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(Slate)   "I'm sorry my autistic child is acting out. Let me tell you how you need to deal with it"   (slate.com) divider line 429
    More: Interesting, acting out, sensitivity training  
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18013 clicks; posted to Main » on 16 Mar 2013 at 4:03 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-03-16 08:28:18 PM
There's a hell of a spectrum here.

On one end is a patient I saw at my clinic last week. Autistic, essentially nonverbal. During the exam, he was crawling around on the floor, spitting and slapping his caregiver, and hooting like a loon. Those level of autistic people will never live anything you or I would consider a normal life.

On the other end, Asperger's and the like. They're normal, to any standard you can name, save one. They can get overwhelmed easily in unfamiliar scenarios- to the point of panic attacks. Socially, normally, they're fine. The most you might say is that they can be a bit distant. They live normal lives, and most won't even know anything was abnormal.

The child in this article sounds in the middle. Autistic, but normally at least approaching normal functioning. They tend to need more structure, not less- it's the only way they learn to function in a normal society. The current vogue is to go less structure, as it keeps them happy, but it's a disservice. Happy now, but they can't function in society later.

I find it interesting. Here in town was once the State Asylum. TB, mental illness, retardation, they all were there. However, they had something right- people lived with those of their ability, and were given structure and responsibility. It worked for a very long time until it closed in the 70s- now, the group homes are going back to the same ideas.

The older gent was right. He needs structure and discipline. You can't hold him to the same standards as others, but at least hold to A standard.
 
2013-03-16 08:31:07 PM

Dr. Goldshnoz: except in the restaurant i can tell you to shut the hell up because your kid is obnoxious.


LOL hell, you can do that on a sidewalk! Disturbing the Peace happens everywhere!
 
2013-03-16 08:31:25 PM
My son is autistic. With very intensive therapy, he's come a very long way. Even then, he has his moments. If it's something 'optional' like eating out, or an event of some sort, or something I can do later, we just leave.

Sometimes, though, I can't just do it later. My husband is only home for two weeks every two months, so I can't send someone else to do things most of the time. I make every effort I can to keep him from bothering others, which is usually inconvenient for me, but kids aren't supposed to be convenient so that just goes with the territory. Sometimes there is absolutely nothing I can do in that moment to stop the meltdown, though, and leaving isn't an option, like when we're at the clinic because my youngest has another ear infection.

It's in those moments when understanding is most appreciated. Fortunately, we have often been on the receiving end of incredible kindness. There have been many little moments of generosity that make it clear that the assholes are the minority, like the pharmacist who knows us and will let us wait in the consult room if it's crowded, or the many kind people who have let us ahead in line at busy stores when making essential purchases that can't wait for a good day.

Hallows_Eve: /kids are like little Star Trek Vulcans


I often say the same thing about my son. Logical to a fault, that one.


 
2013-03-16 08:32:21 PM

UnspokenVoice: Chinchillazilla: He has been scowled at on airplanes, in movie theaters, in restaurants, and in bookstores. And I get it-I prefer a quiet airplane ride as much as the next person.

The thing is, you probably don't prefer quiet as much as I do. I have Asperger's, and part of that is that I have a really low tolerance for loud, high-pitched, and/or irregularly spaced noises. A loud crowd? I can deal. A single shrieking person? My ears will single that out for special attention. I am not capable of distracting myself from it. It can cause me to have a panic attack if I can't escape the source of the noise.

So what do I do in situations like this? Am I just screwed because my disability conflicts with the more severe disabilities of others?

You should carry a gun an AR-15.


FTFY
 
2013-03-16 08:39:47 PM

Dr. Goldshnoz: Madbassist1: Dr. Goldshnoz: Madbassist1: Dr. Goldshnoz: NaziKamikaze: For a group of people that are seemingly antisocial and never leave the basement, there sure are a lot of sensitive biatches on Fark.

Kid's autistic, he might get a little annoying., but at least he's got an excuse.  You don't.  Deal with it, don't whine and cry about how your serenity is being destroyed in public (which is idiotic to expect anyway).

It's BECAUSE we never leave the basement we REALLY cherish those nights out. Also, a restaurant is not public, as in say, a park, or a street corner.

LOL know how I know you don't know the legal definition of "Public place"

/I know

It seems you are conflating the idea of a public restaurant, which is actually a private business on a private property, with a true public space, such as the sidewalk and street outside said restaurant.

A private business on private property that is open to the public is a public place, both legally and figuratively. Trust me dude, you're losing this one.

except in the restaurant i can tell you to shut the hell up because your kid is obnoxious.


You have a point in that distinction between types of "public".  A business owner can refuse service for any or no reason in most places, and simply ask those people to leave, and is therefore not true to what a real public place is.

A business that is open to the public is not quite the same as a public place.  These businesses can often participate, or have guests that participate in, things that are not legal "in public".

Alcohol consumption/drunken behavior, nudity, loudness tolerated, or quietness required, cover charges, dress code, etc.
 
2013-03-16 08:41:22 PM
I got a kick out of this thread because my autistic kid is generally well behaved in restaurants and we try to avoid sitting near large boisterous tables of adults because they annoy me.
 
2013-03-16 08:42:52 PM

namegoeshere: WorldCitizen: Taking someone you KNOW will not be at all quiet to a movie, even in the off times, is a bit difficult. Even if there are only 3 other people in the theater, you are still going to likely ruin the movie experience for those 3 other people. Should the disabled kid who can't be quiet be expected to go through life never seeing a movie in a theater? No. Do the people who pay to see a movie deserve to have their movie watching experience disrupted throughout the movie? No.

Two solutions: 1) drive-in. 2) find a free family movie festival. They're full of kids, and kind of noisy, which is expected. And it's much easier to be tolerant of off behavior when it's a free second-run movie than a movie that you paid for and only just recently found time to go see.


3) There are a number of movie chains (Rave Cinemas being one I'm personally aware of who does this) who have special movie showings for people with sensory integration issues (including people with autism)--which means that one isn't necessarily restricted to second-run motion pictures and there are options where "free family movie festivals" and drive-ins are rare or flat-out nonexistant.
 
2013-03-16 08:43:50 PM

Madbassist1: Dr. Goldshnoz: except in the restaurant i can tell you to shut the hell up because your kid is obnoxious.

LOL hell, you can do that on a sidewalk! Disturbing the Peace happens everywhere!


I think the difference is that a restaurant is somewhere that other people have paid for dinner, and have a reasonable expectation of civility. A parent whose child is yelling and generally causing a distraction has a social obligation to remove that child from the restaurant.

This is different from the sidewalk, where other people can just walk away from the situation, without losing any money for their meal/time/babysitter, etc.
 
2013-03-16 08:54:42 PM
I've seen plenty of autistic and Down's Syndrome people out and about, and if you're so farking precious that you can't handle sitting in the same restaurant as them, you really aren't ready for big-people restaurants.

Seriously, if the kid isn't banging you on the head with tableware, you really SHOULD be able to cope. It's not that hard.

Whole Foods had a point about food contamination, but the security guard was completely out of line and deserved to lose his job. Way too many assholes out there who think tat everyone needs to conform to THEIR particular set of standards, and think that they get to dictate who comes into a restaurant or store merely because THEY are in attendance.

In other words, I hate people.
 
2013-03-16 08:59:22 PM
Same rules apply as for small children. It's that simple.
 
2013-03-16 08:59:25 PM

Mikey1969: I've seen plenty of autistic and Down's Syndrome people out and about, and if you're so farking precious that you can't handle sitting in the same restaurant as them, you really aren't ready for big-people restaurants.

Seriously, if the kid isn't banging you on the head with tableware, you really SHOULD be able to cope. It's not that hard.

Whole Foods had a point about food contamination, but the security guard was completely out of line and deserved to lose his job. Way too many assholes out there who think tat everyone needs to conform to THEIR particular set of standards, and think that they get to dictate who comes into a restaurant or store merely because THEY are in attendance.

In other words, I hate people.


Which is good, because thinking people hate you.
 
2013-03-16 09:00:36 PM

omeganuepsilon: There are two sides to that coin that you're conveniently neglecting.  Problematic Behavior =/= Problematic Brain

Many frigid and neglectful parents do indeed end up with kids that are, on the surface, indistinguishable from the mentally handicapped. Their symptoms can be mild to downright farked up.  Having been capable of learning, but having no adequate teacher can yield a person that's troubled for their entire life.

Add to that, many doctors diagnose based on symptomatic behavior alone, not on catscans/MRI or other means of testing structure and function.

Your "debunking" is hardly what you make it seem.  Yes, it does not cause actual autism.  It can cause some severe developmental problems that are decidedly similar that can be mistaken as.(and what the guy you were replying to was talking about).

It's humorous because you're attempting to pretend you're superior, but are evidently inferior.


media.comicvine.com
 
2013-03-16 09:03:08 PM
I'm disabled. Most of you don't have me despairing. SOme o the rest of you have me laughing.

But a few of you are just genuine selfish jerks.

/At this stage, nothing of value to add beyond that.
 
2013-03-16 09:05:53 PM

Madbassist1: The headline is farking brilliant as it is. One of the best I have ever read.


I'm not sure I'd call the headline  itself "brilliant"; what is brilliant is that the article is entirely & accurately summarized in two short sentences.
 
2013-03-16 09:09:23 PM

feanorn: Madbassist1: The headline is farking brilliant as it is. One of the best I have ever read.

I'm not sure I'd call the headline  itself "brilliant"; what is brilliant is that the article is entirely & accurately summarized in two short sentences.


I think what's brilliant is that subby refused to go for the low hanging fruit that could have been had here.

I mean, think of all the problems that could be solved if we just made the autistic wear shock collars.
 
2013-03-16 09:12:49 PM

cptjeff: Mikey1969: I've seen plenty of autistic and Down's Syndrome people out and about, and if you're so farking precious that you can't handle sitting in the same restaurant as them, you really aren't ready for big-people restaurants.

Seriously, if the kid isn't banging you on the head with tableware, you really SHOULD be able to cope. It's not that hard.

Whole Foods had a point about food contamination, but the security guard was completely out of line and deserved to lose his job. Way too many assholes out there who think tat everyone needs to conform to THEIR particular set of standards, and think that they get to dictate who comes into a restaurant or store merely because THEY are in attendance.

In other words, I hate people.

Which is good, because thinking people hate you.


Jesus. That's the best you can come up with? You need to go back to rebuttal 101, you suck at this.
 
2013-03-16 09:13:28 PM

Mikey1969: Seriously, if the kid isn't banging you on the head with tableware, you really SHOULD be able to cope. It's not that hard.


So, if I go out to dinner with someone, I should just cope with a repeatedly yelling, bouncing child at the next table? And the parent does nothing about it? Fark that.

The problem in this instance isn't the child, he can't help it.
 
2013-03-16 09:13:55 PM
I'm going to side with the mother in this instance.  Although not all the information is in the article, a hamburger and fries are mentioned and I'll infer from that a fast food place.  Also early morning is mentioned along with very few patrons.  I will again infer the mom has done her diligence in minimizing the impact of her kid on the community.

This typifies the fine line between the need for tolerance and consideration.  It's a judgment call.  I'd like to think an elder gentleman would be the type to seek the high ground in that circumstance.  If the mother and kid were crossing the line into inconsideration, I'd like to think she would recognize it and take appropriate steps.
 
2013-03-16 09:14:45 PM
My issue with the article is she takes exception to "I heard you the first time." He could have reacted way worse and there is no way the author knows what was going on in the gentlemen's life. Maybe he was having a shiatty day.

You told him your child was autistic..he verbally accepted that without arguement or complaint. Could he have been nicer? Probably. But to take exception with "I heard you the first time." Is rediculous. Take an internal memo of "what a jerk" and move on like everybody else.
 
2013-03-16 09:17:10 PM

Mikey1969: cptjeff: Mikey1969: I've seen plenty of autistic and Down's Syndrome people out and about, and if you're so farking precious that you can't handle sitting in the same restaurant as them, you really aren't ready for big-people restaurants.

Seriously, if the kid isn't banging you on the head with tableware, you really SHOULD be able to cope. It's not that hard.

Whole Foods had a point about food contamination, but the security guard was completely out of line and deserved to lose his job. Way too many assholes out there who think tat everyone needs to conform to THEIR particular set of standards, and think that they get to dictate who comes into a restaurant or store merely because THEY are in attendance.

In other words, I hate people.

Which is good, because thinking people hate you.

Jesus. That's the best you can come up with? You need to go back to rebuttal 101, you suck at this.


The problem is that I'm tired and haven't eaten yet, and there was too much stupid packed into your post for me to bother with any sort of real response.
 
2013-03-16 09:22:01 PM

Frederick: Although not all the information is in the article, a hamburger and fries are mentioned and I'll infer from that a fast food place. Also early morning is mentioned along with very few patrons.


You didn't read the article at all, did you?
 
2013-03-16 09:23:13 PM

Dr. Goldshnoz: except in the restaurant i can tell you to shut the hell up because your kid is obnoxious


You don't see your own behaviour as obnoxious ?

Here let me help you...

ob·nox·ious adjective
1.highly objectionable or offensive; odious:obno xious behavior.
2.annoying or objectionable due to being a showoff or attracting undue attention to oneself:
an obnoxious little brat.
3.Archaic .exposed or liable to harm, evil, or anythingobjectionable.
4.Obsolete. liable to punishment or censure; reprehensible.

//ITG - if you tell my kid to shut the hell up, Ill shut you the fark up
/ get over yourself you self entitled biatch
 
2013-03-16 09:23:58 PM

cptjeff: The problem is that I'm tired and haven't eaten yet


Probably because there was an autistic child at the next table.
 
2013-03-16 09:31:03 PM

Madbassist1: Dr. Goldshnoz: NaziKamikaze: For a group of people that are seemingly antisocial and never leave the basement, there sure are a lot of sensitive biatches on Fark.

Kid's autistic, he might get a little annoying., but at least he's got an excuse.  You don't.  Deal with it, don't whine and cry about how your serenity is being destroyed in public (which is idiotic to expect anyway).

It's BECAUSE we never leave the basement we REALLY cherish those nights out. Also, a restaurant is not public, as in say, a park, or a street corner.

LOL know how I know you don't know the legal definition of "Public place"

/I know


Simple litmus test. If you can't masturbate without being arrested, it's public.
 
2013-03-16 09:31:36 PM

phishrace: My mom knew exactly what to do in these situations. She could settle down any rambunctious kid anywhere. Autistic or otherwise. She always carried around balloons in her purse. If she saw a kid getting jacked up, she'd whip out a balloon, blow it up and hand it to the kid. Saw it done many times and it never failed. Kids are mesmerized by a balloon that shows up out of nowhere. The frazzled moms always thanked my mom too.


Your mom sounds cool.
Give her a hug

//and a balloon
 
2013-03-16 09:33:28 PM

MeanJean: kxs401

This "everything is for everyone" attitude is ruining humanity.

Yes, lets lock the disabled up in institutions where they get treated like shiat or hide them in the attic instead of accommodating them to spare YOUR delicate feefees.

Sorry that my disabled friend is delaying your journey because it takes a little time for her wheelchair to be strapped into the college transport van. I'll have her personally apologize to you for not being able to farking walk.

The nerve of the disabled, wanting to participate in society. How dare they want to contribute and live their lives?


Because clearly there are only two alternatives: Either let autistic kids run amok in public and everyone else just has to smile and suffer; or lock them away never to be seen again. And there is no point in trying to find a comfortable middle ground.

Maybe, just maybe, both sides are wrong. It's entirely possible that parents should be expected to control their children--autistic, wheelchair-bound, or supposedly normal--when in public; and that others should acknowledge that children will be children and may need more than one correction before they sit in total silence in a restaurant or movie theater.

If you are such an asshole parent that you think Jimmie should be able to do anything he wants in public because he's autistic, then you should know you're not doing him any favors: He's going to have to exist in public all his life, and he needs to learn some modicum of acceptable social behavior WHILE YOU'RE THERE so that someday he can do it when you're not. That's the idea, I hope, and your eventual goal. And if you are such an asshole human that you can't accept that there are children and disabled people in the world who don't behave precisely like YOU think they should, then you need to move to a remote island so they won't be around to bother you, because there are more of them than you.

But both sides need to accept they're not the center of the universe and they're equally being assholes by insisting the world conform to them.
 
2013-03-16 09:34:18 PM
I'm sorry I was born with a small penis. Doesn't give me the right to wave it around in the fruit aisle at the supermarket.
/Or does it?
 
2013-03-16 09:36:10 PM
Tonight, on a very, very special Fark thread...
 
2013-03-16 09:37:55 PM

Gyrfalcon: But both sides need to accept they're not the center of the universe and they're equally being assholes by insisting the world conform to them


^^^

this
 
2013-03-16 09:38:41 PM

Quantum Apostrophe: I'm sorry I was born with a small penis


TMI
 
2013-03-16 09:47:21 PM
Autism? Don't they have a vaccine for that?
 
2013-03-16 09:48:09 PM

oh_please: Frederick: Although not all the information is in the article, a hamburger and fries are mentioned and I'll infer from that a fast food place. Also early morning is mentioned along with very few patrons.

You didn't read the article at all, did you?


I read page one of two, not realizing it was two pages.  What did I miss?
 
2013-03-16 09:49:08 PM

hardinparamedic: Yes, it does not cause actual autism.  It can cause some severe developmental problems that are decidedly similar that can be mistaken as.(and what the guy you were replying to was talking about).

It's humorous because you're attempting to pretend you're superior, but are evidently inferior.


Ah, you're one of those people that simply writes off those that disagree with you as a troll.  You win the internet.

Well, if we're judging on hypocrisy and/or delusion at any rate.
 
2013-03-16 09:52:34 PM

omeganuepsilon: hardinparamedic: Yes, it does not cause actual autism.  It can cause some severe developmental problems that are decidedly similar that can be mistaken as.(and what the guy you were replying to was talking about).

It's humorous because you're attempting to pretend you're superior, but are evidently inferior.

Ah, you're one of those people that simply writes off those that disagree with you as a troll.  You win the internet.

Well, if we're judging on hypocrisy and/or delusion at any rate.


I spent the rest of the dinner constantly shushing Jonah, even though we had specifically decided to eat out at 6 on a Thursday night in a casual eatery so we wouldn't have to hold any of the kids to impossible standards of behavior.

Dinner, 6 on a thursday night...

While "casual eatery" might be fast food, the fact that they're sitting and waiting on food to arrive seems to imply the opposite of fast food.
 
2013-03-16 09:53:31 PM

Radioactive Ass: Yep. 6-8 pm is prime time seating in many restaurants. Go there early or go there late on Wed - Sun if you have a kid that you know can't control themselves. I shouldn't have to put up with your kids issues. You're the one who decided to have a kid and you lost the crap shoot on making a good one, them's the risks that you undertook and you have to pay the price when you lose. Not me.


Are you implying that autism = not a good one?

My son has mild autism (yup, real autism, not self-diagnosed Asperger's).  When he was disruptive in restaurants, his mom or I would remove him and the other would get the to-go boxes and the check.  If he was disruptive in a movie theater, one of us took him outside.  He doesn't do that any more.  We parented, he made the connection between behavior and undesirable consequences, presto.

He's 18 now, and is doing well despite a few social blind spots and problems with executive function.  He's working hard on those.  He's a kind and decent human being.

/tl;dr version:  Fark you, I won the crap shoot on making a good kid.
 
2013-03-16 10:01:59 PM

Matthew Keene: Here's a question to ponder. You're out in public, and some autistic crotchfruit smacks you hard from behind, and the mother tells you to deal with it because her child is just 'acting out.' What would you do about it?


certainly wouldn't take it out on the child. if the mother actually used the phrase "deal with it" shed get a piece of my mind
 
2013-03-16 10:02:40 PM

ReverendJynxed: Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces while handicapped people make handicapped faces...


Sometimes I wreck the fark outta car doors with my cane when ineligible jackasses park in handicapped spaces knowing damn well they don't need it and aren't qualified for it.

/No, not ITG - I most certainlly have done.  Cause the level of pain I get to experience when I have to walk that much further needs to be shared with them that inflict it.
//No, I don't just assume - I know not all disabilities glow in the dark.  I'm talking about people I stop, inquire with when they disable no plates/placards, that proceed to tell me to fark off cause they're in a hurry or whatever, no sane reason given, and screw handicapped parking.  (I've nodded and walked away with frantic mothers running in to buy meds for sick kids, etc. - I'm not a total loon.)
///Yeah, really - 4 times thusfar have people been that messed up in the head.  Course I suppose I have no room to discuss possible mental abberation considering the retaliation I've engaged in, but it doesn't make them any less of a bunch of screaming arseholes.
 
2013-03-16 10:05:15 PM
Wow...the first mom, I don't see that she did anything wrong. The curmudgeonly old dude tried to shush
someone who was not being all that loud and was not at his table. The mom apologized, told the guy that
her kid was autistic and not intentionally trying to be disruptive.

The one where the security guard told the sister not to bring her brother back unless he was on a leash,
the guard was out of line with his comments but the sister knew her brother tended to be grabby with
the hot food trays. She should have kept an eye on him.

The dude that refused to serve the table that moved away from the family with the Downs Syndrome kid?
Kudos.

My oldest son is the one who had the volatile behavior issues. My youngest, not so much. The only issues
we ever really had was once at Sweet Tomatoes when he got freaked out by our server who had a
mustache. We were a party of 12 or so and my son started crying (he was an infant). I was in the process
of calming him down and almost had him calm when the manager asked me and my son to leave. I said
sure, no problem. I'll bring him back in when he is calm. She said, "No - we've had a number of complaints.
You can't bring him back in.". Keep in mind, the time between my son getting scared and him calming down
to barely a whimper was less than a few minutes.

So I got to walk the gauntlet with my kid and go hang outside for an hour. The "number" of complaints? One
crotchety dried up old prune sitting behind us.
 
2013-03-16 10:06:22 PM

sendbillmoney: Radioactive Ass: 
/tl;dr version:  Fark you, I won the crap shoot on making a good kid.


Wow, that's positive thinking gone aggressively wrong.

"Good" is subjective, and in this subject, a valid word for a kid without issues.  No one is saying you had a "bad" kid, only that he's not "normal".  Thousands of parents fail to have "good" kids.

That's what I find funny in any liberal topic, people who are so quick to take offense, it's almost as if that's what they show up for.  There are at least ten intentionally offensive posts in this thread, maybe even one or two directed at you, not some anon stranger, that you could have validly pulled out the "fark you" on.  You chose one that really wansn't out of line.  A defect is a defect, making that handi-capable argument may be good for your kid's confidence, but really doesn't fit in a conversation that's about kids, in general, that might be similar.

That's what 18 years of false positivity (Ie lying to yourself because you can't cope with the honest truth) can do to a person.
 
2013-03-16 10:06:59 PM

sendbillmoney: When he was disruptive in restaurants, his mom or I would remove him and the other would get the to-go boxes and the check. If he was disruptive in a movie theater, one of us took him outside. He doesn't do that any more. We parented, he made the connection between behavior and undesirable consequences, presto.


You are the parent that the author of TFA is not. Hats off to you.
 
2013-03-16 10:08:34 PM

digitalrain: The mom apologized, told the guy that
her kid was autistic and [you skipped the part where the guy apologized and she continued to press the issue] not intentionally trying to be disruptive.


Just sayin.
 
2013-03-16 10:09:17 PM

omeganuepsilon: digitalrain: The mom apologized, told the guy that
her kid was autistic and [you skipped the part where the guy apologized and she continued to press the issue] not intentionally trying to be disruptive.

Just sayin.


You're right. I did. My mistake.
 
2013-03-16 10:21:55 PM

sendbillmoney: He doesn't do that any more.  We parented, he made the connection between behavior and undesirable consequences, presto.


That's fantastic, and what I don't get in most of these cases: OK, your kid has issues that make him/her different than others, I get that.  But unless they are so low-functioning as to be nearly catatonic, they're capable of learning the idea that actions have consequences.  It might take longer, but the lessons are going to stick eventually.
 
2013-03-16 10:22:38 PM

JWideman: Fark no longer quotes only the highlighted text


Try again.
 
2013-03-16 10:23:06 PM

bborchar: My friend's brother-in-law seems to be a high-functioning sociopath- he's very smart (he's an engineer, and he works with my husband at the lab); but he's also extremely moronic when it comes to interacting with people.  He's a leper at work, and while you feel sorry for him, when you meet him, it's VERY hard to like him.  He makes inappropriate comments to my friend (he went into the private room where she was nursing her son and started talking about her breasts the other day), and he charged a lot of porn to the company card and turned in on his statement.  He's a grown man, and has no friends and can't get a girlfriend.  It really is sad...but no one can stand to be around him.  However, his mother still babies him and begs everyone to spend time with him.

It's a sad reality, but people who don't function well in our society are going to be outcasts...and society won't change for them.  It's hard to be friends with someone who doesn't understand boundaries.  As a mother, I completely understand wanting people to like your child and being heartbroken when they don't...but as a member of society, it's impossible to welcome everyone in when they are so difficult to deal with.  It's a very thin line, and there's not a lot of help for people who have to walk it.


Your friends brother sounds a lot like my dad,my dad can be quite inappropriate, fortunately  not as far to follow a nursing woman and discuss her breasts. He does occasionally bring up he and my mother's intimate relationship details up to me(his daughter) and occasionally will make comments about my breasts,hips or butt(not in the last few years though). When I am over with my brother and his wife, my father will dominate the conversation. As would occasionally be expected,  my brother and his wife can contribute to it. I, however, will often be shut down with a "stop interrupting, I'm talking", which is offensive and frustrating as I don't  get to participate much.He doesn't much interact with people now as he is quite ill and essentially housebound. Occasionally, I have to help him to the doctor, and it is a dreaded event largely because of his obnoxious behavior.
 
2013-03-16 10:48:56 PM

sendbillmoney: Are you implying that autism = not a good one?

My son has mild autism (yup, real autism, not self-diagnosed Asperger's). When he was disruptive in restaurants, his mom or I would remove him and the other would get the to-go boxes and the check. If he was disruptive in a movie theater, one of us took him outside. He doesn't do that any more. We parented, he made the connection between behavior and undesirable consequences, presto.

He's 18 now, and is doing well despite a few social blind spots and problems with executive function. He's working hard on those. He's a kind and decent human being.

/tl;dr version: Fark you, I won the crap shoot on making a good kid.


Congrats. You just bit on a troll comment. No Autism is not a "Bad one" but it is a difficult one that needs more from the parent that a "Normal" one does. Those are the facts of life that a responsible person understands when deciding to have a child. A kid is a long haul situation that will have many unexpected twists and turns.

My point was that every kid is different and it's the parents job to deal with those differences. Not mine in a situation that a responsible parent should be avoiding when they know the likely issues. I raised my kid to be polite and well mannered in public, I used the same methods as my parents used. Attention, love and discipline in the required amounts to make a good person. It's the "Required amounts" that helicopter parents are lacking judgements in. You sound like you don't fit in that category.

I'm quite happy that you personally have found that balance and I can only wish the best for you and yours and hope that your kid can keep it up. I honestly mean that.
 
2013-03-16 10:49:45 PM

sendbillmoney: He's 18 now, and is doing well despite a few social blind spots and problems with executive function. He's working hard on those. He's a kind and decent human being.


Yeah... I'd still keep him away from guns.
 
2013-03-16 10:56:19 PM

octopied: I, however, will often be shut down with a "stop interrupting, I'm talking", which is offensive and frustrating as I don't  get to participate much.


I was going to comment on the relevant part of the article.  A lot of people are that way. They find weak or ineffectual(as they percieve them, not saying you are weak) people disturbing or annoying, not worth their time.

I find that many times, these people are actually instigating and appreciate when people push past that barrier and speak anyhow.

I can't fault the perspective, as it's somewhat natural not necessarily an matter of choice, rather a common personality archtype.  It can bring out the best in meek people, by challenging them to grow a pair, as it were.

The psychology is that the weak are not worth the time, so they need to be tested before their given due respect, IE listened to seriously.  Goes back to tribal man, I would think, where group survival depended on confidence and strength/ability.  It's also a sign of intelligence, though on a less conscious level.  Unfortunately it led to the also natural evolution of bluster or lying through your teeth.

From the simple stories relayed though, I can't tell.  Whether the guy in the article or your dad, sure, maybe they are more simple sadists, but in my travels, I see that's sort of a rare thing, true sadism. ( I think that's a mutation of the drive to test others)

One only likes to watch you squirm, and the other wants you to get mad so that you stand up for yourself(but can also find enjoyment in the process).

Not sure if the guy in the article is really that much of an asshole.  It's very evident of the effect it had on the mom, it actually made her feel bad, as she did try to keep the child quiet after that.  She sounds like she resents the reality check.

In addition, a lot of people don't like people who make excuses or sycophanticly try to make nice, boils down to the same lack of respect for the weak and those who make mistakes.
 
2013-03-16 11:12:23 PM
BRB- going to kiss my birth control pills that allow me to not have children.
 
2013-03-16 11:16:42 PM
CONGRATULATIONS!

YOU WIN THE PRIZE!!
 
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