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(NYPost)   New York City presents: the douchetender. Coming soon to a bar near you   (nypost.com) divider line 305
    More: Asinine, New York City, Carroll Gardens, Bombay Sapphire  
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17535 clicks; posted to Main » on 14 Mar 2013 at 1:09 AM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-03-14 07:38:32 AM  
Sounds like "Ale Mary's" in Baltimore.  Been there only once.  Mary was tending.
 
2013-03-14 07:45:08 AM  
I don't want a stylist. I want a barber. I don't want a "mixologist", I want a bartender.  Tend the bar, mix the drinks, and do it well.
 
2013-03-14 07:46:41 AM  
A couple of questions for you Farkers:

I want one of those Crystal Head Vodka bottles for Halloween decorations. I plan on lighting them up with LED's or converting them to lamps (or both). Is the Vodka worth it, or should I just see if I can find the empty bottle?
Also, what about the Kah Tequila bottles? They're painted, but they might be cool all lit up. Is that tequila worth it?
 
2013-03-14 07:47:19 AM  

HotWingConspiracy: Eh, every shiatheel working a job a robot can perform likes to inflate their skills and importance.

I once asked a bartender at a spot that only serves faux artsy booze if he ever considered that nobody buys or carries it because it sucks. He was confident is was just because people are stupid. That said, he swore his angle was more of helping local small time players emerge and get exposure.


I've had some that wasn't bad. A local and very small distillery here uses a local brand of molasses to make rum. It's a very good rum. It's not widely sold because of the taxes imposed on them and economy of scale. They then branched out into making all kinds of other specialty products. Some of them are OK some of them are no different than mainstream products. I get that diversification might be a good move for them and that's probably why they did it but you should hear some of the morons assuming that just because it's small time and local it MUST be better.
 
2013-03-14 07:48:34 AM  
Also, for the love of Francis, don't visit any bar that serves green beer this weekend. That is the sign of a bad bar.
 
2013-03-14 07:49:08 AM  

SnarfVader: Is the Vodka worth it, or should I just see if I can find the empty bottle?


You are paying a premium for the bottle. The vodka isn't terrible or anything but it's not worth the price without the cool bottle that comes with it.
 
2013-03-14 07:52:34 AM  

Egoy3k: SnarfVader: Is the Vodka worth it, or should I just see if I can find the empty bottle?

You are paying a premium for the bottle. The vodka isn't terrible or anything but it's not worth the price without the cool bottle that comes with it.


You can blame Dan Ackroyd for that in making a cool bottle filled with average Vodka.
 
2013-03-14 07:55:08 AM  
First, unless you have at very least a Bachelors degree awarded from a regionally-accredited 4-year college or university SPECIFICALLY in the field of making mixed drinks, you are NOT a "mixologist". You are a bartender. If you insist upon being called a "mixologist" without such a qualification, you are a snotty twat of a bartender who desperately needs attitude readjustment via judicious application of a tire iron.

Second, these silly little "artisan" cocktails are merely the sauce splotch and spoon smear of bartending. Maybe they might have been groundbreaking and impressive at one time. Now they are merely just another fad sought after by the stupidly pretentious.

I drank bourbon, neat, before they existed. I will be drinking bourbon, neat, long after they only appear on retro-nostalgia Food Network specials.
 
2013-03-14 07:55:42 AM  

DarkSoulNoHope: Egoy3k: SnarfVader: Is the Vodka worth it, or should I just see if I can find the empty bottle?

You are paying a premium for the bottle. The vodka isn't terrible or anything but it's not worth the price without the cool bottle that comes with it.

You can blame Dan Ackroyd for that in making a cool bottle filled with average Vodka.


That's what I thought. I'm not a Vodka aficionado so I wasn't sure. Thanks.
 
2013-03-14 07:56:01 AM  

Egoy3k: HotWingConspiracy: Eh, every shiatheel working a job a robot can perform likes to inflate their skills and importance.

I once asked a bartender at a spot that only serves faux artsy booze if he ever considered that nobody buys or carries it because it sucks. He was confident is was just because people are stupid. That said, he swore his angle was more of helping local small time players emerge and get exposure.

I've had some that wasn't bad. A local and very small distillery here uses a local brand of molasses to make rum. It's a very good rum. It's not widely sold because of the taxes imposed on them and economy of scale. They then branched out into making all kinds of other specialty products. Some of them are OK some of them are no different than mainstream products. I get that diversification might be a good move for them and that's probably why they did it but you should hear some of the morons assuming that just because it's small time and local it MUST be better.


Yeah I should say it's not like I tried everything he had behind the bar, I'm sure it ranges from terrible to great. I just wanted to pick his brain about knowing he's losing a crowd of people that most bars would die for just due to wallet issues. Cultivating some specific vibe is nice and all, but you need to cast a wide net with a bar especially with competition down the road.
 
2013-03-14 07:56:18 AM  
Gimme my gin and juice and STFU. Yes, I know what good drinks are, and I make them at home with my SO with good alcohol. No, I don't want to go to your bar and get treated like shyte while you make a sub-par beverage.
 
2013-03-14 07:56:45 AM  
So just the other day, I went to this new artisanal bakery all my (facebook) friends have been raving about, it got really good yelp reviews too. Anyway, i walk up to the counter and ask for a loaf of wonderbread and the girl just gives me this "are you farking serious?" look and tells me they don't have wonderbread. Can you believe that? So I turn to leave and go to the Walmart across the street to get some and the girl behind the counter pulls a gun and won't let me leave until I order something. So I got some breeosh, I think it was called, and it was the best thing ever, but not what I wanted, super dissapointung.

/now reread that in the lumpy space princess's voice
//don't go to a high end steakhouse and order mcgnuggets
 
2013-03-14 07:57:14 AM  

HotWingConspiracy: Eh, every shiatheel working a job a robot can perform likes to inflate their skills and importance.

I once asked a bartender at a spot that only serves faux artsy booze if he ever considered that nobody buys or carries it because it sucks. He was confident is was just because people are stupid. That said, he swore his angle was more of helping local small time players emerge and get exposure.


Every "Great Satan" was once just Pennsylvania and her 12 retarded siblings.
 
2013-03-14 08:02:15 AM  
Solution (if it hasn't already been mentioned):

1. Serve Rum and Coke/Vodka and Soda/Whatever offensive drink is ordered
2. Provide a sample of the tasty bespoke alternative ("Hey, you should try this, it's pretty hot and totally on trend right now")
3. ???
4. Profit
 
2013-03-14 08:02:47 AM  

SnarfVader: DarkSoulNoHope: Egoy3k: SnarfVader: Is the Vodka worth it, or should I just see if I can find the empty bottle?

You are paying a premium for the bottle. The vodka isn't terrible or anything but it's not worth the price without the cool bottle that comes with it.

You can blame Dan Ackroyd for that in making a cool bottle filled with average Vodka.

That's what I thought. I'm not a Vodka aficionado so I wasn't sure. Thanks.


I am not either, but I am a fan of Ghostbusters and a fan of much (not all) of Dan's work and remembered the story.
 
2013-03-14 08:03:39 AM  

King Keepo: Solution (if it hasn't already been mentioned):

1. Serve Rum and Coke/Vodka and Soda/Whatever offensive drink is ordered
2. Provide a sample of the tasty bespoke alternative ("Hey, you should try this, it's pretty hot and totally on trend right now")
3. ???
4. Profit


That's how I was talked into ordering a shot of some locally made Grappa. Holy crap! That shiat was rocket fuel.

/Still tipped well, so it worked.
 
2013-03-14 08:05:59 AM  
At first I thought calling this person an idiot was harsh, but then I read that they ended up drinking something they didn't want.  So, you got horrible service at a bar who refused to serve you what you wanted, so you actually bought what they told you to buy even though you didn't want it?  I'm sorry, but this is proof you are an idiot.  If a bar does that to you, go somewhere else.
 
2013-03-14 08:08:50 AM  

bunner: Gimmie a whiskey neat and hold the horsesh*t.


Ordered a Dewar's, neat.
Girl brought me some fine scotch on the rocks.
I stood up an walked out.
 
2013-03-14 08:09:02 AM  

cptjeff: factoryconnection: Knowing how I feel when people request really banal, played-out covers at gigs, I'd feel the same way these c*nty bartenders do. However, because I like keeping a party (and tips) going, I'll play their stupid request for "Blister in the Sun" with a smile and some joking around.

Would they sh*t on me for asking for bourbon with a twist of lemon? Probably but that is freaking good.

No, and they'd probably give you a pretty nice bourbon.

The disdain is for idiots who go into a craft cocktail bar and order something without taste. Your "premium" vodka is a marketing scam, not a quality drink. And they're not going to serve you a Bud Light.

The Snow Dog: When you work for tips, you'd be an idiot to try and make your customers feel abused. W

These guys are not working for tips in a dive bar. These guys are making $15 cocktails for a clientele that generally appreciates nuance in flavor and aren't ordering vodka tonics or light beer.

GuyCaballero: "vodka soda" is code for "get me drunk fast, here's my money." Every bartender knows it, loves making them because they're easy, and knows you'll be back soon.

While it's perfectly reasonable to hate the people they talk about in this article, they're a rare breed. Most barkeeps love a fast order and a good tip. Just keep it rolling and there's no problem.

These guys ain't even close to working in that kind of bar. I've been to the kind of bar these guys work at- you pay though the nose, and you order off the menu, or ask for a serious drink, not a vodka strawberry friz. And what you get is goddamn wonderful.

Gyrfalcon: "How to drive away your high-end clientele in only one night."

I mean, really. You might attract the hipster/preppy chic crowd, but you're going to lose all the lawyers and brokers and middle-management who just want their vodak and sodas and basic gin-and-tonics; and once your "artisanal gin" is no longer ironically trendy enough, the hipsters will find someplace else and the guys wi ...


To me, it is more a matter of the attitude than the reality. If I walk into ANY bar, order something, and the barkeep shrugs noncommitally and says "Sorry, buddy - we don't stock that." I'll just order something else, and not give it another thought. If, on the other hand, he acts like I just wandered into Buckingham Palace and took a crap on one of the Queen's prize oriental rugs, I'll be ordering my drink elsewhere that evening.
 
2013-03-14 08:10:36 AM  

GoSurfing: I will make it my life mission to travel to these establishments and request a Miller High Life, my favorite beverage. Come at me bro.

/Miller Low Life. Because I am one.


You might get one without protest. The hip hipsters have been abandoning PBR for highlife as of late.
 
2013-03-14 08:13:37 AM  

Shadow Blasko: [questionablecontent.net image 600x1418]

/Basically anyone could post about 500 of QC's 2400 comics in this thread..


Completely unaware of this strip.  Thanks for the heads-up.
 
2013-03-14 08:15:34 AM  
Bartenders like this should be given a high 5. In the face. With a tire iron. Twice.
 
2013-03-14 08:18:40 AM  
cptjeff:

Boy do I have a place for you. If you're ever in DC...

Built around one guy's ridiculous collection of scotch- one of the largest selections in the world, apparently.


Thanks!  Booking unnecessary trip back to DC immediately.
 
2013-03-14 08:27:13 AM  
Step one: Order shot of everclear. (Bacardi 151 will do if everclear is bannned in your area)

Step two: obtain lighter from nearest smoker.

Step Three: hold shot in mouth.

Step four: Light lighter and hold in front of mouth.

Step Five: Spray that shiat as hard as you can out of your mouth to atomize it. It hits the lighter, bursts into flame, and lands all over asshole bartender.

Step Six: Get the fark out before the cops show up, proving once and for all that you are top asshole, not some bartender.
 
2013-03-14 08:28:40 AM  
Ordering things in NYC can be tricky.

img2.timeinc.net
 
2013-03-14 08:28:42 AM  


"We were told that there's only one vodka and it is very low-grade," she recalls. The bartender's attitude was, " 'We are only offering you the s--ttiest vodka because, if you drink it, you are an [idiot].' It was super annoying.


Should have just done what every other bar does: fill up those "top shelf" vodkas with Popov and charge 5x as much because nobody will tell the difference.
 
2013-03-14 08:31:30 AM  

Silly_Sot: First, unless you have at very least a Bachelors degree awarded from a regionally-accredited 4-year college or university SPECIFICALLY in the field of making mixed drinks, you are NOT a "mixologist". You are a bartender. If you insist upon being called a "mixologist" without such a qualification, you are a snotty twat of a bartender who desperately needs attitude readjustment via judicious application of a tire iron.

Second, these silly little "artisan" cocktails are merely the sauce splotch and spoon smear of bartending. Maybe they might have been groundbreaking and impressive at one time. Now they are merely just another fad sought after by the stupidly pretentious.

I drank bourbon, neat, before they existed. I will be drinking bourbon, neat, long after they only appear on retro-nostalgia Food Network specials.


Mixologist

I didn't see it posted.
 
2013-03-14 08:31:43 AM  
They want to be called "mixologists" but demonstrate the most unprofessional behavior.
 
2013-03-14 08:35:02 AM  

eViLpOpTaRt: Having worked as a mixologist, I have these observations:

6.  I'm impressed when someone orders a Sazerac or a French 75 or a Ramos Gin Fizz.


It has been YEARS since I've been in a bar where the bartender could/would make me a Ramos Gin Fizz...
 
2013-03-14 08:36:58 AM  
"I'd like a cheeseburger with a side of fries, no onions."

"No onions?  Are you totally trying to destroy the full potential of this fine Angus beef?  I mean the cheese is bad enough, but we do have a pernicious Stilton we can top it with.  And as far as fries, you already have sufficient starch in the bun, naturally you probably  want ketchup with those, too?"

"Blow a dog."  *door slams*

Sounds  bit silly when you take the booze as sophistication touchstone malarkey out of the equation, non?
 
2013-03-14 08:39:28 AM  
Old school H31N0US in his local Hoboken bar on a lazy summer saturday afternoon:

Jamesons rocks and a Miller Lite on the side. Keep them replenished until the the TV shows the grounds crew doing the YMCA, then call my dealer, because it's gonna be a long night.

New school H31N0US:

Club soda and a grilled chicken salad please, I have stuff to do around the house and I wanna take my kid to the park.

fark these bartenders and the people who tip them.
 
2013-03-14 08:46:36 AM  
cptjeff:Seriously folks, they have the cheaper sling whatever crappy drinks you want places in NYC too- these are the equivalent of fine dining. You order something nice, not tasteless shiat to get hammered. If that's not your scene, fine. But going into a craft cocktail bar and ordering a vodka tonic is like going into Chez Paul in Jorts and trying to order pop tarts. Don't.

I don't get why this is so hard to understand.  The gourmet concept travels across all manner of food and drink.  The entire gourmet industry has basically set itself up on one-upping the next guy.  Any restaurant or bar has the right to deny you service, and you have the right to refuse to be a patron of any establishment you dislike.  It's that simple.  Granted, it sounds like the douchey bartender could at least be a little more considerate in explaining the concept of a "gourmet" bar to their confused patrons.
 
2013-03-14 08:51:35 AM  
alienated:Not all vodka lacks flavour. I brought a bottle from Poland to a fark party that has a single stalk of bison grass. It is... unique. Some folks like it, some did not.

It's called  Żubrówka and it's really nice mixed with pressed apple juice. The only vodka in my house.
 
2013-03-14 08:54:57 AM  
Everybody knows that only true New Yorkers eat a slice of cheese pizza pie folded. Anything else reveals you to be a philistine phoney.

/stop liking what I don't like.
//sushi should also be eaten in a specific manner.
///only missionary sex is acceptable.
////worship my authentic style.
 
2013-03-14 09:02:42 AM  
What I hate more is when I order a martini or gibson and then have to send it back because the incompetent bartender put Vodka in it, instead of Gin.

If I wanted vodka I would have specified vodka, if I say "Martini" or "Gibson" the default is gin.

Also, not knowing how to make an Old Fashioned is another sign of your incompetence.

/Unless the bar specializes in Mojitos, you're being an asshole to order one, other people want to drink too, quit monopolizing the bartender's time.
 
2013-03-14 09:05:25 AM  

Soupysales: OFFENDING DRINK: The Long Island iced tea is "pure gluttony," says Ward. Ordering one "is admitting that you want as much booze as possible, without a conception of what it is."

APPROVED DRINK: "If you want to get bombed right away, order a zombie," he says. "It's boozier than a Long Island iced tea and really delicious."

I don't get why one is acceptable and the other isn't. If this guy actually exists, I hope his urethra gets infested with spiders.


This. This douchebag looks down on you for getting a drink with a load of alcohol in it, and then suggests a drink with *more* alchohol?? Plus, done correctly, Long Islands are farking yummy. (Better than birds and snow coffee too!). Now done by a crappy mixer, Long Islands taste like a bull's testicle sweat.

Look, if I care about the subtle nuance between dry, extra dry, slightly dry, and off-dry obscure brand gin, then fine, you can make me a designer drink in a Fendi glass whilst we tug on each other's penises (but in an ironic way). But if I want rum, ammaretto, lemon peel, cream, cherry juice, and a banana served to me in an aquarium, what the fark do you care as long as I pay you?

My favorite drinks (in no particular order)
Long Island
White Russian
Coke with Morgan's spiced rum (not bacardi, thank you)
Buttery Nipple
chilled Barenjager Honey Liquer  (if you have not tried this, and like honey, pick this up.)

CSB:
Having dinner one night at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse at the bar and saw they had a bottle of Louis XIII Remy Martin cognac. They sell it for about $100-something a shot. I asked the bartender if I got a shot of that, would he mix it into some Coke for me. He just looks at me deadpan for a bit and says "I would slap the absolute shiat out of you if you tried to do that"
 
2013-03-14 09:05:55 AM  

cptjeff: AverageAmericanGuy: cptjeff: AverageAmericanGuy: If a bar won't serve me my whisky on the rocks, I take my business elsewhere.

I doubt I'd last a minute in one of these hipster joints.

These places absolutely would serve you whiskey on the rocks. Generally, they have a selection of very nice whiskeys.

Hmm. Sounds like my kind of place, then.

*strokes handlebar moustache*

Boy do I have a place for you. If you're ever in DC...


I believe I have found my nirvana.
 
2013-03-14 09:10:06 AM  

TheMega: spaten: Klippoklondike: That's why i like dive bars.  Nobody gives a fark what you drink.  And free pool.

Where are these free pool places you speak of?

Would enjoy that, too! If they actually had pool tables LOL

I just order a triple Beam or Crown and top it off with Coke (usually room for about half a shot of Coke or so, sometimes less depending on how good the bartender is.. lol) and I'm happy.

/Usually the only places around this area that have "free pool" nights only have one or two pool tables... so it's like saying 'free food' and tossing 4 or 5 day-old bologna sandwiches on the damned floor.  Seriously, who the hell would want to put their name up on the board and wait around an hour or more to save a whopping 75 cents to $1.50 (depending on the bar) for a game of pool? MOST people would drink at least good 4-5 (or MORE) beers while waiting, so you would not save a cent.


Yea we are avid pool players and the only places that have free pool have 1-2 tables that are horribly un-level. Worse though is that I usually feel like the other clientele at this 'bar' will murder me.

If we are really feeling cheap me and the hubby will wait until some half drunk dude demands we play him for money. We don't really like to play drunk people for money so instead we just say 'lower pays' or 'loser buys drinks'. Most wonderful nights...
 
2013-03-14 09:12:54 AM  
People need to understand that when you go to a place like this, you're going for the whole experience.

I think it's well worth $16-18 to go to one of these trendy cocktail bars, order something I like, get dressed down by the vest-wearing bearded hipster farkbag behind the bar for it, agree to the fancy drink he recommends instead, and then throw the whole drink right in his asshole face on my way out the door.
 
2013-03-14 09:14:59 AM  
First World problem thread?

Just go some place else
 
2013-03-14 09:17:08 AM  
Seriously, there's a reason why steakhouses have salads on the menu, and every restaurant has chicken fingers on a children's menu: paying customers who are into what you provide often bring people who aren't along with them, and you'd be stupid to drive the whole party away by not making reasonable accommodations for the difficult ones.

If you have the ingredients for something and it's not overly labor-intensive, shut up and make it.  You'll be tipped well for it, and they'll come back.
 
2013-03-14 09:33:47 AM  

devlin carnate: I love stories where every single person in the article deserves repeated punches to the groin:

* the "craft" proprietor taking pride in showing up his customers;
* the milquetoast customers afraid to return the insult;
* the hipsters supporting these places, because they're hipsters;
* and the dead father because he won't feel it.

Barkeep, a fresh round of cockpunches for the house, and two for yourself!


I love this comment. I want to buy you a drink.
 
2013-03-14 09:39:42 AM  
This part annoys me:

Her father, who has since died, had the naiveté to order an amaretto sour. The server promptly informed them that they didn't have any amaretto because the mixologist didn't deign to work with the almond liqueur.
"My father felt hurt, but he tried again," remembers Deming, an author who is now working on a family memoir about kidney donation.
Her dad then asked for a mojito, a request that was met with further unkindness.
"The look of naked contempt on the waiter's face was unbelievable," she recalls. "He said, 'We don't make those this time of year.' I don't even remember what my father wound up ordering, I was so angry."


This isn't a 'mixologist' problem this is a 'we don't have the ingredients to make the drink that you have ordered' problem coupled with bad service. If I order eggs benedict in a roadside diner my feelings aren't hurt if they don't have any asparagus. I might be upset if the waiter/ress responds with 'Ohhh look at the fancy pants here ordering eggs benedict what's next? Do you want some champagne (pronounced sham pag in) with some orange juice in it, and maybe a side of grey pupon?'

/no actually that would be hilarious
 
2013-03-14 09:44:09 AM  
This is super simple, if you don't want a fancy, well crafted drink, don't go to a mixology bar. I've been to most of the places mentioned in the article and thought they had some delicious drinks. The bartender at Death + Co was very helpful in helping my friend who, unlike me, is not a raging alcoholic, order a drink that he enjoyed (and even remembered us like 3wks later when we came back).

I don't go to this sort of bar all the time (I usually just drink scotch so I don't require any specialist bartender). I go there when I want a finely crafted drink. I'd liken going to one of these bars and ordering a rum and coke or vodka tonic and going to a gourmet restaurant and saying "yeah, I just want the chicken fingers and fries". It's fine if you want chicken fingers, just don't expect a real chef to want to prepare them for your.
 
2013-03-14 09:49:51 AM  

jtown: "In the end, we drank chilled gin, which we didn't want," she continues. "I was insulted."

Why???  Why the fark would you buy anything from someone who just insulted you?  You're in farking New farking York farking City for farking fark's sake!  There are other bars!  Go to another bar where they don't treat you like shiat.


^^^^^
THIS. A thousand times over!
 
2013-03-14 09:54:52 AM  
Want anything frozen or sugary, and they'll refuse to make it, saying they don't want to "mask the spirit's taste."

Read as: "I don't want to have to wash the blender."
 
2013-03-14 09:56:03 AM  
I live in NYC and absolutely HATE this! I was out with a party of about 10 people once. We made reservations at a swanky, 20s themed bar. I had the audacity to order a vodka cranberry and our rude waiter informed me that they do not carry nor serve cranberry juice. So my party, thoroughly insulted by this arsehole's condescension, stood up and walked right out the door. We went across the street and found a place more than happy to make several hundred dollars on our drink orders.
 
2013-03-14 09:57:59 AM  

DarkSoulNoHope: Egoy3k: SnarfVader: Is the Vodka worth it, or should I just see if I can find the empty bottle?

You are paying a premium for the bottle. The vodka isn't terrible or anything but it's not worth the price without the cool bottle that comes with it.

You can blame Dan Ackroyd for that in making a cool bottle filled with average Vodka.


Huh, a quick Google, and, presto, I learned something.  Had no idea he was involved.

Still won't be running out to buy it, though...
 
2013-03-14 10:05:57 AM  

untaken_name: I really don't care if the chef likes the food better a different way.


Then why would you show up at his job and ask him to make you food?

Egoy3k: This isn't a 'mixologist' problem this is a 'we don't have the ingredients to make the drink that you have ordered' problem coupled with bad service.


No, it's a customer who doesn't know when Mojitos are traditionally served problem. They don't have the ingredients on purpose.
 
2013-03-14 10:08:14 AM  
splitsider.com

How am I the first??
 
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