

kwame: You don't seem to know how to talk about yourself without either lying or condemning everywhere you came from. That actually says more about you as an employee than any problems with interview tactics. You've basically explained that you can't get a job without lying about where you came from and what you can do.


lying don't mean the same to everyone.
It may just be that what you are calling "Expressing in a professional way " would be called plain lying by others.
 
2013-03-18 10:39:22 AM  

JonnyG: I had a good friend who was refused entry to the police force because he failed a lie detector test. Oh, did I say fail? I meant he aced it and was refused entry because they felt he had manipulated the test. He was/is a standup guy. So, to become a cop you also have to lie and show you do it well under pressure.


I've read that in lie detector tests there are two types of control questions - those they assume you're being honest about ("what is your full name"), and those they assume everyone lies about ("do you masturbate"). So if you actually answer all the questions honestly, it'll get miscalibrated.

/Of course I masturbate, I have arms, don't I?
 
2013-03-18 10:41:03 AM  

bugontherug: JackieRabbit: Yeah. If you get caught lying in a job interview, you're toast

It's hard to get caught telling the kinds of lies he's suggesting. He's not saying to fake your credentials or conceal felony convictions. He's saying to bullsh*t your way through the stupid questions, like "why do you want to work here?" It's just common sense framed in a modestly clever, slightly unorthodox way.


I have five years experience with windows 8.
 
2013-03-18 10:41:57 AM  

Crewmannumber6: My father always told me "Always tell the truth, it's easier to remember."


As a kid sitcoms influenced my ethical system - I learned that lying, e.g. pretending to be gay whenever your landlord is around, was bound to snowball into a huge web of deceit, which would inevitably come crashing down in the most humiliating way possible.
 
2013-03-18 10:44:45 AM  

kwame: JackieRabbit: It was supposed to be only for our use, but then HR decided that they wanted to review them to make sure we were interviewing the way they wanted. I told HR that I was the hiring manager and that I was responsible for the success or failure of a hire, so I would conduct my interviews the way I thought best and not just follow their formula. My CIO backed me up on this and told HR to back off.

If you actually did that, you invented information on a candidate and submitted it to your HR office.  Don't sugar coat it.


What is there to sugar coat? There was no "invented" information. Just such comments as "yes, Bill did actually attend high school 25 years ago. SSDD" Sometimes the questions cannot be answered. I interviewed some Chinese people. There is no such thing as high school, as we know it, in China. There kids go to school 8-10 hours per day, six days per week, in preparation for exams that will decide if they get to attend a university. If they don't pass them or if their teachers don't think they have what it takes, they don't get to go to college ever. It's considered a full-time job and they don't have clubs or other extracurricular activities.

Bottom line: asking a college graduate over 25 years of age about his/her high school experience is moronic. Who gives a flying shiat? And how could it possible indicate suitability? It's appropriate when hiring an 18 year old for an entry level job, but not for experienced professionals.
 
2013-03-18 11:18:31 AM  
6. When writing a Daily Mail article.
7. When posting a link about a hottie in a Daily Mail article.
 
2013-03-18 11:19:44 AM  

db2: Ray, when someone asks you if you're a god, you say, "YES."


This is why I clicked.  Leaving satisfied!
 
2013-03-18 11:27:19 AM  

On-Off: It may just be that what you are calling "Expressing in a professional way " would be called plain lying by others.


I'm sure the word "lying" could be defined in a way that any statement would be considered a lie, but I'm talking about willfully providing misleading or inaccurate information.  It's entirely possible to get through an interview without doing that.

JackieRabbit: There was no "invented" information.


JackieRabbit: I just skipped that section of the interview form and made up trite answers to please HR


You didn't ask the question but you provided answers.  Either you're not telling the truth about what you did, or you invented information.
 
2013-03-18 11:36:16 AM  
Either way?  who cares?  it's HR, they don't matter.
 
2013-03-18 11:47:02 AM  
I am lying. Is what I am saying true or false?
 
2013-03-18 11:54:29 AM  
"No, I didn't come in you"
 
2013-03-18 12:15:14 PM  

mongbiohazard: You pretty much have to lie your face off on those questions if you want to get the job


I still haven't struggled with those questions.  Telling the truth seemed like the best way out, but in my line of work you don't have to put up with HR vetting.
 
2013-03-18 12:34:23 PM  
Fark all of you assholes who lie during job interviews.

Some lies are easy to detect but others are hard to.

Past work experience is probably the easiest lie to get away with. Sure, you'll get caught if you say you worked somewhere that you never did, but most employers in the US will only verify work history, not what you did or how much you earned. They'll confirm or deny that you really did work there for 3 years, but aside from that? Not much more information is going to come out. This is where references come into play Of course, references might be the janitor who claims he was a VP and he can claim you single-handedly turned the company back from going bankrupt into a huge success.

The worst case of lying was from farking Indian who I don't believe had ever bathed in his life. He was hired to do some data warehouse work for us. I had told my boss that even though I had never worked with that software before that I would like to learn it and I was confident I could do the project that we wanted. I was already doing the flip side of the work - everything that interacted and used data extracted from the data warehouse.

But, maybe they didn't think they could spare my time from all the other shiat I was doing so we hired Manoj. The guy was a farking moran and didn't have a clue as to what he was doing. He spent about 3 months writing crappy software that didn't work. Someone experienced with that probably should have been able to come up with a workable solution in about 2 weeks. I'd even give them another 2 weeks to work out the bugs. Being completely inexperienced with that software myself I would guess I could have written it in about 6 weeks and take another month to work out any bugs.

/snipped the rest of my rant
//If you want an impressive resume, build it up, don't lie about it.
///H1-B visa holders are the worst
 
2013-03-18 12:54:48 PM  
But the article says FOUR situa----ohhhhhh.
 
2013-03-18 01:27:05 PM  
They forgot kids>parents.
 
2013-03-18 01:58:47 PM  

Frederick: I see what I did there.


4.bp.blogspot.com
What I might look like.
 
2013-03-18 02:23:30 PM  
I just have a wide stance.
 
2013-03-18 02:38:17 PM  
This got a good chuckle out of me...

i.crackedcdn.com
i.crackedcdn.com
 
2013-03-18 02:55:03 PM  

thecpt: who the fark lies during job interviews?  Quickest way to not get hired IMO


I wouldn't lie about certain things, especially those that would be found out in the first few days of working there.  But there are times.  Things like "why did you leave this job".  If you left because your boss was so horrible to you that it was causing massive life issues... would you say that?

I've been in a situation where I was running my own business.  It was making money, but not paying the bills.  I'm not going to tell them I am currently the owner of said business... I'm going to call myself VP of Multimedia or something.  I don't want them thinking I'm going to be moonlighting from day one.

I'm sure there are other white lies that are acceptable too.

But, no, I'm not going to say I have 10 years C+ programming experience when in fact I have zero experience.
 
2013-03-18 02:57:17 PM  

GalFriday: I have lied at job interview I have ever had.  When they ask what my hobbies are or ask what I like to do when I am not working, I always reply with reading, walking my dog, playing a pick up volley ball game, volunteering with disabled veterans or some such crap.I wouldn't get the job if I told that when I am not work, I am devoted to stock piling as much weaponry as possible, perfecting my recipe for napalm, building my underground bunker, and stalking Christopher Walken.


They might be ok with that, actually.

Just don't tell them about Fark.
 
2013-03-18 03:04:51 PM  

Deterministic: Article failed for me, no mention of cake.


Will there be cake?
 
2013-03-18 04:23:23 PM  

kwame: mongbiohazard: Sorry, but that's little more than a fantasy...

No, it's not.  It's based in simple communication skills.


I don't know if you guys care about my opinion, but this is one of those rare cases in a Fark thread where two people vehemently disagree with each other and yet both sides sound reasonable and intelligent to me.
 
2013-03-18 04:40:06 PM  
Thanks Subby, I love Cracked articles. They're the best!
 
2013-03-18 06:05:29 PM  

Molavian: thecpt: who the fark lies during job interviews?  Quickest way to not get hired IMO

Right? Obviously the dude's never had a job where you actually have to know what the hell you're doing.


He's a comedy writer.
 
2013-03-18 06:24:40 PM  
 
2013-03-18 06:25:28 PM  
Oops!
 
2013-03-18 07:36:49 PM  
"What is your biggest weakness?" is one of those questions where you're specifically expected to lie.  No sane person could possibly expect it to be a good idea to answer with the absolute worst aspect of themselves, even though that's what the question asks.  At best, that question serves to find out whether you have any sort of filter on what you say.  That's a useful thing to have for something like customer service, where brutal honesty is one of the worst traits you could possibly have.

In general, if a question is irrelevant to your job, and a "wrong" answer would hurt your chances, that's when it's OK to lie (and you should).
 
2013-03-18 07:37:49 PM  

imontheinternet: Lying is for amateurs.  It's better to tell the truth while emphasizing the details that tell the story you want to tell.  Truth and persuasion are at least as effective as lying, and you don't have to worry about getting caught and losing a person's trust..


There's "the truth," (frowns, shakes head) and "the truth" (smiles, nods head)

Got that, Marge?
 
2013-03-18 07:50:11 PM  

wrenchboy: thecpt: I just finished interviewing at a place and the department head said, and I quote as well as memory serves, "people don't leave their job because of money."  Why the fark do you think I'm here while I still have another job?

Because he lied to get  HISjob,


God Is My Co-Pirate: Ah, the "what's your greatest weakness" question.  Anyone who asks that deserves to be lied to.




Chronic masturbation. Duh.

And...

5) When a perp doesn't confess.
 
2013-03-18 07:52:30 PM  
What pants would look like if Kirk Hammet and MC Hammer bumped into each other.
i.crackedcdn.com
You got Kirk Hammet jeans in my 7-day-shiatters. You got 7-day-shiatters in my Kirk Hammet jeans.
 
2013-03-18 09:02:44 PM  
Most HR depts are not the primary route in - more of a legal formality of sorts, organizes the 'onboarding process', set up benefits, etc. The way into a job is rarely through the front door but rather by knowing someone already in the company/agency/business.

/27+ years of professional experience & got every single gig via this route.
 
2013-03-19 07:11:28 AM  

KrispyKritter: thecpt: who the fark lies during job interviews?  Quickest way to not get hired IMO

you must be young. bless your heart. seriously the best jobs i ever had, i had no business being in my position. lie through your teeth, they're doing it to you. tell them what they want to hear.


'Zackly. I remember thinking I should be honest all the time. Also, my first girlfriend would be a virgin, the first time I had sex would be the greatest experience of my life (in fact it ranked below a fast run on a motorcycle, way below a parachute jump and just about level with a half-decent steak dinner) and people in authority were actually there to help me.
 
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