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(Some Guy)   "He despised phonies, his 1969 Volvo (which he also loved) . . . Law and Order (all franchises), cats, and Martha Stewart" This and other gems from the finest obituary a man could ever want   (bradfordokeefe.com) divider line 38
    More: Sappy  
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15379 clicks; posted to Main » on 11 Mar 2013 at 9:41 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Archived thread
2013-03-11 05:43:28 PM  
5 votes:
The best obituary I have ever read.
2013-03-11 09:52:22 PM  
4 votes:
Obituary for Harry StampsHarry Weathersby Stamps, ladies' man, foodie, natty dresser, and accomplished traveler, died on Saturday, March 9, 2013.
Harry was locally sourcing his food years before chefs in California starting using cilantro and arugula (both of which he hated). For his signature bacon and tomato sandwich, he procured 100% all white Bunny Bread from Georgia, Blue Plate mayonnaise from New Orleans, Sauer's black pepper from Virginia, home grown tomatoes from outside Oxford, and Tennessee's Benton bacon from his bacon-of-the-month subscription. As a point of pride, he purported to remember every meal he had eaten in his 80 years of life.
The women in his life were numerous. He particularly fancied smart women. He loved his mom Wilma Hartzog (deceased), who with the help of her sisters and cousins in New Hebron reared Harry after his father Walter's death when Harry was 12. He worshipped his older sister Lynn Stamps Garner (deceased), a character in her own right, and her daughter Lynda Lightsey of Hattiesburg. He married his main squeeze Ann Moore, a home economics teacher, almost 50 years ago, with whom they had two girls Amanda Lewis of Dallas, and Alison of Starkville. He taught them to fish, to select a quality hammer, to love nature, and to just be thankful. He took great pride in stocking their tool boxes. One of his regrets was not seeing his girl, Hillary Clinton, elected President.
He had a life-long love affair with deviled eggs, Lane cakes, boiled peanuts, Vienna [Vi-e-na] sausages on saltines, his homemade canned fig preserves, pork chops, turnip greens, and buttermilk served in martini glasses garnished with cornbread.
He excelled at growing camellias, rebuilding houses after hurricanes, rocking, eradicating mole crickets from his front yard, composting pine needles, living within his means, outsmarting squirrels, never losing a game of competitive sickness, and reading any history book he could get his hands on. He loved to use his oversized "old man" remote control, which thankfully survived Hurricane Katrina, to flip between watching The Barefoot Contessa and anything on The History Channel. He took extreme pride in his two grandchildren Harper Lewis (8) and William Stamps Lewis (6) of Dallas for whom he would crow like a rooster on their phone calls. As a former government and sociology professor for Gulf Coast Community College, Harry was thoroughly interested in politics and religion and enjoyed watching politicians act like preachers and preachers act like politicians. He was fond of saying a phrase he coined "I am not running for political office or trying to get married" when he was "speaking the truth." He also took pride in his service during the Korean conflict, serving the rank of corporal--just like Napolean, as he would say.
Harry took fashion cues from no one. His signature every day look was all his: a plain pocketed T-shirt designed by the fashion house Fruit of the Loom, his black-label elastic waist shorts worn above the navel and sold exclusively at the Sam's on Highway 49, and a pair of old school Wallabees (who can even remember where he got those?) that were always paired with a grass-stained MSU baseball cap.
Harry traveled extensively. He only stayed in the finest quality AAA-rated campgrounds, his favorite being Indian Creek outside Cherokee, North Carolina. He always spent the extra money to upgrade to a creek view for his tent. Many years later he purchased a used pop-up camper for his family to travel in style, which spoiled his daughters for life.
He despised phonies, his 1969 Volvo (which he also loved), know-it-all Yankees, Southerners who used the words "veranda" and "porte cochere" to put on airs, eating grape leaves, Law and Order (all franchises), cats, and Martha Stewart. In reverse order. He particularly hated Day Light Saving Time, which he referred to as The Devil's Time. It is not lost on his family that he died the very day that he would have had to spring his clock forward. This can only be viewed as his final protest.
Because of his irrational fear that his family would throw him a golf-themed funeral despite his hatred for the sport, his family will hold a private, family only service free of any type of "theme." Visitation will be held at Bradford-O'Keefe Funeral Home, 15th Street, Gulfport on Monday, March 11, 2013 from 6-8 p.m.
In lieu of flowers, the family asks that you make a donation to Mississippi Gulf Coast Community College (Jeff Davis Campus) for their library. Harry retired as Dean there and was very proud of his friends and the faculty. He taught thousands and thousands of Mississippians during his life. The family would also like to thank the Gulfport Railroad Center dialysis staff who took great care of him and his caretaker Jameka Stribling.
Finally, the family asks that in honor of Harry that you write your Congressman and ask for the repeal of Day Light Saving Time. Harry wanted everyone to get back on the Lord's Time.
2013-03-12 12:43:57 AM  
2 votes:
Also partial to Nancy Lee Hixon's obituary.
2013-03-11 11:18:12 PM  
2 votes:
planetwill.jt.org
TO HARRY STAMPS!
2013-03-11 10:51:40 PM  
2 votes:
This is what happens when you let a pretentious smartass write his own obit.
As for the other obits linked in the comments.

 

ArcadianRefugee: I dunno....

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/denverpost/obituary.aspx?page=lifes to ry&pid=156944598


Michael "Flathead" Blanchard Obituary
"So many of his childhood friends that weren't killed in Vietnam went on to become criminals, prostitutes and/or Democrats."

majik624: My favorite obit is this one:
http://www.popehat.com/2008/05/09/way-to-go/


Mr. Louis Casimir Jr.
"Many of his childhood friends who weren't killed or maimed in various wars became petty criminals, prostitutes, and/or Republicans."

Ahem.
2013-03-11 10:42:09 PM  
2 votes:
I'm laughing at all the people who can't navigate a goddamn webpage.

Some of you are stupid.
2013-03-11 10:36:48 PM  
2 votes:
Nothing but respect for a man that despises all franchises of Law & Order.

I'll hoist a brew to him tonight!
2013-03-11 10:35:27 PM  
2 votes:
Without even getting into the details, you can infer that this guy was pretty great just because the people around him loved him enough to write it.

Also:

his bacon-of-the-month subscription
2013-03-11 10:11:49 PM  
2 votes:
2013-03-11 09:20:42 PM  
2 votes:
Just goes to show, it's all about the writer...not the subject
2013-03-11 08:52:34 PM  
2 votes:
2013-03-11 06:36:59 PM  
2 votes:

cannotsuggestaname: no obituary shows up for me, in either FF or Chrome. Just a blank page with people talking about the obit.


works fine for me in FF, just have to click "obituary and services"
2013-03-12 01:50:07 AM  
1 votes:

Mugato: Why does everyone hate Martha Stewart so much?


I dunno. Here she is modeling when she was young.

images.celebritypop.com
static6.businessinsider.com
2013-03-12 01:31:54 AM  
1 votes:
Allow me to present another favorite as pointed out by Neil Gaiman, for Colonel Michael Singleton.   Truly, the Telegraph has the best obituaries.

From 1948 to 1973 Singleton was headmaster of The Elms school near Malvern. Believing that boys should be neither cosseted nor cowed, he ran the school to robust, rural routines. Before breakfast every morning, Singleton would march everyone outside for several minutes of physical exercise. "Breathers" was held in all weathers, all seasons.

Long walks, cold dormitories and regular hymn-singing were also an integral part of the education, along with cricket nets and Latin prose.

Despite a brisk code of discipline, Singleton took a laissez-faire approach out of the classroom. Every November 5 the smallest boy in the school was sent down a tunnel to light the very core of the bonfire. None, so far as anyone can recall, was ever lost.
2013-03-12 12:41:26 AM  
1 votes:
I grew up in AZ so I was spoiled. I NEVER had to change my clock.

But when I worked on the phone I had to change my schedule to compensate for the rest of you farkers.

WTF rest of the country? I've moved out of AZ and I must say this shiat is insane. This daylight savings crap never made any sense to me. You do shiat during the optimal time, period right? I was always told this shiat had something to do with farming. Bullshiat. Farmers do what they need to do when it needs to be done, not because Ben flipping Franklin decided life would be better if we fudged with our clocks twice a year.

STOP THIS shiat ALREADY. Please.
2013-03-12 12:27:10 AM  
1 votes:
You know, this just makes me realize that almost all obituaries suck.  Most of them could be like this if people were more honest.
2013-03-12 12:10:48 AM  
1 votes:
fc09.deviantart.net

I despise ponies too.
2013-03-11 11:29:15 PM  
1 votes:
25.media.tumblr.com
2013-03-11 11:13:58 PM  
1 votes:

vicejay: puckrock2000: This is what happens when you let a pretentious smartass write his own obit.

His daughter wrote it.


fabricated outrage knows no bounds (and it's not too concerned about being correct either)
2013-03-11 10:57:07 PM  
1 votes:

i upped my meds-up yours: Aside from the cat hating, which is more about Old Fashioned Southern Manhood than anything else, he sounds like someone I'd have liked to know.


Cat hater? i must've missed that.

1.bp.blogspot.com
2013-03-11 10:56:34 PM  
1 votes:
The best obituary I've seen in my small-town paper lately is for a man whose friends held not a church service or graveside service, but a memorial barbecue. Wish I'd gone.
2013-03-11 10:55:28 PM  
1 votes:

brandent: Obituary for Harry StampsHarry Weathersby Stamps, ladies' man, foodie, natty dresser, and accomplished traveler, died on Saturday, March 9, 2013.
Harry was locally sourcing his food years before chefs in California starting using cilantro and arugula (both of which he hated). For his signature bacon and tomato sandwich, he procured 100% all white Bunny Bread from Georgia, Blue Plate mayonnaise from New Orleans, Sauer's black pepper from Virginia, home grown tomatoes from outside Oxford, and Tennessee's Benton bacon from his bacon-of-the-month subscription. As a point of pride, he purported to remember every meal he had eaten in his 80 years of life.
The women in his life were numerous. He particularly fancied smart women. He loved his mom Wilma Hartzog (deceased), who with the help of her sisters and cousins in New Hebron reared Harry after his father Walter's death when Harry was 12. He worshipped his older sister Lynn Stamps Garner (deceased), a character in her own right, and her daughter Lynda Lightsey of Hattiesburg. He married his main squeeze Ann Moore, a home economics teacher, almost 50 years ago, with whom they had two girls Amanda Lewis of Dallas, and Alison of Starkville. He taught them to fish, to select a quality hammer, to love nature, and to just be thankful. He took great pride in stocking their tool boxes. One of his regrets was not seeing his girl, Hillary Clinton, elected President.
He had a life-long love affair with deviled eggs, Lane cakes, boiled peanuts, Vienna [Vi-e-na] sausages on saltines, his homemade canned fig preserves, pork chops, turnip greens, and buttermilk served in martini glasses garnished with cornbread.
He excelled at growing camellias, rebuilding houses after hurricanes, rocking, eradicating mole crickets from his front yard, composting pine needles, living within his means, outsmarting squirrels, never losing a game of competitive sickness, and reading any history book he could get his hands on. He loved to use his oversize ...


Holy crap, I don't know this guy, but now I'm feeling a bit blue that I never got to meet him.

RIP, good sir.
2013-03-11 10:46:10 PM  
1 votes:

The Southern Dandy: Nothing but respect for a man that despises all franchises of Law & Order.

I'll hoist a brew to him tonight!


Second. Except vodak. Cheers!
2013-03-11 10:30:24 PM  
1 votes:

Mugato: Why does everyone hate Martha Stewart so much?


Because she's an unethical, uppity b*tch who made a career out of turning people into arts and craft snobs?
2013-03-11 10:26:29 PM  
1 votes:
He particularly hated Day Light Saving Time, which he referred to as The Devil's Time. It is not lost on his family that he died the very day that he would have had to spring his clock forward. This can only be viewed as his final protest.

God yes Daylight Savings Time can go to hell. Let me see if I get this correct. You give me an extra hour (OK I admit I love that) in the late part of the year so that you can deny me light later in the day (I hate that) in exchange for more light in the morning (meh). OK that part is a push. I like extra hours.

And then you go and take away my hour (f*ck you) to give me the late day sunlight you took away earlier? Oh well THANK YOU. A**hole.

I hope Ben Franklin burns in hell one day a year. You know what day that would be.
2013-03-11 10:25:43 PM  
1 votes:
Why does everyone hate Martha Stewart so much?
2013-03-11 10:20:27 PM  
1 votes:
2013-03-11 10:14:11 PM  
1 votes:
...stay thirsty, my friends
2013-03-11 10:06:19 PM  
1 votes:
RIP

Condolences to the family.
2013-03-11 10:04:38 PM  
1 votes:
Ok, this part made me lol as well

"Finally, the family asks that in honor of Harry that you write your Congressman and ask for the repeal of Day Light Saving Time. Harry wanted everyone to get back on the Lord's Time."
2013-03-11 09:57:43 PM  
1 votes:

publikenemy: Just goes to show, it's all about the writer...not the subject


Not to take away from the man, but so true.
2013-03-11 09:48:13 PM  
1 votes:
Just added this to my "after I kick the bucket" list...  Hope someone loves me enough to do this...
2013-03-11 09:02:53 PM  
1 votes:
He excelled at growing camellias, rebuilding houses after hurricanes, rocking, eradicating mole crickets from his front yard, composting pine needles, living within his means, outsmarting squirrels, never losing a game of competitive sickness, and reading any history book he could get his hands on.

Sounds like a very interesting person, just crazy enough to make any social event an adventure.
2013-03-11 08:24:14 PM  
1 votes:
Makes me wish I had known the guy.

"He particularly hated Day Light Saving Time, which he referred to as The Devil's Time. It is not lost on his family that he died the very day that he would have had to spring his clock forward. This can only be viewed as his final protest."
Pud
2013-03-11 07:23:02 PM  
1 votes:
He sounds like somebody I would have enjoyed partying with. Oh well, maybe I'll have better luck the next time around.
2013-03-11 07:17:12 PM  
1 votes:

cannotsuggestaname: TheDumbBlonde: cannotsuggestaname: no obituary shows up for me, in either FF or Chrome. Just a blank page with people talking about the obit.

Click the obits tab on the linked page.


It is working now, but before that just reloaded the comments section. FF still doesn't work for me, but Chrome is going fine... maybe something in Noscript/Adblocker is futzing with it.

It's a great obit.


Somebody loved him.
2013-03-11 05:55:12 PM  
1 votes:
He particularly hated Day Light Saving Time, which he referred to as The Devil's Time. It is not lost on his family that he died the very day that he would have had to spring his clock forward. This can only be viewed as his final protest.

Because of his irrational fear that his family would throw him a golf-themed funeral despite his hatred for the sport, his family will hold a private, family only service free of any type of "theme."


Well, they could make it beer themed. I suspect he would have approved.
2013-03-11 05:51:37 PM  
1 votes:
Harry took fashion cues from no one. His signature every day look was all his: a plain pocketed T-shirt designed by the fashion house Fruit of the Loom, his black-label elastic waist shorts worn above the navel and sold exclusively at the Sam's on Highway 49, and a pair of old school Wallabees (who can even remember where he got those?) that were always paired with a grass-stained MSU baseball cap.

Dad?
 
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