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(Slate)   Dear Prudence, Is it creepy to offer my dead wife's vibrator to someone else? And if so what else can I do with it?   (slate.com) divider line 201
    More: Strange, Emily Yoffe, couples therapy  
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15834 clicks; posted to Main » on 14 Mar 2013 at 3:39 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



201 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2013-03-14 03:38:48 PM
Gentle Reader,

Be sure to clean it thoroughly and undo any modifications your late wife may have installed. While the departed could plan accordingly for an 11 horsepower motor and Sawz-All fitting attachment, your new loving bride may not be so prepared. Best of all fortune to your matrimony.

Prudence
 
2013-03-14 03:40:48 PM
Kwame?
 
2013-03-14 03:41:12 PM

ongbok: Kwame?


Seriously.
 
ecl
2013-03-14 03:43:53 PM
Dear f*ckhead,

Stick it in your ear.

Prudence
 
2013-03-14 03:44:04 PM
what NOT to do with it:

stick it up your butt.

/unless you plan to tweet about it at the hospital
 
2013-03-14 03:44:08 PM
Give it to Trey Parker, he'll lick it.
 
2013-03-14 03:44:12 PM
You I troll.
 
2013-03-14 03:44:45 PM

Snarcoleptic_Hoosier: Gentle Reader,

Be sure to clean it thoroughly and undo any modifications your late wife may have installed. While the departed could plan accordingly for an 11 horsepower motor and Sawz-All fitting attachment, your new loving bride may not be so prepared. Best of all fortune to your matrimony.

Prudence


Right, a fetish group might like it, as a donation, but don't tell them where it came from.
If it's gold titanium plated, maybe recycle for some quick cash.
And of course there is the option of using it on yourself.  Hard, fast, and without regard for safety.
 
2013-03-14 03:44:48 PM
The perfect opportunity to combine electric football and a Ouija board. Let your dead wife decide while giving you insider tips on how badly the Browns will lose.
 
2013-03-14 03:45:03 PM

Snarcoleptic_Hoosier: Gentle Reader,

Be sure to clean it thoroughly and undo any modifications your late wife may have installed. While the departed could plan accordingly for an 11 horsepower motor and Sawz-All fitting attachment, your new loving bride may not be so prepared. Best of all fortune to your matrimony.

Prudence


don't forget to reset it to factory settings.
www.demandstudiossucks.com
 
2013-03-14 03:45:07 PM
Withhold not good from those to whom it is due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do in.
 
2013-03-14 03:46:03 PM
Throw it out. Buy a new one. God bless the consumer culture.

Let it go, because man, they're gone.
 
2013-03-14 03:46:09 PM
If you had the wife cremated, you can put it in the urn. It'll find its own way from there. If you buried her, don't leave at the cemetery. It'll just wander off.
 
2013-03-14 03:46:20 PM
She finds the solution to this issue in the second question.
 
2013-03-14 03:46:56 PM
Consult your clergyman. Make sure the vibrator is blessed and everything should be just fine...just fine
 
2013-03-14 03:47:01 PM
My God.

Throw.

It.

Out.
 
2013-03-14 03:47:26 PM
Take up resin casting and vibrate the mold to get rid of air bubbles.
 
2013-03-14 03:47:43 PM

Nana's Vibrator: Withhold not good from those to whom it is due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do in.


Its so weird that you're even on this thread, I just shudder. Then I LOL'd.

No vibrator, no matter how expensive (I know what Jopen is, no need to help me understand!), its still not worth enough to recycle!
 
2013-03-14 03:48:52 PM
I like how he has addressed the question of whether the vibrator caused her death without that question being asked. As if he's already had this conversation with other people and he's just surfing for someone's approval to give it to his new girlfriend.
 
2013-03-14 03:49:40 PM

LibertyHiller: My God.

Throw.

It.

Out.


When my dad remarried, stepmom didn't even want him to keep the house.
 
2013-03-14 03:50:10 PM
Dear reader,

Your dead wife's vibrator would, by now, be an outdated model. You'll be surprised at the new market for knobs and ribs and gyrating features with flashing lights and MP3 compatible music players. It would be a bonding experience to go out as a couple and buy a new vibrator together. But and don't cheap out, this might be a more important purchase than anything you'll get at the jeweler's.
 
2013-03-14 03:50:40 PM
Thats why we got trash can. Try to use it more often.
 
2013-03-14 03:50:51 PM
How is this any different then your new girlfriend getting to use your penis after your wife died?
 
2013-03-14 03:51:48 PM
I make a grown woman cry, I make a dead woman come
 
2013-03-14 03:52:09 PM
There's the rub: you don't actually want to have that conversation.

So then clean it and don't tell her it's used.  Holy fark is this really that difficult?
 
2013-03-14 03:52:45 PM

lennavan: There's the rub: you don't actually want to have that conversation.

So then clean it and don't tell her it's used.  Holy fark is this really that difficult?


this,
 
2013-03-14 03:53:04 PM

lennavan: There's the rub: you don't actually want to have that conversation.

So then clean it and don't tell her it's used.  Holy fark is this really that difficult?


Difficulty? Corn stains.
 
2013-03-14 03:53:15 PM
Give it to homeless people. They need robotic loving too.
 
2013-03-14 03:53:36 PM

kvinesknows: How is this any different then your new girlfriend getting to use your penis after your wife died?


Well now, you've got a point there.
 
2013-03-14 03:53:45 PM

kvinesknows: How is this any different then your new girlfriend getting to use your penis after your wife died?


Would it matter if she did die while having sex with him?
 
2013-03-14 03:54:05 PM

Snarcoleptic_Hoosier: Gentle Reader,

Be sure to clean it thoroughly and undo any modifications your late wife may have installed. While the departed could plan accordingly for an 11 horsepower motor and Sawz-All fitting attachment, your new loving bride may not be so prepared. Best of all fortune to your matrimony.

Prudence


OOOH! A farkzAll. Yes, built one once, very popular. Now, if the deceased's toy was a Hitachi Magic Wand, your new Ladyfriend will be more than happy to have it, cleaned or otherwise. And especially so if it was a Sybian.
 
ecl
2013-03-14 03:54:05 PM

dv-ous: LibertyHiller: My God.

Throw.

It.

Out.

When my dad remarried, stepmom didn't even want him to keep the house.


See...  you keep the Bildo the Dildo and throw away the house.
 
2013-03-14 03:54:18 PM
There are some things that should just not be hand-me-downs. Like vibrators.

CSB time...

One Christmas Eve, we were driving through Tampa on the way to the in-laws house for
the holiday and we passed the big XXX emporium - any Farkers from Tampa know the one
I mean - and there was a sign out front:

SALE!
USED XXX VIDEOS AND TOYS

Now I'm sure they meant (at least I hope to God they meant) that they had videos and toys
on sale but only the videos were used, but that's not how it came across. My husband and I
just looked at one another and went "Ewwwwwww".
 
2013-03-14 03:54:31 PM
For a second, I thought this was a TFD thread that got loose. Then I realized that it was just a TFer in the wild.
 
2013-03-14 03:54:34 PM
Moral disgust is amusing.

Also, how about putting in the local Salvation Army bin? Poor people need (mechanically enhanced self-)love, too.
 
2013-03-14 03:54:41 PM

devilEther: I make a grown woman cry, I make a dead woman come


Well then we should start you up, shouldn't we.
 
2013-03-14 03:54:58 PM
Oh HELL no!!

/God, what a weirdo
 
2013-03-14 03:55:20 PM

Theaetetus: Give it to homeless people. They need robotic loving too.


Dammit.
 
2013-03-14 03:55:21 PM
Give it to the Catholics.
 
2013-03-14 03:55:48 PM
Dear Reader:

Generally the best thing you can do is to give the item away.  Perhaps a sign in your driveway saying "Dead Wife's Vibrator -- FREE!".  The vibrator itself can be placed on the ground in front of the sign.  I am certain that that will attract attention.

-- Prudence
 
2013-03-14 03:56:02 PM
I probably wouldn't give it to the new girlfriend, but, hey, a vibrator laying around is a great idea for re-gifting. Perhaps for a work-related Secret Santa deal.
 
2013-03-14 03:56:21 PM
Even if the new woman doesn't want it, I'm sure he'll find some hole to stick it in.
 
2013-03-14 03:56:45 PM
Burn it, or throw it in acid.
 
2013-03-14 03:56:48 PM
Is there a market for used sex toys? Off to eBay to check. I wonder if the phrase "gently used" will be found.
 
2013-03-14 03:56:51 PM
#1 - throw it out

#2 - give it a thorough cleaning and give it t9o the new subject. Just know that you can never speak of it to any living person. I know it's fine. you know it's fine. The vibrator will harm no one but no one wants to speak of, or think about your dead wife in this context.

To sum up, you already knew the answer to your stupid question before you asked it.
 
2013-03-14 03:57:12 PM

Marquis de Sod: Consult your clergyman. Make sure the vibrator is blessed and everything should be just fine...just fine


Wash it in the holy water?
 
2013-03-14 03:57:15 PM
Prudie's been trolled. I call bullshiat.
 
2013-03-14 03:57:41 PM
Turn it on, throw it at a busy playground and run away.
 
2013-03-14 03:58:22 PM
1. Remove the batteries.
2. If batteries are still useable, put them in another device that needs them.  If not, dispose of them properly.
3. Douse the toy with a liberal amount of lighter fluid.
4. Viking funeral.

/done
 
2013-03-14 03:58:40 PM
I like the second question and answer even better then the first.
 
2013-03-14 03:59:04 PM
Dear Oscillating,

I am very sorry to hear of your wife's passing. On the matter of which you wrote about - have you considered that your daughter might like to have it as an heirloom?
A child losing a parent can be a devastating experience and having some connection, even in the way of a used vibrator, would bring her much comfort, I'm sure.
Mention it to her tomorrow. And remember not to wash it before giving it to her. The scent of a woman, a mother, is a precious essence and should be allowed to linger in the hearts and minds of all who smell its fragrance.

Prudence.
 
2013-03-14 03:59:10 PM
Or just give her on of these RAZORMAXX from Fark's featured 'no comments' allowed partners.

s3-ec.buzzfed.com
 
2013-03-14 03:59:40 PM
Hollow it out, use shell to build amateur rocket. Attempt space shot.
 
2013-03-14 03:59:52 PM

devilEther: I make a grown woman cry, I make a dead woman come


Is that from an earlier version of "Bad to the Bone"?
 
2013-03-14 04:00:03 PM
Bury it with her.

In ancient times, people believed that weapons and tools were so personal they could not be used by another person, so they buried them with the owner or destroyed them. Vibrators fall into this class of objects.

Of course, if you are too embarrassed to arrange for these personal objects to be buried with your loved ones, you can always sneak into the graveyard later with the vibrator and a shovel. Make sure you get the right grave. Perhaps a very bright flashlight is a good idea. Perhaps not.

Actually the storage rooms of museums the world over are full of dildeaux which are labelled "cult objects" to avoid embarrassing archaeologists.


Personally, I would opt for cremation, but it seems to have some of the same risks and inconveniences of burial.

P.S. If you hear strange noises in a graveyard, don't be surprised. Some of those vibrators may be accidentally turned on unless the batteries are removed before burial.
 
2013-03-14 04:00:03 PM
Hang onto it.

The new ones have the weirdest DRM and have to be online all the time.
 
2013-03-14 04:01:00 PM
Read the next question and answer in the column. It's lol-worthy at the end, I promise.

Go ahead, do it.
 
2013-03-14 04:01:11 PM
Some guy out there will buy a new vibrator for his woman to try, but the gift will be refused due to this story.
 
2013-03-14 04:01:51 PM

hdhale: 1. Remove the batteries.
2. If batteries are still useable, put them in another device that needs them.  If not, dispose of them properly.
3. Douse the toy with a liberal amount of lighter fluid.
4. Viking funeral.

/done


I'd just take the vibrator to work and boldly use it to stir my cup of coffee in the break room. When people start looking all horrified, just hold up one of the pathetic wooden stirring straws and be like "you expect me to use things?"
 
2013-03-14 04:01:58 PM
Make a bong out of it.
 
2013-03-14 04:02:07 PM

naz-drala: I like the second question and answer even better then the first.


That was particularly awesome.
 
2013-03-14 04:04:11 PM

farkingismybusiness: Make a bong out of it.


Oh, come on... why would the guy suck on one of those things when there are more lifelike models out there to wrap his lips around?
 
2013-03-14 04:04:56 PM
We don't encourage girls enough in engineering. Give it to Alexis.
www.kaboodle.com
 
2013-03-14 04:05:44 PM
Just don't tell her it's your ex-wife's.  Tell her you just bought it for her.  Problem solved.
 
2013-03-14 04:06:17 PM
Your husband wasn't a virgin when you met him, yet there you are, all sticking his woowoo into your hooha.  And he's a disgusting slob.  Most vibrators are dishwasher safe and don't backhand your cheekbone for burning the pasta for the third time this week.  This is a no-brainer.  If the ungrateful little slores in your immediate family can't appreciate a gift AND a compliment, just leave it at a bus stop.  It'll find a ride home.
 
2013-03-14 04:07:55 PM
Depends. Was the wife hot?
 
2013-03-14 04:10:21 PM
"Since you must be incredibly sexually frustrated, I know a place where you get a fancy Jopen vibrator, cheap."

Hilarious .
 
2013-03-14 04:11:12 PM
Shove it.
 
2013-03-14 04:12:46 PM
I love how Prudie offers to hook up the lady in the sexless marriage with the vibrator from the previous letter, lol.
 
2013-03-14 04:13:06 PM
This is how you troll not only the advice columnist, but her readers.
 
2013-03-14 04:13:14 PM
I loved the answer to the second question also.
 
2013-03-14 04:14:10 PM
Are her juices still on there?
 
2013-03-14 04:17:52 PM
Is that what killed her? If so, not really.
 
2013-03-14 04:18:25 PM

kvinesknows: How is this any different then your new girlfriend getting to use your penis after your wife died?


Sex toys don't normally shed skin cells like humans do.
 
2013-03-14 04:20:01 PM

FARK rebel soldier: We don't encourage girls enough in engineering. Give it to Alexis.
[www.kaboodle.com image 300x261]


ALEXISSSOOGOD
 
2013-03-14 04:21:24 PM
Just because she's dead doesn't mean she should stop using it.

Use an adapter kit to have it run on AC. Position it in her flower in her casket... make sure when burying her to leave the plug unburied.

If using a vibrator on a dead woman in a casket seems a little sick... bring the dead wife into bed with you and your wife and enjoy her together.
 
2013-03-14 04:22:14 PM
I can think of five Farkettes who would gladly take it, three of whom would tell us all about how it worked just to get a free month's TF.
 
2013-03-14 04:22:43 PM
Give it to the new girlfriend and tell her where it is from. If she leaves you, and leaves it behind, then find a new girlfriend and repeat until you either find a girlfriend who properly respects your investment, or the girlfriend leaves with the vibrator -- or destroys it. Either way, you'll either have the proper girlfriend for your investment or the vibrator will no longer be your problem. It's just a matter of trying a large enough number of girlfriends until the problem resolves itself.

Or you wrap sanding paper around the vibrator and put it in your own toolbox, for when you need to sand something.
 
2013-03-14 04:24:44 PM
Paperweight.
 
2013-03-14 04:25:47 PM
Paint a jersey on it and throw it on an electric football field, it will be UNSTOPPABLE!
 
2013-03-14 04:26:25 PM
When my father died I was cleaning out his closet and in this shoe box was a vibrator and cleansing get (I guess).   My parents had been divorced for 25 years and he lived alone.   I'm hoping it was for the widow two houses down.  But eww!

Threadjack - I recently went to a Good will, yes Good will and this elderly woman in front of me was purchasing two multipacks of KY jelly.  She turned to me and said 'these aren't for me".   I just smiled.

/I think it was for a nursing home that she volunteered at.  I guess KY has other uses.  Or not?
 
2013-03-14 04:26:40 PM
Should of buried it with her. Now it will probably turn on by itself late at night and buzz across the floor.
 
2013-03-14 04:26:58 PM

CleanAndPure: Just because she's dead doesn't mean she should stop using it.

Use an adapter kit to have it run on AC. Position it in her flower in her casket... make sure when burying her to leave the plug unburied.

If using a vibrator on a dead woman in a casket seems a little sick... bring the dead wife into bed with you and your wife and enjoy her together.


O_o
/your username + that statement =brainsplosion
 
2013-03-14 04:28:55 PM

brap: Paint a jersey on it and throw it on an electric football field, it will be UNSTOPPABLE!


Awesome.
 
2013-03-14 04:29:07 PM
1.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.comDIY Sonicare. Duh.
 
2013-03-14 04:30:19 PM
Two words:  Secret Santa
 
2013-03-14 04:30:24 PM
My serious advice:

The 3 options are

1 Throw it out and suggest shopping for sex toys together, online or in person. On the negative side it is more expensive, on the positive it can often prove a turn on and you will be able to gauge her kinkiness by what she shows interest in.

2 Clean it thoroughly and bring it out one night saying "I've got something new for us to try" Technically it is new to your sex life. On the plus side you get more use from an expensive piece of equipment, on the negative if she asks detailed questions you either have to fess up or risk a lie, either is kinda dangerous.

3 put it someplace she is likely to discover like a bedside table and when she does so let her decide it's fate. Some people are creeped out by sex toys that have been used by others, some are not.
 
2013-03-14 04:31:12 PM
IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING, SET IT FREE.

IF IT COMES BACK TO YOU, IT IS YOURS FOREVER.

IF IT DOES NOT, IT WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE.
 
2013-03-14 04:31:33 PM

Killer Cars: work-related Secret Santa deal.


o, hai!
 
2013-03-14 04:32:17 PM

shifty lookin bleeder: Two words:  Secret Santa


Secretion Santa.
 
2013-03-14 04:32:22 PM
Well, I work in the dead vibrating dildo induastry, so I am really getting a "buzz" out of these replies. . . . .
 
HBK
2013-03-14 04:33:08 PM
Pick a random address off of google maps. Get drunk and mail it from a post box far from your house. Include a note that says "this was my dead wife's vibrator."

Laugh to yourself everytime you think of the confused recipient.
 
2013-03-14 04:36:12 PM
Re-purpose it. Tear it down, pull out the motor, and use it to power your new sex robot.
 
2013-03-14 04:36:17 PM
NightOwl2255


Is there a market for used sex toys?

I run a small business that sells used, uncleaned toys from vending machines in Japan. So the answer is yes.
 
2013-03-14 04:36:42 PM
You need to steer into the skid.  While marketing a used sex toy may have a tiny market, a "death vibrator" could bring top dollar from the right buyer.  Just let on that the last user died in the throes of passion to this toy.  This should provide sufficient mythos to intrigue your perspective buyers.  Some crazy net denizen will pay highly to take on such a legendary challenge. Knowing that none of its previous users have survived the experience will provide that sense of danger and risk that they are secretly craving.
 
2013-03-14 04:38:22 PM
Yes
 
2013-03-14 04:39:14 PM
`That which once seemed fixed and immutable has been, sadly, found to be, ultimately, merely detachable'

Widowed Rubber Husband seeking a new and labile position.
Will submit to whatever brand of battery is desired.
 
2013-03-14 04:39:39 PM

wildcardjack: Your dead wife's vibrator would, by now, be an outdated model.


So, Antiques Roadshow?
 
2013-03-14 04:39:59 PM
farking, EW!
 
2013-03-14 04:41:06 PM

Random Anonymous Blackmail: NightOwl2255


Is there a market for used sex toys?

I run a small business that sells used, uncleaned toys from vending machines in Japan. So the answer is yes.


That's disgusting! Just nasty. Do you have a web site. So I could...um...complain about how nasty that is?
 
2013-03-14 04:41:27 PM

Znuh: shifty lookin bleeder: Two words:  Secret Santa

Secretion Santa.


*strangestboner.jpg*
 
2013-03-14 04:42:38 PM

stuff: You need to steer into the skid.  While marketing a used sex toy may have a tiny market, a "death vibrator" could bring top dollar from the right buyer.  Just let on that the last user died in the throes of passion to this toy.  This should provide sufficient mythos to intrigue your perspective buyers.  Some crazy net denizen will pay highly to take on such a legendary challenge. Knowing that none of its previous users have survived the experience will provide that sense of danger and risk that they are secretly craving.


DEATH VIBRATOR - If I ever start a band, that's going to be our name!!
 
2013-03-14 04:48:42 PM
Rent a Storage Locker.  Get a lot of large boxes.  Write on them "Original Star Wars: A New Hope Figures", "Empire Strikes Back Figures", "RoTJ Figures", "Vehicles", and a couple listed as "Comic Books, 1950's & 60's), make sure it is organized well.  Place the vibrator in a random box.

Let storage locker payments lapse.  Attend storage locker auction and enjoy hilarity.
 
2013-03-14 04:50:03 PM
April 1st isn't for another 2 weeks....
 
2013-03-14 04:50:47 PM

red230: She finds the solution to this issue in the second question.


Or put it on http://www.ebay.co.jp/
 
2013-03-14 04:53:32 PM

Random Anonymous Blackmail: NightOwl2255


Is there a market for used sex toys?

I run a small business that sells used, uncleaned toys from vending machines in Japan. So the answer is yes.


www.lolz.se
 
2013-03-14 04:54:12 PM
Put it in the claw machine at a bowling ally.
 
2013-03-14 04:54:24 PM

fredirc: Hollow it out, use shell to build amateur rocket. Attempt space shot.


Totally! F*ck space!
 
2013-03-14 04:55:47 PM
Centerpiece for the dinner table.
 
2013-03-14 04:56:37 PM

NightOwl2255: Is there a market for used sex toys? Off to eBay to check. I wonder if the phrase "gently used" will be found.


Previously o-o-o-OOOOwned.
 
2013-03-14 04:58:17 PM

abfalter: Dear Reader:

Generally the best thing you can do is to give the item away.  Perhaps a sign in your driveway saying "Dead Wife's Vibrator -- FREE!".  The vibrator itself can be placed on the ground in front of the sign.  I am certain that that will attract attention.

-- Prudence


It is best to put $50 on it.  If you put free, people wont steal it, thinking it has issues.
 
2013-03-14 04:59:51 PM
CTRL+F craigslist Phrase not found

What is wrong with you people?
 
2013-03-14 04:59:51 PM

Lettuce Pray: [1.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com image 600x803]DIY Sonicare. Duh.


I LOLOLOLED to that.  never seen that joke before.  bravo.
 
2013-03-14 05:00:53 PM
I figured my dead wife's sex toys were worthless, but gazelle.com paid me top dollar for all of them. Even the little 14 inch "Black Mamba"!

Thanks, gazelle.com!
 
2013-03-14 05:01:40 PM
He should have donated it to Toys For Twats.
 
2013-03-14 05:02:25 PM
bullshiat, Prudence. i sold a used 'massager' with all the attachments on eBay about 8 years ago. people will buy anything.
 
2013-03-14 05:02:32 PM

tdyak: Rent a Storage Locker.  Get a lot of large boxes.  Write on them "Original Star Wars: A New Hope Figures", "Empire Strikes Back Figures", "RoTJ Figures", "Vehicles", and a couple listed as "Comic Books, 1950's & 60's), make sure it is organized well.  Place the vibrator in a random box.

Let storage locker payments lapse.  Attend storage locker auction and enjoy hilarity.


awesome.
 
2013-03-14 05:03:51 PM
depends... what was she doing when she died?
 
2013-03-14 05:04:01 PM

vudukungfu: This is how you troll not only the advice columnist, but her readers.


At least once a week we have an aarticle like this.  Im sure prudence is just playing along for the enormous number of readers she's getting out of it.
 
2013-03-14 05:04:27 PM

stampylives: depends... what was she doing when she died?


The pool boy.
 
2013-03-14 05:04:33 PM
FTFA:
Dear Prudence,
I have been married for 16 years and can count on one hand the number of times my husband and I have had sex. For the first five months of our relationship sex was frequent and passionate. Then I got the engagement ring and the excuses started. I married him because he was the love of my life and hoped things would get better after the stress of planning a wedding was behind us. I was also in my mid-30s and wanted children. The honeymoon was a huge disappointment. Our two children were conceived through IVF. We have been in counseling, but at this point, I'm not attracted to him anymore. He is kind, smart, funny, and a great provider. He is a fabulous father and he and our young teenage twins would be devastated if we divorced. In five years, the twins will be in college. Do I leave him after the kids go and try to find someone else? Or stay and live in a comfortable but platonic marriage?
-Too Good to Go, Too Bad to Stay
Dear Bad,
On your way to the fertility clinic to mix up your gametes in the laboratory because your physically capable husband is so phobic and twisted about sex that he won't do the deed with you, I wonder if an inner voice said, "This is completely crazy." Yes, you were eager to have children, but when your husband insisted on a celibate honeymoon, that was the time to recognize the extent of his pathology. If you have a normal sex drive, I don't know how you can consider continuing your monastic existence (actually, I'm betting a lot more sex has taken place at monasteries than in your marriage) once the kids have gone. Frankly, I don't know why you should condemn yourself to another five years of this. If for the sake of your children's stability that sacrifice seems worth it to you, that's your choice. But I'd suggest you go back into couples therapy and discuss the possibilities of divorce or open marriage. Your husband has reneged on one of the basic principles of your union, and you're entitled to seek a physical connection elsewhere. Since you must be incredibly sexually frustrated, I know a place where you get a fancy Jopen vibrator, cheap.
-Prudie


I have to wonder if this is the same response that she would have given to a husband, had he written her complaining that he doesn't get enough sex from his wife, or if a wife who doesn't put out was to write to her about her husband cheating on her.  "You're entitled to seek a physical connection elsewhere" probably wouldn't have been the phrasing she would have used.

/I realize this isn't really related to the topic the headline referenced, but it's from TFA
//I see no problem with a gently used sex toy being reused by someone if it has properly been sanitized and there are no health concerns, regardless of the fate of the original owner
 
2013-03-14 05:05:09 PM
img2u.info
"You can stick it where the sun don't shine!"
 
2013-03-14 05:06:00 PM

tdyak: Rent a Storage Locker.  Get a lot of large boxes.  Write on them "Original Star Wars: A New Hope Figures", "Empire Strikes Back Figures", "RoTJ Figures", "Vehicles", and a couple listed as "Comic Books, 1950's & 60's), make sure it is organized well.  Place the vibrator in a random box.

Let storage locker payments lapse.  Attend storage locker auction and enjoy hilarity.


Noooooooooope!
 
2013-03-14 05:06:19 PM

drdank: He should have donated it to Toys For Twats.


I think we're done here.

/thread
 
2013-03-14 05:06:58 PM
Buy yourself a vibrating lifelike mold of a pornstar's nether regions.  Your choice.

Turn both items on, then insert one into the other.

Let them duke it out until only one is left standing.

Return the champion to the manufacturer.  Include instructions that it is to be used for breeding purposes.  The champion's offspring will be that much better, thanks to your efforts.
 
2013-03-14 05:09:52 PM

devilEther: I make a grown woman cry, I make a dead woman come


Voodoo dick, my ass.
 
2013-03-14 05:11:28 PM

Fano: devilEther: I make a grown woman cry, I make a dead woman come

Voodoo dick, my ass.


Well, if you say so...
 
2013-03-14 05:12:27 PM
i.walmartimages.com

Use it as a replacement for a broken jart?
 
2013-03-14 05:12:55 PM

Marquis de Sod: Consult your clergyman. Make sure the vibrator is blessed and everything should be just fine...just fine


If she was using this one, I think she'd be OK. (NSF Anyfarkingthing)
 
2013-03-14 05:14:46 PM

Digitalstrange: My serious advice:

The 3 options are

1 Throw it out and suggest shopping for sex toys together, online or in person. On the negative side it is more expensive, on the positive it can often prove a turn on and you will be able to gauge her kinkiness by what she shows interest in.

2 Clean it thoroughly and bring it out one night saying "I've got something new for us to try" Technically it is new to your sex life. On the plus side you get more use from an expensive piece of equipment, on the negative if she asks detailed questions you either have to fess up or risk a lie, either is kinda dangerous.

3 put it someplace she is likely to discover like a bedside table and when she does so let her decide it's fate. Some people are creeped out by sex toys that have been used by others, some are not.


4 When she finds it, say "I could've swore that was buried with her"
 
2013-03-14 05:15:15 PM

This space intentionally left blank.: Marquis de Sod: Consult your clergyman. Make sure the vibrator is blessed and everything should be just fine...just fine

If she was using this one, I think she'd be OK. (NSF Anyfarkingthing)


"The Second Coming"??
 
2013-03-14 05:16:29 PM

fat boy: 4 When she finds it, say "I could've swore that was buried with her"


"with" her, or "in" her?
 
2013-03-14 05:16:33 PM

solokumba: Or just give her on of these RAZORMAXX from Fark's featured 'no comments' allowed partners.

[s3-ec.buzzfed.com image 625x409]


That pharking phone sucks!!
 
2013-03-14 05:16:41 PM
I dunno - you can stick it up your ass for all I care.
 
2013-03-14 05:16:51 PM
Necrodildonics?

I'm imagining Vincent Price reading Penthouse Letters.
 
2013-03-14 05:19:48 PM

Evil Mackerel: Put it in the claw machine at a bowling ally.


www.jonathanrosenbaum.com
 
2013-03-14 05:22:21 PM
Take it to the mall and nonchalantly slip it into another woman's purse/shopping bag.
 
2013-03-14 05:22:56 PM
Turn it on.
Put it in a box.
Leave it under a seat at mall food court
Get another Fark greenlight.
 
2013-03-14 05:23:03 PM

SultanofSchwing: This space intentionally left blank.: Marquis de Sod: Consult your clergyman. Make sure the vibrator is blessed and everything should be just fine...just fine

If she was using this one, I think she'd be OK. (NSF Anyfarkingthing)

"The Second Coming"??


Third, fourth, and fifth too.
 
2013-03-14 05:25:30 PM

Harry Freakstorm: If you had the wife cremated, you can put it in the urn. It'll find its own way from there. If you buried her, don't leave at the cemetery. It'll just wander off.


I'm pissed the insensitive jerk didn't bury it with her. What is she supposed to do for eternity?
 
2013-03-14 05:26:29 PM

mcmnky: Harry Freakstorm: If you had the wife cremated, you can put it in the urn. It'll find its own way from there. If you buried her, don't leave at the cemetery. It'll just wander off.

I'm pissed the insensitive jerk didn't bury it with her. What is she supposed to do for eternity?


Manual labor.
 
2013-03-14 05:27:13 PM
On the 'B' Ark, you see, we have all the hairdressers, insurance salesmen, vibrator sanitizers, management consultants, advice columnists...
 
2013-03-14 05:30:32 PM
He didn't have nearly as much trouble selling off their second car, even though she always insisted he drives and let her ride shotgun...


i2.ytimg.com
 
2013-03-14 05:32:58 PM
As someone who has "re-gifted" a piece of "intimate glassware" (damn expensive too), all I have to say is:

heh.
 
2013-03-14 05:37:07 PM

This space intentionally left blank.: fat boy: 4 When she finds it, say "I could've swore that was buried with her"

"with" her, or "in" her?


Of course, it's company policy never to imply location in the event of a vibrator.
 
2013-03-14 05:39:32 PM
Certainly do NOT give it to your new lady, as it is most likely cursed.
 
2013-03-14 05:41:17 PM

Ebenator: Certainly do NOT give it to your new lady, as it is most likely cursed.


content6.flixster.com
 
2013-03-14 05:46:00 PM
Donate it to an inner city program for disadvantaged youths. If girls dont need to have sex, they cant get teen pregnant.
 
2013-03-14 05:47:37 PM

Nana's Vibrator: Your husband wasn't a virgin when you met him, yet there you are, all sticking his woowoo into your hooha.  And he's a disgusting slob.  Most vibrators are dishwasher safe and don't backhand your cheekbone for burning the pasta for the third time this week.  This is a no-brainer.  If the ungrateful little slores in your immediate family can't appreciate a gift AND a compliment, just leave it at a bus stop.  It'll find a ride home.


Burning the pasta?
 
2013-03-14 05:48:51 PM

stuff: You need to steer into the skid.  While marketing a used sex toy may have a tiny market, a "death vibrator" could bring top dollar from the right buyer.  Just let on that the last user died in the throes of passion to this toy.  This should provide sufficient mythos to intrigue your perspective buyers.  Some crazy net denizen will pay highly to take on such a legendary challenge. Knowing that none of its previous users have survived the experience will provide that sense of danger and risk that they are secretly craving.


I happen to have an opening in the annuity sales department and feel you might just be the go getter we are looking for . Please forward your resume ASAP.
 
2013-03-14 05:50:12 PM
Dear Verzio -
I know you said in your last column that I should stop running obviously fake letters (like the "screwed the pooch" one a few days ago).  But every time I do, I get a link from Fark, and my bosses at Slate praise me for the money I'm making for them.  So I did it again.  How can I stop doing this?
- Prudence

Dear Prudence -
I would point out to you that while whores fake it for money, they actually provide a real service to real people, and despite myths rarely have pimps.  Stop writing for Slate and start writing for the escort ads on Backpage.
 
2013-03-14 05:50:13 PM
Put it in the Goodwill night drop.
 
2013-03-14 05:57:11 PM

wildcardjack: Dear reader,

Your dead wife's vibrator would, by now, be an outdated model. You'll be surprised at the new market for knobs and ribs and gyrating features with flashing lights and MP3 compatible music players. It would be a bonding experience to go out as a couple and buy a new vibrator together. But and don't cheap out, this might be a more important purchase than anything you'll get at the jeweler's.


You better damn well make sure you can perform, because as long as the battery power is fully charged, there is no way any man can compete with that, plus while your at work, you can guess what she'll be doing at home.

/First symptom is laundry piling up.
 
2013-03-14 05:58:34 PM

Ebenator: Certainly do NOT give it to your new lady, as it is most likely cursed.


24.media.tumblr.com
 
2013-03-14 06:00:43 PM
themasterdebater:You better damn well make sure you can perform, because as long as the battery power is fully charged, there is no way any man can compete with that, plus while your at work, you can guess what she'll be doing at home.

/First symptom is laundry piling up.


Once the laundry starts to pile up, the toy is taken away.  Withholding sex toysworks both ways.
 
2013-03-14 06:11:05 PM
Just how expensive....?

http://www.amazon.com/JOPEN-JO-4770-14-3-Vanity-Jopen-vr12-Vibrator/ dp /B004KS2CZ4

$142, even on Amazon?  OK, well, I understand your need to get a return on the investment at least....
 
2013-03-14 06:14:20 PM

Oznog: Just how expensive....?

http://www.amazon.com/JOPEN-JO-4770-14-3-Vanity-Jopen-vr12-Vibrator/ dp /B004KS2CZ4

$142, even on Amazon?  OK, well, I understand your need to get a return on the investment at least....


That's no vibrator....
 
2013-03-14 06:14:46 PM
Beavis, you boner popping pervert, it's not even normal to ask
 
2013-03-14 06:19:13 PM
Dear Reader:
I bet that vibrator would fetch a tidy profit on eBay if you include a copy of your wife's death certificate along with it. Of course you would have to have a small note indicating she did not in fact die from the device, but some people still might get a kick out of having a dead woman's vibrator and her death certificate together.
Then go buy your new person their own vibrator to enjoy.
 
2013-03-14 06:19:15 PM
...This, combined with the 'lol boobz' thread below, makes me weep for humanity's collective intelligence.
 
2013-03-14 06:21:15 PM

SultanofSchwing: Oznog: Just how expensive....?

http://www.amazon.com/JOPEN-JO-4770-14-3-Vanity-Jopen-vr12-Vibrator/ dp /B004KS2CZ4

$142, even on Amazon?  OK, well, I understand your need to get a return on the investment at least....

That's no vibrator....


It's a space station?
 
2013-03-14 06:22:02 PM
Maybe he wants to finally be able to brag that he had a threesome with his wife and girlfriend. Shine on, man.
 
2013-03-14 06:27:00 PM
media.comicvine.com
 
2013-03-14 06:27:22 PM
cdn2.holytaco.com
 
2013-03-14 06:41:07 PM

themasterdebater: wildcardjack: Dear reader,

Your dead wife's vibrator would, by now, be an outdated model. You'll be surprised at the new market for knobs and ribs and gyrating features with flashing lights and MP3 compatible music players. It would be a bonding experience to go out as a couple and buy a new vibrator together. But and don't cheap out, this might be a more important purchase than anything you'll get at the jeweler's.

You better damn well make sure you can perform, because as long as the battery power is fully charged, there is no way any man can compete with that, plus while your at work, you can guess what she'll be doing at home.

/First symptom is laundry piling up.


You clearly don't understand how most women work sexually.

/protip: a vibrator lacks the capacity for romance, or the capacity to be spontaneous beyond perhaps some random settings
//If you think you can be replaced by a vibrator, the problem is not the vibrator
 
2013-03-14 06:53:34 PM
Leave it somewhere she'll find it.

"Honey, what's this?"

"Oh, uh, that was my wife's. Sorry, I'll throw it out."

"Hold on, this looks expensive!"

"We'll I guess if you really want it..."

Problem solved.
 
2013-03-14 07:08:12 PM
"Dead Wife's Vibrator" would be a great name for a band.
 
2013-03-14 07:10:11 PM

Oznog: Just how expensive....?

http://www.amazon.com/JOPEN-JO-4770-14-3-Vanity-Jopen-vr12-Vibrator/ dp /B004KS2CZ4

$142, even on Amazon?  OK, well, I understand your need to get a return on the investment at least....


I notice Amazon has no used ones available.  I guess the guy who wrote dear Prudence is having a chat with the new missus.
 
2013-03-14 07:18:28 PM

hdhale: 1. Remove the batteries.
2. If batteries are still useable, put them in another device that needs them.  If not, dispose of them properly.
3. Douse the toy with a liberal amount of lighter fluid.
4. Viking funeral.

/done


I lol'd
 
2013-03-14 07:23:40 PM
so was she hot or what?
 
2013-03-14 07:28:22 PM

Nana's Vibrator: Your husband wasn't a virgin when you met him, yet there you are, all sticking his woowoo into your hooha.  And he's a disgusting slob.  Most vibrators are dishwasher safe and don't backhand your cheekbone for burning the pasta for the third time this week.  This is a no-brainer.  If the ungrateful little slores in your immediate family can't appreciate a gift AND a compliment, just leave it at a bus stop.  It'll find a ride home.


If you burn pasta three times in one week, I might backhand you for using the stove without supervision.
 
2013-03-14 07:30:12 PM

Oznog: Just how expensive....?

http://www.amazon.com/JOPEN-JO-4770-14-3-Vanity-Jopen-vr12-Vibrator/ dp /B004KS2CZ4

$142, even on Amazon?  OK, well, I understand your need to get a return on the investment at least....


 "Here, honey, this is a genuine Warhol sculpture of a purple cactus flipping off a cop. It's priceless, it's chic, and if you turn this knob it dances!"

/ alt: "It's a Futurama action figure... I forget the episode."

//altalt: Don't tell her. Just use it on her. Then, after running to the bathroom so you can slowly lick it clean while weeping and masturbating you can think of your dead wife's ...... hey, they were right, this keyboard IS vomit proof!
 
2013-03-14 07:33:45 PM

Stoker: Dear Reader:
I bet that vibrator would fetch a tidy profit on eBay if you include a copy of your wife's death certificate along with it. Of course you would have to have a small note indicating she did not in fact die from the device, but some people still might get a kick out of having a dead woman's vibrator and her death certificate together.
Then go buy your new person their own vibrator to enjoy.


I'm imagining spentmiles' take on the scenario
 
2013-03-14 07:34:08 PM

ChubbyTiger: Nana's Vibrator: Your husband wasn't a virgin when you met him, yet there you are, all sticking his woowoo into your hooha.  And he's a disgusting slob.  Most vibrators are dishwasher safe and don't backhand your cheekbone for burning the pasta for the third time this week.  This is a no-brainer.  If the ungrateful little slores in your immediate family can't appreciate a gift AND a compliment, just leave it at a bus stop.  It'll find a ride home.

Burning the pasta?


What, you've never barbecued spaghetti?
 
2013-03-14 07:37:22 PM
Yes.  Throw it out.
 
2013-03-14 07:39:11 PM
BTW, This "advice" column is the one that told a guy who couldn't get a girl because of his tiny penis to find a cripple.
 
2013-03-14 07:39:45 PM
only use it on your new girl's butt?
 
2013-03-14 07:44:22 PM

riverwalk barfly: When my father died I was cleaning out his closet and in this shoe box was a vibrator and cleansing get (I guess).   My parents had been divorced for 25 years and he lived alone.   I'm hoping it was for the widow two houses down.  But eww!

Threadjack - I recently went to a Good will, yes Good will and this elderly woman in front of me was purchasing two multipacks of KY jelly.  She turned to me and said 'these aren't for me".   I just smiled.

/I think it was for a nursing home that she volunteered at.  I guess KY has other uses.  Or not?


You would not believe how much old people (in nursing homes) fark. They are single, have nothing better to do, can't get pregnant, and are dying soon anyway, so fark STDs. Usually old people don't give a fark if you think it is for them either, so maybe it really was for someone else. Or I just had a really open Grandma...
 
2013-03-14 07:48:24 PM
Give it a burial worthy of a soldier:

www.thegauntlet.com
 
2013-03-14 07:55:17 PM

Banned on the Run: "Dead Wife's Vibrator" would be a great name for a band.


No. It wouldn't.
 
2013-03-14 08:13:17 PM

unfarkingbelievable: Banned on the Run: "Dead Wife's Vibrator" would be a great name for a band.

No. It wouldn't.

-=-
Not even for a gay punk country band?
 
2013-03-14 08:17:57 PM
img694.imageshack.us
 
2013-03-14 08:42:19 PM
Dear Reader:

 Won't you come out to play?   The clouds will be a daisy chain, so let me see you smile again.  The sun is up, the sky is blue, it's beautiful and so are you.
 
2013-03-14 09:01:48 PM

metric: "Since you must be incredibly sexually frustrated, I know a place where you get a fancy Jopen vibrator, cheap."

Hilarious .


came here to post this. that's pretty funny
 
2013-03-14 09:03:34 PM
Dear Prudence, Is it creepy to offer my dead wife's vibrator to someone else? And if so what else can I do with it?

Dear reader, Why don't you shove it up your ass and quit bothering me with questions like this?
 
Skr
2013-03-14 09:39:05 PM
Hitachi Magic Wands are cheap, just gift a new one of those.

The dead wife's vibrator should have been buried with her.
 
2013-03-14 10:00:12 PM

Grobbley: I have to wonder if this is the same response that she would have given to a husband, had he written her complaining that he doesn't get enough sex from his wife, or if a wife who doesn't put out was to write to her about her husband cheating on her. "You're entitled to seek a physical connection elsewhere" probably wouldn't have been the phrasing she would have used.

/I realize this isn't really related to the topic the headline referenced, but it's from TFA
//I see no problem with a gently used sex toy being reused by someone if it has properly been sanitized and there are no health concerns, regardless of the fate of the original owner


Instead of showing the world your persecution complex, maybe you should actually try, I dunno, reading a few columns? They're free and right there, and you can even use Google to narrow them down. Hypothesizing that the world is out to get you isn't very appealing.

/Emily Yoffe is the less gross version of Dan Savage and tends to be less radically feminist than the rest of Slate, in my experience. Dear Abby, on the other hand....
 
2013-03-14 10:07:14 PM
Put a handkerchief on it, add a green light, tie it to an outside tree - bam, a spooky ghost decoration that moves.  Fun for all ages.

Dress it up as Santa - tabletop dancing Santa decoration.

Put it out as your Easter centerpiece - it is a rabbit after all.

Attach to a flagpole - on patriotic holidays, your flag will always wave high.

-brought to you by Martha Schtupert
 
2013-03-14 10:17:12 PM

Nana's Vibrator: there you are, all sticking his woowoo into your hooha.


i.imgur.com
 
2013-03-14 10:29:51 PM

JohnBigBootay: #1 - throw it out

#2 - give it a thorough cleaning and give it t9o the new subject. Just know that you can never speak of it to any living person. I know it's fine. you know it's fine. The vibrator will harm no one but no one wants to speak of, or think about your dead wife in this context.

To sum up, you already knew the answer to your stupid question before you asked it.


Perhaps the  vibrator could channel some sexuality and emotion from the deceased that would bring zest and clarity to the new recipient.

/twitch
 
2013-03-14 10:39:57 PM

foxyshadis: Grobbley: I have to wonder if this is the same response that she would have given to a husband, had he written her complaining that he doesn't get enough sex from his wife, or if a wife who doesn't put out was to write to her about her husband cheating on her. "You're entitled to seek a physical connection elsewhere" probably wouldn't have been the phrasing she would have used.

/I realize this isn't really related to the topic the headline referenced, but it's from TFA
//I see no problem with a gently used sex toy being reused by someone if it has properly been sanitized and there are no health concerns, regardless of the fate of the original owner

Instead of showing the world your persecution complex, maybe you should actually try, I dunno, reading a few columns? They're free and right there, and you can even use Google to narrow them down. Hypothesizing that the world is out to get you isn't very appealing.

/Emily Yoffe is the less gross version of Dan Savage and tends to be less radically feminist than the rest of Slate, in my experience. Dear Abby, on the other hand....


I like how you assume I'm a male (and a butthurt one at that) because I pointed out a possible inconsistency, while at the same time avoiding my supposition altogether.
 
2013-03-14 10:54:33 PM
WTF?  Did she die with it in her?  No?  Then it's just a used vibrator.  Unless you stuck it in her when she was dead.  Then it does indeed become your dead wife's vibrator and should be headed for a landfill.
 
2013-03-14 11:14:36 PM

Znuh: Hang onto it.

The new ones have the weirdest DRM and have to be online all the time.


You don't owe me a new keyboard, but Guinness through the nose...ow...
 
2013-03-15 12:31:14 AM
Am I in before Anal Intruder 2000?
 
2013-03-15 01:03:51 AM
Well, I have one that cost $120 (I totally had a coupon), and I have to say, it's not that impressive. It has too many buttons (including F1-F5), and I worry that if I punched in the Koonami code that I would see an effect similar to Cartman's anal probe.

Also no, it was not used, that's gross. Buy a new one, you sick fark. On the bright side, a lot of new favorites were christened because of this thread.
 
2013-03-15 01:06:56 AM
Lost my wife to cancer. :(

/Not getting a kick.
 
2013-03-15 01:14:45 AM

drdank: He should have donated it to Toys For Twats


And we are done....Lets wrap it up folks, we have a lot of snide remarks to make in other threads.
 
2013-03-15 10:05:56 AM
Just go buy the same unit.  Let her see the box so she knows it is new.  Then announce you will take it to the workshop and get some batteries and see how it works.  Come back with used unit.

Next day, take the box back to the store for a full credit refund.
 
2013-03-15 10:09:54 AM

Mitch Taylor's Bro: NightOwl2255: Is there a market for used sex toys? Off to eBay to check. I wonder if the phrase "gently used" will be found.

Previously o-o-o-OOOOwned.


That comment was worth the visit.  Carry on, good sir.
 
2013-03-15 10:14:48 AM

SultanofSchwing: tdyak: Rent a Storage Locker.  Get a lot of large boxes.  Write on them "Original Star Wars: A New Hope Figures", "Empire Strikes Back Figures", "RoTJ Figures", "Vehicles", and a couple listed as "Comic Books, 1950's & 60's), make sure it is organized well.  Place the vibrator in a random box.

Let storage locker payments lapse.  Attend storage locker auction and enjoy hilarity.

Noooooooooope!


If I was the public storage, I would add a box or two labelled like that, and let the donkeys pay you $3500
for $45 of worthless furniture and clothes.  Roll in an occasional flood damaged BMW m5 that is worth $1000 and let them bid it up.
 
HBK
2013-03-15 10:52:45 PM

Nutsac_Jim: Just go buy the same unit.  Let her see the box so she knows it is new.  Then announce you will take it to the workshop and get some batteries and see how it works.  Come back with used unit.

Next day, take the box back to the store for a full credit refund.


I don't know from experience, but I'd hope that stores generally have a "No Returns" policy when it comes to sex toys.
 
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