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(Slate)   Dear Prudence, Is it creepy to offer my dead wife's vibrator to someone else? And if so what else can I do with it?   (slate.com) divider line 67
    More: Strange, Emily Yoffe, couples therapy  
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15846 clicks; posted to Main » on 14 Mar 2013 at 3:39 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Archived thread
2013-03-14 04:29:07 PM  
9 votes:
1.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.comDIY Sonicare. Duh.
2013-03-14 05:01:40 PM  
6 votes:
He should have donated it to Toys For Twats.
2013-03-14 03:59:04 PM  
6 votes:
Dear Oscillating,

I am very sorry to hear of your wife's passing. On the matter of which you wrote about - have you considered that your daughter might like to have it as an heirloom?
A child losing a parent can be a devastating experience and having some connection, even in the way of a used vibrator, would bring her much comfort, I'm sure.
Mention it to her tomorrow. And remember not to wash it before giving it to her. The scent of a woman, a mother, is a precious essence and should be allowed to linger in the hearts and minds of all who smell its fragrance.

Prudence.
2013-03-14 03:50:51 PM  
6 votes:
How is this any different then your new girlfriend getting to use your penis after your wife died?
2013-03-14 03:40:48 PM  
6 votes:
Kwame?
2013-03-14 03:44:04 PM  
5 votes:
what NOT to do with it:

stick it up your butt.

/unless you plan to tweet about it at the hospital
2013-03-14 04:48:42 PM  
4 votes:
Rent a Storage Locker.  Get a lot of large boxes.  Write on them "Original Star Wars: A New Hope Figures", "Empire Strikes Back Figures", "RoTJ Figures", "Vehicles", and a couple listed as "Comic Books, 1950's & 60's), make sure it is organized well.  Place the vibrator in a random box.

Let storage locker payments lapse.  Attend storage locker auction and enjoy hilarity.
2013-03-14 03:55:48 PM  
4 votes:
Dear Reader:

Generally the best thing you can do is to give the item away.  Perhaps a sign in your driveway saying "Dead Wife's Vibrator -- FREE!".  The vibrator itself can be placed on the ground in front of the sign.  I am certain that that will attract attention.

-- Prudence
2013-03-14 03:44:48 PM  
4 votes:
The perfect opportunity to combine electric football and a Ouija board. Let your dead wife decide while giving you insider tips on how badly the Browns will lose.
ecl
2013-03-14 03:43:53 PM  
4 votes:
Dear f*ckhead,

Stick it in your ear.

Prudence
2013-03-14 04:36:42 PM  
3 votes:
You need to steer into the skid.  While marketing a used sex toy may have a tiny market, a "death vibrator" could bring top dollar from the right buyer.  Just let on that the last user died in the throes of passion to this toy.  This should provide sufficient mythos to intrigue your perspective buyers.  Some crazy net denizen will pay highly to take on such a legendary challenge. Knowing that none of its previous users have survived the experience will provide that sense of danger and risk that they are secretly craving.
2013-03-14 04:30:19 PM  
3 votes:
Two words:  Secret Santa
2013-03-14 04:01:51 PM  
3 votes:

hdhale: 1. Remove the batteries.
2. If batteries are still useable, put them in another device that needs them.  If not, dispose of them properly.
3. Douse the toy with a liberal amount of lighter fluid.
4. Viking funeral.

/done


I'd just take the vibrator to work and boldly use it to stir my cup of coffee in the break room. When people start looking all horrified, just hold up one of the pathetic wooden stirring straws and be like "you expect me to use things?"
2013-03-14 04:00:03 PM  
3 votes:
Bury it with her.

In ancient times, people believed that weapons and tools were so personal they could not be used by another person, so they buried them with the owner or destroyed them. Vibrators fall into this class of objects.

Of course, if you are too embarrassed to arrange for these personal objects to be buried with your loved ones, you can always sneak into the graveyard later with the vibrator and a shovel. Make sure you get the right grave. Perhaps a very bright flashlight is a good idea. Perhaps not.

Actually the storage rooms of museums the world over are full of dildeaux which are labelled "cult objects" to avoid embarrassing archaeologists.


Personally, I would opt for cremation, but it seems to have some of the same risks and inconveniences of burial.

P.S. If you hear strange noises in a graveyard, don't be surprised. Some of those vibrators may be accidentally turned on unless the batteries are removed before burial.
2013-03-14 03:57:41 PM  
3 votes:
Turn it on, throw it at a busy playground and run away.
2013-03-14 03:46:20 PM  
3 votes:
She finds the solution to this issue in the second question.
2013-03-14 03:38:48 PM  
3 votes:
Gentle Reader,

Be sure to clean it thoroughly and undo any modifications your late wife may have installed. While the departed could plan accordingly for an 11 horsepower motor and Sawz-All fitting attachment, your new loving bride may not be so prepared. Best of all fortune to your matrimony.

Prudence
2013-03-14 06:27:22 PM  
2 votes:
cdn2.holytaco.com
2013-03-14 06:11:05 PM  
2 votes:
Just how expensive....?

http://www.amazon.com/JOPEN-JO-4770-14-3-Vanity-Jopen-vr12-Vibrator/ dp /B004KS2CZ4

$142, even on Amazon?  OK, well, I understand your need to get a return on the investment at least....
2013-03-14 05:19:48 PM  
2 votes:

Evil Mackerel: Put it in the claw machine at a bowling ally.


www.jonathanrosenbaum.com
2013-03-14 05:06:58 PM  
2 votes:
Buy yourself a vibrating lifelike mold of a pornstar's nether regions.  Your choice.

Turn both items on, then insert one into the other.

Let them duke it out until only one is left standing.

Return the champion to the manufacturer.  Include instructions that it is to be used for breeding purposes.  The champion's offspring will be that much better, thanks to your efforts.
2013-03-14 04:56:37 PM  
2 votes:

NightOwl2255: Is there a market for used sex toys? Off to eBay to check. I wonder if the phrase "gently used" will be found.


Previously o-o-o-OOOOwned.
2013-03-14 04:39:39 PM  
2 votes:

wildcardjack: Your dead wife's vibrator would, by now, be an outdated model.


So, Antiques Roadshow?
HBK
2013-03-14 04:33:08 PM  
2 votes:
Pick a random address off of google maps. Get drunk and mail it from a post box far from your house. Include a note that says "this was my dead wife's vibrator."

Laugh to yourself everytime you think of the confused recipient.
2013-03-14 04:32:17 PM  
2 votes:

shifty lookin bleeder: Two words:  Secret Santa


Secretion Santa.
2013-03-14 04:25:47 PM  
2 votes:
Paint a jersey on it and throw it on an electric football field, it will be UNSTOPPABLE!
2013-03-14 04:12:46 PM  
2 votes:
I love how Prudie offers to hook up the lady in the sexless marriage with the vibrator from the previous letter, lol.
2013-03-14 04:10:21 PM  
2 votes:
"Since you must be incredibly sexually frustrated, I know a place where you get a fancy Jopen vibrator, cheap."

Hilarious .
2013-03-14 04:00:03 PM  
2 votes:
Hang onto it.

The new ones have the weirdest DRM and have to be online all the time.
2013-03-14 03:54:18 PM  
2 votes:
There are some things that should just not be hand-me-downs. Like vibrators.

CSB time...

One Christmas Eve, we were driving through Tampa on the way to the in-laws house for
the holiday and we passed the big XXX emporium - any Farkers from Tampa know the one
I mean - and there was a sign out front:

SALE!
USED XXX VIDEOS AND TOYS

Now I'm sure they meant (at least I hope to God they meant) that they had videos and toys
on sale but only the videos were used, but that's not how it came across. My husband and I
just looked at one another and went "Ewwwwwww".
2013-03-14 03:49:40 PM  
2 votes:

LibertyHiller: My God.

Throw.

It.

Out.


When my dad remarried, stepmom didn't even want him to keep the house.
2013-03-14 03:47:26 PM  
2 votes:
Take up resin casting and vibrate the mold to get rid of air bubbles.
2013-03-14 03:46:09 PM  
2 votes:
If you had the wife cremated, you can put it in the urn. It'll find its own way from there. If you buried her, don't leave at the cemetery. It'll just wander off.
2013-03-14 03:41:12 PM  
2 votes:

ongbok: Kwame?


Seriously.
2013-03-14 07:48:24 PM  
1 votes:
Give it a burial worthy of a soldier:

www.thegauntlet.com
2013-03-14 07:39:45 PM  
1 votes:
only use it on your new girl's butt?
2013-03-14 07:30:12 PM  
1 votes:

Oznog: Just how expensive....?

http://www.amazon.com/JOPEN-JO-4770-14-3-Vanity-Jopen-vr12-Vibrator/ dp /B004KS2CZ4

$142, even on Amazon?  OK, well, I understand your need to get a return on the investment at least....


 "Here, honey, this is a genuine Warhol sculpture of a purple cactus flipping off a cop. It's priceless, it's chic, and if you turn this knob it dances!"

/ alt: "It's a Futurama action figure... I forget the episode."

//altalt: Don't tell her. Just use it on her. Then, after running to the bathroom so you can slowly lick it clean while weeping and masturbating you can think of your dead wife's ...... hey, they were right, this keyboard IS vomit proof!
2013-03-14 05:58:34 PM  
1 votes:

Ebenator: Certainly do NOT give it to your new lady, as it is most likely cursed.


24.media.tumblr.com
2013-03-14 05:26:29 PM  
1 votes:

mcmnky: Harry Freakstorm: If you had the wife cremated, you can put it in the urn. It'll find its own way from there. If you buried her, don't leave at the cemetery. It'll just wander off.

I'm pissed the insensitive jerk didn't bury it with her. What is she supposed to do for eternity?


Manual labor.
2013-03-14 05:25:30 PM  
1 votes:

Harry Freakstorm: If you had the wife cremated, you can put it in the urn. It'll find its own way from there. If you buried her, don't leave at the cemetery. It'll just wander off.


I'm pissed the insensitive jerk didn't bury it with her. What is she supposed to do for eternity?
2013-03-14 05:22:56 PM  
1 votes:
Turn it on.
Put it in a box.
Leave it under a seat at mall food court
Get another Fark greenlight.
2013-03-14 05:22:21 PM  
1 votes:
Take it to the mall and nonchalantly slip it into another woman's purse/shopping bag.
2013-03-14 05:12:27 PM  
1 votes:
i.walmartimages.com

Use it as a replacement for a broken jart?
2013-03-14 05:05:09 PM  
1 votes:
img2u.info
"You can stick it where the sun don't shine!"
2013-03-14 04:58:17 PM  
1 votes:

abfalter: Dear Reader:

Generally the best thing you can do is to give the item away.  Perhaps a sign in your driveway saying "Dead Wife's Vibrator -- FREE!".  The vibrator itself can be placed on the ground in front of the sign.  I am certain that that will attract attention.

-- Prudence


It is best to put $50 on it.  If you put free, people wont steal it, thinking it has issues.
2013-03-14 04:54:12 PM  
1 votes:
Put it in the claw machine at a bowling ally.
2013-03-14 04:42:38 PM  
1 votes:

stuff: You need to steer into the skid.  While marketing a used sex toy may have a tiny market, a "death vibrator" could bring top dollar from the right buyer.  Just let on that the last user died in the throes of passion to this toy.  This should provide sufficient mythos to intrigue your perspective buyers.  Some crazy net denizen will pay highly to take on such a legendary challenge. Knowing that none of its previous users have survived the experience will provide that sense of danger and risk that they are secretly craving.


DEATH VIBRATOR - If I ever start a band, that's going to be our name!!
2013-03-14 04:41:06 PM  
1 votes:

Random Anonymous Blackmail: NightOwl2255


Is there a market for used sex toys?

I run a small business that sells used, uncleaned toys from vending machines in Japan. So the answer is yes.


That's disgusting! Just nasty. Do you have a web site. So I could...um...complain about how nasty that is?
2013-03-14 04:36:17 PM  
1 votes:
NightOwl2255


Is there a market for used sex toys?

I run a small business that sells used, uncleaned toys from vending machines in Japan. So the answer is yes.
2013-03-14 04:32:22 PM  
1 votes:
Well, I work in the dead vibrating dildo induastry, so I am really getting a "buzz" out of these replies. . . . .
2013-03-14 04:22:14 PM  
1 votes:
I can think of five Farkettes who would gladly take it, three of whom would tell us all about how it worked just to get a free month's TF.
2013-03-14 04:06:17 PM  
1 votes:
Your husband wasn't a virgin when you met him, yet there you are, all sticking his woowoo into your hooha.  And he's a disgusting slob.  Most vibrators are dishwasher safe and don't backhand your cheekbone for burning the pasta for the third time this week.  This is a no-brainer.  If the ungrateful little slores in your immediate family can't appreciate a gift AND a compliment, just leave it at a bus stop.  It'll find a ride home.
2013-03-14 04:01:58 PM  
1 votes:
Make a bong out of it.
2013-03-14 04:01:11 PM  
1 votes:
Some guy out there will buy a new vibrator for his woman to try, but the gift will be refused due to this story.
2013-03-14 03:59:10 PM  
1 votes:
Or just give her on of these RAZORMAXX from Fark's featured 'no comments' allowed partners.

s3-ec.buzzfed.com
2013-03-14 03:58:22 PM  
1 votes:
1. Remove the batteries.
2. If batteries are still useable, put them in another device that needs them.  If not, dispose of them properly.
3. Douse the toy with a liberal amount of lighter fluid.
4. Viking funeral.

/done
2013-03-14 03:54:41 PM  
1 votes:

devilEther: I make a grown woman cry, I make a dead woman come


Well then we should start you up, shouldn't we.
2013-03-14 03:54:31 PM  
1 votes:
For a second, I thought this was a TFD thread that got loose. Then I realized that it was just a TFer in the wild.
2013-03-14 03:54:05 PM  
1 votes:

Snarcoleptic_Hoosier: Gentle Reader,

Be sure to clean it thoroughly and undo any modifications your late wife may have installed. While the departed could plan accordingly for an 11 horsepower motor and Sawz-All fitting attachment, your new loving bride may not be so prepared. Best of all fortune to your matrimony.

Prudence


OOOH! A farkzAll. Yes, built one once, very popular. Now, if the deceased's toy was a Hitachi Magic Wand, your new Ladyfriend will be more than happy to have it, cleaned or otherwise. And especially so if it was a Sybian.
2013-03-14 03:53:36 PM  
1 votes:

kvinesknows: How is this any different then your new girlfriend getting to use your penis after your wife died?


Well now, you've got a point there.
2013-03-14 03:53:15 PM  
1 votes:
Give it to homeless people. They need robotic loving too.
2013-03-14 03:52:09 PM  
1 votes:
There's the rub: you don't actually want to have that conversation.

So then clean it and don't tell her it's used.  Holy fark is this really that difficult?
2013-03-14 03:51:48 PM  
1 votes:
I make a grown woman cry, I make a dead woman come
2013-03-14 03:50:10 PM  
1 votes:
Dear reader,

Your dead wife's vibrator would, by now, be an outdated model. You'll be surprised at the new market for knobs and ribs and gyrating features with flashing lights and MP3 compatible music players. It would be a bonding experience to go out as a couple and buy a new vibrator together. But and don't cheap out, this might be a more important purchase than anything you'll get at the jeweler's.
2013-03-14 03:48:52 PM  
1 votes:
I like how he has addressed the question of whether the vibrator caused her death without that question being asked. As if he's already had this conversation with other people and he's just surfing for someone's approval to give it to his new girlfriend.
2013-03-14 03:45:07 PM  
1 votes:
Withhold not good from those to whom it is due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do in.
2013-03-14 03:44:08 PM  
1 votes:
Give it to Trey Parker, he'll lick it.
 
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