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(Slate)   Dear Prudence, Is it creepy to offer my dead wife's vibrator to someone else? And if so what else can I do with it?   (slate.com) divider line 201
    More: Strange, Emily Yoffe, couples therapy  
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15838 clicks; posted to Main » on 14 Mar 2013 at 3:39 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-03-14 05:50:12 PM  
Dear Verzio -
I know you said in your last column that I should stop running obviously fake letters (like the "screwed the pooch" one a few days ago).  But every time I do, I get a link from Fark, and my bosses at Slate praise me for the money I'm making for them.  So I did it again.  How can I stop doing this?
- Prudence

Dear Prudence -
I would point out to you that while whores fake it for money, they actually provide a real service to real people, and despite myths rarely have pimps.  Stop writing for Slate and start writing for the escort ads on Backpage.
 
2013-03-14 05:50:13 PM  
Put it in the Goodwill night drop.
 
2013-03-14 05:57:11 PM  

wildcardjack: Dear reader,

Your dead wife's vibrator would, by now, be an outdated model. You'll be surprised at the new market for knobs and ribs and gyrating features with flashing lights and MP3 compatible music players. It would be a bonding experience to go out as a couple and buy a new vibrator together. But and don't cheap out, this might be a more important purchase than anything you'll get at the jeweler's.


You better damn well make sure you can perform, because as long as the battery power is fully charged, there is no way any man can compete with that, plus while your at work, you can guess what she'll be doing at home.

/First symptom is laundry piling up.
 
2013-03-14 05:58:34 PM  

Ebenator: Certainly do NOT give it to your new lady, as it is most likely cursed.


24.media.tumblr.com
 
2013-03-14 06:00:43 PM  
themasterdebater:You better damn well make sure you can perform, because as long as the battery power is fully charged, there is no way any man can compete with that, plus while your at work, you can guess what she'll be doing at home.

/First symptom is laundry piling up.


Once the laundry starts to pile up, the toy is taken away.  Withholding sex toysworks both ways.
 
2013-03-14 06:11:05 PM  
Just how expensive....?

http://www.amazon.com/JOPEN-JO-4770-14-3-Vanity-Jopen-vr12-Vibrator/ dp /B004KS2CZ4

$142, even on Amazon?  OK, well, I understand your need to get a return on the investment at least....
 
2013-03-14 06:14:20 PM  

Oznog: Just how expensive....?

http://www.amazon.com/JOPEN-JO-4770-14-3-Vanity-Jopen-vr12-Vibrator/ dp /B004KS2CZ4

$142, even on Amazon?  OK, well, I understand your need to get a return on the investment at least....


That's no vibrator....
 
2013-03-14 06:14:46 PM  
Beavis, you boner popping pervert, it's not even normal to ask
 
2013-03-14 06:19:13 PM  
Dear Reader:
I bet that vibrator would fetch a tidy profit on eBay if you include a copy of your wife's death certificate along with it. Of course you would have to have a small note indicating she did not in fact die from the device, but some people still might get a kick out of having a dead woman's vibrator and her death certificate together.
Then go buy your new person their own vibrator to enjoy.
 
2013-03-14 06:19:15 PM  
...This, combined with the 'lol boobz' thread below, makes me weep for humanity's collective intelligence.
 
2013-03-14 06:21:15 PM  

SultanofSchwing: Oznog: Just how expensive....?

http://www.amazon.com/JOPEN-JO-4770-14-3-Vanity-Jopen-vr12-Vibrator/ dp /B004KS2CZ4

$142, even on Amazon?  OK, well, I understand your need to get a return on the investment at least....

That's no vibrator....


It's a space station?
 
2013-03-14 06:22:02 PM  
Maybe he wants to finally be able to brag that he had a threesome with his wife and girlfriend. Shine on, man.
 
2013-03-14 06:27:00 PM  
media.comicvine.com
 
2013-03-14 06:27:22 PM  
cdn2.holytaco.com
 
2013-03-14 06:41:07 PM  

themasterdebater: wildcardjack: Dear reader,

Your dead wife's vibrator would, by now, be an outdated model. You'll be surprised at the new market for knobs and ribs and gyrating features with flashing lights and MP3 compatible music players. It would be a bonding experience to go out as a couple and buy a new vibrator together. But and don't cheap out, this might be a more important purchase than anything you'll get at the jeweler's.

You better damn well make sure you can perform, because as long as the battery power is fully charged, there is no way any man can compete with that, plus while your at work, you can guess what she'll be doing at home.

/First symptom is laundry piling up.


You clearly don't understand how most women work sexually.

/protip: a vibrator lacks the capacity for romance, or the capacity to be spontaneous beyond perhaps some random settings
//If you think you can be replaced by a vibrator, the problem is not the vibrator
 
2013-03-14 06:53:34 PM  
Leave it somewhere she'll find it.

"Honey, what's this?"

"Oh, uh, that was my wife's. Sorry, I'll throw it out."

"Hold on, this looks expensive!"

"We'll I guess if you really want it..."

Problem solved.
 
2013-03-14 07:08:12 PM  
"Dead Wife's Vibrator" would be a great name for a band.
 
2013-03-14 07:10:11 PM  

Oznog: Just how expensive....?

http://www.amazon.com/JOPEN-JO-4770-14-3-Vanity-Jopen-vr12-Vibrator/ dp /B004KS2CZ4

$142, even on Amazon?  OK, well, I understand your need to get a return on the investment at least....


I notice Amazon has no used ones available.  I guess the guy who wrote dear Prudence is having a chat with the new missus.
 
2013-03-14 07:18:28 PM  

hdhale: 1. Remove the batteries.
2. If batteries are still useable, put them in another device that needs them.  If not, dispose of them properly.
3. Douse the toy with a liberal amount of lighter fluid.
4. Viking funeral.

/done


I lol'd
 
2013-03-14 07:23:40 PM  
so was she hot or what?
 
2013-03-14 07:28:22 PM  

Nana's Vibrator: Your husband wasn't a virgin when you met him, yet there you are, all sticking his woowoo into your hooha.  And he's a disgusting slob.  Most vibrators are dishwasher safe and don't backhand your cheekbone for burning the pasta for the third time this week.  This is a no-brainer.  If the ungrateful little slores in your immediate family can't appreciate a gift AND a compliment, just leave it at a bus stop.  It'll find a ride home.


If you burn pasta three times in one week, I might backhand you for using the stove without supervision.
 
2013-03-14 07:30:12 PM  

Oznog: Just how expensive....?

http://www.amazon.com/JOPEN-JO-4770-14-3-Vanity-Jopen-vr12-Vibrator/ dp /B004KS2CZ4

$142, even on Amazon?  OK, well, I understand your need to get a return on the investment at least....


 "Here, honey, this is a genuine Warhol sculpture of a purple cactus flipping off a cop. It's priceless, it's chic, and if you turn this knob it dances!"

/ alt: "It's a Futurama action figure... I forget the episode."

//altalt: Don't tell her. Just use it on her. Then, after running to the bathroom so you can slowly lick it clean while weeping and masturbating you can think of your dead wife's ...... hey, they were right, this keyboard IS vomit proof!
 
2013-03-14 07:33:45 PM  

Stoker: Dear Reader:
I bet that vibrator would fetch a tidy profit on eBay if you include a copy of your wife's death certificate along with it. Of course you would have to have a small note indicating she did not in fact die from the device, but some people still might get a kick out of having a dead woman's vibrator and her death certificate together.
Then go buy your new person their own vibrator to enjoy.


I'm imagining spentmiles' take on the scenario
 
2013-03-14 07:34:08 PM  

ChubbyTiger: Nana's Vibrator: Your husband wasn't a virgin when you met him, yet there you are, all sticking his woowoo into your hooha.  And he's a disgusting slob.  Most vibrators are dishwasher safe and don't backhand your cheekbone for burning the pasta for the third time this week.  This is a no-brainer.  If the ungrateful little slores in your immediate family can't appreciate a gift AND a compliment, just leave it at a bus stop.  It'll find a ride home.

Burning the pasta?


What, you've never barbecued spaghetti?
 
2013-03-14 07:37:22 PM  
Yes.  Throw it out.
 
2013-03-14 07:39:11 PM  
BTW, This "advice" column is the one that told a guy who couldn't get a girl because of his tiny penis to find a cripple.
 
2013-03-14 07:39:45 PM  
only use it on your new girl's butt?
 
2013-03-14 07:44:22 PM  

riverwalk barfly: When my father died I was cleaning out his closet and in this shoe box was a vibrator and cleansing get (I guess).   My parents had been divorced for 25 years and he lived alone.   I'm hoping it was for the widow two houses down.  But eww!

Threadjack - I recently went to a Good will, yes Good will and this elderly woman in front of me was purchasing two multipacks of KY jelly.  She turned to me and said 'these aren't for me".   I just smiled.

/I think it was for a nursing home that she volunteered at.  I guess KY has other uses.  Or not?


You would not believe how much old people (in nursing homes) fark. They are single, have nothing better to do, can't get pregnant, and are dying soon anyway, so fark STDs. Usually old people don't give a fark if you think it is for them either, so maybe it really was for someone else. Or I just had a really open Grandma...
 
2013-03-14 07:48:24 PM  
Give it a burial worthy of a soldier:

www.thegauntlet.com
 
2013-03-14 07:55:17 PM  

Banned on the Run: "Dead Wife's Vibrator" would be a great name for a band.


No. It wouldn't.
 
2013-03-14 08:13:17 PM  

unfarkingbelievable: Banned on the Run: "Dead Wife's Vibrator" would be a great name for a band.

No. It wouldn't.

-=-
Not even for a gay punk country band?
 
2013-03-14 08:17:57 PM  
img694.imageshack.us
 
2013-03-14 08:42:19 PM  
Dear Reader:

 Won't you come out to play?   The clouds will be a daisy chain, so let me see you smile again.  The sun is up, the sky is blue, it's beautiful and so are you.
 
2013-03-14 09:01:48 PM  

metric: "Since you must be incredibly sexually frustrated, I know a place where you get a fancy Jopen vibrator, cheap."

Hilarious .


came here to post this. that's pretty funny
 
2013-03-14 09:03:34 PM  
Dear Prudence, Is it creepy to offer my dead wife's vibrator to someone else? And if so what else can I do with it?

Dear reader, Why don't you shove it up your ass and quit bothering me with questions like this?
 
Skr
2013-03-14 09:39:05 PM  
Hitachi Magic Wands are cheap, just gift a new one of those.

The dead wife's vibrator should have been buried with her.
 
2013-03-14 10:00:12 PM  

Grobbley: I have to wonder if this is the same response that she would have given to a husband, had he written her complaining that he doesn't get enough sex from his wife, or if a wife who doesn't put out was to write to her about her husband cheating on her. "You're entitled to seek a physical connection elsewhere" probably wouldn't have been the phrasing she would have used.

/I realize this isn't really related to the topic the headline referenced, but it's from TFA
//I see no problem with a gently used sex toy being reused by someone if it has properly been sanitized and there are no health concerns, regardless of the fate of the original owner


Instead of showing the world your persecution complex, maybe you should actually try, I dunno, reading a few columns? They're free and right there, and you can even use Google to narrow them down. Hypothesizing that the world is out to get you isn't very appealing.

/Emily Yoffe is the less gross version of Dan Savage and tends to be less radically feminist than the rest of Slate, in my experience. Dear Abby, on the other hand....
 
2013-03-14 10:07:14 PM  
Put a handkerchief on it, add a green light, tie it to an outside tree - bam, a spooky ghost decoration that moves.  Fun for all ages.

Dress it up as Santa - tabletop dancing Santa decoration.

Put it out as your Easter centerpiece - it is a rabbit after all.

Attach to a flagpole - on patriotic holidays, your flag will always wave high.

-brought to you by Martha Schtupert
 
2013-03-14 10:17:12 PM  

Nana's Vibrator: there you are, all sticking his woowoo into your hooha.


i.imgur.com
 
2013-03-14 10:29:51 PM  

JohnBigBootay: #1 - throw it out

#2 - give it a thorough cleaning and give it t9o the new subject. Just know that you can never speak of it to any living person. I know it's fine. you know it's fine. The vibrator will harm no one but no one wants to speak of, or think about your dead wife in this context.

To sum up, you already knew the answer to your stupid question before you asked it.


Perhaps the  vibrator could channel some sexuality and emotion from the deceased that would bring zest and clarity to the new recipient.

/twitch
 
2013-03-14 10:39:57 PM  

foxyshadis: Grobbley: I have to wonder if this is the same response that she would have given to a husband, had he written her complaining that he doesn't get enough sex from his wife, or if a wife who doesn't put out was to write to her about her husband cheating on her. "You're entitled to seek a physical connection elsewhere" probably wouldn't have been the phrasing she would have used.

/I realize this isn't really related to the topic the headline referenced, but it's from TFA
//I see no problem with a gently used sex toy being reused by someone if it has properly been sanitized and there are no health concerns, regardless of the fate of the original owner

Instead of showing the world your persecution complex, maybe you should actually try, I dunno, reading a few columns? They're free and right there, and you can even use Google to narrow them down. Hypothesizing that the world is out to get you isn't very appealing.

/Emily Yoffe is the less gross version of Dan Savage and tends to be less radically feminist than the rest of Slate, in my experience. Dear Abby, on the other hand....


I like how you assume I'm a male (and a butthurt one at that) because I pointed out a possible inconsistency, while at the same time avoiding my supposition altogether.
 
2013-03-14 10:54:33 PM  
WTF?  Did she die with it in her?  No?  Then it's just a used vibrator.  Unless you stuck it in her when she was dead.  Then it does indeed become your dead wife's vibrator and should be headed for a landfill.
 
2013-03-14 11:14:36 PM  

Znuh: Hang onto it.

The new ones have the weirdest DRM and have to be online all the time.


You don't owe me a new keyboard, but Guinness through the nose...ow...
 
2013-03-15 12:31:14 AM  
Am I in before Anal Intruder 2000?
 
2013-03-15 01:03:51 AM  
Well, I have one that cost $120 (I totally had a coupon), and I have to say, it's not that impressive. It has too many buttons (including F1-F5), and I worry that if I punched in the Koonami code that I would see an effect similar to Cartman's anal probe.

Also no, it was not used, that's gross. Buy a new one, you sick fark. On the bright side, a lot of new favorites were christened because of this thread.
 
2013-03-15 01:06:56 AM  
Lost my wife to cancer. :(

/Not getting a kick.
 
2013-03-15 01:14:45 AM  

drdank: He should have donated it to Toys For Twats


And we are done....Lets wrap it up folks, we have a lot of snide remarks to make in other threads.
 
2013-03-15 10:05:56 AM  
Just go buy the same unit.  Let her see the box so she knows it is new.  Then announce you will take it to the workshop and get some batteries and see how it works.  Come back with used unit.

Next day, take the box back to the store for a full credit refund.
 
2013-03-15 10:09:54 AM  

Mitch Taylor's Bro: NightOwl2255: Is there a market for used sex toys? Off to eBay to check. I wonder if the phrase "gently used" will be found.

Previously o-o-o-OOOOwned.


That comment was worth the visit.  Carry on, good sir.
 
2013-03-15 10:14:48 AM  

SultanofSchwing: tdyak: Rent a Storage Locker.  Get a lot of large boxes.  Write on them "Original Star Wars: A New Hope Figures", "Empire Strikes Back Figures", "RoTJ Figures", "Vehicles", and a couple listed as "Comic Books, 1950's & 60's), make sure it is organized well.  Place the vibrator in a random box.

Let storage locker payments lapse.  Attend storage locker auction and enjoy hilarity.

Noooooooooope!


If I was the public storage, I would add a box or two labelled like that, and let the donkeys pay you $3500
for $45 of worthless furniture and clothes.  Roll in an occasional flood damaged BMW m5 that is worth $1000 and let them bid it up.
 
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