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(Yahoo)   Ancient Egyptian text reveals that before Jesus Christ became an omnipotent omniscient immortal, he was a shape shifter. Apparently some people have a problem with this   (news.yahoo.com) divider line 30
    More: Strange, Egyptian Christian, jesus, Coptic, Pilates, copy pasting, last supper, Maundy Thursday, St. Michael  
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13452 clicks; posted to Main » on 13 Mar 2013 at 11:50 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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Archived thread
2013-03-13 11:52:03 AM
8 votes:
possibility one: Jesus was a trickster god, or maybe a trickster god created christianity as a joke that later got outta hand.

possibility two: 'Jesus' was the user name on the account.  the disciples created 'Jesus' as a persona.  they made up a costume, perfected the stage act and then swapped identities around whenever they went into a big town.  But things get too big too fast, and Judas and Peter figure they gotta find a way to calm that shiat down before they ALL end up getting stoned in the town square.  so they get the dumbest, most trusting guy in the pile to assume the persona of Jesus telling him that hey, it's cool...one more big score and they'll all blow town.  the fix is in, they'll get him out of it before he goes down for good.  He just has to play the role and Pilate will rough him up, let him go.   things are going great until the crowd goes nuts.  Pilate took the bribe but to keep the crowd from going all stabby he's got no choice - he HAS to sell 'Jesus' down the river.  So this guy ends up playing the role of his life: the whole deal....whipping, crucifixion, torture...the whole bit.  Judas and Peter are appalled, this wasn't part of the plan but they're in too deep.  they hang around for a bit, not knowing what to do next.  after 'Jesus' is dead, they figure they'd better go get the body because with all this attention someone might go dig up 'Jesus' and see if descriptions match.  if someone figures out 'Jesus' is just an actor playing a role, they'll ALL go down in flames.  they get Mary and the girls to make up a crazy story about angels, haul the body out of town in the dead of night, and bury it in an unmarked grave out in the desert.  then they spend the next 50 years playing up the cult from behind the scenes, Peter lets it go to his head and Judas gets a serious case of the guilts and either hangs himself or the other disciples off him and make it look like a suicide.
2013-03-13 12:03:32 PM
5 votes:
Dies and comes back: Check
Doesn't always look the same: Check
Preaches love and tolerance: Check
Losses his shiat when people are assholes: Check
Always hanging out with companions: Check
Little Blue Box: ????
2013-03-13 11:56:26 AM
5 votes:
Dread Pirate Jesus.
2013-03-13 12:03:29 PM
4 votes:
www.empireonline.com
         "Peace be with you."
2013-03-13 12:26:17 PM
3 votes:
Not only a shape shifter, but also a time traveler.

img41.imageshack.us
2013-03-13 12:10:19 PM
3 votes:

spentmiles: "Pilate and his wife both have visions that night that show an eagle (representing Jesus) being killed."

I knew Jesus was a'merican!  fark yeah!


The shape-shifter part actually answers another long-standing riddle...namely, how a blue-eyed, flaxen haired, square-jawed, red blooded American white man was able to blend in with a bunch of dirty Arabian looking people. He just shape-shifted to look like one of them so he could go undercover.
2013-03-13 12:01:59 PM
3 votes:
"Pilate, then, looked at Jesus and, behold, he became incorporeal: He did not see him for a long time ..." the text read.

Expanded Universe Jesus has way cooler powers than canon Jesus.
2013-03-13 11:59:59 AM
3 votes:
The discovery of the text doesn't mean these events happened, but rather that some people living at the time appear to have believed in them, saidRoelof van den Broek, of Utrecht University in the Netherlands, who published the translation in the book "Pseudo-Cyril of Jerusalem on the Life and the"(Brill, 2013).

Well, no...of course not. You're not going to just automatically believe a bunch of wildly implausible ancient text is TRUE. That would be crazy...

i76.photobucket.com
2013-03-13 11:28:27 AM
3 votes:
The discovery of the text doesn't mean these events happened, but rather that some people living at the time appear to have believed in them, said Roelof van den Broek, of Utrecht University in the Netherlands

So, kind of like the other texts out there?
2013-03-13 12:56:40 PM
2 votes:

Weaver95: well think about it.  every group has someone in it who's kind of a loveable idiot.  loyal, just smart enough to help with the con they're running and easy going enough not to get greedy.  My read is that Peter and Judas were the big brains of the operation.  everyone else was a mix of hangers on or actively in on the scam and not inherently loyal to the outfit.  i'll bet they scattered to the winds after they pulled that body out of the crypt.  when things started taking on a life of its own, Peter gets a couple of hard nosed realists among the remaining disciples together and cleans house.  He gets organized and figures he can ride this thing till the day he dies.  But Judas and a few of the others had time to think it through.  they're feeling guilty about how it all turned out and they wanna go legit.  But they're in too deep - they know too much.  Peter and his buddies know they need to keep a handle on the story.  Judas going all soft and blabby would destroy their religion before it gets off the ground.  So they show up all 'mexican standoff' spaghetti western style and Judas ends up dangling from the end of a rope.  that keeps the others in line when they hear about it, and Peter spreads some cash around to keep everyone in line.


Seriously, it's a Guy Ritchie movie.

Peter:  Roight.  Judas, quit yer bawlin'.  Oi'm tellin' ya, we can ride this out, keep it going.  We'll be fine, Oi say, just so long as you can keep yer bloody head in the game.  Otherwoise Oi'm gonna stick this sword up yer arse and fark ye blind with it.

Judas:  That sword?

Peter:  Yes, this sword.  Do you see any other farkin' swords lying about?

Judas:  Just that sword, what says 'Replica' on the side, and this sword, what says 'Deus Vult'.

(Peter drops the replica sword and gives Judas a jump kick to the head)
2013-03-13 12:53:41 PM
2 votes:

Dion Fortune: Siddhis.

Jesus most certainly would have attained them.  E.g.::

1. PARKAYA PRAVESH - entering one's soul in the body of some other person.

2. HAADI VIDYA - a person neither feels hungry nor thirsty and he can remain without eating food or drinking water for several days at a stretch. Several Yogis of the Himalayas, remain engrossed in deep Sadhanas for months and years without eating or drinking anything.

 3. KAADI VIDYA - person shall not feel cold even if he sits in the snow laden mountains and shall not feel hot even if he sits in the fire. Thus a Sadhak can perform incessant penance without being affected by change of weather or seasons.

4. MADALASA VIDYA - a person becomes capable of increasing or decreasing the size of his body according to his wish.  Through this siddhi one may enter into stone or change the density in one's body, enabling one to pass through solid matter. Mahima Siddhi - The ability to increase the size of one's body, ultimately enveloping the universe.

5. VAYU GAMAN SIDDHI Through this Siddhi a person can become capable of flying in the skies and traveling from one place to another in just a few seconds. The Jain scriptures speak of Jain ascetics who could fly from place to place in a few seconds.

6. KANAKDHARA SIDDHI One can acquire immense and unlimited wealth through this Siddhi. It's said that once Shankaracharya saw a very poor and destitute woman and with the help of the Kanakdhara Yantra he showered gold in her house.

7. PRAKYA SADHANA Through this Sadhana a yogi can direct his disciple to take birth from the womb of a woman, who is childless or cannot bear children. Several Yogis have thus blessed infertile women with children. Swami Vishuddhanand had accomplished this Sadhana and had used it to bring happiness into the lives of several women. But today only two or three persons are accomplished in this Sadhana.

8. SURYA VIGYAN - one substance can be transformed into another through the medium of sun rays. Swami Vishudhanan ...


10. CHUTNEY BURRITO - The ability to feel fulfilled between the hours of 7 and 11.
2013-03-13 12:26:20 PM
2 votes:
I'm all for fun, but all this blasphemy is really unnecessary. What if you are wrong? You are willing to risk your salvation for a few chuckles? If this doesn't make you rethink your "humor" maybe heaven isn't for you anyway:

"I am the Lord your God, creator of heaven and earth. The wicked who take my name in vain shall wander in darkness for an eternity" Leviticus:69

 And this:
"The ways of the wicked attract the vanity of men. Do not as they do, but as they do not do" Leviticus: 69-A
2013-03-13 12:15:49 PM
2 votes:
FTA: "Then the Jews said to Judas: How shall we arrest him [Jesus], for he does not have a single shape but his appearance changes. Sometimes he is ruddy, sometimes he is white, sometimes he is red, sometimes he is wheat coloured, sometimes he is pallid like ascetics, sometimes he is a youth, sometimes an old man ..."

Could he go plaid?

plaidurday.com
2013-03-13 12:05:54 PM
2 votes:
"Pilate and his wife both have visions that night that show an eagle (representing Jesus) being killed."

I knew Jesus was a'merican!  fark yeah!
2013-03-13 11:51:00 AM
2 votes:
images1.wikia.nocookie.net
2013-03-13 11:44:30 AM
2 votes:

CapeFearCadaver: The discovery of the text doesn't mean these events happened, but rather that some people living at the time appear to have believed in them, said Roelof van den Broek, of Utrecht University in the Netherlands

So, kind of like the other texts out there?


No, of course not. Thosetexts are absolutely true and the Word of God.
2013-03-14 12:06:42 AM
1 votes:

Great Porn Dragon: /oddly enough, there are not really any true trickster deities in Mesopotamian mythos...


Because they had jews to blame for everything instead?
2013-03-13 02:29:39 PM
1 votes:

KarmicDisaster: I'm not really sure what He was wearing by the Tomb, it says that his burial cloths were still in the tomb and burial customs being what they were He had nothing on under them.  Maybe He stole some robes off a clothes line. And a bandana.


Bandana hammock.
2013-03-13 02:05:49 PM
1 votes:

KarmicDisaster: There are several mentions in the King James Bible where Jesus was not recognized even by his closest associates.


1) Mary Magdalene comes to the tomb and thinks that he is the gardener.

Did he have a bandana on?
2) When the disciples are out fishing, they don't recognize Jesus.
Did he have a bandana on?
3) Two disciples meet Him on the road to Emmaus, travel with Him and talk with Him, and do not recognize Him until they eat dinner with Him.
Did he have a bandana on?

Plus, sometimes we all look the same with a bandana on.
2013-03-13 12:52:35 PM
1 votes:
kid_icarus: ...bunchof dirty Arabian looking people.


Must you?
2013-03-13 12:47:44 PM
1 votes:

Master Sphincter: You are willing to risk your salvation for a few chuckles?


Well, yes, actually. I'm only using the free will Eve scored for me thanks to that "apple" deal back in the day.

/the serpent never lied.
2013-03-13 12:45:20 PM
1 votes:

Master Sphincter: And this:
"The ways of the wicked attract the vanity of men. Do not as they do, but as they do not do" Leviticus: 69-A


Don't Do What Donny Don't Does

angryrunner.files.wordpress.com
2013-03-13 12:31:13 PM
1 votes:
And his dinosaur was really a shape shifting donkey.
2013-03-13 12:23:43 PM
1 votes:
Jesus had the ability to change shape

You mean like Mitt?

bennaon.files.wordpress.com
2013-03-13 12:15:58 PM
1 votes:

Weaver95: possibility one: Jesus was a trickster god, or maybe a trickster god created christianity as a joke that later got outta hand.

possibility two: 'Jesus' was the user name on the account.  the disciples created 'Jesus' as a persona.  they made up a costume, perfected the stage act and then swapped identities around whenever they went into a big town.  But things get too big too fast, and Judas and Peter figure they gotta find a way to calm that shiat down before they ALL end up getting stoned in the town square.  so they get the dumbest, most trusting guy in the pile to assume the persona of Jesus telling him that hey, it's cool...one more big score and they'll all blow town.  the fix is in, they'll get him out of it before he goes down for good.  He just has to play the role and Pilate will rough him up, let him go.   things are going great until the crowd goes nuts.  Pilate took the bribe but to keep the crowd from going all stabby he's got no choice - he HAS to sell 'Jesus' down the river.  So this guy ends up playing the role of his life: the whole deal....whipping, crucifixion, torture...the whole bit.  Judas and Peter are appalled, this wasn't part of the plan but they're in too deep.  they hang around for a bit, not knowing what to do next.  after 'Jesus' is dead, they figure they'd better go get the body because with all this attention someone might go dig up 'Jesus' and see if descriptions match.  if someone figures out 'Jesus' is just an actor playing a role, they'll ALL go down in flames.  they get Mary and the girls to make up a crazy story about angels, haul the body out of town in the dead of night, and bury it in an unmarked grave out in the desert.  then they spend the next 50 years playing up the cult from behind the scenes, Peter lets it go to his head and Judas gets a serious case of the guilts and either hangs himself or the other disciples off him and make it look like a suicide.


possibility three: jesus was a mexican ninjan. "now joo see me, now joo don't"
2013-03-13 12:08:08 PM
1 votes:
FTFA:  A newly deciphered Egyptian text, dating back almost 1,200 years...

The Gospels in the New Testament were written closer to 1,900, to 2,000 years ago - still within the lifetimes of some of the people mentioned in them. This manuscript would have been written around 700-900 AD, long after the events took place and centuries after the deaths anybody who was around then and could dispute its veracity.

in short, fanfic until proven otherwise.
2013-03-13 12:02:14 PM
1 votes:
That's impossible. There were no cell phones back then.
2013-03-13 12:00:07 PM
1 votes:
The author should have changed the character names and made it a lot sexier and sold hundreds of thousands of copies to lonely, horny housewives wishing for the pleasures of a shapeshifting lover.
2013-03-13 11:57:31 AM
1 votes:
Ancient egypt ended several hundred years BC

So this is very much newsworthy.
2013-03-13 11:50:18 AM
1 votes:
I can't wait until Mel Gibson makes a movie about it.
 
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