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(Discovery)   Remember when Jesus shape shifted and Judas had to kiss the new guy to prove he was Jesus?   (news.discovery.com) divider line 43
    More: Repeat, shapeshifting, jesus, Egyptian, Coptic, Pilates, Alleged Relics of Jesus  
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5735 clicks; posted to Main » on 14 Mar 2013 at 9:21 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



43 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2013-03-14 08:22:50 AM
now only if tyrone had that ability he wouldn't get arrested for aggrevated assault against a peace officer so often
 
2013-03-14 09:19:30 AM
Jesus was a Founder?  I thought he was a Prophet.
 
2013-03-14 09:22:53 AM
Did he make the Transformers sound? That would be cool.
 
2013-03-14 09:26:15 AM
He could even shift into a repeat headline!
 
2013-03-14 09:29:11 AM
Maybe he was just a master of disguise?

beckyyamamoto.files.wordpress.com
 
2013-03-14 09:29:44 AM

UberDave: Jesus was a Founder?  I thought he was a Prophet.


No way, Jesus was totally an Ancient.
 
2013-03-14 09:30:47 AM
<pissy sarcasm and contempt>Well FARK ME!!!  I'd better go tithe!  And a new pope too!  </pissy sarcasm and contempt>
 
2013-03-14 09:32:05 AM
cdn-static.denofgeek.com

Must have been difficult with both identical twins hopping about.
 
2013-03-14 09:32:08 AM
I remember like it was just  yesterday.
 
2013-03-14 09:33:58 AM

Abe Vigoda's Ghost: I remember like it was just  yesterday.


Came here to say exactly that, leaving frustrated.
 
2013-03-14 09:34:08 AM
"The discovery of the text doesn't mean these events happened, but rather that some people living at the time appear to have believed in them..."

...so, it's no different than the Bible.
 
2013-03-14 09:34:33 AM
FTFA: text doesn't mean these events happened, but rather that some people living at the time appear to have believed in them

Truer words have never been spoken...
 
2013-03-14 09:37:12 AM
Any description of his tap dancing abilities in that text?
 
2013-03-14 09:38:48 AM
I always liked the idea that they pointed out another guy, that Jesus got away.
 
2013-03-14 09:41:35 AM
Weaver95: possibility one: Jesus was a trickster god, or maybe a trickster god created christianity as a joke that later got outta hand.

possibility two: 'Jesus' was the user name on the account.  the disciples created 'Jesus' as a persona.  they made up a costume, perfected the stage act and then swapped identities around whenever they went into a big town.  But things get too big too fast, and Judas and Peter figure they gotta find a way to calm that shiat down before they ALL end up getting stoned in the town square.  so they get the dumbest, most trusting guy in the pile to assume the persona of Jesus telling him that hey, it's cool...one more big score and they'll all blow town.  the fix is in, they'll get him out of it before he goes down for good.  He just has to play the role and Pilate will rough him up, let him go.   things are going great until the crowd goes nuts.  Pilate took the bribe but to keep the crowd from going all stabby he's got no choice - he HAS to sell 'Jesus' down the river.  So this guy ends up playing the role of his life: the whole deal....whipping, crucifixion, torture...the whole bit.  Judas and Peter are appalled, this wasn't part of the plan but they're in too deep.  they hang around for a bit, not knowing what to do next.  after 'Jesus' is dead, they figure they'd better go get the body because with all this attention someone might go dig up 'Jesus' and see if descriptions match.  if someone figures out 'Jesus' is just an actor playing a role, they'll ALL go down in flames.  they get Mary and the girls to make up a crazy story about angels, haul the body out of town in the dead of night, and bury it in an unmarked grave out in the desert.  then they spend the next 50 years playing up the cult from behind the scenes, Peter lets it go to his head and Judas gets a serious case of the guilts and either hangs himself or the other disciples off him and make it look like a suicide.



Was good sauce.
 
2013-03-14 09:41:46 AM
Excuse me, while I kiss this guy!
 
2013-03-14 09:43:27 AM
so they were lovers
 
2013-03-14 09:44:54 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_FprDi1qOrQ">http://www.youtube.com/wa tch?v=_FprDi1qOrQ

Officer Good Friday:   How are we supossed to know this Mr. Jesus fellow?
Judas:   I'll point him out to you.
Friday:   That's not good enough.   We need something more definite.  What if we get the wrong guy?
Judas:   OK, I'll go up and shake his hand.
Friday:   That's still not definite enough.  What if someone shakes your hand first?
Judas:   What do you want me to do?  Kiss him?
 
2013-03-14 09:45:21 AM

amindtat: Any description of his tap dancing abilities in that text?


www.em411.com
Link
 
2013-03-14 09:45:38 AM
So jesus could have become a bunny if he wanted to?

I think all you "Christians stole the pagans' religion" people owe an apology.
 
2013-03-14 09:47:05 AM

Digitalstrange: Maybe he was just a master of disguise?

[beckyyamamoto.files.wordpress.com image 278x353]


Did you hear? He has a show on Food Network.  www.multivu.com
 
2013-03-14 09:49:40 AM

Krikkitbot: Digitalstrange: Maybe he was just a master of disguise?

[beckyyamamoto.files.wordpress.com image 278x353]

Did you hear? He has a show on Food Network.  [www.multivu.com image 400x600]


Food Network is giving shows to Observers now?

www.blastr.com
 
2013-03-14 09:50:48 AM
Sleepwalkers: Proof of yet another Jesus-inspired Steven King novel.
 
2013-03-14 09:51:12 AM

Abe Vigoda's Ghost: I remember like it was just  yesterday.


I like yesterdays thread better. I already made my funny contributions there.
 
2013-03-14 09:56:07 AM
The answer is OBVIOUS, PEOPLE!

Jesus was....

media.theiapolis.com

/TEACH THE CONTROVERSY!!!
 
2013-03-14 09:58:42 AM
A newly deciphered Egyptian text, dating back almost 1,200 years, tells part of the crucifixion story of Jesus with apocryphal plot twists, some of which have never been seen before.

Only 800 years after the alleged event?  Not exactly first or even tenth hand reporting.
 
2013-03-14 10:21:11 AM
It's interesting to see a possible answer to "Why do so many people have different versions of what Jesus looked like?" He looked different to all people.

It's also an interesting look into what people believed back then, although I'm certain there might be one or two families out there who still follow this particular branch of Christianity.

/Technically, it'd be Miaphysiate Orthodox, not Eastern Orthodox
 
2013-03-14 10:21:36 AM

CeroX: FTFA: text doesn't mean these events happened, but rather that some people living at the time appear to have believed in them

Truer words have never been spoken...


You mean an ancient text written 800 years after the fact isn't conclusive proof of shape-shifting?  Man, I am in awe of these bibilcal scholars.
 
2013-03-14 10:30:11 AM
Slow news day?  Does Drew have some kind of quota? Farking minds want to know...
 
2013-03-14 10:32:47 AM

BenJammin: A newly deciphered Egyptian text, dating back almost 1,200 years, tells part of the crucifixion story of Jesus with apocryphal plot twists, some of which have never been seen before.

Only 800 years after the alleged event?  Not exactly first or even tenth hand reporting.



Why break with tradition?
 
2013-03-14 10:37:29 AM
There's a REPEAT tag?  What's next?  A LINK-GOES-TO-WRONG-SITE tag?

i141.photobucket.com
 
2013-03-14 10:39:56 AM
They should teach this to children in Christian/Catholic schools.  (I know a Catholic is a Christian, but just try calling a Christian a Catholic and get ready for some snarkyness or a head implosion if the Christian is a fundamentalist)

It makes Jesus like one of the Uncanny X-Men, which makes him cooler to the kiddies, so, totally awesome right?

Except Jesus is like mystique, and she is one of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, so a bad guy, so, it might confuse the children.

She also switched sides and became a good guy, so a lesson about redemption. But then she became a villain again, so not very Jesusy Jesusish Jesus-like.  But then she was a good guy again...

But she continued to change sides more often than a professional wrestler, and everyone knows a flip-flopper is bad, (I'm looking at you Mit. Sorry, you're just the recent target bud. Great smile, great teeth, great hair, what went wrong?).

So Mystique is a super wealthy, Mormon politician, just like Jesus.

We should ask the Pope.


GIS for Jesus Mystique:
i485.photobucket.com
 
2013-03-14 11:38:33 AM
"They all look alike to me."

-Roman Soldier
 
2013-03-14 12:27:22 PM
So Judas and Jesus had something going.
 
2013-03-14 01:05:53 PM

alabasterblack: They should teach this to children in Christian/Catholic schools.  (I know a Catholic is a Christian, but just try calling a Christian a Catholic and get ready for some snarkyness or a head implosion if the Christian is a fundamentalist)

It makes Jesus like one of the Uncanny X-Men, which makes him cooler to the kiddies, so, totally awesome right?

Except Jesus is like mystique, and she is one of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, so a bad guy, so, it might confuse the children.

She also switched sides and became a good guy, so a lesson about redemption. But then she became a villain again, so not very Jesusy Jesusish Jesus-like.  But then she was a good guy again...

But she continued to change sides more often than a professional wrestler, and everyone knows a flip-flopper is bad, (I'm looking at you Mit. Sorry, you're just the recent target bud. Great smile, great teeth, great hair, what went wrong?).

So Mystique is a super wealthy, Mormon politician, just like Jesus.

We should ask the Pope.


GIS for Jesus Mystique:
[i485.photobucket.com image 495x373]


Insinuating that Charles and Erik were lovers?

Interesting twist on the X-Men history. It turns all the X-Men's early battles into a lover's spat.
 
2013-03-14 01:38:50 PM

trappedspirit: There's a REPEAT tag?  What's next?  A LINK-GOES-TO-WRONG-SITE tag?

[i141.photobucket.com image 420x300]


We have a Repeat tag for close to two years now, but it's admin use only, and we use it sparingly. Sometimes a headline is too good to redlight, even if it's a repeat.
 
2013-03-14 01:46:51 PM

BenJammin: A newly deciphered Egyptian text, dating back almost 1,200 years, tells part of the crucifixion story of Jesus with apocryphal plot twists, some of which have never been seen before.

Only 800 years after the alleged event?  Not exactly first or even tenth hand reporting.


Jesus had 10 hands?  That some solid shape shifting!!
 
2013-03-14 01:53:10 PM
"Near the beginning of the text, Cyril, or the person writing in his name, claims that a book has been found in Jerusalem showing the writings of the apostles on the life and crucifixion of Jesus. "Listen to me, oh my honored children, and let me tell you something of what we found written in the house of Mary ..." reads part of the text.

Again, it's unlikely that such a book was found in real life. Van den Broek said that a claim like this would have been used by the writer "to enhance the credibility of the peculiar views and uncanonical facts he is about to present by ascribing them to an apostolic source," adding that examples of this plot device can be found "frequently" in Coptic literature."


So the Coptic writers were just like Internet writers of today. They always had some false claim of authority. Interesting.
 
2013-03-14 03:13:37 PM

Deep Contact: So Judas and Jesus had something going.


Because no one gives the tongue
Like god's one begotten son
 
2013-03-14 05:27:37 PM

ZeroCorpse: alabasterblack: They should teach this to children in Christian/Catholic schools.  (I know a Catholic is a Christian, but just try calling a Christian a Catholic and get ready for some snarkyness or a head implosion if the Christian is a fundamentalist)

It makes Jesus like one of the Uncanny X-Men, which makes him cooler to the kiddies, so, totally awesome right?

Except Jesus is like mystique, and she is one of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, so a bad guy, so, it might confuse the children.

She also switched sides and became a good guy, so a lesson about redemption. But then she became a villain again, so not very Jesusy Jesusish Jesus-like.  But then she was a good guy again...

But she continued to change sides more often than a professional wrestler, and everyone knows a flip-flopper is bad, (I'm looking at you Mit. Sorry, you're just the recent target bud. Great smile, great teeth, great hair, what went wrong?).

So Mystique is a super wealthy, Mormon politician, just like Jesus.

We should ask the Pope.


GIS for Jesus Mystique:
[i485.photobucket.com image 495x373]

Insinuating that Charles and Erik were lovers?

Interesting twist on the X-Men history. It turns all the X-Men's early battles into a lover's spat.


You seem to be familiar with X-Men and you've really never come across this kind of thing or heard the jokes before? How long have you been on the internet?
 
2013-03-15 08:06:25 AM
"In the Coptic and Ethiopian churches, Pilate is regarded as a saint,"

He definitely stood up for Jesus a lot more than the apostles did, even in western stories. Pilate argued with the sanhedrin for hours over the charges, and begged the jewish crowd to let jesus go.  The apostles all ran away to hide while wetting their panties.
 
2013-03-15 08:52:36 AM
Just a note: I am only referring to what the source material says, NOT vouching for its veracity. But the reason the author of the article (and most Christians) think that the original text puts the crucifixion on friday is because they're morons who can't count to 3. (Actually it's also because they don't understand that Sabbath can mean more than Saturday). But let's say, for the sake of argument, that the Sabbath referred to is Saturday instead of Wednesday night (the start of Passover). Then, crucified on Friday, three days in the earth, 72 hours from friday is not sunday, is it? It's monday. But monday isn't ever referred to as "Sabbath", so how can that be? Well, simple. Wednesday toSaturday is 3 days. As this Egyptian text says, the last supper thingy was on a tuesday, the Passover started on Thursday (so, in those times, after sundown on Wednesday), the crucifixion happened on wednesday (cause they had to bury people before sundown, can't bury people on a Sabbath if you're Jewish) , and 3 days later the tomb was empty.
 
2013-03-15 11:54:56 AM
ThrobblefootSpectre: ]Pilate argued with the sanhedrin for hours over the charges, and begged the jewish crowd to let jesus go.

I thought that was Woderick or Bwian or someone...

 The apostles all ran away to hide while wetting their panties.

There was something in the bible about Peter's cock if I recall.
 
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