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(Guardian)   Will Tebow be requested to walk the catwalk? Can Larry find a stall to his liking? Will Mel go full Henry VIII? It's your first day of Papal Conclave: Searching for Johnny (Paul) number 3   (guardian.co.uk) divider line 63
    More: Interesting, papal conclave  
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1030 clicks; posted to Main » on 12 Mar 2013 at 8:25 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-03-12 08:25:58 AM  
I hope they pick an African.
 
2013-03-12 08:30:14 AM  
If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey I'm still free
Pick a pope for me
 
2013-03-12 08:32:06 AM  
I don't care who they pick just as long as he is great photoshop material.
 
2013-03-12 08:40:14 AM  
I hope they pick someone truly forward thinking and modern.  Like a Pope who might consider granting the right of birth control to his followers.  But then again, churches exist for the purpose of recruiting more followers.  More followers means more money.  More money means they can build a bigger church, open a school, and perhaps buy some land for a retreat center.  Which will attract more followers, which will require a bigger church.  And all of those followers will have children who will also become followers because we're going to tell them from birth that they will suffer in the endless cycling fires of hell, doomed to repeat the same actions again and again, as hell's population grows and grows for all of eternity.  At which point, we'll need a bigger hell, perhaps with an Olympic sized lake of fire with aerobics and screaming classes for seniors who rejected the faith late in life.  And the bigger the hell, with the slipperiest possible slope down to its depths, the easier it'll be to convince people they need to stick with the church.  And we can scare more people into the faith if we can keep convincing more people to jump aboard our ship.  So actually, a Pope who would grant birth control would be hell bent on undermining, perhaps destroying, the church.  Evil!
 
2013-03-12 08:47:53 AM  
Why don't they just sit back and let god choose?
 
2013-03-12 08:48:41 AM  
Cardinal _____________Do you like movies about gladiators?
 
2013-03-12 08:51:03 AM  
I bet they pick a catholic.
 
2013-03-12 08:51:14 AM  
My brothers, one a priest and the other an author of two books about the new English translation of the Mass, were having discussions about this at a family get-together over the weekend. The priest was saying that with the new pope and the old pope sharing space, it could have sitcom-like elements, and he could picture the two popes having breakfast together:
Benedict: So what are you going to do about that thing with the thing?
New pope: Well I'm thinking I'll do this thing.
Benedict [with a look of disapproval]: Hmm. OK...

/I threw in the Sorkin-esque dialogue
//I proposed it be one of those "bumbling old relative" type sitcoms, named Uncle Benny
 
2013-03-12 08:51:51 AM  
Whoever has the cutest daughter:

thefiveeight.com
 
2013-03-12 09:01:52 AM  
Okay, let's get this thread started! got mah checklist:

1. Picture of Father Jack / Father Dougal / Bishop Brennan
2. All priests are paedos, hate teh gheys etc.
3. Spentmiles casting his rod
4. Every 40th post is "dona a es requiem *BONK*"
5. Cardinals baseball team riff
6. I hope the next pope is black / irish / chinese / equestrine / Jeremy Irons
7. And it's black smoke from the chimney! Who let Tommy Chong in the conclave?
8. Someone guesses the number of snipe spots overlooking the balcony in St. Peter's Square
9. Name & roman numeral madlibs

Any suggestions?
 
2013-03-12 09:06:19 AM  
I hope they pick another nazi
 
2013-03-12 09:06:50 AM  
I'm there right now, bro.

NOW GET DOWN AND GIVE ME 50 HAIL MARYS!
 
2013-03-12 09:10:47 AM  
I've been waiting to hear when the Cardinals were going to test the free agency market. It's about time.
 
2013-03-12 09:13:09 AM  

Tim Tebow: I'm there right now, bro.

NOW GET DOWN AND GIVE ME 50 HAIL MARYS!


Is Tebow even Catholic? I thought he was evangelical of a stripe that usually considers Catholics heretics and the Hail Mary blasphemy.
 
2013-03-12 09:20:25 AM  

Butterfinger: I've been waiting to hear when the Cardinals were going to test the free agency market. It's about time.


That would be choosing a pope by unanimous acclimation, which allows them to pick any male on the planet.

It's never actually happened, but it's covered in the rules.
 
2013-03-12 09:20:46 AM  

RminusQ: Tim Tebow: I'm there right now, bro.

NOW GET DOWN AND GIVE ME 50 HAIL MARYS!

Is Tebow even Catholic? I thought he was evangelical of a stripe that usually considers Catholics heretics and the Hail Mary blasphemy.


I've seen him run the hail mary on a number of occasions.
 
2013-03-12 09:25:42 AM  

sephjnr: Okay, let's get this thread started! got mah checklist:

1. Picture of Father Jack / Father Dougal / Bishop Brennan
2. All priests are paedos, hate teh gheys etc.
3. Spentmiles casting his rod
4. Every 40th post is "dona a es requiem *BONK*"
5. Cardinals baseball team riff
6. I hope the next pope is black / irish / chinese / equestrine / Jeremy Irons
7. And it's black smoke from the chimney! Who let Tommy Chong in the conclave?
8. Someone guesses the number of snipe spots overlooking the balcony in St. Peter's Square
9. Name & roman numeral madlibs

Any suggestions?


They need a Papal Conclave Tapology card.

/Secola by submission in the third
//ARMBAR
 
2013-03-12 09:28:42 AM  

Dwight_Yeast: That would be choosing a pope by unanimous acclimation, which allows them to pick any male on the planet.

It's never actually happened, but it's covered in the rules.


"And the new pope is going to be ..... Bill Upton from Gangplank Arizona"
 
2013-03-12 09:29:03 AM  

RminusQ: Tim Tebow: I'm there right now, bro.

NOW GET DOWN AND GIVE ME 50 HAIL MARYS!

Is Tebow even Catholic? I thought he was evangelical of a stripe that usually considers Catholics heretics and the Hail Mary blasphemy.


No, I'm not Catholic and that just what the Catholic Church needs - a Pope who is not Catholic!
 
2013-03-12 09:30:42 AM  
www.classwarfareexists.com

"No, no, no. That's black smoke, maybe grey. But definitely not white."
 
2013-03-12 09:31:08 AM  
img526.imageshack.us
 
2013-03-12 09:33:06 AM  

RminusQ: Tim Tebow: I'm there right now, bro.

NOW GET DOWN AND GIVE ME 50 HAIL MARYS!

Is Tebow even Catholic? I thought he was evangelical of a stripe that usually considers Catholics heretics and the Hail Mary blasphemy.


The Vatican has already stated they want a conservative with an immense talent for manipulating the media. "Catholic" is not one of the stated requirements for current applicants.
 
2013-03-12 09:34:36 AM  
Anyone know the rules for the drinking game?
 
2013-03-12 09:37:18 AM  
www.ourcafe.org.uk
 
2013-03-12 09:38:21 AM  

AverageAmericanGuy: I hope they pick an African.


farm8.staticflickr.com
Pontiff X
Brother for the Virgin Mother
 
2013-03-12 09:38:58 AM  

digistil: Anyone know the rules for the drinking game?


I came to ask the same thing.

They should televise conclave. Maybe PPV. Some bikini girls walking around with signs noting what round of votes they are on. Yeah.
 
2013-03-12 09:39:24 AM  

digistil: The Vatican has already stated they want a conservative with an immense talent for manipulating the media. "Catholic" is not one of the stated requirements for current applicants.


Karl Rove is a little busy
 
2013-03-12 09:48:32 AM  

jdcgonzalez: digistil: Anyone know the rules for the drinking game?

I came to ask the same thing.

They should televise conclave. Maybe PPV. Some bikini girls

nuns walking around with signs noting what round of votes they are on. Yeah.

kateuptonnun.jpg

Better

/spentmiles for Pope!
 
2013-03-12 09:50:08 AM  

Tim Tebow: RminusQ: Tim Tebow: I'm there right now, bro.

NOW GET DOWN AND GIVE ME 50 HAIL MARYS!

Is Tebow even Catholic? I thought he was evangelical of a stripe that usually considers Catholics heretics and the Hail Mary blasphemy.

No, I'm not Catholic and that just what the Catholic Church needs - a Pope who is not Catholic!


But then bears will stop shiatting in the woods! Anarchy!
 
2013-03-12 10:14:42 AM  
I am hoping for a Pius, Urban, Constantine or an Innocent.  Enough with the Johns and Pauls and John Pauls.
 
2013-03-12 10:19:57 AM  
How about a 'Trevor' ? That'd be interesting.
 
2013-03-12 10:20:42 AM  
If it's the black guy, will he be Pope Rastis I
 
2013-03-12 10:21:36 AM  

dustygrimp: I am hoping for a Pius, Urban, Constantine or an Innocent.  Enough with the Johns and Pauls and John Pauls.


They are ready for a Sixtus VI.

/is VoteFortheWorst.com up and running on this?
 
2013-03-12 10:59:46 AM  
I'll watch the highlights on SportsCenter.
 
2013-03-12 11:14:11 AM  
 
2013-03-12 11:15:34 AM  
Question I don't know the answer to.... do they release the "voting" at all on each 'round', or is it basically just either "No pope" or "pope" (with the whole smoke thing)?    I mean, this doesn't happen that often, so, didn't know if they were maybe trying to "modernize" it or remove a little bit of the "cloak" on the process as well.

/wait, this is the Catholic Church I'm talking about
 
2013-03-12 11:25:11 AM  

dletter: Question I don't know the answer to.... do they release the "voting" at all on each 'round', or is it basically just either "No pope" or "pope" (with the whole smoke thing)?    I mean, this doesn't happen that often, so, didn't know if they were maybe trying to "modernize" it or remove a little bit of the "cloak" on the process as well.

/wait, this is the Catholic Church I'm talking about


No one knows the manner in which the College of Cardinals selects the pope. It is one of the world's best kept secrets and they have no intention of changing their process. Remember, the RCC is just now modernizing few of their more ridiculous 14th century dogmas. There's still be an Inquisition if the Church had more power.
 
2013-03-12 11:39:42 AM  
The pedophiles are entering the concubine now.

what's more phony? Jim Bakker or the Catholic Church?
 
2013-03-12 11:41:12 AM  
cdn.blogs.sheknows.com

It is.... time to vote. Tagle. you're up.
 
2013-03-12 11:56:43 AM  

sephjnr: Okay, let's get this thread started! got mah checklist:

1. Picture of Father Jack / Father Dougal / Bishop Brennan
2. All priests are paedos, hate teh gheys etc.
3. Spentmiles casting his rod
4. Every 40th post is "dona a es requiem *BONK*"
5. Cardinals baseball team riff
6. I hope the next pope is black / irish / chinese / equestrine / Jeremy Irons
7. And it's black smoke from the chimney! Who let Tommy Chong in the conclave?
8. Someone guesses the number of snipe spots overlooking the balcony in St. Peter's Square
9. Name & roman numeral madlibs

Any suggestions?


10. NEVERMIND THAT SHIAT, HERE COMES MONGO (paging hundreddollarman)
 
2013-03-12 12:21:45 PM  
I just want to know this:

If the cardinals all pray and meditate on who is to be the next pope...why do they need to vote?  Why doesn't everybody come up with the same answer?
 
2013-03-12 12:33:57 PM  
The oath:
Promise not to tell anyone? It will be our little secret. You can't tell anyone what we did ever, ever, ever
 
2013-03-12 12:35:39 PM  

JackieRabbit: No one knows the manner in which the College of Cardinals selects the pope. It is one of the world's best kept secrets and they have no intention of changing their process.


The CBC radio just told me it's a processional secret ballot, and gave the text on the ballots, so yeah, totally a "best kept secret".

/not Catholic
 
2013-03-12 12:37:30 PM  
i4.ytimg.com


"Extra omnes! Extra omnes!"
 
2013-03-12 12:40:38 PM  

JackieRabbit: dletter: Question I don't know the answer to.... do they release the "voting" at all on each 'round', or is it basically just either "No pope" or "pope" (with the whole smoke thing)?    I mean, this doesn't happen that often, so, didn't know if they were maybe trying to "modernize" it or remove a little bit of the "cloak" on the process as well.

/wait, this is the Catholic Church I'm talking about

No one knows the manner in which the College of Cardinals selects the pope. It is one of the world's best kept secrets and they have no intention of changing their process. Remember, the RCC is just now modernizing few of their more ridiculous 14th century dogmas. There's still be an Inquisition if the Church had more power.


Well, we don't know how they decide, but we know to a pretty decent degree the process by which they elect a new pope. So to answer dletter's questions, the idea is:

1. Tonight, after they all are sworn in, someone yells "Extra omens!" which is Latin for "LOL GTFO".
2. They take a vote.
3. On all future days, they will take two morning votes and two afternoon votes. After every three days, they hold a day of prayer and best two-out-of-three sack races.

Voting procedure: There are three levels of Cardinal, "Bishop", "Priest", and "Deacon". One of each is randomly selected to count the votes, one of each to read the votes, and one of each to tally the votes.
1. By seniority, they go to a specific place and write down the name of the person they are voting for and fold it up.
2. After all vote, the counters count to make sure there's the right number.
3. The readers each read the name, with the last one saying it aloud. The tallyers make their marks.
4. After the votes are all counted, the tallyers confirm with each other if anyone has a two-thirds majority. No matter how long the voting takes, 2/3 will be needed.
5. If nobody wins, they go to the second vote right away.
6. After two failed votes, they go all Fallout Boy and light it up-up-up on fire! "It" being all the ballots and any notes the cardinals may have been taking. Chemicals are added to paint it black.
7. If someone wins, after he confirms that he will accept, they burn everything but add different chemicals to make it white. Then they all have a big ol' orgy right before they open the gates.

/except for the obvious jokes, everything else there is accurate at least to what the current rules are
 
2013-03-12 12:47:20 PM  

RminusQ:
Voting procedure: There are three levels of Cardinal, "Bishop", "Priest", and "Deacon". One of each is randomly selected to count the votes, one of each to read the votes, and one of each to tally the votes.
1. By seniority, they go to a specific place and write down the name of the person they are voting for and fold it up.
2. After all vote, the counters count to make sure there's the right number.
3. The readers each read the name, with the last one saying it aloud. The tallyers make their marks.
4. After the votes are all counted, the tallyers confirm with each other if anyone has a two-thirds majority. No matter how long the voting takes, 2/3 will be needed.


www.cafwd.org
 
2013-03-12 12:57:47 PM  
Is there white smoke? (from the Guardian UK)
 
2013-03-12 12:58:31 PM  
As others have noted, the process is actually documented (Bruce Schneier actually has a fairly in-depth discussion on the whole Pope Voting Process and how it's actually one of the least "hackable" voting systems on the planet--about the only way to compromise it is to get all three vote-counters to compromise the counting).

Which actually does give me a bit of a sad, because (before I read this) I figured people knew Sweet Fark All about how they voted for a pope, and the amusing mental image of the Conclave playing rousing games of "Duck Duck Pope" did come to mind :D
 
2013-03-12 01:21:07 PM  

RminusQ: /except for the obvious jokes, everything else there is accurate at least to what the current rules are


So, do they have more...um..."sack races" during the orgy?  That bit was serious, right?

(Kidding; thanks for info for us non-Catholics.)

...

Great Porn Dragon: the amusing mental image of the Conclave playing rousing games of "Duck Duck Pope" did come to mind :D


*snicker*
 
2013-03-12 01:33:09 PM  
BREAKING: Cardinals have elected Putney Swope to be the new pope.
 
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